Things in GD getting heavy, somebody please tell me a joke, post something funny... Please.

[pinboy3niner]

[LumosMaxima]

1. LOLCat Bible Translation Project

http://lolcatbible.com/index.php?title=Main_Page

[pinboy3niner]

5. ...

Just kidding! The cat bible is hilarious.

[Goalie49009]

29. WOW I got half through Genesis

and about went nutz trying to keepz up wits the tranzlationz ARG lol

[LumosMaxima]

31. Hahaha

One of my favorite parts is John 1:1. Some of Leviticus is a hoot, too.

[NYC_SKP]

2. A tapir walks into a bar...

And the bartender says, "Is that your softball bat or are you just happy to see me?"

[pinboy3niner]

3. ROFL!

I knew I could count on you, SKP.

[TexasTowelie]

4. Okay, I went for the tattooed Miss Kansas competing in the Miss America pageant

If that isn't frivolous...

[pinboy3niner]

6. I LOVE that story

That's the Army troop or vet, right?

[pinboy3niner]

9. Ah, I see she's a member of the Army National Guard

Good for her!

Posted in GD by TexasTowelie:

Miss Kansas shows tattoos at Miss America pageant
http://www.democraticunderground.com/10023659549

[pinboy3niner]

7. Okay, you guys have already done me a lot of good

Just the respite/escape I needed.

I think all the war stuff was just getting to me, and bringing up stuff I just don't want to deal with again right now.

And I'm now in the right state of mind to recommend Jerry the tapir as the official Lounge mascot. Somebody probably ought to start a poll here on that.

[LeftofObama]

13. I'll vote for a tapir pole!

er um er I mean poll.

[pinboy3niner]

15. You have an incoming message

Your stripper pole is being repossessed for nonpayment of rent.

And they added that they've got your lap dance right here. Whatever that means. Do you know?

[LeftofObama]

17. ROFLMAO!

[LiberalEsto]

41. I thought Oscar was the Lounge mascot. nt

[Heddi]

8. Q: how many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

A: Ten-tickles

get it??

[pinboy3niner]

10. I think you may know my young nephew

Who asked me what you call cheese that isn't yours.

NACHO CHEESE!

[Heddi]

11. Here's one that always makes me giggle

what's the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

A pick pocket snatches your watch.

Get it?

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because a peeping tom watches your...____

[pinboy3niner]

12. Now you're getting nasty!

My little nephew never told me that one!

[Heddi]

14. I can't remember where I heard that one from

I worked with this old guy, Ed. Well he wasn't THAT old...57 I think, but he was the oldest person in the department. And every time I'd tell that joke he'd just giggle like a 9 year old school girl

[pinboy3niner]

16. LOL!

Count your blessings!

I started telling a joke to a friend once. It was something I'd heard years before, and it wasn't until I got to the end of it that I realized it was a homophobic joke. I was mortified, but I couldn't get out of it, nor could I explain it to my friend--who was as mortified as I was.

I just wanted to crawl into a hole, I was so ashamed...

[Heddi]

19. Been there. The first time I experienced real Joke Shame

I was maybe 7 or 8 and was telling my god-parents this god awful joke I had heard earlier and it just cracked me up.

And it was a fat joke, and had a mean punchline

both of my god parents were incredibly obese.

As I was reaching the punchline I realized that I was going to say something that would really hurt their feelings, and I choked, didn' tknow what to say, so I made something up that just didn't go and the joke went flat

but I was so embarassed by what I was about to say, and how it would hurt them.

All these years later, I don't remember the joke, I just remember the punchline ended with "you stupid fat slob"....

stupid joke is more like it

[pinboy3niner]

20. Thankyou. At least I know I'm not the only one who was caught in that predicament.

I delivered the punchline, realizing only in that moment what the joke was, and that it was NOT a joke I ever wanted to tell.

[petronius]

26. This subthread (actually, the whole thread) is the best thing on DU this morning

I'll be using "nacho cheese" for certain...

[DFW]

18. Here's one sent to me by a famous unknown person:

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from

the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:



"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball.

I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried

officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance."



"They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of

polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as

they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last

point: *"No Jews please."*



Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:

"Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest

possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of

my best and most prized officers."



"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an

additional Master’s degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship

design."



"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a

graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago , with a BS in

Aeronautical Engineering. His Master’s Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical

and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is

also an astronaut candidate."



"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer

systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting

notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."



"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our

ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of

Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North

Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in

Trauma Surgery at Bethesda ."



Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and

looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be

escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other

women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).



At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap

at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very

handsome, smiling black officers.



Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered,

"There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer.

"Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

[pinboy3niner]

21. Oh, snap!

That is a delicious one!

[DFW]

27. You won't believe who sent it to me

He's a guy you'd never recognize on the street, but who was portrayed in a film by Robin Williams in one of his most famous roles.

Predictably, he's nothing at all like the man in the film, but he is one of the most enjoyable people you could ever want to talk with (obviously, if he sends me stuff like this, which he does on almost a daily basis!).

[Duer 157099]

37. Hmmm... Oliver Sacks?

Or, Patch Adams?

[DFW]

39. His name is Adrian Cronauer

Don't know either of those two.

Does the name Adrian Cronauer ring a bell?

[Duer 157099]

42. Hmmm... no

Hang on, let me go consult IMDB... ahah, Good Morning Vietnam, ok then, cool

Those other two are the people Williams played in Awakenings and Patch Adams.

[DFW]

44. If I remember correctly

Patch Adams was based on a real character. I don't know about Awakenings, and I'm too tired to look it up.

Adrian is a wonderful person, nothing at all like the portrayal in Good Morning Vietnam. I could sit down and talk with him all day and never touch on the same subject twice. He ended up his military career in some obscure part of DoD that follows up on long term MIAs and tries to provide closure for their families, went over to Vietnam and Cambodia a few times in the course of it. He's now retired and lives in Virginia.

When my daughter was in law school about 5 years ago, she brought one of her classmates over here (Germany) during a break because he'd never been to Germany before. He was a privileged kid from some rich NY Republican family. He was working on some project that required him to contact someone in the military about some project or other. As Adrian went to law school at age 50 (not to practice law, but to understand it better), I figured he'd be the best one to ask, so I told the kid I could ring up Adrian Cronauer for him. He thought I was full of shit, and said, sure, sure, why not Eisenhower while I was at it. I went to the phone and called up Adrian, who said he'd be glad to help out if he could, and then I handed the phone to the dumbstruck kid, who just said, "uh, Mr Cronauer?" which I'm sure Adrian has not been addressed as for over thirty years. The awed expression on the kid's face was worth the price of admission, I promise you LOL.

[pinboy3niner]

46. That's who I guessed it was

I met Cronauer at a VN vets reunion in Indiana some years ago.

[DFW]

48. When he was active, he was ALL over the place

I don't know how long you got to spend with him, but if it was any time at all, you know what an interesting character he is. His only dirty secret is that he's a Republican, but the way their party has gone today, I doubt he's about to get actively involved with them, especially in Virginia. Adrian is a thoughtful, considerate guy. I don't think Koochicrazy and his cuckoo's nest of cohorts will be able to attract the likes of Adrian to any of his Taliban rallies.

[malthaussen]

36. Heard that one a while back.

The punch line is totally worth the length of the story.

-- Mal

[DFW]

40. I figured it didn't originate with him, but he's ex-military

Last edited Sat Sep 14, 2013, 04:48 AM - Edit history (1)

so it stands to reason he would have heard it where I hadn't

[In_The_Wind]

22. This is the best I can do on short notice ...

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[zanana1]

23. The past, the present and the future walked into a bar...

It was tense.

[lastlib]

24. Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To prove to th' arm-uh-dilluh that it could be done!

[Dash87]

25. A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a German man find a magic lamp.

One of them rubs the lamp, and a purple genie pops out in a plume of thick dust.

"HELLO!" Boomed the genie's voice to the three gentlemen, "I am master Ali, and I have been imprisoned in that lamp you are holding for over 500 years! Now, it is my imperative to grant my liberator 3 wishes, but seeing as all of you took part in my liberation, I shall grant each of you one, and only one wish! First, you sir!"

The German gentleman was ecstatic but sure of what he wanted. "Mister Ali," he said, "I want to have so much money that I will never have to work again!" So it was done, and gold rained down upon the German in droves.

"Next, you sir," said the genie, pointing at the Frenchman. "Monsieur genie," said the Frenchman, "we are under constant attack, and without a wall to defend our nation, we're defenseless and meek!" And so it was done - the genie waved his hands, and a gigantic, impenetrable wall rose around the borders of France that surely no army could defeat.

"And finally you sir," said the genie to the Englishman, "What do you want more than anything else in the world?"

"That wall-" the Englishman started. "Ah yes!" exclaimed the genie, "I presume you would like one around your country as well?"

"No, the wall around France is just fine," said the Englishman, "now fill it with water."

[zanana1]

33. Typical English hysteria about the French...

AllI want to know is; what did they do to you?

[Wounded Bear]

28. I man walked into a bar....

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Idiot should have ducked.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

30. What should you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

32. Something else to make you laugh: Places where cats shouldn't be

http://2makeyoulaugh.blogspot.com/2013/09/places-where-cats-shouldnt-be-19-pics.html

[hobbit709]

34. Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and says, "You're an engineer you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is welcomed. Soon, the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell; he begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says, "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And, there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What! You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell... send him to me."

"Not a chance! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"

God insists, "Send him back or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[Blue_In_AK]

35. It's toxic in there.

I have to bite my fingers every day to keep from saying something that would get me in trouble.

[truegrit44]

38. One of my all time favorites

A lonely woman puts and ad in the paper for a man.
It states :
Must not be a run around
Must not be a wife beater
Must like to have sex.

Next day guy rings her doorbell, she looks and see's a man with no arms or legs
in a wheel chair.

She says, well I can see you wouldn't be running around much, and I can see you wouldn't be able to beat me up, but how about the sex?

He replies "how do you think I rang the doorbell"

[Heddi]

43. rofl

that's awesome

[steve2470]

47. ha ha ! good one :)) nt

[UTUSN]

45. Well, you always find ME amusig, so there's that. n/t