Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito: Have you ever been to earth?

[KamaAina]

https://medium.com/comedy-corner/fd08c0babb57

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:...

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern....

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

edit: The $#@&%! URL for the picture has an asterisk in it, which DU software ate.

re-edit: TinyURL to the rescue!

re-re-edit: Never mind.

[Wait Wut]

1. !

Edit: I don't know Rolf or what he's doing in my reply.

[NightWatcher]

2. That's what you get for ordering a McBurrito

I get my Mexican food from professional Mexicans.

[KamaAina]

3. Sadly, there are few professional, or even amateur, Mexicans in many parts of the country

and even here in San Jose, where we're in the NPML (National Professional Mexican League), there is nothing anywhere near my office except... a Chipotle.

[nomorenomore08]

6. My one experience with Chipotle honestly wasn't terrible. Just "meh."

Their stuff is rather bland compared to the rich, delicious flavors of real taqueria (or taco truck) burritos.

[KamaAina]

7. And even the Chipotle is out of reasonable walking distance

I am left with McDonald's, Denny's, and the cafeteria at the county building down the street. That's the gourmet option.

[nomorenomore08]

8. Might just be sheer habit, but strangely I do enjoy the food at McD's, even knowing objectively

that it isn't high-quality grub to say the least. Not that I eat it very often - probably been a couple months - but I can't seem to banish it entirely from my life, not that I really want to.

[Callmecrazy]

9. EEEWWWWW!

I thought talking about eating McD's (and liking it) while in the Lounge was a TOS violation.


ALERTING!

[nomorenomore08]

10. How is the food any worse than Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, etc.?

[Callmecrazy]

11. It's not...

They're all terrible things to go out and eat. I mean, you get in the car only to go to these places and eat that S*#t. And then you come back here and ruin everyone's appetite?


EEEEEWWWWW! and then

To each his or her own I guess, but personally... yucky.

[nomorenomore08]

12. I don't eat much fast food anymore. Used to be a couple times a week or so, now maybe once a month.

But yeah, to each their own...

[OriginalGeek]

13. Whoa up there just a minute buddy

Jack in the Box is God-Tier. It shan't be mixing with the likes of BK or McD's.


I'd rather have a super-taco (showing my age - when I was in high school my school bus stop was in front of a JitB and they called them super tacos then. Now they are the same thing but you get 2 smaller ones instead of one big one) from JitB than anything from Chipotle. I agree that Chipotle isn't disgusting, just dull. But a super taco from JitB? Now THAT is an adventure!

[nomorenomore08]

15. I like all of them, honestly. And Carl's Jr. which has better burgers than any of them.

[OriginalGeek]

18. We don't have Carl's

but I think that's what used to be Hardees here...all the ones near me are gone but I loved their hot ham-n-cheese. They all closed before they started getting all those big thick burgers I've seen advertised.

[nomorenomore08]

20. Yeah, same as Hardees. I don't know why the name difference.

BTW on the West Coast we lack White Castle, Whataburger, Five Guys, among others. Hell, the first Sonic within less than 90 minutes of me only opened around 2007 or so.

[Chan790]

16. I've never heard anybody refer to dysentery before as an adventure. n/t

[OriginalGeek]

17. lol, how can it not be?

for one who has never had it before...


They once told me "Don't eat Jack in the Box - it's all kangaroo meat!"

I hopped on over to the counter and got an extra super-taco.


Besides, the hot sauce kills all the really dangerous stuff. Probably.

[trof]

22. They still have the best French fries.

I like crisp, crunchy, shoestring French fries.
I don't like 'steak fries', or 'cottage fries'.
Fat Fingers of mealy fried potatoes.

[nomorenomore08]

23. The fries are pretty much the only reason to go, honestly...

[hibbing]

4. cilantro cavern

Hey,
That's funny stuff. The picture made me gag a bit at the thought of biting into the sour cream section, gross!

Peace

[hunter]

5. It reminds me of the "tacos" we once got in small town Kansas.

Half an hamburger paddy, american cheese, tomato slices and lettuce with a "taco sauce" that tasted like ketchup.

Just like a hamburger but with a pre-made hard taco shell instead of a bun.

[Make7]

14. imgur to the rescue!

[KamaAina]

19. Mahalo!

(thank you)

[MiddleFingerMom]

21. PERFECT!!! Just what I was looking for!!!

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"cilantro cavern" IS great writing!!!
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