My first post-training assignment in the Air Force was to an aircraft maintenance squadron...

[Scuba]

Pilots lives depended on the competence of the mechanics. Mechanics relied on a sense of humor to keep their heads on straight.

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.


(P) = Problem (S) = Solution


(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire


(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft


(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage


(P) Something loose in cockpit

(S) Something loose in cockpit tightened


(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed


(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level


(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order


(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground


(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)


(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That's what they're there for


(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Number three engine found on right wing after brief search


(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious


(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with lyrics

[JimDandy]

1. Got me grinning. Thanks! n/t

[pinboy3niner]

2. Classic!

People in aviation are a special breed. You probably know the old joke about the guy who works at the airport driving the honey truck up to the planes and connecting a hose to pump out their bathroom sewage tanks.

One day the guy's friends corner him: "You come home from work every day covered in crap and reeking to high heaven. Why don't you quit and get another job?"

"What?" the guy asks. "And get out of aviation?"

[Scuba]

3. Another classic!

[Recursion]

4. My dad did avionics in the Navy for a while

Specifically the radio systems. He got in trouble for a squawk response that said,

"Drop-kicked unit; works fine now"

He also got in trouble when they were doing a FOD sweep on the runway (looking for any miscellaneous crap that might get sucked into a jet engine) and he found an officer's sword.

Dad: "Senior Chief, Seaman Recursion has to report a dangerous weapon found during a FOD sweep"
Watch Senior Chief: "Let me see that, Recursion. An officer's sword? I can't believe an officer would just leave his sword lying around on the tarmac."
Dad: "Certainly not, Senior Chief. Seaman Recursion certainly would never follow an officer into battle who had forgotten his sword."

[Callalily]

5. Smiling and grinning here.

My favorite:

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

[Angleae]

6. When I was at McChord AFB I saw another mechanic sign a similar write-up off.

(P) Slip indicator inop.

(S) No movement of slip indicator indicated coordinated turn, congratulations. Operational check good.



Note: The slip indicator is a small curved tube filled with liquid with a small ball inside it. To check it, you remove whatever it's attached to, turn in on its side and see if the ball drops.