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Related: Culture Forums, Support ForumsMy big, fancy, fish-filled, blingy, smokey, loud, crowded Indian wedding ceremony (pics)
Last edited Mon Dec 9, 2013, 07:01 AM - Edit history (3)
OK, that was interesting.
Though we were married in the US in July (there's a thread somewhere in the lounge of those pictures), most of her family couldn't make it there from Calcutta, so we just had our Bengali ceremony in Calcutta this weekend.
Some of the customs we couldn't really do because
A: my family wasn't here, and
B: we didn't have 7 days
So this was the abbreviated version.
The morning started early for my wife, who woke at sunrise and had turmeric and ghee spread all over her face and arms by all the married women in her family:
Being a male in the patriarchy has its advantages, and I woke at my leisure and ate a breakfast of luchi (a kind of fried flatbread, like puri if you know that), eggplant, okra, papaya, mango chutney, lentils, and cauliflower. Fish, rice, meat, and onions are bad luck to eat before the ceremony.
(I have no idea who those people I'm eating with are; I think distant cousins of my wife. The younger girl painted the sandalwood design on my forehead that you'll see later, and advised me on my hair style, which in this picture was apparently unacceptable -- Calcutta is a land of Brill Cream.)
None of them are very devout Hindus in a religious sense, but a neat moment happened when a honeybee came into the apartment. They live on the 27th floor, so they don't fly that high very often. I had been talking about my grandfather who passed away this summer earlier, and mentioned he was a passionate beekeeper. "You never know", Uncle said, and hummed the "twilight zone" song...
Another interesting tradition is that the families exchange fish the day of the ceremony (this is just in Bengal, not all of India). Once upon a time the fish were dressed up in little fish-sized saree's, but nowadays they just put glitter on them.
Here's the fish we sent to my wife's family:
And here's the fish they sent back:
It was delicious (we ate it the next day).
After breakfast and a little bit of turmeric being put on my face, I changed into my first outfit, a sherwani (the shirt) with dhoti (the pants). These pants are probably the least practical garment ever designed, but they do look kind of cool. The hat is unfortunate, but part of the package. (The hat tried to kill me later in the ceremony.)
Since my family isn't here, we had to appoint an impromptu bor jathri (groom's team) to get me ready, take me to the wedding, and make sure none of the kids on the bride's side steal my shoes (if they do, I have to ransom them with some sweets). Here's me, my mesho (uncle on the mother's side -- the taller guy with the mustache) and his friend whose name I didn't catch, who were an excellent bor jathri. (For the duration of the ceremony, I called him "babaji", father.)
And here are me and the three mashis ("aunt", though a much broader term that includes basically any female of your parents' generation). The turmeric-smearing I mentioned has to be done by three married women.
Meanwhile, at my wife's family's house, they were preparing the tents for the ceremony and the dinner, plus the receiving line in the anteroom and veranda. You'll see these thrones again...
When we show up, my wife is in a back room being fawned over by the mashis, and the men and older women of the family come to greet me and the bor jathri, so there's a quick receiving line. Here's me and Dadu (maternal grandfather, though not literally in this case; like "mashi" it's more of a generational term). This guy was really funny. He points to my hat (you'll see more of it later) and says "Son, this hat is very light, yes? But beware! Every year, it gets a little heavier. I've had mine for 40 years..." There's a Bengali saying, "over time, pith (what the hat is made of) turns into iron."
I don't like the look on my face here (this was a pro photographer who kept demanding I look at the camera, which I hate -- it's a wedding, people want to see you interacting, not staring at the camera...) but I'm including it because the teenage girl who advised me on my hair did a great job of painting the sandalwood design on me, so I wanted to show off her work.
Then I have a costume change, and put on a white shawl and white dhoti. In theory I shouldn't wear an undershirt, but I'm so pale I'm afraid people might be blinded...
So, upstairs, in the ceremony tent on the roof, this is me receiving the blessings of my father-in-law (he passed away years ago, so his brother, my "kaku", stands in).
Then begins a long series of introductions of our ancestors to one another, in Sanskrit. I actually took Sanskrit in college, so I could follow a little, but this was said with a Bengali accent which made it difficult (the vowels are rounder and all the s's are sh's). I was applauded after for my patience but around the sixth or seventh time I heard "shri Sholomon" (my great-grandfather's name was Solomon, so that was how every repetition of the list started) I was starting to lose it. But, finally, after sitting cross-legged on a concrete roof for about 45 minutes, I could get up and go "meet" my wife.
This is the famous "seven steps" ceremony, where she walks around me seven times with a betel leaf fan in front of her face, and I hold up that little mirror so that if she "peeks" she'll see her own reflection instead of me.
The kids of the family count the steps, and being kids, jump back to five after six to mess with her, but she was not fooled. After the seven circumgroomigations, she stands in front of me and lowers the fan and I lower the mirror.
Then we go back to the roof tent for the final part of the ceremony. (We also exchange those garlands, she passes hers through mine three times, but apparently nobody got a picture of that. The garlands are amazing; roses and lilies, and surprisingly heavy.)
The priest has me light the fire, which represents the god Agni (or, in some schools of Hinduism, physically is the god Agni). Agni is the witness to the ceremony:
I then pour some ghee on the fire to keep it going (it's an offering, apparently). I had to repeat what the priest said; the parts I understood were "Om in the name of Shiva I give; Om in the name of Krishna I give; Om in the name of Kali I give; Om in the name of Vishnu I give; Om in the name of Holy Mother Durga I give thrice. Om peace Om peace Om peace.", for a total of seven ghee-pourings.
A ghee and bamboo fire makes a lot of smoke:
(Tattoos, incidentally, are unusual enough in India that everybody was really interested in mine. the USMC you can see above, this one I got in grad school, and is Maxwell's Equations in differential form)
We then placed our hands together over the flowers, and had them tied together by my wife's oldest female relative.
And then we have our clothes tied together.(our hands have been untied at this point).
Then we move a stone together with our feet around the fire
And walk around the fire seven times (for some reason again nobody got pictures of this...).
And we offer rice to the fire together
Now comes the climax of the ceremony: I put vermillion on her forehead
And, finally, it's over, I could change back into my sherwani, and we could go eat.
Ah, the food: goat, fish, shrimp, biryani, lentils, luchi, and sweets. The deserts in particular are amazing; basically all based on sweetened condensed milk, and often fried. (As you can see, there may have been some shenanigans with the vermillion at some point. The black marks are a blessing the priest gave us with soot from Agni.)
Even this uninvited guest was given a few goat bones to eat (traditionally you take one-eigth of the wedding feast and give it to hungry people and animals; nowadays you do a cash donation to a food bank in lieu, but it's unlucky to turn away a dog, particularly such a handsome one. )
Finally, there was another receiving line where all the relatives came, hugged us, and gave us gifts. If they were older than us (and that was most of them) we'd get up out of the chair, kneel, touch their feet, and then touch our heads and chests, while they put their hands on our heads and blessed us
Mostly the gifts were money (interesting tidbit: Bengalis and I think Indians in general consider it unlucky to give even amounts of money, so people would give us 501 rupees, or 1001 rupees, or whatever). But some people (especially the closer relatives) gave us actual stuff that they thought we might like, in particular, I'm fond of this drum my kakima (wife of father's younger brother) gave me:
So, there it is. My big, fancy, fish-filled, blingy, smokey, loud, crowded Bengali wedding.
Locut0s
(6,154 posts)You look like a wonderful couple and I really envy you being in India right now. I've lived in Asia, Malaysia China and Taiwan, as a kid and really loved it. I'm 1/2 Chinese myself though don't look it. I loved everything Malaysian at the time and about a 1/3 of Malaysian culture is actually Indian in origin and still have a great fondness for all things Asian. I'd love to travel to India some day and probably will, it's near the top of my list of countries to visit! I can only imagine what the food is like, love Indian dishes in general, I have a particular love for Asian street foods. Have you tried any of the street food in India, how is it?
Wonderful pictures, thanks for posting them, looks like an amazing experience! I've always particularly liked the wonderful colours of Indian saris.
BTW as a former off and on student of math and physics I have to applaud the choice of Maxwell's Equations for the Tattoo. One of the most beautiful discoveries in math and physics!
Recursion
(56,582 posts)Now, when I have regretted it, I've really regretted it... not that it ever tasted bad, but, well, you know...
My favorite are idlis (the closest approximation I can come to is crepes, but that doesn't really do it justice), and of course samosas. In Kolkata I'm fond of momos (pot stickers), and both cities are famous for their wraps: "frankies" in Mumbai an "egg rolls" in Kolkata.
as a former off and on student of math and physics I have to applaud the choice of Maxwell's Equations for the Tattoo
Four less things to memorize for E/Mag 101 (though as my professor said, if you're in grad school in EE and need help remembering them, you've got bigger problems than crib notes can help with...) And, yes, I think they're the most beautiful math/physics discovery there is; more even than E=MC^2 (which, after all, ultimately falls out of them, as does relativity, though it took an Einstein to see that...)
silverweb
(16,402 posts)[font color="navy" face="Verdana"]Beautiful pictures and very interesting culturally. May you have many happy years together.
HipChick
(25,485 posts)Hekate
(90,616 posts)I remember your earlier post leading up to this. Blessings and happiness always.
tblue37
(65,269 posts)Recursion
(56,582 posts)All the ladies in that family looked great but especially her.
840high
(17,196 posts)Cha
(297,029 posts)fancy Bengali wedding happiness with us.
To a long and healthy happy life together~
lillypaddle
(9,580 posts)thanks for sharing it - beautiful ceremony and pictures. Bride is lovely, you are handsome. You will remember this forever.
Hissyspit
(45,788 posts)All I can think of is that backward Seinfeld episode.
Enthusiast
(50,983 posts)calimary
(81,179 posts)But this was so much better and nobody messed it up!
Recursion
(56,582 posts)It was set up north, though; very different area...
pugetres
(507 posts)Thank you for sharing your wedding with us all. I just loved seeing and reading descriptions about your special special day. Keep your memories close to your heart!
calimary
(81,179 posts)Glad you're here! What a cool, fun, yummy thread to be part of, 'eh? LOVE IT!!!
mecherosegarden
(745 posts)Thank you for sharing!
weissmam
(905 posts)I had a similar experience getting married both in the states and with my wife's family in China-
Good Luck to you guys
calimary
(81,179 posts)Good to have you with us! Sometimes we just have these really really WUNNNNNderful threads... This one was really fun! And a visual rhapsody at that!
a la izquierda
(11,791 posts)I bet it was a blast and you look very happy!
Enthusiast
(50,983 posts)Phentex
(16,334 posts)Congrats and thanks for sharing!
hedgehog
(36,286 posts)Skinner
(63,645 posts)Thanks for sharing.
live love laugh
(13,091 posts)pnwest
(3,266 posts)marble falls
(57,055 posts)Earth_First
(14,910 posts)Thanks for sharing this with us!
HappyMe
(20,277 posts)Wishing you and your lovely bride many years of health and happiness. Such beautiful clothes!
I always enjoy your posts about your life there. Kind of an up close and personal armchair travelogue. Thanks for posting.
DebJ
(7,699 posts)you didn't like.... I think you look great!
Aristus
(66,307 posts)The pics are wonderful. I wish you many years of happiness together...
benld74
(9,904 posts)Recursion
(56,582 posts)It all looks normal to me now. I'm probably in for a surprise when I do my R&R back in the US next summer...
warrior1
(12,325 posts)Sissyk
(12,665 posts)Thank you for sharing that wonderful ceremony with us!
livetohike
(22,133 posts)Thank you so much for sharing your special day.
libodem
(19,288 posts)Thank you for sharing this. I feel like I had a cultural experience. Your wife is a beauty. Congratulations!!!
msanthrope
(37,549 posts)Adsos Letter
(19,459 posts)What a ceremony! And your bride is lovely!
Regarding the dog at the meal: it must be a universal maxim adopted by dogs everywhere, as our three dogs have always insisted that it is bad luck to turn a dog away from the dinner table (or any other place where food is present).
Blessings and long and happy life to you both.
Recursion
(56,582 posts)He's no fool. He knows exactly what he's doing....
Jim Lane
(11,175 posts)I had an automatic reaction that some of the customs you described were silly, but of course the only reason I don't think that about all of our customs is that I'm used to them.
It's easy to picture the Bengalis being interested, but sometimes politely trying to hide their laughter, if they got a similar recap of your wedding here.
Recursion
(56,582 posts)A lot of people don't know that, but there are still about a million Anglo-Indians living in the subcontinent, mostly in Mumbai, Madras, and Kolkata; anybody who went to school pre-Independence would have been brought up with English education, too. They did find our idea of having the US wedding on a boat kind of neat. We brought a DVD to them but I forgot that India is PAL; fortunately there's conversion software available on Linux...
Arugula Latte
(50,566 posts)Oh, and congratulations!
OriginalGeek
(12,132 posts)Cheers to you and your lovely bride and best wishes for all your lives!
I gotta admit though, I'd get a little nervous if folks from a whole other culture started smearing seasonings on me - I'd be checking around to make sure there isn't a man-sized pot full of boiling water somewhere...
And OMG that dog is awesome - what a sly grin he seems to have - like he knows he's scoring plush wedding food lol.
Recursion
(56,582 posts)There's some plan hatching in that canine brain. It may not go much farther than "goat bones ZOMG!!!", but then again it doesn't have to.
OriginalGeek
(12,132 posts)WilliamPitt
(58,179 posts)ALL the Awesome. There is no Awesome anywhere else. It is all here.
Scuba
(53,475 posts)blogslut
(37,990 posts)My eyes are leaking.
aikoaiko
(34,165 posts)I learned a new word: circumgroomigations.
I will have to find a chance to use it.
shenmue
(38,506 posts)Long happy life to you both.
surrealAmerican
(11,359 posts)Great photos, too.
I love the glittery fish.
kwassa
(23,340 posts)That's an old Indian wedding tradition, too!
Recursion
(56,582 posts)I stopped myself after I wrote that, thinking that can't be possible, since it was only high school, but, yeah, that was urk 20 years ago.
Bengalis are sailors, not horsemen.
idwiyo
(5,113 posts)sheshe2
(83,708 posts)Beautiful pictures~
denbot
(9,899 posts)Congrats BTW
GoCubsGo
(32,078 posts)Congratulations! Wishing the two of you many happy years together!
I just love those garlands you wore!
Trailrider1951
(3,413 posts)What an honor it is to sit in on your wedding! Thank you for posting your story and pictures, they are just beautiful. I wish much happiness to you and your bride.
Sandy
jannyk
(4,810 posts)What an truly memorable experience for you both - thanks so much for sharing with us.
I've been to a couple of Hindu weddings here in the States (Fremont,CA) but nothing as elaborate as this. Never seen a 'hat' like that either....never ever.
Did you have gulab jaman? I'd kill for some right now - and pooris and goat curry and.......
Belated congratulations to you both.
eridani
(51,907 posts)Thanks for sharing, and have a great life together.
elleng
(130,825 posts)Curmudgeoness
(18,219 posts)about Bengali traditions. Thanks.
CherokeeDem
(3,709 posts)I thoroughly enjoyed seeing these pictures of your wedding and appreciate the explanation of what was happening. Lovely traditions.
May you have a wonderful life together!
SalviaBlue
(2,914 posts)I really enjoyed the pictures.
hfojvt
(37,573 posts)Is that a sneaky way to cheat on your exams?
And is your wife's name Bonolata Sen?
My own graduate school roommate was from the Calcutta area, although last I heard he was in North Carolina. So I can still almost speak more Bengali than I can German, even though I took four years of high school German back around the turn of the 19th century or something.
As I say, somewhat ironically, ami jahni Bangla na.
Recursion
(56,582 posts)But Sen would be a caste downgrade for her, so I don't think the mashis would approve.
As far as the Bangla goes, I try to stick with "ami kichu bujte parchi na" unless absolutely necessary; the less they think I understand, the better.
Liberal_in_LA
(44,397 posts)Recursion
(56,582 posts)But, well, I haven't been at the gym as much as I should have...
And, yes, she is absolutely beautiful.
alfredo
(60,071 posts)nolabear
(41,956 posts)CarrieLynne
(497 posts)thank you for sharing~!
2naSalit
(86,500 posts)That's really interesting. Congrats and thanks for sharing! I have been kind of studying cultures of India and places a little north and east of there, this is quite a treat to see and read about.
May you both live long and prosper!
calimary
(81,179 posts)THANK YOU, Recursion!!!! Congratulations! What a time!!! So gorgeous! Colorful, magical, exotic, mysterious, entrancing, delicious, mystical, dreamy, fascinating, ravishing, yummy! The traditions and customs that you explain, so simply but clearly, the beautiful garb - the fabrics, the embellishments, the lavishly alluring facial decorations, the jewels and trims and fabrics and flowers and other adornments, the decorated food! Those ceremonial fish! You can almost smell the aromas of the cuisine. Dayum! The familial roles and relationships, and all their meanings! I'm just delirious! MAN! What a TREAT!!! Yes, I'm SHOUTING!!!
This post of yours makes me feel like celebrating! That's one amazing hat, too - utterly architectural. A topiary for the head! The imagination that conceives and creates all this stuff - just sort of takes one's breath away. What a glorious, and richly-embroidered experience! REALLY makes an event out of it - as it deserves to be. That drum is particularly cool, btw. And how sweet the little anecdote about the dog! Just a whole buncha sweet, Recursion. What a happy, fun, and fancy day!
I've never attended a wedding like this before. Just WUNNNNNNNderful! Thanks so much for sharing this - loved following along and meeting everybody and admiring everything, and you write it up so charmingly, too. I could eat this with a very large spoon!
Pretzel_Warrior
(8,361 posts)J/k
Recursion
(56,582 posts)Sometimes Mark Ruffalo, but I don't let that get to my head.
Pretzel_Warrior
(8,361 posts)Lucinda
(31,170 posts)♥
asjr
(10,479 posts)geardaddy
(24,926 posts)Thanks for the beautiful pictures!
Jesus Malverde
(10,274 posts)Congratulations and thanks for sharing!
Baitball Blogger
(46,697 posts)Very nice. Great pictures.
Solly Mack
(90,761 posts)Wonderful, wonderful sharing!
Congrats to you both!
redwitch
(14,943 posts)Thanks for sharing the story of your wedding, I really enjoyed reading it and seeing the pictures. May you and your wife have many happy years together!
shireen
(8,333 posts)Thank you for sharing this beautiful event with us. Congratulations to you both.
Kali
(55,006 posts)thank you for sharing this wonderful event/experience with us!
magical thyme
(14,881 posts)I love that hat. It looks like something Carol Burnett would wear in some sketch or other
Btw, the fonz look becomes you. And thank you for sharing your feast with the uninvited doggie!
DeschutesRiver
(2,354 posts)Thanks for sharing all those photos, what cool customs and such a happy time for you two...joy shined through those pictures....
Congrats to both of you, and my wishes for an equally awesome and long life together!
pnwmom
(108,973 posts)What an amazing day that must have been. I'm so happy for you both!
colorado_ufo
(5,731 posts)Thank you so much for allowing us all to be guests at your beautiful wedding!
Eleanors38
(18,318 posts)And such a beautiful bride. The adventure begins.