I AM a perfect asshole; cherokeeprogressive's colonoscopy PSA...

[cherokeeprogressive]

Stopped eating solid food at 7:00 Thursday night for a Saturday appt. Water and Iced Tea on Friday, nothing else. Started drinking the Zombie Piss at 6:00. One 8oz glass every ten minutes, to a total of eight glasses. The PEG (polyethylene glycol) has many different brand names such as Golytely, Gavilyte, etc. It's NASTY NASTY shit. Mine was a big empty bottle with powder in it meant to be mixed with water. It had a "lemon flavor" packet attached to the outside. I had my Wife buy a box of Crystal Light Lemonade packets, and mixed 3 packets (enough for 48oz of water) with it and it was STILL nasty. On top of that, I chilled it over ice in a shaker and it was STILL nasty. The only piece of advice I can offer here other than mixing something like Crystal Light with it is: Drink each 8oz glass to the bottom without stopping. Once you tilt the glass, don't put it down until every drop is gone. Ten minutes later, do it again, until you're finished. I guess what I'm trying to say is there is only ONE THING you can do here: Get it the fuck over with.

When the dam finally broke, I was in and out of the bathroom about 10 times. On this aspect of the whole deal, I was given much advice. Baby wipes, aloe-infused tissue, Tucks, etc. Let me tell you what my Wife suggested, and what I did. BEFORE I went the first time, I retired to the Water Closet with a tube of Desitin and some tissue. Liberal application. After each and every movement, I applied some more after the paperwork was done. All I can say is I finished the night with no discomfort whatsoever. Did the same thing this morning (the second 64oz started at 4:00 a.m.). Advice? Get yourself a tube of Desitin. Apply before the PEG starts working, and again after each bowel movement. I'm VERY glad I did.

Checked in at 7:30, walked out of the building at 9:34.

At about 8:30 was taken to the prep room, where I disrobed, and lay on the bed as I was told. They put the IV in and took my blood pressure, and wheeled me to the room where the procedure was done.

The Doctor and the Anesthesiologist were there when I arrived. The Doc spoke for a moment or two, then the Sleep Guy told me he'd be using propofol to put me out. I told him I wanted to go to the 12th level of unconsciousness. He said not to worry.

I was asked to roll onto my side and draw my knees up to my chest. The Anesthesiologist put the syringe into the IV and told me I'd feel a slight burning sensation that would go away momentarily. I looked at the clock... it said 8:40.

I blinked and when I opened my eyes I noticed the Anesthesiologist wasn't sitting at the end of the bed as he was only a moment ago. I started to say something to the Nurse, who had her back to me, and startled her. "Oh, you're awake already?" I told her I didn't think the anesthesia was working. She laughed. "Honey, you're finished". I looked at the clock. It said 8:55.

So they take me to the recovery room and I'm struck by two things: First, the quickness of the procedure could be good, could be bad. Is it possible the Doc saw so much bad stuff he decided not to look any further? That's pretty much what was on my mind. Second, how the hell could I be so wide awake? I was ready to roll off the bed and walk right out of there. They wouldn't let me though, until my blood pressure went back up over 100. When it got there, I started getting dressed.

The Doc pulled the curtain back and walked into the cubicle. He asked if I had any pain from the diverticulitis episode I had last year (my first and only). I told him no. He said good, because you don't have diverticulitis, you have diverticulosis, which are the intestinal pockets but not the inflammation. FIBER, he said.

I said "What about the rest of it?" He smiled and said "See you in ten years." No polyps, no lesions, no nuthin'. He confirmed a whole bunch of peoples' belief: I AM a perfect asshole.

Bottom line: On a scale of 1-10, 1 being a walk in the park while holding hands with the prettiest girl I've ever met and 10 being the worst thing I've ever encountered, I'd put the entire experience at about a 1 1/2. And to be PERFECTLY honest, I'm only adding the 1/2 because...

THAT SHIT TASTED FUCKING HORRIBLE.

So I guess my goal now is to live until my next colonoscopy.

[A HERETIC I AM]

1. Yay!

Your anethesia story reminded me of when I had a wisdom tooth pulled. They put me under and, like you, I felt like I was out for 3 seconds, but it had been about 90 minutes.

Glad you're OK. Too bad they didn't find oil!

[cherokeeprogressive]

3. LOL Maybe next time.

And ya know what else? I'm certain I could have driven a Freightliner up the hill today.

I was told last night not to plan on eating today... well. We stopped at a Cocos on the way back from the hospital and I wolfed down Country Fried Steak and Eggs, Breakfast Potatoes, and a big buttermilk biscuit. I'm already thinkin' about what I'm going to have for dinner LOL.

It weren't bad at all... it was the Zombie Piss that sucked eggs.

[A HERETIC I AM]

5. :::Searching for the "Like" button:::: n/t

[LeftofObama]

2. So, I have to ask,

what did you eat for your first meal?

[cherokeeprogressive]

4. LOL See post #3. n/t

[petronius]

6. Congratulations! Glad everything was OK...

[valerief]

7. Great news. You're like the Katie Couric of DU. nt

[Aristus]

8. When I was working in admission and recovery, we called the Golytely "swamp water."

I've still never tasted it, and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm up for my baseline colonoscopy here in about five years. I'll let you know how it goes...

Glad to hear it went well...

[awoke_in_2003]

9. When I got put under...

I remember it like this: Nurse put a needle in the IV, 2 secs later I start to feel it, and managed to say "that was fast". The nurse said "nighty night" and the next thing I knew it was 30 minutes later and I was in recovery. Good stuff.

[LiberalEsto]

10. We were just talking about offering GoLytely in the lounge cafeteria

Ya think?

[CTyankee]

11. I'm done. My 2nd colonoscopy that is OK and I'm too old and I'm done.

My GI doc is a great gal. Very nice. Did a good job. Love her. BUT. Ain't doin' it any more. Too old, also no family history of colon cancer (a BIG indicator) and I don't care.

The prep is just too difficult on older people's systems. Really. It is rough. I have no symptoms, family history or past problems with these tests to justify them.

G'bye.

[nolabear]

12. That crap tastes like Dippity Do.

Don't ask...

[840high]

13. Good. When I woke up

in recovery room - anesthesiologist said "we did a Michael Jackson on you."

[graywarrior]

14. Congratulations!

Was the high worth it?

[DinahMoeHum]

15. Glad to know everything went well.

[Wounded Bear]

16. You're not a perfect asshole....

You're just a healthy one.

Congrats on a positive test result. Best wishes going forward. Look at the bright side, maye in 10 years they'll have a differnent procedure where you won't have to drink that shit

[yourout]

17. Just had mine done on Monday.....spent the extra $50 for Moviprep. Only had to drink 1/2 gallon.....

with that.

The procedure was a walk in the park(1st one for me). Good for another 10 years.

Now a member of the club.....still waiting for the membership card.

[Gore1FL]

18. The prep is the worst for a colonoscopy

I had a partial colectomy in October. The cleanout ranked a little lower on that procedure, but it was still close to the top.

[pipi_k]

19. Disappointed...

Well, I'm glad everything worked out fine and all, but you left out an important part...

What about the post-procedure farting?

I was hoping for some hilarity there...

[cherokeeprogressive]

20. So was I.

They remove as much of the air as they can I guess. I farted once in recovery and once in the car. Other than that, nothing.

[LiberalElite]

21. Not a compensated spokesperson but

when I had this done last month, I was told to follow a different regimen than the other times. This time I had to get stuff called Suprep. Cost a good bit more but easier to take: Two "split" doses, less total liquid to swallow and a salty fruit punch flavor. IMHO much better than the Miralax/Gatorade gagfest.

[Paper Roses]

22. I have had the best laughs reading your commentaries about this procedure.

Anyone who ever had it done was in full agreement with your descriptions, I'm sure.
The best part is when it is over and you get the good news.

Although it is not a picnic, everyone should have it done when they reach the recommended age.

Glad you are up and no longer running.

[cherokeeprogressive]

23. Here's why I was so worried about the results...

In the 80s, I worked in Naval Aviation as an "airframer". That's someone who works on flight controls, landing gear, and generally the fuselage or "body" of the airplane, including its paint.

I worked with untold amounts of man-made oils, lubricants, solvents, and whatnot. I painted with polyurethane paint and wore no respirator or protective clothing, whereas today they wear barrier suits and forced-air respirators. I practically bathed in hydraulic fluid, and at the end of the day used a solvent soaked rag to wipe/wash it off of my skin. Toluene, methyl-ethyl ketone, TMIK, whatever was handy; we'd soak rags with it and use those dripping wet rags to clean ourselves after working on a hydraulic component over our heads and getting soaked to the skin from head to toe with hydraulic fluid. No one knew any better, and the Navy didn't provide us with any information that suggested we were doing anything wrong.

That's the main reason I've avoided the test for 2 1/2 years after my 50th bday, and the reason I was so worried about what the results might be. In my mind I nearly cried when the Doc was more interested in talking about the diverticulosis than any other results.

All in all? Not a bad thing to experience at ALL other than the drinking of 128 ounces of Zombie Piss. I'm guessing that in 10 years they will have come up with something a little more palatable. Maybe a Surf & Turf dinner that gives you diarrhea for 48 hours or however long it takes to clear your colon, or some other alternative dinner for vegetarians, vegans, and others? Wouldn't that be cool. Hell, I'd go have a couple colonoscopies a year for that...

[zappaman]

24. Congrats!

Looking forward to my first experience with zombie piss!

[cherokeeprogressive]

25. If your Doctor won't give you the pills you mentioned...

and you HAVE to drink the Nectar of the Devil, drink it as fast as you can. I carefully measured out 8oz at a time, shook it over ice in the shaker, and once the glass was tilted, I didn't stop until it was empty. Still though... damn. That was the ONLY bad part of the whole experience.

Thanks for the congrats. Ten years until my next scoping. I guess that's my current life goal: To live long enough for the Doctor to feel the need to stick a camera up my ass.