Winter Olympics sports we need
1. Skijoring. This Norwegian phrase roughly translates to "Hey, y'all, watch this." This particular form of attempted suicide involves riding nordic skis while being towed by a horse.
2. Snowball Fighting. Combatants will be penalized for putting rocks in the snowballs.
3. Smear. Think of it as a snow-oriented version of The Hunger Games.
4. Snowmobile racing. Anyone who thinks this isn't an athletic event never had to drag one out of a hidden ditch.
5. Heliskiing. The participants will be flown 300 km from the resort the day the Olympics starts with a set of cross country skis and ten days' clothing in a rucksack, and must return to Olympic Stadium by the closing ceremonies. Food, water and shelter will be provided en route.
6. Figure skating with NHL enforcers.
7. Snowverse. Consists of a ski downhill run, snowboard downhill, telemark, ski jump, one lap classic nordic, one lap skate ski, one lap biathlon, one lap snowshoe.
8. Snowshoe. 30km with a 20kg rucksack. Must be in your country's military to participate.
9. Alpine Rescue. Open only to ski patrol members, teams of four must recover an 80kg sandbag from a ravine and carry it to an aid station.