Think before you speak!

[Jenoch]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back? 
  
FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word...he knew better. 
 
SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by 
one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. 
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 
'I think I like playing with men's balls' 
  

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and 
passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, ' No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. 
  

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust 
and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, 
I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. 
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
 
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so ofcourse I checked myseven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No' .. I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. 
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. 
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!' While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
  

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weathermanand asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[Le Taz Hot]

1. Those were hysterical!

Especially the Taco Bell one.

The only one I can think of was a long time ago I used to work for a company that made pickled peppers, pickled giardinara, etc. I had an intercom to the warehouse and one day a guy walked in wanting 10 cases of pickled peppers. I get on the intercom and ordered "10 cases of pickled peckers." Needless to say the warehouse guys had no mercy for months after that.

[In_The_Wind]

2. Kicked and recommended

[MicaelS]

3. You are fibbing.

There is no way one woman could do all those things.

[Wounded Bear]

4. Open mouth, insert foot...

chew vigorously.

[pipi_k]

5. Wish I had a

Zipper for my mouth sometimes...

Always putting my foot in it, but at least not on TV


Some years ago, a local news channel was asking for blood donations for the Red Cross. Trying to convince viewers that it wasn't a real scary thing, one of the two female anchors said, "It's just a little prick" before she realized how it would sound, then sat for a few seconds looking like a deer caught in headlights before being rescued by her coworker

[840high]

6. heehee kick

[Brigid]

7. I notice that in about half of these,

Children were involved.

[Jenoch]

8. I think that they are all plausible however.

I still remember something 5 year old niece said to my mother's friends (I was 12). My mother had two friends who were heavyset. Upon meeting them, my niece said to one of them "you're fat" and to the other "so are...". She then realized what she was saying and ran off in tears. It was awkward for everyone, especially my mother. The ladies understood and there were no hard feelings. My now almost 40 year old niece would be horrified and embarrassed if anyone would remind her of the episode.

[kickysnana]

9. Pre-verbal edition

The family was at Pizza Hut where the tables were quite close together my youngest in a high chair on the corner next to daddy. As a pretty young waitress walked past the table Jr reaches out and grabs the girl on the rump. Daddy did not see what happened. The waitress slowed, turned around, and aimed an If looks could kill look at...daddy. Turned and went into the kitchen. I spit my soda all over the table laughing. Quickly I pulled myself together, told Jr "No,no!", quickly explained to Daddy what happened and then waited until the waitress came back out of the kitchen to apologize to her and tell her what really happened. She was able to laugh about it and we didn't get thrown out of the restaurant.

[Boom Sound 416]

10. Kick

[Tribalceltic]

11. A thank you kick

On a day I'm dreading a dr. visit. Thank you for the .

[sendero]

12. A great laugh..

... thanks for posting that

[Purrfessor]

13. While dining at a steakhouse with our four-year-old daughter...

the waiter stopped by as we were eating to ask how was everything. My daughter told him it was fine. A little later the manager stopped and asked the same question. Again my daughter answered. Then the fellow that kept the water glasses full stopped, replenished our glasses, and also asked how was everything. Daughter again answered.

Within a few minutes our waiter passed and asked, "How is everything?" This was too much for my daughter. She set her fork aside, perched straight up in her seat, glared at the waiter and said, "I just told you everything is fine. Now how many times are you going to ask that question?"

[trof]

14. My daughter was 5 or 6.

In a store, we ran into a guy I'd gone to high school with 10 or 12 years ago.
I knew that Norm had some kind of a glandular condition.
Or possibly a birth defect.

He was perfectly pear shaped.
Small in head, chest, and shoulders, sloping down to a large belly and butt.
His pants were almost under his armpits.

After we'd chatted for a few minutes my lovely daughter looked up and him in in a clear voice said "You sure wear big pants."

He laughed.
I wanted to crawl into a hole.