Minor venting on behavior: why would someone say or think this?

[Populist_Prole]

Was over at a couple's house, a friend I see a few times a year. This time I noticed they had a HUGE new TV set, some big-ass flat screen thing that had to be 7 or 8 feet wide. Anyway, he tells me it was 4200 dollars, and before I could even think and react as in "holy shit, 4 grand for a TV!?" he excitedly chirps "and we got it for FREE!". I was something like "that's great, did you win it in a raffle or some other prize?". He replied kinda' sheepishly that he sold a bunch of old collectibles he had ( rare mechanical parts ) and got 4K for them. I say, well that's not exactly free: if it was you'd be counting that four grand while watching your mega-TV. I noticed his wife did a restrained chuckle but he got really defensive and downright pissed at me and asked me why I was such a smartass. It really made the atmosphere tense and uncomfortable.

I'm like WTF? I know he was always very "stuff" oriented and all, and so for chrissakes, why not just say "Hey we sold some old stuff and blew it on a TV"?

Just wanted to get it off my chest. The sudden ugliness of the exchange really rocked me.

[dballance]

1. Hmm, I bet that big-assed TV is not going to appreciate in value...

...like, say, the collectibles would.

My TV is an old flat-screen. Fortunately I don't really watch TV anymore so it's not important to me. My car is 12 years-old but it's a Volvo so it still has a lot life left in it.

I'm a tech geek from hell so about 8 years ago I spent a good amount of money building my own computer from scratch. I just upgraded the processor the to the last one and fastest one I could upgrade to with my current motherboard. This is the second time I've upgraded the processor rather than buying a whole new machine and it only cost me $104 plus shipping. It's a quad-processor with some good performance. I can probably use it now for another couple of years. Then I'll have to repeat the process. Oh yep, I did, in the last couple of years also spend about $200 upgrading the graphics card. I'm not a gamer but I do use Photoshop.

"Stuff" is so unimportant.

The fact your friend got defensive means he actually understands how silly "stuff" really is. Your story makes me think about all those people I see driving really expensive, fast cars who, I believe, must have penis issues.

[Populist_Prole]

2. Wow, I'm the same way

I like to upgrade PCs to both get better performance and get more life out of them. It's as much a matter of pride as practicality. So many others, as well as the person aforementioned, just go buy a new off the rack PC time and time again.

Funny thing about the incident I mentioned: I think you have it right. Though it was one of those "had to be there" moments. It probably really was a sense of some cognitive dissonance about "stuff". Though my actual words didn't chide him on his acquisition of said stuff, I now think my tone/vibe came across as a finger wagging refutation of being some mindless "consumer". They ( him and his wife ) have turned sharply conservative the last several years, and so I was busting his balls I guess.

Even so, though there might be a reason, the sudden nastiness ( you had to be there ) really rattled me. I'm not sure if it was a latent conservative thing or just a rationalization/cover up of buyer's remorse. These are not rich people.

[dballance]

3. I agree. It is a matter of pride for me too.

I've been a tech geek since before there was the IBM desktop and Microsoft. Back when IBM was king of the world.

They didn't call it a "PC" back then because no one thought anyone would every have a "personal" computer. It was a "desktop" or a "workstation" in their marketing to ensure businesses would find them valuable. I so have to laugh.

I must credit my father for my way of thinking. He taught us to never create waste. He grew up during the Great Depression when things were actually tough. Not like we think things are "though" today.

So what if you "busted his balls?" We're both here on DU so, of course, I'm going to support you for finger-wagging about being a mindless consumer.

I have to wonder about the background of your friend.

I will admit I have, in my past, been one of the most horrible conspicuous consumers and assholes. I've leveraged my credit to the point of totally breaking and fell into the trap. I'm pretty sure I've been who your friend is because I used to have a love of "stuff" and making sure people knew I had "stuff" and that I lived in one of the best downtown condos. I'd be the first one to buy for everyone at the bar or restaurant.

Quite frankly, I was a privileged white, male asshole. Then my company down-sized and I wasn't a "necessary person they needed to keep. Shit happens. Though it does hit home a bit more when it happens to you.

I grew up very poor on a farm in TN so I did everything that was necessary to become "successful." In the end, now, Karma has served me up.

Thanks for corresponding. I'm enjoying it.

[Populist_Prole]

4. Such an interesting post

Good to hear I'm not some luddite. I've been called cheap by some for attempting to repair or upgrade things instead of buying new at the first sign of trouble, My depression era grandfather was a big factor in my views but it was never presented as a "in my day" hard-ass lecture: It was simply common sense.

As to this person; We were co-workers. He isn't overtly racist but is/was a "white flight suburbanite" who came of age during the Eisenhower era. I never had it that good. He freaked out during the first and only setback he faced job wise. Even 10 years younger I had endured several. Spoiled I guess.....................

[lovemydog]

5. I had a laugh at your original post because I can relate.

I sometimes piss others off and I was just trying to be friendly or make conversation or have a laugh or speak sincerely. Looking at it from a few other points of view (which is fun after you've gotten back home) it might have been a source of tension with his wife, or it hit a nerve of insecurity in him, or felt 'my home is my castle and I invited you into it and you dare not criticize me here in my home.' Though maybe you yourself feel you could have worded it differently in a way that wasn't so upsetting, and maybe you feel a bit weird about it. That's what happens to me when I dwell on odd conversations, which I do. It's all pretty funny considering we're small specks on this wild & crazy planet. Oh, and the easiest explanation is that he's kind of jerk who might not be that much fun to be around.

[Chan790]

6. To take the obverse position...

if someone wanted to give me $4K for my trash to buy a TV or (assuming now actually that there's a good chance the buyer and seller are the same retailer/person...i.e. a pawn shop) if someone wanted to give me a $4K TV for my trash...I'd also consider the TV free since I paid for it either directly or indirectly with items of no personal or monetary value to me.

It's like in HS when my friend Eric traded me Frank Thomas' rookie card for a pair of shitty $5 sunglasses...each of us were thrilled because we'd given up something that we held worthless for something we wanted.

Cash is a medium, a barter-economy intermediary, it only has value in what it can be exchanged for. It's a legal-tender chit or marker of comparatively-universal acceptance. $4K in cash has no value except that it can be used to acquire $4k in goods or $4k in goods can be used to acquire $4k in cash; the purpose is to allow individuals whose products for sale and products of want do not coincide to engage in commerce.

In effect, he really did get a TV for free...it cost him garbage, either directly or via an intermediary transaction.

[MH1]

7. A lot can depend on tone.

I wasn't there, but I'm thinking it's possible you DID come off as a smartass. And he does sound like he over-reacted about it.

A lot of people don't like their viewpoints challenged. Even over something that seems as minor as this. To him, he achieved some sort of victory by the transaction, and was crowing about it, and instead of being like "cool, dude!" you deflated his balloon.

I can't think of an example but I'm sure there's times I called something "free" that really wasn't.

Heck for almost any situation, the result isn't free because at the very least it cost you your time.

[steve2470]

10. + 1 nt

[pipi_k]

8. I can kinda sorta

see both sides here.


It's not really "free" if you've paid for it.


OTOH, if I have a bunch of stuff lying around that I never use and I get money for it that I then use to buy something else that I will use, it's not like I used "real" money or anything. Kind of hard to explain... I guess IMO, whatever I had lying around had depreciated to the point where, to me, it was basically useless, so even if I didn't sell it for cash and then buy something else, but gathered it all together and used it as barter, to me it's like free stuff.


Anyway, I don't understand why the conversation had to take an ugly turn there. Unless maybe his wife had said the same thing to him and he just didn't want to be reminded that there's another side to consider in this story, which is that it's not really free if you had to give something to get something.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

9. Your friend is bad at math ... ?

[steve2470]

11. I've learned you can be the kindest person on the planet and....

someone will get pissed off at you, for something. If you aren't "appropriately" oohing and aaahing over something, someone will get annoyed. A lot of people don't handle disagreement well. Part of the reason why the divorce rate is so high.

[Iggo]

12. Eh, he thought you were stupid.

When it turned out ya ain't, he started looking around for the stupid one and got uncomfortable sensing where that search was headed, the chuckle from the missus not helping the sitch.

[Fla Dem]

13. "I noticed his wife did a restrained chuckle." There's the crux of the matter.

I'll bet anything they had a discussion that went something like this.

Him...Honey, I'm going to sell the whatamacallits, I think I can get $4000 for them.

Her...great, we can use the $4000 for a new (pick one)fridge, stove, washing machine/ dryer.

Him...heck no. Big Al's got s big sale on flat screen TV's . I can get a 7' flat screen with all the bells and whistles for just $4000.

Her..but you know we need a new (fill in the blank). You already have a perfectly good 42" flat screen. Our refrigerators on it last leg.

Him...Sorry babe, this one's for me, and it's like I'm getting it for free, because we didn't have the 4 grand to begin with.

Her...but, but, YOU ARE SELLING SOMETHING OF OURS OF VALUE, and that value could be put into something we really need. You are unbelievable.

Him....discussion closed, end of story.

[noamnety]

14. I consider most of my groceries to be free.

I don't actually pay for them, but I get store credit through their corporate fitness program if I log my workouts. I bike to the store, get "free" milk and kale or apples, then bike home. Those miles conveniently earn me the milk and produce for next week. On the one hand, I have to work for it, but on the other I should exercise anyway so it's just a free benefit.

He might feel the same. He had clutter (or a small hoard?) to get rid of, and instead of just trashing it, he was able to get the tv without having to pay "new" money for it. Maybe there was a cash transaction in the middle, but I imagine on his end it feels like he bartered for it.

[avebury]

24. I have never heard of this type of program.

What part of the country do you live in and what store offers that type of program. I am curious to know more about this program. Thanks in advance.

[noamnety]

25. Sears/Kmart runs the program.

You need a sears/kmart loyalty card thing (called shopyourway). It's free. Then you sign up for an account on their fitness site - fitstudio.com and link that to your shopyourway account.

You also need some gps way of tracking your mileage when you walk/run/bike. Fitbit will do that, or if you have a smartphone, the runkeeper app is free - I just use that. On fitstudio, link your fitbit or runkeeper app. I think there are other apps or devices that work, too.

Sign up for their fitin14 challenge. You rack up points for your mileage, up to $5 a week. Also, each time you burn 100 calories, you get points. Depending on your motivation to earn groceries, you can do one long 14 mile ride and get the $5, but you could also start/stop/save the activity each time you've burned 100 calories, and do the next 100 calories as a new activity. I do that sometimes if I'm walking, but can't be bothered to stop a bike ride for it. You get more points for weighing in daily, for setting fitness goals, stuff like that.

I'm fortunate, I can bike to a superkmart which has a full grocery department, and the round trip is about 19 miles. So I go, get my stuff for the week that I've earned, and that trip racks up enough points that I've earned the points for the following week by buying this week's stuff.

You can also hook up runkeeper or other apps to walgreens and simultaneously earn store credit there from the same miles but they aren't nearly as generous.

[Phentex]

15. It sounds a little rude on both sides to me...

Personally, I think it's rude to tell somebody how much something costs unless they ask. But that sounds like someone who is "stuff oriented". I think the first part of your response was perfectly reasonable...well that's not exactly free. It's the next part that sounds a bit rude and smartassy. But it doesn't sound like anything HE should be upset over.

[Populist_Prole]

16. Thanks for all the excellent insight all

So interesting, all the responses, especially with me being so interested in the hows and whys of human nature.

[mackerel]

17. You were a guest in his home. Sure the guy doesn't understand the word free

but what's it matter? He bought something new and he loves it. It's part of the American culture to have big arse
t.v.'s. Who are we to judge? You should be the non-stuff better guy and apologize or maybe don't hang out with him.

[Populist_Prole]

18. Yeah. If pressed, I'd choose the latter

I wouldn't have if they didn't become RW douchebags...which they did.

[Skittles]

19. he's embarrassed he was willing to pay that much for a TV he really wanted

and is trying to mitigate his reasoning for getting it.......let it go

[steve2470]

20. kick him in the arse, Skittles :p

[Skittles]

21. which one

the idiot who thinks he needs a TV that big or the DUer who cannot understand said idiot?

[steve2470]

22. the idiot, let's have mercy on the DUer :) nt

[RobinA]

23. You Kinda

rained on his parade. To him it was free because the money didn't come out of his bank account. No, its not EXACTLY free, but who cares? You told him he was wrong to look at it that way.

We all have the urge to argue about this kind of thing from time to time, but it seems better not to.

I mean, I might have had to fight the urge to ask why anyone would pay that much for a TV, but hey...

[PoliticAverse]

26. Saying it was 'free' helps one justify spending the $4,200 to buy something one wants. n/t