Considering a move across country. Any helpful advice?

[Liberal Veteran]

My spouse would like to be nearer to his family. We live in the Pacific NW (the conservative side of Washington) and they live in Northern Kentucky. I am currently unemployed and having a hard time finding a job in this area. We have enough money to make the move and keep us covered for about 6 months. His father would like to walk away from the home he had built a few years ago and have us take over the property. Honestly, the new house would be a dramatic step up from the home we are currently in, but we would have to walk away from this one (maybe) but the mortgage isn't that much more than we are paying now. After 23 years living here and closing in on 50 years old (and a bit more health issues), I am obviously nervous.

We moved here with the stuff I could put in the truck and $3000 dollars. Obviously we would have a great deal more stuff (and 2 more cats than I had on my first move).

It would put me closer to my own family as well (400 miles vs. 2500 miles).

The downside of the situation is somewhat family related as well. His siblings include a single parent of 4 and couch surfer and a sibling with two adult children (one of whom is an actual sociopath who is in jail for the next year). His dad's wife is suffering from memory issues. So, we get the drama right in the face instead of a couple thousand miles removed.

What to do....what to do? Any helpful advice on how to make this decision?

[mnhtnbb]

1. Lots of things could be very different for you with this move.

The drama in the face instead of a couple thousand miles removed sounds like a red flag--
and possibly what could drive a wedge between you and your spouse.

The push/pull of family is a really tough situation.

Is it possible the single parent of 4 and couch surfer would want to move in with you and your spouse?
Would your spouse be able to say 'no' if the question was broached and you were already there? Do you
think your spouse would be asked to provide financial support to either of his siblings and their families
if you were closer?

Has his family been accepting of your marriage? If so, is it because you've been long distance?
Do you think their acceptance would change if you were to be in the same location?

What are the job prospects for both of you in Kentucky?

What are the chances you'd be able to sell your house in WA? If you had to walk away from your WA house,
what do you think the chances are it would hurt your credit? Is it possible that if your credit took a hit,
it would affect your ability to find a job?


Is your spouse leaning towards the move? Will it affect your relationship if you decide that the cons outweigh the pros of moving for you, and you don't want to go? Would you go anyway--and possibly resent it? Or would your spouse respect
your feelings and tell his family the move doesn't work for both of you? And, if THAT decision drives a wedge
between him and his family, will he end up resenting it and holding you responsible?

These are just a few questions that come to me from what you've written.

So, I guess my advice would be for you both to think of as many questions as possible that you'd both like to have
answered before a decision is made, and then sit down and really talk through both the questions and answers
before coming to a decision.

[Liberal Veteran]

5. All very good points. It's tough call.

For my part, the reason for distancing myself from my family has somewhat lessened. For his part, I sorta think it went the other direction.

I thank you for the questions you raised. Some I had not considered and it is obvious you put a great deal of thought in your reply. I am extremely grateful for that.

[NV Whino]

2. Make a two column list, pros and cons... See above

In addition, while his father is still competent, get a power of attorney.

Think about moving his father west to your location. Sell his house and use money for his upkeep. (Power of attorney.)

If you decide to move, set up jobs ahead of time. I don't know your area of expertise, but Kentucky is, and always has been a tough market.

In my experience, taking on, or being in proximity to, ner-do-well family members frequently results in disaster.

So, back to the pro and con list.

[Liberal Veteran]

4. Some good suggestions.

Part of the reason his father wants out is because he is remarried and his wife's health is in decline. I don't think there is much chance he would consider moving this way (pretty much none, actually).

Disaster is big concern. Suffice it to say neither of us are without "interesting" relatives, so I have some experience in dealing with it. Truth to tell, it was so cliched and stereotypical of being poor rural southerners, everyone who has managed to climb away from them did so by getting the hell out of dodge the moment we came of age. For my part, there would still be enough distance if one less mountain range between us.

I do like the pro and con list.

[dixiegrrrrl]

3. Cost of living is an important issue.

Might be much lower in Kentucky.

We moved from Cal. to Ala.for retirement, mostly out of money concerns. Much cheaper here.

But....don't know where in Kentucky you will be...city living is more expensive.

As for family....that is a biggee for southerners, very important.
Might be best if you sit down and talk about it, how he feels about his family, whether he can have and maintain good boundaries around them,
see if you both have same concerns and expectations.

OTOH....might be nice to have some family around as times get harder.

[Liberal Veteran]

6. Yeah. I grew up in rural Georgia myself. I get what you are saying.

One of the things that always annoyed me was how my own family would circle the wagons regardless of who was to blame if the other person was not kin. Honestly, some of my family would switch from "That no-good son of a bitch brother of mine, I don't want him in my house!" to "That's my brother and if you mess with him, you gotta go through me!" in less time than it takes to say "Howdy, ya'll!".

[Lars39]

7. So you would just be paying your dad's mortgage?

I think it's a lose-lose situation. Ya'll would be paying on a house in your someone else's name. If he died or was placed in a nursing home you would lose the house, and all your mislabeled equity too, cause look-back is 5 years, iirc.
Family drama may be one reason the dad is wanting away.
Might be better to help him sell up and relocate.
Best wishes, Liberal Veteran.

[GOLGO 13]

8. I don't see the upside here...

IMO the upside should outpace the downside by a bigger margin (to account for future "drama&quot .

Family "troubles" is one of the most hardest situations to extricate yourself out of. I took my family away from the troublemakers & life is wonderful now.

I've come to grips with the fact that I don't like half the people I'm supposed to love.