Parenting Advice Please: Will my 7 year old boy make it to 8?

[IdaBriggs]

So, my beloved, academically advanced / socially behind boy-child had a pregnant teacher in his school last year (who is due about now). Both of my twins (he has a sister) love babies, and we updated our answer to the famous "where do babies come from" question in what we thought was an age appropriate way:

Babies come from their mommy's bellies. (Insertion method not discussed/more details on growing there/etc.)

We also revisited their birth story in a family history way: they were born by emergency Cesarean section due to my pre-eclampsia, so when we tell the tale, my daughter came out head first, bellowing her outrage, while my son came out bottom first "showing his butt to the world!" (with some funny laughs associated with the story which I like to think is because we tell the story in a loving, amusing way as part of our family history).

So, what is the problem? Well, apparently the recent retelling combined with pregnant teacher has sparked my son's observational skills, and he is now asking Every Single Woman He Meets In Public IF SHE IS PREGNANT.

Oh, he careful examines them first, looking for that tell-tale bump, and then out of the mouth of my probably-going-to-end-up-strangled boy child comes that obnoxious question:

"ARE YOU PREGNANT?"

80 year old grandma in a walker? Check. Teenage cashier at McDonalds? Check. Middle-aged women in the grocery store check out line? Check. His favorite aunt? Check. Total stranger at the community pool? Check. Mother of his soon-to-be-ex-best-friend? Check.

We've talked about why it is rude/impolite/inappropriate. I have darn near clapped my hand over his mouth when we were at the grocery store (multiple women all glaring daggers at me for raising such a rude, impolite child!), but his ability to blurt the question out due to his overwhelming curiosity is apparently stronger than any fear of my parental wrath I have yet been able to instill.

Plus, he doesn't seem to be doing it to be mean - he genuinely seems to want to know, and just doesn't have the social whatever that tells him he is walking that fine line near doom. He isn't a STUPID child - he just taught himself division over the summer - but he is tall for his age, and that is not helping the situation, either.

Anybody have any ideas short of a shock collar around his neck? (I joke. I think. I am getting desperate!) We are invariably in public when these things happen, and rarely in a place where I can swoop him out instantaneously to punish him for an offense that honestly, I do not think he really understands he is making.

I keep reminding myself we *wanted* him to be able to talk; now I am questioning our wisdom!

"ARE YOU PREGNANT?" ARGH! Help?

[mnhtnbb]

1. I would suggest you have the discussion with him--again--

about how it is rude for him to be asking that question. He needs to understand
that no matter how curious he might be about it, that it is not an acceptable
question to ask of women. Perhaps he's been taught that asking questions
is ok? Then, there needs to be a discussion of social boundaries and that
not all questions of a personal nature are ok.

It would seem, that, if he continues the behavior, he also needs to understand
there will be consequences to making the choice to ask rude questions.

That's up to you to figure out--what's an appropriate consequence--but he needs
to learn about social boundaries and what constitutes an appropriate question.
Perhaps the carrot and the stick--metaphorically--would be helpful. If he
meets 10 women and doesn't ask the question--reward him with remembering
about boundaries. If he does ask the question, use whatever negative consequence
seems appropriate and remind him again how desirable it is to initiate positive
conversation with people--and give him examples of what that might be.

[IdaBriggs]

4. You make logical sense. Maybe if I frame it "rude" and "learn the rules" --

that might help? He keeps adding in that infamous "why?" and honestly, it is a hard question to answer.

"Because it is rude!"

"Why?"

"Because I SAID SO!!!!" <== not working as an acceptable valid answer

I have always encouraged both of them to ask questions; I did not learn some of the social conventions myself until I was in my late teens, so trying to do this "be compliant, but only when it is appropriate" is definitely a challenge.

You made a great post. I will share it with my husband tonight. Thank you!!!

[orleans]

5. you could explain why it is rude by saying

it is a personal or private type of question and when you ask something like that you are crashing into a woman's personal space and her personal life where you don't belong.

you can equate it with going up and putting your hands on strangers. i'm sure he wouldn't like it if people he didn't know walked up to him and began touching him. and just as he can't do that to others, questions like "are you pregnant" has the same type of effect.

bottom line: it's none of his business if some woman is pregnant. maybe explain there are certain types of things he doesn't have to know about other people--things that are none of his business. and a woman being pregnant is one of them. and, very importantly, you told him not to do it.

also--he's 7 years old. he's not an idiot. i'd angrily explain to him a bit more and then tell him to knock it the hell off or suffer the consequences. sometimes kids think it's funny to push our buttons--you've told him not to do it and he keeps doing it. maybe he's doing it on purpose and is amused because he keeps getting away with it--you can't stop him. maybe if you raise your voice and look mad he'll take you more seriously.

i work with a lot of kids and have had the annoying experience of 6 and 7 year olds tapping my breasts to get my attention or just because they felt like doing it. i've also experienced younger kids spanking or hitting me on my butt because they think it's cute or clever. needless to say i address the situation very seriously and explain that it is not appropriate for them to be touching grown-ups like that. and if they repeat their behavior i tell them i will be having a talk with their parents about it. very often it appears the kid knew exactly what he/she was doing, understood they shouldn't be doing it, but decided to do it anyway because they felt they could get away with it.

next time he pulls it maybe he could lose a privilege of your choosing (video game, afternoon with friend, tv show, lunch at mcdonalds, cool thing he wants for school) and when he protests just remind him of his rude behavior and inability to mind you.

[Arkansas Granny]

2. Good luck with that one, Ida. He sounds like my youngest when he was that age.

If it was on his mind, it was out of his mouth. He finally learned a little discretion, but it was a lo-o-o-ong learning experience.

[IdaBriggs]

3. Yup - and unfortunately, I am seeing some of my own behavior coming back at me from my youth!

My mother still tells a few of the more harrowing tales of my own "non-discrete" youthful days.

Karma!!!



Sigh.

I need to call my mom and apologize again!

[Skittles]

6. TELL HIM the advice that is practical for ALL

NEVER ASSUME SOMEONE IS PREGNANT UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY SEE THE BABY EMERGING

[MissB]

9. What skittles said.

But really, good luck and remember that this too shall pass.

[irisblue]

7. mnhtnbb & orleans have given good advice

and there is the chance that some woman is gonna snarl at him, and that will be traumatic for you and maybe him. He does need to be clear that other peoples' bodies are not his business (at least for now ) Is he doing this at school?

[redwitch]

8. My youngest will be 24 this week.

If we let him live in spite of the unbelievably embarrassing things he said and did at that age I think yours is safe. D Man has learned discretion as he has matured. Thank goodness!

[Barack_America]

10. Might he be dissatisfied with the information you're giving him...

...and trying to figure it out on his own, I.e. asking all-comers if they are pregnant to sort out who gets pregnant and how?

[pipi_k]

11. No advice on how to make him stop but

I just wanted to say that if he asked me that question, instead of glaring at his rudeness, I would probably just laugh myself silly and end up peeing my pants.


PS...I am 61 with a bit of "pudge"

[vanlassie]

12. It was at around this age that I taught my two the number one rule

of public behavior. NEVER. EMBARRASS. YOUR. MOTHER. AT. SCHOOL.
This rule was passed down after I went to speak to the school principal about some cockamamie activity she was encouraging, like free ice cream cones for every so many books read... and when she and I walked out of her office , my dear son was, along with several other boys, standing on top of a ten foot high brick wall running along the front of the school.

They had one other VERY SERIOUS rule. "If you are ever at a friend's house, and anybody brings out a gun, you RUN OUT OF THAT HOUSE IMMEDIATELY." "IMMEDIATELY."

I always figured those were the two most important rules, and as far as school, I never had a problem again with bad behavior. Later I extended the Don't Embarass Your Mother rule to: "In Public."

[dr.strangelove]

13. Just laugh about it

Kids will learn in due time what is appropriate and not appropriate, just like we all did. Tell him that its not nice to ask a woman if she is pregnant because it might make her feel like she is fat and no one wants to hurt someone's feelings. Otherwise, if he does it, calmly remind him again that its not nice, but don;t get upset. Its just kis being kids. If I had a nickle for every time my kids did something to mortify me, I would retire.

[Fortinbras Armstrong]

14. I am generally not in favor of armchair psychologizing

But I wonder if your son might have Asperger's Syndrome. I have it (I, too, am "academically gifted and socially awkward&quot ; and I could easily have done the same thing at his age. You might want to consider taking him to a psychologist.

[magical thyme]

15. it's time for him to learn about personal boundaries and private space

and how it is rude to cross those lines with other people. And as written above, that it can be perceived as suggesting somebody is fat, which is why you don't want to cross people's personal boundaries. You don't know "their story" and it is not your business unless *they* choose to share. Just like he might not like sharing [insert embarassing personal story] with every person he meets.

[JVS]

16. "We've talked about why it is rude/impolite/inappropriate."

Have you punished him for doing it even though he's been told that it's rude?

If not, what incentive does he have to stop this behavior?