Anyone have a hard time caring for elderly parents?

[Aerows]

Mine seem to think they can jump into the back of a pickup truck (mom did - 82) just weeks after she fell in a parking lot.

Dad (86) is waving his cane around directing me to do things, and I nearly broke my finger helping him with his latest "project"

Of course, I'm the callous, insensitive, lazy daughter that got hurt and then pointed out that they don't need to be doing that shit anymore, and asking me to assist them on a moments notice because someone could get hurt.

My blood pressure was 180/103 when I went to the doctor a few days ago to have a normal prescription filled. I weigh about 110 right now.

[NYC_SKP]

1. It's hard, you have my sympathy, Aerows.

Hang in there, and if you're taking hypertension meds, stay on them.

I went through several years with mine and then they passed last year.

It was hard work, and sad, to watch them go and challenging to find the time and strength to supervise their care, but worth it.

Take care.

[Hell Hath No Fury]

2. Caregivers forum --

Come join the party!

http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=forum&id=1274

And yes, I care for my 83 year old Mom on my own. She is going to be moving in with me after the holidays -- I am terrified. It is hard as heck. Between their obstinance and the caregivers frustration it can get pretty stressful.

[flying_wahini]

3. I feel your pain

Now caring for my 93 yo MIL - kudos to her she has remained fairly independent over the last year. (With help.)
My husbands Dad passed last summer and she has been able to live alone in a condo - did I mention that is was with our help? He was end stage Organic brain syndrome when he broke his back.
It can be stressful.

[uppityperson]

4. Did you know there was a Elder-caregivers group?

http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=forum&id=1274


It is common and very difficult, dealing with elder parents.

[Aerows]

7. I didn't, thanks for that :) n/t

[logosoco]

5. You sound more sensitive than I feel I am with my mom!

My mom will be 80 next year, she is in great health...physically! Mentally, she has always been kind of off.

Lately I have noticed that sometimes her behavior reminds me a lot of my grandsons, sort of an "I need attention" attitude. So I try to deal with her as I would a kid. This is kind of hard, because she has always been the parent, but it does make a difference. Makes me feel more patient somehow.

I hope you can find the peace that will help with your own health!

[Aerows]

6. I got a "summons" to come unload some shit

from the pickup that my MOTHER that fell about 3 months ago was standing in the back of to help unload it.

I will not live past 42 with this. My sister doesn't live here, and she is useless even if she did because she is too "into herself".

[840high]

8. Hard as it might be - learn

to say "no". Tell them you made plans.

[MADem]

9. Just breathe.

If they start berating you, tell them your feelings are hurt. Share your medical issues with them. Let them know you're stressed out.

That works to get them to back off. Might not take on the first go-round, but over time it will sink in.

Don't play the doormat, it will only lead to resentment. Be really clear about FEELINGS.

[Aerows]

13. I literally made my father break out his own blood pressure

taking device, and let him see where mine was.

So far, they have let up on me. I don't mind helping, but I can't do a bunch of manual labor. I'm just not physically capable of hauling around massive amounts of weight without killing myself. In my 20's and early 30's, I could. It's unreasonable to expect a woman of my size to lift what a man twice my size would balk at.

Now that I think about it, it is falling all on me because my mother has said "No more" to lifting heavy objects. He seems to think that if you have legs, he can "encourage you" to lift more than you are capable of. My mother put her foot down, I guess that is why he is using me.

I can't do it. I'm healthy enough, and want to stay that way, but at 110, I'm no power lifter. I can't unload 40 lbs. bags of fertilizer, mulch, and air compressors that weigh god only knows how much after working all day.

[MADem]

22. Maybe they need to hire a high school kid on an occasional basis to do that kind of stuff.

Just take care of yourself--if you don't respect yourself, you can't be of help to anyone else. Stay strong.

[Aerows]

14. I was.

thanks for this advice.

[CherokeeDem]

10. Yes....

Lost my mother after a several month battle with illness and now taking care of an eighty-eight-year-old who is going on three. All he wants to eat is sweets, won't eat anything healthy, thinks he's the only person who lost a wife, doesn't listen, won't do anything I ask him like... you need to see your doctor.... 'not going.' I could go on, but I imagine you and everyone else who has gone through this could recite what we all go through without effort.

My dad still thinks he can get on a ladder and change a light bulb or drive, or go into the grocery (that was fun the last time he tried). They don't want to give up, and I want him to do all he can but be realistic about it, hasn't happened yet.

Caring for them is an unforgiving task. I hope you have siblings or family who helps. Mine stay in touch but no one near enough for me to have even an afternoon off. It is not easy.

Good luck...

[Aerows]

19. My sister is conveniently 1500 miles away

but she is the one that gets called when I "fall down on the job" of doing everything in the world.

[CherokeeDem]

20. I know about that...

I have a cousin who my parents treated as if she were their daughter. She's only three hours away but my dad runs to the phone to call her when he's upset and constantly tells me how smart she is.

Not easy, and something that needs to be done and should be done. I will never regret it but this is not easy at all.

Good luck to you!

[orleans]

11. ... a few suggestions??

you might want to tell them/explain about your blood pressure.

you could say you don't mind helping but you don't want to risk getting hurt (regarding the project where you almost broke your finger)

if some of the stuff is too much/heavy/hard tell them you'll help them find someone they can hire to come and do some of this crap for them (don't say crap?)

tell them your tired/don't feel good and you need some time off

are they lonely? maybe they give you their honey-do lists just to have you nearby and want the company. (if that's the case, tell them you'll come over and hang out for awhile, give them some company but not the manual labor)

on edit: and try to keep a sense of humor. some of the crap my mom wanted me to do we'd talk through, sometimes i'd point out how stupid it was and then we'd laugh about it and figure out something else or another way around it. we lived together & tried to keep a sense of humor about a lot of shit. that helped.

[QED]

12. Hardest thing ever.

I relocated to be nearer my parents when their health began to decline. My siblings weren't as mobile as I was. I guess I had it easy compared to what you're going through - they were very respectful of my time. But they'd do things that were dangerous for them to do and I'd find out about it later. Of course they wouldn't listen.

One of the hardest things to do was take away the car keys - we did it after mom almost sideswiped a car parked along a shoulder of the freeway.

I could go on....

Please know that you are not alone in your experience. It's exasperating! Their decisions are often out of their stubbornness to admit that they are becoming more limited as they get older. They are adults yet act (to us anyway) like reckless teens.

Take advantage of the forums mentioned up thread. Other people might offer advice and, if nothing else, an empathetic ear.

Good luck!

[Duppers]

15. my 89 y.o., legally blind mother

Got keys to her vehicle and drove it into traffic six weeks ago - she was going to buy herself and her dog a hamburger! Luckily no one but the vehicles were hurt! My cousin, who is on the police force where she lives, ran interference for her.

She makes my BP rocket too and that's from just talking with her on the phone! I'm on hydrochlorothiazide, antidepressants, other 'meds,' and am drinking too much. To beat it all, she's an ignorant, bigoted, racist, CONTROLLING, die-in-the-woods republican whom I've clashed with ALL my life. Having to humor her these last years is driving me nuts!

So, YOU indeed have my sympathy!!

Good luck, dear. See your doc and get some help, if you can.

[juajen]

16. Does anyone have a hard time caring for young childen?

Really, it's payback time.

[pablo_marmol]

23. Thank you for the perspective, juajen.

I was a handful, and frequent heartache to my parents until I cleaned up my act at age 30. It felt like a privilege to try and return the patience they had with me.

My Dad passed in '06. I was his primary caregiver, and I'm still raking myself over the coals for things I know that I could have done better w/regard to his care. Mom passed last year -- Sis was the primary, and did one hell of a job.

[Habibi]

24. Really not comparable.

Children outgrow their dependence (most of the time). Elders just keep getting more and more dependent.

[Iggo]

17. My dad's 83.

He gets mad when I tell him he can't get on the ladder so he can get on the roof.

83.
Ladder.
Roof.

[Aerows]

18. 82 mother, hopped in the back of a pickup truck

and wonders why it scared the shit out of me.

[AwakeAtLast]

25. Hey, I have a friend

whose 94(!) -year-old father broke his neck because he fell WHILE SHOVELING SNOW.

This happened just this past year in all the horrible weather we had. Don't know how he survived it - but he did!

[mysuzuki2]

21. My son seems to be having this problem.

I don't understand why.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

26. I went through it some years ago.

I told my parents they needed to clean up their house so they wouldn't fall down so much. They were hoarders with paths through the house. They wouldn't let us throw anything away, including empty instant coffee jars, and mom would drag large bags of trash back from the curb at night. This was a week after she'd had surgery to clean out her carotid arteries. After dad died, Mom had Alzheimer's pretty badly, but refused to go in a nursing home. So I let her stay there in her house. Eventually she called me up and begged me to take her to the city to a big hospital. They wouldn't take her. She went home with me and I took care of her at my house for three months. Then she spent a week in the hospital and died. It took us six years of cleaning the house up to get to the point where we could move in and have enough room for our stuff. We threw away, gave away and sold more stuff than I can even remember. Got a guy out from an auction house who filled up a 30 foot long trailer with furniture we didn't need. It was solid mahogany but nobody would buy it. I cleaned out a shower stall that was used as a closet and found 32 good leather purses mom had bought.

She was extremely annoying to deal with. Never would shut up. We couldn't even watch TV because she was repeating the same things she'd repeated for fifty years like a tape recorder. We had to keep turning up the TV volume until she finally shut up.

I too have high blood pressure. Take care of yourself and don't give in to their demands.

[mackerel]

27. Omgeeee don't get me started! My Dad was so great and easy to care for he even died gently

but my mother is the complete opposite. If this keeps up I might go before her. LOL

[begin_within]

28. Been through it...

I took care of my Mom 24/7, for 12 years until she died about 18 months ago, at the age of 94. It was extremely stressful and exhausting. At one point my blood pressure was 175/117. Fortunately I went to a doctor and now my blood pressure is normal. All I can say is get as much help as you can.

[With whom]

29. It is a 24/7 chore and I feel for you.

There is no break, no time that you can sit down and just decompress. Sometimes it may seem that the very moment you let out a breath to relax is the time you are needed. Making matters worse is hearing the same things time and again. And the worries over so many simple things that nothing can be done about that come up all the time, every hour of every day - like worrying if the mail will be on time, starting at eight in the morning, and nine, and ten ... until it arrives at four. If these are some of the things in your life, I hear you. You'll make it through though, you're tough.