One of the biggest things I've struggled with in my life is self doubt.

[Tobin S.]

I know my biggest weakness is that I sometimes lack confidence and that knowledge actually feeds my self doubt. I have a tendency to think most people are better than me or smarter than me. I need to set it aside.

That's better than having the opposite problem, I suppose, from a social perspective. Then again, if I had the opposite problem, I probably wouldn't care. I'd think too highly of myself to consider that I might have flaws.

At the beginning of my speech class in college this semester, I was a nervous wreck. The teacher coached us to be bold with our speeches. I feel a lot better about public speaking now and I need to transfer that confidence into the rest of my awareness.

If you've never had good confidence in yourself it is very difficult to develop. Confidence is instilled in people as they are developing and growing up. To find yourself as an adult with almost no confidence, where I used to be, makes most of life's challenges seem insurmountable. It's not something that changes overnight if it changes at all...I am thankful this Thanksgiving that I have made progress in an area that I would have thought impossible earlier in my life.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours, my dear Tobin!

I hear you about self-doubt, oh boy, do I. I've been plagued by it my whole life...

My parents never thought I would amount to anything and that colored my own self-perception from birth on. It is a very damaging environment, to be sure.

I was lucky, though. I married a man who saw that I had many strengths and he encouraged me to develop them, to trust myself.

Perhaps we're stronger than we think we are. I know that your triumphs seem natural, that you're just doing what you're capable of. But of course, I'm seeing you from the outside.

I am very proud to know you, to call you friend. I think your road will be much smoother now...

[Tobin S.]

10. "I think your road will be much smoother now..."

I hope you are right. I'm due for some smooth sailing.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

2. .

Happy Thanksgiving, Tobin

[Tobin S.]

11. Happy Thanksgving to you, too.

I hope you had lots of good stuff to eat today and pleasant company to share it with.

[tridim]

3. I gained a lot of self confidence over the past few years...

By eating well and exercising, and thus looking and feeling better about everything. People notice.

Good luck!

[DFW]

4. I went through that in high school

Got over it early, but the memories of what it was like don't fade.

[Xipe Totec]

5. Are you sure? nt

[Tobin S.]

12. No, and that's the point!

[JDPriestly]

6. Happy Thanksgiving.

[Tobin S.]

9. Sorry, JD. I meant what was orginally here for someone else.

[jtuck004]

7. What a great thread. Your insight into this is quite valuable, and I hope more people read it.

The key part is that you got involved in something over your head and began to take steps to master it, regardless of your internal doubts. Dragged into it or whatever, it is most amazing to feel those changes inside, and it came from your hard work. I have seen this happen in people and animals, and that change is something to behold.

Thank you for this, and congratulations.

[Tobin S.]

13. I appreciate the kind words.

These past 2.5 years have been some of the most challenging times of my life. I used to be afraid of challenges. Now I hunt them down and tackle them.

[NBachers]

8. Tobin, I think you've touched a nerve that many people keep hidden at their core.

Parents often think it's easier to control their children if the children don't have any idea of self-worth.

Couple that with demands for higher achievement, where nothing is never good enough.

Mix in a competitive social environment throughout childhood. Kids sense weaknesses, and will exploit them for their own social position.

That's why I quit smoking pot years ago. I seem to sink into an oblivion of hopelessness and worthlessness and self-doubt. It must be a core belief that I always get snagged on. And those feelings bled back into my daily self-image.

Somehow, I find as I get older, all that is left behind. I guess, with every failure and fuck-up I've committed, I've still survived to this point.

I spent a long stretch in Federal prison. There was a Toastmaster's group there, and the people who participated found real value. Next time I go to prison, I'll join Toastmasters (no, just kidding.)

I think your speech class is a good place for you to be.

Keep on keepin' on. Step by step. I don't know any other way.

Happy Thanksgiving! Thanks for giving us this post today.

[Tobin S.]

14. Thank you.

I am a very open person. I've had a lot of struggles in life, but I'm not afraid to talk about it. I do it for self-validation, and I do it for those out there who can use some straight talk. So much of what we do in life masks how we truly feel. We are constantly keeping our guard up. It seems to be taboo to let yourself be vulnerable. Sometimes I take the mask off and let people see what is really there. I know it helps people sometimes and it certainly helps me.

[NJCher]

15. exchange

Somebody should put together a program where people who are loaded with self-confidence can hang around with people who have none. It would be quite valuable to both people. The under-confident person would see how the confident person approaches life, and the confident person would understand the person without a lot of confidence.

As a teacher, I think it's a handicap to me (in some ways) to be very confident. I could do a much better job, I think, if I really understood what it's like to lack confidence.

I've read your posts on your speaking class before, though, Tobin, and I think you're lucky to have such a good teacher. Did she ever say whether she lacked confidence at one time?


Cher

[Tobin S.]

17. I don't think she's ever struggled long term confidence issues.

But she has been a speech teacher for a while and I'm sure she's seen many students struggle with confidence. The best things she has done for me in regards to public speaking is provided a supportive atmosphere and focused on what I've done well. The thing about becoming confidant as a public speaker is just giving more speeches. It may seem to be a bit counter-intuitive, but my confidence as a public speaker has improved with each speech I've given.

[LiberalEsto]

16. I've had this problem all my life, and I'm in my 60s

but it's MUCH, much better since I worked on it a few years ago.

I got a notebook and started writing down my good points, if I could think of any.

At the time I was sunk so deeply in depression that the only thing I wrote was that some people sometimes told me they liked my smile.

So I forced myself to write more the next day, and more, and more as days went by. I kept it up for many months, and as my lists grew, my confidence in myself grew.

I learned that I could build my own confidence.

I also learned that no matter how many times other people tell you that you're fine, you're great, you're smart, etc., you are not going to believe these things deep don inside, until you succeed in convincing yourself.

[NJCher]

18. thank you for posting that

I'm going to use it with my under-confident students.

Wow! What a discovery!

I might even have them do this in class, although they won't have to share unless they want to.



Tobin, thanks for the input on your teacher. Very interesting.



Cher

[marlakay]

20. I am 58 and can relate

I have worked on my issues for many years and much better the last few years.

Part of what I did was read a book on intuitive eating and stopped all trying to diet and be thin. I am only 25 lbs overweight but I always wanted to be back to how I was most of my life until last ten years.

I am learning to accept myself as I am.

Then I have given myself, goals that I can accomplish, small goals and with each one done my confidence has gone up.

I no longer compare myself to other people thinking they are better.

During tough times in my life I read Louise Hays book on healing yourself.

[appalachiablue]

19. I can last a whole month on one good compliment, to paraphrase Mark Twain.