what's the netiquette on breaking up with someone via text msg?

[grasswire]

Mid 50s neighbor woman got a text last night from the fellow she's been seeing for about six months -- they had a very close relationship that was very hot at times, and very sweet. He told her that he had started to see another woman and it was not sexual yet. He had known the new interest for about a year as just an acquaintance. Then he said goodnight and that was it. No further communication.

Isn't that pretty rude?

What say you, kids?

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

1. It's not only rude, it's cowardly.

The guy didn't have the guts to break up with her in person. She's better off without him.

[grasswire]

2. thanks for the input

Very strange, very strange.

It just goes to show that even a kind, progressive/liberal, enlightened man can lie to a woman with impunity. He did.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

3. It has been my experience that otherwise nice people

can be totally chickenshit when it comes to breaking up. They just don't want to deal with the personal confrontation. It doesn't make them evil, but if they think it's a kinder way to end a relationship they are very wrong. All it is, is a way of protecting themselves from the guilt they'd experience if they had to do it in person and see the break-ee's reaction.

[mythology]

12. Because women never lie?

There's no need to bring his gender into it, unless you think that all men lie and all women are utterly virtuous in their relationships.

There are cowards in both genders. It happens.

[trof]

4. There must be fifty ways to leave your lover...

You Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

She said it grieves me so
To see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do
To make you smile again
I said I appreciate that
And would you please explain
About the fifty ways

[Ron Obvious]

11. Just send a text, Rex.... n/t

[OrwellwasRight]

15. Paul Simon meets the 21st Century

[surrealAmerican]

18. ... or write her a tweet, Pete.

[Ron Obvious]

19. Just send an email, Gayle

or go on Facebook, Brooke.

[trof]

41. Just unfriend the girl, Earl.

[Tom_Foolery]

33. Do Snapchat, Pat...

[trof]

5. Paul Simon

[mnhtnbb]

6. I'm reminded of a Sex in the City episode where Carrie

was given notice of a break up on a post-it note. Very funny episode.
And it made the point that men need to break up in person...especially
if they've had a relationship of some months with the woman. Anything
else is cowardly.

So, I'd say a text is cowardly.

[underahedgerow]

30. We keep expecting men to do the right thing, to break up in person, give us the reasons,

talk it through, etc. Why bother having unrealistic expectations of most of the male population? Given the historic track record, what's the point?

A text IS cowardly and merely demonstrates the character of the person, so take it at face value. It's demeaning, sure, to realize that once again, we've fallen for the wrong kind of guy, but cheezits, what's the odds of finding a decent fella in the swamp?

It's especially difficult after the age of 40, worse after 50!

[mnhtnbb]

31. I hear you.

There are decent guys out there...I suspect there are quite a few of them right here on DU. In fact,
I've often wondered why there hasn't been a Singles group here on DU so that interested parties
might do a little browsing.

Mods? Admins? Ever thought about it?

OTOH, if we women don't express expectations--or ask questions up front (find out about that last
relationship and how it ended)--then we're giving up the opportunity to protect ourselves through
the whole screening process.

And yes, no one is perfect. There are always going to be things that will bug us--eventually--about someone
else in any relationship.

[Skittles]

7. I think that is inhumane

she's better off though because as previously stated, he is a coward

[MerryBlooms]

8. Better off without him.

[underahedgerow]

27. Exactly, better to learn now that he's a genuine loser and be glad he's gone.

His actions clearly demonstrate he's just a lousy human being who was using her for sex while waiting for his alleged ideal to come along.

'Good enough for sex, not good enough to marry'.

[NV Whino]

9. I got fired once by e-mail

I was aghast at the impersonal approach, even though I knew he hated confrontation.

I see him frequently these days at the hospital where I volunteer. I always smile and chat him up. I wonder if he even remembers what he did, or cares how it affected me.

[BlueJazz]

10. They usually break up with me. "Get away from me...you sick perverted bastard"

[NewJeffCT]

13. that's horrible

the only way I'd see a "breakup" via text being okay is (maybe) after one date where it didn't go well.

[mackerel]

14. My Father used to call that the dance away lover. He prolly goes

from relationship to relationship like that and it's better for her to know now rather than later. Just keep reminding your neighbor she dodged a bullet.

[OrwellwasRight]

16. NOT OK, especially for a Gen Xer.

I have heard from younger friends that breaking over text, email, Facebook messenger, etc. is not uncommon among millennials. I don't think that makes it OK for younger people, but I do think it shows that growing up with too much interpersonal communication happening over technology instead of face to face can stunt your social skills (this is not an indictment of all millennials -- don't get it twisted). Maybe we need to go back to having etiquette courses.

[SouthernProgressive]

17. Awe. Give her a hug. Nt

[KentuckyWoman]

20. She can sure pick um.

I feel for her. Waited till I was in my 40's to get serious with my now husband. Got lucky with this one. Prior to him every time I had an idea to find companionship it was like a dumshit asshole homing beacon.

My husband got lost in the bushes I guess and wound up with me. Poor man.....

[magical thyme]

34. I feel your pain

"every time I had an idea to find companionship it was like a dumshit asshole homing beacon."

[steve2470]

21. yes pretty rude and cowardly to boot nt

[Iggo]

22. Don't.

Easy.

[fizzgig]

23. i at least had the decency to call the last person i broke up with

i'm gen x/millenial cusp. it was long distance and i could have just texted or instant messaged him, but i was at least adult to pick up the phone.

[grasswire]

24. I forgot to add...

....that he wants to "keep their strong connection and friendship."

[fizzgig]

25. i smell a fat load of crap

he is not worth another minute of her time.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

26. Fuck that.

Who wants to be friends with and strongly connected to a d-bag who hasn't got the cojones to at least break up in person?

[underahedgerow]

28. that means 'he wants to keep her on the side for occasional booty calls'.

Translated.

He is a total time waster!

[laundry_queen]

29. ew!

That is such a bullshit line. Translated: I found someone better but sometimes you entertain me and I don't want to lose that. So, please be available for that when I need it."

My now ex-husband said that to me when we split after I found out he was cheating. "Well, we'll always be very good friends. We have a good thing there, I don't think we should let this split get in the way of our friendship."

Are you FUCKIN serious?

[grasswire]

32. they really DO have a lot in common

It seemed like a perfect match.

And his best friends are old girlfriends from HS and college, which seemed to be a very good sign about how he treats women.

Then this.

[magical thyme]

35. iow, he wants to keep her dangling along

just in case newbie isn't hot enough or is so hot that he needs to "keep her in line" by making sure she knows he's got one ready and waiting to take him back.

Time to cut the cord and move on.

[grasswire]

36. oh it gets worse

he has genital herpes. He told her about it in the first moments of sex with her. Unprotected.

I know him. He is a really kind, thoughtful, generous person.

How could he be that and also a jerk? SMH.

[magical thyme]

37. kind and thoughtful people do NOT tell someone they have genital herpes during unprotected sex

I'll give you "generous," though. As in, generous to a fault.

I would amend your description to "he pretends to be a kind, thoughtful, generous person in order to fool people into trusting him, before he physically assaults them with his incurable STD.

What if instead of genital herpes, he let her know he was HIV+ during the first moments of sex. Would that person be described by anybody as "kind or thoughtful?"

At this point I have to say this woman is a fool. I would have ended the relationship the instant the words "genital herpes" escaped his sleazy lips.

If I were her, I would definitely make every attempt to notify the new potential victim of the genital herpes.

[grasswire]

40. well, you brought up something that's on my mind

I know who the other person is. She's a facebook friend of his and I know who she is. She's still living at home with her husband, altho allegedly in the process of getting divorce (so says the herpes carrier anyway).

So her husband is potentially at risk, as well.

And if the herpes carrier is lying about not yet sexual with the other woman, then potentially all of these people are exposed, having intermingled bodily fluids in one way or another at one time or another.

Now, about notifying the new potential victim. Can't see how that could be done anonymously. I'm thinking start with the husband.

But how does one go about this? A stranger approaching somehow and saying that might be thought malicious.

[magical thyme]

42. decades ago somebody I was dating divulged that he hid years of large raises from his ex in order to

avoid increases in child support payments, because he felt she would waste it. She was not very bright or ambitious. He also resented a judge deciding how much it cost to raise a child.

I told him that if he did not go to her, tell her the truth and pay what his child needed, then I would tell her myself. I really raked him over the coals.

He grew up, went to his wife, told him what he had been doing and then set up a trust of some sort for his son's education and put the money he owed into the trust, had the child support increased appropriately and had a portion of it directed into the trust.

We didn't date any more, but years down the road he thanked me for setting him straight.

I don't put up with that kind of bs. It's simply not acceptable.

[Tipperary]

43. I agree. I think this woman must have been desperate for a relationship. Years ago, a sexual

partner did that to me. She told me she had herpes after we had sex. I was furious and I told her that she should have told me. She cried and asked if it would make a difference now that I knew. I told her yes, got out of the bed, left and never responded to her phone calls after that. It still gives me the creeps to remember it. I was not infected thank goodness.

[magical thyme]

44. phew! glad you got out of that ok!

[Tipperary]

49. It was a long time ago but it was a lesson I never forgot. I was literally scared to death. I did

not even mention the worst of it but I guess the point is that this poor woman the op is writing about sure was not thinking clearly. We all just live and learn, do we not? Or at least we hope to learn lol. I have been a very slow learner.

[grasswire]

48. well, no

She was perfectly happy before he came along serendipitously. But he seemed a perfect match. Comfortable, and with a real connection on many many levels. Everybody could see it. He did tell her about the herpes just before "real" sex, but not before they had shared some bodily fluids, if you get my drift.

What happened to you is the same way he says he got herpes. His then partner said she was clean. Lied about it to him. Oops.

[Nuclear Unicorn]

38. I heard a comedian on the radio who said --

"It's probably bad that I broke-up with my last girlfriend via email but it's probably worse that I CC'ed my new girlfriend to let her know I went through with it."

[Baitball Blogger]

39. Callous and cowardly.

Best that she know that he has no character at all now, than later.

[bigwillq]

45. One should never breakup via text

It's rude and weak.
A person that does that is a coward.
It should be done face-to-face whenever possible.

[smirkymonkey]

52. I agree. It is cowardly.

One should always have enough respect for the other person to explain to them face to face why they are ending it. A text is just so cold and impersonal.

[noamnety]

46. I know I'm in the minority, but I would prefer it.

I can't think of any reason I would want to be face to face with a person as they are dumping me, can't think of anything I'd want to say, don't want to have to do some crying sappy scene in front of them, just ugh. No.

I'd rather be alone, process it, have a good cry without an audience, eat something bad to console myself, hide under the blankets. But sitting there looking pathetic and undignified in front of the person hurting me, oh god no.

I seriously can't grasp the thought process that makes people want to be dumped face to face.

[GOLGO 13]

50. Yeah, I don't get it either. I've been told off on emails & I find it convenient actually.

When I got the emails it was usually something to the affect of, "we're done you ruthless bastard don't contact me ever again!!"

OK, message received. I didn't even bother with a reply. I figure silence on my end should suffice.

Next!

[olddots]

47. what if someone is bad at phone sex ?

just get in the truck Chuck , jump on your bike Mike .

[GOLGO 13]

51. Learn to lick, Rick.

Get a clue, Sue.

Don't bite, Mike.

Don't forget the gooch, Ruth.

Don't use your teeth, Keith

There must be 50 ways to lick your lover.