I could use a hug and some sympathetic outrage.
My beloved Mom passed away Tuesday around mid-day. She was my best friend for many decades, always there with an ear and a loving heart. She was 86, and in bad health both physically and with dementia, so this was a blessing that she didn't suffer longer. But Wednesday that type of thing in life happened, where you just want to pick up the phone soooooo bad and say "Mom...." and I faced the reality of never being able to do that again.
Tell me, how would you feel, if your sister posted about your mother's death on Facebook a full half hour before she called you to tell you? My sister had only two people to call and advise: me, and one other sister. But before she bothered to call me, she posted about it on Facebook and made sure all her friends knew. We are friends on Facebook, the two of us, and I am usually on my computer a good deal of the day, and she knows that. God blessed me a bit here, though, and I happened to be busy in the kitchen for that half hour, and so the phone call was the first way I actually found out. At 1:19 I got the call from her, and a few hours later, in a later call, I asked her what Mom's official time of death is. (I keep detailed records on Ancestry). She stammered and stuttered and couldn't get any words out. I said oh well you called at 119 so I guess it was just before then, right? She stammered out "About that..." sounding not at all genuine. But there were pressing matters at hand, to get ready for a very long and sad drive, so my mind went on to other things. But it was just one of those conversations where it sticks in the back of your mind as 'gee, that's odd', and so your brain brings it up from time to time to ponder, and wonder what the hesitation was about. Today, I was checking our phone records online, to get the new number of a friend who had called, and I saw that 119 call again. It just so happened that I had my sister's Facebook page open at that same time, reading a comment someone had posted to her posting of Mom's death, and I saw the time that she had posted her comment.
I'm glad I didn't see that until just now. The funeral was Friday. She wasn't at our mother's funeral, herself, but I had to argue with her long and hard all day Tuesday to get a visitation set up for Thursday night so Dad could meet with friends and family at LEAST for two hours the night before, draw some comfort and love there, and take some time to say goodbye to his wife of 61 years. 61 years on Friday, the day of the funeral. She has Power of Attorney for my parents, and was making the arrangements. At 1:19 I got the call that Mom had passed. At 320 I got the call that the funeral was already arranged, including transporting the body two states up, and the funeral. She said the funeral would be a 15-30 minute service at the cemetery, and that was it. No nothing else at all for our mother.
I asked her why there would be no viewing, at least Thursday night. Dad had to be brought from NC to WV for the funeral, so it couldn't be before then. I was asking her on Facebook instant messenger, because both of our phone lines were busy with other calls. She kept giving answers like "We can't have the funeral Saturday because of Dad's religion (SDA)." I replied, so what does that have to do with a visitation/viewing on Thursday? She kept ignoring my question or saying other things, I kept asking. Finally my fourth sister,also part of the IM, chimed in that it was because of money. I said how much does it cost? Couldn't get an answer; had to keep battling. Finally she says 725 bucks. I said I'll pay half and borrow half from my daughter, give me a chance to call her qucik. My sister with POA says this has to be settled in 15 minutes because of the deadline to post the funeral notice in Friday's paper (note that was going to be too late for anyone to attend a funeral Friday at 10 am). My daughter agreed to loan me the money. Then my sister comes back and says no wait it is 390.75. I said fine, I'll pay. Then she backs down and says never mind I'll pay it with Mom and Dad's funds because Mom wouldn't want this fighting. For a matter of 390.75, this never was about the money.
Then, my other sister, in NC, where my parents have lived for 1.5 years, starts hemming and hawing and saying she doesnt' think she can get Dad up there until Thursday afternoon and he will be tired. I said I can help. I can come down there right now. I will drive 10 hours, spend the night at your house, and drive Dad and/or you and DAd up. If you can't leave on time, take care of what you need to and I'll get Dad here. She says Dad likes to go to bed early he can't stay up late. I said the viewing is 5-7 pm and I'll rent him a room at the motel he likes in this town he lived in for 30 years, and it is 1.2 miles away, so he can go right to bed. She says it will be too tiring for DAd to see all those people (it was less than 10). Finally the NC sister's husband got involved and said Dad would be here in time for the visitation. I had to send a zillion emails begging and pleading and saying our Dad needs this. They kept dismissing what I said, hemming, hawing, stalling, and outright saying Dad shouldn't 'have' to do this, that he was too frail, etc. Bullhockey.
I am so glad I fought for my Dad to have that visitation. As each of us arrived at the funeral home, he crooked his elbow in ours and said, EAGERLY, are you ready to see her? Then he escorted us up, and again introduced us to his bride. Dad always introduced her as his bride, even when they were in their 60s, 70s, and 80s, and she was in a wheelchair after a drunk hit her head on 5 weeks before her 60th birthday. Then DAd retold the tale of his proposal to her, and how he had to really work on her to get her to say yes (the funny part being that my two very responsible parents were wed just 6 weeks after they met). As he told that story, his face glowed with the joy of her choosing to marry him, with pride, and happiness, and still a bit of surprise, 61 years later, that she had said yes. Then he said to me softly, I am really going to miss her.
The last 25 years, I didn't have a Mom and a Dad. I had MomDad, one entity. She breathed in, he breathed out. They were never separated except a few nights when DAd went into the hospital. When Mom went in the nursing home in April, he was by her side from 730 am to dark every day, for over four months. He told my husband he wanted to make sure he was always the first person she saw when she awoke. They held hands all day long, for months, him in a chair by her side, her in bed, or he pushed her in her wheelchair. When he had to go home to sleep at night, he lay on top of the blankets, and wouldn't get underneath them, and explained that he wouldn't do so again unless she was home with him again.
And what my sisters intended to do, was just toss her into her mausoleum slot in 15 minutes, and never give Dad time to process and accept and say goodbye. Thursday evening, he went up to her and held her hand again, patted her face, her body, too many times to count. He needed that time. He needed that goodbye.
I'm so glad I fought for my Dad, and got this for him. He deserved that.
Those two people made me who I am. They taught me that above all, you love. Everyone. Even in their 70s, they would pick up migrant workers walking along the WV backroads and give them a lift...their lives were always about love for family, each other, and a deep devotion to God (not to religion, but God).
I am so very glad I was able to give them their last goodbye. My sisters are all ticked off, saying I always have to get MY way. They didn't hear one damn thing that this was for DAD DAD DAD. There is karma. They each have one child, and a spouse who is more than a decade older than are they. Someday they will likely bury their spouse. ...
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Oddly enough my own grandfather just passed away about 24 hours ago, he was 97. What you may find odder yet is that tomorrow I'm going in to make arrangements for him (because I used to be the licensed Funeral Director in the family)(so actually people call me when their cat dies too), but I won't be attending his visitation or funeral. Largely because of family politics, and party because my job is demanding 110% of me. So I have a feel for the bizarre family dynamics that come to play when a death occurs, both personally and in my experience as an undertaker. Its tough. Its sad. But it is different for everyone. And hopefully this Karma of which you speak is true.
I echo your words and sentiments and advice.
That being said .....
That sister didn't go to her Mom's funeral ?!?!?!
There is NO excuse, aside from being hospitalized or imprisoned, for that disrespect in a family. While one is free to skip the funerals of extended family members or friends (at least in public opinion), the buck has to stop at immediate family members ... and among those, most importantly YOUR PARENTS!! I'm so appalled.
Why isn't that the real outrage here? There are many reasons why someone isn't informed first. Usually it's that the first notified may not be in their right frame of mind when it comes to their immediate actions after the news because they're trying to process what has happened. So we give a little slack.
Not attending your Mom's funeral !!???!!! There are no words fit for public consumption.
and that you had to deal with conflicting family opinions at the time. I think you did the absolute right thing to give your Dad what he needed and wanted. Retelling the stories and seeing his beautiful bride a last time were important to his grief process, and you were kind and loving to give him that time.
You did right in making sure your Dad got to say good-bye to his love. Who knows what was going on in your sister's heads and hearts....try to let it go. In the end, you Mom got a proper goodbye.
Kudos for you doing the right thing so your dad had time and opportunity to say goodbye.
Dealing with family can be very frustrating when people aren't on the same page.
Here's a hug for you.
and my condolences on the loss of your mother.
I think you did right by your father.
Heaven knows what was going on in your sisters' heads, but the way they behaved stinks. You should not have had to deal with their b.s. at the same time that you were just starting to deal with the loss of your mother.
Not now, but maybe in a month or two, find out what your father's wshes are and get everything on paper so they don't have the opportunity to do this again.
Losing your mom is easily one of the most traumatic events in life. The emotions are overwhelming and you need to be very good to yourself now. You'll be okay, but I know it hurts a lot.
So sorry for the family conflicts too. As if the grieving wasn't hard enough.
