Dear friends. I need advice about a cheating BF I broke up with last night.

[bamademo]

Known this man since 98. Dated on and off since then but in last 5 years spent a lot of time together. several times a week. Found out he was cheating since I used his computer to check my email and he left his up. Yes, I snooped because I found email from a woman who he said was friend. He was going to beach with her labor day.

I thought he loved me. Gave me emerald and diamond necklace and earrings for birthday. Wanted to spend time with me all the time. We had great sex. But he had juggled both of us for at least 4 years,

Confronted him and he accused me of snooping. I said he shouldn't have left email up. Spent last night with him. Tearful breakup. He said he loved me and I was infectious (not like as in disease) when I asked him why he wanted to spend time with me all the time. Said I was best friend. Told me I wasn't calm and lacked compassion. He told me he knew I had been through major shit but so had he. He hasn't had 2 parents die, lose a job and have a house foreclosed but he had to fire people in his job. I asked if she knew about me. No and she would be very upset if she did. I told him he should tell her because she deserved to know. said I'm his best friend. He is mine also but I told him he ruined it. Told him to tell her.

I won't tell her but she deserves to know what a duplicitous man he is. How can I expose him without exposing myself? I have friends willing to do it. I'm worried about my Karma.
I told him Karma is a bitch and will catch up with him.

What to do?

,

[noamnety]

1. Just walk away.

You have your own breakup to deal with and process emotionally. You don't need more drama.

[bamademo]

3. Buy he cheated on her also

Doesn't she deserve to know?

[noamnety]

5. Just let it go.

You are not responsible for her, any more than you are responsible for every other cheated on person in the world. Being emotionally involved in the triangle means you aren't a neutral observer just looking out for her (this total stranger's) best interests, no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise.

It's impossible to detangle your own emotions from the drama you want to start with her. Just move on with your life.

[HERVEPA]

26. Perfect advice. Take it.

[WinkyDink]

44. You sure you're 100% altruistic in thinking this?

[Ptah]

2. Tell him goodbye.

[Joe Shlabotnik]

4. go slow,

both of you, maybe there is something recoverable for all the parties involved. Let emotions cool down and then talk a lot, and be sure he talks to his other. When the dust settles, it'll either be over, or new beginnings regardless.

[Laffy Kat]

6. I agree.

From what you wrote, he probably does, indeed, love you. For some people, cheating does not necessarily mean there is no love there. You may get beyond this betrayal and find yourselves stronger.

[DebJ]

30. Four years is a long time, though. If you take Laffy Kat's advice,

be prepared to be cheated on again, and again, and again.

[Lochloosa]

7. Walk away. You will feel better about in the future.

Knowing you did the right thing.

[kwassa]

8. He lied to you. He lied to you for a long time.

That is essential to who he is as a human being.

Think about that.

I would tell the other woman. She deserves to know, too. Find out if she was lied to, or was she knew, and did nothing about it.

[laundry_queen]

12. Agree with everything you've said. nt

[WinkyDink]

18. The other woman is blameless and doesn't deserve this "favor"---which is a disguised attack.

[kwassa]

22. I disagree with this.

In fact, if she doesn't alert the other woman, she is participating in the deception.

[WinkyDink]

45. Yes, let's break down another woman while we're at it! Misery loves etc.!

[NV Whino]

9. Walk away

Keep the necklace and earrings.

[blogslut]

10. Don't.

Just move on and learn from what happened to you. When it comes to the other woman, remember the Prime Directive and stay out of it. It's her life and she has the right to figure shit out for herself without external influences.

[BlueJazz]

14. I agree 100 percent. Stuff like this you don't "fix" One time...ah maybe. ?

(Not with me. I'm pretty hard core about stuff like that).
I'll bet we have seen this kind of cheating before and the chances that he'll straighten up and be faithful is about the same as a compulsive gambler with 2000 dollars in their pocket and it's opening day at Belmont Race Track.

[Chan790]

11. I'd say *he* needs to tell her.

Tell him he has to do it or you're going to call her; set a firm, clear deadline. (Personally, I'd give him a week (something like next Thursday at noon)...that gives him enough time to work up the nerve and decide how he wants to say his peace to her but not enough time to procrastinate and avoid resolution.) He owes her and you honesty at this point. He's the one lacking compassion and acting in a self-serving manner. He figures he's already lost you and if he comes clean to her, he's going to lose her too...and that is a realistic possibility.

I second Laffy Kat who said it sounds like he does love you. Some people are not really meant for monogamy¹...perhaps if you feel the same way after the hurt passes, negotiated non-monogamy might work for you²...just putting it out there. But before that can even be a possibility to discuss, he has to come clean to her about everything and he has to come clean to you if there is anything else he's hiding. These kinds of arrangements only work if everybody is incredibly open and honest about their feelings and their intentions so that realistic negotiation and boundaries can result. None of this can work without informed consent.³

Also, you're under no obligation to even be cordial to him at this point, let alone take him back. All decisions are yours to make and his input is only appropriate if you want it. He cheated...you're calling the shots. If you want to call her and tell her he's a dog, that's your prerogative. You may even find you and her have something in common beyond a shitty ex-boyfriend...wouldn't be the first time that two women wronged by the same shitheel ended up fast friends with a common enemy.
_____________________________________________________________________________

1: I am one but I am incredibly open about that with partners and I make sure that my partners know about each other if not names or personally; also that I am not anybody's "secret."

2: either open relationship of some sort or a mono/poly arrangement. (e.g. you're monogamous and he's poly but only with your knowledge and consent within negotiated boundaries)

3: And if you do decide to go that way, let me know...I can recommend some books on how to have that dialogue and negotiate pitfalls.

[WinkyDink]

19. Why does the OP "need" to determine that woman's level of knowledge or happiness?

[Chan790]

25. I don't recall saying that they needed to "determine" anything, rereading what I wrote...

I don't see where I said that either.

What I did say is that she needed to make sure he tells the other woman...and she does; the other woman does need to know that this is his character and he's prone to these actions. In addition to the philandering (which is sufficient grounds and I previously explained), there is a health concern...if he's doing this with both of them, I'd put the odds at about 50% that he's also fucking around on the side behind both of their backs in which case she has a moral and public heath obligation to make him come clean (edit: if for no other reason that to make him face the consequences of his actions before he impacts his own health and becomes the Typhoid John of the Gulf Coast); I'd also recommend getting an HIV/STD test and scheduling a checkup with the physician.

Why does that mean that the other woman needs to know? She'd feel terrible if this other woman, also in the dark about his escapades, were to be negatively impacted by his actions through no fault of her own when bama could prevented that misfortune. She can absolve herself of future feelings of guilt (Should she feel guilty? Probably not...but guilt isn't rational, only emotional.) for subsequent outcomes she could have prevented. Call it voice of experience on my part. :/

[mackerel]

13. You have to tell her, it's only fair. How would you feel if she was the one

who found out first but didn't tell you. Somebody has to tell her. He won't do it. He's a cheater and no you're not his best friend. BFF don't do that kind of shite to each other. Narcissist do though. You're gonna be in pain for quite awhile but in the end you dodge a bullet. I hope you didn't have children with him.

[WinkyDink]

20. I think it would be the opposite of "fair."

[Lars39]

15. He may have juggled more than just you two.

Might want to get checked out and give her a head's up, too.
Not your responsibility to protect him from consequences of his own actions.

[avebury]

37. She should consider getting herself tested for STDs.

She really does not know how many women he has been with while they were together.

He didn't think twice about potetnially putting both women at risk.

[bigwillq]

16. Leave him.

And worry about you.

The other woman will find out in due time. That's not your problem or concern.

Time to think anout you.

[WinkyDink]

17. What to do? ZERO. NADA. LET. IT. GO. And do NOT hurt this other woman; SHE didn't cheat on you.

[Lisa D]

27. No matter what she decides, bamademo won't be the reason the woman is hurt.

Bamodemo would simply be telling the truth. The only instigator of hurt in that situation would be the guy who has been betraying both of them.

[betsuni]

21. But I think you really like him. Maybe you can work something out.

This is the same guy you posted about last year?

[Xyzse]

23. I don't really know, as I've never been in such a situation.

Chan470's suggestions has merit in my view, though I tend to think that it might be best to just leave things alone, and take yourself out of the situation.

[CTyankee]

24. all I know is what I did faced with this situation...finally...after LOTS of misery...

I made it over. Finished. A friend of mine had said to me "how long are you going to keep this up?" It was one of the hardest thing I ever did. I spent an entire weekend immersed in grief on crying jags...

It was a real turnaround moment. I joined a group called Parents Without Partners and soon met the man I was to marry some 7 years later (when I was ready to take a chance on marriage again).

It took a long while for me to come to terms with my ex and I would see him at Thanksgiving dinners but then one miraculous day, it was finished. I was no longer angry with the guy. And with my acceptance of what it was, I noticed he had changed as he is so much older now and aware of his time left on earth. I feel free of the pain and the misery. The song "Let it Go" were never more memorable to me...

[magical thyme]

28. 4 years of cheating is 4 years of lying and dishonesty

It's over. Walk away. He may have done so unconsciously, but he didn't "accidentally" leave his email up. He wanted you to find it and he wanted to make it your fault.

Having to fire people from a job is not an excuse for cheating.

Your karma is clean. You can tell the other woman or not; that is your choice. You did not cheat; he did. Karmically, it's up to him to come clean.

If you do decide to tell the other woman (either yourself or through a mutual friend), you will not be "hurting" her. He is the one cheating; he is the one hurting her. The sooner she finds out, the sooner she can deal with it. If she wants to continue a relationship in spite of it, that's her choice. But if she considers his behavior a deal-breaker, the sooner she knows the sooner she can heal and the sooner she can move on. And for all you know, she may have known all along.

[Lisa D]

29. It's a tough decision and I'm not sure there's a right or wrong answer.

Maybe the best question to ask yourself is: If she had found out, would you want her to tell you?

I'm so sorry for your pain. Wishing you peace

[bamademo]

31. Believe it or not, he has been incredibly good to me in most ways but this.

But a friend gave me Xanax and that blocks the pain. I won't tell her. I told him she deserves to know. He won't tell her but he will be forever paranoid that I will or my friends will. But if he decides to marry her, I will tell her. I think she would deserve to know then.

I will just let time heal me and let Karma take it's course. I live in a lovely little section of Huntsville with a bunch of old Hippies like myself and we all know each other. News will reach her.
I wasn't going to put it on the street but I've decided to. My friends have rallied. She does need to know and I won't tell her at this point.

It's too soon and too raw right now.

[Lisa D]

32. I do believe you and understand how difficult this must be for you.

The most important thing right now is to take care of yourself.

You've experienced a shock/trauma and that can affect you physically as well as emotionally. Remember to eat something, stay hydrated, and try to get enough sleep. I know that's easier said than done, but the Xanax should help.

Be gentle with yourself. You will heal, but it just takes that dreaded four letter word: time.

[noamnety]

33. This post touches on the "drama" angle I was referring to.

And it hints that your motives for wanting to tell her are tangled up in revenge and resentment.

You do not need for him to feel paranoid.
You do not need to have any power over his emotions.
You do not need to follow his life through facebook or the gossip of your mutual friends.
You do not need to find out if or when he becomes engaged to her or anyone else.
You do not need to swoop in if he does become engaged so you can destroy their wedding and humiliate everyone involved - while convincing yourself it's because you are a good person doing his fiancee a favor, because you care deeply about her happiness.
You do not need to make sure he stays single for the rest of his life, because *you* have decided he is unworthy of ever getting married.

All of those things require that you stay emotionally vested in him and his future relationships and deserve some level of control over them, and none of them are healthy for YOU, if you have decided to move on with your life.

[Lyric]

34. No offense, but that's bullcrap.

Engagement/marriage is when people start thinking about having unprotected sex because (in the other woman's mind, anyway) they are "monogamous". This scumbag has already proven that he has NOT been monogamous. If there's a chance that unprotected sex or (god forbid) pregnancy might be in danger of happening soon, the other woman deserves to have all the facts before she puts her health at risk. To do otherwise makes bamademo partially responsible if the other woman gets a disease or has miscarriage because of an unknown STD.

I love my soon-to-be husband to death, but if he had been cheating on me, I'd damned sure want to know before I mistakenly decided that we were monogamous and committed and therefore condoms were no longer necessary. I really am appalled that anyone here would suggest otherwise. Emotional issues and "revenge" accusations are irrelevant. The fact is that this woman falsely believes that she is in a committed, monogamous relationship, and therefore her health is at risk--particularly if engagement or marriage might happen.

Tell her. It's the ethical, responsible thing to do. Do it anonymously if you will, or through a mutual friend, but please let this poor woman know that her health and fertility are endangered.

[noamnety]

36. Statistics do not support your premise.

"Engagement/marriage is when people start thinking about having unprotected sex."

Additionally, nobody here advised that "condoms were no longer necessary."

[cwydro]

40. Good post.

It's always better to take the high road.

[Sweet Freedom]

35. What a pig

No one deserves to be treated like this. If he wanted to be with multiple partners he should've been upfront with everybody and had open relationships. But instead he snuck around for years with God knows how many people. (Sorry, but just because you found one doesn't mean there aren't more.)

And then when he gets caught, he tries to deflect and make it a problem about you. This man is not your best friend. Best friends respect one another. He's a cheat and a coward and a liar. That will not change, so don't expect it to. You've already wasted four years of your life with him, don't waste another minute on someone you cannot trust. (If you are thinking of staying with him you should remember to give yourself the same advice you would give your best friend or your child if they were thinking about continuing a relationship with someone like him.)

As for the other woman… you don't know what type of person she is. Sometimes when people are cheated on they blame the wrong person, so she could blame you, not him. And he's not going to tell her. Why would he do that? If you force him to, he could go to her and tell her that you're a crazy ex out to get him.

Just walk away from the drama and the bullshit. Cut all ties with him, and never look back, (go to the doctor and get checked for STDs) and live a happy life. Be grateful you found out when you did, learn from your mistakes and apply that knowledge to your next relationship.

[dilby]

38. I suggest you don't bother and focus on yourself.

What would you have believed if a random woman reached out to you and said he was cheating on you with her? I have a feeling you would not believe her and he would say she was just some angry ex or whatever.

[patricia92243]

39. You only have his word for it that the other woman does not know about you. There is a good

chance this is not true. (He is a liar.) Just because you did not know about her does not mean it is the other way around. If she does know and accepts it, let her save face and you stay out of it.

Good luck. It is a lot easier to say "just walk away" than to actually do it. Calm down and decide what is best for YOU and what will make you happy. It may not be what everybody else says to do.

[cwydro]

41. It seems there was a lack of trust in your relationship with him

or you wouldn't have "snooped".

You may have suspected that he was cheating and that's why you did. It's wrong to read others' mail.

But you did do so, and now you have to face the consequences. Walk away.

Leave the other woman alone.

[Iggo]

42. It's been over for four years. You just didn't know it yet. Now you know. Walk away. Don't look back

[Glassunion]

43. I'm going to say that you should not.

There are many reasons. It will not bring you closure, and may in fact open up a whole new flood of bad emotions.

You are having issues of your own, focus on getting well and let that be your closure.