I'm not gay, but I'm in love with a man......

[fNord]

My boyfriend, is the most amazing person I've ever met. He is smart, funny, and attractive to boot! I've known him almost 20 years, and have known I've been in love with him for almost half that time. We have inspired personal jokes, we speak in dated references to each other (Shaka, when the walls fell.....) We've even have been accused of speaking in code, though we just thought we were talking.

I love this man. I'm IN LOVE with this man....

But I'm not attracted to this man. Not in a "romantic" way. Not how I WANT to be.

I've "been" with men before, and that idea doesn't disturb me in the slightest.
I do find women more attractive, but I've never felt about anyone the way I feel about him. I truly LOVE him.

He knows my conundrum, and has no animosity about it.....He loves me too....
But I know it must bother him.

Today is his 35th birthday, and I want to make him happy. I just don't know what to do. I've never been in love this hard, and I've never been this useless.

Please, any advice would be extremely helpful right now.

[bravenak]

1. Spend time with him and buy him a good book

I love books. When somebody knows me well enough to know exactly what book to get me, it lets me know they love me a whole lot. And then y'all should either go out and have fun or netflix and chill- or both! Time is the most valuable thing we have, so give him some of your precious time and he should know you love him. I'm not big into expensive gifts or jewelry or anything outrageous, so, that's the best I can do, lol!

[Behind the Aegis]

2. Bisexual is an orientation, too.

I don't want to tell you how you feel, but by what you have written, it appears to me you may be romantically attracted to him. Maybe you aren't physically attracted to him? That happens too. There are many types of attraction, and if one isn't there, it can but a kibosh on a relationship. Personally, it sounds to me you are more hesitant about the physical issue. Is it possible you are afraid you might move from "being with men" to actually being with someone you love?

If you want to make him happy, then be the friend you have been for 20 years, and leave this issue on the back-burner until you can both sit down and openly discuss it. I am talking about being his friend for his birthday. Don't let this fester or it could damage your relationship.

I have known people who were bisexual, but almost exclusively hetero/homosexual, but one person comes along, and well, a situation like you describes evolves.

Be honest with yourself first...really honest. Write yourself a note and tell yourself exactly how you feel and what concerns you. Read it aloud, then get rid of it.

I have counselled many people in regards to LGBT issues, for well almost 20 years. Despite many commonalities, we are all individuals and your situation is unique. Appreciate the uniqueness and work to a conclusion which is best for you, and, if possible, for him.

You may also want to pop over to the LGBT group for more opinions.

Best of luck! (You are NOT useless!)

[fNord]

3. I think you've hit the nail on the metaphor....

"Romantically" I'm head over heals....physically....not so much. And that's bullshit, because he's hot! I tend to be more attracted to the intelligence than physical attributes of a person, but he has both!

I've happily been with less attractive men, both physically and mentally, but can't seem to bring myself to be with him.......

We've been "dating" for about a year, but it's been a long time coming. I think all of our mutual friends had a running pool....lol. When I told my sister (a Srgt. In the US Air Force) she laughed and said " took you two long enough!"
I've even ruined several hedro relationships by constantly talking about him.

He is gay, and has been out and proud since he was in jr. high school. I'm MUCH more attracted to women than men, unfortunately, (no offense ladies,) but I'm completely in love with him.

Even though he gets me, and my struggle(he loves me!) I just want to be on his level, instead of sleeping in the bed next to his.

Why does sex have to get in the way of love

[Behind the Aegis]

4. Sometimes, the "physical" comes later.

Rather than fussing over not being physically attracted to him, concentrate on what makes you two click.

OK, I am going to be quite frank. Given what you have written, and what I take as passion behind the words, I think you may, in fact, be physically attracted to him too. The real issue, at least from your two posts, may be you are afraid a physical relationship will ruin your overall relationship. You may have put him on such a pedestal, you are afraid a physical relationship will lower your status in his eyes. I also detect some issues you may have with how you view yourself. Is it possible you are worried about your insecurities (be they physical or other) being a hindrance to a possible relationship?

If you want to be "on his level" (and I am not sure what that means exactly), then what can you do to make that happen? What are your concerns about sex with him? This is something for you to answer to yourself, I don't want you to feel I am asking for some kind of "confession" on DU. Are their sexual expectations you (or he) have (has) which may be complicating the situation?

Is it possible, you may also be afraid of what a "gay" relationship will mean for your life? It is one thing to have relationships here and there, and not be tied to them, but quite another when there is the possibility this can redefine how you see yourself, how others view you, and how the relationship will be uncharted territory.

If you are in love, and he is in love with you, there is nothing which requires who "define" yourself as anything other than "in love".

Just be honest; with him and with yourself. There is nothing which demands or requires you to leap into anything. Give yourself a chance to be happy, let him help. With honesty, true honesty, things will fall into place, one way or the other.

[fNord]

5. I don't think it's about physical insecurity....

But an insecure man might say that first......

You may actually be right.

We've gone hiking and camping nude together many times in the past. We share a room, and neither of us likes wearing clothes. It's something that we bonded over decades ago. We often lounge nude wile binging on Netflix. I'm not "physically" insecure around him, just sexually. I don't "respond" to him.And that's the part I'm struggling with. It doesn't make since.

I like men. I've been with men sexually. So why can't I be with THE man I love?


There's not a person on earth I've ever felt this strongly for, not a single ex girlfriend, not my first dog, not my sister, not my nephew, not Captin Picard, not even my ex wife (he was literally by my side, through the marriage{best man} and the divorce {hand holder})

We've seen each other naked, and I mean something way beyond "sans clothes"

We held each other in horror watching the election results. Hell, We've buried a pet together. In fact In 18 years, we've sadly done that Thrice....
So if we can share that level of intimacy, why can't I share myself with him physically?

I'm sorry, I can't afford therapy, so DU is all I got....

Thank you Behind the Aegis, you've so far been a saint.

[politicat]

7. Could it be a vulnerability conflict?

You know that you feel secure with him emotionally and intellectually. You know that you feel physically comfortable with him. But if you're also physically attracted, that means you've got the trifecta, and that makes you deeply vulnerable to being hurt.

Vulnerability doesn't have a lot to do with rationality, but given that being vulnerable is one of the harder things to admit, it might be worth digging into that emotional reaction.

Personally... when I know that I'm dealing with an obsolete defense mechanism, I purposely go out of my way to make that specific space over-vulnerable, and end up making myself uncomfortable as a means of working through it. (I'm not talking risk-taking, but being more open, less filtered than normal.)

[TexasBushwhacker]

8. Love is scary n/t

[starshine00]

9. I've known a few straight women who had this issue

They had all of the components of love with a woman but they did not enjoy the sex and felt much more comfortable with sex with a man. But on the other hand when they were with men they did not have the emotional connection that they felt with women. Alot of them just stayed single because of being stuck in that dilemna. It makes me wonder if polyamory wouldn't be the best choice for people like this, so that they could get ALL of their needs met, with consent from everyone involved of course. But I understand that many people are disappointed not to find their 'one' person that fulfills all those different desires.

[fNord]

10. Thank you.....

polyamory was and is a concept we agree upon, but I still want to be there for the love of my life. He is welcome to meet men, and I'm welcome to meet women ( or vice versa, as the moment sways us) but as the old saying goes, " you can dance with anyone in the club, so long as you know your going home with me". I just want to BE there when I "come home with him." I haven't been with anyone since our relationship began, witch sadly, includes him. He has the patience of a saint, but mine with myself are running out.

[lame54]

6. Is it Justin Trudeau?...

It's been going around

[fNord]

11. No, but.....

It has crossed both our minds......mmmm, yummy world leader

[JudyM]

12. Everything that Behind the Aegis said.

If I'm reading you right, it's all there (except arousal) but you haven't actually tried to take the leap. Sometimes it all comes mysteriously, unexpectedly together when you do, but it sounds like you haven't gone there because you're too in your head about it with all the questions. Have you tried smoking a little weed?

[taterguy]

13. Are you willing to completely expose yourself to him?

I don't mean getting nekkid, apparently you've already done that.

I mean expressing your deepest desires. Seems like that would be worth a shot, but take that with a grain of salt, since, well, you're getting it from some stranger on the Intertubes.