What's your favorite "walks into a bar" joke?

[red dog 1]

(Mine is an oldie but a goody)


A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder, and the bartender says:
"Where'd you get that?"
and the frog says: "Brooklyn..There's hundreds of 'em!"

[CrispyQ]

1. The past, the present & the future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

[red dog 1]

7. Good one!

[underpants]

82. Right off the bat

[longship]

2. A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"

[pkdu]

3. 2 Corinthians ....nt

[red dog 1]

9. 2 Corinthians walk into a bar,

and the bartender says, "Roman Catholic or King James version?"

[pkdu]

10. Not bad...but I think this one is way funnier..

[3catwoman3]

48. Oh, gawd.

He is SUCH a buffoon.

[red dog 1]

22. 2 Corinthians walk into a bar,

and the bartender asks, "Which one of you is named Paul?"

[neeksgeek]

31. Yep

[Botany]

4. A dog walks into a bar and orders a beer .....

... the bartender shoots the dog in the foot and the dog runs away but after
getting to a vet and 2 years of rehab and working out the dog then goes back
into the same bar and looks @ the bartender and says, "I'm looking for the man
who shot my paw."

[benld74]

5. Well

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.

"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"

"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"

"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have sex for FREE!"

"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"

"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"

[PJMcK]

26. Love that one! I've told it 100's of times on the golf course (n/t)

[lisa58]

6. Duck walks into a bar...

Asks the bartender, 'do you have any pickles?' The bartender says no and the duck leaves.

The next day the duck goes back into the bar, asks the bartender, 'do you have any pickles?' The bartender say, 'no, I told you yesterday that we didn't have any pickles.' The duck leaves.

The next day the duck comes back and asks the bartender, do you have any pickles?' The bartender says, 'I told you yesterday and the day before that we don't have any pickles. If you ask me again I'm going to nail your feet to the bar.' The duck leaves.

The next day the duck comes back and asks the bartender, 'do you have any nails?' The bartender says, 'no.' The duck asks, 'do you have any pickles?'

[Hassin Bin Sober]

50. Snort. Got me. Lol

[red dog 1]

8. Ego and Superego walk into a bar,

and the bartender says, "I need to see some ID"

[underpants]

83. Clever

Works only in text too. I have a story about graffiti like that.

[Ptah]

11. A skeleton walks in to a bar and asks for a beer and a mop. nt

[Rhiannon12866]

53. ...

[d_r]

12. A piece of string walks into a bar

And hops up on a bar stool and says "Hey bartender, bring me a rum and coke."

The bartender looks at him and says "we don't serve string in here, we serve hard drinks for men who want to get drunk fast, and we don't need any characters coming around to give the place atmosphere" and kicks him out.

Out on the curb, the piece of string sees a lady and asks her to pick him up and tie him into a knot. He says "make sure to leave my ends all loose and kind of stringy."

The lady does it and the string goes back in the bar and jumps up on the same bar stool and says "Hey bartender, bring me a rum and coke."

The bartender stink eye squints at him and says "aren't you the same piece of sting I just kicked out of here?"

And the string smiles and says "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

[red dog 1]

14. Corny..but good!

[unblock]

78. Rec.humor.funny!

Internet old school

[sakabatou]

13. A neutron walks into a bar

He asks, "How much for a tankard?"

The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

[red dog 1]

15. I like it!

Atomic humor!

[vlyons]

16. Two Zen Buddhists walk into a bar

and nothing happens.

Two Zen Buddhists walk into a sports bar. The first one says, "There's nothing on the TV." The second Buddhist sats, "Oh good! Let's watch that!"

[Tanuki]

17. A Zen Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says

"Make me one with everything!"

[BuddyCa]

64. have you seen this?

[red dog 1]

18. Three Zen Buddhist monks walk into a cave and start meditating silently,

a few months pass, and there's a noise outside the cave.

Six months of silence follows and the first monk says, "Did you hear that goat?"

A year of silence follows when the second monk says, "That wasn't a goat, it was a cow."

Two years later, the third monk says, "If you two are going to keep arguing, I'm leaving!"

[dragonlady]

19. Rene Descartes walks into a bar

The bartender serves him a drink. When he finishes it the bartender asks, "Do you want another?" Descartes says, "I think not" and -- poof! -- disappears.

[red dog 1]

20. Not a "walks into a bar" joke, but

A cowboy is telling his sidekick how smart his horse is.

"He knows mathematics, literature, and science; but I can't teach him philosophy."

The sidekick says, "Why not?"

The cowboy answers, "Well, you can't put Descartes before the horse."

[dragonlady]

21. Good one! n/t

[brush]

38. Another horse one. Horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "why to long face?"

Silly but funny.

[underpants]

84. Oh

Standing 8 count in that one

[First Speaker]

23. A classic: A man and a dog walk into a bar...

...and the man says, "my dog can talk. If he answers my questions, will you let me have my drink on the house?" The bartender, intrigued, nods. So the man asks the dog: "OK--what part of a plant is below ground?"
"Root!" the dog answers enthusiastically.
"All right--what's on top of a house?"
"Roof!"
"Finally--who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!"
The bartender, getting more and more disgusted, kicks the man and the dog out to the curb at this last reply--after getting the man's money for the drink. They sit there, dejected, and the dog turns to the man and says:
"Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"

[WinkyDink]

25. That's a funny variation of "Hello, My Baby"----

[Mendocino]

24. Not a bar but

An Irishman is standing in a graveyard with a bottle of booze.

He says "Ah Flynn, I know we promised each other that the when one of us died, the other would pour a bottle of fine whiskey over the grave. I was wondering though, would you mind if I filtered through me kidneys first?"

[True Dough]

27. Just a slight variation

So, a baby seal walked into a club...


OUCH!!!

I hope PETA doesn't target me now!

[PJMcK]

58. You're bad

But I love it.

[True Dough]

61. Glad to earn your

[True Dough]

28. One more

A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.

[Demoiselle]

74. You got me. Laughed out loud. Thanks!

[True Dough]

75. Always happy to provide support!

[BigBearJohn]

80. Have you heard about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who

would lay awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

[True Dough]

81. Yes, a joke expertly illustrated

by this dog here:

[Docreed2003]

29. A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says "Why the long face"???

[sdfernando]

30. 2 Nuns walk into a bar....

....the 3rd one ducked.

[rzemanfl]

33. This.

[COLGATE4]

34. A battery walks into a bar

Bartender looks up, says "OK, I'll serve you. But don't start anything."

[Laffy Kat]

35. From "Desperato":

[d_r]

36. A leprechaun walks into a bar

And he has a steering wheel right in front of his crotch. The bartender says "is that a steering wheel?" And the leprechaun answers "Aye, and it's driving me nuts!"

[Angleae]

37. This one

[lpbk2713]

39. In time for St Patrick's Day ...

A man staggers up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "Why I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '82." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '82, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

[benld74]

41. Great one! Had forgotten

[eppur_se_muova]

40. A Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar ...

[Guilded Lilly]

42. A guy walks into a bar...

With a piece of asphalt under his arm.
He walks up and lays the asphalt on the bar
The bartender asks him
"What'll you have, Mate?"

He says
"One for me and...one for the road"

[Marthe48]

43. From my little brother:

Guy walks out of the bar to a taxi, drunkenly asks, 'you got room in the back seat for a case of beer and a couple of fifths?
And the driver says, 'sure.' So the guy throws up in the back seat.

[Marthe48]

44. A termite walks into a bar

and says, "Where's the bartender?"

[Marthe48]

45. A guy walks in a bar

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey. He slams it down very quickly and orders another one. He slams that one down too and orders a third. The bartender says, "Hey Mac, you ok? Do you have a problem?" The guy slams the 3rd shot and replies, "Buddy, if you had what I have, you would be drinking quickly, too. Give me another." The bartender leans in and gives him another and asks, "Well, what do you have?"
The guy slams the 4th drink and says, "75 cents" and runs out the door.

[Marthe48]

46. Julius Caesar walks in a bar

Julius Caesar walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers, please."

[Marthe48]

47. Guy sitting in a bar

Guy sitting in a bar when a gorgeous lady walks in, trips, and her prosthetic eye pops out. The guy catches it handily and presents it to her. She offers to buy him a drink and they hit it off. She takes him to dinner and then back to her apartment. When he wakes up in the morning he asks her:"Do you treat all the men you meet like this?" She said "Absolutely not. But you caught my eye."

[Marthe48]

49. Last one

I like this one the best:

An old cowboy was sitting at the bar in Montana having a whisky. He was the personification of the word cowboy. Chaps, vest, plaid shirt, levis, boots scuffed and dirty, cowboy hat, etc. A young woman comes in and sits down beside him. She orders a drink and looks over at the old cowboy and says “you look like a cowboy.” He replies “yep, I’ve been a cowboy all my life. I ride herd on cattle, I brand cattle, I’ve worked with cattle all my life. I’m a cowboy. And you?” She replies, “I’m a lesbian, been one all my life, I think of women from morning to night, think of them naked, holding them, loving them, touching them, loving them, I’m a lesbian.” She finishes her drink and leaves. The old cowboy sits there drinking his whisky and a young man from the city walks in and sits beside him and orders a drink. He looks over at the old cowboy and says, “You look like a cowboy” The old cowboy answers back “ I always thought I was a cowboy, but now I think I might be a lesbian.”

[Hassin Bin Sober]

51. Giraffe walks in to a bar and says "the high balls are on me!!"

[True Dough]

62. Bahahaha!!!

That one left me dangling!

[Kablooie]

52. Two guys walk into a bar but the third one ducks.

[discntnt_irny_srcsm]

54. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub

They each order and begin drinking a pint. First a fly lands in the Englishman's mug. He notices the fly and, with his sensibilities offended, pushes it away and orders another.

A few minutes later the Irishman notices a fly in his beer. He's also offended and picks out fly and casts it away but continues to drink.

A bit later on the Scotsman sees a fly in his beer. He picks out the fly and, while shaking it about his mug, begins yelling, "Spit it out ya bastard."

[tecelote]

55. A man walks in to a bar... and it really hurt.

[DFW]

56. Five Republicans walk into a bar

They congregate in a corner, order a round and start giving each other high fives.

Ten more Republicans walk into the bar and join in.

Fifteen more Republicans walk in, and one of them has a small jigsaw puzzle in a box under his arm.

They all order drinks, more giving of high fives, and start chanting triumphantly "fifty-one days, FIFTY-ONE DAYS!!"

The bartender is curious, and asks them what the "fifty-one days" is all about.

One proudly explains, "Democrats love to tell people how stupid we Republicans are. Well, you see this jigsaw puzzle here? See the label? It says 'Three to Five Years.' But we solved the puzzle in.....come on, guys, all together now....FIFTY-ONE DAYS, FIFTY-ONE DAYS!"

[eppur_se_muova]

68. *snarf* Good one ! nt

[DFW]

57. A painter, a sculptor and a civil engineer walk into a bar

They sit at a table and get drunk, and not a little morose. The talk comes, somehow, to the true profession of God.

The painter says that God has to be a painter. "How do you figure?" ask the other two.

"No one but a painter could dream up the beauty of a woman's face," he explains.

"Not so," says the sculptor. "God is a sculptor" he says. "How do you figure?" ask the other two.

"No one but a sculptor could design and execute the beautiful contour of a woman's body," he says.

"You're both wrong," says the civil engineer. "God is a civil engineer. A lousy failure of a civil engineer," he continues.

The painter and the sculptor are at a loss for words. Finally, one of them asks how the civil engineer arrived at his conclusion.

"Who else would be so stupid as to put a waste water canal right through the middle of an amusement park?"

[PJMcK]

59. And all of that right next to the sewage treatment discharge (n/t)

[MyOwnPeace]

94. OK.

this guy (PJMcK) must be a city management professional!

(my B-I-L is one - told me that joke!)

[PJMcK]

95. I've been waiting patiently...

...for your discharge!!!

[A HERETIC I AM]

60. Two guys walk into a bar

The first one says "I'll have H2O"

The second guy says "I'll have H2O too"

The second guys dies

[red dog 1]

66. Hydrogen Peroxide?

[A HERETIC I AM]

67. Bingo!

[RainCaster]

63. Trump and Julianne Assange walk in to a bar

Assange: "look at those stupid British and their Brexit"
Trump: "hold my beer"
Assange: "hey, that's not beer"

[Kennah]

65. A SQL query ...

... walks into a bar and sees two tables. He walks up to them and says 'Can I join you?'

[SchrodingersCatbox]

69. A Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic Church...

The parish priest tells him he has to leave. The Higgs Boson says " But you can't have mass without me!"

[red dog 1]

70. Not bad!

Welcome to DU!

[underpants]

85. What was his name?

You can't believe Atoms, they make up everything.

[AmandaRuth]

71. a counterfeiter walks into a bar

the bartender looks at him as says, "your money's no good here"

(i tell that all the time, no one every gets it, lolololol)

[bif]

72. A Roman walks into a bar

He says, "I'll have a Martinus".
The bartender says, "You mean a Martini"?
Roman says, "If I wanted a double, i'd have asked for one".

[billh58]

73. Did you hear about

the three Irishmen who walked out of a bar?

It could happen...

[tazkcmo]

76. It's not a joking matter

and something I take seriously.
















joking!

[yallerdawg]

77. My favorite with a twist!

Two guys walk out of a bar.

They see a dog "licking himself."

One guy slyly says to the other, "Don't you wish you could do that?"

The other drunkenly replies, "I don't know. Don't you think he might bite?"

[underpants]

87. There is no dog

[yallerdawg]

88. No, silly!

They walk OUT of a bar! See the "twist"?

[underpants]

90. Oh yeah

I thought that it was the twist on the licking. There are results.

[Binkie The Clown]

79. The bartender says...

"Sorry, we don't serve time travelers here."

A time traveler walks into the bar.

[underpants]

89. That's really good.

Stealing it.

[Peachhead22]

86. This one's a bit off color but I hope it's ok

This guy walks into a bar. He orders two shots. One for me, one for my little friend. While the bartender is pouring the shots the guy pulls out a miniature piano out of his dufflebag and put it on the bar. Then this little guy, about a foot tall, in a nice tuxedo, climbs out of the bag and sits down at the piano and starts playing a tune.

The bartender does a double take and says "Wow, where did you find him?" The guy pulls out this old brass thing and says "This magic lamp". Rub it and make a wish and voila! So the bartender says "Hey let me try it!" and starts rubbing the lamp and saying "I wish I had a million bucks" and poof! The bar is filled to the rafters with ducks. The bartender yells "Bucks, bucks, I said bucks! Damn, I think this thing is broken."

So the guy says to the bartender "Of course. Did you think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?

[Vilis Veritas]

91. I'll just link to the one in 2008...

It was funny then and now.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x7788449

[apcalc]

92. A man and his dog joke.

A man has a want ad in the newsapaper " talking dog for sale $5."

Unbelieving, a curious ad responder meets the man and his dog. " He says I don't believe it that this dog talks.

So the man says to the dog " Speak"

The dog begins his tale. " I was a spy for the government. I got to sit in all kinds of rooms, and hear great international secrets, very classified discussions all over the world between heads of state. No one suspected that I, a dog, could tell what I had heard. I became the most valuable undercover agent ever known."

"Wowee"! said the guy . "That dog can really talk ! And what a career! Must be quite a famous dog."

"But, you are only selling him for $5". " Why????"

The man replied...."Ahhh , he's such a liar. He never did any of that stuff"

[red dog 1]

93. Donald Trump walks into a bar

and lowers it.

[WinkyDink]

96. Ba-dump-BUMP!

[missingthebigdog]

97. Angie and Jennifer walk into a bar

And talk about the Bechdel test.

[Grassy Knoll]

98. tRump, A Tea Bagger And A Nazi Walk In A Bar....

...Bartender Says: Get The Fuck Out Of Here.

[red dog 1]

99. That reminds me of this one...

A Canadian, a Texan and a tea bagger walk into a bar, and the bartender says,
"Nice to see you again, Senator Cruz."