A Nerd Tried Rewriting '50 Shades Of Grey' And It's Better Than The Real Thing

[WePurrsevere]

I haven't read the book or seen the movie so wouldn't know about 'better' but my SWAG is that this is a lot funnier. (I know it's from last year but I just ran across it and thought it might still be worth sharing).

http://distractify.com/humor/2016/04/25/shades-of-nerd

One of the Tweets, more at the above link...
https://mobile.twitter.com/50NerdsofGrey/status/715311539834785792
>>'I'm all yours tonight!' she cried, 'Do something to me you'd never normally dare do to a woman!'
'All right' he said, and made eye contact.<<


Eta... Okay... I give up. Would someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong? The Tweet isn't showing so it's not just going to the Tweets page and C&P of its url?

[lunatica]

1. Made eye contact!!

That's priceless!

[TexasBushwhacker]

2. It would be difficult to be worse

Horrible writing. Here are some examples.

https://www.buzzfeed.com/alanwhite/13-powerfully-erotic-lines-from-50-shades-of-grey?utm_term=.ew6RAQxGV#.pigJGqYkL

[hatrack]

3. Jesus! Makes one long for the Olympian heights of "Left Behind"

[WePurrsevere]

5. From what that one line...

I'd say Shades was more, No Behinds Left Behind.

[WePurrsevere]

4. Wow...

and that was published by a main publishing company? It sounded rather abusive and misogynistic from all that I'd heard previously so as a past victim of abuse I skipped it. Now I'm even happier that I did.

One of my 'guilty pleasures' to de-stress is reading an occasional steamy romance and I've seen self published by new writers with MUCH better sex scenes described than what I just read.

[TexasBushwhacker]

6. It was initially self published

After it sold a bunch of copies it was picked up by Vintage Books. I suppose some people think it's so bad it's good, but I think it's just bad.

Oh, here's the famous tampon scene that didn't make it into the movie.

"His breathing is ragged, matching mine.

“When did you start your period, Anastasia?” he asks out of the blue, gazing down at me.

“Err… yesterday,” I mumble in my highly aroused state.

“Good.” He releases me and turns me around.

“Hold on to the sink,” he orders and pulls my hips back again, like he did in the playroom, so I’m bending down.
He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And… a gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all… Jeez. And then he’s inside me… ah! Skin against skin… moving slowly at first… easily, testing me, pushing me… oh my. I grip on to the sink, panting, forcing myself back on him, feeling him inside me. Oh the sweet agony… his hands clasp my hips. He sets a punishing rhythm – in, out, and he reaches around and finds my clitoris, massaging me… oh jeez. I can feel myself quicken.

“That’s right, baby,” he rasps as he grinds into me, angling his hips, and it’s enough to send me flying, flying high.
Whoa… and I come, loudly, gripping for dear life onto the sink as I spiral down through my orgasm, everything spinning and clenching at once. He follows, clasping me tightly, his front on my back as he climaxes and calls my name like it’s a litany or a prayer.

“Oh, Ana!” His breathing is ragged in my ear, in perfect synergy with mine. “Oh, baby, will I ever get enough of you?” he whispers.

Will it always be like this? So overwhelming, so all-consuming, so bewildering and beguiling. I wanted to talk, but now I’m […]"

The writer's net worth is estimated to be $60 Million. Oh the humanity .....

[WePurrsevere]

7. $60m for 'that' level of writing? Hmm...

Maybe it's time get those books I have in my head down in print and self published. I don't think I could do much worse than that.

[TexasBushwhacker]

8. Deepak Chopra's first book was self published n/t

[WePurrsevere]

9. I have nothing against self publishing.

I've seen excellent work done. I hadn't heard about Deepak Chopra starting that way.

[TexasBushwhacker]

10. Oh, I don't either

The Martian was self published. And I messed up about Chopra. I must have been thinking of someone else.