District of Columbia
Related: About this forumThe New York Times is right. D.C. is a terrible place.
By Alexandra Petri
The one downside of the fact that the Nationals (hurrah for our brave boys!) are in the World Series is that now the New York Times is trying to inform its readers about this curious hamlet with few restaurants and less culture in which the team plays. I have had enough of this, I think! But in case they want to run another story, I have taken the liberty of writing one.
WASHINGTON There is more to Washington than meets the eye! You may think that all of D.C. is just a dark wood-paneled room with two steakhouses in it, but you would be wrong. Let me tell you what you have missed about this quaint backwater that someone called Hollywood for Ugly People.
People in D.C. are always walking and talking. Most of the city is the same three exterior shots over again: of the Capitol, the Capitol but in different lighting where it looks ominous, and a park that turns out upon closer inspection to be Baltimore. People in D.C. are known for their political engagement and cutthroat ambition as anyone you meet at the Cathedral Heights Metro station can attest.
Most of D.C.s residents wander around in color-coordinated shirts with the name of a middle school in Indiana on it, oohing and aahing at the cherry blossoms, before a visit to the citys most cherished cultural institution, Madame Tussauds, on their transit mode of choice, an orange trolley with a green top. I ask these locals what to go see, and they tell me Shear Madness. I, frankly, did not think much of it. So much for D.C.s claims to be a center of culture!
On these locals food recommendations, I went to Georgetown Cupcake, but it compared unfavorably to the rich range of cuisines available in real cities. I wandered the Mall for miles, and there was no food there at all. Well, there was a man selling hot dogs, but he pulled away just as I got within range. The locals said nothing to me about injera or half-smokes, and I did not think to inquire.
I did not enjoy my 73-minute wait on the Red Line. A fun-loving city would not allow this, so I concluded D.C. hates fun. Instead, they are always on Twitter. Yes, Im sure thats everyone in D.C. Everyone in D.C. is a briefcase, a rumpled button-down or an F-35. Although it may appear that the citys arenas are filled with D.C. sports fans this is a contradiction in terms D.C. has no true fans, and the ballpark is packed merely with politics columnists in seersucker suits attempting to use baseball as a metaphor.
At night, the whole city is abandoned, because how could you possibly make a home on all that marble? No one is born here, dies here or does anything that does not revolve around politics, which doesnt seem like it could be true, yet is. This citys entire history is political, and I am confused why some buildings have Duke Ellingtons name on them.
Okay, I didnt leave a three-block radius in Northwest. Okay, I didnt actually get off the Metro, I just rode the escalator up and then back down again. Okay, I didnt actually get off the Acela. Okay, I havent actually left New York City, I just watched an old episode of The West Wing.
Nobody lives here. Well, they might, but can you call living in a place that isnt New York, living?
One of the most DC things I've read in a while
mahatmakanejeeves
(57,425 posts)More than 500 readers filled in the blank to complete this sentence. Here's what they said.
SEP 12, 2019 6 AM
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Third Place
Youve thrown an electric scooter into the Tidal Basin. Thomas Philibin
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Tenth Place
You take the treadmill in front of the television playing Fox News, because its always available. Anonymous
IronLionZion
(45,433 posts)This is an expensive city. Where do people find the money to travel so much?
spooky3
(34,441 posts)spooky3
(34,441 posts)readers who don't get the satire and leave scathing, often misspelled, deplorable remarks.
Thanks for posting this.
elleng
(130,872 posts)'The capitals dining scene has gotten a bad rap as stodgy, status-driven and lacking a strong identity. These restaurants prove otherwise.
WASHINGTON In 2016, Andrew Knowlton, then the restaurant editor of Bon Appétit, proposed that the magazine name Washington its restaurant city of the year. It was a difficult argument to make, even to the magazines editor, Adam Rapoport, a Washington native.
He laughed, Mr. Knowlton recalled. Then he told me to get out of his office. He didnt believe me.'>>>
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/29/dining/best-restaurants-in-dc.html