She won't take them to Bingo, either, because, you know, so many people have gambled their homes away at Bingo and destroyed their families' lives. She won't tell them NOT to vote or not to play Bingo, she just can't drive them there (sarcasm...yes gambling can be an addiction, but Bingo?). She has driven them to other places. Her MIL lives with her also, and some days she is busy with the MIL's appointments and so isn't available for our parents. Two to three days a week she is working with the Witnesses, and so isn't available. And she has Marfin syndrome and has a lot of health issues herself, spending some days in bed.
This car thing is just one more stack on an ever deepening pile. I just needed to vent or else I'll be crying. Again.
I just wished we'd had an open family discussion and had my parents choose to move in here with me, the car and license and other things that are big issues for them now would not be issues with me. Their moving was never discussed with me or my other two sisters. The NC sister arranged everything in secret, and then bullied my parents into it. My parents actually had not decided to move yet; they were just beginning to talk about it with their aging expediting the last few years.
My sister lied to them and told them that my house was far too small, which isn't true ... (we all live in different states) furthermore, my sister has never seen my house (she lived all over the USA over the years but never close by). In fact, she never visited me once in 35 years. In 35 years, she visited one of us three other sisters once, and she rarely called any of us. (She did however, take vacations every year, going to Alaska and cruises on the North Atlantic and other places.)She got married at 21, moved out of state, and that has been pretty much the end of it, with no one in the family really
understanding why. After it was just suddenly announced that my parents were moving to NC with them, I tried to discuss it with my sister, explaining my house was an option also. She said 'it's too small'. Now, she's not even on Facebook (internet is sort of a no-no for her church also), so she has never so much as even seen a picture of my home. I tried to talk to her three times about it, and she immediately terminated each call. When I tried to talk to Mom about it, she kept saying she hadn't decided anything yet. She knew she needed help, and hated it; knew she needed to do something, but wasn't quite ready yet. Then, one day, my sister says "I'm taking them with me tomorrow", and that was about it.
My sister and her husband decided my parents were moving in with them, and told no one in the family. They did some repairs on my parents house for them for about 1500.00 and told them 'pay us back when you can'. Four months later, they said we have to have the money now, so Mom put the house on the market and then felt forced to move in with them. She's 85 and has reached the point where she can be pushed into things. Actually, she's always been sort of that way. And now
she regrets it. Deeply. She's been crying for months. I'm her best friend, so she's been crying to me. Daily. On the phone. For months.
Even when my sister is at home with my parents, she goes to her little corner of the house shuts all the doors and ignores them. Even when my sister is in the kitchen, and my mother says something directly to her, my sister won't answer her. I asked my sister about that, she says she just doesn't like to talk. She leaves the house and doesn't tell them, and might not return for 6 or more hours. We have repeatedly asked her to let Mom and Dad know when she is leaving and for about how long she will be gone. Sometimes, now, she says she is leaving, but never says any estimate of how long she will be
gone. This sister (until I pretty much stopped speaking to her) complained incessantly about how Mom repeats things and talks all the time. Well, as her other three sisters, who HAVE called our Mom and visited all the time over the years, know, Mom could talk anyone to death. So could the three of us. I'd love to have Mom here chatting my ears off for what very little time she has left. Instead,she is living with a daughter who ignored her for 35 years long-distance, and now, she does it up close and personal, right in the face even, having moved Mom too far away for any of the other three of us to visit
except maybe once or twice a year for a day or two. Mom is heart-broken and lonely. She has stopped eating so much
she looks like a skeleton. She goes out to lunch with Dad every day, but doesn't eat. She doesn't want to live confined
to a wheelchair, in an empty house, in a city where she knows no one. She says now she made a big mistake.
Just before this sister snatched our parents away, before I knew what was going on, this sister said our mother is insane and always has been, and that she felt psychologically abused by our parents as a child. She only visited them like once very 4 years or so, for two days, over the 35 years she has been gone, and she rarely returned or answered their phone calls. She said that she was glad she lived far away because as an adult, they treated her like crap when she visited. Me and my other two sisters were there all these times, and we saw nothing at all like this happening. My sister expressed very deep resentment and anger. When we asked her about that anger, she says 'oh, I'm over it now'. Then she snatches my parents away and ignores them, is rude and curt when she does speak, shows no affection. My mother is extremely sociable and just withers and dies when left alone, and what she wants most is her family. Within two weeks of my parents moving there, my sister was pressuring her three siblings to obtain a court order declaring her as guardian of them for all things, medical, financial, etc., which is unnecessary and would be crushing to them. We didn't support her on that. They need help, but not guardianship. The weird thing is that this isn't about money (except my parents are paying her 500 a month rent, but Mom offered that of her own volition I know). My parents don't have crap. They only got 84000 for their home, and then spent 35000 on the car. I think my sister has control issues. Well, we can all see now that she does. She is curt and rude and demanding to everyone.
When my sister said my mother was insane, the sister was deadly serious and yet had a bizarre smile on her face. Creepy. I asked her twice to explain that judgment; she was completely silent. But I did just read that for the JW, everyone who is not a JW will be eternally damned, unless one is insane. So, maybe that's what's behind the smile. This sister says she got over her emotions because her husband provided her the instructions of the JW: emotions are essentially tools of the devil; even marital love is quite a cool-toned concept. So my sister just 'decided' not to feel jealous and hurt anymore. Yep, she thinks so. Then this woman who was so quiet as a child explodes into rages out of nowhere, on the phone, and we saw her do it during the move...some of the most ridiculous, frightening episodes... and this is who has care of the two people who gave everything for me, who loved all of us without qualification no matter what and did their best to always help us over the years. Mom often says she doesn't know why God lets her wake up in the morning, to face another day of no one and nothing.
I'm still trying to arrange for them to come visit me this summer for an extended stay. I tried to get them to do that last fall, and actually for the year before the move; the idea was to let us all see what it would be like to be living together. But travelling is very hard for Mom with her wheelchair and other medical conditions, and Dad's back has been hurting a lot too. It's a 7 hour drive to my house one way. I told Mom we could drive for three hours, stay at a hotel room, then drive the rest the next day. I hope I can do this. My NC sister is working hard to discourage them from visiting me. She accused me of trying to get Mom to love me more than her. I said that's ridiculous; love isn't like a box of cookies one must ration; you can't earn more or less love from our parents, the only qualification was being their child. But, oh, she's over all her issues she let fester for 35 freaking years. Anyway, if Mom comes up here, she won't be living in the middle of a forest. I'll be here and in the same room and talking to her. She will be only 90 minutes away from her sister and another daughter and a grandson, and 2 hours from a granddaughter and two great grandchildren. She is so starved at this point one doctor said she only had months to live, so I hope I can bring her the happiness she craves before then. I just want her to be happy. If she were happy at my sister's, I'd be delighted. of course I had to cry about her moving too far away, but I got past that after the shock at the abruptness. I've spent every moment i could with Mom over the years, every holiday, and every other time I could. I've called her daily for the last 7 years, and often the last two, more than once a day. All the years before, I called her at least weekly. So I got my time, and I'm glad I did. My two other sisters did manage to give me a faint hope that maybe by moving in with Cheryl, things would be repaired (things Mom didn't know were damaged...helluva a way to find out, being wheelchair bound and stuck in a dependency mode on this person). That hope is dashed now. No way. Its been months and months and it is still ugly. My sister insists on leaving the phone on speaker phone when I call Mom. So now Mom tries to call when the sister is out.
Thanks DU for letting me vent instead of cry. I have cried way too much over the past 8 months since this crap
began. It's crushing to have your 85 year old Mom call you in tears and severe depression almost every day
for months. Oh well, time to go to bed.
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