‘The Onion’ Encourages Israel And Palestine Not To Give A Single, Goddamn Inch

[shira]

Having tirelessly waged this war for over six decades, will you, Palestinian forces and Israeli soldiers, simply give up? Will you crawl to the negotiating table like gutless cowards and compromise with your enemy, undermining all that your compatriots fought for over the past century? Will you spit on the graves of those countless men, women, and children who have spilled their blood and given their lives for your cause? Do you, Israelis and Palestinians, have any backbone whatsoever?

The Onion knows that compromise is for the weak. True bravery means never giving in, never backing down, and never, ever shying away from your principles. Mere words will not end this war. We call on Jews and Arabs alike to stand your ground and show you are willing to die for your cause. Only then will your enemy back down. The Onion can guarantee you that.

Many global leaders have called on Prime Minister Netanyahu and President Abbas to make concessions. The Onion insists that you ignore such pressure no matter the cost, unless of course you welcome the prospect of forsaking your own people and surrendering in shame. And with regards to this pathetic “Two-State Solution,” consider this question: Do those brutish, lowly pigs on the opposing side truly have a right to occupy your land? The answer is, and always has been, no. Why defy God’s will and allow them to take land that is not rightfully theirs? Rather than agree to this so-called compromise, you may as well just wave a white flag, give up, and let your proud people be trampled under the dirty, savage feet of your bitter rivals.

Instead, both sides must continue building arsenals of weapons and artillery, and must not under any circumstances hesitate to use them. The Onion implores you to attack their military bases, assassinate their leaders, and bomb their cities. And always remember that civilian casualties are merely collateral damage in your mission to seize land that—through the very decree of God Himself—belongs to your people and your people alone.

The Onion would now like to address the leaders of these two warring factions individually.....

http://www.theonion.com/articles/the-onion-encourages-israel-and-palestine-not-to-g,33473/?ref=auto

[Common Sense Party]

1. The same message could be delivered to our two ruling parties.

Hey, Democrats and Republicans,

The Onion knows that compromise is for the weak. True bravery means never giving in, never backing down, and never, ever shying away from your principles.

Edited to add:

That's why Washington doesn't accomplish anything.

Very good piece of satire that is all too true about the Middle East. Well done, Onion.

[oberliner]

2. Man Who Couldn’t Defeat George W. Bush Attempting To Resolve Israel-Palestine Conflict

“We are confident that (this person who managed to win just 19 states against George W. Bush, even in the midst of two highly unpopular and costly foreign wars) will be able to establish a framework to bring about lasting peace in the Middle East”

http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-who-couldnt-defeat-george-w-bush-attempting-to,33149/

Sources throughout Israel and the Palestinian territories said they were optimistic about a peace deal, saying they were eager to hear the ideas of the husband of a powerful food-processing heiress.