Crisis of self (for lack of a better term) regarding marriage

[MNBrewer]

I'm a 48 year old gay man living in Minnesota. This week is turning out to be a turning point in how I view myself.

I've always advocated for marriage equality. Even when Paul Wellstone voted for DOMA, I was protesting him at HRC events here in Minneapolis. I've always believed it was right that we should have marriage equality. I've always thought it would come about in my lifetime, but I've never taken the time to think about what it would mean to me on a personal level to actually BE married.

On Monday the Minnesota Senate is likely to approve a bill that will make marriage equality a reality in my home state, and I find myself caught in a crisis of self over it. I don't know how to be "gay-married", so to speak.

Being a married man in a same sex relationship was never role-modeled for me growing up in my teen or even my early adult years. While I've always thought I might some day marry, but now that I find myself *3 MONTHS* away from that even being a possibility, I feel myself adrift.

My boyfriend and I are both committed to marriage equality as a goal, an ideal, a political and moral imperative, but have never even talked about whether we want to get married once it becomes possible. It was just some thing that may be possible some day.

Has anyone else who lives in a marriage-equality state found themselves in a similar state of flux regarding self in a similar manner?

[teenagebambam]

1. Maybe don't think of it as "gay marriage"

but rather as "marriage", and if that's something you and your boyfriend want, go ahead. If not - well, I mean, no one says you HAVE to once it's available, any more than a straight couple HAS to get married.

I'm about your age...after 17 years together, my partner and I got married, not because we were huge activists or burning to do so, but because we were in DC right after it became legal there and thought "well, why not, we're here anyway." And then promptly went back to our home in Florida where it made little difference in our lives. We had already had joint property, finances, etc, so until such time as it's recognized Federally, it really doesn't change much, except for being able to say we've done it. We don't even celebrate the date of our wedding as our anniversary, we still celebrate our "original" anniversary.

You may be in a different stage in your relationship where getting married would be a much more significant step, however...I wish I had more practical advice to offer!

[William769]

3. If they pass marriage equality where you are doesn't mean you have to get married.

What it does mean is it's your choice now. It makes you equal, it makes us all equal in this aspect. No one in Government (at any level) has the right to tell me that I am less than equal than my neighbor.

It's about giving us the choice to choose our path.

The marriage ship has set sail for me and I missed that boat (my life partner is gone and I don't see anyone taking his place) but if one day that ship comes back to my shores and I decide to get married it will be my choice and no one telling me that I can't.

I hope this makes sense.

[MNBrewer]

4. I understand all that.

But now I'm faced with MAKING the choice and find myself unprepared.

[William769]

5. I'm sure you will make the right decision.

Forgive the cliche but follow your heart and you'll be fine.

[dbackjon]

6. It is a big decision - one that we DIDN'T have to consider in the past

The important thing is now you have the Choice!

I am thinking of asking my partner to get legally married in Maryland or DC when we are in the area for the Gay Softball World Series this summer. It is a huge step. It makes it "offiical"

Part of the hold back is fear of failure, I guess. If we are not married, we just go our separate ways if something happens. No announcement, no legalities, just a facebook status update.

If we are married, and then separate, it would feel different, IMHO.

[MNBrewer]

7. Until it became legal in my home state I didn't even consider marrying elsewhere

As it would have no legal status where I actually live. Now, as of Aug. 1, I'll be able to YAY.

Very happy it passed, and have only cried 3 times so far. *tears of joy and relief*

[Zorra]

8. Yeah, now we can be married and miserable like straight folks!

[Fearless]

9. Straight marraige is legal everywhere too

But it doesn't mean that all straight couples up and get married. Take your time, feel out the issue, and don't think just because it's legal now do you have to jump into it. You both should talk about what makes you happy and perhaps somewhere down the line, if it makes you both happy, partake in marriage.

I live in Massachusetts myself and we're coming up on ten years with marriage equality. Not every gay couple in the state is married. It's just another step that many couples decide to take when the time is right.

In a place where marriage isn't a societal gay norm, discussions haven't been had regarding marriage and the social expectation of a relationship eventually leading to marriage also doesn't exist. Therefore, you should take time to have those discussions and see where it leads you. IMHO of course.

[NCLefty]

10. First thing's first: You don't need ANYONE's piece of paper to define your relationship.

If you want to make a formal declaration of your love/relationship (or yes, get the benefits), then get married. Whatever you do, don't torture yourself over it

[MNBrewer]

11. Oh, i'm not tortured over it.

It was just a new phase that opened up in how I could see myself and my relationship. One I wasn't prepared for at the time the opportunity became something that was available, but that I'm adjusting to now.