Advice please.

[sellitman]

Last night my 18 year old son woke my wife up in full drag and confessed to being transgendered. He hasnt been a happy person for some time and she was thinking he might be Gay but neither of us had any idea of his real identity.

I awoke him early this morning, gave him a hug and let him know in no uncertain terms we love him and were proud of his bravery. We hugged and ran through our emotions and he went back up to sleep as he didn't do much last night.

I spent my morning reading up on line on a subject I knew very little about and purchased a e-book for parents. I'm still a little stunned and would appreciate any advice that may help us through this. Of utmost importance is his happiness but if there is anything we can do as parents to support him and quite frankly help us navigate through this would be appreciated.

[William769]

1. Keep doing what your doing.

Be supportive and keep learning. You might also want to see if there is any groups in your area for support.

[Ian David]

2. I would go join PFLAG or speak to someone from a Transgendered advocacy and support group. n/t

[sellitman]

3. Thanks for your replies

We will overcome!

[Maven]

4. I am neither a parent nor am I transgender

However, it sounds to me like you're handling this in an A+ fashion. I agree with my fellow LGBTer upthread to keep being supportive and educating yourself as a parent. I also agree that speaking to other trans people would be very helpful, not only for you but also for your child.

One thing I might add from experience as a gay person with straight parents, that I would think also applies to a young trans person with cis parents: language is important, and where/with whom you use it is also important. I can't tell you what a big step it was for my mother, sister and the rest of my family to start using the word "boyfriend" with respect to me, not only in my presence but to their friends, other family members, etc., or how much it meant to me for my mom to say "one day when you get married..." instead of some trite 90s separate-but-equal phrase like "find a partner." Similarly (and it may take time) it seems to me that language and how and with whom you use it is important here. Pronoun gender will begin to matter. Similarly, I would shy away from using words like "drag" to describe wearing feminine clothing. Drag is a costume a man wears to impersonate a woman, not the clothing a trans woman wears to fit her identity. Etc. etc.

[sellitman]

9. Thank you

I'm sure my vocabulary will improve. I appreciate the correction. Its not even 24 hours later and there is so much to digest. It sort of has taken my breath away

[Zenlitened]

18. Excellent, excellent post!

[Fearless]

5. Keep an open mind...

Undoubtedly your child is going through a lot of things right now. Coming to terms with who you are can be a very freeing beautiful feeling, if you have the support of the people you love. So, keep up what you're doing for sure! And also ask your child what you can do to help them. They would probably have a better idea than any of us about how you can best help them.

Then there is the personal side, as in for you and your wife. You two should do as much as you can to educate yourselves. Scour the internet, look for books, perhaps support groups either online or in the area would also be of benefit. Talk to parents of other transgendered people and ask them any questions you may have or tell them about any fears you have going forward.

But most of all, keep an open mind and it looks like you're doing a great job so far!

[joeybee12]

6. Sounds like you're handling it well...

Without knowing where you live...could it be NY from the Mets logo...there must be support groups out there for you and for your son...go online and type in your city and transgender...you've already been doing great with the support...keep up the good work!

[EFerrari]

7. Wow. That would be stunning.

Could I ask, how old your son is?

[sellitman]

10. He is 18 and in his Freshman year in a nearby College.

He lives on campus and has had a tough first semester. We know know why.
So many things to deal with including our own ignorance.

[EFerrari]

13. I know you will be fine.

One thing to consider, that first year is really difficult for most kids, no matter what they bring to it. What I took away from two sons and from teaching mostly people in their first year is that it is about surviving it, supporting them and helping them find whatever it is that they need to get through it. The college part usually gets easier from here.

[Behind the Aegis]

8. I think you are going about this in the correct way.

If you all are ready, you may want to sit and let him tell you what has been happening. It is in that story, you may find which direction to go. Reminding him you love him is a fantastic thing, as so many of us didn't get that reaction, and many still do not.

We have "spoken" before on a different topic. If you ever want to bounce things off me, please feel free to PM me.

[sellitman]

11. I appreciate the response before and now.

I never got my parenting instruction manual but it never gets easier.

[Behind the Aegis]

12. You know it!

I am not a parent. But, I can still help out in a practical sense. I think you are doing great, especially in a situation where most people would have freaked the fuck out, or worse, had the situation escalte to violence.

[sellitman]

15. As hard as this is we have braved much more

As you remember. I hope my wife learns to accept him as he is. She is still in denial.

Much to do.

[Zenlitened]

19. I think that's great advice, to talk, listen and learn.

[DURHAM D]

14. You are on the right track.

Your child is lucky to have you as a parent.

Last night I had dinner with a good friend. She is beautiful inside and out. She used to work for me. On her job application just six years ago her first name was Scott. Soon after she started to work she came in one day and said she was changing to Jessica. It was not a difficult adjustment at work, we all just had to be careful with our pronouns until it became natural. She worked for me for another year or so and has gone on to start her own business. She is happy with her life choices. Jessica is one of six children. Her mother told me that she is her happiest, healthiest and most successful child. Jessica laughs at that and says she doesn't have any real competition from her siblings.

Perhaps because Jessica has a new partner and is very much in love part of our conversation last night was about the journey of changing the outside to match up with the inside. That is the whole thing - matching up the outside to the inside.

[sgsmith]

16. Some thoughts

(I'll use current gender pronouns regardless of how your kid presents.)

As mentioned elsewhere, I'd check into PFLAG and their transgender resources. Since you've mentioned that he attends college, there may be some resources available on campus. But, being transgendered isn't the same thing as being gay or lesbian, and the GLBT umbrella often short changes the T folks.

I would work on finding a therapist who works with Gender Identity Disorder clients. (And I use the work "client" specifically. You are buying a service from them and should expect to receive quality service.)

Another resource is WPATH.ORG. If your son does decide to transition, there are standards of care that therapists and doctors are supposed to follow. WPATH recently upgraded the SOC to reflect current medical treatments.

Coming out at this young age can be a blessing. From a purely physical standpoint, it's easier to change the body through hormone replacement therapy sooner rather than later. Also, if he does decide to transition, changing paperwork is easier the younger that you are. I also think that it would be easier (notice I didn't say Easy) in a college type environment.

I'd be happy to talk with you off line if you want.

[Zenlitened]

20. Another terrific post, start to finish.

Wish I could rec it along with the OP and all the other awesome responses in this thread.

[Evasporque]

28. very good post....

wpath.org lays out essentially the nuts and bolts of transition....

[Zenlitened]

17. I think you've given your child something wonderful already...

... your unconditional love.

That is so powerfully, crucially important I can't even begin to describe.

If you can all hold onto that, I think you'll all arrive at someplace amazing no matter what the journey ahead holds.



P.S. Definitely agree that http://www.PFLAG.org is a great source of info and insight.

You might also consider posting a version of your OP at 'A Note To My Kid,' http://www.anotetomykid.com , a great site all about unconditional love.

[ZombieHorde]

21. When my buddy came out as a transgender male,

I practiced in my head using masculine pronouns toward him. I still said "she" and "her" a few times the first few months out of habit, but he was really cool about it. Using masculine pronouns for him is now very natural for me.

I think the love you are showing is great, and your daughter is very lucky to have you.

[irisblue]

22. local community center

do you have a LGBT community center near by, does his college have a gay student association or a mental health center. he is very blessed to have loving parents, and he has blessed you with love and trust.

[yardwork]

23. In the end, it is your love and respect for your child that is what is important.

You are demonstrating that love and respect by accepting her for who she is. As others here have said, being transgender is different from being gay, and even within the gay community there is a lot of misunderstanding. Follow your child's lead. Research and educating yourself is important, but the most important thing is to continue to communicate and continue to give her your support and unconditional love.

[BigDemVoter]

24. Keep it up; you're doing great!

[Jamastiene]

25. Believe it or not, your support and love

is the utmost, best thing you can do first. I applaud you for your positive and loving reaction. So many transgendered people do not get that support from parents.

[sellitman]

26. I haven't replied to every post here but know this ...

I appreciate all the kind words and advice during this very difficult time. I will stop back in this forum and give you all updates. Having an understanding community like we have here helps me more than I can express.

[Evasporque]

27. Help her find a therapist that works with transgender on transition issues...

Also encourage her to find local gender group, usually at community LGBT center...

don't go overboard...but don't ignore her either.

Let her discover herself...love her.

Let her express gender identity freely at home....

use "her" and "she" if she is comfortable with that.

PM me if you have more sensitive questions...I am trans M2F and can offer answers based on my own experience...

There are many facets to "transgender" and allowing the individual to find their way with support and love is very important.

[sgsmith]

29. Cute cartoon that explains a few terms

[img][/img]

[HillWilliam]

30. Hang on to each other

with all you've got. All three of you are going to need a friend to talk to at different times through the process. Keep being a friend like you are to your daughter and wife; eventually the surprise will wear off and you'll discover you've always loved each other dearly. It's going to be difficult to keep your minds fully open (there's so much to absorb at a time!); what you can't accept up-front, resolve to work on and work on it. I think that's as much as a human can do when starting out on such a journey.

Oh, yeah, one last but most important thing: Say "I love you" to each other often, whenever you have the chance. All three of you will need to hear it.

Remember, too, you have friends here who will help with the best we understand and the best we have to offer.

I wish I were there to give you all a hug. You sound like an amazing family. I'll offer this If we ever meet in real life, each of you has an IOU from Rob and me to cash in.