What if They Had a Gender War and No One Came

[seabeyond]

I worked in advertising for a long time. Yes, it was male-dominated, and yes, there were cries of sexism all over the place. At one point I quit one job and my boss came in while I was starting to pack my office said, “What can we do to make you stay?” and I replied, “I’m leaving because I got offered a job as Creative Director. Name another female Creative Director in New England. If you can name one, I’ll stay.” I kept packing.

That was the job where, when I was working, I used to leave the office at 5:00 pm, rush home, pick up my kids, make supper, put them to bed … and then, when they were sound asleep, rush back to the office and work from 10 pm ‘til 2 in the morning. Days long before cell phones, or email as a way of working, or cloud computing—all of which makes my blurry professional and personal life totally joyous. When I left that job to take the job as a creative director, I had just gotten pregnant with my fourth child. Ten months later, I was flying to Los Angeles to do a three-week television shoot for Fidelity Investments. Two-month-old Shannon came with me. For every job after that—five full time ones and countless freelance jobs—I made as much or more than any man, anywhere I went in advertising. As Aaron Gouveia said in the comment on Hugo’s post, I learned to negotiate. I had taken the Creative Director position just so I would have bargaining power to do so.

*

But now, you know what I see? I see men who want that. They want what I’m having—that exact same thing. They want a way to be a part of their children’s lives in a way that is fundamentally different than the way previous generations had been involved. And they don’t want to do it at the expense of a great career that gives them a sense of value. They want to be good at both.

The men I know are the ones I bump into at the PTA meetings, who are coaching our kids in ice hockey, who I run into at Staples as we buy school supplies. They are the same men I later discuss a new entreprenurial business venture with, or who need help making a movie or running a non-profit. The men I know have the exact same amount of marital problems as the women I know. The men I know think this economy is tough and are working as hard as they can to make things work any way they can. I know men who refuse to go on television shoots because they would miss their child’s birthday, and men who break a phone call with me because their daughter is sick at school. Or the men I know are married and gay and have kids anyway. Or not married and gay and have kids anyway. Some of the men I know were women in a former lifetime. The men I know want to get promoted to creative director because they did something extraordinarily creative. The men I know aren’t the ones out there promoting sexism, not in any way shape or form that I can see it. The men I know get that oh, these times are hard, and guess what—we’re all in this together.

http://goodmenproject.com/newsroom/what-if-they-had-a-gender-war-and-no-one-came/

[Whisp]

1. thanks so much for posting this

:hugs:

I have other comments about those other men and how they would view these guys but I don't want to darken your wonderful OP.

[seabeyond]

2. thank you. i get it. because along with the problems,

there are a lot of men saying wtf???

hubby being one. i cannot, should never, forget that.

i had something happen last night with hubby and the internet and my perception of it that made me think.... all of the world is not bourbin street. a small group may go down that street, but many many more are enjoying all the nifty of new orleans, like royale street, without participating in the trash. we make the choice. he does. i was asking him, doesnt it get you down, all the ugly? (he has bought me a fire and iphone and it takes me further in. he was showing me where he goes and what is on his phone and why it doesnt bring him down).

he was the one that shared the new orleans analogy, and i really enjoyed it.

[redqueen]

3. Any man who knows better and bites his tongue

while the ones who fight so hard to maintain the status quo run rampant does not have my respect.

MRA types blame women for all of this (being looked down on for being a stay at home dad, for not being a macho idiot, etc), despite the fact that it is the PATRIARCHY that is doing it. Yes, women participate in upholding the patriarchy, but it's still the fucking patriarchy.

[Gormy Cuss]

4. This line stopped me: "The men I know aren't promoting sexism."

That's good, but are they promoting gender equality or just avoiding the fray?

I've unnerved more than a few friends (men and women) by pointing out that unless you believe that men who earn less than their female partners aren't failures or mooches, that men aren't "helping out" their female partners by doing the laundry or taking care of the kids, you don't get it.

[redqueen]

5. Most avoid the fray.

This is a progressive board and look how silent most people are about this stuff, both men and women.

That site is rampant with 'let's coddle the men' behavior. Cause you know, if you confront the patriarchy too directly, their poor widduw fee fees get hurt.

[iverglas]

6. I'd call it

What if they had a gender war and all the men got together and decided not to come?

Without men claiming and exercising privilege, there'd be only one side in the battle.

And yes, as Gormy Cuss said, being a conscientious objector isn't necessarily the same as being an anti-war activist.

[libodem]

7. I was impressed with the site you linked to

There were other things to read that were worth the time as well. I wish I were more adept at linking up to stories.

Thanks for the link, Seabeyond.

[redqueen]

8. It is a good site.

However they let MRAs run rampant in the comments. Or at least they used to. When I stopped going there regularly there was some discussion of some type of moderation.

[lumberjack_jeff]

9. I'd like to cross-post this link to the mens group if you don't mind.

This is a good blog.

[seabeyond]

10. hey... good seeing you. and go for it. nt