My husband is undergoing radiation treatment..

[oftheforest]

for throat cancer. He has become so very angry. The pain, inability to eat, fatigue, etc. I'm at my wits end in keeping things manageable for him. I cannot even fathom what he is going through. My question is...would it be beneficial for him to seek a support group?...somewhere he can meet others who are experiencing the same challenges? Have any of you taken advantage of extra help or counseling? My brave facade is starting to crumble under the verbal attacks. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you.

[jaysunb]

1. Fatigue is a real problem.

Not being rested contributes greatly to the dis comfort and healing.

Good luck to your hubby.

[oftheforest]

2. thank you!

I just wish the fatigue was the worst of it. It's his anger that is getting so bad.

[dangin]

3. Yes

A support group will be good for both of you. Also, there are myriad resources online. If you are not being treated at an academic medical center, or NCI designated cancer center, find out how far away the closest one is. They will also have a lot if resources. And increase his pain meds.

[sinkingfeeling]

4. Yes, he should locate a SPOHNC chapter and talk with others that have been

through all of it before. I attended my first SPOHNC meeting a month before I began radiation treatments solely because I had been so upset with what the doctors told me would happen to me. The people there explained my options and then saw me through the whole 33 treatments. We have been there and know the secrets to getting pass issues. If there's no local chapter, you can get help via their National Survivor Volunteer Network.


http://www.spohnc.org/

SPOHNC = Support for People with Oral, Head, and Neck Cancers

[oftheforest]

6. Thanks for the link.

I've bookmarked it so I can check it out more thoroughly.

[Nay]

5. It is common for very ill men to take things out on their spouses. My husband did

this, and it is very disturbing and heartbreaking all by itself, never mind the work that you, the caregiver, are doing while getting verbally attacked for all sorts of completely nonsensical reasons. Medical personnel are very aware of this common problem, so don't think you will be unusual in seeking help.

Does he have a medical practitioner who is shepherding him and you in the whole treatment process? In complicated illnesses, many hospitals will have such a person to refer you to the correct person to help with certain issues. If you don't have such a person, tell your husband's oncologist exactly what's going on. He'll be able to help. Men are famous for not wanting to go to groups, but if the oncologist signs him up he may go. You can go by yourself, if you want. You'll find your complaint is common. You may also be eligible for some home help; is so, take advantage of it to just get out of the house for a while.

Please PM me if you need to talk more.

[oftheforest]

7. He's not opposed to seeking help

which is good, but I'm sure he thinks the problem, right now, is with me. He does have a team of doctors, a nutritionist, speech pathologist, social worker and nurses working with him, so if he needed anything additional I'm sure they'd get it for him quickly. I started the conversation with him tonight regarding getting some emotional support and meeting with other patients. He seemed to like the idea. I so appreciate your ideas and support.

[Silver Gaia]

8. My husband will be undergoing the same thing within a week or two. He also has throat cancer.

So, thank you for your post. I wish I could help, but I can definitely sympathize. My husband isn't angry--not yet anyway--but he is very depressed. Just everything that's going on prior to the actual treatments has made him miserable. First, they did surgery to remove both tonsils, which has been incredibly painful. Then, they pulled all his remaining teeth, so he has that pain on top of the pain from the tonsillectomy. All of this has happened within the past 2 weeks. He's lost 10 lbs just due to being unable to eat properly. Tomorrow, they are doing more surgery to implant a feeding tube in his stomach, and he won't be able to eat for 36 hours after that. They said today that they may keep him overnight at the hospital after this procedure, and I hope they do so they can get some nutrients in him intravenously. About all he can handle is liquids right now, mostly Ensure. So, right now, he is miserable and depressed, but I thank you for the head's up about anger. What they (and we, as spouses) are going through is similar to the seven stages of grief, I think, so it makes sense that anger would be a stage in the process of dealing with all of this. Maybe it would help some to look at it like that--as a stage that will pass. I know that is little comfort when you are being verbally assaulted on a daily basis, but maybe it's a thread to hang onto, if nothing else. I hope you are able to find a good support group or counselor. The emotional aspects of dealing with this are brutal.

[oftheforest]

9. I got some good tips when I posted.

Sounds like your husband has everything happening at once! My husband had his molars pulled, but no tonsillectomy. And just got his feeding tube last week, 3 weeks before the end of his radiation. Most of his problems came with the PIC lines and port-a-caths used to administer his treatment. There are so many side problems that come before cancer treatment actually starts. You're more than welcome to PM me if you want to discuss this further. My best to your husband and you.

[2theleft]

10. No ideas, just an offer of support.

My dad had lung cancer. He battled it for over 10 years. The first few years he was kind of ok in terms of mood and such, but the longer it dragged on, and the more and more and more treatments he faced the worse it got. He, too, was very angry. Angry at the cancer, angry at the treatments, just angry. Of course they don't let their anger out at work, at the doctors, or elsewhere, so it just bubbles out at home.

It's very hard to deal with - this person who prior to this was wonderful, loving, compassionate. I just kept telling myself and my mother that it was the disease talking, and not him. For me, after I got over the initial "oh my god, why is he acting like that??" feelings, I decided that he trusted us enough to let the anger out with us. That outlook didn't necessarily help all of the time, but it did help me keep things in perspective.

Just know that your husband doesn't mean it. He is feeling helpless, weak, and scared. Men usually don't know how to deal with that well, especially men over 50 who grew up a certain way (real men don't cry, don't you know...).

Please feel free to PM me if you want to chat. I can't do much but listen and let you vent and get YOUR anger and hurt feelings out, but if you think it will help, I'm here.

Hugs to you and your husband. Thinking good thoughts for both of you.

[slipslidingaway]

11. In addition to seeking a support group ...

drugs do help temporarily. When my husband realized he had to be isolated for a month in a hospital room, this was not an unknown beforehand it just became more apparent after admission, I mentioned it to the doctor. Her reply was that they had a variety of drugs to help him through this period and that he should use whatever he needed to get past this difficult time. So IV Ativan each night helped. If you read the literature there are warnings about addiction, but in the big picture one has to move past a difficult period and worry about any addictions later. Use what is needed now to move forward ... in retrospect I think it was very good advice.

Be well and let someone else shoulder a little bit of the anger ... even just for a few hours.

I think I would be a terrible patient, much worse so than my husband. You just need some small breaks to take a breath ... we all do.

The drugs do help in getting past the rough patches.

[oftheforest]

12. Thank you for your input!

My husband has one week left of the radiation, and then the road to recovery begins. He is less angry since he started to see how it was affecting me. He has been taking ativan from the beginning (since I asked the nurses and doctors about his anxiety). He now seems to have the right dosage of pain meds to finish his treatment. The mouthwashes he has gotten have been so beneficial to all the horrible pain he has had to endure from the radiation, tooth extractions and bone slivers (from the extractions). He will continue to use those as he begins to heal, and to help him retain his swallowing abilities. I hope your husband is doing well. Thank you for sharing.

[slipslidingaway]

13. Happy to hear things are looking up ...

and many times it just takes an initial inquiry to set things on the proper course ... such as the daily Ativan. The "magic mouthwash" and morphine pump, help them, and us get through some through the rough patches. Glad to hear both of you are doing better!

All is well here, some challenges along the way, but all in all nothing serious. Thanks for asking and one step at a time.

Best wishes in the weeks/months/years ahead