this is kind of a stupid question..

[JHan]

How much time passed before you felt "your old self" again?

I think this maybe a stupid question because no one ever really feels the same after battling cancer but I'm frustrated.

I had my last chemo treatment over 6 months ago and I still feel like a fish out of water. I should be grateful I survived, but I'm battling insomnia, lethargy, and finding it difficult to concentrate.

Sometimes it feels like an onset of depression which makes me feel guilty - I should be happy I survived shouldn't I?

[Solly Mack]

1. Everyone is different but it took me a couple of years to feel somewhat normal again.

I still don't feel like the old me though. Probably never will.

[JHan]

2. Yep,

It's a life changer ( here's me stating the obvious). I still find it difficult talking about the whole thing. Only words I have is "cancer is fucking stupid". But I really didn't expect to feel stress after chemo, if anything I expected to mainly feel relieved.

[Solly Mack]

5. Cancer treatment became the sun my house revolved around. After treatment, we had to adapt again.

For a while after treatment ended, I felt like I wasn't doing something I needed to be doing. I had to learn how to relax again. Something you never really do after having cancer. For me anyway. I am more suspicious of every little change with my body.

It's been 3 years and I still feel the stress of cancer. Not as great as it was, but it's different now. I was busy getting treatment then and all the stress that comes with that. Now, it's the what if....and I'm not doing anything.

When I get that way....I take a road trip, even if for only a day. Because I can....no daily treatment visits.

[JHan]

12. " I had to learn how to relax again"

so true.

I have an offer to attend some yoga classes but keeping still and quiet scares me for some reason, what I would have gladly signed up for just two years ago scares the hell out of me now. It's strange. I like the idea of taking road trips, getting away for a while. Maybe travel will help me.

[pangaia]

3. As solly said everyone and every type of cancer and every treatment is different.

I had diffuse large b-cell lymphoma 5 years ago..very localized in my spine, . I would get tired during the chemo periods, also had lumbar punctures.and surgery,.but after 3 months of treatment, and free of cancer, i felt fine, still do.

But, that said, i feel i was ( i hope it stays "was&quot very lucky.

Have you met with your oncologist, support staff at the hospital? That's what I might suggest for starters.

Hope all goes well.

😎

[JHan]

13. Yep, the support staff I have access to have been great.

But I think I'll need more than the psychologist/counselor can provide.

[moonscape]

4. Since I will be on chemo for life, it's a case of 'new normal'

for me. That said, my maintenance chemo is much reduced, and I do feel better. While I have fatigue, it's not the same crushing one during induction chemo.

So many ways to measure, so many yardsticks. When my spirits are high, I soar with relief to have fewer chemicals, fewer medical appointments, and life is great. When they're low, I miss my pre-cancer normal, my pre-cancer self.

There is always 'could be worse' and 'could be better' - and I'm not always able to predict what my perspective will be any given day. The only thing that's sure, is that when I'm down, I know that invariably the tide will turn and lift me up again. That keeps me going and able to tolerate the days I have the blues.

[JHan]

14. thanks for your wisdom moonscape.

The wierd thing is I know on an intellectual level that should be my response to all this, but emotionally I'm such a wreck.

[Warpy]

6. Depression is absolutely normal after any serious health issue

especially drastic ones like open heart surgery and chemotherapy for cancer. That doesn't mean it's any easier to cope with, so it might be time for a medication trial to help you over the roughest part. Yes, it can persist for quite a while.

So can things like persistent muscle aches and digestive problems. Again, your doctor is you best guide in coping with this stuff.

Just know that nobody finishes cancer treatment and goes back to feeling the way they did before they were diagnosed. The trade off is that the new nuisance health problems won't kill you, while the cancer would have.

[JHan]

15. so true..

on an intellectual level, I know the depression is normal, but I can't stop beating myself up over how I feel. My doctor has been great, but I'm coming to realise I'll need more "help". Some days I really feel tired, and completely unmotivated, and listless. But I've also not engaged emotionally with my experience yet, I was so busy with the surgery then going to appointments that my mind was able to just focus on the medical tasks and ignore everything else. Now that it's all over, it feels like I'm dealing with a deluge of emotions after the fact.

[JayhawkSD]

7. I think you have to pretty much become your new self.

I don't have cancer, I have Parkinson's Disease, but I think we have in common the battle to not let the disease define us, but to become comfortable with the degree to which it has changed us.

With something like this, you are not a different person at the core, you're still you but there is a difference in the interface between your core and the world you live in. You fit differently into your surroundings, and you have to evolve to the new way you fit. That's not a bad thing, necessarily, it's just a thing. A child changes as it becomes an adult, and this is a change of a similar nature.

My wife is just finishing her chemo and will start radiation next month. I'm watching a person become stronger and less fearful of the future right before my eyes. We've talked about it. Yes, she hates the insomnia, and being tired, and having to ask me to do things for her, but she's finding out what she can do and she doesn't want to return to "her old self."

[JHan]

16. thank you for that perspective..

"Become your new self", accepting new realities...This is what I'm having trouble with.

I'll also keep you and your wife in my thoughts, you're a great support.

[Phoenix61]

8. When people think of traumatic events

it's usually natural disasters or being the victim of a violent crime but a medical diagnosis can be a traumatic event. In the beginning, it's all about the diagnosis. It hijacks your life. The physical toll the treatment takes doesn't make things any easier not to mention the emotional roller coaster of the whole freaking mess. It seems there is a huge push in cancer treatment to "have a positive attitude." A counselor once told me depression is just anger turned inward. I always thought that was a great description. One of my doctors told me I was lucky because I wouldn't have to have chemo, just surgery and 7 weeks of radiation treatment. LUCKY!!! Are you effing serious??? Lucky is hitting the lottery, it is definitely not Happy Thanksgiving you have breast cancer. So, long way around but, throw yourself a nice big pity party complete with ranting and raving about the complete unfairness of the whole shitty experience. Invite only those friends to the party who will let you be angry and not try to talk or guilt you out of it. You have every right to be angry and wonder why me as does anyone who ever hears those awful words, "I'm sorry, you have cancer." So, yes, you will feel happy again but cut yourself some slack, you've been to hell and back. Lastly, there's a lot to be said for talking to an understanding counselor.

[JHan]

17. yes!

How many times did I hear "have a positive attitude" - No I will not have a positive attitude! lol. To hear someone say that after fits of throwing up, and going to the hospital for dehydration issues and other little emergencies, and the physical pain and all the worry. Hell no it's not a "blessing".

Your post makes me laugh because I learned to appreciate pity parties!

[JayhawkSD]

22. Interesting approach regarding depression

I once had a therapist tell me that I would never describe myself as depressed. I suggested that might be dangerous, to be depressed and not know it. He replied, "Oh no, you would manifest it as anger."

Not suggesting your person was wrong by any means. All people are different. But I have found that I often use anger to cover up depression and/or fear. It's one of my "alerts." When I find myself becoming angry I look to see what's underneath it.

[Phoenix61]

24. There is a pretty strong gender slant

It's more socially accepted for women to express sadness than anger. It's the opposite for men. It's more acceptable for them to express anger than sadness. Depression includes both anger and pain. So for women, you tend to see the pain. For men you tend to see the anger. Spitting it between men and women is definitely a sloppy short cut on my part. Probably more accurate to split it between the two most common ways depression is expressed.

[JayhawkSD]

29. I don't think so.

I know the social meme about gender roles, but my wife is a therapist, and would argue the point. The subject has come up in conversation between us more than once, and she says that the emotional tool of using anger as a cover for depression, grief/sorrow, and fear is very common and is at least as common in women as men, if not more so.

It is extremely common for families to have internal fights when a central member of the family dies, to fight over the estate for instance. It is easier to experience anger about various family issues than it is to address the grief of loss.

Couples who suffer death of a child wind up in divorce about 80% of the time. Again, anger becomes easier to experience then the pain of their loss, and wives fall prey more often than the husbands do.

As a case in point, my wife is even more prone to using that particular tool than I am. Makes things a little sticky at times when I recognize what she is doing and she doesn't. Vice versa too, of course.

[Phoenix61]

30. Based on my experience as a therapist

I'll stick to my original statement. Statistically, women are twice as likely to experience depression as men. I believe that has more to do with the anger/sadness difference than an actual difference. If someone is tearful all the time, it's easy to think they are depressed and it is definitely more acceptable for a woman to be tearful. If someone is angry all the time, depression isn't the first thing people are going think and it is definitely more acceptable for men to be angry. Interestingly, anger is often a symptom for depression in children.

[JayhawkSD]

31. Okay, you win

Your therapist beats my therapist. I should not have countered your point and turned this into a typical DU pissing contest.

[TexasProgresive]

9. I don't have the right experience as the cancer was surgically removed.

I'm wondering if you received radiation therapy as well as chemo. When my Dad was treated they told him that the effect was cumulative over time. Each day after radiation he would feel much the same as the day before but he would slowly be more tired with less energy. He received radiation over 6 months and it would take at least that long for him to feel more like his own self.

[JHan]

18. I had surgery and chemo, no radiation.

But the chemo dose was pretty heavy.I can so relate to what your dad went through.

I've had to reassess what it means to feel my "own self". Transformation isn't an easy concept to grapple with.

[JayhawkSD]

23. It certainly is with chemo.

After the first chemo my wife was, "Well, this isn't too awful." after the third or fourth she was, "Well fuck this all to hell." One more to go, next week, and then on to radiation, which the doctor assures her will be brief and will be no big deal.

[sinkingfeeling]

10. Mine was very clear. Exactly 13 months. I felt worse after the

end of my treatments than during them. I then had several bad side effects, like a piece of my jaw bone disintegrating and blisters forming on my tongue whenever I ate. We went to Italy 13 months after my last treatment and it was there that I enjoyed food again and started feeling undepressed.

P.S. I've been cancer free for 8 years now.

[JHan]

19. first, congrats on remaining cancer free...

But if I'm honest I started feeling the onset of depression before I was diagnosed, in some ways I think the whole experienced exposed vulnerabilities I've been avoiding. I really think travel will help to get me out of this funk.

[MichMary]

11. My experience

It was 31 years ago, but I remember that it took awhile to recover physically, a lot longer to recover emotionally. I got shingles a few months after my last chemo, which is quite common after cancer treatment, and then within two years of being finished with treatment my heart started to murmur. I was misdiagnosed as having plain old mitral valve prolapse, but about 5 or 6 years ago I learned that it is actually radiation induced heart disease.

So, all in all, maybe never????

If you think that you are developing depression, seek help ASAP. It's perfectly normal after what you've been through, but you don't have to deal with it. (And, don't feel guilty. It is normal.)

[JHan]

20. Yep, I'll be more proactive getting help...

I had mild depression before being diagnosed and now it feels like I'm in overdrive.

I know I shouldn't feel guilt but it's there, and won't go away.

"radiation induced heart disease" - How are you coping with this??

[MichMary]

21. I'm actually really okay about the whole thing

First, I am under the observation and treatment of a cardiologist and surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic, and they are very good. They have had a lot of experience with this condition, which a lot of docs have never even heard of!

Second, I have kind of a fatalistic approach to the whole thing. I have had _31 years_ of life that I wasn't supposed to have!! I have been able to raise my two babies, see them graduate from high school and college, and start families of their own. How cool is that? If I had known that 31 years ago, when there were no guarantees that I would even live long enough for them to have memories of me, I would have figured it was more than I had a right to ask for.

[JHan]

26. :)

I'm in my early 20's and just hoping I won't have to deal with it again. On on the one hand I feel it's so stupid and unfair, but I know young people ( even younger than me) dealing with 10x's worse than what I went through.

[PennyK]

25. I don't think it ever goes back to the "before"

However, I'm not there yet. I've had a number of complications along the way that made recovery more of a challenge. Right now, I am receiving Hyperbaric oxygen therapy for a wound on my chest. The skin degraded after radiation, I got a hematoma that became infected, and it all just went to hell. Hoping this will be my LAST complication, but you never know.

I still have my sense of humor, and I know it could've been far worse. Breast cancer? You can lead quite a normal life afterward...I'm so lucky I got that rather than lung, which I truly deserved (I smoked for over 40 years).

[JHan]

27. I'm rooting for you, I hope it's the last complication for you as well.

[usrbs]

28. It took me a year after the chemo

It was lung cancer and after the chemo I went through 5 operations in the same location in 3 months because of internal bleeding complications. That year I literally let paperwork pile up for the entire year, couldn't face cooking (when I finally made myself scrambled eggs it was a real occasion), and felt so very weak.

But I did get through it and I have just one more scan and then I'll reach the 2 year mark, after which my prognosis dramatically improves.

There are things that helped- a cancer support group and a 12 week program at the YMCA called "Livestrong" for cancer patients. Both were free. Hopefully you have similar resources where you live. You should definitely ask the hospital about this.

Good luck.