tremendous burden

[Not Heidi]

I'm almost as deeply depressed as I was in September '21 when I admitted myself to a mental hospital. Tonight's events haven't helped. Without getting too graphic, I've had to clean up the bathroom twice after my wife, who is ill. It has been three years since the last time she was this sick.

It's an all-night endeavor, getting up with her, nursing her, and cleaning up. Even if the attacks stop, I get no sleep. The anxiety is crushing and I can find no relief.

And tomorrow - well, this afternoon - we have to euthanize her favorite cat, who is very ill and suffering. No doubt her grief is what's brought on tonight's attacks.

We've been together 22½ years, married for 12½. I love her and I'm committed. I take my vows seriously. They help me get through nights like this. It's as if that's where I get my energy from for these all-nighters

This is my late night rant of catharsis, only it's not all that cathartic. If there were someone I could've called, I would've done that instead of writing here. I wish there were someone I could text, like a suicide hotline - not for suicide but for extreme depression.

[irisblue]

1. Holding both of you in my heart

[Not Heidi]

6. Thank you, irisblue

So much ❤️

[Tetrachloride]

2. The hotlines will take your call

https://duckduckgo.com/?q=depression+hotline

https://psychcentral.com › depression › depression-hotline-numbers

Quote:
numbers you can call National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255 (TALK) The National Suicide Prevention Hotline offers free and confidential support to those in...

I had to call once myself so that i knew what to try to say to a friend.

and i am a tolerably good listener too

[Not Heidi]

4. Thank you.

I found the Lifeline number and texted with someone for two hours. Thank you for the suggestion.

I'm glad you're a good listener. We, the Depressed, need you. ❤️

[SheltieLover]

3. Healing vibes on the way! 💓💓💓

[Not Heidi]

5. thank you, SheltieLover. ❤️ n/t

[Bernardo de La Paz]

7. Keep posting, if it helps. As to internal dialogue,

... if you write about it (to us or to a diary), it might help. It might not be cathartic, but it might help. Catharsis can come in little bits and pieces if it is a stream, steady or otherwise.

Aside from treatments (medication, talk therapy), I don't know how that internal dialogue goes for you, but give this a try.

Stop fighting it. Not giving in, but going around.

Easy for me to say, difficult for anyone in your situation to do. What I suggest is that when life really gets you down, and something inside tells you something negative, say to yourself "Oh, you again. Yeah, life is tough." And then take you focus back to what you are doing. If you aren't doing something and aren't distracting yourself with something like video or games, etc., try writing.

Try writing about your feelings, not to wallow in them, but to acknowledge them and to really really enforce the idea that they are only feelings, however sincerely felt, and I do not doubt they are sincerely felt.

I think your sense of duty is a good anchor for you. Your duty to your wife is not only commendable, but healthy. You may feel duties to other causes. Don't let them rule you, but they can steady you. They are something you can focus on, not because you have to, but because you have chosen to.

As to anxiety, meditation is helpful, as has been measured by studies. You can even do meditation in daily activities. As you are cleaning up something, focus on the task. "Okay, got that bit, here's another, needs scrubbing, where's the scrubber, okay, gonna hafta rub hard, harder, got it, where's the water, ....". In classical meditation, people are often suggested to focus on their breath. Feel it come in, feel it held briefly, feel it exhaled, feel the brief pause, repeat cycles.

You can take a 30 second pause at times, and simply focus on five breath cycles, nothing else. A grounding pause.

When negatives or depressed thoughts come up as you are doing something, acknowledge them briefly, and then move your focus back. The thing is that if you try to fight negative thoughts, it makes them stronger. Go around them.

It doesn't hurt to from time to time remind yourself of your goodness and the goodness in the world. You are a good partner. The world still has much tremendous beauty. There are many good people helping others and themselves and nature. It is a truth, not glibness. Don't so much focus on the goodness, but keep it in your back pocket. Use it not to fight the bad wolf, but to balance yourself from time to time. "Yeah, it's bad now, but there is good, so I carry on."

It does get better. Accumulated age accumulates experience which generates bits of wisdom which help balance.

Feed the good wolf. Starve the bad one without pretending it is not there.

[Not Heidi]

11. I don't understand.

What does "feed the good wolf/starve the bad" mean?

[Bernardo de La Paz]

16. Ah, a term from Canadian Indigenous peoples

The good wolf is your better self, integrated into society, kind, empathic, confident.

Your bad wolf gnaws at you, creates ego trouble, sabotages your progress, is not wise, is hungry for no good reason.

Feed the good wolf. Nurture it, praise it. Don't fight the bad wolf because that makes it stronger. Just starve it. Whenever it demands attention, let it know that you know that it is there, and then ignore it.

That at least is my interpretation, with a little zen stirred in.

[Bernardo de La Paz]

17. The wolf story, and the meanings, as told by another

https://www.joyceshulman.com/thoughts/feed-your-good-wolf

[Not Heidi]

18. Thank you for both your replies.

I'll read up.

[gademocrat7]

8. Sending hugs of support and healing

to you and your wife.

[Not Heidi]

12. thank you, gademocrat

[mvd]

9. Sending good vibes and healing vibes, Not Heidi

May both of you feel better. Losing a pet is just like losing a family member. It is very hard. So it’s understandable there will be grief, but if it gets too bad, you can call a hotline or go to the emergency room. Hoping for the best for both of you. Lots of hugs.

[Not Heidi]

13. thank you, mvd

I appreciate you.

[lark]

10. United Way has a psychiatric help hotline you can call and talk to someone.

Last year when I was at my worst, couldn't eat and was dropping weight like crazy, I called them and set an appointment for myself and talked to someone a couple of times. It helped me get focus on a way forward and with belief that there was a way forward. I did this at the same time I set up an appt. to see my primary care, just to get me through the week until I could see her.

I live in a state with medical marijuana, I called them and got some advice on things to do for heavy depression, and it helped get me through too. I used a syringe concentrate with 1 to 1 CBD/THC ratio. I'd mix a tiny bit in some hot water and drink it before bed and it helped quiet my anxiety so I could sleep and also helped settle my stomach. I did this until I had gotten used to the new anti-depressant which doc prescribed when I got to see her, then I stopped it as it was no longer needed.

Take good care of yourself, as well as your wife. It's important!

[Not Heidi]

14. thank you, lark

Great name. Makes me think of one of my favorite Johnny Mercer songs.

[lark]

15. You're welcome and thank you too.