So now what?...
I'm no longer quite in the panicky crisis I was in a few days ago. But now that the breakdown itself has blown over I feel like my life is over. Don't worry I'm not quite suicidal. But I don't feel there is any future for me and any thoughts of trying to put together a plan or think about my situation gets the anxiety going again. I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist in 1/2 a week or so and I'm trying to get some ativan or something to tie me over till then. I've been here before but the more times you touch bottom the farther away and the less accessible the surface seems. Also the less hope you have, I don't even feel like trying anymore I've failed so many times. Anyway maybe I should concentrate on just getting back to where I was this summer even if I didn't have a job or school then, things were at least going well emotionally and physically.
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A different college, one that allows you to take as few classes as you feel up to taking.
And a new therapist, one that you can see daily for awhile.
And maybe new medications.
Obviously, what you've been doing is not working.
And it doesn't matter how long it takes you to get where you want to be.
YOUR LIFE IS NOT OVER.
You are worth it!
As I suggested before, Locut0s should maybe get another therapist and, I think, see him/her more often than is currently the case, much more often, like 5x/week.
Definitely worth it!
In the really short term I think I need to relax and regroup. Thinking too much about what my options are right now just leads me to panic again. I have some Ativan here now that I'm going to take over the next few days to help with the short term stuff. Longer term I'll speak with my psychiatrist about med changes. I know I need to get back to my exercises and weight loss as that was very good for me.
I'm not sure how to go about getting a therapist I can see on a daily basis. Hopefully a good one too, as they vary in quality so much, like any profession. Cost also worries me in this regard.
Thanks for reminding me it doesn't matter how long it takes. I rarely feel that. I occasionally speak to another friend of mine who has his own emotional issues, actually in many respects he's a lot worse than me. And he thinks time is everything, that you're a total failure unless you achieve X by age Y. I tell him like you are telling me that this is not the case, that life affords people the ability to develop at their own rate and truthfully fuck the status quo that he continually measures himself against. Thing is I do much the same without realizing it a lot of the time. I have difficulty actually feeling the truth of the fact that it doesn't matter, deep down I think I feel that it really does very much. Deep down I compare myself to others all the time and the comparison is almost never flattering on my end of the scale. I have to stop doing this.
Thanks, I know my life is not over. Well factually I know this. There are lots of people out there in their 40s and 50s who only begin to discover themselves. But I don't FEEL this, is the problem. Like so much else, I know all the facts but I can't tap into the truth of things emotionally. Ironically I think I'd make a good psychiatrist as I can analyse myself and others fairly well and see the factual truth of the matter but, again ironically, when it comes time to act my emotions don't match my logic. It's like knowing the proof of a mathematical formula, one that can't be refuted, and being able to show someone all the steps in the proof, but still somehow feeling great uncertainty about it emotionally.
Again thanks for listening to all this rambling, just venting and having people listen is helpful at times. 
aren't meant to do certain things, I guess. I don't have a license to drive.. too scared. Don't have a job... always screw those up and the stress makes me sick anyway.
I am lucky that my husband lets me stay home so I can be in a mostly stress-free environment. Well, not counting the fact that we are raising teenagers right now. But I still feel guilty and ashamed that I don't drive or work. I think, though, this is something I need to lay at the feet of society for the most part. (Except I do feel bummed about putting people out when I need rides to places. 
)
May you find that place you were in this summer as quickly as possible!
I don't think I'm every going to be able to get rid of the anxiety entirely, it's too fundamental a part of my personality at this point. But if I can find some way of working WITH it, I may still be able to do these things in some fashion. There are many a rather successful software developer who work from home for example. You don't need to work in a stressful cubicle environment which I know realize I don't think I can do. Course that route takes luck and some networking but maybe I don't want to think of that right now. Don't feel guilty of your position for even a second! I know 1000% why you do, I feel IMMENSE guilt over the failures and set backs I have suffered over the past 10+ years. But feeling this way, although it's understandable and I can relate, does nothing but make us feel worse. It contributes nothing to the situation and has no positive effect whatsoever. Many many people out there, those who supposedly CAN hack it in life have a SHIT load more to be guilty about than we do and they feel nothing at all and no one expects them to. Instead we have little to feel guilty about in the bigger picture yet we destroy ourselves over it. I'm sure we will both continue to feel guilty but try to keep these things in mind, and so will I 
And BTW raising teenagers is a damn stressful job, don't put yourself down on that account!
Thanks for the reply, I'm going to try and relax over the next week or so and I'll talk with my psychiatrist and see where things go from there.
