I need to build a foundation of intrinsic self worth but I'm not sure how to start.

[Locut0s]

A large part of me thinks of myself as lower than a slime mold and deservedly so. I define myself by my failures. If I was asked to define who I was in a neutral and non-threatening environment I would list every negative thing I could think of about myself then add, as a foot note, a small list of talents and achievements. I seem incapable of accepting praise without replying with a thanks, BUT..., look at the "real" me. When I visit forums and other places I always start with a very negative introduction in the hopes that people will accept this "real" me first. I feel like an imposter or liar when discussing my talents and achievements. Yet I desperately seek attention and praise, to the point where at times I may come across as full of myself or egotistical when the reality is quite the opposite. I want people to see my talents and praise me, but then I want to show them the list of my failures and say SEE this is the "real me", can you accept me and praise me now? In many ways this IS very egotistical and self centred as it's all about me, me, me even if it is all negative.

The ultimate base issue here is that I have no intrinsic feeling of self worth. I'm only as good as my last achievement or last bit of small praise I received. And the positive effects of these events are fleeting and short lived. Thus I'm continually seeking praise and acceptance as this is the foundation upon which I build my feelings of self worth. I lack the internal motivator, praiser and generator of positive self value that most people seem to have. Pull the rug out from most people and they are still able to say to themselves with a certain level of certainty, even in difficult times "it's ok, I'm worth it, I'll keep chugging along cause I know I'm better than this, I deserve better" etc... I seem to completely lack this internal message. In it's place I have a very negative tape recorder playing a loop of all my failures and feelings of negative self worth.

I need to work on building a foundation of self worth on which I can lean and draw strength from. I'm not clear though how to go about this task.

Edit: I'm fully aware of the irony of posting this as a list of failure and a means of seeking approval and praise in and of itself.

[elleng]

1. Start with

'list of talents and achievements' you mentioned above, including many interesting and positive posts you've contributed to DU.

Recently you've sounded very positive, and I've admired them.

Include high among them your post to Recursion. Was VERY interesting, and imo a good basis for a lot of your life. Somewhere in there is likely, I suspect, a basis for your self-worth.

[Locut0s]

3. Thank you Ellen...

I suppose I have been. A little more positive of late. More than anything I find as I go off my medication that my emotions are very volatile. On them I was very flat. Now I find myself swinging from opimisim to desperation daily. I guess the periods of optimism that I have each day is what you are seeing. It's something

I'm curious which post were you referring to specifically? I can't remember.

[elleng]

5. about Recursion's big Indian wedding, I think,

and how you enjoyed reading about it, given your experiences.

Emotions can be good and bad. I understand underplaying them; I hate confrontation, avoided such w my husband, and still pick my 'fights.'

[LiberalEsto]

2. Get a piece of paper and a pen

and write down even the smallest good thing about you. Make a list of every positive quality you have that you can think of.

Try to add to it whenever you can.

I did this some years ago when struggling with my own feelings of worthlessness. On the first try, the only thing I could come up with was: Occasionally people think I have a nice smile. Honestly, that was all.

What it did was to shift my thinking. I started to think about other positive things about me. It was hard. I kept at it, though, and gradually the process helped give me a small but steady sense that I had worth. It took months, but it worked.

Added note: People can point out all kinds of great things about you, but if you don't have self-esteem, you won't believe them. The positive things have to come from you.

[Locut0s]

4. I guess I really should try this...

I've had this exercise suggested to me before and read of others doing it. Somehow I've always brushed it off as not being likely to be helpful. I feel I do know my positive attributes I just don't give them any weight or believe in them. I really should give it a try though. Thanks.

And yes self esteem is another thing I lack in spades.

[No Vested Interest]

11. Write down one positive attribute on a post-it note, or several post-it notes.

Put the note(s) on your bathroom mirror and other places (in your room where you will see them regularly.

When you feel like it, change it/them out for another positive trait on post-it notes, in the same manner.

Good luck.

[angstlessk]

6. Funny...as long as I thought myslef as victim of my parents abuse

my mothers to be exact..when I was raped she blamed me (and actually I was 10-20% to blame)...I was suicidal..and depressed...I went to psychiatrists who supported my contentions..but until I realized I was a narcissistic, selfish, horrible child to my parents...did I then begin to heal....

[Locut0s]

8. It's true I do get into the victim mentality thing at times...

Last edited Thu Dec 19, 2013, 06:09 PM - Edit history (1)

I'm not sure I've been a horrible child though.

Or maybe I have?

[libodem]

7. Sounds like you

Are receiving sound advice. I wish I had a fabulous answer with quick and easy results. I think it takes hard work to come to the I'm okay, you're okay, world view.

Have you read any books about transactanal analysis? It can help identify some of the habitual negative self talk and restart a more positive self dialog.

Sometimes very intelligent people are the most self critical in their attempt to judge themselves realistically.

[Stuart G]

9. There is a group that works on "self esteme" issues.

It is called Emotions Anonymous
It is twelve step program for people who have difficulty with emotions. Very helpful on these issues.

http://www.emotionsanonymous.org/

[RBInMaine]

10. First, have you inquired about a good counselor? It really helps to process this through counseling.

Next, yes, list your achievements and positive qualities, and I would say go out and do good things for people. Donate blood, volunteer somewhere, etc.

Next, associate with positive people.

Next, I always recommend regular physical exercise. This builds endorphins which help people feel good, it is all about reaching goals, and it improves self-image. It is a healthy thing.

Next, avoid drugs and booze. Don't smoke.

Next, be good to yourself. Do healthy things you like to do.

Next, stay busy and active whether it is work, family activities, civic groups, or all of the above.

Finally, don't "look for praise." Do good things, and "praise" will come. And it starts with praise of yourself.

Best of luck.