College age child with depression, anxiety and stress

[woodsprite]

Not sure if this is the write group to post this too, but here goes. I feel bad about it going off at my daughter the other day, but she received 2 Z's out of 4 classes this semester. Apparently she stopped going to those 2 classes sometime the end of October. They're both in her chosen minor of Russian. She may not have stopped the 2nd class (English lit w/ Russian authors), but they were taught back-to-back by the same professor. She said she feels so stupid, everybody else is so smart and they look at her funny when she mispronounces something, but she's comparing herself with native Russian speakers who are taking the classes for an easy "A". She's learned a new alphabet and moved up to advanced classes in just 3 years - that's not someone deserving of any label other driven in my book.

This from a girl who was on the Dean's list the first year and who is still pulling A's-C's in her other courses - major is Art Conservation (so it's not the easiest major). The minor was her idea, not required. It's not like she's trying to work and keep up with classes/studying. If she wanted a job, she could get one. We haven't suggested one way or another because our feeling is that since she is in a demanding major which does require internships, that she should concentrate on that aspect. Being a student and graduating is her job right now. It seems like anything where she feels she'll be judged (job interview, past experience, etc.) it sends her into a tailspin, but it's one where it's not obvious. She hides it very well, but the stress or anxiety of it drives her to total inaction, if that makes sense.

It scares me because she keeps saying she's 'stupid', she feels stupid. She's went to the campus counseling center Tuesday and was talking to someone there about how to deal with this. She has never really lied to us before about things (at least, not that I'm aware of), but she definitely did this past semester. I kept asking if were there going to be any surprises we needed to know about, 'are you doing OK in your classes'. anything you need help with, etc.... She supposedly has another appointment with the same psychologist tomorrow to talk about coping mechanisms and to get her set up with someone she can talk to over the winter session.

According to her, the counselor thinks she has some depression, stress, and anxiety over classes, graduation, etc. The counselors, profs, etc. don't talk to or even welcome much in the way of parent involvement. I'm not sure how to show concern over her, her academics, and well being without being labeled a "helicopter" parent or just being ignored. My daughter shared some of the information as well as the drs contact info with me when she came home. She said he did a survey with her and asked lots of questions. Yesterday, I sent him email saying that I want to respect her privacy, but want to/and will make ourselves available to help her in whatever way she needs. My husband doesn't think I should have emailed him but I didn't think it would hurt. We're a very close family and she lives at home (not in a dorm).

My daughter has always been much harder on herself than anyone around her, so I know what a friend meant when she told me about the consequences in her own head being bigger and louder than anything else. When I told our daughter it's fine and it wouldn't be the first time that someone either dropped a minor or changed what they were doing. She said she does enjoy her major now that she has some good friends in her classes. They are also in her winter session classes (painting and pottery - both things she enjoys). She told the counselor she misses music (plays the violin, but hasn't had time). She actually dropped out of the town symphony because she didn't like playing classical music as much as popular music.

She's always taking care of/mothered her friends (did in high school, now again in college), but when I asked if she shared about her Russian classes with them, she said no. So it's OK if she sees their weakness, but she doesn't want to share hers with anyone. She didn't feel she could be truthful with us about the classes, but has been talking about it a bit yesterday and last night.

She had issues a few times in high school dealing with classes/not turning in work that she had actually done and had in her notebook, etc. and as I remember, the worst of those times were when she was helping her friends through some rough times of their own (one friend came out to her mother, another was under eval/medicated due to a suicide attempt, etc.) Thinking back, about the time she started having issues this time was when a boy she had known since high school was killed in a car crash. It was all over the news, as were pics of him. Then on Halloween when her friends had a party, she held everything together and was the responsible 'grown-up' when she had to call the police/paramedics to take one of them to the ER (alcohol poisoning), while she and another girl babysat the other friend (kept her from doing something she'd regret), cleaned up her house from the 2 girls being sick, then went and picked the girl up from the ER when she was released. She told me last night that the one that went to the ER is doing 2 internships, a full class load and had to be driven home by their dept. chair the other day because she had collapsed in class.

Sorry this is so long. I just had to get all that out. I haven't heard back from the psychologist (not really expecting to). I just want to make sure we're doing everything we should at home for her. I'm probably driving her crazy with finding reasons to check on her or asking if she's OK - OK going to the grocery store for some dog food, OK heating some soup up for her and her brother for dinner, etc. Right now, I feel kinda helpless. She's such a perfectionist and expects to be "on" all the time. Three fourths of our family is definitely not that way, which may stress her out even more. I don't know. I feel like I'm going to cry if someone looks at me cross-eyed because I'm so worried about her.

If you have any ideas, please let me know.

[elleng]

1. A very quick response:

If she's driven to inaction, sounds like depression to me. Meds could do the trick for her, and good counseling and DOCS would also help.

Best wishes to you, and to her too.

[Turbineguy]

2. My roommate in school was the smartest guy in the class

Straight A's the whole way. We did a 4 year engineering degree in 3 years. I managed to take 4 years but got through it. One semester was 22.5 units including calculus, physics, thermo and electrical engineering. After we graduated and worked a while he went back to school to get his master's in physics. It was a rude awakening for him because he was among smart people there and so was merely average.

Contrary perhaps to what we see on TV and in the movies, college is hard work. This in addition to the usual risks of life, especially for young adults. Your daughter seems to be coping with it better than some of her friends and has the energy to help them as well. Perhaps she should back off a bit and think a little about taking care of Number One. There's only so much you can do in a day.

A bright side too, is she has you.

[hunter]

3. My Bachelor's degree took nine years and I was "asked" to take "time away" twice.

As in "pull yourself together, Hunter, or don't come back."

I wouldn't have been allowed to return to school the last time without a professor advocating for me.

What I've learned in life is to create a support system for myself that will catch me whenever I run off the rails. My own mental illness is such that I never know when I'm off the rails.

I'm fairly fortunate. Modern meds and the support of family and friends have mostly worked so far.

If I collapse into anonymous homelessness at this point, past middle age, it's been a wild wonderful ride with many fine stories.

[olddots]

4. my 2 cents

You pay for her school and her health care and you deserve to be part of the process ,if they resist they should be selling real estate or flipping burgers .

REMEMBER mental health care is a for profit business as is big pharma's magic pills .....pick and choose your path very carfully with the depression industrial complex .Sorry for my bad attitude but please be carefull out there .

[woodsprite]

5. Thank you all for your replies. She signed a consent so my husband and I could talk with the Dr.

and we just got off the phone with him. He said the most important thing we can do right now is to let her know that we are there to support her and to talk with her without judging her. She's been hyper-judging herself and can't deal with it in her own mind. He gave her (and us) a list of psychologists that we can try to set up an appointment with. He'd like to see her get an appointment somewhere, creating a relationship with a longer term psychologist before the winter session starts. He said their student counseling service is only for short term (12 sessions) or evaluations to recommend to other services, so he would like his time with her helping her deal with school stress/anxiety and have the other psychologist handle the depression issue.

He did say that she told him she has had thoughts of killing herself, but he said after talking with her, that those thoughts are pretty normal for people who are suffering depression. I know that I had them myself when I was pregnant as a teen, so I am familiar with the feeling. According to him, there are 3 stages, and she is at stage 1 (where I guess I would have been staged as well) - where she was thinking about it because she wanted to stop hurting and wanted to get out of the situation she created herself, but hadn't thought about how to do it or made plans, etc. That seems like such a small step one way or the other - backing away from those thoughts, or tipping to the planning stage. I just want to pull her as far away from that ledge as I can.

Needless to say, I'm scared to death. I would trade places with her in a flash if I could just to take away her pain. He said that she may find that meds will help with the depression but in his opinion we're not there yet. He preferred to get her support system built first and get her talking/opening up before making that decision since psych drugs can have bad side effects. He said that we're a close family and want to be supportive - two things that some people don't have, so we're moving in the right direction.

I guess I'm a bit (miniscule) more calm after talking with him, not really, but I can breath now. It helped me that my husband heard him say that she shared with him that she had contemplated suicide as a way to solve everything. He thought my worry was unfounded. I told the Dr. that K and I had talked together last night and I told her that I loved her more than anything, we can figure this out together, etc. He said all we could do is keep that up, to let her know we're there. He also told us to ask her what she needs from us, gave us a website to read through, and another few names of counselors if we can't get an appt at the 4 he gave her.

I told him my most immediate goal right now was to see that we get through the holidays, certainly with her feeling no more stressed or depressed than she currently is. Hopefully being home, doing some fun things, resting, etc. will keep the status quo or better.

[bloom]

6. I have a perfectionistic daughter, as well

She lived at home while going to college, also. She got to where she took fewer classes than a full load - to reduce her stress. She graduated with a double major after 8 years (and after having to withdraw mid-semester for medical reasons - depression - at least 2 different times).

I understand the difficulty as a parent / mother with a daughter who has high expectations for herself and is not meeting them. She also becomes suicidal from time to time and it is very upsetting to me - and yet I have to stay calm, etc.

While my daughter did try anti-depressants for awhile - and they did help her - I am the one who has stayed on them - because I recognize my own need.

Best wishes with your journey.

[woodsprite]

9. I fully understand, especially about recognizing the need in yourself.

I was on anxiety meds when I was a little girl and thought all that was behind me.

In first grade, my doc put me on meds due to an incident that happened at school. I had my legs crossed like a boy in reading circle and the teacher slapped my leg off where I had it crossed. She slapped it so hard I fell off the chair and had the wind knocked out of me because of how I landed. My mom went to school to see if she could have my class changed, but the principal wouldn't let her since so many kids had already been switched out. Every morning after that incident, I threw up and had diarrhea -- for 3 years! In 4th grade I had the most strict teacher in the building, but I just loved her. No more problem going to school, no more green meds that made me sleepy!

Last week with all of this going on, I had a day that I just could not stop crying. I let all my worries get the best of me and didn't nip it in the bud when the vortex of anxiety started spiraling down. I made it through a morning at work, but called in sick for the afternoon. I beat the feelings back by attacking the treadmill at home and giving myself a stern talking too about letting my imagination and worry run away from me. By the time my daughter and son walked through the door from their afternoon classes, I was pretty well in control again.

[mopinko]

7. you are lucky that she would do this.

and that the shrink was ok with it, too. my daughter's shrink was opposed to this even when she was only 15.
seems he swallowed her delusions about us. figured a kid this messed up must have messed up parents. some day the research about the biological and genetic roots of mental illness will start to filter through the freudian crap that underpins much of modern psychiatry.

hang in there. this too shall pass. i know how tough it is, and i am still here to tell the tale.

[woodsprite]

8. Looks like we may have to take a step backward.

K finally got in to see one of the psychologists that the counselor at college recommended. The first 1-hour appointment was last week (after trying to get a hold of the lady since Dec 19th). K was told to get the book "Codependent No More" - not because she has or is around anyone with a drug or alcohol dependency, but to read it because it had some good coping strategies that she could use. Yesterday was her second 1-hour appointment with the doc. She told K that she thinks her problem is biological depression, maybe hormonal - not anxiety or stress - and that she'll need meds to fix it because she doesn't seem to be happy about anything, had 2 great uncles (whom she never knew - died way before she was born) who had drinking problems, and her father is grumpy.

I've never had to deal with a psychologist before, but that just doesn't sound to me like a good way to go about deciding that someone needs to go on meds, especially before trying anything else much. The book just arrived today, so she hadn't even started reading it when she had the appt. yesterday. I'm thinking the doc probably just didn't want to deal either with K or our insurance. She said she doesn't prescribe meds, but we should go find another doc who does, but she would be glad to continue the talk therapy sessions with K after the meds were prescribed.

K said if she had to go find another doc to be evaluated, than she'd just choose a practice where they do whole therapy - from eval to holistic to meds. I told her I thought working holistic treatment into an overall treatment plan, even if she does have to go on meds, would be the key to making this work for her. I found one that does take our insurance, has quite a few docs and therapists, they said that sometimes meds are needed for depression but they couple it with anxiety/stress management and therapy (one on on or group - whatever works best for the patient). This practice was created by the director of the psychology dept at our local hospital and does have scripting ability, along with access to prescribe blood tests, etc.

I was interested in your take on the situation so far. Like I said, I have no experience going down this path, but my intuition is telling me to encourage switching to this other practice before too much is invested emotionally in this first doc. I am really interested in what you think. With all this stuff, I kinda feel like I'm walking into a dark room and my candle just went out.

[Tobin S.]

10. Don't be afraid to try meds.

Go with the other practice that does everything, and if they write her a prescription make sure she takes it like she's supposed to.

Depression can be tricky to treat. Some people respond well to meds, others have a little improvement, and for a few they don't offer any relief. But if you don't try you won't know. And if they work it will be a lot easier, and probably a lot more effective, than years of talk therapy. You will have your daughter back.

[Peace Seeker]

12. I spent and hour just yesterday with my mother.

My mother was always scared for me. We talked and touched on a few sensitive topics. She told me that she cries for my pain. She said she was curious what she could have done. She feels guilty that she didn't recognize times she felt she should have intervened. She felt she failed me.

She is the most wonderful mother. She has stuck with me though tough times. She is my biggest advocate. For everything she is, and who I am, I am so blessed to have her.

She always felt guilty, but there wasn't anything to feel guilty about.

She feels she failed me, but she has actually saved my life.

If your doing everything you can think to do, don't ever blame yourself.