I'm kissing my daughter goodbye tomorrow morning.

[al_liberal]

DU friends:

I've spent the past seven years focusing on nothing other than my daughter. Her mother and I were never married and I have to state unequivocally that my daughter was unexpected by both of us. Blah, blah, blah. It's seven years later and her mother is moving her to Boston next week.

I'm very upset by giving up the flexibility that both of us have grown accustomed to in our requests to see each other. Her mother and I have been on an anytime anywhere plan for her. Yes, I know how wrong it is to accommodate the child's every wish, but our thoughts have been that it is better for her to spend her time with the parent of her choosing. I don't need lectures about parenting here guys.

What I'm asking about here is everyone's experiences with having your child moved away from you. How stable has the relationship been? Has it been maintained after the relocation? Has visitation been consistent? How did you deal with asking your child what he/she wanted to take from your home to be included in the movement of possessions? What about holidays and vacation?

I feel that the entire focus of my life is being wrenched away from me and I don't know another way to state the situation. I've been able to visit with my daughter practically any day that she or I asked. I'm very afraid that I'm going to lose that relationship and our future together will consist of awkward forced times together.

Guys, I'm completely out of my element here and I'd really like to hear how you've been able to deal with the situation.

[seabeyond]

1. i am on my fire so hard to type

But I so feel for you I want to reply. And tomorrow will chat a bit more.

I see nothing wrong with having such a flexible approach. I think it is great you and the mom could work so well together.

I have not experienced this. Brother did 14 hour drive away. It was hard and mom not cooperative. It will make all the difference with a cooperative parent. How far away from you? If a distance you have face book, pictures and stories and at 7 other says to entertain thru net. Just stay connected regardless how hard. Father/daughter relationships are so valuable to both of you. Good luck. And I am sorry you and her will be feeling this loss for a while.

[HopeHoops]

2. I'm on the other side of the situation. I've never been divorced, but my parents were.

I've also never had a kid out of wedlock. For a long time, my mother wouldn't even let me see my dad. Then she decided she "couldn't control us anymore" (meaning I grabbed the belt out of her hand during a swing) and sent us to live with my dad. She disappeared for a while. It was hardest on my younger brother because he had always felt rejected by his natural parents and now was being rejected by his adopted mother.

All I can suggest is that you do your best to keep yourself in the picture with phone calls and Skype. You didn't specify if there's parental vitriol involved, but there's usually at least some resentment that kids will quickly pick up on. Good luck and hang in there. Communication is what's most important now, but try to shelter her from from your emotions and encourage her mother to do the same. Face it, her feelings are more important than either of yours. It may not feel that way most of the time, but they are.

[Ruby Reason]

3. Skype, its not perfect but it helps.

So does e-mail and any other way to keep lines of communication open during distance living. I'm sorry you are feeling so lost and hurt. My youngest decided to spend her Senior year of H.S. in another state with her grandparents. Not the way I envisioned this year going. I felt very hurt and sad. But my husband and I left the final decision up to her and she is gone.

We skype mostly. Talk on the phone or use e-mail occasionally. We try to plan visits well in advance so everyone is on the same page. I wish I could be of more help. Hang in there and know it is ok to cry (well I try not to do it in front of my daughter), but my dog has heard me cry, bitch, and moan about it. That helps.

Good luck.

[positiveidea]

4. A difficult situation

What comes through clearly to me is your love for your daughter. Whatever path you choose, I believe your daughter feels your love. Here are some maybes. Maybe you let her take most/half/some of the items from your house she wants? Maybe one day you will be able to move closer? Maybe you and her mother will work out a vacation sharing schedule? But above all, I believe that you will not lose the relationship, but rather it will change, and together you will manage that change. One encouragement, as difficult as this is on you, you are an adult & better able to deal with things than a child. That you are on here asking for help is proof. I'm sure you already are, but another word of encouragement is remember how difficult this must be on the child. Anything you can do to make it the best you can, will be helpful for you both. Believe in good friend. Best of luck to you.