My Divorce Felt Mortally Wounding - Then I Walked the Camino de Santiago. A New Start after 60
Last edited Mon Mar 27, 2023, 02:50 PM - Edit history (2)
- A New Start after 60. The Guardian, March 27, 2023. Belinda Isley was devastated when her husband left, but it was the start of an excellent second act: fostering newborn kittens, travelling with friends and becoming a ‘house mom’ for a sorority.
“What I thought was going to be the best year of my life turned out to really suck,” says Belinda Isley.
It had started so promisingly: she and her husband had retired early (Isley worked in marketing for the state of Idaho, where they lived, and for the local university; she also worked as an artist and had a sideline in property development). Their son was at college and they had downsized, giving them more financial freedom. The couple travelled to Costa Rica and celebrated her 60th birthday with a wine-tasting trip. Then Isley’s mother died. “It wasn’t unexpected, but it was sudden,” she says.
Grieving for her mother and dealing with probate were emotionally gruelling. Then, three months later, she faced another shock. “One morning, I’d made a latte for my husband. I gave it to him and he just kind of casually said he thought we should be divorced. I thought he was joking, because he was my best friend and we just had life by the tail.” Isley was “mortally wounded” – angry, sad and shocked. Eventually, though, she rallied. “I got to the point where I said: OK, you have two choices here. You can be really bitter and angry and live the rest of your life like that, or you can look really hard and, difficult as it may be, find whatever gift there is in this scenario.”
That marked the start of a second act full of adventure. Isley began by fostering newborn kittens that needed to be fed every three hours, which she found to be a positive way to avoid the introspection inherent in relationship breakdown. “If you focus your light outward to help people, it’s a really healing experience.” She reconnected with two old friends and went on walking adventures with one of them; they walked the Camino de Santiago and crossed England coast to coast, from St Bees to Robin Hood’s Bay. The walks were far from easy, but the experience was transformative – spiritual, even.
“When you get into nature, you get in touch with another world. It resets your body compass and your mindset,” she says.
Back in the US, on the lookout for financial security, Isley learned from a friend of a friend about her experience working as a house director, or “house mom”, in a college sorority. She decided to apply for such a role, taking up her first position at 64. She is now based at the University of California, Santa Barbara. Anything from 32 to 86 girls live in the “fairly grand” sorority house; there are chefs, gardeners and handymen to oversee. Her property-developing experience was invaluable. “I’m not afraid of houses; I know when something goes wrong and what you have to do.”...More, https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/mar/27/a-new-start-after-60-divorce-mortally-wounding-walked-camino-de-santiago
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- CAMINO DE SANTIAGO, Wiki.(Film, SEE Rick Steves' Europe, online: Film, 'The Way' movie w/ Martin Sheen (2010).
The Camino de Santiago, known in English as the Way of St James, is a network of pilgrims' ways or pilgrimages leading to the shrine of the apostle Saint James the Great in the cathedral of Santiago de Compostela in Galicia in northwestern Spain, where tradition holds that the remains of the apostle are buried. As Pope Benedict XVI said, "It is a way sown with so many demonstrations of fervour, repentance, hospitality, art & culture which speak to us eloquently of the spiritual roots of the Old Continent."
- Many still follow its routes as a form of spiritual path or retreat for their spiritual growth. It is also popular with hikers, cyclers, & organized tour groups.
Created and established after the discovery of the relics of Saint James the Great at the beginning of the 9th century, the Way of St James became a major pilgrimage route of medieval Christianity from the 10th century onwards. But it was only after the capture of Granada in 1492, under the reign of Ferdinand II of Aragon & Isabella I of Castile, that Pope Alexander VI officially declared the Camino de Santiago to be one of the "3 great pilgrimages of Christendom", along with Jerusalem & the Via Francigena to Rome.
In 1987, the Camino, which encompasses several routes in Spain, France & Portugal, was declared the first Cultural Route of the Council of Europe.
Since 2013, the Camino has attracted more than 200,000 pilgrims each year, with an annual growth rate of more than 10%. Pilgrims come mainly on foot and often from nearby cities, requiring several days of walking to reach Santiago. The French Way gathers 2/3rds of the walkers, but other minor routes are experiencing a growth in popularity. The French Way & the routes in Spain were inscribed on the UNESCO World Heritage List, followed by the routes in France in 1998, because of their historical significance for Christianity as a major pilgrimage route & their testimony to the exchange of ideas & cultures across the routes...https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Camino_de_Santiago
- Galicia, Spain: Walking the Camino de Santiago. Rick Steves' Europe, find more online.
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For me, I dived deep into introspection rather than try to avoid it. I felt I needed to figure out why I had remained in a bad marriage for so many years. I started out trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with my now-ex-husband, but then learned that it was much more important to figure out who and what *I* was.
I am now four years out from my divorce, and I'm the happiest I've been in my entire life. I learned how to be my own best friend, and I learned how to love myself. I knew I'd be just fine being single for the rest of my life.
I really wasn't looking for anyone, but a little over a year ago I met the most amazing (for me) man. A couple of times he's said that he wished that we'd met sooner, but I think that we met at exactly the right point in our respective lives.
We may not have a whole lot of years left, but if it ends tomorrow, I'll be fine. I'll still have my own very best friend with me, and that best friend is me. 
Edited to add: I'm not saying the writer was wrong about introspection. The way I worked through things worked for me, and I'd never tell anyone else that their own way was wrong. I'm very happy for her that she found her own joy.
Ruminating about the ex wasn't productive, and I knew that even when I was doing it. It was hard work to get out of that bad habit. On the other hand, learning about myself was fascinating. I guess I don't really think of that as "ruminating" because I didn't spend too long beating myself up for my mistakes. The most important thing I learned to do was to accept and forgive myself. I'm never going to be perfect, but that's okay. I'll keep trying.
That's a good article. I read a lot, watched many hours of videos, and did a lot of journaling. I even had some virtual therapy sessions.
For me, the journaling was very productive. I don't do nearly as much now, but once in awhile I feel the need.
I was cleaning up my google docs awhile back, and deleted almost all of my many journal entries because I didn't think I needed them anymore. It felt very weird to delete them, and I almost regretted it, and then I journaled about how it felt to purge them, and I was again okay.
