Pondering Religion's Absence as Son Turns 13

[cbayer]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/steph-thompson/pondering-religions-absen_b_5211216.html

Steph Thompson
Posted: 04/25/2014 2:02 pm EDT Updated: 04/25/2014 2:59 pm EDT

I have a teenager.

Yes. There is a 13-year-old in my house. With smelly armpits and the faint trace of facial hair on his upper lip. My baby is getting up there.

Terror grips me. There was no pomp and circumstance on the big birthday, April 15. For breakfast I got him his favorite mince pie from Dub Pies and a birch beer and we drove in the pouring rain to Long Island. He watched movies all afternoon with his brother as the wind rattled the windows, and for dinner he was joined by three out of four grandparents, two cousins, an aunt, a brother, parents, and a dog. The ice-cream cake was delicious.



There was no bar mitzvah, no ceremony where a rabbi and temple congregants congratulated him, no family and friends invited from far and wide. I am sad about this and, yet, here we are, a couple days away from the sleepover and paintball party that will mark my son's coming of age. There is no going back now, no way to alter the course so that he stands at an altar at 13 to sing his Haftorah.

Gulp.

more at link

[merrily]

1. Topic is bit out of my usual range, but

congratulations. He looks like a great kid and so does his brother. Love the eyewear, too.

The son of a friend had a bar mitzvah a year or two after the usual age.

He had two older brothers, maybe a ten-year age difference between him and the next youngest. Both of them had done it at the traditional time. For whatever reason, he could not face it. So, he did it when he was ready.

His parents followed a liberal form of Judaism and were very involved in the life of their temple, including doing searches for candidates to be rabbis, etc. I don't know if that matters at all, though.

So, it may not be too late, should your son have any regrets later?

[cbayer]

2. That's a great point.

In the denomination I grew up in, baptism took place at about age 13. If someone did not feel ready, there was always the option of delaying it or opting out.

And there were many adults who were baptized in the church.

If it is to be a meaningful ritual, then flexibility would be very important, including the option of not doing it at all.

[merrily]

3. Glad you found it useful.

I hesitated to post lest I post something painfully obvious to you, but it was about all I had to offer on the subject. So, I decided to risk it.

Feeling a door is forever closed, an option forever lost is not a good feeling.

[cbayer]

5. We have four shared kids in our marriage.

None of them were raised with religious affiliations.

One married a Muslim and had one of her ceremonies in a mosque. It will be interesting to see what they do when they have children.

Another is about to marry a catholic in the church and will raise his children catholic.

We shall see about the other two.

Imo, doors need not be closed when it comes to religion. Stopping the exploration may be more of a problem, as it leads to thinking that you have hold of the answer.

[merrily]

8. I know lots of people who grew up in observant homes in

various religions and lots who grew up in homes where no one was observant. I don't think that determines how kids turn out. You are obviously an intelligent and loving parent. I'd put my confidence in that route. And, of course, there is no answer. Not one we will ascertain in this life anyway. Moreover, some people who feel sure they have THE answer in religion are some of the worst examples of their faith.

I, too, would love to know what does happen with your older kids. If we both are still posting here in a few years, I hope I think to remind you to write another OP.

[cbayer]

9. Thanks so much for you kind words, merrily.

I agree that no one has the answer, but some have the answer that works for them at any given time.

Our daughter who married the muslim is saying they won't have children at this point, but they are still young and we shall see.

Hopefully we will both be around in a few years, and, in the meantime, I hope we keep running into each other.

[merrily]

10. Lovely post. Thanks.

Keep aiming that kind of stuff at your kids. And don't worry!

Maybe seeking answers with an open mind instead of the mindset your parent(s) chose for you is better anyway. Who knows?

[pinto]

6. I like this paragraph in the author's piece -

I can't say why no temple seems to offer me what I need to understand the meaning of life and to pass that on to my progeny. There are some amazing lessons to be learned in the teachings of Judaism, in the questioning. But Buddhism has its great lessons too. Jesus and Joseph Smith have both motivated a lot of people. I became a writer, I suppose, because I can see that every story has some meaning to offer. And it seems I cannot in good faith just choose the one.

Every story has some meaning to offer. I think that applies to hers as well as anyone's.

[cbayer]

7. That's an excellent argument for not limiting one's choices.

Some people do find everything they want and need in a particular faith, while others take what makes sense from many.

And belief or non-belief in a god may not have anything to do with it at all.

[merrily]

11. Excellent point; and I agree.

[Warren Stupidity]

4. Anxious about nothing.

My husband grew up with no religion, so he reassures me that our kids will be fine, upstanding citizens without it. I have to believe he is right.

Duh.