Dear Abby: Married to an atheist

[rug]

By Abigail van Buren
Posted: 05/01/2014 05:23:20 AM PDT0 Comments | Updated: about 10 hours ago

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing to support "Feeling Coerced in San Diego" (Feb. 14), who is uncomfortable attending church with her husband. I understand her feelings because I, too, am an atheist in a relationship with a religious man.

There is another option besides abstaining from church or attending only on major holidays, and that would be for "Coerced" and her husband to try a different church. One religion that embraces atheist church members is Unitarian Universalism.

UU congregations are often made up of people from different backgrounds -- Christian, Jewish, atheist and more. The focus of the sermons is on living a good life, treating other people and our planet with respect, and following one's own path to spiritual enlightenment. It's likely that "Coerced" and her husband could both feel at home in such a congregation.

CHELSEA IN WICHITA

DEAR CHELSEA: Thank you for your suggestion -- it's one that was echoed by many other readers. I have mentioned the Unitarian Universalist denomination and its website (uua.org) before in my column. Readers' comments were enlightening:

http://www.mercurynews.com/family-relationships/ci_25673910/dear-abby-married-an-atheist

[underpants]

1. Prine!!!

Siiiiigned,
Just Married

[rug]

2. You are what you are and you ain't what you ain't.

Universal advice.

[cbayer]

4. Still one of my all time favorite John Prine songs.

Just heard it on the radio the other day and cracked up all over again.

[lunasun]

26. I think I wore that album out!!! so many good ones like this

[SheilaT]

3. Some of us actually find

the Unitarians to be too religious. I'm not being snarky here. I have gone to services at a UU church and generally liked it, but there was still and undercurrent of religion, specifically Christianity, that made it not work for me.

For many others of a non religious bent it would be good.

[rug]

5. 3 out of 4 of her letters today were about atheist/believer marriages.

When Dear Abby routinely prints this, it's mainstream.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

6. UU churches vary. Some of them use Christian readings and others don't.

It's the only church I can tolerate, and even enjoy, because nobody is telling me what I should believe or else go to hell. I don't have to recite a creed of any kind. I don't have to tell anyone what I believe and it's OK, and encouraged, to ask questions and have discussions.


There are plenty of discussion groups in the place of Sunday school.

UUs draw from many spiritual and religious traditions around the world, and believe that truth and inspiration can be found in many different cultures.

Their principles are found at www.uua.org

[cbayer]

8. Were you ever able to locate one in your area?

I seem to remember a while back that you were looking.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

9. No, I live in the middle of Jesus Land.

Out in the country, at least here, there really is no social life outside of the churches.

I used to live in the city and there are lots of UU churches and fellowships there. But not out in the boonies unless it's in a college town. UUs are too liberal for rural areas. Thank you for asking.

I would have to drive 70 miles to a Fellowship so for now I'm reading Buddhism.

[cbayer]

10. 70 miles isn't that far, really.

Depends what it might offer you, I guess.

I read a book called "It's Easier Than You Think" by Sylvia Boorstein at one point in my life when it was extraordinarily helpful. You may have gone beyond it, because it's is, in fact, very easy. But it is a great book on buddhism, imo.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

11. Thanks for the recommendation.

I know Boorstein is one of the leading Buddhist authors but I have not read any of her books. I've read some Pema Chodron and Thich Nhat Han. I will have to check out that title.

Seventy miles on a 2 lane blacktop Farm to Market road with a 70 mph speed limit & big trucks is not the same as 70 miles on a big interstate freeway with lots of room to maneuver. And everywhere I go I am not anywhere near an interstate.

I really miss the Mahayana Buddhist temple in the city I attended occasionally to hear a lecture by a monk or nun on Sunday morning to the English speaking group. I think you really need to have some trained clergy in attendance to learn and understand, in a congregation. In my case it's either a UU minister or a Buddhist monk or nun.

UU Fellowships may or may not have a minister part-time. Fellowships are smaller than churches and don't have one or more full time clergypeople. One fellowship where i was the summer piano player and music director fired their minister, because the elderly founders wanted to do their own thing on Sunday morning. I'm glad that in the UU fellowship I could play secular music that fit the theme of the service, but I was told by a board member that 'this congregation isn't interested in choral music' when I started a choir. I was trying to create something positive and beautiful and all I got was griping about "this is the wrong night for rehearsal" when they really didn't want to be there anyway. Church politics---aggghh!!

[cbayer]

12. I love backroad driving, but I know it's not for everyone.

We just complete a 3,000 mile round trip through Mexico, much of it on backroads.

And they have no shoulders. In fact, they have drop-offs at the edge that can be as deep as 18 inches.

I still loved it, but not everyone would.

Maybe make an event out of it once in awhile? Go into town for dinner and get a room (check out airbnb), go to the UU, have a leisurely ride home with time to smell the roses.

So sad about your experience with the music. I am very aware of how ghastly church politics can be.

[AtheistCrusader]

13. Carbon footprint ++

I know, I know. I'm an ass.

[CanonRay]

29. I've attended UU services in different parts of the country

and some are a tad religious for my taste, and some are very intellectual. It just depends on the Congregation, but it's the first church I voluntarily joined. I figure getting water dumped on my two day old head doesn't count.

[cbayer]

7. Some interesting letters there.

I think that the suggestion about volunteering for childcare or something like that was a good one.

It's an issue that each couple and family would benefit from coming to an agreement on.

[AtheistCrusader]

14. Is this really a thing that people do?

"The focus of the sermons is on living a good life, treating other people and our planet with respect, and following one's own path to spiritual enlightenment."


What is that? Like I have no idea what that means, no desire to seek something that I am not all the time anyway, and no idea what I would be looking for anyway, or that there is something TO look for.

It sounds like gobbledygook to me.
I have no idea what that means.



I have sat through a covenant church service or three. It was quite creepy, especially the people in the front row, holding up their hands and swaying, like they were soaking up some sort of rays with their hands.. The whole thing freaked me out a bit. They looked like people in a suggestible state, the sort of people you could instruct to do just about anything. I stopped going.

I don't think there's any UU churches in my town. Not sure if it's worth driving to find one. Is there like a video of what a UU service is like?

[rug]

15. Yes it is.

I went to a Jehovah's Witness service once and it was like sitting through a lecture. I've never gone to a covenant church service but it doesn't sound like my cup of tea.

But then, I usually take a smoke break at Mass between the Homily and the Consecration. I try to sit at the end of the pew to lessen the glares I get.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

16. Maybe you should look at their principles on their website www.uua.org

UUs don't put their hands up and sway or speak in tongues or handle snakes. A lot of UUs identify as agnostic, atheist, secular humanist or pagan. It is the ONLY church I have seen where genuine discussion occurs, not forced conformity. It is also the only church I have seen which accepts that truth comes from many different spiritual traditions, not just "my religion."

A lot of scientific UUs get their spirituality from the wonder and grandeur of the universe, and the fact that we are literally made out of starstuff--elements formed millions of years ago in stars.


An example is what this guy has to say:

[AtheistCrusader]

17. I don't know what that means.

I think I don't know what spirituality is. Maybe I do, but I just classify it as awe or wonder. But if that is spirituality, what is it's antonym, and what would be the purpose of 'awe' and 'wonder' if it is also 'spirituality'.

Seems like a duplication of effort.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

18. I'd call it awe and wonder too.

I don't think spirituality requires belief in a supernatural being.

You can make your spirituality wherever you want to find it. Look at a flower and say "Ooh wow!" without implying that there's a god behind it or any causality beyond the big bang and evolution.

[sobenji]

27. This describes me perfectly at a Springsteen concert

"The people in the front row, holding up their hands and swaying, like they were soaking up some sort of rays with their hands."

Lol

[cbayer]

28. Lol! I knew that image was really familiar.

[Brettongarcia]

19. Anyone know? What's the position of the Catholic Church on this?

Can you be married in the Church to an unbeliever, or a Protestant?

[rug]

20. Yes.

[Leontius]

21. But an unbeliever or Evangelical would still be made to feel like somewhat of an outsider

in most RCC churches wouldn't they?

[cbayer]

22. I don't kneel or cross myself, so that always marks me as an outsider if I attend

a catholic service.

I also, of course, do not take communion, but there seems to be a lot of people that don't do that.

[rug]

23. There's no reason why that should be.

Judgmental prigs are everywhere but everyone is welcome.

[Leontius]

25. It's been years since I went to Mass and I never was made to feel unwelcome

[pinto]

24. My friend has gone to mass with me a few times, as a visitor not a practitioner.

She's comfortable with that. Sits through the mass. An atheist, she likes the ritual. She views it as a performance, which it is.