10 Ways A Queer Atheist Can Make It Work With Her Religious Girlfriend

[rug]

The odds of falling for a religious woman? They’re not bad. Unless you want to limit your dating pool and potentially miss out on the girl of your dreams, it’s time to learn how to play nice.

By: Cassie Sheets
October 01 2015 2:05 PM

There are plenty of queer atheists who consider their relationships a blessing, but for well over half of LGBT people, that blessing might seem a bit more literal. Despite the Christian vs. LGBT narrative in U.S. culture, a recent Pew Research Center report indicates 59 percent of LGBT Americans identify as religious, with 48 percent falling under the Christian umbrella. Hundreds of churches have opened their doors to LGBT members, lesbian filmmakers have taken on Bible scholars, and even Pope Francis has taken a slightly more progressive stance (if a wishy-washy one) than predecessors on same-sex relationships. So, the odds of falling for a religious woman? They’re not bad. Unless you want to limit your dating pool and potentially miss out on the girl of your dreams, it’s time to learn how to play nice. Here are 10 ways queer atheists can make it work with their religious girlfriends:

1) Accept that you have different beliefs.



If you’re going to spend your entire relationship trying to change her mind, just break up right now. No one really wants to hear your Dawkins quotes, but that’s doubly true of your religious girlfriend. If you can’t accept who she is, and that means all of who she is, then this relationship already over.

2) Hit the books!



Read the Bible. Read the Tanakh. Read the Quran. Read whatever texts inform a major part of who she is, and then talk to her about how she interprets those texts. Be open to seeing religious texts through her eyes. Whether you’re a devout believer, or a godless heathen like me, you can find poetry and beauty in these books. Okay, so there’s a lot of weird stuff in there too…but also poetry.

http://www.shewired.com/dating/2015/10/01/10-ways-queer-atheist-can-make-it-work-her-religious-girlfriend

[F4lconF16]

1. Hey Rug, thanks for that article.

It was a good one, and had a fair bit of useful advice.

Speaking as someone in that situation, I can say that the biggest and most important one is absolutely number 4 and 5. Sharing beliefs and talking about them is tough. It's really hard to acknowledge that the other person thinks that the foundation of your worldview is completely different. Thankfully, my girlfriend doesn't derive the majority of her morality from the church, so it makes it considerably easier when we do discuss things.

Not lecturing them isn't actually that hard. I have made it very clear that while I am sure both of our perspectives will change over the next few years, I have no intention of making her into an atheist, or expecting that of her. I refuse to even say things like "I wouldn't be surprised if that happens". It is up to her and her alone how she changes.

I've also begun attending her church. It's a fairly progressive one, so even though I still disagree with the vast majority of what is said, I at least don't feel like I will be ridden out on a rail if I announce myself and who I am (someone who is basically opposed to everything about the church and religion, in addition to being bisexual and hard left on the political spectrum). It will be harder to attend her home church, as I don't think it is nearly as accepting. I'm not sure I'd want to, either--I am learning from the pastors at this church. Getting told I am a moral abomination doesn't do much for me.

I'm doing this both to understand her perspective and because (oddly enough) it has done more to solidify my anti-theism and atheism than anything else. Just as reading the Bible taught me that Christianity has a lot that people forget about.

I absolutely unequivocally disagree that an atheist should have to attend the church or participate in religious traditions. For many of us, that is exactly why we left: to escape the hate and constant attacks by those from not just conservative bastions, but from newer liberal ones as well. To expect us to go back is almost offensive, and shows none of the empathy the article asks for from us.

Number 6 was a little much, too. Um, sorry, but my conflict of logic over mushrooms being gross but liking them anyways is not quite the same as the conflicts of logic involved in almost any religion. Not to be rude, but no. They are not equivalent at all.

I will say that this article could be rewritten to be the other way around, too. I'm lucky enough to have a girlfriend that doesn't try to force her beliefs on me, but that (at least in my experience) is almost never the case. It requires the religious person to be able to accept they might be wrong as well, and I rarely have that end well. There is a reflexive action ingrained in most people to see discussion as a challenge, particularly where religion is concerned.

Anyways, good piece. Thanks.

[TygrBright]

2. "Rewritten the other way around, too" would also be excellent.

As a believer in a relationship with a non-believer, I'm just as prone to make annoying mistakes, and no, they're not always the obvious ones.

My partner had a walk-along with me, one time (our version of a sit-down, we do serious convo better in motion, for some reason) early on, and let me know that it wasn't necessarily comfortable to be around me when I was constantly restraining myself from and/or avoiding talking about anything connected with my spirituality. "It's part of you and I love it, too, even if I don't share it or have something like it."

There's actually quite a lot that believers and non-believers can share with one another to their mutual benefit, undertaken thoughtfully and lovingly.

appreciatively,
Bright

[F4lconF16]

4. That sounds like something I really should do with her.

Thanks for the idea--it's absolutely true. I like her for all of her, not despite her religion. I've mentioned it before, but I don't know if the message really got through. I don't like the idea that she might feel she has to hide it from me. It's a big part of why I've started attending church (and maybe some study groups) with her. Hopefully she'll see that I'm comfortable with the differences, especially as we talk about it more. Still pretty early on in the relationship, but it's going pretty smoothly considering our very different backgrounds.

Glad to hear it's working for you

[rug]

3. Thanks for that direct experience.

I think she's given good advice for straight people as well.