I spoke at my younger brother's memorial service

[MineralMan]

this past Saturday. I didn't really want to, but, as his elder brother, it was expected. Despite my brother's virtually non-existent religious beliefs, his son opted for a religious ceremony, which was also more or less against our parents' wishes, but they weren't consulted on the matter.

After listening to a few other speakers who tried to soothe the audience of friends, family and acquaintances by invoking "eternal life," prayers, and that sort of thing, which my brother would have scoffed at, it came my turn to speak.

I started with a bit of my history with my "Kid Brother," and then spoke about his two children and seven grandchildren. I pointed out that all of those people carried part of my brother with them in their genetic makeup and would pass that genetic heritage along to further generations. In that way, I said, he would continue to be present, despite not being physically present. I also spoke of his values, which were many and good values, that he passed along to his children and grandchildren as his legacy. Those things had no definite end to them, and would continue as long as people reproduced and raised their children with the same values.

I continued by mentioning everyone in attendance as people who knew my brother in unique ways, and reminded them that every story they told about my brother and every memory of him they experienced also maintained his presence as part of the community, as did the plaque in the City Hall marking his terms as Mayor of his small town.

I ended by saying that, while none of that was anything like eternal, it would keep him present in some way for a long enough period of time to be practically eternal. Then I thanked everyone for coming to celebrate his life.

Then I sat down. After the service was over and all the praying was done, a number of people came up to me and thanked me for my practical, down to earth approach to the sad occasion. I thanked them again for remembering my brother.

[KT2000]

1. as it should be

some memorial services are really awful.
A woman who dedicated her life to protecting wildlife from toxic pesticides was memorialized as having "her causes."
A woman who smoked and died of cancer had religious speakers who talked mostly about her smoking habit and what it was like when she tried to quit.
One young man was required by his grandfather before death, to read a list of people he was mad at and why.

You did a good job!

[MineralMan]

8. The worst are those that have an open mic time period.

I encourage everyone to avoid such a thing at any memorial service. Invariably, some people will come up and ramble on incoherently about whatever is on their minds. I was at one memorial service where someone who had an affair with the deceased, unbeknownst to the rest of the people there, came up to the mic and rambled on in excruciating detail about her relationship with the man who was being memorialized. It was a complete surprise to everyone, especially to the man's widow. Finally, a family member came up and escorted the speaker off somewhat abruptly.

Any open mic encourages wackiness, which is generally not desirable at a memorial service. My advice to anyone setting up such a things is to not enable the wacky. It can be very embarrassing and spoil the service completely.

[KT2000]

9. per one woman's instructions

the open mic was not to be allowed. Instead, there was a raffle for some kitchen appliances - toaster, coffeemaker, etc. The shy ones who loved her were relieved and as was her style - there was some fun.

Can't imagine how someone would think it's OK to out an affair at a memorial.

[peggysue2]

2. Sounds as if . . .

you gave your brother a wonderful, fitting memorial, celebrating his life rather than his death.

This is certainly how I would wish to be remembered.

[MineralMan]

4. My brother's son, unlike him,

is a fundamentalist Christian. Really, he didn't go overboard wit the service, but it was more religious than my brother would have wished. What I said would have had my brother's approval.

It's always a balancing act. I provided a secular counterpoint that wouldn't offend anyone who was religious. My parents, who are 93 years old are simply non-religious. So was my brother.

[kairos12]

3. It certainly sounds like you remembered your

brother in a wonderful and genuine fashion. My condolences to you.

[MineralMan]

5. Thanks. My brother would have liked what I said.

I'm sure I didn't offend any religious folks either. Most people there know me to some degree.

[Rhiannon12866]

6. It sounds like you achieved a perfect balance

Honored your brother and left everyone with a good feeling, whatever their beliefs, which is a very tough thing to do. I've also spoken a funerals, both my parents, my grandmother and my closest aunt and uncle. After I did it for my Dad it was kind of expected and I know it's not easy. It sounds like you did a stellar job - and I'm so very sorry, as well.

[MineralMan]

7. I tried, anyhow.

Sadly, I've been attending far too many funerals recently. I know that comes with growing older, but I don't like it one bit. Losing my younger brother was the worst so far. My parents, who are both 93 years old, were understandably devastated by it, but seem to be past the worst stages of their grief. Still...

All too often, I'm called on to speak at funerals, and try to bring an understanding and some comfort from a non-religious point of view. The assumption often seems to be that everyone in attendance has some sort of religious belief, and most funerals and memorial services have a strong religious tone. That makes such ceremonial gatherings difficult for those who don't have strong religious beliefs or none at all.

So, if asked, I am always more than willing to speak if the deceased is someone I know well or is related to me. A bit of secular comfort-giving is always in order, I think. I've learned how to do that without causing any offence for those of a religious bent.

[Rhiannon12866]

10. I'm not religious, but if someone else is, I don't have a problem with it

I was brought up in The Church, so I'm not uncomfortable, and I figure whatever works for anyone else, who am I to judge?

And I know what you mean about too many funerals. I only have two aunts left - and they were married to my Dad's two brothers. My poor grandmother outlived three out of her four children, so it had to be worse for her than anyone. I think I'm asked because I did a decent job for my father, but he wasn't difficult, he had a great sense of humor so I tried to reflect that - and bring up a few endearing things that not everyone might have known.

And it sounds like you're asked because you have compassion - for the loved one you're eulogizing and those who need to hear something positive - to try and make some sense of it. My heart goes out to your parents. They're very fortunate to have you...