My sober conversion to atheism

[cbayer]

http://www.salon.com/2013/03/03/my_sober_conversion_to_atheism_partner/

SUNDAY, MAR 3, 2013 11:00 AM PST

Four years ago, I scaled a Pacific Northwest peak and felt the spiritual wind of no-God. I've been sober since

BY JOHN GORDON



This article originally appeared on The Fix.

I stood on a mountaintop and looked out over the sea. A thousand feet below me, eagles soared on thermals. Wind blew through my hair and I felt dizzy. I fell to my knees and cried. I didn’t realize it at the time, but this “white-light” experience was the moment I realized there was no God — I had been struck atheist.

To be accurate and appropriately less dramatic, my atheist conversion was far from immediate. It was a process that began when I got sober about five years earlier.

I finally stopped drinking and drugging at age 30, in the summer of 2004, after about 15 years of relatively high-functioning abuse. I took to 12-step recovery like a fish to water and was especially drawn to Alcoholics Anonymous’ message of a spiritual solution.

I was perfectly comfortable with spirituality. I had been exposed from an early age to a hodge-podge of spiritual ideas by Goldwater Republican parents who had baptized me Episcopalian but referenced Joseph Campbell and the Buddha in casual conversation and sent me to an astrologer in lieu of a child psychologist.

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[Jim__]

1. It's interesting that he says he still prays.

One of the main characters in Infinite Jest is Gately who lives at a rehab center and belongs to AA. IIRC, Gately is an ex-con, still sought by at least one police officer, who grew up with an alcoholic, drug-addicted mother. Gately has somewhat similar experiences to what Gordon describes. He doesn't really believe in God, but he prays to his higher power. He believes that praying to his higher power helps him to stay sober.

[cbayer]

2. The higher power concept in recovery programs is fascinating.

While some programs define it very strictly as a god, others dismiss that and allow people to define it much more broadly. Prayer, in many of those cases, may be supplication to one's inner angels, as opposed to their inner demons.

[TygrBright]

3. I really like that. May I use it?

The technical explanation for the 'higher power' role in step-based fellowship support groups such as AA relates to locus of control.

The effects of addiction in the brain remove or render unreliable the addict's 'internal' locus of control (LOC). Attempts to rely thereon, especially in early recovery, have a very high rate of failure.

But the "conditioning" of addiction (the brain's demand for the substance, and then rewarding us for meeting that demand, again and again, over a long period of time) also creates a powerful anxiety connected to relying on that internal LOC, to ensure compliance with that conditioning.

The concept of the "higher power" was an intuitive recognition of the problem and recommendation for a solution. Your internal LOC doesn't work. Your addiction has hijacked your brain. Therefore, quit trying to use it, and replace it with an external LOC, a more reliable source of wisdom and guidance for the purposes of recovery.

And of course, you naturally want that to be the best possible source, so for a believer, turn it over to the Divine. For a non-believer, there are plenty of options- the most common usually being tagged "GOD: Group Of Drunks." As in, the collective experience and wisdom of those who share your disease and have had some success in recovery. Combine that with the emerging knowledge of how addiction changes us, and how we can counter those changes and re-condition ourselves in our relationship with the drug/booze, and you have a workable "higher power" for the non-believer.

Unfortunately, the abuse and negativity that many recovering non-believers have experienced in connection with faith makes it difficult to see past the vocabulary. Some excellent alternatives are emerging, but so far the research seems to confirm the value of the "turn it over" LOC process regardless of how the semantics parse.

In that respect, the "inner angels" of the non-believer's "prayer" may be the conscious reinforcement of the positive conditioning that we learn, and adopt, in recovery.

The terms "faith" and "belief" can be argued over indefinitely, because they're semantically plastic. But the impulse, the will to believe that even though we cannot see the process, the result will be healing, is a foundational principle of medicine, call it what you will. We believe that if we keep taking exercise, eating a certain way, and taking the pills prescribed, we reduce our chance of another myocardial infarct. That belief reduces our anxiety as we comply with the regimen, and with that reduction, our endocrinology also adjusts, we pump less cortisol into our system.

But the changes are very hard, against the powerful conditioning. So-- "I believe! Help Thou my unbelief!" is a perfectly valid cry for the Atheist in recovery as well.

Those Inner Angels are there, even if they got there because you created them based on your conscious choice to learn how to recover, and your desire and will to recover. And the more you "pray," the stronger they get.

I've been really struggling with trying to write a short article on this topic and by golly, you broke the dam.

gratefully,
Bright

[cbayer]

4. Hello you! How are you?

I really like what you have written here and am so happy to see someone addressing it in this way.

Many non-believers that I have worked with really struggle with this and I think anything that can help them see it within their own conceptual framework is very meaningful.

Great job.

[TygrBright]

5. Thank you! I read more than I write on DU these days...

...especially in this group.

Between busy-ness and conflict avoidance for the purposes of my own mental health, I try to limit my level of active participation. But I still read plenty!

And yes, anything we can do to move effective recovery tools into the conceptual framework of non-believers is very helpful. Simply repeating the "spirituality isn't religion, and spiritual practice doesn't require faith," isn't very adequate.

So your insight about prayer was profoundly helpful.

Must be all that sea air blowing the cobwebs out...

appreciatively,
Bright

[cbayer]

6. Glad you are well and hear you loud and clear.

We will be taking a very long roadtrip this spring, during which I will not even read DU. Got to do it from time to time.

The sea air is wonderful right now and the tourist numbers are very low, so all is good.

I miss working with you and the rest of the team and I'm always glad to see one of my tub buddies pop in.

Stay warm, stay well and stay enlightened, my friend.



cb

[TygrBright]

7. Well, if you're roadtripping in our direction, consider a howdy stop! n/t

[cbayer]

8. I can't remember exactly where you are.

We will be generally going from LA to New Orleans to DC and back, though the route is still wide open.

[TygrBright]

9. We're in northern New Mexico, so if you're taking I-40 it's do-able, maybe!

PM for further info if it develops that way.

Would love to say howdy in person.

[cbayer]

10. I would love that as well.

We may come back that way, as I have always wanted to take my husband on the Taos-Santa Fe high road. It's one of my favorite places in the country and I have a very, very special piece of art from there and would love to visit with the artist again.

Will let you know as plans congeal. Thanks!