Overwhelmed with more than I can cope with

[Liberty Belle]

Made the decision today to put Mom in hospice; she has late-stage dementia and is in a care home. She got COVID in Dec. despite being vaxed and boosted, and while in a quarantine wing fell out of bed and has terrible pain from her injuries and is so weak she's like a rag doll. I saw her briefly but they have COVID again so back in lockdown and I can't even see her; breaking my heart.

As if that's not enough, we had to put down one of our dogs a couple of months ago suddenly and now our younger dog got injured , is hopping around on 3 legs and may need surgery. Seeing the orthopedic surgeon Monday. No clue how to pay for it if surgery is needed and even the tests are expensive.

Then on Friday the seatbelt on my car broke; it's out of warranty and over $300 to repair.

We were supposed to go on vacation in April overseas -- a surprise gift from my kids who know how stressed I've been. I don't even want to go - worried i won't be here when Mom's time draws near and scared to leave the dog alone.

Plus my daughter just announced she's getting divorced; we adore our son-in-law and are heartbroken, this probably means no grandkids as she's in her mid-30s; and she's interviewing for a job thousands of miles away.

I'm running a nonprofit in challenging financial times and am just about at the end of my rope. Not suicidal or anything like that, just can't focus on anything, wind up playing solitaire for hours because i stare at the blank screen and can't get anything done that requires any concentration. Cry at night and have trouble sleeping anyhow -- because I also hvae a bad shoulder, probably a tear but i can't get through an MRI due to sinus issues - I can't lie flat. It's been hurting for a year now, tried everything including massage, chiro, acupuncture, physical therapy, pain rubs and a steroid shot which helped for two months but now it's worn off. Now and then I'll have a glass of wine just to sleep a few hours, but wake in the wee hours and usually can't get back to sleep. I can't take narcotics - my blood pressure crashes dangerously low and wouldn't want to get hooked on pain pills anyhow as my brother is addicted to them and I know how that goes.

My husband is not helpful, he's impatient and just makes things worse.

If not for a couple of good friends to go have day trips or go for walks with now and then i think I would go insane.

How else to cope with so much stress?

[Tetrachloride]

1. Its a powerful list. Let's keep the good stuff first. your car and son in law

Call up the son in law

Ask your library if there is a school which does free or discounted repairs.

You got through the first step and listed for us

[Liberty Belle]

5. Thanks for caring.

I did talk to him; he's heartbroken; i offered to meetup to talk but he seems not to want to. He did call though to ask how Mom was doing and if we needed any help. There really isn't anything he can do, but it was good to know he cares. I think our daughter's making a huge mistake, putting career over marriage, but it's out of my hands. I sent her a long letter via email and she didn't answer; she's told us to just stay out of her business though she will be here in a couple of months for a visit. **sigh**

Car is at the dealership already and will be ready hopefully Tuesday. It's an annoyance and added expense but the least of the worries right now.

[vanlassie]

2. Sleep may be your biggest issue. If you can't get enough sleep,

everything else is worse. I went through a similar set of circumstances last year. I was trying not to nap because I needed to sleep at night. But it ended up helping me to stop and drop if I felt drowsy at all during the day. Somehow this helped me start sleeping at night after a few good snatches of sleep during the day. I hated to take anything, but I did take melatonin (3gr) for a month or so which may be a placebo but falling asleep is sort of a ritual anyway. And pain killer for that shoulder is necessary if it keeps you awake- Seriously talk to a medical or psychiatric specialist about this. Take care.

[Liberty Belle]

6. Thanks, melatonin sounds worth a try.

Right now I alternate between Motrin, a glass of wine, and a medical cannabis gummy on the really bad nights to get at least a little sleep, plus pain rubs and extra pillows. It doesn't help that my husband snores and tosses and turns, so the minute I nod off that wakes me up.

I have a papasan chair in my office at home and sometimes just crash and fall asleep in it. The stress isn't helping but I don't really think a psychiatrist can make it go away. Doctors haven't been helpful and I have to change insurance in six weeks when I turn 65 and get a Medicare supplement, so holding off doing anything about the shoulder until then. Maybe i'll get one more steroid shot for now.

I just need to get through the next few weeks, and try to focus on anything other than the problems that are out of my control.

[Ziggysmom]

10. Have you tried sleeping in separate rooms? My husband is on oxygen for severe COPD and

he coughs and snores in his sleep. I'd be dead if I had to spend nights getting woken repeatedly. The melatonin is helpful for me, too. I don't use it every night.

Sorry you have so much stress. I've gotten used to a lot the past few years as my husband became disabled and I've become his caretaker. I miss having our old life and being able to go out or travel. Then I look at the rest of the world and can see maybe I have a lot of good things to be happy about. I'm happy to come here to DU a few times a day 🙂

Take care

[Bluethroughu]

3. I'm sorry Liberty Belle you are going through so much at once.

One thing I can offer that helps me get through the focus block, is to do one major task each day, and before you know it, you can focus on your mom, dog and yourself...the vacation which is needed.

I hope things get on track soon.

[Liberty Belle]

7. Wise advice, yes setting even little goals does help.

I'm focusing on trying to get funds raised for our nonprofit, with at least a little success, so that I can step back and take a little time off when I really must, and straightening out clutter in my office, just so I feel like something is under control.

It doesn't help that our nonprofit media outlet lost a writer to death in a car crash recently, and two others took full-time jobs elsewhere due to financial emergencies, so I'm doing about 4 people's work right now. I've got a couple of writers but none as reliable and experienced as the ones we lost.

Every time I think things can't get worse, they do.

[Groundhawg]

4. Hang in there fellow human

[Liberty Belle]

8. Thanks! I appreciate the kind thoughts.

[blue sky at night]

9. on your dog's injury...

please find an alternative vet...the ones in the city charge way too much...go to a clinic that treats for less and get a referral...our dog tore her ACL and it would have cost about 3k but with a different vet to do the x-ray and still another to do the surgery we saved over half of that. Just remember to worry about what you can control, much of your stress is beyond that! Good Luck Dear!

[Liberty Belle]

12. The surgeons are all so booked up --

Originally every surgeon we called was backed up for months and couldn't even see her for an evaluation. We're told this is due to COVID staffing shortages.

So when one called with a cancellation I took the appointment, at least to get tests and a diagnosis. If they recommend surgery, we can then price shop and check availability and references. That's another stress.

Two of our prior dogs had orthopedic surgeries with the best vet in town -- but she was so booked she couldn't even see us on an emergency basis or for an evaluation for months. So that's another stress - worrying we could wind up with an inexperienced surgeon. But without something done the leg could atrophy; she's still hopping on 3 legs after 2 weeks so it's probably not a strain as we were first advised.

A friend just had a dog die in an emergency vet clinic due to a brand new vet left in charge due to everyone else out for COVID - total ineptitude killed their pet. It's the same clinic where we're going for the evaluation, though not the same vet. it's the only emergency vet clinic left within an hour of where we live and the only orthopedic surgeon with an opening for evaluation in the next two months.

So sad for all the animals not getting proper care. AS if everyone didn't have enough stress during the pandemic, now we can't even get proper care for our pets. When our last dog had a life-threatening emergency we had to travel more than an hour for help, as all 3 emergency clinics near us were either closed due to COVID or backed up 8 hours.

[LoisB]

11. I am so sorry. I don't have any advice other than do what you can when you can. Taking

walks is really good especially if you focus on the nature around you or the buildings or whatever your surroundings. I really hope everything works out and you take your trip in April - you deserve it.

[Bayard]

13. That's a lot to deal with all at once, Liberty Belle

I'm sorry.

We recently lost one of our Great Pyrenees, so I'm with you on that. Our biggest boy has had both stifles operated on now, and tied back together. Our regular vet x-rayed him, and diagnosed the condition, then referred us to a vet surgical center in Louisville, where it would have cost $3,000. My horse vet recommended another vet to us, that did the surgery for $900. When the other joint went out a few years later, we went back to that vet to have the surgery again. Very successful both times. So, it may be worthwhile to ask around for other referrals if surgery is indicated. Have you taken him to your regular vet yet?

I also have a bad shoulder, that was broken years ago. I have had a lot of crepitation (crunchies) in it since. I take ibuprofen, but what seems to help the most is stretching it regularly. Its amazing how much something like that can tense your whole body up, and you don't even realize it.

Does your husband understand he is stressing you out more? Maybe he's impatient because he's also stressed out?

Glad you have friends to lean on. And you have a ton of them here on DU.

[Liberty Belle]

17. I'm so sorry for your dog's surgery and your shoulder issues.

I've had crepitus in my other shoulder for many years from a car accident that caused permanent nerve damage. Now my other shoulder is the problem. I could deal with the first by just sleeping on the other side, but now have to prop up with a lot of pillows. Stretches do help a little and yeah, stress makes it worse.

Sometimes hubby does sleep in the spare bed in his home office but it's not comfortable due to cat issues -- one is old and has some bladder control problems so we had to put an extra litter box in there. We're coping as best we can but it's not easy -- cat also often wakes us both up at night.

He has some job stresses but needs to do better at least for now. I've told him i can't cope with any more hassles or complaints, and just can't do everything at the moment that I used to handle.

[Skittles]

14. you really need to have a heart-to-heart with your husband

he needs to step up to the plate and help you! Make him read this post - yes INDEED.

[orleans]

15. when it rains it pours. (sorry for the stupid analogy)

i'm really sorry to hear about your mom--hopefully you'll be able to see her soon

i'd let that "impatient" husband know that you'd appreciate some help with things -- let him know he's stressing you out. and send him in the other bedroom to sleep a few nights a week.

i have back issues and can't take ibuprofen -- a couple weeks ago my daughter gave me a disposable vape from the pot store and while i'm not crazy about how it muddles my energy and creativity, it really helps with the pain.

glad you've got your pals to hang with sometimes. i wish i could do more walking but ice and snow hampers my ability to get out and just move.

wishing you all the best.

[Liberty Belle]

18. On CBD and THC...

Try the chewable gummies. I take a low dose, mostly CBD, little bit of THC, a couple times a week and it does help me sleep a little more and definitely helps with the pain. Also take if I have to get through a difficult task when I don't feel well. I don't feel any muddle-headedness with that, if you have access to them.

Hope the ice and snow melts soon for you so you can get aside. Is there an indoor shopping mall where you can go walking, perhaps? Or exercise at home with a workout video?

[orleans]

19. thanks for the tip on the gummies.

my daughter buys these little chewable things --maybe i should try one of those. i'll ask her but i think it's probably too much of a high for what i'm looking for.

as far as walking--i used to "walk the track" but not since covid. and i haven't been inside a mall since before march 2020.

i can wait. it's a good temp today--lots of melting snow. (just not enuf. yet.)

[MacKasey]

16. Try going to sleep with ice pack on shoulder

I also use mineral ice and a roll on called Zim's Max Freeze