grieving a suicide death of my son
July the 11th we found my son. He actually died on the 10th. He was an electrician, but he had mental illness. 25 yes I've been working to keep him with us yet now I feel guilty as I know his thoughts were always dark. He
had bi-polar, with intermittent explosive disorder and schizo effects.
I'm am dysfunctional, depressed and grieving. Trying to do anything is just hard. Knowing this should be normal I still don't know how to handle this.
Living in Texas he was very upset with all the crazy politics worried about his children. The only thing that I think will get up and moving again is to jump in to defeat Abbott and Paxton.
Is it too soon? I'm not sure I can be productive but it's the only thing I find any passion to do.
One day at a time. Beto will be in our town next Thurs so no matter what anyone thinks I'm going.
I think doing something that benefits my daughter and grandchildren is important.
I've never posted before but this social site is the only place I'm a member. Can't handle all the others. Thanks for listening I feel a bit better for being expressive.
= new reply since forum marked as read
So glad you found DU.
Working to defeat Gregg Abbott is a worthy cause to work out your grief and pain.
May your focus give you purpose as you honor your son. His pain is gone. I will keep you in my prayers. 
He lost his son Tommy to suicide. One of the ways he survived that terrible loss was to get to work. That was when Speaker Pelosi chose him to lead the second impeachment team.
I send my deepest condolences and encourage you to be gentle with yourself. I also applaud your determination to work to turn back the toxic red tide in Texas.
Do what you can to get through each day. I think service to others is a beautiful way to process your grief.
Stop in anytime you need to chat. Our door is always open.
I can’t imagine what it has been like for you…and I’m glad you chose this forum to post about your son. It’s safe here. Battling multiple mental diagnoses is so so difficult. I’m sure it was hard for your son and I know it was hard for you to watch your child struggle.
My mother made several attempts at suicide throughout my life. When she was in a bad place, I used to hustle home from school in case she had died so my younger siblings wouldn’t be the ones to find her. She finally succeeded in leaving the planet by suicide in 2009. It is a terrible loss and there are so many emotions survivors are left with.
I wish I could hug you. I know these days are hard. I think honoring your son by making Texas a better place in his memory is so very brave.
I cannot imagine what you are going through. Please be kind to yourself.
whenever you need to unburden yourself.
May you find solace in your memories of him from happier times. You'll never, ever forget your son, but eventually the pain of his loss will subside. I know that's hard to believe, but it's true. Everyone grieves in a different way, so only you can know what your next step should be.
If I may make a suggestion, sometime when you feel up to it, you might enjoy reading Jamie Raskin's book, "Unthinkable." Mr. Raskin deals with the very difficult time he and his family went through after his son committed suicide a year ago. It's shocking that his son's death occurred just before the January 6th insurrection, so he also discusses the politics of the 2nd impeachment proceedings. I found it inspiring that Congressman Raskin was able to work through his pain and grief over his son, while also facing the awful mess in Washington, DC at the same time. It's an amazing book and I thought perhaps you might find something helpful in it for yourself.
Take care, my dear equite, and reach out to let us know how you're doing.
Beto will surely help you feel better, in my opinion.
NAMI has a lot of good information and support and bet Hospice could help also.
don't feel guilty - he would never have wanted that.
You're showing admirable strength, thinking of positive ways to channel your grief. Ways that honor your son's concerns. Ways that will benefit not just your daughter and grandchildren, but countless others.
And please take very good care of yourself as well.
Like many of us here, I've lost a loved one to suicide. All of our journeys are different. I remember wondering how I could survive the loss and also feeling horrifically guilty when life first began to have moments of normalcy, as if that meant I hadn't loved him enough. I think that the friend who told me, repeatedly, "You did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time" saved my life. If you ever doubt yourself, please tell yourself the same thing. I'm sure it's true.
If you feel passionate about volunteering to help Beto defeat Abbott and make the world better for your daughter and grandchildren, don't let anyone stop you. If you are like me, at unexpected moments something might spark tears--sometimes something as simple as a retail clerk asking how I'm doing or wishing me a good day, or realizing that I'd just laughed, which meant that for a second I hadn't thought about him. If that happens to you, don't be embarrassed. It's normal. Anyone who has ever grieved will understand.
I'm glad you found us and shared what you are going through. I hope it helps, and that you feel that you can keep turning to us. And I hope you know you did heroic work supporting your son, doing everything you could to keep him safe and alive for as long as you did. You loved him well. Some people are cursed with chemical problems with their neurology that no amount of love can fix.
🖖
I’m so sorry for your loss, Equite.
I’d guess your courage and willingness to share, and everybody else posting on this thread to offer comfort will be helpful to many others - both here and elsewhere, as well as helping YOU get through this.
So many people are hurting, and in so many different ways. Comforting and compassion are so badly needed. Sympathy and empathy too.
When you share here, there are so many pairs of shoulders that suddenly materialize to help buoy you up. I really appreciate that, personally.
Nobody should have to grieve alone.
I am so sorry. 
And I wanted to share this post, if you hadn't seen it:
I got a personal call from Jamie Raskin regarding my son's suicide
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100216988430
My heart breaks for the pain you must be feeling tho I cannot begin to imagine it.
My own mother passed away just two weeks ago, not from suicide, but from a broken hip due to advanced dementia. I still have not begun to grasp the reality of it, yet I fully understand your desire to move forward and try to make a difference on something your son was concerned about. Just be gentle with yourself and take one day at a time.
I pray for comfort and strength for you. Please know you are among friends and kindred spirits here.
for your loss.
That is a sad loss. My heart goes out to you and loved ones. May he R.I.P.
His loss has to be devastating, may you reclaim a grounded sense of peace, and hope. You are so right, take it one day at a time. We all grieve in our own way it's a process. You can't do it wrong.
It would be a positive thing to hear Beto speak and to GOTV, or whatever campaign volunteer work you feels natural for you.
The current Governor Abbot and AG Paxton, are a nightmare. I imagine there are huge numbers of the population in Texas that have ptsd, by simply being citizens there. They've got to go.
Take care, thank you for sharing about your son, he may be gone, but the love never dies. You'd be honoring him, your daughter and grand children by volunteering for Beto's campaign for the people of Texas, and defeat of the the mean spirited, greedy, autocrats.
I don't have the words, I only have love.
So sorry for your terrible loss, there are no words to express such a loss
Please continue to share. You are not alone.
Yours is a parent's worst nightmare. If working on your son's behalf gives you strength please know you are helping all of us by standing against Abbott and Paxton.
May you find some comfort and peace in the long days ahead.
Nothing you are going through is normal. You've been hit with the worst thing in the world.
Of course, you're going to see Beto. Anything that can help you for a few moments is okay.
On our front page, there's a thread from someone who got to talk to Jaime Raskin about his son's suicide. Maybe he'd talk to you, too.
We're glad you came to DU.
