Seeing The Feminist Light: An Ex-MRA Tells His Story

[boston bean]

snip:

Feminists Wanted More Than Equality

For much of my adult life, I had always misunderstood feminism, and as a consequence was deeply opposed to it. I spurned, turned my nose up at feminism, at their stories, articles or opinions. It was all “man-hating, misandric feminazi” bullshit. Feminists were the bigots, only interested in their own entitlements at the expense of men; they wanted to make women more equal then men. It was easy to spot too; all you had to do was look around, see the perks women got, were entitled to as a result of feminism. See how men were undermined, made to feel guilty for being male. From job entitlements; family laws and rights; expectation of men to protect and serve women financially and emotionally, to disparity in suicide rates of men; male healthcare; and the increasing number of girls outperforming boys in education. It was clear men were under attack from all fronts. It was clear women were getting help and a ‘leg up’ in every walk of society, while boys and men were being left behind in a wake of guilt and oppression. A simplistic way of looking at things, but simplistic is always the first way to look at something, because it’s easy; because it can avoid getting to the real route of the problem and acknowledging anything to do with privilege. I mean, hey, feminists just wanted equality added to still receiving the perks of chivalry; they wanted more than equality.

I remember how I talked to male friends throughout university and beyond about women, or, as I referred to them then, girls. I’d never treated a ‘girl’ badly, but then there was always an undercurrent of “us versus them”. They were objects, even if I loved them, and maybe they me (on rare occasions, I grant you!). The debate of consent often came up; we saw any law emphasizing consent as an attack on “lads being lads” (God I’m cringing writing this out). We joked how “we’d need to get ‘em to sign a contract before we had sex” how all the power’s now given to a girl. And yes, more often than not, the myth that if a girl woke up the next morning, regretted a one-night stand, she would just have to cry rape and the man would be guilty until proven innocent. It was another attack on men. That was how many of us viewed it, and that was what we thought of it.

Feminism Was to Blame For Destructive Male Stereotypes

You could see misandry in the media too, just take a look at advertisements on the TV, men were always made to look ridiculous, against a wise and in control woman – men were made to feel stupid and incompetent. Yet that was acceptable, as was violence against men perpetrated by women; I’d argue “could you imagine if the gender roles were reversed, they’d never allow that” and I’d naturally blame feminism for it. The “lets throw rocks at boys” t-shirt debate was feminism’s fault: man-hating at its worst. Look at how men’s bodies were objectified in adverts and on TV, whereas the same objectification of women would always be met with opposition from feminists. I’d argue how misandric programmes like ‘Loose Women’ were allowed; yet anything male orientated would never be allowed. I hadn’t bought a ‘lad’s magazine’ for a fair few years, but I always defended their existence, again countering any feminist argument against them with “what about female magazines that have half naked or naked men in them.” Any articles or columns in newspapers or magazines slightly alluding to making women’s rights an issue was simply “feminist bullshit”, even if, deep down, I may have agreed with it; my hatred was stronger than my reasoning. To me, it was one rule for women, and another entirely different and unfair rule for men. Feminism’s fault, entirely. It was so obvious.

Feminists Lacked Humour and Logic…

My anti-feminism crossed over into all walks of my life too; I’m a huge football fan, and about a year or so ago Sian Massey became the first female referee assistant in a Premiership match. The appointment was shrouded in controversy, not because of anything she did (actually preformed very well and made correct decisions) but because of the off-air comments made by Sky Sports presents Andy Gray and Richard Keys; whose misogynistic comments were nothing new to those behind the camera; but they were caught out by microphones being left on this time. I fiercely defended them and their “lads banter” (another cringe). Most of it was done online, but I would claim it was just the way lads talk to each other, it wasn’t offensive, and you women need to get a sense of humour. The defence went further, why were women allowed to officiate the men’s games when women had their own leagues, it was feminism and political correctness gone too far; is nothing sacred for men to have just as their own? There was even a group on Facebook I had joined, just to express my anger at the two presenters being sacked, and the unfair advantage given to Sian Massey. It was a hotbed of misogyny and sexist jokes. And I told plenty of them too; I had no problem with sexist jokes, they simply played on the stereotypes of each gender, nothing more. Women should just get over them like men had gotten over jokes made about them. For every sexist joke aimed at women, there is a joke relating to men too. Stereotypes should be embraced and accepted, rather than fought against.

really good read.

http://weekwoman.wordpress.com/2012/08/03/seeing-the-feminist-light-an-ex-mra-tells-his-story/

[CFLDem]

1. Thanks

Bookmarked for later.

[DURHAM D]

2. Excellent.

[hlthe2b]

3. There are so many I wish would read this...

to Richard.

[Squinch]

4. "Men are under attack!"

I love this:

" From job entitlements; family laws and rights; expectation of men to protect and serve women financially and emotionally, to disparity in suicide rates of men; male healthcare; and the increasing number of girls outperforming boys in education. It was clear men were under attack from all fronts."

That is a good summary of the most often argued MRA points. When you see them all together like that, you realize that they are either delusions or they are things that men are doing to themselves.

"Job entitlements" in a world where women make about a quarter less than men in the same job.

"Family laws and rights:" here's an interesting article about the fact that fathers, by and large, don't SEEK custody of their children. That's why they don't GET it. When they do seek it, they get some form of custody in the vast majority of cases. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cathy-meyer/dispelling-the-myth-of-ge_b_1617115.html

"Expectation of men to protect and serve women financially and emotionally:" The major breadwinner in 40% of American homes is a woman. Another percentage has a woman as an equal breadwinner, and another percentage has a woman as a secondary breadwinner. There is no more expectation of men than there is of women to provide financially. And exactly how is it that woman are showing their expectation of men to "protect" them emotionally? This "protect and serve" nonsense is a myth made by men, told to men and believed by men. Women don't figure into it.

"Disparity in suicide rates of men:" because men won't go get help at the same rate as women. So, hey, men! Change that!

"Male healthcare:" Because men don't go to the doctor. So, hey, men! Change that!

"Increasing number of girls outperforming boys in education:" So, hey, men! Study harder! Though, really, you don't need to because, better educated or not, we women will still not make as much as you when we get out of school.

If men are under attack, it is by nothing other than the myths of masculinity they choose to believe and to tell each other.

[seabeyond]

5. it is the coddling. the attack is that no longer is ego stroked on all those fronts.

they miss the coddling. and we are having none.

it was a lite bulb yesterday. i was raised, taught to coddle male ego. not expect it in return. but we were taught to coddle.

now, granted, women too are coddled in our way.

you know, the myth of the pedestal and so mysterious crap.

well.

i rejected my coddling feeling it restricting. along the way, i quit doing the male coddling. if i do not need the coddle to feel woman, i KNOW man does not need coddle to feel man.

just sayin'

[Squinch]

7. It is, but it's also the things that men insist on telling themselves and each other constitute

masculinity. They tell each other and themselves that the restricting elements of their concepts of masculinity are what women demand of them, but in fact it is what they demand of each other.

I strongly believe that the majority of these "hardships" that these men endure have nothing to do with women, and everything to do with the power hierarchy among men.

Countdown till david3600 asks some version of, "But what about Elizabeth Hasselback??1?", but really that power hierarchy, a male construct perpetuated by men on men, is what it is.

[Scout]

8. fabulous post!

been saying some of that myself for a long time, especially about child custody.

[spooky3]

6. It's long but well worth reading.

I was interested in what triggered his change in views. As a man of mixed raced he came to understand how similar male privilege is to white privilege.