I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

[In_The_Wind]

My first memory of being seduced was by my first stepmother's 26 year old nephew,
I believe there was something earlier that I am still blocking out. I was 9 years old.
My second stepmother sexually abused me and humiliated me when I was 15.

These rapes took place over 50 years ago. Nothing was done.
I was always told that it was my fault.
I left home the week I graduated from high school.

Most of my childhood was missing. I knew that I needed help trying to remember.
I went to several psychiatrist before I turned 25. Nothing made anything any better.

I was 50 before a new therapist was able to guide me to a better understanding of my life. The knowledge and the way it made me feel broke up my marriage.
We still share the same home as friends. Nothing more.
I cannot allow my husband to hold me in his arms. So I am alone.

Making peace with my demons isn't over yet.
Over the last few months sharing with the members of MIRT has helped.
My birth mother walked out when I was 18 months old. That would have made it sometime in February. This month has been one of nonstop crying for the child that no one took care of. No one protected.

I can remember telling my father that I didn't ask to be born. That he needed to take better care of me. That is something a child of 9 should never have said. Not once.
I said it several times.

Today the only person that I trust is myself. It's lonely but it's safe.

[NYC_SKP]

1. .

[In_The_Wind]

2. Yep. You are one of the few who knew some of this before tonight.

thank you

[Ms. Toad]

3. It is amazing what opening up just a little bit can lead to.

Here's to continuing to relax the grip all of this has had on you for so many years.

[In_The_Wind]

4. You helped more than all of the shrinks for 40 years Ms. Toad.

Last edited Sat Mar 23, 2013, 08:39 PM - Edit history (1)

Maybe it was because it's time to unpack all of my old baggage
so I can enjoy what is left of my life.
I certainly have not been a help to MIRT. You probably read my words in MIRT. I did say by PM to another MIRT that I am too toxic to much good to anyone right now. I did tell her that she could share with MIRT as she thought best.

The trigger for me was the thread in LBN re: the lawyer who made porn tapes of her daughter. That was the last straw. It blew out my flipflop. A call to jury duty took me where I would never have gone.

[Ms. Toad]

5. :)

Fortunately, I missed that one. Take care of yourself first! Especially with our new toys, MIRT is relatively easy to handle.

[In_The_Wind]

6. Thank you! It would not be fair to a newbie if anyone had to replace me now.

I seem to find the problem DUers without even trying recently.



Perhaps they think they can do battle with me and win.

[Aristus]

7. ...

...


...




I don't have the words...

Thank you for trusting us, and opening up.

[In_The_Wind]

8. It helps me to heal so that the rest of my life will be happier.

Thank you for continuing to show your support as you have, both here and privately.

[Sekhmets Daughter]

9. You are so brave

in this sharing of your pain, and frustration...your attempts to heal. And heal you will! Survivors... simply survive...YOU, my friend have the will to LIVE!

[In_The_Wind]

10. Oh dear. You missed the best chapter:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1266&pid=129

Pour yourself another cuppa coffee and prepare to read something you will like.

[Sissyk]

11. Hello, In The Wind!

I hear you!

[In_The_Wind]

12. Thank you. CPS did not exist when I needed them.

I'm alright. Still can't sleep alone at night for very long.

It's never okay to hurt a child.
I was an investigator for child protective services until I couldn't stop crying.

[angstlessk]

13. When I was in a different state..and it seemed people actually like me..I wanted to heal

I decided I would go to a psychiatrist and finally tell all....I remember a black out..but at the end of the session..the folks said (paraphrase) "I don't know your game, but you will never be welcomed here again"

[In_The_Wind]

15. I understand how much that hurt you. It victimized you again. I'm sorry.

Today. We would file a formal complaint against that type of psychiatrist.

It has been my observation that:
Physician heal thyself holds true in social work related issues more than anywhere else.

[angstlessk]

14. Oh my god, I can relate...there were persons in my life that I should have clung to

but I was devoid of the ability to know real love from attraction...because of what happened to me in my life..not the rape...but the response to my rape.

[In_The_Wind]

16. It's overwhelmingly painful for those who try to love us.

Only the very strong can walk by our side. I do understand.

Again ... I m so very sorry.

I needed to learn to forgive myself for not being able to forgive those who harmed me.
Love is not unconditional. Some things are unforgivable.

[angstlessk]

17. Is crying good..

This room has me in a fit of crying...I have avoided this for years..not I am sobbing

[In_The_Wind]

18. in my opinion, yes. crying can help to wash the pain from your heart.

be good to yourself. if you can eat a bit of chocolate it will help. fix a cup of tea.
when you have cried all that you can. think of something beautiful.
stay with that. and relax.

[angstlessk]

19. Has your father responded to you? I understand your distrust...

or rather your inability to tell the good guys from the bad.

[In_The_Wind]

20. My father passed away in 1972. I have no problem telling the good guys from the bad.

That is not my problem. It never was.

Women have always been my problem. With few exceptions they still are.
I fail to understand that. However I really no longer care.
I am at home in a man's world. I'm happy there.
My back has fewer holes in it from the knives of false female friends.

[angstlessk]

21. In my life men have always been my prblem..so I guess

it's a matter of your sexuality

[In_The_Wind]

22. I am an alpha female who is only attracted to men if that clarifies it for you.

[angstlessk]

23. I never thought of myself as gay until I saw a person whom I thought was a man

but turned out to be a woman...I say 'saw'..I was enamored by the person..and it did not change when I found out he was a she...I guess I stalked her..and she agreed to meet me at a per-determined place at a per-determined time..then stood me up..to show me she had no interest in me..and for me to leave her alone..which I did.

[In_The_Wind]

24. I am so sorry. imo: women can be more cruel than men.

At least that is the way it has always been for me.
Men, straight and gay, treat me with respect.
Women. meh.
There have been beautiful intelligent desirable lesbians who have flirted with me.
They also respected my feelings and became friends when I said no thank you.
It's the straight women that are my problem.

So because my happiness is what matters to me ...
I will pick a man's company over most women.

[hrmjustin]

25. I wish you healing and peace!

It is very brave of you to open up here.

[In_The_Wind]

26. If what I have learned can help someone else to heal ...

Then sharing here was the correct thing to do.

This group on DU was the last time my problems held any power over me.
I own them now instead of my problems owning me.

Thank you

[hrmjustin]

27. Listening to other stories has helped me in my healing process.

[In_The_Wind]

28. Healing belongs to all of us. Now, thanks to DU, this is the place for help.

Very recently ...
A kind DUer said if there was anyway to help me through this pain he would. My answer to him: Only I can heal myself. Just stay by my side when I need a shoulder to lean on. And then only if I ask for help. No one can fight my battles for me.
To do so robs me of my power.

I am sorry that I have lost one friend because my pain was too much for her to feel.
I was triggering things from her childhood. I wished her well and goodbye.
I understand her problem , just cannot help her.

If there is anything that I can do for you just ask.

[hrmjustin]

29. Thank you my friend.

[sigmasix]

30. childhood assault repeats itself

Adult survivors of childhood sexual assualt can end up with serious trust issues. It took me years of counseling and working on my own reaction formation caused by the rapes- but I feel like I am finally deserving of love and respect. My wife has been so important to my recovery; she taught me about true love and insists that I am deserving of it- even though I was the subject of years of rape and emotional abuse at the hands of my half sister- I am still deserving of love and being defended. My wife is my knight in shining armor- She came along at a time in my life when I was ready to just give-up fighting for a normal, loving relationship based upon mutual respect and true love. She was able to see through the self-destructive behaviors and dysfunctional emotional hang-ups to a man that was and is a good husband, father and friend. We never let a day go by without showing our love for each other. I am in awe of her abilities as a nurse, a mother, a daughter and my life partner. When I think of how fortunate I am to have her, it makes me want to be a better person. I just wish that every person recovering from childhood sexual abuse had someone in their life like Misses Sigmasix. Recovery is not a cure- it's the ability to continue functioning, even though we are survivors.

[In_The_Wind]

31. Over the years, I have learned to trust my judgment.

There is no one that I have found to trust for long.
My behavior is not the problem.
I need and want a strong emotionally man to love.
I don't think that is to much to ask.
I'm tired of being alone in my world caring for the needs of others.
It's my time for someone to cherish me .
I'm worth the effort it takes to live with a survivor.

I am sorry for what you went through.
You are one of the lucky ones to have found someone like your wife.