Is anyone here

[Aerows]

in a situation where you are TERRIFIED if your family dies? I'm a late in life baby - very late, and my parents are in their 80's.

I don't know what I will do without them, how to handle their affairs, my sister doesn't come around unless there is profit/vanity involved +1500 miles away (her husband is worse).

I love both of them so much, and while they are in good health, it gets risky at that age. I live very close by and do everything under the sun that I can to keep them from getting hurt.

I live in fear that something would happen to one of them on my watch.

[Hoppy]

1. I don't khow how to respond to the emotional problems of losing them.

Regarding the legal, if they or you have funds, call the county bar association and ask for an Elder Law attorney. Initial consult should be free or around $25.00

See if there are google resources for elder care questions.

[Habibi]

2. Making plans now can help alleviate some of that fear.

Have you spoken with them about their own wishes? I would try (repeatedly, if necessary) to have those conversations.

You should have a durable POA, be a medical proxy, and get them to think about what “end-of-life” measures they want taken.

If they haven’t prepaid funeral expenses, that would be a good thing for them to consider—although I know nobody wants to think about their own funeral, lol. Still, having it done means less stress for the surviving family members.

If you can afford it, you might want to consult with an elder law attorney and/or a geriatric care manager (actually, your parents should pay for these services, but you might need to consult them in private first). At the very least, start doing some online research into elder law/services, both in general, and for what’s available in your area.

They will die. It’s a given. Hopefully neither will be very sick and helpless much before then. But it is a distinct possibly, and the more you do now to prepare yourself (and them), the better.

It’s also vital that, as you will probably take on more management of their affairs, that you learn to set boundaries with the other stuff they seem to always want you to do. No heavy lifting. No moving furniture around. No cleaning out sheds. You will need your energy for other things. Learn to separate “wants” from “needs.”

When I was taking care of my MIL, I used to hang out at this site a lot, but it’s become rather quiet. No experts, just caregivers exchanging stories and advice.

Here’s another site for caregivers that looks pretty good.

Good luck, and keep us posted!

[PasadenaTrudy]

3. I was a late in life baby too

My parents were around 42 when I was born. I lost my dad when I was 23 and he was 65 I think. Lung cancer. He was gone 2 months after Dx. He got a Trust put together just in the knick of time. I remember when he went into the hospital one time, the Dr. asked him about "heroics." Meaning if he would want to be resusitated and he declined. I guess that was a medical proxy he signed.

Mom passed away four years ago at 88. I got her into a long term care plan in her late 60s because she had mental health problems and I knew things would get bad at the end. I was right. We used the plan for nursing care the last 6 yrs of her life. It was a great plan, that isn't even sold anymore. So, we were lucky we had it.

So, that's my story in a nutshell. Things happen and you deal with them as they come. If you can, get help from an atty. If not, you deal with probate, etc. My sister did not have a trust or anything when she died. My brother and I spent almost an entire year dealing with her estate with our atty. Not fun, but it worked out.

The more you have in writing and set up legally ahead of time the better. But if you don't, or they are not willing, you just deal with it all after they pass. There is help out there either way!

[enough]

4. Aerows, I have been reading your posts for a while, very interested because

I recently spent about a decade taking care of my parents and parents-in-law (along with my husband). They all died in their late eighties and late nineties, and we are now 70.

I sense so much agitation in most of your posts, with your mother and father essentially driving you crazy with their demands, and you feeling as if your efforts are unappreciated and your own schedule and needs are not taken into account.

In most of your posts, it seems as if you are feeling that they are taking over your life, that they feel they have the right to make use of your life, and that your wishes and needs simply do not seem real to them at all. I am extremely familiar with this feeling. I actually believe that the feeling of lack of autonomy can be traumatic to the care-giver, the feeling that the people you are taking care of have completely taken over your life. You are just starting out at the beginning of this journey.

I don't have any actual advice to give you, but I do hope that you can take time to seriously consider your situation. You often express the feeling that your own health is being threatened by your parents' demands. You have to think carefully about how much you are going to be able to do. It's very hard to do this while the demands are coming at you incessantly, but you have to do this.

Do not let yourself be simply overtaken. Think and plan. Talk to other family members and express to them what effect this is having on you. They must understand that they can't simply assume you will "do everything."

You have no idea how long this will go on. It could be decades. Very good advice to see an elder-care attorney if you can. Talk to everyone involved, even if they don't want to talk about it. And think carefully about how much you can actually do by yourself. This will be a gift to your parents, even if they never know it.

[PasadenaTrudy]

5. I agree with you!

Look into social services too. Craigslist. Something!

[pnwmom]

6. I will not be terrified, unfortunately. I'll be relieved because my remaining parent

tells me almost every day she's been praying to die. And, given her age and health conditions, I believe her.

Try not to worry too much about what will happen in the future. If your parents die and leave an estate, then you can hire an accountant and a lawyer to help you with that. There are paperback books that can lead you through the process. Most people who have to do this know nothing about how to handle a parent's estate the first time around. But we all figure it out, one way or another. So will you.

All you need now are three documents, and you find them online (or hire an attorney if you prefer). (1) Your parents might want to sign a Medical Directive (also known as a Living Will), expressing their preferences about medical treatment they do or don't want to receive. (2) Each of your parents should sign a Medical Power of Attorney giving each other, you, and/or your sister the right to make medical decisions on his or her behalf if the parent cannot. And (3) your parents should sign a Durable Power of Attorney giving you and/or your sister the right to handle their financial affairs if they both become incapacitated. That way you could pay their bills for them if need be.

Your parents, especially your father, sound very controlling -- as if they have taught you that you cannot exist without them. But that isn't true. You can. And you don't have to and shouldn't make yourself sick trying to make them happy. You can't make them happy. It's up to them how they choose to feel.

There are support groups for people dealing with issues of elder-care, often sponsored by hospitals. I urge you to find one and make use of it. You aren't alone. Other people are going through this too, and you can help each other. Good luck!