I hate to break it to you folks but...

[tk2kewl]

Last edited Wed Apr 29, 2015, 09:20 PM - Edit history (1)

half a year old but still a good one from Borowitz...

SEPTEMBER 15, 2014
[font size="+1"]Integrity Disqualifies Sanders for White House[/font]

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders’s potential bid for the 2016 Presidency was declared over, on Monday, before it even began, because of a key feature of the American political system that makes a person with integrity ineligible for the White House.

According to some experts, the electoral system has developed a number of safeguards over the past few decades to prevent someone with independence and backbone from occupying the Presidency.

“Bernie Sanders’s failure to become a member of either major political party excludes him from the network of cronyism and backroom deals required under our system to be elected,” said Davis Logsdon, a political scientist at the University of Minnesota. “Though that failure alone would disqualify Sanders, the fact that he is not beholden to a major corporate interest or investment bank would also make him ineligible.”

Because of his ineligibility, Logsdon said, the Vermont Senator would be unable to fund-raise the one billion dollars required under the current system to run for President. “The best source of a billion dollars is billionaires, and Sanders has alienated them,” he said. “Clearly he didn’t think this through.”

...

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/integrity-disqualifies-sanders-white-house

[L0oniX]

1. Got to love Borowitz.

[BrotherIvan]

2. Got it right again

Go Bernie

[djean111]

3. The part about not being able to raise a billion dollars has been very seriously given as a

really good reason Bernie will not be able to win a presidential election. Satire becomes reality.

[merrily]

20. We'll see. Meanwhile, America desperately needs to hear his voice and

no one in media was giving him the time of day until he announced he might run for President. MSNBC started to have him on, but only to support some Democratic agenda that was underway.

If Bernie told me (which he didn't) that he intended to drop out in the next 30 days, I'd still donate to him. That's how important I think his voice is.

[CrispyQ]

27. I just signed up to send him money every month.

Yes, it's going to be hard to win against big money, but I think he has a message that will resonate with a lot of people who don't vote.

[BeanMusical]

4. ...

[tk2kewl]

5. Very nice!

[BeanMusical]

6. Thanks!

[WillyT]

7. Most Excellent Post... Thank You !!!

[BeanMusical]

8. Thanks WillyT!

[merrily]

21. Cute! (I wish I could print that uniformly! Curses! Outdone by an emoticon!) nt

[L0oniX]

25. Totally cool! n/t

[CrispyQ]

28. Love it!

Especially the peace sign at the end.

[angrychair]

30. very cool

[Pooka Fey]

35. So very cool! :-D

[Zorra]

9. Nevertheless, Bernie still has the legal right to run for President. At least for now. nt

.

[AuntPatsy]

10. This should be onion material because it does not put our form of government in a good light

[christx30]

17. Borowitz is like the onion.

Headlines like:
Ruth Bader Ginsburg Asks Someone to Wake Her When Scalia Stops Talking
Kochs Defend Purchase of Scott Walker
Poll: Americans Starting to Worry About Climate Change Now That It Affects Their Lawns
Peace with Iran Could Limit Ability to Bomb It, Warns McCain
ect.
I haven't read him in years. But he's funny, and biting.

[merrily]

22. See, and I think it should be NYT and LAT, ABC, CBS, NBC and MSNBC material.

Luckily, Bernie's candidacy will make that so.

[ErikJ]

11. K& R --Only half year old not yr and a half. nt

[tk2kewl]

12. just realized that myself too

[still_one]

13. Wonder if Bernie will be on the network shows on Sunday. That would be nice and

refreshing, instead of the same people

[Omaha Steve]

14. Love it!

K&R!

[FairWinds]

15. Well I will personally kick in . .

several dollars toward that first billion.

Who's with me?

[Iwillnevergiveup]

16. MOI

and everyone I love!

[smokey nj]

18. I think I can throw in a few bucks!

[merrily]

23. I kicked in before he announced.

Our donations may help him raise money from larger donors, who hang back until they see if a candidate has support.

Early Money Is Like Yeast: It makes the dough rise. (EMILYs List)

So, if you have love for Bernie, now's the time, if you possibly can. If not, sign up at his website, like him on facebook, volunteer, all of which you can do at berniesanders.com


He will not be accepting corporate money, so he needs us.

[L0oniX]

24. +1

[Stuart G]

19. k and r...nt

[midnight]

26. kick

[blkmusclmachine]

29. Did he have anything to say about Clinton???

[Ichingcarpenter]

32. yes and it was good

Hillary Clinton Officially Begins Nineteen Months of Looking Concerned

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/hillary-clinton-officially-begins-nineteen-months-of-looking-concerned



FROM TODAY

Hillary expected to adopt all of Sanders position by noon.

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/hillary-expected-to-adopt-all-of-sanderss-positions-by-noon

[SmittynMo]

31. This is total bullshit

Bernie is no idiot. I'm sure the numbers were there for him to run. And once he gets his message out, the American public will support him in groves. Bernie is exactly what the dems need right now. Go Bernie!!!!!

And when he gets in there, you can say goodbye to Citizens United.

This is our last chance to get this country back. Clinton wont do that!!!

[rhett o rick]

39. This was Borowitz and all tongue in cheek. nm

[rhett o rick]

41. You know that this is tongue in cheek by Borowitz?? nm

[tazkcmo]

33. Love it!

Imagine watching a NASCAR race and in the field there's one car that's just blue and no sponsor's decals. That's Bernie Sanders! Run Bernie, run!!!

[Pooka Fey]

34. "Clearly he (Bernie) didn't think this through" WTF? Oh wait, it's irony ---

I just saw the /humor/ thingee. Good one.

Except for his last paragraph, which is devastatingly tragic

Logsdon said that Sanders might persist in his quest for the White House despite his ineligibility but that such an effort would be doomed to fail. “Our political system has been refined over the years specifically to keep people like Bernie Sanders out of the White House,” he said. “The system works.”

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/integrity-disqualifies-sanders-white-house

I'll go ahead and use the end of this post to remind people of the problems with electronic voting machines and other election shenanigans (AA and students shoved off voting rolls, 8-12 hour lines to vote in poor neighborhoods, vote switching as Oprah attested to on her show) that occurred in FL in 2000 with Gore and in OH in 2004 with Kerry.

Peace

[EEO]

37. Hillary Clinton Invites Bernie Sanders to Concede

Hillary Clinton Invites Bernie Sanders to Concede

::SNIP::

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari): Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton invited Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont to concede the party's nomination to her. Clinton had just finished giving a speech at Columbia University when she learned the independent senator from Vermont officially announced he was becoming a member of the Democratic Party in order to challenge her.

"I invite Senator Sanders to do what is best for America and concede the Democratic presidential nomination to me," stated Clinton. She sipped some water from a Hillary 2016 water bottle before adding, "He can show his patriotism and his love of democracy by allowing Americans to choose between me and whatever cuckcoo bananas clown the Republicans come up with."

::SNIP::

"Hear me, Bernie?" asked Clinton of her first challenger. She stopped in front of an open door to the black vehicle she had arrived in. "I will scorch the earth and make sensible policies you agree with sound like they are the worst kind of communism, especially if you go after Wall Street. I can only go so far to the left to get what I want and you do not want to be in my way."

[RiverNoord]

38. This is why he could become the next President of the United States.

Everyone's sick of gangs of rich insiders running the entire political process, and many are just as sick of the candidates that sell themselves to the insiders in order to play.

[KoKo]

40. Another Borowitz Great Satire: "Hillary Expected to Adopt All of Sanders’s Positions by Noon"

Borowitz Report
Today 9:47 am
Hillary Expected to Adopt All of Sanders’s Positions by Noon
By Andy Borowitz

PHOTOGRAPH BY ANDREW HARRER/BLOOMBERG VIA GETTY

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is on pace to adopt rival Bernie Sanders’s positions on all major issues by noon on Thursday, Clinton campaign officials have confirmed.

Within minutes of Sanders’s entry into the Democratic race, Clinton released position papers on trade, income inequality, national defense, and the environment that meticulously aped the Vermont senator’s views on those matters.

Awaking at 8 A.M., Sanders, who had planned to run to the left of Clinton in 2016, discovered that, while he was sleeping, she had already begun running slightly to the left of him.

In an online video posted Thursday morning, Clinton welcomed Sanders to the race, adding, “To those who agree with Bernie Sanders on the issues, let me say this: I am Bernie Sanders.”

Sanders, who had scheduled a speech in Vermont for 11 A.M. on Thursday, cancelled it abruptly, saying, “Hillary already said everything I was going to say an hour ago.”

The Vermont politician told reporters that now he was unsure whether he would even continue with his campaign. “I don’t know anymore,” he said, visibly shaken. “I just don’t know.”

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/hillary-expected-to-adopt-all-of-sanderss-positions-by-noon?intcid=mod-yml