March 31, 2023

Question about virgin territory: Is Secret Service protection absolute?

Former presidents receive Secret Service protection for life. We all know this.

No former president has ever faced the risk of going to prison before, either. That got eliminated for Nixon when Jerry Ford issued him a pardon.

So my question is, since we are in uncharted waters with this, is it possible that the State of New York will contract with the federal Bureau of Prisons to house him, the BOP gets responsibility for his security transferred to them from the Secret Service while he's inside, and the BOP throws him in the Florence supermax? He wouldn't be the only high-profile inmate out there. Supposedly Supermax only takes lifers, but considering how old and unhealthy he is anything past five years in the can will be an effective life sentence because he'd probably die in prison anyway.

March 31, 2023

Breaking: Trump attempts to become Buddhist Monk

LHOKA PREFECTURE — Hilarity ensued this morning as embattled former US President Donald Trump arrived on the grounds of Dorje Drak Tibetan Buddhist Monastery to, as he put it, “seek enlightenment.”

“It was quite a sight,” reported the monastery’s spokesman, who by Buddhist custom cannot be named. “We got up this morning to greet the day and were faced with the spectre of Donald Trump blocking out the sunlight. He’s standing there in the entranceway. His head is shaved, he’s wearing this robe woven from pure gold thread that probably contained a hundred square meters of fabric, he’s got a tractor-trailer with him carrying a satellite data terminal, a Honda generator, 500 gallons of gasoline, a walk-in freezer we believe he stole from a McDonald’s that had to be full of beef, six pallets of Diet Coke, and he’s screaming about how he won’t leave until we put him on the right path.”

When asked if they were willing to put him on the right path, the spokesman said, “Yeah. We put his sorry ass on a path straight back to JFK Airport. The police helped some, but he’s on the right path. We don’t harbor criminals here. That’s what the Foreign Legion is for, but he’d never get into that.”

March 31, 2023

Let's put this to a vote...

Should Hillary Clinton attend Trump’s sentencing hearing?

March 30, 2023

Breaking: remake of 1991 hit film "Point Break" announced

In this new picture, all the “Ex-Presidents” - a gang of surfers who fund their lifestyle by robbing banks while wearing masks of former presidents to hide their identities - will wear Donald Trump masks.

March 30, 2023

Here's what this indictment really does for us

It has been a long-standing belief you can’t indict a former president.

The New York grand jury has permanently put an end to that belief. Now the Georgia and Federal authorities can go after him without the fear of setting an unwanted precedent.

March 29, 2023

Marjorie Three Affairs gets her official Twitter account temporarily restricted

https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/twitter-cites-rules-violent-speech-restricting-marjorie-taylor-greenes-rcna77106

There's apparently an "Antifa Trans Day of Vengeance" poster currently circulating in Nazi circles. Twitter has been working hard to clean it off their servers. America's Second Dumbest and Most Obnoxious Congresswoman repeatedly posted the damned thing...so, they threw her in Twitter Jail for a week.

I swear...if you were to stick a flashlight up against her left ear you'd be able to read a newspaper from the light coming out her right.

March 29, 2023

Hy-Vee Hamburger Chili Macaroni Skillet Meals have been recalled

https://madison.com/news/local/company-recalls-pasta-dish-sold-at-hy-vee-stores/article_ea378879-1100-5a40-8cde-d208679d7b18.html?utm_source=madison.com&utm_campaign=%2Fnewsletter-templates%2Fnews-alert&utm_medium=PostUp&lctg=6539294&tn_email_eh1=85c9ee50e9be0c2df5e8b555d4b7ace748294b95

This recall is for 5.2 ounce cartons of the product that have a best-by date of February 8, 2024.

Reason for recall: undeclared milk in the product.

These were sold at Hy-Vee and Dollar Fresh Market stores in Iowa, Illinois, Minnesota, Missouri, Kansas, Nebraska, South Dakota and Wisconsin.

It appears the only danger is to people with milk allergies.

March 28, 2023

I had a weird thought about this school shooter

Is it possible that the shooter had been bullied all through the shooter’s time at this school…and recently ran into a classmate who started talking shit about how funny it was that they made the student’s life miserable, which pushed the shooter into a “yeah, I’ll show you” frame of mind?

March 27, 2023

One way to solve the no-gun-control problem

How we’d get Congress to agree to do it, I do not know.

In the Hunger Games movies they had these big plastic bubbles they used for the Reaping - the process of selecting a boy and a girl to be shipped off to the Capitol to get killed. Get two of those, and put every Republican Representative’s name in one and every Republican Senator’s name in the other. Every time one of them made an anti-gun control statement their name would go in again.

Then, every time we had a school shooting, they’d bring out the bubbles and draw one name from each for every person besides the shooter who got killed. Those who had their names drawn would be immediately kicked out of Congress and never again be allowed to run for public office.

One of two things would happen: either the GOP would “get religion” and work with us on a better way to stop these shootings than “more guns!” or we’d run out of Republicans and be able to do what needed to be done without them interfering. Either works for me.

March 25, 2023

Breaking: Florida bans natural conception and childbirth

TALLAHASSEE, FLA. (Spurious News Network) — “We have struck a blow for decency! Never again will Florida children be traumatized by being exposed to pornography in thei most vulnerable moments!”

This morning, Republican Governor Ron DeSantis put his signature to a bill designed to ensure no child will ever see obscene parts of the human body until he or she is within the confines of a loving Christian marriage.

This new law, which passed both houses of the Florida Legislature on a strict party-line vote, requires that all children in the state be conceived via artificial insemination and delivered by Caesarian section. It requires parents to pay for the procedures themselves as no state aid will be offered. As Julie Newton, a Republican who represents Palm Beach County, put it, “this is a child protection law, not a welfare law.”

“My constituents were troubled by the fact that every Florida child is forced to witness the most disgusting parts of their parents’ bodies at the most vulnerable times of their lives,” said bill author Samuel Francis, who represents Duval County. “These organs are so obscene no one dare speak their names, but we force every Florida child to witness them at the moments of their conception and birth. This new law will protect Florida’s most vulnerable citizens from this travesty.”

The new law makes exposing an unconceived child to any part of the male anatomy, or a child being born to any part of the female anatomy, a felony with a minimum five-year prison sentence. The law also requires that any child so conceived or delivered be surrendered to a proper Christian married couple who will raise him or her in an environment free of unholy influences.

Democrats in the state legislature were unimpressed. Mary Waterston, an obstetrician who represents Pinellas County, was outraged. “Is this what we’re wasting time on? Is this what we’ve been reduced to? There’s no way an unconceived child can see these things because they don’t have eyes and it’s dark in there. Babies are born with their eyes closed so they can’t see the birth canal, and they wouldn’t know what it was even if they viewed it in all its glory. This state has so many needs, but we took three whole days out of our schedule to work on…this.”

The bill was assured passage when John Blue, a Republican who represents Islamorada, offered an amendment to preserve the gun rights of people convicted under this law. “It’s not right that anyone who makes a mistake, even one as severe as this, be deprived of their God-given right to own as many firearms as they can get their hands on.”

The bill also bans the viewing of obscene art by persons under the age of 25. This provision is broad and unyielding, leaving the religious community in an uproar. Father Martin Upshaw, a Catholic priest in Pensacola, claims the new law will bankrupt his church. “A strict reading of this legislation, which I can only assume is how they’ll interpret it, makes every stained glass window in my sanctuary illegal. I’m not sure if I can get enough money from selling all the windows to replace them with clear ones, but I have to do it.”

Pregnant Floridians were aghast. Said Susan Eggleston, a pediatrician currently in the second trimester of her third pregnancy, “I guess I’ll be moving to New York to have this child. They’ve gone insane down here.” When asked if she was planning to return, she said, “no. There are plenty of job opportunities for me in a much better state. I fear for all the women who don’t have the options I do.”