Initech

Initech's Journal

February 8, 2016

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #14: Take My Brother, Please! Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #14: Take My Brother, Please! Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Well another Super Bowl and Iowa Caucus have come and gone. Well the Super Bowl – there were a lot of highlights and a few low lights (don't get me started on how much I utterly despise Mountain Dew's “puppy monkey baby” commercial). Congratulations to the Denver Broncos and Peyton Manning. Time to go out on a high note, Peyton! Panthers – you put up a good fight, and you can sleep easier knowing that your championship hats and t-shirts are going to be clothing Africa's impoverished children. First off, I love that Stephen Colbert took the liberty of moderating a Trump Vs. Trump panel:

There was a lot of conservative idiocy for Iowa Caucuses. Almost too much. But the biggest loser of all of them was easily Jeb! (1). The Jeb! campaign is so desperate to regain its' former glory that its' easily taking the top spot this week. And celebrate good times come on! I'm of course talking about the fact that stupid loser Der Trumpenfuror (2) came in second in the Straw Poll, but he's not taking it sitting down. Oh no good sir/madam, Der Trumpenfuror is pissed and we'll tell you all about it! At number 3 and 4, we're going to recap the Iowa straw poll and all the madness including Ben Carson flying to Florida for a “change of clothes”, the debate intro fail, Michelle Bachmann calling Obama the antichrist, and we're going to take a look at some GOP marketing fails from Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio. Returning champion Michigan governor Rick Snyder (5) falls to fifth place this week, but he's not leaving this list until he resigns or is arrested. Next, we're going to introduce you to a men's rights activist named Dariyush Valizadeh (6) and something about this creep tells me that he should be on a registered sex offender list or two. Ted Cruz (7) is getting an endorsement from a pastor who thinks that Ted Cruz was appointed by God to run the US, while a reporter who attended a Cruz rally has the exact opposite opinion. At number 8, last place contestant and current Ohio governor John Kasich (8) says that if he's elected president he'll reunite Pink Floyd. Good luck with that, John! Taking the 9th seed is the Bundy Bunch (9) who are finally behind bars, but the Malhuer occupation is far from over. Finally – the Oscars aren't the only thing committing some racially sensitive marketing fails (10). We're going to take a look at some extremely poorly planned marketing decisions including a Sacramento Kings promo fail and a Detroit ad agency's planned “ghetto day”. Enjoy! And as always don't forget the key!

[font size="8"]Jeb![/font]

Before we begin this entry, we need the appropriate music, and like my favorite podcast, read this entry in your best Casey Kasem voice. Can we get some sad Hulk music?

Jeb! has a sad. Seems he can’t even buy votes. But the sinking ship known as the Jeb! campaign is so far beyond saving that it’s almost impossible to recover. In fact Jeb! is so desperate to regain the lead in his campaign that he's resorting to get help from the one family member who he thinks can be a real game changer.

Former President George W. Bush will appear in a television ad produced by the super PAC supporting younger brother Jeb Bush's White House bid starting this weekend in South Carolina, NBC News has confirmed.

The Right to Rise ad, titled "First Job," is not affiliated with the candidate's official campaign and features the former president speaking to the camera while photos of his brother pan across the screen.
"I know Jeb," George W. Bush says. "I know his good heart and his strong backbone."

Read more: http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2016-election/george-w-bush-appear-ad-supporting-brother-n511626

Yup! It's (thankfully former) President Dim Son! *Bush impression* Vote for my brother! He he he... you'll essentially be voting for me again! He should have packed it in, after placing behind Ben Carson in Iowa. But nope, he appears to be running a reverse campaign. Roll tape!

That’s Jeb! actually instructing an audience to “please clap”. And before we go further, go back to the video. Notice that guy in the blue and white striped shirt sitting directly behind Jeb! ? He's so bored he looks like he's about to fall off his chair and go to sleep. That's how dull the Jeb! campaign really is. Here’s more:

“If you look at their records, they’re gifted in how they speak, but what about their life experience?” Mr. Bush said at Franklin Pierce University in Rindge, likening the two to President Obama, who was elected president after less than four years in the Senate. “Is there something in their past that would suggest they have the capability of making a tough decision?”

Yet there are signs Mr. Bush may still have some work to do.Speaking at the Hanover Inn near the Vermont border on Tuesday, Mr. Bush finished a fiery riff about protecting the country — “I won’t be out here blow-harding, talking a big game without backing it up,” he said — and was met with total silence.

“Please clap,” he said, sounding defeated.

The crowd laughed — and then, finally, clapped.

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/04/us/politics/jeb-bush-an-also-ran-in-iowa-may-be-pivotal-in-new-hampshire.html?_r=0

And what the fuck is with republicans and creepy, implied innuendo? Did you not catch the part of the article where Jeb! told an 18 year old audience member that he “wanted to be his first”? And in case you were wondering, no, that's not your dirty mind thinking dirty thoughts, but yes, he’s talking about voting. But in New Hampshire now, an even different atmosphere awaits the Jeb! Campaign, where a reporter described the atmosphere in the room as if he'd been in a funeral home. But what’s even sadder for the Jeb! campaign is that as I said earlier, he can’t even buy votes. *Casey Kasem voice* Here’s how you too can make a quick $50 by attending a Jeb! campaign stop in Des Moines:

Someone is paying people to attend a campaign event this afternoon for Florida Gov. Jeb Bush's lagging campaign. Or so claims a mysterious flyer that was allegedly circulated in Des Moines today.

The flyer, which was tweeted out by staffers for a rival campaign and super PAC on Monday, offers cash for individuals who show up to -- and sit through -- a Bush rally at an Embassy Suites in Des Moines, which began at noon Monday. Bush's campaign quickly denied on Twitter any connection to the flyer or the offer for cash, but did not respond to a VICE News request to discuss the incident Monday.

During the Bush event today, a heckler stood up and shouted: "We've been here for two and a half hours and haven't gotten paid yet! Where's that $50?"

The heckler was soon removed from the room, amid shouting from Bush supporters who began chanting: "Jeb! Jeb! Jeb!"
https://news.vice.com/article/mystery-entity-offers-to-pay-people-to-attend-jeb-bush-rally-in-iowa

Were these supporters thrilled to actually be in the same room as Jeb! or were they just happy to get their $50? And that shout out goes to the one person in Des Moines who showed up too late to collect their $50. I’m Casey Kasem.

[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]

Celebrate good times come on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One down, 49 to go. I’m of course talking about the fact that Der Trumpenfuror lost the first of what will hopefully be many elections. Before we get into the madness that is the Donald Trump campaign this week, first open a new tab on your browser and go to www.loser.com. Go ahead, we’ll wait.

But first, the New York Daily News is once again nailing it:

Pretty funny, am I not right about that? Well, defeat is something that comes natural to Donald Trump, but he doesn’t take it very well. In fact, he’s not taking it sitting down, and is actually going, well, batshit crazy Trump style.

After accusing Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) of "illegally" stealing a win from the Iowa caucuses, Donald Trump said Wednesday that he'll "probably" sue over the results of the vote.
Trump said this in an interview on Boston Herald Radio, that was flagged by BuzzFeed.
When asked if he would file a formal complaint over the caucuses' results, Trump replied, "probably."
"What did is unthinkable," Trump said, later stating that Cruz was a "really fraudulent" character.
Earlier in the day, Trump fired off a raging tweetstorm accusing Cruz of cheating in Iowa. Trump even suggested the Republican Party take the unprecedented step of holding a do-over election in Iowa or nullifying Cruz's results.

Read more: http://www.aol.com/article/2016/02/03/trump-i-will-probably-sue-because-ted-cruz-cheated-in-iowa/21307315/

Yes, Donald Trump is so desperate to Make America Great Again, that despite losing out in Iowa, he's threatening to sue Ted Cruz for election tampering. Somebody call the whambulance! But that's not the only thing plaguing Der Trumpenfuror's campaign. It appears that he has been using much loved music superstar Adele's music without her permission, and she responded by not just calling out Der Trumpenfuror, but all American politicians can't use her music without express written permission:

When we think of Donald Trump, we don't typically think "man who sobs himself to sleep while listening to Adele on repeat." But apparently, the super normal and totally tolerant presidential hopeful loves the British singer's music so much that he's been playing her hits at political rallies. Pshhhh, what now?
Fans alerted Adele to Trump's fan-boying when "Rolling in the Deep" was played after Sarah Palin's endorsement, and let's just say there was a general feeling of "NOPE."
http://www.marieclaire.com/politics/news/a18393/adele-trump-music-ban/

Trump must really be rolling in the deep if he's being slammed by one of the world's most loved singers right now. And how did he lose in Iowa? Why he has no idea how to run a campaign!

http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2016/02/donald-trump-explains-iowa-loss
The post-Iowa reckoning continued Wednesday morning, with Donald Trump speed-dialing into MSNBC’s Morning Joe for an awkward postmortem. Trump, who has been the Republican presidential poll-leader for months, placed second in the Iowa caucuses Monday night, three percentage points behind Ted Cruz....

“I think we could have used a better ground game, a term I wasn’t even familiar with,” Trump said. “You know, when you hear ‘ground game,’ you say what the hell is that? Now I’m familiar with it. But, you know, I think in retrospect we should have had a better ground game. I would have funded a better ground game, but people told me our ground game was fine. And by most standards it was.”...

Trump may not have had a ground game, but he proved perfectly willing to pay the pander game. In the run-up to the caucuses, he expressed hope that his daughter Ivanka Trump would give birth in Iowa, and shared some newfound skepticism about Obergefell v. Hodges, in which the Supreme Court ruled to extend marriage equality to the entire nation.

“The caucus system is a complex system and I was never familiar with it,” Trump said on Wednesday. “I mean, I was never involved with the caucus system. Don’t forget, Joe, I’m doing this for the first time. I’m like a rookie and I’m learning fast and I do learn fast, and I think we’re doing really—I think we did very well.”

Well since the primaries next head to New Hampshire, who knows what kind of lunacy awaits us? But one thing we can be sure of – Donald Trump is a loser for now! And while I hate to kick a man while he's down, but considering Donald Trump does that for a living, I will gladly make an exception! And to drive another nail into Trump's campaign coffin, the former president of Mexico says the Mexican people won't pay a dime for his "stupid wall":

U.S. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump might want to build a wall across the country's southern border to keep Mexican migrants out but don't expect Mexico to pay for it, the former Mexican president told CNBC, calling the billionaire a "not very well-informed man."

The Presidential hopeful shocked viewers in October by insisting that, if elected, he would build a wall the Mexican border and what's more, Mexico would pay for it. But Felipe Calderon, the former president of Mexico between 2006 and 2012, told CNBC on Saturday that there was no way that Mexico would pay for such a device.

"Mexican people, we are not going to pay any single cent for such a stupid wall! And it's going to be completely useless," Calderon said.

"The first loser of such a policy would be the United States," he added. "If this guy pretends that closing the borders to anywhere either for trade (or) for people is going to provide prosperity to the United States, he is completely crazy."

http://www.msn.com/en-us/money/markets/mexico-wont-pay-a-cent-for-trumps-stupid-wall/ar-BBpeJIY?li=BBnbfcL

Though if Der Trumpenfuror should make it past Super Tuesday, I think I have the perfect running mate for him - another crazy TV clown who speaks of insane fairy tales:

Trump / Supreme 2016!

[font size="8"]Straw Poll Special – Part 1[/font]

Now that we got stupid loser Der Trumpenfuror out of the way, there was so much more to Iowa that made it immensely entertaining. So much that it was nearly impossible to figure out where to start with all the madness. Like Marco Rubio caught repeating himself multiple times during the most recent debate:

But... where else do we begin, but with the guy who, as Bill Maher called him, the “Human Screensaver”, Ben Carson? Well after coming in a distant fourth to Marco Rubio, Ben Carson rushed home to Florida to grab a change of some “fresh clothes”?

Caucus night is inherently wacky and, in a year when the Republican presidential front-runner is a reality TV star, journalists covering the proceedings in Iowa surely anticipated something they've never seen before.
But surely not this.
Ben Carson, the retired neurosurgeon who briefly led the GOP field just a few months ago, announced that after voting concludes in the Hawkeye State, he will not hurry off to campaign in New Hampshire, site of the nation's first primary next Tuesday, like everyone else. Nor will he head to South Carolina, whose primary follows 11 days later.
Instead, he will go home to Florida to rest and — this is the best part — "get some fresh clothes."
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/02/01/ben-carsons-amazing-excuse-for-taking-a-break-from-the-campaign-trail-he-needs-fresh-clothes/

You can’t make a politician like Ben Carson up. His campaign will be the stuff of legend. He is Governor Dunston from 30 Rock.

But next where else do we go? Oh yeah Michelle Bachmann went off the rails and said that Obama is going to reveal that he is the antichrist!

Michele Bachmann is fantasizing about the apocalypse again — but it’s hard to tell if she’s trying to stop it or enthusiastically cheering it on.
The former Republican congresswoman appeared Saturday on the “end times” radio program hosted by Jan Markell and Eric Barger, who she warned that the Syrian civil war was setting up the biblical battle of Armageddon, reported Right Wing Watch.
Bachmann predicted world leaders were poised to grant “legitimacy to the Islamic State,” and she said Russian and Iranian military intervention in Syria was establishing grounds for a future invasion of Israel to seize its energy resources — in accordance with the biblical prophecy.
“I believe that they are positioning themselves so that someday they could invade Israel to be able to take over the vast stores of oil and natural gas that Israel is controlling,” she said.

Oh yes my friends. Heed this warning! Obama will become the antichrist! Because you know the Bible says that the dark one shall pose as creature of light. And so on and so on...

But who's the bigger threat to America – ISIS or conservatives? Well this week Newsweek paints a very grim picture of the republican party – and you guessed it – they are the bigger threat!

The problem is getting worse, although few outside of law enforcement know it. Multiple confidential sources notified the FBI last year that militia members have been conducting surveillance on Muslim schools, community centers and mosques in nine states for what one informant described as “operational purposes.” Informants also notified federal law enforcement that Mississippi militia extremists discussed kidnapping and beheading a Muslim, then posting a video of the decapitation on the Internet. The FBI also learned that right-wing extremists have created bogus law enforcement and diplomatic identifications, not because these radicals want to pretend to be police and ambassadors, but because they believe they hold those positions in a government they have created within the United States. .........

http://www.newsweek.com/2016/02/12/right-wing-extremists-militants-bigger-threat-america-isis-jihadists-422743.html

Why gee who would have guessed it? The biggest threat to America isn't Osama Bin Laden, oh no – it's actually the Bundy Bunch, who we will cover much later in this edition! Huzzah!

[font size="8"]Straw Poll Special – Part II: Electric Boogaloo Die Harder Money Never Sleeps[/font]

People say that politics is boring. Although if we had the amazing musical Hamilton back when I was in high school and American politics and history were told through rap battles, I can guarantee that there would be a lot more politicians around. Well politics is boring, but then there's the Iowa caucuses which come around once every four years and offer some incredible free entertainment that usually trumps the dull January movie slump. And once every four years they bring with them such guilty pleasures as poor marketing fails and the sinking ship that is the Jeb! Campaign which we will cover later in this edition. But first here's how you don't make an introduction:

That intro was so bad that Ben Carson - as expected - fell asleep during it, and it was mocked relentlessly on SNL. But for this part – we're going to start by explaining some extremely poor marketing fails that involve the Ted Cruz campaign. He may have won Iowa, but he is losing in the marketing department!

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2016/02/04/1480113/-Ted-Cruz-s-Logo-Hilariously-Appropriate

You know that “TrusTed” logo? The one with TRUS and TED merged, yet separated via different colors?

Turns out that when you Google “TRUS”, the logo at once becomes hilarious and hilariously appropriate:
"A transrectal ultrasound (TRUS) is an ultrasound technique that is used to view a man's prostate and surrounding tissues. The ultrasound transducer (probe) sends sound waves through the wall of the rectum into the prostate gland, which is located directly in front of the rectum."

Yup, that’s the very top Google result. Basically, it’s an anal probe.

You see Ted – we have this thing called “Google” that you can type words and phrases into and it will match words and phrases with useful articles that might contain those words and phrases. You should try it sometime. Actually I think all republicans should try it sometime.

Continuing on with the subject of extremely poor marketing fails, Marco Rubio did surprisingly well considering that he placed third behind Ted Cruz and Der Trumpenfuror. But he too is the victim of some bad timing and poor marketing. For $30 – and who wouldn't spend $30 on this bright blue Marco Rubio t-shirt that has the word “bae” on it?

(CNN)Just call him Marco Ru(bae)o.
Marco Rubio's campaign recently has been selling a bright blue T-shirt emblazoned with the Florida senator's smiling face above a millennial-friendly spelling of his last name: "Ru(bae)o."
The unusual spelling of Rubio is a reference to 2015 buzzword "bae," a trendy term of affection, and in keeping with Rubio's efforts to capitalize on his relative youth to appeal to younger voters.
Available at the Rubio campaign store for $30, the item is listed as "Marco Rubio is bae T-shirt." Bumper stickers with the spelling are also on sale for $5.
http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/03/politics/marco-rubio-bae-shirt/

But what does bae mean? Some say its' an acronym for “before anyone else”. Others think it means “baby” or “sweetheart”. But Urban Dictionary has an entirely different take:

Bæ
Bæ/bae is a Danish word for poop. Also used by people on the internet who think it means baby, sweetie etc.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Bae

Yup – two of the front runners for the GOP are now both knee deep in shit.

[font size="8"]Rick Snyder[/font]

Speaking of things that are knee deep in shit – we go back to Flint, Michigan for our ever growing coverage of Leadgate. Yeah so I added the word “gate” to the end of another word to make it a scandal worthy name. What are you going to do? Fight me about it? So we can all agree that the Flint clusterfuck is an epic fail on multiple levels, right? Well now it appears that the air in Michigan is just as toxic as the water in Flint. So what is Gov. Snyder doing about fixing this? Nothing and there’s calls for his arrest which probably won’t happen.

High-ranking officials in Governor Rick Snyder’s administration were aware of a surge in legionnaires’ disease potentially linked to Flint’s water long before the Michigan governor reported the increase to the public last month, internal emails show.

After the release of the emails, the Michigan Democratic party called for Snyder to step down on Thursday.

When Snyder disclosed the spike in legionnaires’ cases on 13 January, he said he had learned about it just a couple of days earlier. But emails obtained by the liberal group Progress Michigan through public-records requests show Snyder’s own office was aware of the outbreak since last March. At the time, others in the administration were scrambling to respond to suggestions that bacteria in the city’s new water source, the Flint river, could be the culprit.

http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/feb/04/governor-rick-snyder-urged-to-quit-flint-water-crisis-emails-legionnaires-outbreak

Gee who woulda thunk it? Why the toxic water is bringing with it – the return of deadly diseases! And yes this is something that Gov. Snyder should absolutely be arrested for. But you know what the governor is doing to help his citizens out? He’s not fixing this, but he’s giving you a 30% discount!

Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder announced a proposal Wednesday that would allocate state money to pay part of Flint residents’ water bills during the ongoing lead contamination crisis.
Snyder, a Republican, will make the case for the $30 million plan when he presents his budget next week for the coming fiscal year. Pending the state legislature's approval, his proposal would lower residents’ bills by about 30 percent until water is safe to drink, and credit their past bills going back to April 2014. Former residents would also be eligible for refunds.
“I agree with Flint residents, that they should not have to pay for water they cannot drink,” Snyder said in a statement.
The city's problems date back to 2014, when it stopped buying pre-treated Lake Huron water from Detroit as a cost-cutting measure. It began using Flint River water without treating it to prevent corrosion, and the water then wore down the system's aged pipes and leached lead from them.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/flint-water-bills-rick-snyder_us_56b2893ee4b01d80b245188e

*Gets out old timey announcer costume and voice* Step right up folks! Get your Gov. Snyder approved toxic cure all! Wait, did I say toxic? I meant tonic! It is a miracle cure all for everything from the common cold to cancer! Now you get a discount for it folks! First 100,000 Flint residents get a new shiny 30% discount for Gov. Snyder’s miracle cure all!

I give up…

[font size="8"]Daryush Valizadeh[/font]

So in case you aren’t aware of what’s going on in the world, back in Idiots #11, I covered the horrifying New Year’s Eve mass sexual assaults that took place in Cologne, Germany allegedly conducted by an anti-woman terrorist group. The country is still fuming and the local police didn’t seem to get the message. And one person in America definitely didn’t get the message either, and is actually actively trying to make that sort of thing legal. This is not funny and not OK, under any circumstances, do you get that Daryush??

http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2016/feb/2/roosh-v-pro-rape-activist-organizes-covert-meeting/
A blogger who once argued rape should be legal if done on private property has launched an “International Meetup Day” where followers are expected to gather furtively Saturday night in various locations throughout the world.

The website Return of Kings is hosting the event, promising a total of 165 meetings in 43 countries, which will all take place Saturday night. Return of Kings is run by Daryush Valizadeh, better known as Roosh V — a self-described pickup artist who sparked international outrage last year after he authored a blog post supporting “legal rape.”...

Mr. Valizadeh said on Twitter Tuesday night that the blog post was meant to be satire, but the backlash continued. Mayors in the U.K., Australia and Canada have publicly condemned the blogger, and petitions have been launched to revoke his travel rights. A U.K. petition calling for him to banned from the country before scheduled meet-ups in Glasgow, Edinburgh, London and Cardiff has surpassed 50,000 signatures, even though he is not expected to be present at those meetings. Australia’s Immigration Minister Peter Dutton responded to the controversy Tuesday, saying “People who advocate violence against women are not welcome” in the country. Mr. Valizadeh, of Maryland, said he would be joining the activists on Saturday in Washington, D.C. only....

“Up to now, the enemy has been able to exert their power by isolating us and attacking with shrieking mobs, but we’ll be able to neutralize that tactic by amassing in high numbers come February 6,” he wrote, DNAInfo reported. “I will exact furious retribution upon anyone who challenges you in public on that date.”

Does this guy not have any women in his family? And what sick, disgusting men would attend this kind of rally? I know I wouldn’t! In fact part of me wonders if this guy is on a registered sex offender list somewhere, and if not, he should probably be on one, as should most of the people who are going to be attending these meetings and want to see rape legalized. But the nice thing? The first is that they are getting trolled by Anonymous to the point where Valizadeh tweeted to his 19,000 fellow sex offenders that they should change their e-mail addresses:

http://www.sfgate.com/news/nation-world/article/Hacktivists-Anonymous-take-aim-at-legal-rape-6809402.php
When "legal rape" blogger Daryush Valizadeh (also known as Roosh V) invited devoted readers to an international meetup day, the announcement wasn't exactly met with open arms. Actually, in one instance, it was met with boxing gloves. But the threat of physical pain wasn't the only thing that scared the group into cancelling its event.

Valizadeh told members, known as "tribesmen," to be careful after the meetup announcement caught the eyes of hacktivist group Anonymous.

For years, Return of Kings has been called the "worst blog on the Internet" and a "vile troll site." They were even dubbed misogynistic "garbage" by the Ottawa mayor on Wednesday. With its fat shaming, racist commentary and degrading write-ups about women, the site's aggressive reputation preceded its meet-up announcement, prompting the hashtag #TurnAwayReturnofKings.

"Heads up to all forum members: change your emails immediately," Valizadeh tweeted to his nearly 19,000 Twitter followers on Wednesday. "Hacking group that works for media is incoming." The tweet has since been deleted.

But my personal favorite part about this is that it was met with a counter protest by a Toronto women’s boxing club:

http://www.metronews.ca/news/toronto/2016/02/02/toronto-woman-plans-to-crash-roosh-v-meetup-.html
How do you deal with a man who advocates for legal rape? With boxing gloves, according to a group of Toronto women....

Roosh, whose real name is Daryush Valizadeh, has promised to take video of feminists who crash the gatherings so he and his online followers can “tear them up” afterwards.

But the Toronto Newsgirls boxing club isn’t afraid retaliation, online or off. They’re pledging to find the meeting spot and show up in full force, gloves and all.

“Pictures will show up online of women wearing boxing gloves, and blah, blah, blah,” Howe said. “The photos of us will show women that being powerful is an option.

Great job ladies! But can you actually physically fight this guy? Or can we throw this creep in an octagon with Ronda Rousey? I can imagine it would go something like this:

That would be the shortest fight ever. Only fight to ever win by telepathy.

[font size="8"]Ted Cruz[/font]

Ted Cruz may have won Iowa, but he's still a loser, and the 2016 election is still a long way off. And he's still a loser in a lot of aspects. He's certainly the most religiously crazy, and now that Huckabee and Rand Paul are both out, he is going so far out of his way to prove that he's the more manly and godly candidate than the next. Remember this video of him eating bacon that he fired off a machine gun?

Well batshit crazy mega church pastor Kenneth Copeland thinks that Ted Cruz isn't just a mere presidential candidate – no, he's the savior! So if Obama is the antichrist, and Ted Cruz is the savior, then what does that say about these people?

Earlier this year, Ted Cruz's father and primary presidential campaign surrogate, Rafael, spoke at televangelist Kenneth Copeland's church in Texas, where the controversial prosperity gospel preacher declared that Ted Cruz has been anointed by God to be the next president.

Copeland, who believes that he can destroy the Ebola virus by speaking in tongues, introduced the elder Cruz by asserting that "I believe, with all my heart, that his son is called and anointed to be the next president of the United States."

After Cruz spoke for an hour, delivering his standard presentation urging Christians to vote in order to beat back secularism and take control of this nation, Copeland asked him to recount how the Holy Spirit had descended upon a Cruz family prayer session and convinced Ted to seek the presidency, which Rafael took as a sign that "God has raised him up for such a time as this."

Then, several church elders gathered around Cruz in order to lay hands upon him and pray while Eagle Mountain International Church senior pastor George Pearsons proclaimed that "we are in the midst right now of the new birth of this nation."

- See more at: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/kenneth-copeland-declares-ted-cruz-has-been-called-and-anointed-god-be-next-president#sthash.6lusMgqS.dpuf

But how right or wrong is Kenneth Copeland? Well he is wrong, very very very very wrong. One reporter attended a Cruz rally in Iowa and found some incredibly disturbing facts that prove just the opposite of what Pastor Copeland claims.

http://www.salon.com/2016/02/05/the_special_hell_of_a_ted_cruz_rally_what_its_like_to_spend_an_evening_with_the_gops_oiliest_operator/

Cruz is often described as “oily,” but that word doesn’t really do him justice. In fact, he’s so oleaginous he reminds one of the puddles covering the stained cement floor of a Jiffy Lube. It’s not just a physical characteristic – though there is that; the man has a sheen about him – but also one of affect. When he strides out to a rapturous greeting from the crowd and walks along the edge of the stage slapping hands with people in the front row, it feels so studied that I can picture college-age Ted Cruz practicing this move in his Princeton dorm room.

The speech is filled with the usual bullshit that no one will call him on, even in a GOP debate, because all the candidates are trying to appeal to a base that has gone beyond reason and Earth’s orbit. But it’s worth rebutting a few of the lies here, if only for the benefit of future archaeologists picking through the ruins of our civilization if Ted Cruz winds up leading it.

For economic policy, Cruz has a plan to turbocharge the American economy. It seems to go something like this:
•Repeal Obamacare
•Institute a flat tax on all personal and business income
•Economic growth!!!!!

So Ted Cruz is not the savior that the GOP thinks he is. Oh no – he's actually a sleazy snake oil salesman who's not only selling an invisible product, but selling an invisible product that is going to have devastating long term effects on America's economy. Worse than Bush. He's a graduate of the South Park Underpants Gnomes school of business economics: Step 1 – Repeal Obamacare and flat tax businesses and personal income. Step 2 - ? Step 3 – Profit!

See? Even Der Trumpenfuror has an opinion on this one.

[font size="8"]John Kasich[/font]

Politicians – especially republicans – tend to promise some incredibly stupid shit while campaigning. One such politician is dead last candidate, and the current governor of Ohio, John Kasich. At least to give him credit for one thing, he knows what music fans like, and that’s some Pink Floyd. Oh I love me some Pink Floyd. To paraphrase a quote from Homer Simpson - “He who is tired of Pink Floyd is tired of life.” And that is true if you're a music fan. But John Kasich is so far behind in the polls that he's resorting to saying stupid shit like this. Roll tape!

Republican presidential candidate John Kasich placed 8th in last night’s Iowa caucus, earning only 1.9% of the vote. But Kasich knows what the people want — Pink Floyd — and he’s prepared to offer it. The Ohio Governor spoke to CNN about his campaign today, and the interview concluded with Alisyn Camerota asking him about his favorite concert ever. “Pink Floyd’s The Wall,” Kasich replied. “Roger Waters is a remarkable artist. I saw The Wall in Pittsburgh; it was absolutely incredible. I don’t even have to think twice, it was the best. And if I’m president, I am going to once and for all try to reunite Pink Floyd to come together and play a couple songs. And since we have so much trouble in America with our finances, I’m going to start with a little song they created called ‘Money.'” Well, there ya have it! Watch below.
http://www.stereogum.com/1856977/presidential-candidate-john-kasich-promises-to-reunite-pink-floyd-if-elected/video/

Hey! Hey knows what we like, and we apparently love some Pink Floyd. I know I do! But getting Roger Waters and David Gilmour in the same room would be a near impossible feat without them killing each other. But hey… they still tour and they still play Pink Floyd songs, so its’ not like we’re missing much. I am actually going to see David Gilmour in March at the Hollywood Bowl playing behind his great new album “Rattle That Lock”, and of course he’ll be playing some Dark Side and Wish You Were Here era Floyd. Between poison in Flint, our crumbling infrastructure, and our military industrial complex getting unchecked power and government subsidies, is this really what we want our next president focusing all his power on? Besides, we all know what this is really about:

[font size="8"]The Bundy Bunch[/font]

Here's the story of a man named Ammon, who stormed onto some remote government property with his brother. Together they forgot snacks and got dildos instead. Here’s the story of a man named Cliven, who was raising up two very angry sons. Now just like their father, they all share a jail cell in a maximum security prison. And there, they’re known as the Bundy Bunch… the Bundy Bunch! OK that doesn’t have the same ring to it, but it appears that the Malheur madness might finally be coming to an end… or is it?

Well at LaVoy Finicum's funeral – here's Cliven Bundy being treated like a discount Don Corleone:

But let's roll tape on the latest statement from the Bundy Bunch regarding Ammon's arrest:

But will they get bail or won't they get bail? Both Ammon and Ryan Bundy, and John “Sworn Oath” Ritzheimer will be denied without bail:

A federal judge ordered Ammon Bundy and other leaders of the armed militia in Oregon to remain behind bars without bail at a hearing in Portland. By the Friday afternoon hearing, 11 people associated with the standoff at the Malheur national wildlife refuge in rural Harney County had been arrested and charged with federal felony offenses – and only four holdouts remained at the occupation of federal buildings.

In a packed courtroom hundreds of miles away from the wildlife refuge that rightwing protesters first seized on 2 January, prosecutors argued that the militia protesters were “flight risks” given their well-documented criminal activities and anti-government statements over the past month.

The hearing came days after police stopped Bundy and several others on a remote highway outside of the town of Burns, arresting five people and fatally shooting protest spokesman LaVoy Finicum. Six more people were subsequently arrested, including three who left the refuge voluntarily and turned themselves in to FBI officials at nearby checkpoints.

The suspects are all accused of impeding federal officers from discharging official duties through the use of force, intimidation or threats – facing a maximum sentence of six years in prison. Ten of them – including Bundy and his brother, Ryan – appeared for a detention hearing to determine whether they would be released on bail.

http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/jan/29/oregon-militia-standoff-ammon-bundy-jail-bail-malheur-national-wildlife-refuge

[font size="8"]Racially Sensitive Marketing Fails[/font]

Black History Month. That month that makes white supremacists everywhere say “how come there's no white history month?”. And if you have to ask that out loud, the answer to that question is, “yes, you're a racist”. But for this white Southern California male, one of my favorite flicks last year was the N.W.A. Biopic “Straight Outta Compton”. And you know what? It was a damn good movie, one that you can easily watch more than once, and a biopic that was actually about something other than the musicians kicking drugs and finding Jesus. It wasn't just about N.W.A., but about the cultural and social impacts N.W.A.'s music had that influenced the events of the period, notably the Los Angeles riots, and I grew up in that time frame so it was really interesting to see how everything unfolded. And how good was O'Shea Jackson Jr playing his dad, otherwise known as Ice Cube? Well in case you haven't been following the news, we're a week away from the Oscar Awards, and the Academy Of Motion Pictures has been getting some much deserved shit (don't worry, next week's edition will be devoted to tearing down the AMP) for not including perennial favorites Creed and Straight Outta Compton in the Best Picture and Best Supporting Actor categories. Well, the Oscars are not the only thing this year that are the victims of poor timing and poor taste. For exhibit A, we're going to Michigan where an ad agency is under fire for a planned “ghetto day”. Yes, this is a real thing here, folks.

Jim Palmer, CEO of Campbell Ewald, was terminated three days after the October 2015 email by an employee in the Detroit-based agency’s San Antonio office appeared in a news report, according to the holding company that owns the firm, Interpublic Group.

“Also please share with the teams that today is officially Ghetto Day in the SA, and we're inviting our Big D homeb-----s to cycle in and pop a freak with us,” the email read, according to Adweek. “Ghetto music, Malt 45s at lunch, and of course, drugs and prostitution are legal all day until close of business. Word, my cerebral gangsters.”

The employee who wrote the email also included an old picture of two African-American men posing on a trash-filled street in an unidentified urban area.

Use of the word “ghetto” has long provoked tension, most recently at the Golden Globes Awards earlier this month. The news of Palmer’s firing followed word from one of the company’s major clients that it would be taking its business elsewhere and outrage about the racially-charged email.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/ad-agency-ceo-fired-office-ghetto-day-email-surfaces-article-1.2514142

Uh… Mr. Palmer, have you not seen the news lately? You know how much turmoil is being directed at the Academy Of Motion Pictures over the Oscar choices? And yet you choose to go through with this? This is just an epic fail on about every sense of the term. Have you not heard the term “Oscars So White”? Although I do want to say that working for a place that allows 40 ouncers at work would definitely make things a hell of a lot more interesting! Tall boy? In the words of Pam Poovey from Archer, “This here’s a 40, shorty!”

Next we’re going to Sacramento. The Sacramento Kings may not be the best team in the NBA, but they have one of the better forwards in the game with DeMarcus Cousins, who was on that awesome UK team that won the championship a couple of years ago. Well, after their latest promo SNAFU that was supposed to be promoting Chinese New Year, well, don’t be surprised if DeMarcus sits out a few games in protest.

SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) -- The Sacramento Kings canceled a Lunar New Year promotional giveaway after DeMarcus Cousins complained it was insensitive on the first day of Black History Month.
The Kings were set to give away T-shirts commemorating the Chinese Year of the Monkey, which starts on Feb. 8, at the team's game against the Milwaukee Bucks on Monday night. The shirts sported the image of a purple monkey.
But according to a Facebook post, Bucks analyst and former player Marques Johnson said Cousins was discussing the matter with Kings employees before fans arrived for the game. Johnson agreed that the T-shirts could be construed as offensive
http://sports.yahoo.com/news/kings-cancel-lunar-promo-cousins-complains-203949307--nba.html

Did the Kings not consult their players before going ahead and printing the t-shirts? They probably should if they’re going to print t-shirts with a racist symbol on them.

[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8"]Bern Your Enthusiasm[/font]

How many people have been enjoying Larry David's impersonation of Bernie Sanders on Saturday Night Live this year? I know I have and I'm a huge Bernie supporter. But they definitely took it to some new heights with this mashup of the Bernie Sanders campaign and one of my favorite shows – Curb Your Enthusiasm. This is one of the best things that SNL has done in quite some time. Enjoy!

See you next week!

February 8, 2016

Former Mexican President Denounces Donald Trump And His "Stupid Wall":

February 1, 2016

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #13: Fear The Walking Bundys Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #13: Fear The Walking Bundys Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! If you or a loved one have taken the Vaxaprim Pharmaceuticals drug TTCI and have experienced the following side effects – heart attack, stroke or death, you or a loved one may be entitled to compensation. Call the law offices of Mortimer and Gas today at 1-800-BAD-DRUG. We will fight for you against the big pharmaceutical companies. Not licensed in all 50 states. Some states may be eligible for a claim but there is a small percentage of cases that actually make it to a trial. Consult your doctor for eligibility before contacting the law offices of M&G. OK enough nonsense. We’ve got a lot of conservative idiocy to cover this week, and I do mean a lot. Almost too much for one edition. First off how great was Tina Fey imitating Sarah Palin on SNL? I could have sworn that was the real thing. I’m still obsessed with that speech last week, that was magical.

By the way, someone on Youtube took the liberty of mashing up Sarah Palin’s speech with a Yosemite Sam cartoon, and the results are hilarious:

So where do we start this week? For one thing, the first spot is our returning champion Michigan governor Rick Snyder (1) who is in some deep toxic water as Flint's crisis continues to grow and mutate. At number 2 – Ammon Bundy (2) might be in custody, but the fans remain. And it's far from over – oh no, it continues to get weirder and weirder. Next, Der Trumpenfuror (3) is declaring himself bigger than Jesus, and is trolling Fox's debate party by holding his own (can you debate yourself?), and he got trolled by Harry Potter author JK Rowling. He also got a huge endorsement from the only guy in America who's a bigger racist than he is. At number 4, in this corner, we've got racism – and a lot of it! First, we're going to go to Phoenix, where a high school is under fire after a group of students spelled out the “N” word for a yearbook photo. Then we're going to Florida where during a debate about the nation's harshest abortion ban yet is resulting in some unrequested misogyny and racism targeted at single mothers. In the 5th slot, a New York Times investigation discovered that the Wounded Warrior Project (5) spent – you guessed it – no money on actual wounded warriors! Taking up the sixth spot, is none other than pharma bro Martin Shkreli (6) who's escalating his feud with the Wu Tang Clan, and everyone knows that Wu Tang aint nuthin to fuck with. At number 7, Glenn Beck is once again preparing for the apocalypse by reading to his family the delightful bed time story “Left Behind”. At number 8, North Carolina Senator Tom Tillis (8) wants restaurants to be able to opt out of those pesky health code regulations. In the number 9 spot, we're going to North Carolina and introducing you to Pastor Kenneth Simmons (9) who is encouraging his flock to leave religious pamphlets disguised as $20 bills as tips. This is a Mr. Burns level of evil. Finally for the 10th spot, we're bringing back Good Guys With Guns (10). This time we're going to Seattle where a guy who was terrified of mass shootings brought a gun into a showing of the Michael Bay Benghazi flick “13 Hours” and – wait for it – shot someone. You can't make this stuff up, folks. Enjoy! And as always don't forget the key!

[font size="8"]Rick Snyder[/font]

So just as President Obama declared Flint a federal disaster area, it seems that it's not making anything better and in fact it's getting worse. In case you forgot just how bad things are in Flint, let me show you another picture of their water and remind you that the Michigan Department Of Environmental Quality (DEQ) – declared this shit safe to drink.

And it appears that this did not just occur overnight, this might have happened as far back as 2012:

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder may have known about the Flint River’s toxicity as early as December 2012, according to a new report.

Ed Kurtz, Gov. Snyder’s first appointed emergency manager (EM), was given authority to make all financial decisions on behalf of Flint’s elected officials (as part of the controversial EM law Snyder passed early in his administration) first considered switching the city’s municipal water supply to the Flint River at the end of 2012. However, as the Daily Beast reported, Kurtz dismissed the idea after floating the proposal to the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality (MDEQ).

This detail wasn’t made public until the Beast‘s Curt Guyette discovered a taped deposition from Jerry Ambrose, the Chief Financial Officer of Flint’s EM committee, who would later become Flint’s fourth EM. Ambrose gave the statement under oath in 2014 as part of a separate civil lawsuit filed by municipal retirees fighting Gov. Snyder’s cuts to their health benefits:...

It’s still not confirmed if Ambrose and Kurtz told Snyder about the danger of using the Flint River as a source of municipal drinking water in December of 2012, since Snyder refuses to release any emails about Flint from late 2012 or 2013, when state officials were initially discussing the cancellation of Flint’s water contract with Detroit. But one Flint city administrator alleges that the decision to make the switch was made by Gov. Snyder himself. In the fall of 2015, former Flint public works director Howard Croft told the Michigan ACLU that the decision to officially make the Flint River the city’s interim water source was financial, and that it handed down from Snyder’s office.

http://usuncut.com/class-war/governor-snyder-aides-knew-flint-river-was-toxic-3-years-prior-to-the-switch/

So it's not just Rick Snyder – his whole administration might be under indictment for this. It's almost as if he channeled Homer Simpson and had the drinking bird push the “yes” button for every decision he made since he took the job (and if you remember that episode – it almost ended with the Springfield Nuclear Plant exploding thanks to Homer's carelessness).

And then taking this to a whole new level of evil, it seems that Flint is so broke, that it's forcing their residents to pay for their poisonous water – or get this – household owners will be considered in danger of child endangerment and they will literally take your kids away. This is a whole new level of evil.

Flint, MI – As the water crisis in Flint deepens, it is becoming apparent that the effects of the lead-infested water are not just a health hazard, but the situation has the potential of ruining many more lives outside of the poison issue. There is no denying that the water in Flint is undrinkable and that it is contaminated with lead and other substances, and it is clear that the government of Flint is responsible for the problem.

However, the city’s government continues to charge people for the poison water and then threatening to foreclose their home or take their children if they refuse to pay. Michigan law states that parents are neglectful if they do not have running water in their home, and if they chose not to pay for water they can’t drink anyway, then they could be guilty of child endangerment. Activists in Flint say that some residents have already received similar threats from the government if they refuse to pay their bills.

http://thefreethoughtproject.com/flint-residents-told-children-pay-citys-poison-water/#kK2dH01bfC4UvLlY.99

This just... ah!!! This is an entirely new level of shit! And yes that does involve Flint's water – which really does look like shit! This is why we can't have nice things people!!!

[font size="8"]Ammon Bundy[/font]

Well finally! Our long national nightmare is over...? There was a shootout and LaVoy Finicum, aka Tarp Man, died in a shootout, but the good news is that the feds have locked up Ammon Bundy !! Celebrate good times come on!!

But oh no its' far from over, folks. In fact its' far from over. They've got everything including supporters who, like Jake and Elwood Blues, are also on a mission from God:

Still, the heavily armed militants believe their cause is not only just, but an act of divine intervention.

“God wants us here, there’s a sense that’s beckoning and it comes from heaven,” militiaman Kelly Gneiting said. “We’re doing what’s right, we’re doing what the founding fathers would do because we’re inspired by God, also.”

http://koin.com/2016/01/20/god-wants-us-here-more-militiamen-arrive-at-malheur/

No... no, God doesn't want you there. And you're not the Blues Brothers either – you're on a mission from your gun, not god. Get it right.

And this is where they're spawning copycats:

BURNS – The protesters holding the wildlife refuge had nine ranchers in two states Saturday renounce their grazing privileges and they promise more will do so in the coming week, a symbolic step toward their avowed goal of shaking federal control of ranchland.

Meantime, the real effect is hard to tell. The ranchers say they'll keep using the federal land for their cattle. They say they may pay into escrow the modest fees -- $1.69 a month for a cow-calf pair – paid for using public land.

The ranchers' acts endorsed the view of Ammon Bundy and his armed militants at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge that federal land managers were violating the U.S. Constitution.

http://www.opb.org/news/series/burns-oregon-standoff-bundy-militia-news-updates/

Yes – we are witnessing Ranchers Gone Wild! And you too can own the video for the low low price of... a quick Google search! But it's not all doom and gloom for the Malheur madness, in fact they're fighting back Braveheart style!

As the anti-government standoff in Harney County, Ore. rounds into its fourth week, media outlets are looking more closely at some of the men running the takeover of federal wildlife buildings—militants who have 58

Both WW and The Oregonian have singled out a key figure running security: a 31-year-old man from Anaconda, Mont. named Ryan Payne.

The closest and best examination of Payne was reported nearly two years ago by the Missoula Independent. Reporter Ted McDermott visited Payne at his family's log cabin outside Anaconda, not long after Payne took a leading role defying the U.S. Bureau of Land Management at Cliven Bundy's ranch in Nevada.

The Independent found in Payne an Army veteran who had become disillusioned and saw his former superiors in the U.S. military as an "oppressor" across the globe. He became further radicalized when his Southern California dune buggy company was put out of business by the costs of emissions tests—an example, he felt, of government regulators trying to control citizens.

http://www.wweek.com/2016/01/23/montana-militant-ryan-payne-its-legal-to-kill-a-cop-whos-unlawfully-trying-to-arrest-you/

Yikes. Did I mention this guy is running for president? Yeah that guy will never win, but he might secure a cabinet position in Donald Trump's cabinet. And let’s not forget to mention the Kansas mom who took her singing sons to Oregon to entertain the madmen militia. But let's pay one last tribute to Tarp Man who has provided us with a lot of material the last few weeks:

[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]

Ahhhhhh!!!! OK here's your dollar! Don't scare us like that, please! Before we get started though, I also have to point out the latest cover of German political magazine Der Spiegel, which literally had Trump's pants on fire:

But damn, where do we begin this week? We could talk about how Donald Trump is blowing off the next planned Fox debate and hosting his own event (can he debate himself?). or we could talk about the obvious. Well the obvious would be to start with Der Trumpenfuror declaring himself bigger than Jesus – yes – while at a rally, he stated that he could shoot a man on New York's 5th Avenue and get away with it. I've been to 5th Avenue lots of times. He's not joking about that. But I can definitely joke about it because this happened:

WASHINGTON — Donald Trump, apparently concerned the deadly blizzard was infringing on his media coverage, said Saturday that he is so popular, he could shoot someone and not lose voters.
Addressing a campaign rally in Sioux Center, Iowa, Trump bragged that his "people" are the most loyal.
"I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose any voters, okay? It's, like, incredible," Trump said.
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/onpolitics/2016/01/23/trump-could-shoot-person-and-not-lose-votes/79232258/

Can’t believe he went there, though if you consider exactly how much traffic there is on 5th Avenue in Manhattan, he actually probably could (not that I’m advocating that sort of thing just so we’re clear). But Donald Trump is very actively doing his best to completely annihilate the conservative party. Just this week, he was denounced by the National Review, who had fired on all cylinders by inviting every single prominent conservative writer to explain just how toxic Der Trumpenfuror is going to be for the party should he actually take the nomination at the RNC:

Donald Trump must be stopped: That's the theme binding an avalanche of essays by conservative thought leaders — 22 in all — that the National Review sent thundering down the political mountain onto GOP voters late Thursday, along with an editorial by the magazine's editors.
With a massive winter storm expected along the East Coast this weekend, perhaps some of the 35 percent of Republicans who support the real estate mogul-reality TV star will be buried in actual snow, with nothing better to do than read all 9,000 words and change their minds.
Or perhaps they will dismiss "Against Trump" — the title of this special collection by one of the nation's preeminent conservative publications — as just another chorus of naysaying from the loathsome, out-of-touch "establishment." (The National Review did just get dropped as a debate sponsor by the Republican National Committee, however, which might help the magazine appear less establishment-y.)
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/01/22/a-yuge-number-of-conservatives-just-shredded-donald-trump-in-the-national-review/

Yeah. And how about the fact that Der Trumpenfuror is getting a shocking endorsement from the only guy in America who’s a bigger racist than he is:

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio is heading to Iowa to campaign on behalf of Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump, according to CNN and New York Times reports.

The Arizona sheriff has been a vocal opponent of the Obama administration for years and is known for his tough take on tackling crime and hardline stance on illegal immigration.

Arpaio will appear with Trump in Marshalltown, according to the Times, a month after appearing at a Trump rally in his home state.

Trump has made ending illegal immigration a focal point of his Republican presidential campaign, and is running neck-and-neck with Sen. Ted Cruz (Texas) in Iowa ahead of ballots being cast Monday.

Read more: http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/267069-sheriff-joe-heading-to-iowa-to-endorse-trump

But let’s not forget that Der Trumpenfuror is making good on his promise to end religious freedom in America and give Christianity unchecked power:

http://www.addictinginfo.org/2016/01/24/donald-trump-promises-christianity-will-have-power-if-he-becomes-president/
We all know how much conservatives love to whine about how persecuted they are for their mainstream beliefs, and continue promoting their completely skewed perception of what it’s really like to be discriminated against.

On Saturday during a speech in Iowa, Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump revisited his previous comments where he’d proposed that all Muslims be banned from coming into the United States, offering up a completely out of touch alternative scenario. Trump actually had the audacity to say that he would have had “less difficulty” if he had suggested a ban on Christians from coming into America instead of Muslims! The business mogul said to his audience at Dordt College, a Christian school:...

But for fun and to end this entry on a high note without getting too much Trump for this edition, let’s take a look at how Der Trumpenfuror got owned on Twitter by Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling:

Early Sunday morning, Rowling linked to Pierson's comment in her own tweet and seemed to suggest that the Trump spokeswoman was a "Death Eater."
Death Eaters walk among us. https://t.co/tqKq1anHpf
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) January 24, 2016
The popular children's book author was invoking villains from her Harry Potter series -- "Death Eaters" -- known for their "pureblood" fervor. Purebloods, in the Harry Potter universe, are wizards (or witches) whose mother and father were both magical. Death Eaters made it their mission to eradicate any "half-bloods" or "mudbloods" who did not come from a magical family line.
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/j-k-rowling-weighs-in-on-trump-spokespersons-pure-breeds-comment/

In this case, the death eaters are Trump supporters, or would they be called “stupid losers”?

[font size="8"]Racist Idiots[/font]

Last time we did a mega entry, was way back in Idiots #9 when we discussed a lot of religious stupidity that happened over the holidays. Well get ready because we’re on the eve of Black History Month 2016. Who has two thumbs and knows that racism is not dead in America? This guy! Well first let’s go to Phoenix, Arizona where a group of high school students who are clearly not university material (well, they might be Liberty University material

), spelled out the “N” word for a yearbook photo, and as you can imagine, the outrage machine has been cranked up way past 11 here:

A suburban Phoenix school district is taking disciplinary action after a photo of students spelling out a racial slur with T-shirts showed up on social media.

Tempe Union High School District spokeswoman Jill Hanks said Friday that the discipline process remains ongoing but six girls will be punished in accordance with district policies.

Hanks says Desert Vista High School students were wearing shirts to spell out "BEST(asterisk)YOU'VE(asterisk)EVER(asterisk)SEEN(asterisk)CLASS(asterisk)OF(asterisk)2016" for a senior class yearbook photo. She says the girls in the photo went off on their own and used their shirts to spell out a racial slur, "n---."

Someone shared the photo online, prompting calls to the principal.

Read more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/news/nation-world/article56154915.html#storylink=cpy

The gold color really makes their hatred and ignorance stand out in a crowd, doesn’t it? Next, we’re going across the country to where else but Florida? This time, while the state had been planning the harshest abortion bans in the country since Roe V Wade, and got struck down by SCOTUS quickly, a state senator has some absolutely wonderful things to say about America’s single mothers:

Republican Rep. Charles Van Zant, who sponsored the bill, argued that life began at conception, and that even zygotes were “citizens of Florida.”

While testifying about the bill, an anti-abortion activist named Paul injected race into the discussion.

“We see the destruction we’re bringing upon ourself as a nation,” Paul opined. “The Muslims, they don’t kill the babies.”

Paul noted that “white people” did not “live on an Island,” and that “the Mexicans” would propagate faster because they did not practice abortions. .............(more)

http://www.rawstory.com/2016/01/fl-anti-abortion-hearing-turns-racist-white-culture-dies-if-women-are-outside-the-home-not-having-babies/

Yes because we “kill the babies” that means that white people are all going to eventually die off. Does this guy even know how this sort of thing works?

And in case this doesn’t get too racist, here’s some transphobia courtesy of Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson:

Jeremy Clarkson has understandably provoked anger after making insensitive and bigoted comments about the trans* community.

The former Top Gear star has compared “men who want to be women” as “ladyboys” and mocked transgender people as “nothing more than a punchline”.

Jeremy even went as far as to compare those struggling with their gender identity to those with a “Napoleon’s complex”, saying that children who were born in the wrong gender are simply playing at pretending.
http://news.yahoo.com/jeremy-clarkson-transgender-women-are-ladyboys-153255010.html

Boy Cartman is really excited about that prospect, isn’t he?

[font size="8"]The Wounded Warrior Project[/font]

So one thing everyone in this country can agree on – liberal or conservative, Rams or Raiders, Bud Light vs. Miller Light, is that the people who are willing to sacrifice themselves for the greater good of this country and come home from combat with a missing limb or other health problems are the greatest Americans in the country, is that not correct? If you don’t agree with that, you should definitely get the hell out. Well, you may have noticed this charity called the “Wounded Warrior Project” advertising during your favorite sporting event of choice. Here’s one of their commercials:

Pretty freaking depressing, am I not right? Well after this you won’t cry after seeing those ads anymore. Instead, your blood is probably going to boil. Because as you may know, the WWP has not been, well, truthful about the money that has been coming into the organization and what they’ve been spending it on. The New York Times explains:

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/01/28/us/wounded-warrior-project-spends-lavishly-on-itself-ex-employees-say.html?_r=0
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — In early 2014, after 10 years of rapid growth, the charity Wounded Warrior Project flew its roughly 500 employees to Colorado Springs for an “all hands” meeting at the five-star Broadmoor hotel.

They were celebrating their biggest year yet: $225 million raised and a work force that had nearly doubled in just a year. On the opening night, before three days of strategy sessions and team-building field trips, the staff gathered in the hotel courtyard. Suddenly, a spotlight focused on a 10-story bell tower where the chief executive, Steven Nardizzi, stepped off the edge and rappelled down toward the cheering crowd.

That evening is emblematic of the polished and well-financed image cultivated by the Wounded Warrior Project, the country’s largest and fastest-growing veterans charity.

Since its inception in 2003 as a basement operation handing out backpacks to wounded war veterans, the charity has evolved into a fund-raising giant, taking in more than $372 million in 2015 alone — largely through small donations from people over 65.....It has spent millions a year on travel, dinners, hotels and conferences that often seemed more lavish than appropriate, more than four dozen current and former employees said in interviews. Former workers recounted buying business-class seats and regularly jetting around the country for minor meetings, or staying in $500-per-night hotel rooms....

Kind of makes me wish I had access to the resources and equipment John Oliver has because I would love to make a commercial mocking these asshats. But in case you were wondering, after a $225 million surplus in 2014, the charity spent less than what the IRS requires charities to spend on their cause, and a whopping $130 million on itself which included things like:

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/01/28/us/wounded-warrior-project-spends-lavishly-on-itself-ex-employees-say.html?_r=0
The organization has also spent hundreds of thousands of dollars in recent years on public relations and lobbying campaigns to deflect criticism of its spending and to fight legislative efforts to restrict how much nonprofits spend on overhead.

About 40 percent of the organization’s donations in 2014 were spent on its overhead, or about $124 million, according to the charity-rating group Charity Navigator. While that percentage, which includes administrative expenses and marketing costs, is not as much as for some groups, it is far more than for many veterans charities, including the Semper Fi Fund, a wounded-veterans group that spent about 8 percent of donations on overhead. As a result, some philanthropic watchdog groups have criticized the Wounded Warrior Project for spending too heavily on itself.

Some of its own employees have criticized it, too. During five years with the Wounded Warrior Project, William Chick, a former supervisor, said of the charity, “It slowly had less focus on veterans and more on raising money and protecting the organization.”....

So the next time you give money to a charity like that, you might want to take a look at who really runs it because these fucking douchebags should be dragged on their ass the same way Martin Shkreli was.

[font size="8"]Martin Shkreli [/font]

Speaking of Martin Shkreli, former billionaire pharmaceutical CEO and current cover model for orange jumpsuits everywhere, Pharma-Douche is back in the news for being, well, Pharma-Douche. So now he's taking the Marshawn Lynch defense of “I'm just doing this so I dont get fined.”. Well no shit! Of course you take the fifth when you're being indicted by the federal government for fraud. But screwing over people who can't afford the basic medication they need to survive is one of the lowest lows ever, and you can't pull the Marshawn Lynch defense over this. Sorry, well, it should not work that way!

Shkreli’s lawyers asked U.S. District Judge Kiyo Matsumoto in Brooklyn to step in after the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee issued the former executive a subpoena to testify at the Jan. 26 hearing on drug pricing. The panel warned it would pursue criminal contempt charges against him if he does not show up.

The kerfuffle with Congress has a certain academic feel, as Shkreli has already said that he would invoke his Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination and refuse to answer questions from lawmakers. His appeal to the New York judge refers to the terms of Shkreli’s $5 million bail package, which bar him from any travel. Shkreli’s lawyers asked the judge to quash or delay the congressional subpoena “if the court decides that Mr. Shkreli may not leave the Eastern and Southern Districts of New York in order to attend the committee hearing,” according to the filing.

With characteristic flair, Shkreli appears to be doing his best to irritate members of Congress. On Friday he tweeted to lawmakers: “You want me to go to DC to just say ‘I plead the 5th’? For your entertainment?” ...............(more)

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2016-01-25/mr-shkreli-goes-to-washington-and-mocks-ghostface-killah

Wow. Colossal dick move there, Shkreli. You don't fuck with the Wu Tang Clan, and you know what they did to you last time. Oh wait – here's where he's threatening to destroy the only existing copy of the Wu's one-off pressing of “Once Upon A Time In Shaolin”.

The Pharmadouche strikes again. When it was revealed that Martin Shkreli, the jack-ass pharmaceutical CEO infamous for his price-gouging of an AIDs medication, was the mysterious buyer who dropped $2 million on the one-of-a-kind Wu-Tang Clan album Once Upon A Time In Shaolin, we all let out a collective groan. When Shkreli was arrested by the FBI on ponzi scheme allegations, we rejoiced. Perhaps now the album would finally see a chance at release, even if it came because the smug scumbag had to sell it to pay off legal fees.

Well, leave it to the world’s most loathsome man to spit in our faces. During an interview for a Vice profile with Allie Conti, Shkreli had the record playing in the background. Apparently the first time he’d actually played the thing, he told Conti he “vacillates between wanting to destroy the record and dreaming of installing it in some remote place so that people have to make a spiritual quest to listen.” While the latter of those two options has at least a bit of mystique to it, either one is incredibly douchey.

And if you think Shkreli isn’t proud of that fact, you’re wrong. As he stated in the Vice piece, he actually wants the world to hate him, as if he gets a kick out of the whole thing. “I’m not just the heel of the music world,” he said, using pro-wrestling vernacular for “bad guy,” “I want to be the world’s heel.” It sucks that we’re giving in to his desires, but it’s just so easy to hate on this jerk.

http://consequenceofsound.net/2016/01/pharmadouche-martin-shkreli-threatens-to-destroy-wu-tang-album/

Yes it is really easy to hate this guy, because he makes himself hateable. He's like mega billionaire Saudi Prince Alaweed bin Talal, only without charisma, or the Saudi Royal Family, he's just a douchebag who's charging an insane amount of money for an every day medication. But you know what? He won't be a customer of Wu Tang Financial any time soon, and if it is true that there's a clause in their contract of sale that says that the Wu can pull off a heist and steal the album back (See Idiots #4 ), now is the time to do it! You can own this douche and you would be enshrined in the internet hall of fame! Wu Tang Clan ain't nuthin to fuck with! Wu Tang Clan aint' nuthin to fuck with! Wu Tang Clan aint nuthin to fuck with!

[font size="8"]Glenn Beck[/font]

Ultra conservatives are extremely paranoid at the thought of American society collapsing into the abyss. Ted Cruz is certainly an offender. In fact I was originally going to make this entry about Cruz, but this is too damn good to leave off. So Glenn Beck… we can all agree is one of the most batshit crazy conspiracy theorists on the planet right? I mean his comparisons of the US to Nazi Germany actually aren’t too far off if Donald Trump were to ever assume the presidency. But Glenn takes what Alex Jones says and adds a dash of batshit crazy insanity to the mix. Any parent on this board has probably read to their kids at some point right? Well… Glenn Beck is reading this to his kids.

http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/glenn-beck-readies-read-his-children-left-behind-and-move-operations-israel-preparation-loom
Glenn Beck hosted a studio audience on his television program last night, where he revealed that he has ordered his staff to find a location outside of the United States from which he can continue to broadcast his programs once American society collapses and the government shuts down his network.

Beck fielded a question from a woman who had relocated her family from California to Texas based upon Beck's warnings of a coming social collapse and wanted Beck's advice on how best to prepare her children for what is to come, to which Beck responded that he and his wife are going to start reading the apocalyptic "Left Behind" series to their own children in preparation for the End Times.

Beck revealed that he recently had conversations with two different people who warned that the American economy and social structure are on the verge of total collapse, which prompted him to tell his staff to get to work finding a location in Israel to which they can flee when it happens.

"We have to pick up our pace on finding another place to broadcast," Beck told his staff. "I need to know if I can get to Jerusalem, where they won't shut this down and we can be able to broadcast into the United States. This could end quickly."

Yes, he is preparing his wife and kids by reading to them the charming tale of fire, death, destruction, and rule by Satan known as “Left Behind”. My parents read me “Green Eggs and Ham”. Wow. But then he ups the ante by announcing that he’s going to be moving operations to Isreal once American society collapses. OK… this raises a lot of questions like mainly why? That’s the biggest one. Is it possible we can send him on a permanent vacation there or revoke his broadcasting license? I just hope he doesn’t have movie time planned for after he reads his kids “Left Behind”.

That movie by the way earned Nicholas Cage a Razzie Award last year.

[font size="8"]Tom Tillis[/font]

So with the latest outbreak of a killer virus that is rapidly spreading called the Zika virus, I think a certain senator from North Carolina needs some first grade reeducation. So Tom Tillis (R-Idiot), believes that restaurants should be able to opt out of health codes that require employees wash hands after restroom usage. Now stop and think about what Tom wants to do, and reread the first sentence of this paragraph multiple times. Scary shit isn't it? Well this isn't the Onion, this is real.

Sen. Thom Tillis (R-NC) argued this week that restaurants should be able to “opt out” of health department regulations that require employees to wash their hands after using the bathroom.
On Monday, the freshman senator ended his talk at the Bipartisan Policy Center (BPC) with a story to illustrate his philosophy on government regulations.
“I was having this discussion with someone, and we were at a Starbucks in my district, and we were talking about certain regulations where I felt like maybe you should allow businesses to opt out,” Tillis recalled. “Let an industry or business opt out as long as they indicate through proper disclosure, through advertising, through employment, literature, whatever else. There’s this level of regulations that maybe they’re on the books, but maybe you can make a market-based decision as to whether or not they should apply to you.”
http://www.rawstory.com/2015/02/gop-senator-let-restaurants-opt-out-of-handwashing-after-toilet-to-reduce-regulatory-burden/#.VqIsuu1NoE2.facebook

No Tom, this is not “regulatory burden”. This is some certified, grade A, Ayn Rand, anti government bullshit. Let me reeducate you here. See we have these things called “diseases”., and in recent years science has made some advances to eradicate these diseases. We also have these things called “health codes” and “vaccines” that are designed to prevent the spread of deadly diseases. We have seen what happens when you take away vaccines, but what happens when you take away health codes? You will get the spread of bodily fluids on your food, which in turn will create some newer and scarier diseases. You don't want that do you? I hope he doesn't visit any restaurants any time soon. I can guarantee in the world that Mr. Tillis envisions, if I see a sign that says “We don't require employees to wash hands”, I don't frequent that establishment. Get how that works?

[font size="8"]Kenneth Simmons[/font]

Sigh... if Jesus ever were to come back and see some of the atrocities being committed in his name – and a lot of them mentioned throughout this edition, he'd turn around and come back almost immediately. Let's go to North Carolina for this one and introduce you to Pastor Kenneth Simmons. While this story doesn't make it clear that it was him or his flock, he's guilty of this either way. Jesus needs to smite this guy, because this is a cartoonish, almost Mr. Burns level of evil here:

On Wednesday, we brought you the story of a restaurant employee in Charlotte, North Carolina who got cruelly stiffed by a religious pamphlet disguised as a twenty dollar tip.
The employee’s manager, the perfectly named Penny Craver, issued a righteous response to the proselytizing jerks who left her server the fake tip. After looking up the Harbor Baptist Church, which had printed its name on the pamphlet, Craver fired back with a letter to the church’s pastor Kenneth Simmons. Craver’s response highlighted the exact problems with the fake tips –they’re not money and they’re incredibly pretentious – and put it all in biblical terms that these sanctimonious church trolls can understand.
http://www.deathandtaxesmag.com/277909/penny-craver-slams-fake-tip-harbor-baptist-church/

It takes some serious balls to leave that as a tip, and I hope that if those patrons never frequent that restaurant ever again, or they might go full Slammin' Salmon on them, which would be a well deserved punishment.

But instead the manager of the restaurant which was not named left a much classier response for the church trolls than I would have:

Pastor Simmons:

I am the general manager of Dish (restaurant) in Plaza Midwood. Imagine one of my server’s surprise when she received a small pamphlet (Every one of us will face eternity one day) instead of a tip when she served what I assume was one of your congregation. H er particular religious beliefs are not discussed at work; however, I do know that this pamphlet can not pay her mortgage or her electric bill. It concerns me that someone would consider a pamphlet fair monetary exchange. Suppose your congregation felt it was sufficient to tithe their personal writings instead of 10% of their income. Your church wouldn’t be paying their bills for very long. I think it would be great if you used this in a sermon. Pride, one of the 7 Deadly Sins, is considered, on almost every list, the original and most serious of the seven deadly sins: the source of the others. It is identified as believing that one is essentially better than others, failing to acknowledge the accomplishments of others, and excessive admiration of the personal self (especially holding self out of proper position toward God). I think it could be educational for at least one member of your congregation. Thank you very much for your time.
http://www.deathandtaxesmag.com/277909/penny-craver-slams-fake-tip-harbor-baptist-church/

Boom. Drop the mic.

[font size="8"]Good Guys With Guns[/font]

So there's three things that should never, ever mix - alcohol, weapons, and Michael Bay movies. Add some incredibly low inhibition brought on by the movie and you've got a toxic storm brewing for the next entry in... (cue reverb) GOOD GUYS WITH GUNS!!! Yes these wannabe heroes are just placating into the NRA's mantra that "good guys with guns" can take out bad guys with guns in just about every situation. Well this next entry has me absolutely speechless. For this insane story, we're going to Renton, Washington. There, a guy tried to take a weapon into Michael Bay's factually incorrect Benghazi flick "13 Hours".

A Washington man who accidentally shot a female moviegoer at a showing on the Benghazi action film “13 Hours,” told police he carries a gun because he fears “mass shootings.”
According to the Seattle Times, Dane Gallion, 29, told police he carried the gun with him to the Regal Cinemas 14 at the Landing last Thursday night because he was “concerned about recent mass shootings in public places.”
According to witnesses at the time, Gallion appeared drunk and bolted from the theater after after the gun went off, striking the woman in the seat in front of him.
Gallion — a father of two and a graduate student — turned himself in later that evening after returning home and having his father call 911.
http://www.rawstory.com/2016/01/man-who-shot-woman-at-13-hours-benghazi-movie-carried-gun-because-he-feared-mass-shootings/

I seriously hope that I'm not the only one who is understanding the irony of this situation here. Look I can understand the thought of being terrified at the prospect of a mass shooting, and in this day and age who isn't terrified of that prospect? I know I am. But... that said, if you're terrified of shootings why would you bring a gun? You know you're not going to be the hero in this situation. No, you're more going to be more like George Costanza at the children's birthday party when the oven caught fire:

I hope that no one is ever in an active shooter situation, but if you are, you're going to be more like George Costanza, and less like the hero the NRA wants you to be. You will be the guy knocking down clowns in this situation. But there's more and it gets weirder:

Court documents say the man told police that he went to the movie alone and he had chambered a round in his Smith and Wesson 9mm, which he kept in his waistband because he was worried about mass shootings.

http://www.king5.com/story/news/local/2016/01/23/theater-shooting-suspect-appears-court/79245650/

The gun was empty when Gallion brought it into the theater. It was fucking empty. I will repeat that - the gun was fucking empty!! That means that he loaded the gun during the movie!!! He purposefully loaded a gun and shot someone with it during the movie!! You can't be terrified of mass shootings if you're the guy committing the shooting!!

Investigators believe Gallion may have been intoxicated at the time. Reports show Gallion told police he had taken a Xanax for anxiety in the morning, then ate a pizza and drank a 22-ounce beer before the movie.

"Preliminary accounts indicate that an intoxicated suspect entered one of the theaters and was fumbling with a handgun he had in his possession when it went off, striking another patron seated in front of him," Renton Police said in a statement.

Gallion was booked into the King County jail Thursday night, and now faces a third degree assault charge. He also has one prior conviction for driving under the influence nearly five years ago.

http://komonews.com/news/local/victim-in-stable-condition-following-shooting-at-renton-theater

Hey don't go blaming the pizza and beer on this. If there's the two greatest inventions of all time, it's pizza and beer. I've eaten a lot of pizza and drank a lot of beer in my life. Hell I could do 3 tall boys standing on my head and still be sober. But a single tall boy and he feels the need to shoot someone? Either this guy is the worst drunk on the planet or the most paranoid gun nut on the planet. I've never, ever had the need to load a gun and shoot someone with it while watching Michael Bay movies! And that doesn't count the time I drank a whole six pack , playing with an air gun while I was watching Transformers. Just... ah!!!! NRA, you fucking own this. This is the face of the good guy with a gun that you created!!! Yes you, Wayne LaPierre, I'm talking to you! This is the kind of shit we have to live with on a daily basis. And you wonder why we can't have nice things!

[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8"]This Picture Of A Potato Is Worth More Than You[/font]

And it unintentionally makes the best case for a Bernie Sanders Presidency. Think about it.

Yup, that thing is worth almost $1.7 MILLION DOLLARS. This is why the rich need to be taxed people! Because when you have more money than brains, you tend to spend it very foolishly.

See you next week!

Ed. Note: Next week's Top 10 will be a Super Tuesday special edition. Stay tuned!

February 1, 2016

Donald Trump's Star On The Walk Of Fame Got Defaced

The presidential candidate’s star on Hollywood Boulevard vandalized with Nazi symbol

Donald Trump’s Hollywood Walk of Fame star was defaced with a reversed swastika.

On Friday, a Reddit user uploaded the image of the star, located at 6801 Hollywood Boulevard, with the swastika sprayed on backwards. The star was clean Saturday morning.

The “Apprentice” host received the star in 2007. In September, someone placed a yellow “X” over it. And in December, someone wrote “Rapist” on Bill Cosby‘s star.

Austin Franklin, an actor who spends his days patrolling Hollywood Boulevard dressed as Batman, said he often sees people stomping or pretending to defecate on the star. He was among those who saw the swastika Friday before it was cleaned up.

http://www.thewrap.com/donald-trumps-hollywood-walk-of-fame-star-defaced-with-swastika/

Wasn't me!

Profile Information

Member since: Sat Apr 2, 2005, 03:11 PM
Number of posts: 100,063

« Prev 1 2 3