April 1, 2015

New Poll Finds 74% Of Americans Would Be Comfortable Blaming Female President For Problems

?6408

WASHINGTON—Indicating a major shift in public opinion from just a generation ago, a poll conducted by Gallup this week found that 74 percent of Americans would be comfortable blaming a female president for the problems facing the nation.

“According to our latest survey, nearly three quarters of Americans now say they’d be willing to saddle a female president with blame for everything from a stagnant economy to interminable wars in the Middle East, up from barely half of respondents a decade earlier,” said lead researcher Jennifer Cervantes, emphasizing that while nine of every 10 voters under the age of 40 said they could see themselves condemning a woman president on nearly any issue, older voters—a demographic typically more opposed to vilifying a female commander-in-chief and angrily attributing America’s declining global influence and ballooning debt to her incompetence—were now becoming increasingly receptive to the possibility.

“The change has been striking; for the first time in this nation’s history, we’re entering an election year in which a significant majority of voters say they can see themselves denouncing everything a female president does and accusing her of being the single worst thing that has ever happened to the country.” In a further sign of Americans’ evolving views, the study also found that 95 percent of Americans now believe they’ll bitterly abhor a female president in their lifetime
http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-poll-finds-74-of-americans-would-be-comfortabl,38345/

April 1, 2015

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

?8350

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday that they would nevertheless continue defending whichever gays buy their cheap shit.

“It’s important that any gays who come into our stores and blow money on some horribly constructed ironing board do so knowing that we stand with them in solidarity,” said Walmart spokesman John Kear, adding that the company would not stop pressuring politicians throughout the nation to recognize the rights of people of any sexual orientation who purchase a bunch of their flimsy tupperware that will be completely warped within a month.

“If you’re gay and rummage around our $5 DVD bin, or just walk up and down our aisles looking for a pair of $10 unisex clogs, we support you. Respect and equality for those who spend an afternoon shopping for an uneven particle-board coffee table are fundamental values of all of us at Walmart.”

Kear added that the matter hits particularly close to home, as he personally knows several gays who buy old produce from his local Walmart’s grocery store.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/walmart-vows-to-defend-whichever-gays-buy-their-ch,38350/