A typical day on DU

This was insipired by a few hours spent reading the Meta forum. I hope it comes across as the gentle satire it is intended to be. All characters are fictional and any similarity to any actual du'er, living or dead, is coincidental.

A typical day on DU:

Brand New DU'er: I really like Tom & Jerry and The Bugs Bunny / Road Runner Show. Here are some of my favourite clips:



Du'er #1: Oh, so you think hurting animals is funny, do you? You make me sick.

Brand New Du'er: Wait, what? I love animals. I cried when Bambi's mother died!

Du'er #1: Sure you did. I bet you laugh yourself silly torturing animals all day, you bastard! Alerted.

Du'er #2: I object in the strongest possible terms over the use of the word bastard. My grandparents weren't married and they were wonderful, loving people, and so was my father. Even though he's been dead for over 50 years, I still miss him every day and I'm still in therapy over it.

Du'er #3: Oh, Du'er #2, we love you.

Du'er #2: Thank you, Du'er #3.

Brand New Du'er: But these cartoons are just jokes. I never hurt animals, I swear.

Du'er #1: Your jokes are lame, and so is Tom & Jerry. Go back to your animal-hurting friends at Stormfront!

Du'er #4: As a differently-challenged American, I must really object to the use of the L-word. I thought we had all agreed to stop using that word. Just tell him his jokes stink.

Du'er #5: There it is again: The hatred against those who smell normatively different. I'm outta here!

Du'er #6: All this bickering is getting old...

Old Du'er: Hey!

Du'er #6: I'm sorry, Old Du'er! I meant that this discussion is getting really lame...

Du'er #4: STOP USING THE L-WORD!!!!!

Brand New Du'er: But I love animals. Here's a picture of me hugging my cat. I call him Hitler because he has this cute little square dark patch under his nose, see?

Du'ers #7-14 (in unison): Booo!!! Tomsbstone! Tombstone! Tombstone! Down with the animal-torturing Nazi!

Admin: * User Brand New Du'er has been PPR'ed *

Du'ers #7-14 (in unison): Yaaaay!!!! Ding Dong, the witch is Dead!

Du'er #15: As a practising Wiccan....

I detest pre-employment personality tests...

First of all, I'm supposed to react anywhere from "agree strongly" to "disagree strongly" to a series of statements which mostly make me feel completely indifferent. Personally, I wouldn't hire the kind of neurotic who fills in nothing but strong agreements or disagreements, but what I think is irrelevant.

Then there's the "have you stopped beating your wife" type of questions:

"In previous jobs I had trouble coming to work on time, but that problem is behind me now". Agree or disagree?

Next, let's screen out all the honest and reasonable people and make sure we only hire liars and good little corporate soldiers:

"John comes home and finds out that he still has 17 cents in his pocket that belong to his employer. He decides not to worry about it. John is a thief".

"Ralph has a single beer with lunch even though he has to work in the evening driving his employer's truck. Ralph is behaving irresponsibly and should be fired."

Or are they trying to screen out the sort of officious blighters who would strongly agree with those?

"Mary's till comes up 3 cents short. After spending 5 hours of her own time rechecking everything, she finds the missing 3 cents. She has wasted her time."

Get a sodding life, Mary! You need therapy for your OCD!

I was hoping the final question was going to be:

"I think this test is a load of pop-psychology nonsense which reveals nothing whatsoever about my personality": Agree Strongly!

Add me to the list of Facebook haters

I have a completely empty Facebook account as a placeholder, but I just don't get the appeal either. I can't imagine having all my friends, family and casual acquaintances in a singe place. I have different relationships with different people and wouldn't want the same conversations with young nephews as with elderly maiden aunts, for example.

In addition, I'm an extremely private person and I utterly resent Facebook's increasing attempts to become the web. I don't want to Like commercial products and share all my likes and dislikes with everyone and I always hated Christmas newsletters. Employers have no business knowing my personal interests and hobbies and I don't want to be thought another Unibomber simply because I value my privacy.

Facebook can't die soon enough for me. It's like volunteering data for and maintaining your own Stasi file.

The doctor said I'd probably never walk again.

When I was in hospital with heart failure a few months ago, the doctor told me I'd probably never walk again or even stand unaided and bike-riding was definitely over. The nurse said that in all her years, she'd only known one person who was as badly off as I was who made even a partial recovery.

Well I just walked 6 miles in an hour and a half and I feel fantastic!

That's one in the eye to you, Doc, ya bastard!

Mack the Knife

I wonder how many people know that that old classic song 'Mack the Knife' was originally a German song composed by Kurt Weill and Bertold Brecht for the Three-Penny Opera:

Mackie Messer:

Here's a song about good ol' Pope Benedict...

2/3ds of all Americans live in a 4th amendment-free zone.

I just read about this on slashdot. Unbelievable. Apparently DHS has the right to seize and search any electronic devices within 100 miles of the border, including ocean borders. That means 2/3ds of the American population have essentially no 4th amendment protections.

I just don't understand the world I live in anymore.