April 18, 2024

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #16-9: Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless MAGA Mind Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #16-9: Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless MAGA Mind Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yoooooooooooooooooooooo!!! What’s up, New Orleans? We made it! We are here! It’s always great to be back in NOLA! I’m sure that you all saw the ruckus happening with our 2024 Stupidest State contest? Yeah for the first time ever, a #1 seed has been caught cheating, they got called out on it, and got suspended from the tournament for it! That has never happened before! How crazy is that? Well, as the old saying goes, cheaters never prosper, and such has happened to the Sunshine State! We’re shocked and also disappointed. But anyway moving on, this season is going by quickly isn’t it? And we’ve got big plans for our season 17 college tour coming up starting in August, so stay tuned for that! I mean come on, TPUSA can’t be the only group touring college campuses, can they? Of course not! So do we have time for the thing? Of course we do, it’s my show, damn it! So my fair audience, let me ask you this. Does anyone still watch broadcast television in 2024 that’s not sports or live events? Anyone? OK a few of you. Any good shows out there? Yeah Ghosts, I’ve heard of that one. OK. Well last week, Billy Joel broadcast the final show of his long-running residency at Madison Square Garden in New York City. This is one of those things where the people in charge – first off, there’s going to be some heavy sacking involved, and second, the guy who actually did this might want to take a page from Southwest Airlines and get away. So near the end of the broadcast, Billy Joel’s signature song Piano Man was cut! Yeah that’s the song you don’t want to cut! Which, as you can imagine, caused an absolute shit show among Billy Joel fans. Yeah interrupting Piano Man to broadcast the news? What is this? A 90s Special Report? Yeah one person gets that reference! Well it was cut because of the Masters, and really, that’s something I couldn’t care less about. Come on, what’s a more passive activity than watching golf on TV? You can’t name one, can you? Ha ha ha! Well CBS is going to make up for it, but the guy that caused it might want to go away and be hitting the ol’ dusty trial for a while! OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to! But first, John Oliver is back and he talks about the evils surrounding food delivery apps (hint: they’re all run by heartless corporations):



So where do we begin this week? I mean holy shit is there a lot to unpack! In the first slot this week – you thought Alabama’s abortion ruling was insane? Well along comes Arizona, where the Supreme Court (1) has said “Hold my beer and watch this!” as they resurrect a nearly 2 century old law regarding abortions! Yeah… another chapter of why we can’t have nice things in this country! Taking the second slot this week is the MAGA Qongress (2). Yes, the worst House in American history – run by and for Fox News viewers and internet conspiracy theorists – has their collective underwear in a wad over funding war-torn Ukraine’s efforts to stop big Vlad from taking over Europe, and I can’t even with these fucking morons! Taking the third slot this week is also the MAGA Qongress (3), but specifically two members who continue to fight, and that’s Trump’s personal howler monkey Marjorie Taylor Greene and MAGA Mike Johnson, and you know what? Let these clowns fight. Time to put the adults back in charge! In the number 4 slot this week, we have a new edition of that hot new game that’s sweeping the nation – IS IT RACIST? (4), because we always say around here, if you have to ask, it’s probably racist! And this week, that guy we inexplicably call president got accused of some blatant racism after people accused his stunt at an Atlanta Chik-Fil-A was staged, and yeah it probably was. Why people like this guy again? In the number 5 slot this week is a new edition of our award winning investigative journalism segment “Top 10 Investigates” (5) and this week, in the light of recent problems facing Boeing aircraft, it’s right for travelers to be anxious about flying on their newer planes. But is it really necessary to go out of your way to book flights on airlines that don’t fly Boeing? Yeah that’s a thing! In the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 In Holy Shit (6) and this week, if you think the recent abortion rulings in Alabama and Arizona are truly beyond the pale, it’s the 10th anniversary of the SCOTUS case Burwell V. Hobby Lobby, that allowed for religious exemptions for abortion cases, and we’re here to remind you – not all hope is lost! In the number 7 slot this week is a new Beating A Dead Horse (7). In the light of the recent death of famous football star and infamous double murderer OJ Simpson, his legendary on screen feud with the late, great SNL Weekend Update anchor Norm MacDonald resurfaced, and it's still legendary even though both men are no longer with us! In the number 8 slot this week is our weekly venture into the never ending world of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner (8), and seriously come on, people! Keep the conspiracy theory crap confined to America, please! It turns out our neighbors to the north in Canada have an election this year, and Pierre Poilieverie is running to unseat Justin Trudeau as Canada’s prime minister and he just picked up the endorsement of Alex Jones, which really tells you everything you need to know! And in the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new “I Need A Drink”! And this week, there’s bizarre law in Japan that could find the entire country having the same last surname in 500 years! Seriously, imagine that happening! Finally this week it’s time for Stupidest State 2024 (10)! This week it’s Round 2 Week 1 which means it’s the Gun Nut Conference Finals! Texas. Missouri. One of these two teams will punch a ticket to the Final Four, the other goes home! Plus to cap things off, we have live music from the legendary Michael Franti! Buy his new album Big Big Love or you are no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]The Arizona Supreme Court
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Well in today’s chapter of “Why can’t we have nice things in this country?”, just as the dust settled from Alabama’s criminally insane and probably grossly unconstitutional ruling on in vitro fertilization (IVF), along comes Arizona, who says “Hold my beer and watch this!”. As they are literally setting abortion rights back 100 years. Yes, you read that correctly. 100 years. Since the tragic 2020 death of one of the longest serving and best SCOTUS justices this country has ever seen, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, it seems like it just gets worse by the day. And red states are seeming in a battle to see who can out crazy the next guy. But Arizona’s latest stunt just may have absolutely topped them all. It’s shit like this that makes me just want to not only turn off the news, but actually throw a brick through my monitor. But it just seems like the anti-abortion insanity is getting worse by the day. And what we really fear is that they may just be getting started. After all, the cruelty is the point with this crowd. And not only is this grossly unconstitutional and insatiably cruel ruling unjustified, it may just be the tip of the iceberg. It’s the worst nightmare for pro-abortion activists and it’s now a reality.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Holy shit. You heard that correctly – 1864! 1864!!! If you do the math, that’s… 160 years. The Arizona GOP has literally taken us back to the days of the wild fucking west. How insane is that? But just think about what could happen if Trump manages to worm his way back to the Oval Office in 2025? It will be like this all over the country. Ruth Bader Ginsburg must be rolling around in her grave. And yes, Trump absolutely had something to do with this, we’re not letting him get away with it! This is the American anti-abortion movement in a nutshell and it’s going to get that much worse!





Damn right he sucks! Oh I haven’t even got to the worst part of this yet. With every insane ruling or law being passed, there’s always a batshit crazy group of far right cultists at the head of it. And with last week’s Arizona abortion ruling, there was no exception for it. In fact, this can be directly tied to Trump, because the guy who lead the charge to get this ruling overturned was in fact a member of Stop The Steal and part of the mob that went into the Capitol on January 6th. Then they went and lead a prayer session on the AZ senate floor where they prayed in tongues. Yes, they prayed in tongues. Get out of our government NOW!!! Holy shit, even Trump thinks this shit has gone too far!





Yeah when *HE* thinks you’ve gone too far, you’ve gone too fucking far! Now you might be asking yourself – could this batshit insane, completely illegal, grossly unconstitutional, insatiably cruel, and totally beyond the pale ruling be overturned? Well, in the theme of this week’s edition which is “Why can’t we have nice things in this country?”, the Arizona GOP has basically told us to go fuck ourselves and they’re not only not backing down on their insane ruling, they’re doubling down. These are some truly sick fucks we’re dealing with, and this is why we need to vote all of these clowns out at every single level! It’s time to get the adults back in charge!




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[font size="8"]MAGA House
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Sigh… it’s going to be a battle between those of us who live in reality and those of us who live in batshit crazy internet conspiracy theory land for the foreseeable future. Look, people, I don’t know how many times I need to say this, but I feel that I must every single time. Honestly I really want to reenact that scene from Don’t Look Up where Leonardo DiCaprio is screaming at the camera about how all life on earth is about to be extinguished, and it really does feel like that, but I feel like I must. Anyway, here it goes. THERE IS A FUCKING MAD MAN IN THE KREMLIN WHO IS OUT FOR WORLD DOMINATION AND YOU ALL ARE JUST LETTING HIM GET AWAY WITH IT!!! WE SHOULD BE BOMBING HIS SORRY ASS BACK TO THE STONE AGES!!!! BUT NO, YOU IDIOTS ARE SO BLINDED BY FOX NEWS AND CONSPIRACY THEORY PROPAGANDA TO SEE THE OBVIOUS!!! Phew, OK, now that I got that off my chest, we need to talk about what’s going on with the House and Ukraine. And again, people, listen to me very carefully when I say this – Vladimir Putin WILL NOT STOP AT UKRAINE. He is out to take over the world. But nope, the fucking idiots that are currently in command of the House are just letting Putin get away with it. But we must not question the MAGA ties to Russia, and you’d be a fool and a communist to question their motives otherwise. But hopefully the cooler heads in the House will ultimately prevail in this fight.



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Yeah why don’t we just start booing these clowns at every single opportunity? This is getting overly embarrassing. The answer as to whether or not we should fund Ukraine? The answer is YES!!! It’s called “diplomacy”. When countries like each other, they help each other out. You know what? Nobody tell the MAGAs that the Statue Of Liberty was a gift from France and that France helped us win the Revolutionary War. OK? But when even actual generals are saying “Hey! You guys really fucked up!”, you’d better listen!





Here’s the thing, MAGA Mike – you knew the job was dangerous when you took it. At this point, I should reveal that we at the Top 10 Home Office in Santa Ana, California have been placing wagers on how long it’s going to be before the MAGAs take orders from Sean Hannity and fire MAGA Mike because of the Ukraine bill. As insane as this House is, you know they’re planning something really terrible. Seriously, right now MAGA Mike is the “ALL IS WELL!!!” guy from Animal House, he’s trying to stop the chaos unfolding right in front of him, and it’s not going particularly well.





So while the rest of America and those of us who aren’t glued to the Murdoch cult 24 hours a day are yelling at Congress to get off their asses and actually do something to stop the Mad Man in Moscow from becoming emperor of the world, the rest of us are just shaking their heads in embarrassment. The GOP definitely seems to have short term memories about what’s really going on in the world, so why don’t we call this “Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless MAGA Mind”? Ha ha ha ha ha!!! Yeah Marjorie’s head is mostly empty for the most part! So since this is an ongoing story, we’re definitely going to keep an eye on it. But depending on what way that this is going, MAGA is definitely going to have some explaining to do. Again, this is why you don’t listen to dumbass conspiracy theorists on the internet. Because you get insane politicians like the Clown Caucus that’s currently running the show. It’s going to get worse before it gets better.






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[font size="8"]Marjorie Greene Vs Mike Johnson

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So in today’s chapter of “Why Can’t We Have Nice Things In This Country?”, it seems like the worst House in American history is at it again. Make no mistake that this House was destined to fail by design to further sow division and hatred of government. It’s the House that’s run by and for Fox News viewers and internet conspiracy theorists. Which is why since their inception in 2022, they’ve wasted so much time on investigating social media companies, threatening to impeach Joe Biden, and even shared dick pics of Hunter Biden, because apparently they have a fetish for that sort of thing. And last year, since they voted to fire Speaker Kevin McCarthy and replaced him with MAGA megachurch preacher Mike Johnson, there’s been a rift in the Worst House Ever. Especially over the war in Ukraine, which continues to be a hot button issue among the MAGA faithful. So much that some of the more vocal idiots of the Worst House Ever, like Marjorie Shit For Brains (Q – Batshit) is threatening to simply fire Mike Johnson rather than do the right thing and vote to fund Ukraine’s war efforts against Vladimir Putin, which really says more about them than it does about us.





Oh come on!!! You know if we could just vacate Marjorie Greene from Congress and the government entirely, nothing of value would be lost! And I always love when MAGAs call themselves the “silent majority” when they’re the biggest loudmouth jackasses in the room, and any room at that! Yeah thank you New Orleans! But yeah we’re all sick and tired of MAGA / Fox / Q bullshit infecting nearly every facet of every day life, whether it’s book bans, store boycotts, Congress, the Senate, the list goes on and on. One day, my friends, it will all be over! And trust us, that day is coming! And we hope that day is soon!





Yeah so the MAGAs set an extremely terrible precedent when they decided to fire Kevin McCarthy last year. Watching the just every day drama unfolding in the Worst House Ever has been absolutely exhausting, frustrating, and downright maddening. It’s literally a three ring circus at this point. I would describe it as a group of high school girls arguing over who’s prettiest. Or maybe monkeys flinging their poop against the walls. Either way it’s embarrassing and it’s part of why 1, we can’t have nice things in this country, and 2, Congress has a lower approval rating than naval lint.





Again – why we can’t have nice things in this country is because of the Republican party, which has been completely insane since Rush Limbaugh and growing increasingly more insane by the day since the advent of Trump and Fox News. The MAGAs have turned the House Speaker position into a revolving door and nothing is going to get accomplished until we take back the House and give these sniveling morons the heave ho they so desperately deserve. Unfortunately though, it does look like things are going to get worse and that’s because there’s support for ousting MAGA Mike that is sadly growing, damn it to hell.






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[font size="8"]Is It Racist: Trump’s Chik Fil A Stop

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Hey everyone, it’s time to play that hot new game that’s sweeping the country!



Because we always say around here, if you have to ask, it’s probably racist! So is racist this week, you might ask? Well it’s that guy who we inexplicably used to call president, Caligula Turdburglar, and he has quite the busy schedule. In between fellating right wing talk show hosts, golfing, holding rallies in the middle of nowhere to his deranged cultist fanbase, golfing, appearing at his various trials for his various crimes, more golfing, and rigging his own golf tournaments, what does one do to take a load off? Well, you gotta go have a drink. Since Trump is a guy who doesn’t drink and doesn’t go to bars other than the one at Mar-A-Shithole and his various properties, you hit the nearest Chik-Fil-A. And apparently he bought a round of Chik-Fil-A milkshakes for everyone in the place. Which isn’t a bad move, but when you consider who he is, you know there’s something shady going on behind the scenes, and that there’s definitely something that doesn’t pass the smell test. And well, after the right wing talk shows praised this move, we were definitely right to confirm suspicion!





Oh of course he does. He knows everything better than anybody. I suddenly just felt really dirty saying that, and the dirt’s not coming off. So how does he keep getting away with this stuff? Well of course the phoo op was absolutely staged. Which, again, knowing Turdburglar, is not exactly surprising. But finding out who’s behind it definitely is. Apparently the goal of the exercise was to get people to notice that Turdburglar has black voters behind him. Again, if you have to point out how *NOT* racist you are, then you’re probably racist.





Like we always say around here, if you have to ask, it’s probably racist. And if you have to go out of your way to say you’re *NOT* racist, then you’re a racist. And of course it’s at UGA, where Trump recently made an ass of himself staging a political event for the death of murdered UGA student Laken Riley, who’s become a cause celebrity for the MAGA crowd. But again, he wasn’t at UGA specifically, but instead, was at the Fulton County courthouse waiting for his trial, where he’s under four separate indictments by Fulton County DA Fani Willis.





Yeah so Former President Turdburglar got caught with his pants down. And yeah that’s not exactly what one would call an “attractive image”. In fact if the diaper rumors are true, that’s probably one really disgusting image. Of course you know this was all just a smoke screen for the right wing media to distract them from Trump’s problems, right? And come on, how are so many black people falling for this bullshit? They do know that Trump is the world’s biggest bullshitter, right? And that he doesn’t give a flying fuck about any of his supporters, right? So is it racist that he did this and it was a setup? Probably.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Boeing Travel Anxiety
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It's time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



Boeing has absolutely dominated the news lately, and none of it is good. In fact it’s almost entirely catastrophic, and you’re hearing stories about all kinds of things happening when planes are taking off or landing.. Boeing is yet another example of a corporation that’s put profits and shareholder over safety. Now it’s backfiring on them big time – both literally and figuratively. In fact some passengers are actively going out of their way to ensure that they’re not flying on Boeing’s newest aircraft – the 737 Max 8 and 737 Max 9, both of which are in the news for less than flattering reasons. But should you go out of your way to not fly on a Max 8? Well that entirely depends on how comfortable you are with the planes. But people are growing overtly anxious about flying currently and we don’t blame them, but some people are taking it to extremes.





Yes that’s about what it is like for the company right now. So how does one book air travel when they are feeling anxious? Well, when you book travel, airlines show you what planes they’ll be flying before you book. Boeing’s main competitor is Airbus, and their signature products are the A-220 and the A-320, both of which compete directly with the 737 Max 8 and Max 9. And there’s tons of articles out there that explain how you can travel around your anxiety. But choosing which plane you fly on isn’t exactly going to send a message to Boeing or the airlines. Instead, it’s Boeing’s stockholders and shareholders that need to take the hint.





Yes, travelers, you have a choice on what plane you fly on. While some are resorting to extremes like praying and taking anti-anxiety medication before takeoff. But how long can you avoid flying on Boeing aircraft? Or do you just stop flying altogether? Those aren’t options in the post-COVID world where everyone is trying to reconnect after over a year and a half apart. And of course, the blame game is definitely happening, but there isn’t one person or group that you can specifically target other than the shareholder class. But we’re the ones who are suffering as a result.





Thankfully it hasn’t come to that yet, but it certainly could! You don’t know! But of course, the media fearmongering certainly isn’t helping things. In fact it’s only making things that much worse, which was the problem to begin with. But when Boeing’s own engineers are the ones who say that they won’t fly their own aircraft, then that’s a huge problem. And again, it’s why elections matter. Because if you get the wrong president who won’t fix the problem, they’ll just make the existing problem that much worse, and it’s time to stop the cycle. They say corruption starts at the top, and in the case of Boeing, it most certainly does.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! If you’ve been following the news lately, and you’ve seen the absolute batshit, grossly illegal, completely inhumane, and highly unconstitutional abortion rulings coming of Alabama and Arizona lately, you might feel like all hope is lost and that it’s only going to get that much worse. Which, we can say that you’re probably right. But we’re also here to tell you that not all hope is lost! We wouldn’t want you to think that this program is entirely about negativity, now would you? Because what kind of hosts would that make us? Not very good ones! For the people who enacted these rulings are not followers of JAYSUS, they are followers of the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so profane, so disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! Look, we know this insanity is entirely his doing! And we know that there’s a far right religious component to it, and it’s certainly EVIL!





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Let it all out, my fair congregation, we must show these psychopaths that their religion is not welcome in our government! But here’s what we are here to remind you this week – not all hope is lost! Since the tragic death of legendary SCOTUS justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, it just seems like Dark One worshipping conservatives have taken a wrecking ball to our reproductive rights. What we want to remind you though, is that this week marks the 10th anniversary of the SCOTUS case Burwell V. Hobby Lobby, the case that allowed religious exemptions for abortion cases. My fair congregation, this could be the religious right’s undoing!





Yeah now things could be even worse should the unholy Dark One and his evil minions worm their way back to the White House in 2025. It’s no secret that America’s conservatives are actively working to take this country backwards. To roll back 100 years of progress. But this, again is why we have to emphasize that elections matter! Yes, we’re skirting around the IRS 503(c) religious exemption rules for this one, but we have to say it! Because if you don’t vote, someone else may decide to do it for you, and they will put in charge people who you don’t like, and people who will make things that you’re used to that much more difficult!





Yes, my fair congregation, Indiana, of all states, a state that gave us a justice who’s a member of the insane anti-abortion cabal, might be the key to fighting back against the MAGA Taliban! Yes, it’s insane that conservatives want all the babies, but they don’t want anything to do with said babies once they are here. Can’t get decent education, can’t get living wages. Parents can’t get support. But they can – wait for it – make more babies! Sigh… it’s why we can’t have nice things in this country! So even if we can’t beat the anti-abortionists, we can fight back! And any victory in this fight, no matter how large or small, should be celebrated with revels!





So while it may seem like all hope is lost in light of the recent news, it really isn’t. The anti-abortionist scum can be beaten! It may take time, but it can be done! The unholy Dark One and his wretched supporters be damned! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]How Is This Still A Thing: Boston Market
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There’s a time when comedy goes from ordinary to legendary. Look at George Carlin for instance, and his rant about dumb Americans from his 2005 stand up special “Life Is Worth Losing”. He warned us about what was coming, and that makes that bit remembered long after his death. Norm MacDonald is the latest comedian to join legendary status. Back in 1996 – two years after the OJ Simpson verdict heard around the world, there was a sketch on Saturday Night Live that was basically a truly epic takedown of what had conspired. Where other comedians at the time, including Jay Leno and David Letterman, were afraid to tread, Norm went there. And not only did he do that with a style that’s still unmatched to this day, even as both men are gone from this world, their feud remains. And so will Norm’s epic Saturday Night Live sketch. Because going where few comedians dare to tread is what turns a sketch from ordinary to legendary. Owning someone on national TV in prime time is one thing, owning someone on national TV after death is something else entirely!





Yeah so history time, gather around kids! Let me tell you for those of you who aren’t 80s / 90s kids how much that trial absolutely dominated television. And every single thing that happened during that trial was the butt of the jokes of late night television. But none of the late night comedians ever would dare touch whether they thought OJ was guilty or not. The general consensus was that he probably was, but we’ll save that for another time. Only Norm MacDonald was the one who went there – in front of the man himself, no less! And this is the sketch that NBC doesn’t want you to see, because Norm got fired for it almost immediately after it aired!





Damn right it is! But apparently as we’ve learned, the two’s on screen grudge was mainly just for show and that was about it. No, you can’t humanize OJ Simpson no matter how hard you try. I mean the man is a double murderer. Allegedly! The clip of Norm and OJ also surfaced again when Norm was a guest on David Spade’s Comedy Central talk show. Such an epic takedown will live on forever, and even in the age of the internet, there’s no such thing as a take back. But despite that the executives at NBC didn’t appreciate Norm’s style of humor, those in the comedy world certainly did!





So if there’s two things you just don’t joke about – murder and death. And you really shouldn’t. And whether or not someone’s death is actually funny is a gray area. Let’s just hope that the deceased has a good sense of humor about it! Yes, both OJ and Norm might be gone, but Norm is still taking down OJ even in the afterlife. And that’s when a good sketch becomes legendary. When it lasts longer than the comedians do and it’s still relevant to this day. You’ll be hearing about the OJ trial even 40 – 50 years from now, and when that starts trending, you can bet that these sketches will follow!






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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! So if you haven’t been paying attention, just as the United States is in an election year, so our neighbors to the north, Canada. Well, sadly, Canada may be the next nation in the world to succumb to the ever-growing Fascist-verse. Worst extended universe, ever, by the way. Look at the parallels between Canada and Argentina. Both were run by liberals. Both are facing unprecedented economic hardships. And both countries had leaders that were very unpopular going into the general election. Well the leader of the Canadian conservative movement is Pierre Poilievere, and with friends like these, who needs enemies?





Yeah so I know that most of our viewers are United States based. But here’s the thing – Poilievre is totally mimicking the Steve Bannon / Heritage Foundation fascist playbook, and it’s winning him voters just like countries like India, the Philippines, Argentina, and Italy. He’s spreading everything from violence-fueled conspiracies targeting Islamophobia to gender ideology. Last year, Canada sounded the alarm about American extremism and now it’s succumbing to it, as sad as that is. It’s like we keep saying on this program – conservative idiocy isn’t just a uniquely American problem. It’s a global problem and they’re the same no matter what country you go to!





Yeah so even in Canada, their far right is mimicking our far right. Even Tucker Carlson flew out to Ontario to meet with the leaders of Canada’s far right party. These people are bad, OK? They fuck up every single country they’re in charge of. Then they blame the other side when nobody likes their ideas or their policies. It’s scary to think that one of the most liberal countries in the entire world could see their far right emulating ours. No, people! Stop it! Keep conservative MAGA extremism confined to the United States, please! Come on, Canada, it’s not too late! Save yourselves!





Come on, Canada! It’s not too late! Save yourselves! You too can stop the rising tide of hatred and white supremacy that seems to be engulfing the planet. Stand up to the Steve Bannon fascist-verse. If we can beat them here in the US, you can beat them too. Ignore the press on what Justin Trudeau’s popularity rating is. We’re going through the same thing here in the US – the polls are being manipulated by dark forces. But of course all of this points to the guy at the top, and the guy at the top is none other than the head fascist himself – Vladimir Putin. And his minion Steve Bannon is certainly doing his dirty work.






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey everyone, I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!



So of course, you know by now that the idea behind this segment is that we have some drinks, and while we are drinking, we talk about literally anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention or not, but there’s some really dark shit in the news right now, and we always feel that sometimes the best escape is to belly up to the bar and crack open a cold one or two, and escape reality for a bit. And don’t worry, my sober brothers and sisters, we got you covered too! Just grab a glass of your favorite coffee, tea or energy drink and come get wired with us! So this week, our viewers tipped us off to a bizarre story unfolding in the Land Of The Rising Sun, Japan. And apparently, everyone in Japan is going to have the same surname by the year 2500 if their insane marriage law holds up! Yeah imagine that! So tell me bartender, what goes well with that story? Ha ha ha… no thanks. How about some Japanese rye whiskey? Got to change it up a bit! So this is an absolutely bizarre story. Apparently if Japan’s controversial law regarding surnames and marriage holds up, everyone could have the same surname in 500 years. It’s too insane to even begin to remotely comprehend!





Yeah we need all the shots! So yeah according to a computer simulation, literally everyone in the Land Of The Rising Sun, by the year 2500, will all be named Sato. How fucking insane is that? Of course, these are the things that you learn with my show, which is why we have that coveted 2:00 PM time slot at the chuckle hut! So what needs to change in order for Japan to avoid that fate? Well they’re definitely going to have to make some changes and fast! Because they only have… 500 years. Which means that’s a lot of boning going on and they’re going to have to change a centuries old law! Come on, man!





Yes, because… otherwise, how else do you survive the last 8 years? Come on, no politics at the bar, who am I kidding? There are rules, people! Yeah exactly, like Oprah! You get the name Sato! And you get the name Sato! And you get the name Sato! Everybody gets the name Sato! Seriously, how fucked up would that be for the insurance claims adjusters of the future? Grandpa Soto dies and leaves his inheritence… to the next Sato? Think about it! And how would the nametag situation work at weddings and conventions? But wouldn’t that be insane if everyone in the country had the same last name? It could very well happen!





I don’t think that glass is big enough! There is good news, though. As weird as this scenario could possibly be, people are fighting back! Yes, because overturning a centuries old law would take years and cost millions of dollars. But people have had enough and it’s insane to think that everyone in the country could have the same surname. But we’ve got 500 years to change such an unjust law! 500 years is a long-ass time! So you’d better act now because otherwise in 500 years, you too could be joining the world’s largest family!






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[font size="8"] Stupidest State 2024
[br] [/font] [br]

16 states will enter and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Folks, the Elite 8 is set! After last week’s challenge that shocked the tournament, Florida has been eliminated from competition! Yes, the NFFSA in an a completely unprecedented move, voted 5 – 2 to find Florida guilty of cheating. As a result, coach DeSantis has been fired and the players who were caught cheating were suspended, removed, and banned from future participation. So with that news out of the way, the Elite 8 is set! In the Batshit Conference, it’s #2 Arizona against #3 Louisiana! In the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, it’s #1 Ohio against #4 South Dakota! In the Gun Nut Conference, it’s #1 Texas against #3 Missouri! And in the Family Values Conference, it’s #1 Alabama against #3 Oklahoma! This week it’s Round 2 Week 1 and it’s the Gun Nut Conference Championships! Texas. Missouri. One of these two will punch a ticket to the Final Four! We’re live at the home of the Denver Nuggets, the Ball 1 Arena in Denver, Colorado for all the exciting action! Let’s go to the floor, shall we?

[font size="4"]Gun Nut Conference Finals: Texas Vs Missouri [/font]

[font size="4"]Texas[/font]

In Stupidest State history, Texas time and time again has won the Gun Nut Conference for several reasons, and the first is that they love them some guns. Oh man do they love them some guns in the Lone Star State. But since about 2001, Texas has been consistently led by violent psychopaths, particularly the unholy trinity of Greg Abbott, Ken Paxton, and Dan Patrick. All of which are products of the Fox News Ministry Of Propaganda. So what do you do when people post a lot of unflattering articles about you? Well rather than changing the error of your ways, you go and sue the people who are spilling the beans on you. That’s right, you sue Media Matters. Because… why not???





Thank you Nelson! But that being said, while the unholy trinity of Texas might be trying to silence their critics, this is about guns! And this might be one of the sketchiest things we’ve seen yet. So apparently a program to buy back guns in Texas turned into something that a private company got involved in. And yeah doesn’t that already sound sketchy? Well this company bought all the guns, stripped and sold them for parts. Yeah what could possibly go wrong there? If there’s one thing we’ve learned on this program, it's never trust arms dealers!



https://miro.medium.com/v2/resize:fit 96/1*Y5um9t3fueZzMBz4ZPqClQ.gif

Yes, good question! While the rest of the country – those who do not live in Rupert Murdoch’s criminally insane cult – want things like background checks for guns and safety training, Texas seems to be going in a completely opposite direction. This is why you don’t listen to crazy people on the internet! Texas is a state that’s run by and for Fox News viewers. They’ve banned things like DEI and anything having to do with gender, because it’s what the MAGA cult wants. But then the “SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED!!!” crowd on the other hand, is insane.



v

[font size="4"]Missouri [/font]

The Show Me State is back for another go round! Yes, Missouri loves them some guns. In fact they’re the home of infamous 2020 protest interrupters the McCloskeys, who are world famous for flashing their pieces on camera! And again, the rest of the country – the people who don’t live in the Murdoch / Jones right wing propaganda bubble, want things like background checks and safety training. But nope, can’t have that. Because the 2A absolutionists will immediately scream “SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED!!!” at the mere thought of something to do with our insane gun laws actually having to change. Come on, there was literally a shooting at the Kansas City Chiefs Super Bowl victory parade! And this is the kind of shit that gets passed!





Yeah so think about this for a minute. This year is the 25th anniversary of the Columbine shooting. 25 years! And so far nothing has changed. In fact gun nuts are actively taking this country backwards instead of forwards. Not only that, anything sensible that could potentially have a positive effect has been quickly outweighed by the nuttiest gun nuts. And yes, there was a group called “Sensible Missouri” that wanted to pass some, well, sensible gun laws. But that idea proved to be very unpopular in the Show Me State.





So in case you’re wondering – why yes, this is the 25th anniversary of the Columbine Shooting, like we previously said. And if you want to see a progression of how increasingly insane our country’s gun laws have become, look no further than the Show Me State. But one thing you should never, ever do is allow 2A extremists and absolutionists to write gun laws. Seriously, it’s like giving the alcoholic the keys to the liquor cabinet *AND* the keys to your car so they can make a beer run. Our gun laws, or complete lack of gun laws, are getting more ridiculous by the day. And the last thing we need is to have the craziest among us write them.





[font size="4"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Texas has the ball… right now they’re up by 7. For three… YES! Texas up by 10. Now a foul has been called on Missouri. First shot… a miss. Second… that’s a hit. No timeouts remain. And that’s game. We have a winner! For the third straight year in a row, Texas has punched their ticket to the Final Four! The final score: 95 – 86! Cut that net, guys! You earned it!



[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

Next week it’s Round 2 Week 2! It’s the Family Values Conference Championships! Oklahoma. North Carolina. We’re live at the home of the Denver Nuggets, the Ball 1 Arena in Denver, Colorado, for all the exciting action! One of these two advances, the other goes home! Who will it be? Only one way to find out!



[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Michael Franti & Spearhead[/font]

Folks, my next guest has a great new album called Big Big Love. You can see him on tour this summer, check out michaelfranti.com for tour dates. Playing his song called Vibe Check, give it up for Michael Franti & Spearhead!



Thank you New Orleans! It’s always great to be back in NOLA! We’ll see you again soon! We’re off to San Francisco next week for SF Podcastfest! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Michael Franti & Spearhead Appear Courtesy Of: Thirty Tigers Music
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Café Istanbul, New Orleans, LA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

April 12, 2024

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #16-8: Troll Bridge Under The River Kwai Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #16-8: Troll Bridge Under The River Kwai Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yoooooooooooooooooo!!! What’s up, Las Vegas? How you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! First off, congratulations to U-Conn for securing back to back March Madness titles! And hopefully you can still go to the White House and not be served a McDonalds buffet! It is good to be back in America after touring South America for two weeks. We always love being here in Las Vegas at the MGM! I want to again, expressly thank our touring partners who helped arrange this excursion – the Visit Brazil and Visit Argentina tourism bureaus. We had an amazing time in South America, but now it’s back to the grind as we have Stupidest State 2024 to finish up! But anyway we enjoyed our trip so much that we decided to extend an extra couple of days to take in all that South America has to offer! Don’t worry, Chile and Ecuador, we haven’t left you out yet! But that’s why we’re having a rare Friday edition of the Top 10 for your enjoyment this week. Do we have time for the thing that we always do before the show? Of course we do, it’s my program, damn it! So I know for a fact that we have a lot of New York viewers of this program, because we hit the Grammercy Theater in NYC a lot and it always sells out. And I’m sure that everyone knows about the earthquake that happened last week. Which, those of us in California are like “dude, bro, chill the fuck out!”. Although by the way, we’re not at all shocked to learn that the epicenter of the quake was in Bedminster, New Jersey. If you’re not laughing, you don’t know what that city is the home of, and if you don’t know, what are you doing in this audience? Well anyway, this one story we found totally shocking, and it’s the last place you’d ever want to be when the earth quakes – surgery! Specifically, surgery for a certain part of the male anatomy. Yup, that’s right – there was a guy in Manhattan who was in the middle of getting a vasectomy. Which, yeah… male organs, earthquake, surgical tools involved… what could possibly go wrong? Thankfully the doctor was smart enough to stop the procedure mid-operation, but that could have been absolutely disastrous! Yes, thank you sir! Well OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first John Oliver is back and he talks about food delivery apps, which, behind the scenes, are exactly what you’d expect these days:



So where do we begin this week? In the number one slot this week, we have to talk about the devastating collapse of the Francis Scott Key Bridge outside of Baltimore, Maryland (1). Of course, we can’t let some good old fashioned incompetence get in the way of batshit crazy internet conspiracy theories, and hoo boy did the trolls come out of the woodwork! In the second slot this week, it goes to MAGA republicans (2). Yes, in the latest pathetic attempt to see who can kiss Dear Leader’s ass more, there’s a bill being proposed to name DC’s Dulles Airport after him. Yeah better get your vomit buckets and barf bags ready! In the number 3 slot this week, is also unfortunately that guy who we inexplicably used to call president (3) and his social media hidey-hole, aka Truth Social, is going public and the stock scam known as “pump-n-dump” is going exactly according to plan. We can’t wait to see Fox and the MAGAs declare… victory, I guess?... over this one. Taking the 4th slot this week, is MAGA Republicans (4), and we were absolutely delighted to see that every single MAGA-backed school board candidate in St. Louis failed, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg! Republicans are losing in the fundraising department on all fronts, and they have Dear Leader to thank for it! Gee, you think playing with fascism is bad? And in the number 5 slot this week is a new edition of “We’re All Gonna Die” (5) and if this segment doesn’t convince the populace of the sheer terror of zoonotic viruses like we saw with COVID, then probably nothing will. Because as we learned with COVID, half the population told the other half to go screw themselves, so what will happen when Bird Flu resurges? Well we’re about to find out! In the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week… sigh, we have to talk about it. The Unholy Dark One, aka He Who Shall Not Be Named, is selling America themed Bibles with his signature on them, and do we really have to explain why that is absolutely scary? Come on! Taking the number 7 seed, every conservative has a billionaire sugar daddy waiting to bail them out, and guess what? We found Trump’s! Yes, we’re profiling LA subprime auto kingpin Don Hankey in a new edition of “This Fucking Guy” (7). In the number 8 slot this week is our weekly visit to the never ending void of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner, and this week – wingnuts have been in a frenzy about the possibly that Nebraska’s lone NB-3 district could be the key to determining the election, but is America really *THAT* divided, you might ask? Well a little column A, little column B. And in the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new I Need A Drink and Monday was a once-in-a-lifetime solar eclipse and the mania was fierce, and we take a look at some of the crazier stories and theories out there! Finally this week it’s time for Stupidest State 2024 (10)! And this week it’s Round 1 Week 4, and we’ve saved the best for last as #3 Louisiana looks to defend #4 Kentucky to play Florida in the Batshit Conference finals, while over in the Family Values Conference, #3 Oklahoma is bringing its’ big guns to the dance against one of the hottest teams in the league, #4 North Carolina! We’re live from San Diego with all the exciting action! Plus, to cap things off, we have a live performance from one of my favorite punk bands of all time, the legendary Bad Religion is stopping by to promote the No Values Festival in Pomona! That’s exciting! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Frances Scott Key Bridge Collapse
[br] [/font] [br]

Well, another day, another example of why we can’t have nice things in this country. Last week, there was that absolutely devastating Frances Scott Key bridge just outside of Baltimore, Maryland. And of course, the usual finger pointing and name blame gaming went on the news almost immediately after the incident. But we can’t let some good old fashioned incompetence get in the way of batshit, bizarre conspiracies and internet trolling, can we? Of course not! This is the social media world in which we currently live! So for the sake of this piece, why don’t we name it after the classic World War II movie “Bridge Over The River Kwai”. Nah, why don’t we update it and call it “Troll Bridge Over The River Kwai”? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! I could totally see Steve Bannon and Marjorie Greene jumping ship there! But you know, instead of talking about the disaster and everything it spawned, we’re instead going to talk about the absolute insanity of right wingers shooting their mouths off about things that they don’t know or even begin to understand, and that this is entirely a product of people listening to assholes on TV, radio, and the internet and voting on instinct instead of rational thought. Elections have consequences, people!





Gee, why am I not at all surprised that X is a spot where shit congregates? Yeah… X marks the brown spot on the internet! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! See? That’s what we’re about on this program – making light of all the dark shit in the news with a side of poop jokes! But of course while the conspiracy theorists, TPUSAers, Infowars fans and other internet shitbags were arguing whether or not it was terrorism or a cyber attack, or my personal favorite – some Wiley Coyote style dynamite… yeah wouldn’t it be great if it was Acme brand? LMAO! It wasn’t any of those things. It was just some good old fashioned incompetence.





Oh come on people! Stop your rabbling! You know there’s an absolutely easy solution to stop all of this, but you probably don’t want to hear it. Are you ready to hear the solution? The solution is this: STOP VOTING FOR STUPID PEOPLE!!!! Stop listening to idiots like Sean Hannity and Charlie Kirk who peddle this crap to millions of idiots every night. You want to deregulate entire industries? Well be prepared to live with disaster. The sooner you face reality, the better. But the Frances Scott Key Bridge collapse is a perfect example of how misinformation gets out in the open and completely blown out of proportion.





Yeah really! Why do people listen to this shit? What do they get their jollies on? Instead of going to stupid people like Charlie Kirk for answers, why don’t we ask someone who might, I don’t know, actually know some shit? Like for instance the current Secretary Of Transportation, who’s held onto his job longer than anyone in the previous administration did? Yeah let’s ask him. Because it’s totally insane that stupid people are given a megaphone for their stupidity, while actual experts on things get left out in the dust. Just…. Stop the planet already.






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[font size="8"]Trump International Airport
[br] [/font] [br]

Can we please stop with this insane quest to name everything after every current president? I mean the right wing and their obsession with American symbolism. What the fuck. It’s not enough to have just an image of the United States Constitution or the American flag. You have to have a bald eagle. On a tank. In front of the US flag, set on fire. With fireworks in the background. And for some reason a picture of Mt. Rushmore and the giant Randy’s Donuts sign in Los Angeles. The right wing could tell you all about “WE THE PEOPLE”, but chances are extraordinarily high that they haven’t read the Constitution or the Declaration Of Independence past “We The People”. So why am I talking so much about the right wing obsession with symbolism? Because their latest fight in the ongoing Fox News sponsored and initiated culture wars is that they want to name an airport after that last president. Yes, the guy who tried to kill half of Congress and his own vice president to stop an election from being certified. That guy. In the latest and most pathetic attempt to kiss his ass yet, MAGA republicans have introduced a resolution to rename Washington DC, Dulles Airport, under the code IAD, after, well, that fucking asshole. Yes, he’s back to having his name in the news again 24 hours a day and it’s absolutely sickening.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Symbol of freedom? Fuuuuuuuuuck you. If anything, that would cause people to jump back on the plane and turn around. Can we stop with this bullshit already? Trump is…. let me see… he’s the third worst human being on earth after Vladimir Putin and Xi Jianping. The sooner he goes away permanently, the better! And the absolute last thing we need in this country is permanent reminders of his existence. But there is good news. Despite this latest attempt at trolling and kissing the ass of the former president, there is a counter offer. OK we’ll play your game to rename Dulles Airport after the Bloviating Orange Asshole. But as long as we get this in return!





At least prisons are still useful. Why don’t we name something after Trump that seems more appropriate – a place where shit congregates? Like maybe the diaper changing tables or a sewage treatment plant? Yeah much like John Oliver’s proposal! I mean come on, should the guy who currently has 91 felony counts and owes nearly $1 billion dollars to his rape victims get anything named after him anywhere in the country? Yeah there’s also this batshit proposal to rename I-8 after Trump in Florida… yeah it does look like a urethra, thank you sir! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha… but really, are we forgetting history here? It seems the GOP had a problem when they tried to name DCA after Ronald Reagan.





OK so let’s think about this here for a minute – the party that literally banned Muslims from the United States and wants to be able to openly murder migrants at the border (see: Idiots #15-6 ) somehow thinks that naming one of America’s largest airports after the guy who made all the death, chaos and corruption possible, is a symbol of freedom? Get the ever loving fuck outta here! And come on, again, are we forgetting history here? Specifically recent history? I mean who’d want to fly into IAD from another given what they did during the Trump administration? Cue all the facepalms.






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[font size="8"]Truth Social
[br] [/font] [br]

We all know that when that guy who we inexplicably used to call president, Donald J. Trump, started his social media hidey-hole Truth Social, that it wouldn’t last. But what we didn’t know, and probably should have anticipated, is that Truth Social’s parent company Donald J. Trump Media Group, which trades under the NASDAQ symbol $DJT was basically just a giant money laundering operation. Yeah the stock traded at unprecedented highs when it first started. But since then, the stock has been in a total free fall, which market analysts call this scheme the “pump n dump”. Which means that I guess we can call this the “Trump Pump N Dump”. No, that does not refer to the fact that he wears diapers. That’s pretty gross. In fact the $DJT stock is so volatile right now that it’s actually kicked Trump off of the list of America’s billionaires. Yeah imagine spending that much money just to be a shit poster and not face any of the consequences for said shit posting.





So first off, imagine naming your company in such a way that your initials are your company’s ticket on the stock tracker. Second, imagine actually purchasing said stock because you think it’s going to make you a rich person. Third, imagine that your idea of becoming as rich as Trump once was, and it completely backfires on you! Well, market experts are totally torn on whether or not the $DJT stock will continue on the trajectory that it’s currently on, or if it will eventually level out. Uh… have you been following Trump lately guys? He’s just going to take the money and run.





Yeah what a loser, right? We’ve seen what happens when right wing authoritarian billionaires like Elon Musk buy social media sites – they lose money. In fact Truth Social is the biggest money loser in the social media market since Elon Musk bought Twitter and turned into the right wing shithole currently known as X. But for those of you who insist that Trump is “the people’s president” and that “he cares about us” – you are wrong! He doesn’t even care about his own companies! He treats his companies the same way he treats hurricane victims in Puerto Rico and that piece of toilet paper that got stuck to his shoe that one time.





Yeah MAGAs – so here’s the thing, someone’s getting rich off $DJT stock, but it ain’t you! It’s definitely him and only him! In fact, the Trump Pump And Dump is going according to plan! And if you don’t know what a pump and dump is, I highly suggest looking it up. It’s a big thing in the crypto world – which again you fall for time and time again. Remember those stupid NFT trading cards you all bought? Or his shoes and Bibles? It’s all a colossal scam. But one person is definitely laughing all the way to the bank and that’s DJT himself. He’s the guy who gets away with it all, and you’re the one who gets f’ed in the a.






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[font size="8"]Republican Fundraising
[br] [/font] [br]

You know we’re in an election year and we have been talking poll numbers a lot, but we’ve got to talk about the other side of the equation – fundraising. There was an unprecedented fundraising event a few weeks ago at Radio City Music Hall in New York City that featured a conversation moderated by Stephen Colbert that featured former presidents Obama and Clinton and current president Biden that managed to raise a whopping $30 million. Of course Trump gathered the billionaire sugar daddies of the GOP and managed to corral equally as much. Though we’re not entirely sure if all of that money is going to go to the campaign or his ongoing legal problems. One thing we do know is that Trump is running to stay out of prison and murder anyone who gets in the GOP’s way of absolute power, and that’s about it. But that said, we do want to talk about some good news for a minute. We don’t want you to think that this show is about negativity, is it? What kind of hosts would that make us? Not very good ones! OK, I’m rambling again, let’s get to it.





Thank you Nelson! Of course… what’s a GOP candidate without a billionaire sugar daddy or two at their disposal? Yeah Trump’s campaign is broke and going broker. That’s what happens when you fly an aging 757 to rallies out in the middle of nowhere. Yeah remember when small bucks won in 2020? Tetridge Farm remembers! OK… I see one person in the audience got that reference! Well, it seems that the days of small money campaigns are over. It’s the old standby of money talks and bullshit walks. Yeah the RMCH fundraiser brought in unprecedented money. But then Trump had to go counter that because… god forbid people stop paying attention to him for a few seconds!





Yeah that’s basically Trump in a nutshell right now. Hey look at me!!! So he corralled his billionaire benefactors, or sugar daddies, in for some money. Big deal. And can we talk about how creepy it is to call them “sugar daddies”? They’re trying to buy the presidency and SCOTUS. I mean… damn. And yeah Fox News can declare victory and gloat all they want. But the real story is that Biden is winning on all fronts in the fundraising department. Maybe… just maybe… people are starting to wake up to the dangers of an authoritarian world? We can only hope! But even on the state level, Trump is losing on all fronts big time. Even in Wisconsin, the state that elected Ron Johnson!





Now you might be wondering about alternative campaigns. Yeah… surprisingly nobody has ever talked about Jill Stein and the Green Party during this election cycle. But what about our old buddy and notorious anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist Robert F. Kennedy Jr? What ever happened to his campaign that seems to have all but disappeared from the airwaves? Well it turns out that even his campaign is hemorrhaging money. So yeah the moral of the story there is don’t work with authoritarian dipshits like Joe Rogan and Steve Bannon. Nothing good ever comes of it! So if you’re keeping score at home, folks, the score currently is: Biden – winning, Trump – losing, RFK Jr – losing even more!






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[font size="8"]We’re All Gonna Die
[br] [/font] [br]



Hey everyone, guess what? We’re all gonna die! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO. WOOOO. WOO. So what’s going to kill us all this week, you might ask? Well that’s a very good question, and I answer you – more viruses! Yay!!!! Oh come on, kids! Don’t yay that one! But just as we’re emerging from the horrors of the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic, something absolutely unprecedented has happened – we’re seeing the sheer terror of zoonotic viruses emerge again! Zoonotic viruses, for those that don’t know, are viruses that are born in animals and make the leap to humans. Which is what actual experts believe started COVID-19 and not your what cousin’s brother’s case worker’s crazy uncle saw on Youtube. But nevertheless, the sheer terror of what a zoonotic virus can do is once again rearing it’s ugly head with the reemergence of bird flu. Yeah you thought COVID was bad? Things could be a hell of a lot worse!





No dude, we’re not gonna die just yet. Yeah sure, we saw that with SARS-COV-2 and trust us when we say that we went down that wormhole already! But yeah everything seems harmless with a new virus, one mutation and BAM! An entire shutdown of the whole world, disrupting supply chains and ruining businesses and commerce for the better part of a year and a half! Yeah we can already see the MAGA conspiracy theorists right now clenching their pearls and then they’ll be yelling “HA HA! See? We told you so you stupid liberal snowflakes!!!”. I can’t even with these morons. And by the way, you know who isn’t helping? Elon Musk. Yeah the Tesla / Space X / X/Twitter CEO has been laughing about the bird flu reemergence and of course… being an ass about it.





No! No one is going to die just yet! It’s only been detected in animals so far and one case in humans. Just one! But imagine the insanity of the MAGA anti-vaxxer crowd where they’re actively trying to murder the one guy who was actually trying to help. And by the way, have we learned absolutely nothing from current disease outbreaks? Because guess what may have been the answer as to what caused the latest bird flu hysteria? Cannibal Cows. Which by the way, awesome rock band, I saw them at the Troubadour last weekend. But yes… the same thing that caused Mad Cow may have caused the latest bird flu outbreak. Just… what the actual fuck.





Seriously! Farmers of the world, stop trying to make Soylent Cows a thing! It’s bad for the environment, it’s bad for cows! And it’s bad for… YOU!




Yeah people, we’ve seen how this movie ends, and it doesn’t end well. Creating a race of cannibalistic cows can’t be good and it will probably be one of the catalysts that lead to the zombie apocalypse. You can’t prove that it won’t, can you? The good news for now is that we’re safe because it’s not exactly transmittable between human beings… for now. Yes, we all know what happened with SARS-COV-2, is that one mutation and BAM! Entire world shuts down. We were caught off guard last time, but this time we’re ready. We hope!






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit


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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know, ever since our fine parish was established – we’ve only ever had one rule, but tonight, we may unfortunately have to break that rule. And that rule is that we never, ever mention the unholy, ungodly Dark One, by name in my church! He is so foul, so depraved, so disgusting, that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! In fact even around the office, we refer to him as “He who shall not be named”! Why is that you may ask? Because last week, my fair congregation, a line was crossed that should not be! Yes, the man himself put his name on the Good Book. Because he just can’t help but stick his greedy fingers in places where they don’t belong, and unprecedented greed is one of the cardinal sins of our religion, is it not? And in fact by running for president and endorsing this ungodly mess of a monstrosity, he’s ripping apart the very fabric that our great nation was founded on! Come on, man! Stay in your lane! Oh wait, hawking cheesy merchandise is his lane. I realize that this segment may violate IRS 503(c) rules, but fuck it, we’re taking a stand!





Well, are you going to tell your congregation to stop voting for him? No? Then it’s time to put up or shut up, good sir! I say good day! Because every day you don’t put a stop to the unholy Dark One’s messes, you’re just further enabling him and his followers. And going on the Dark One’s favorite talk shows certainly isn’t helping, either! But the reactions to the unholy Dark One’s grifting his followers by hawking this ridiculous and pathetic Bible are definitely not what you’d see on prime time news. In fact it's split congregations across the US right down the middle! But it’s really telling as to who’s actually buying this thing as to where they currently stand.





Of course it is, good reverend! But I ask you, despite that this latest attempt by the unholy Dark One was equal parts money and power grab, is it OK that he’s allowed to tear apart the very fabric of what this country was founded on? We might be one of the rare churches in America that still accepts the principles of separation of church and state! Why is the media just making light of this? Why are they not hammering how reckless and stupid it is? I just don’t know. Again it’s why we cannot have nice things in this country! But while everyone is gawking at the Dark One for this pathetic grift, let’s ask a real man of GAWD what he thinks!





Yes, we tend to side with Senator Warnock on this one! But come on, you can’t get a much more pathetic attempt to pander to the crazies than this here. And Make America Pray Again? That’s just so pathetic that there are no words to describe it. Look at this country – there’s 300,000 churches across the United States and there’s only 400 Whole Foods. Yeah make that make sense! He’s really desperate to get the church vote, and quite frankly, the desperation is starting to reek. And he’s got more cheesy merchandise out there than Krusty The Klown does! But it’s totally insane that the media isn’t just hounding the Dark One for all the stupid merchandise he’s hawked over the last two years. Insane!





That’s the problem with this crowd – they do hang on his every word! And he is evil incarnate, my fair congregation! Whew, I made it through this segment without breaking my one rule! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Don Hankey
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This week’s This Fucking Guy is Don Hankey. You might not know his name, but if you’ve ever tried to take out a sub-prime auto loan in Los Angeles or the greater state of California, you definitely have heard of his company. His company, Knight Insurance, is famous for providing bonds to people who need them, and is also famous for screwing poor people out of their money. So it’s no secret that their CEO, Don Hankey, supports Donald Trump. Yes, his name got in the news last week because he provided Trump with the bailout money that he needed as basically a way of avoiding jail for yet another week in the ongoing securities fraud case in New York, yet another one of the 1,000,000,000,000 trials that Trump is currently facing. But come on, Mr. Hankey, you can’t bullshit your way out of the “we just provide loans to people” guise. It doesn’t work that way. But just like Clarence Thomas’ billionaire Nazi sugar daddy Harlan Crow (see: Idiots #300 ), you can’t count out a good right wing Nazi billionaire to bail out a megalomaniacal wannabe dictator too soon! Come on, won’t you please donate your hard earned cash to Trump’s increasing legal funds today?





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Oh come on, bull fucking shit! You know damn well when you wrote that check what you were doing. Come on, stop with that crap already. The sooner you admit, the better! But that begs an even greater question, you might ask – where the hell is Trump getting all of his money? And who’s funding him to go around the country to spew his bullshit to his ever-decreasing base that still will listen to him no matter what? Well, I answer you – the answer lies in a little known California bank called Axos, of which – yup, you guessed it – Mr. Hankey is a member and shareholder of!





Oh come on, most people can’t even get a loan for $500. How the fuck are these guys getting $200 million dollars? It’s almost like, again something we’ve been saying for years, is that white right wing billionaires almost have an entirely different system of justice for you and I! As George Carlin said, it’s a big club and we’re not in it! But this is my favorite part of this whole story is that the whole reason Mr. Hankey loaned Trump the money is because – wait for it – he’s going to get charged a “lower fee”. To which the rest of America is asking – “Are you fucking kidding me???”. Do you follow the news at all, Mr. Hankey? If you did, you know Trump has a history of not paying his bills, which is par for the course for the MAGA / Infowars crowd. Which, if we were placing a bet, we’d bet good money that there ain’t no way he’s paying that back.





Right??? You’re helping a guy who wants to be dictator “on day one” – yes, his words – and your only concern is that you didn’t charge enough? What the actual fuck? Trump is trying to skirt his legal bills and prolong his trials so that they don’t interfere with his plans to become dictator and that’s your pathetic excuse? I mean…. Just… AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! The stupid!!! Well, guess what? You know first off your bailout is an admission of guilt. Which means that Trump is definitely guilty of something. What he's guilty of still varies depending on what talk shows you watch. And again, it also highlights the dangers of treating your clients like a line item on a spending bill and not the person. In today’s chapter of “why can’t we have nice things in this country?”…





That’s Trump’s billionaire fraudster sugar daddy and sub-prime auto loan kingpin Don Hankey. This week’s:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
[br] [/font] [br]



Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! This week, there was a conspiracy theory being floated on the Charlie Kirk show that suggested that if the electoral votes were divided, and there were 270 votes for the red team and 270 votes for the blue team, that the one lone Nebraska electoral vote from NV-3, the district that is the home to the state’s capitol, Omaha, could be the key to who wins the 2024 election. But really, is America *THAT* split down the middle? In the last election, Joe Biden defeated Donald Trump by a margin of 7 million votes. But population demographics haven’t changed that much drastically in the last 4 years, so let’s test that theory.





Yeah so that’s one scenario that conservatives have been floating as their plan to take the 2024 election, should the scenario arise! So why are they so bent on changing Nebraska’s rules? Well because they’re an insane cult run by a megalomanical mad man who’s out for world domination and is part of a growing world wide fascist empire, that’s why. So of course they’re going to do anything and everything to hang onto the power they once had, because they’re still apparently drunk with it and it’s going to take everything we have to knock them down from that pedestal!





OK that’s way too much tin foil! But think about this – one vote. What if the entire election came down to one single vote. That would be like your favorite March Madness team losing by one three pointer at the last second. But unlike your typical March Madness tournament, this could have the potential to affect change around the world, which right now seems like it’s for the worst. And we have to stop it at all costs. So what exactly would happen under this newly proposed “winner take all” system? Well Nebraska would join the rest of the country, except for New Hampshire, in having their entire state decided by the full vote count. Which if it came down to that, could be disastrous.





So there you have it, yet another attempt that’s going to possibly flip the 2024 election to Orange Asshole that might be decided by one vote. But again, I ask you, my fair audience- are we really that divided? The answer is a big fat NO. That’s what Trump and Fox News are counting on, though, is for us to be that divided going into the election. In fact, they’re gearing up for Bush V Gore 2, and if it comes down to it, you just know that Fox News is going to find some way to flip the election towards their Golden Calf. Let’s make sure it doesn’t come down to that! Thankfully there’s cooler heads in Nebraska that have put a stop to this… for now. Don’t think they won’t try something, though!






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink: Insane Eclipse Theories
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Hey everyone, I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!



Of course, you know the idea behind this segment is that we have some drinks, and while we are drinking, we talk about literally anything in the news as long as it is not about politics! Because, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there’s a lot of really dark shit in the news right now, and sometimes the only solution is to crack open a cold one or two or three and escape reality for a bit. And don’t worry, my sober brothers and sisters, we got you covered too! Just grab a glass of your favorite coffee, tea or energy drink and come get wired with us! This week, the subject on the table is bugs! And not just any bugs – the ever-annoying cicada is back and hoo boy, if you thought they were annoying and terrible before, you ain’t seen nothing yet! So tell me, bartender, what goes well with a story about a cicada mating frenzy? A cicada martini? What’s in that? Well that’s a really dirty martini! Wait, those things are edible? Seriously? Hard pass. I’ll stick to my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. Sometimes, you got to stick with the classics! Anyway, the cicadas are out for a mating frenzy this year unlike anything that’s ever been seen before, and if you’ve ever seen that Futurama episode, you know what I am talking about!





Oh come on!!! You know that if you follow the end times timeline, locusts naturally follow a plague, which we are still coming out of! And you know usually when there’s plague, what follows is an age of enlightenment, but we seem to be heading in the opposite direction. Oh yeah that’s right, no politics at the bar, I apologize! Getting back on track, the frenzy seems to be massive and it’s something that is a once in a lifetime occurrence, much like the solar eclipse that we just experienced. So how many of these bugs can we expect? Well, to put it in technical terms, a shit ton. How much is a shit ton? Let us know in the comments! And it’s happening not once, but twice!





Yeah sure, drinking Jack looks so much cooler when it’s in black and white, doesn’t it? In fact why don’t we switch for the rest of the segment? And come on, let’s check the frenzy meter, shall we?



It’s full, ladies and gentlemen! The frenzy has reached maximum potential! We did it! Yes!!! Success, success! But here’s one area that could be greatly affected that no one had anticipated – golf courses, yes, that could be a potential nightmare for course owners. Yes, that guy too! Again, no politics at the bar, sir! So what could happen if these tiny insects invade your favorite golf course? Do you get a mulligan or a do over? I guess the house limit is 3 do overs! And come on, man, never ever bet against the house!





So how is the cicada population expected to get as high as it’s being predicted? Well there’s going to be two waves of the insects incoming in mostly various parts of the southern US. And these things will be next to impossible to get rid of as their numbers multiply. You’d better get used to it, because 2024 is going to be the year of these things. They’re probably already in your backyard right now. There’s going to be a lot of bug mating this year. Because come on, a once in a lifetime frenzy is a once in a lifetime frenzy, so let’s get mating!






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[font size="8"] Stupidest State 2024
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16 states will enter and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Well, we come into this week with some absolutely shocking news – Florida was caught cheating in its’ rout of Arizona and has been removed from this year’s tournament. The NFFSA board convened in Inglewood, California to review the accusations and booted Florida from the tournament. They will later decide what further punishment awaits Florida. Moving on, the Elite 8 is shaping up! Last week, we had our first upset of the tournament as #4 South Dakota sank a strong challenge from Nevada to advance to the Elite 8! Meanwhile, over in the Gun Nut Conference, Texas absolutely dominated Georgia by a score of 23 to advance to their 4th consecutive Elite 8! This week it’s the last week of Round 1 as #3 Louisiana looks to fend off #4 Kentucky to play Arizona in the Batshit Conference finals! And over in the Family Values Conference, #3 Oklahoma is challenging #4 North Carolina to advance! We’re live at the home of the San Diego St. Aztecs, the Viejas Arena in San Diego, for all the exciting action! Let’s go to the floor, shall we?

[font size="4"]Batshit Conference: Louisiana Vs Kentucky[/font]

[font size="4"]Louisiana[/font]

Ah……. Looooooooooooooooooosiana is back for another go-round in the Family Values Conference! So the Bayou State, as we’ve established, is one of the most politically volatile states in the entire United States Of America. It’s the home to New Orleans, which is the home of amazing creole food, the New Orleans Saints, and the New Orleans Pelicans. It’s also home of the bizarre right wing push to ban pornography. As you know, the current House Speaker and former porn addict Mike Johnson hails from the Bayou State city of Baton Rouge. And of course his totally normal and not at all super creepy behavior is very well documented. So it’s only natural that this is happening in the rest of his home state.





How about this: How about instead of trying to ban things, why don’t you… I don’t know… properly educate people? You know what else is very rampant in the Bayou State right now? Rodents! That’s right – budget cuts have hindered the city of N’awlins and well, this is a truly unbelievable and totally disgusting story. And of course, once again it’s the byproduct of conservatives doing everything they can to avoid paying taxes. Or doing the right thing.





[font size="4"]Kentucky[/font]

The Bluegrass State is always a favorite in this conference, though they have yet to advance beyond the Elite 8 or win a title. But that’s because it’s home to some of the most volatile politics in the entire country and you never know where they are going to land, but they’re always full of surprises. But the reason Kentucky makes it in the tournament every year is because they’re home to two of the consistently worst senators in the entire country, who somehow keep getting reelected despite that they are so terrible – Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul. But they’re not the only crazy lawmakers in the entire state. There’s definitely this.





Yeah why don’t we just start booing these people out of existence? Their ideas are terrible and they are terrible people, but the echo chamber wants this in power. Again – another reason why we cannot have nice things in this country! But in case you’re wondering – the answer is no, we’re not going to get rid of these extremely terrible politicians anytime soon as long as gerrymandering exists. And once again, elections have consequences. So yeah it’s like that scene from Animal House. The beatings will continue until morale improves.





[font size="4"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Folks, we have a very close one here! Louisiana is up by 5 with one minute to go… Kentucky got called on a foul. First shot… it’s a hit! Second shot… oh also a hit! Louisiana now has the ball! And they’re going for.. 3! YES!! And that’s game! Louisiana hangs on and will advance to play Arizona in the Elite 8! Final score: 93 – 87!

[font size="4"]Family Values Conference: Oklahoma Vs North Carolina[/font]

[font size="4"]Oklahoma[/font]

The Sooner State has long been a favorite in the Family Values Conference. Because it’s the home of some absolutely giant churches. It’s also a state that’s been absolutely decimated by Fox News and the Murdoch cult, going hard red for Trump in 2020. Unfortunately this state looks to get even redder in the upcoming years. Especially since the man who is currently leading Oklahoma schools is a guy who was appointed by Fox News to run the job and he recently hired batshit crazy, notorious social media troll and alleged Jan. 6th rioter Chaya Raichick, who goes by the Twitter / X handle @libsoftiktok. This is an account that’s famous for doxing teachers and doctors and anyone who supports the LGBT agenda, especially the T part. Hiring her in an education role is like giving the alcoholic the keys to the liquor cabinet and your car.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! But of course, the reason why the Sooner State and the home of actor / philanthropist Will Rogers makes the tournament every year is their sheer, unaltered bigotry. Which seems to get worse every year! In fact, you know what we were saying about libsoftiktok? Yeah that account was under fire for inspiring a murder of a non-binary student in Oklahoma. And now Chaya is involved in the OK education department? I mean good god, what the hell are the people of Oklahoma thinking? Oh wait, they aren’t thinking.




[font size="4"]North Carolina[/font]

The Tar Heel State is back for another go round in this tournament! But they shocked the pundits in the regular season and built up a relatively healthy franchise. How? Through some good old grassroots batshit political insanity. Mainly having to do with the guy who could be the next governor of North Carolina – Mark Robinson. Yes, this guy has been all over the news lately, and absolutely none of it is good, and he’s known for shooting his mouth off about the LGBT population, especially the T part. But again he’s got the church and Fox vote locked up so there could be a fight. But congratulations, North Carolina GOP, you have a literal Nazi on your hands!





Yeah seriously, can people stop acting so stupid? In fact you know why people are acting so stupid? It’s because the right wing, ever since the advent of Rush Limbaugh through the Bush administration, has been on an anti-education tear. And nowhere is our anti-education battle more prevalent than the Tar Heel State. Maybe… just maybe… we could stop listening to insane right wingers and stop giving massive megachurches money to buy politicians? You know what the definition of insanity is – doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.





[font size="4"]And The Winner Is:[/font]

Wow, this was a close and exciting one, ladies and gentlemen! It’s tied going into overtime with one minute left… North Carolina for three… ooh just barely misses on the outside! Oklahoma with the rebound… for three! YES!!! North Carolina is out of timeouts… they have one shot! Ooh a miss! And that’s all she wrote! Oklahoma wins, they are celebrating on the court! Final score: 98 – 95!

[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

Next week it’s the first week of Round 2! We’re live at the home of the Arizona Wildcats, the Wells Fargo Center in Phoenix, Arizona, as #1 Texas and #3 Missouri face off in the Gun Nut Conference to punch a ticket to the Final Four! The Elite 8 is set!



[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Bad Religion [/font]

Folks, my next guest are punk rock legends! They are here promoting the No Values festival at the Pomona Fairplex, June 8th! You can get your tickets at novalues.com. Playing their classic song “21st Century Digital Boy”, give it up for the one, the only Bad Religion!



Thank you Las Vegas! It was good to be back at the MGM! We’ll be back again soon! We’re off to New Orleans, Looooooosiana next!` See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Bad Religion Appears Courtesy Of: Epitaph Records
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Brad Garrett’s Comedy Club At The MGM Grand, Las Vegas, NV
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
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Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Mastodon at: Top10ConIdiots@mstdn.party
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Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

March 28, 2024

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #16-7: Fear & Loathing In Buenos Aires Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #16-7: Fear & Loathing In Buenos Aires Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yooooooooooooooo!!! Buenos Aires! What the fuck is up? We made it! We are here! So you might be wondering why we decided to come to Argentina. And we respond with – why not? Well, part of it is we were totally fascinated by the rise of fascism in yet another country that joins the Steve Bannon fascist-verse. And is it OK to make fun of Javier Milei here? Because we are going to unload. Yes, we’ve been saving some of our best material of the season for this one! But we’ve got a great show planned for you tonight so sit back and watch the insanity unfold! Plus we’ve got the great Bleachers joining us! OK do we have time for the thing? Of course we do! It’s my show, damn it! OK so we got to talk about the world of insane foods for the minute. You guys have 7-11s in Buenos Aires, right? We might have a winner for what might be one of the most insane drinks I’ve ever seen – hot dog flavored water. Can we show that? Yes, this is a real product from 7-11. I shit you not! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Right? Come on, how is a Limp Bizkit product tie in not a thing? Thank you sir! For those of you who don’t know, the band Limp Bizkit literally had an album called “Chocolate Starfish & The Hot Dog Flavored Water”. Now hot dog flavored water is a thing! And come on, doesn’t that just sound plain gross? I mean anyone who’s ever been to New York City knows what boiling hot dog water smells like. Yeah not too good either, I gotta say! OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to! But first John Oliver is back and he talks about the dire straights that America’s student loan crisis is in, and it’s mainly thanks to Wall Street and predatory corporations:



Since we’re in Argentina we’re going to devote some of our list this week to it! In the number one slot is Javier Milei (1). And yes, if you’re here, you’re not buying into the lie that Milei is the golden boy savior that the right wing media is making him out to be, and if you’ve noticed in our international coverage, that conservative idiots tend to be the same no matter what country you’re in! Yes, that’s our motto and mission statement! In the second slot this week is that guy who we unfortunately used to call president of the United States and that’s Donald Trump. Yes, we know that he could potentially have his assets seized by the New York attorney general… but we all know damn well that he’s walking out of this without a scratch. Ain’t no justice for that man, I tell you! In the number 3 slot this week, we got to talk about an absolutely bizarre scandal involving the world of sports. Baseball’s golden boy, the Los Angeles’ Dodgers’ Shohei Ohtani is in a whole heap of trouble after his translator (3) got busted for stealing and gambling away large sums of his money, but who’s really to blame here? And how far back does this thing go? Something isn’t sitting quite right here. Taking the 4th slot this week is our old friend libsoftiktok (4). Yes, the most dangerous account on Twitter/Shitter is back and Chaya is taking her trans derangement syndrome fight to... Planet Fitness. Why? Because of an old commercial. Yes, these people need serious lives. Seriously, MAGAs, can you admit that you’re bad at this? Taking the fifth slot this week is a new “We’re All Gonna Die” (5) and this week, we have to talk about the clusterfuck surrounding the controversial Boeing 737 Max 9, and a whole slew of other catastrophes involving the embattled aviation manufacturer, but the problem once again lies at the top! In the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week, you may have heard about a controversial Pay To Pray app called Hallow that’s being endorsed by celebrities like Mark Wahlberg and Justin Bieber, and it’s every bit as scammy as you might think it is! No, it’s not the key to spiritual fulfillment! In the number 7 slot this week, we profile the far right extremist candidate for North Carolina governor and MAGA extremist Mark Robinson (7) in a new edition of This Fucking Guy! In the 8th seed this week is of course our weekly venture into the never-ending black hole of internet insanity in Conspiracy Corner (8) and this week our old friend Marjorie Three Names has gone absolutely bonkers crazy, like off the deep end, and wait until we tell you about her latest crusade, it’s insane! In the number 9 (NEIN!!) slot this week we have a new People Are Dumb (9) because stupid doesn’t take a holiday and neither do we! Finally this week it’s time for Stupidest State 2024 (10)! This week it’s Round 1 Week 3 and #3 Nevada takes on red hot #4 South Dakota in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, while over in the Gun Nut Conference, two juggernauts #1 Texas takes on #2 Georgia to advance to the Elite 8! Things are shaping up! Finally to close things out, we have the great Bleachers joining us! Buy their new album “Bleachers” or you are no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

Ed. Note: Unfortunately, we won’t be able to get to the devastating Francis Scott Key Bridge collapse in Baltimore, but trust us when we say that we will have plenty of material when we come back on the 12th!

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[font size="8"]Javier Milei
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You know we’re in Argentina this week. And it’s absolutely insane to watch country after country around the world get knocked off and succumb to this bizarre new ideology of neo-fascist authoritarianism that’s rising up in places like Turkey, The Philippines, India, Brazil, Italy, the UK, Hungary, China, Japan, the list goes on and on. And the countries where it’s rising up like Canada and Germany are particularly alarming to watch. So when Argentina joined what we’ve been calling the Facsist-verse… yeah worst superhero universe ever… we couldn’t help but want to take a trip to South America. Javier Milei is quite the insane individual, and he’s the exact kind of “leader (?)” that the Fascist-verse seems to attract. The fact that he’s been to Mar-A-Lago is absolutely no surprise either. But in fact, while Milei is doing the opposite of what voters hoped he’d bring to the table, he’s taking his fight internationally. And yes, Argentina has its’ own version of Alex Jones, who you really shouldn’t listen to. So yeah these are what we would call in America, some “bad hombres”.





Yeah so it’s kind of like Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas, but without the mind-numbing pharmaceuticals that Hunter Thompson takes. Instead, let’s call this “Fear & Loathing In Buenos Aires”. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Our graphics department is so good! Anyway, for voters who were hoping that Milei would fix the economy, guess what? You are WRONG! In fact he’s going to make things so much worse! How you might ask? Well if you’re in the Argentinian government, you’re probably going to get a pink slip, if you haven’t already! Yeah save your boos!





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! This is why we say time and time again that you shouldn’t listen to idiots on social media! Stop it already!!! Seriously, is there a Fox News affiliate here in Argentina, does anybody know? Yes? Well that explains it. Stop watching that shit too, it’s bad for you, and we can’t emphasize that enough! But things are so bad in Buenos Aires right now that even the Catholic Church has denounced Milei’s evil administration. Yes, when the Catholic Church tells you that you fucked up, you fucked up!





Yeah so shouldn’t it be obvious by now that Milei is a bad guy? And considering who he hangs out with – people like Trump and Erdogan, those should be signs that nothing is going to go as planned. But you know, we picked a great time to visit Argentina because this comes on the day that the 1976 coup happened. I mean come on, Argentina is no strangers to fascism and authoritarianism. So how could a country elect a guy who’s the opposite of freedom? It just boggles the mind. It’s definitely nothing to screw with. We’re hoping that Argentina can follow Brazil and give Milei the heave ho that he so greatly deserves when his term is up!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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I think it’s time we need to start asking this question – is Donald Trump *EVER* going to get his ass handed to him as he very much deserves? Hey Jack Smith, where the hell are you? Last week, we all got our extra large buckets of popcorn ready as we learned that New York Attorney General Letitia James was ready to lay the smackdown on Trump for not paying his bills. But our hopes were very quickly squashed when we learned that it seems like Trump lives on his own plane of existence complete with his own system of justice. Shit, we saw that when he was congratulating himself for winning his own trophies – at his own rigged golf tournaments. Wait – he *ALLEGEDLY* rigged them. Don’t you dare get us wrong, now! But watching the timeline of events fold on this subject has been the stuff of pure, unfiltered grade A certified insanity. So what does all of this bode for the 2024 election? Well none of it is good in any way. But one thing we do know – Trump’s ass is broke!





Thank you Nelson! But of course, not only is MAGA its’ own self-aware political party with a built-in cultist fanbase, they also have their own justice system apparently! How else do you explain double murderer Kyle Rittenhouse walking free? Yeah he knew what he was getting into! Because while we were watching and waiting for the asset forfeiture to begin, unfortunately they got a bargain out of it, and we don’t want to point fingers, but we really suspect there was some heavy meddling involved. I mean… *COUGH* FOX NEWS *COUGH*. Excuse me.





But of course, Trump cannot simply shut the fuck up about any subject. He of course went on his social media hidey-hole, Truth Social. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Yeah, soon to be the victim of a pump and dump stock scandal! So what happens? He gets yet another gag order, which he will most likely have violated in 3… 2… 1. Yeah, I don’t know about you guys, but I like presidents who don’t have repeated gag orders imposed on them because they refuse to shut the fuck up. Yeah isn’t it ironic that the people who call themselves the “silent majority” are the loudest and dumbest in the room? I mean come on with that shit!





Dude, he seriously didn’t last even 24 hours! How the hell are you going to expect him to keep his mouth shut on anything? If there’s one good thing to come out of this, it’s that he can’t attend any of his stupid rallies now or for the foreseeable future because – wait for it – his ass is broke! But while we watch and wait for the sentencing, we’re going to assume that he’s going to make some obscene and defamatory statements until this shit show is finally over. Of course, by the time it’s finally over, he’ll either be dead or in jail. And his supporters – what’s left of them – will almost certainly blame it on the “deep state”, whatever that is. At least the good news is he can’t go anywhere for a while.






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[font size="8"]Shohei Ohtani Gambling Scandal
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We don’t usually cover a lot of sports related topics on this program, but when this story broke last week, it practically broke the internet, so we have to talk about it. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this program, we hail from Southern California. Our home office is in Santa Ana, CA, not too far from our home venue, the Observatory OC, which has been our gracious hosts and permanent home since COVID restrictions were lifted in 2022. Which would make our closest MLB team the Los Angeles Angels, and they’ve had their share of problems over the years. And last year, they traded baseball’s golden boy Shohei Ohtani to the Los Angeles Dodgers for the paltry sum of $700 million. But this latest story threw the entire baseball world for a loop. It involves Ohtani’s longtime translator Ippei Mizuhra, who stole and gambled away nearly $5 million. Between this and Bruno Mars, you gotta wonder when people know when to hold them and when to fold them! But gambling scandals are nothing new in the MLB, but this is baseball’s first billion dollar player to be held accountable!





Now those of you in the audience who are long time baseball fans might be asking “But what about Pete Rose?”. Well.. we got ya covered! Because the guy who originally drew attention to the world of professional gambling in sports has got some thoughts. But Ohtani isn’t the only player in baseball who’s up to their ass in a gambling scandal. Apparently it’s a growing problem in the MLB, especially in the wake of online gambling and sites like Draft Kings and Fan Duel, which are hugely popular apps that can let you bet on sports via microtransactions.





Now you might be asking – what about Shohei Ohtani’s brand? He’s one of the most popular players in baseball with a worldwide following. He’s got product deals in Japan and in the United State in the millions in addition to his contract with the Dodgers and his contract with his former team, the Los Angeles Angels. People have traveled across the ocean to see him in person and buy all of the souvenirs that they can! But in all seriousness, this has created a problem, I believe the technical term you’re looking for is “clusterfuck”. Well as we’ve learned from past mega contracts with giant baseball superstars, there’s no such thing as a guaranteed title. So of course, Ohtani has to have his best interests looking out for him ahead of opening day.





Now you might be asking – how does Ohtani’s former team, the Los Angeles Angels fit into this clusterfuck of a situation? Well, I answer you – it’s complicated! Yes, we all know that the Angels have had their fair share of problems, mostly thanks to its’ long time money grubbing owner Arte Moreno, the only owner in MLB to literally kill one of his own players through gross negligence (see: Idiots #12-6 ). But after hearing his side of the story, we can safely say that gambling isn’t one of those problems! So no matter which team you root for, bring on opening day!






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[font size="8"]Libsoftiktok
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It's absolutely scary to think where this country could be headed under a couple of administrations of total republican rule. Which is what the powers / fuckheads that be want in the 2024 election and beyond. In fact if you want to see a nightmare blueprint of what could potentially happen, check out the Heritage Foundation’s controversial Project 2025 (see: Idiots #15-13 ). No doubt one of the people who would help make Project 2025 happen is Chaya Raichik. You know her as the darling of Twitter/Shitter under the handle libsoftiktok. For those of you who don’t know, this is an account that’s famous for the doxing and harassment of teachers, principals, and anyone who might actually have empathy for anyone who’s LGBT. This week, the most dangerous account on Twitter/Shitter is back at it again. This week, taking the fight on “wokeness” (whatever that is) to Planet Fitness. Why? Because they dared to assist a trans person in the locker room. Yes, this is a terrible tale of how something that sounds innocent can spark the fury and ire of social media trolls worldwide.





Oh you can just go fuck right the fuck off with that religious hyperbole bullshit, OK? Not everything has to be a church! And yes, the religious conservative wingnut wing of the MAGA party has claimed yet more victims! You thought last year’s Pride Month was bad? This year’s is going to be an absolute bloodbath! We really wonder how MAGA conservatives have anything left. There’s no beer they can drink, there’s no corporations or anything they’ll patronize. They even boycotted their own news networks after January 6th. They’ll have nothing left except to sit and stare at the walls.





Yes, I’m pretty sure that if you look up the word “tool” in the dictionary, you’d see Chaya’s picture right there. Yeah, what a truly sad, miserable existence you must have to make doxing and threatening people your profession. But again, how much money Planet Fitness loses entirely depends on what talk shows you watch. If you watch, say, Fox & Friends, you would see their claims of them losing $400 million. But it’s absolutely insane to think that the same MAGA hatred that worked in last year’s Bud Light boycott would work again this time around.





Seriously, you think maybe spying on other members on accusations of them being trans would get you kicked out? It absolutely should! But the right wingers and this whole “war on woke” thing is ultimately going to come back and bite them in the ass hard. It’s starting to already. But what are they supposed to do? Have all gender locker rooms and bathrooms like in Ally McBeal? Yeah that doesn’t exactly work in real life. But you can’t please anybody. And you especially can’t please the MAGA crowd, so companies should just start telling them to fuck off. Even Kid Rock thinks the Bud Light boycott went too far. But keep going there, MAGAs, you’re only making yourselves look like the idiots you are.






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[font size="8"]We’re All Gonna Die: The Max 9 Controversy
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Hey everyone, guess what? We’re all gonna die! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOO. WOOO. WOO. So what is going to kill us all this week, you might ask? Well, you want to play a guessing game? I’ll give you a hint – it’s not a natural disaster. It’s not a man made one. It’s not a killer virus or a new mutation of one. This week, our killer is… *drum roll* man made! Yes, we are going to be the cause of our own demise on this one! How, you might ask? Well, I answer you – planes! Yes, you’ve probably heard all of the disaster fearmongering coming from your evening news program of choice surrounding Boeing’s controversial 737 Max 8 and Max 9 series of jets. Trust us when we say that we went down that wormhole, and to quote one of my favorite podcast hosts, it ain’t good! Yes, there is nothing good that can come of what Boeing has been doing. In fact it’s far worse than you would ever think humanly possible, and if you’re scared of flying, now would be a good time to book those Greyhound Bus tickets for your next vacation, or even buy stock in Greyhound!





So far nobody has died yet. At least that we know… and that Boeing wants you to know! Gasp! It’s a conspiracy! Oh sure, a plane scraping the runway here… a door flying off there, these are all just harmless incidents in the way of Boeing fellating their shareholders. Yeah, just try and picture that image for a minute. But yes, once again the shareholders and CEO class are entirely to blame for the latest series of fuck ups that have cost what was once one of America’s crown jewels of manufacturing it’s nearly 100 year reputation.





No we’re not going to die. But should you face Boeing anxiety, which is a relatively new thing, you might want to consider taking the bus or Amtrak. At this point, it’d probably be safer to eat at Mar-A-Lago, and that’s still taking a pretty big risk! In fact it’s actually causing airlines to downgrade their products at least for now! If you think things are bad with the 737 Max 8 and Max 9 are bad, just wait until you see the latest update with the Max 10! Yeah let that be a lesson to Boeing – you’re just replacing the wrong thing with another wrong thing, and it ain’t good! You know the textbook definition of insanity – doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results!





No, you thought wrong. We’re still not all gonna die. Of course, the fearmongering panic has caused people to rethink their travel plans. Some are even switching to all Airbus airlines like JetBlue to avoid the possibility of flying on a Boeing plane. But you know what would solve all of this? Market regulation, it’s that simple. This is what the GOP doesn’t get. Letting the market regulate itself is an absolutely terrible idea. We need rules and regulations so we avoid catastrophes. This is what I’ve been trying to teach you guys! There’s a cause and effect for every problem out there. It’s science.






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: Hallow Be Thy Name
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know, as we have often been saying, we currently live in the darkest of times, with humanity just teetering over the edge of World War III and rising fascism and totalitarianism around the globe. As such, people are looking for salvation and enlightenment! But do we really need an app that allows us to pray with celebrities? But when this is the most popular app on the app store, we have to talk about it! Even crazier is that this app is getting an endorsement from Fox News of all places. Yes, of course we’re alarmed at the increasing merging of church and state, and we really don’t want Fox News to become state run television under an authoritarian regime. But we should be particularly alarmed that they’re promoting this pay to pray app while also having some of the biggest names in right wing politics on their programs. Yes, literally nothing good can come of this no matter how you try to justify it!





Yeah sure, what’s a few million to splurge on merging this country ever closer to becoming a religious authoritarian nightmare? Look, our government is not your church, OK? This isn’t funny by any stretch of the imagination! For these are people who do not support GAWD or JAYSUS! No, they support the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! So go ahead… bow and pray on network television. It’s not like they’re trying to hide their true intentions or anything.





Yeah come on, isn’t Fox News supposed to be the “We Report, You Decide” network? Maybe Fox News should change its’ motto from “We report, you decide” to “Come for the political hatred, stay for baby JAYSUS! You like JAYSUS, right?”. So who’s behind this app, you might ask? Well, we answer you – some folks who say that we need to be bigger than ourselves. Which normally wouldn’t be a bad thing, but when you consider the customers of this particular phone app, we can’t help but be alarmed at their true intentions! You probably saw that Super Bowl ad too, didn’t you? Yeah we did!





Yeah so Hallow is doing some pretty nice business. Of course, when the Holy Shit pay to pray app launches, you know that we are not part of the plot to bring religious fascism to the United States, and we don’t tell you who to vote for, either! The numbers are pretty impressive, we’re not going to lie, but we really don’t want this cult taking over our country. But it just goes to show you that it only proves George Carlin’s point – god is all knowing and all powerful, but he just can’t handle money! So do you really want celebrities like Mark Walhberg and Justin Bieber and Liam Neeson telling you how you should pray? Well if you do, then you do you.





So that’s the most popular app in the app store, and no doubt it will spawn copycats! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Mark Robinson
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This week’s This Fucking Guy is the current Lieutenant Governor of the state of North Carolina and the GOP nominee for the NC governor’s race – Mark Robinson! This guy is so extreme that he’s the most extreme candidate that the GOP has had in decades, if ever. And he’s a surefire sign of the direction that party is heading in – which is full blown authoritarianism / Nazism. That’s something that, as history has shown time and time again, is something that you don’t want to fuck with. In fact, Mr. Robinson is probably the closest thing that the GOP has to a literal Nazi among their ranks. You don’t think I’m kidding when I say that this fucking guy is a literal Nazi? He’s on record actively denying that the Holocaust happened! Yes, the systematic murder of millions of Jewish people in Germany during the 1940s is all just a big hoax! Ha ha ha… fuck you.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Good job, GOP! Thanks to the increasing insanity of your 24 hour a day echo chamber, you’ve got a literal Holocaust denier among your ranks! He’s so extreme that he’s off the rails by even current GOP standards. Yeah you know how they always talk about racism and sexism quietly? He’s loud and proud about his open hatred. And yes, this is from the same party that brought you Marjorie Greene and Lauren Boebert. If you think that the GOP can’t sink any lower, well, they hit rock bottom a long time ago and they’re currently hovering somewhere above the bottom of the Marianus Trench. That’s pretty low!





Yeah so he’s a Holocaust denier who’s made hateful remarks about everyone and we haven’t even begun to explore this rabbit hole yet. Because it does get weirder, my friends! And you really got to wonder, if this guy is a preacher by trade, who the hell attends his church? Look at all of his most extreme quotes – he checks all of the MAGA boxes and then some. We’re not saying all MAGAs are Nazis, but all Nazis are MAGAs! And it’s absolutely scary to think that This Fucking Guy could be the next governor of North Carolina. Yes, my friends, this type of behavior should not be encouraged or supported by anyone!





Yeah only in today’s GOP, which has gone completely off the rails, does terrible behavior like what Mark Robinson demonstrates, gets rewarded instead of punished. It’s even scarier to think that this fucking guy could potentially be North Carolina’s next governor. Please, North Carolina, I’m begging you – time to flush this MAGA turd down the sewer which he came from! But you can’t get a better picture of the GOP voter who’s been brainwashed to vote against their best interests than Mark Robinson. Seriously, we’d expect much, much less from the guy who thinks that Obamacare is detriment to enslavement. No we’re not making that one up, either! And yes, he’s Trump’s pick, not surprisingly!





Yes, that’s the Holocaust denying, mass shooting supporting, Trump backed governor for North Carolina, Mark Robinson. This week’s:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! So this week, our old buddy Marjorie Greene, aka Marjorie Three Names, aka Marjorie Shit For Brains, is back in the news again. And she’s got a whopper of a conspiracy theory to sell you on. Apparently… there’s some baby organ harvesting going on. Yeah… I’ve had absolutely no idea this was happening, did you? Of course that’s what happens when you spend all of your time lurking around the dark corners of the internet. Yes, the craziest person ever elected to Congress is… well… not onto something.





Yeah so hiring a guy who blew up abortion clinics is probably not the best source for this particular subject. I’m just saying. But when you make up your own conspiracy theories, and you only appeal to the conservative echo chamber and nothing else, these are the kinds of things that get filled in… well, whatever used to be a functioning brain. The echo chamber demolishes and wipes all cognitive thought, much like when you format a hard drive. Yes, the conspiracy theories do that to you. Of course, the debate was very sporadically attended, so we are basically just going to go out on a limb here and say that it’s not a very popular subject.





Yeah so despite what you may have heard… your odds of this happening about as slim as if you had won the lottery or got struck by lightning. So what is this based on, you might ask? Well I answer you – the actual story is based on a 2019 investigation of the University Of Pittsburgh by the FBI, and well the investigation… turned up absolutely nothing. But that doesn’t mean that it didn’t spark the furor and imaginations of internet conspiracy theorists worldwide. And while Greene’s claims are mostly based on wild accusations, it was enough that it prompted the Democrats to do some actual fact checking.





So was this conspiracy theory a cry for help… or just your daily dose of insanity? I’d say a little column A, a little column B. But here’s the point – if you’re going to make a claim as bizarre as this one, at least do some damn research. And don’t just rely on the dark corners of the internet to relay your misinformation, because that’s exactly how misinformation gets you into trouble. Some batshit crazy people who may have performed the deed you’re talking about, probably aren’t your best sources on this. What’s even more disgusting is that while the rest of the world is totally mortified by her insane behavior, she thinks she’s being cute and funny by being an awful person. Usually the best way to stop trolls is to stop feeding them.






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course, you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb! I always want to preface by saying what makes a People Are Dumb story. A guy who robs a McDonalds? Not a People Are Dumb story. A guy who calls the cops and then starts destroying McDonalds property because they ran out of Big Macs? That’s a People Are Dumb story! And not all People Are Dumb stories are stupid criminals either, but we love stupid criminal stories, don’t get me wrong! And just remember – nobody is safe from stupid people, no matter where you are! Let’s start with this story out of Colorado. We’ve all seen great car chase movies, whether the classics like Bullit, or modern ones like Baby Driver. But if there’s one thing you shouldn’t do after a bank robbery, is that you shouldn’t outsource your getaway driving to Uber. Yeah, maybe have a plan to have a driver in place if you’re going to rob a bank. This is classic People Are Dumb!





Ha! Great movie! Next up – speaking of car chases, if you’re going to steal a car, again have your robberies carefully planned out, people! Of course, like the movies we just mentioned, anything that could go wrong, usually does go wrong! As is the case with this crook out of Wisconsin, who stole a car and then picked one of the worst places you could possibly hide out. And then of course, the hideout gives way and you’re exposed! Yes, this does remind us of Grampa Simpson in that Sideshow Bob episode, thanks!





Next up – you know that we’re big fans of the show Breaking Bad around here. And of course, this show has spawned tons of real life copycat Walter Whites. And what do we say whenever you do something illegal around here? Don’t get the police involved! That’s right! So naturally what does this guy from New York do after building his own real life meth lab? He calls the cops. And it wasn’t to turn himself in, oh no! It was to report a robbery that took place at his place! So what happens? He gets caught with a crime after reporting one! Yeah… next time you should probably keep that one to yourself. If there is a next time!





You’re god damn right! Of course, you know that we can’t get out of here without mentioning America’s most penis-shaped state. The Sunshine State. Florida. Because Florida never stops bringing us story after story of the world’s craziest people. In fact the list of sane Floridians grows smaller by the day. And I want to start with this story out of Daytona Beach. And what is it about beach communities that attracts the craziest people? Who knows? Well this story is everything you’d expect from a classic Florida Man story and it’s got everything!





Finally this week – this seems to be a recurring theme this week with robberies that have gone horribly wrong. But it just goes to show you that no amount of planning ahead of time can ensure that a robbery goes perfectly, as we have witnessed on this program time and time again! This one happened in Lee County where these guys decided to steal a perfectly good golf cart and well, didn’t take into account that golf cart happened to belong to the local police. And it had a tracking unit on it. Said tracking unit led the cops right to our would-be thieves! That’s a classic Florida Man story and a classic People Are Dumb story!





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"] Stupidest State 2024: Round 1 Week 3
[br] [/font] [br]

16 states will enter, and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Folks, the road to the Elite 8 marches on! Last week it was a great one, as Alabama utterly routed Tennessee to take control of the Family Values Conference. Meanwhile, over in the Fiscal Irresponsibility conference, this happened. Yes… Ohio sank a last second 3 pointer to sink Wisconsin to advance to their spot in the Elite 8! This week, continuing over in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, #3 Nevada looks to repeat from last year, while red hot #4 South Dakota has their number locked and loaded! And over in the Gun Nut Conference, 2022 champion Texas looks to regain their muster and defeat #2 Georgia to take the crown! We’re live at the home of the UNLV Running Rebels, the Thomas & Mack Center, for all the exciting action! Let’s end the introductions and go to the floor, shall we?

[font size="4"]Fiscal Irresponsibility Quarterfinals: Nevada Vs South Dakota [/font]

[font size="4"]Nevada [/font]

The Silver State is always a favorite in this conference and it’s because the corruption of the casino and gambling industry knows no boundaries. But they shocked the United States when they flipped from red to blue in 2020 and went even bluer in 2024. That hasn’t stopped hardline conservatives from coming after the state that could most likely hold the key to who controls the Senate after the election. One thing that we cannot deny is that one thing you should absolutely never do under any circumstances is hire anyone MAGA, because they will bleed you dry! One school district in Henderson found out the hard way why you shouldn’t do this!





And by the way speaking of insane political cults, Nevada recently had a brush with one that stole hundreds of millions of dollars. And well, it ended about as poorly as expected. But if there’s one thing that we’ve been trying to teach you over the years that we’ve been doing this program – ponzi schemes are bad. You should never get involved with a ponzi scheme. Because we’ve seen how those movies end, and they usually end with a shootout with the FBI. That seems like it could be one of those old DirecTV ads, doesn’t it?





[font size="4"]South Dakota[/font]

The Mount Rushmore State is one of the more popular contenders in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference. Since they’ve been led by Fox News installed coach Kristi Noem, they’ve been consistently one of the stupider states in the union. And a huge part of it has to do with the MAGA / Fox News / conservative obsession with American symbolism, and their desire to have a huge fireworks display behind Mt. Rushmore on July 4th. Which has been time and time again, shut down by the local native American tribes because the forest surrounding Mt. Rushmore can have the potential for some massive forest fires. And well, we gotta side with the tribes on this one. In fact they’re so fed up with Noem, not just with her insanity about Mt. Rushmore, or her increasingly racist rhetoric, that this happened.





Thank you Nelson! And by the way in case you’re wondering who gets money from the government in South Dakota, well this will make you boo. So there’s a traveling rodeo event called the Governor’s Cup, which has called itself the “richest rodeo in South Dakota history”. And in fact it even featured some true MAGA rah rah flag waving as Gov. Noem rode in on horseback while carrying the American flag (ugh), and their grand prize in the competition is $1 million dollars. Yes. So why does it need more money, you might ask? Well I answer you: it’s all about greed! Yes, to paraphrase a quote from Homer Simpson – “To money! The cause of and solution to all of life’s problems!”.





[font size="4"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, we potentially have an upset brewing! South Dakota is ahead by 5 with 30 seconds to go… for 3! YES!!!! Nevada is completely out of timeouts here. A foul has been called on SD, Nevada has the ball. Shot… it’s in! But South Dakota has the ball… YES! And that’s game! Final score 88 – 81! South Dakota is celebrating on the court, they are advancing to the Elite 8!

[font size="4"]Gun Nut Conference: Texas V Georgia [/font]

[font size="4"]Texas[/font]

Texas sits atop the Gun Nut Conference yet again! Under governor and coach Greg Abbott, they’ve been on an absolutely unprecedented run, winning the Gun Nut Conference 5 times and cruised to 4 Stupidest State titles. And a lot of it stems from continuing Fox News sponsored crises at the US – Mexican border. But this was one of the most alarming things that Gov. Abbott said regarding the border, and it’s shocking how evil it is. In fact, Texas makes our list simply because of this and we can’t fathom how anyone still votes for conservatives in this state. And yes, Fox News is largely responsible for this horror, and we wonder how they keep getting away with it!





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! And damn right! By the way, we don’t have to point out time and time again how much guns are prevalent in Texas. Because holy crap does Texas love them some guns. And police. Remember last year’s Uvalde shooting? Yeah 400 police and nobody could do anything about it before it was too late. But you know what they can do something about? Porn. And it’s because of their weird obsession with kids and porn that we can’t put our fingers on. Yeah make that make sense. They’re quick to ban porn but they won’t do a damn thing about guns.





[font size="4"]Georgia [/font]

Florida’s neighbor Georgia loves them some guns. In fact they can’t get enough of them. The Peach State is rife with guns and gun nuts, as evidenced by long time Fox News installed governor and coach Brian Kemp. The Peach State did shock the country when it flipped blue in 2020 and could potentially go even bluer in 2024. But the state that gave us the loudest and dumbest member of Congress in United States history, Marjorie Three Names is always full of surprises and one of the most politically volatile in the entire country. One thing we’ve seen a lot of in this country is the rise of “ghost guns” – guns that can be 3-D printed, use real ammo, and there’s no trace of them because there’s no serial number associated with them. They’re creeping up in Georgia.





Yes, we do realize that a lot of you are stroking guns! So we’ll leave it up to the floor! But guns are so bad in Georgia that there’s everything from lawmakers pushing gun control and ammo taxes to proposing a “do not sell” list. But in fact, this is why elections matter and they matter at every single level! While most people want to do more to control guns, in the Peach State, they’re doing the exact opposite! And republicans in the state senate there are doing every thing they can to sell more guns, and just imagine how much worse things are going to get!





[font size="4"]And The Winner Is:[/font]

Wow, we didn’t see this one coming! Georgia started off strong, but Texas has come back from behind and they are currently leading 102 – 95 with less than a minute on the clock! Georgia for 3… a miss… oh so close! On the rebound… YES! But Texas has the ball with 15 seconds remaining… for 3! YES! And that’s game! There’s no counting Texas out, folks! Final score: 105 – 97! Texas moves on, Georgia goes home!

[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

Folks it’s the last week of Round 1, and it’s going to be a great one, as #3 Louisiana looks to duke it out against #4 Kentucky for control of the Batshit Conference! And over in the Family Values Conference, red hot #3 Oklahoma looks to fend off challenger #4 North Carolina to advance! We’re live from the home of the San Diego State Aztecs, the Viejas Arena, in San Diego for all the exciting action! The Elite 8 is shaping up!



[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Bleachers [/font]

Folks, my next guest is a great band from New Jersey, and their lead singer Jack Antonoff produced Taylor Swift’s Midnights. Playing their song “Modern Girl” from their album “Bleachers”, give it up for Bleachers!



Thank you Argentina and South America! This was fun! We’ll be back again soon! We’re taking a short break next week, we’ll be back on April 12th with a brand new edition live from Las Vegas! Yes, that is a Friday! See you in two weeks!

Credits

Host: Initech
Bleachers Appear Courtesy Of: Dirty Hit Records
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: La Trastienda Club, Buenos Aires, Argentina
Special Thanks To: Visit Argentina Tourism Bureau
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Mastodon at: Top10ConIdiots@mstdn.party
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Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com

Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

March 21, 2024

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #16-6: Wheel Of Corruption: Rogue Nation Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #16-6: Wheel Of Corruption: Rogue Nation Edition

Ed. Note – apologies to the affiliates, but we may be going a bit longer than normal this week! Who cares? We're in Brazil! Enjoy!

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yoooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Brazil! What the fuck is up? We made it! We are here! How cool is that? We’ve been having so much fun since we got here and you guys sold us out! To commemorate this visit, we’ve got the famous Wheel Of Corruption here and we’re ready to rock, so let’s do this! So you might be asking “Why Sao Paolo?” to which we answer “Why not?”. We’ve been wanting to do something in South America for a while now and the opportunity presented itself, so we took it! And we want to thank the good folks at the Visit Brazil tourism board who made this whole trip possible, give them a round of applause! And look, we admire Brazil. Why? Because you guys told Bolsonaro supporters and fascists to fuck off after they attempted to storm your capital building. Don’t you see? Playing with fascism and authoritarianism is like playing with fire! No good can possibly come of it! But we decided to embark on this South American excursion because we wanted to further explore the world in our attempts to understand how things work and how someone might, just might choose a leader like Bolsonaro or Trump. Hopefully we can make it so that never happens again. Yeah, I think we can all agree with that, right? Anyway we’re hanging out in Brazil and Argentina for this trip and yes we’re working with some folks to visit Ecuador and Chile at some point. And one thing we do love about South America is that you guys fucking rock! Yeah! Because of that, we got one of our favorite metal bands to play for us to celebrate this coming together! Yeah give it up for Sepultura! Come on! OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first, Jon Stewart is back and he questions whether or not the GOP can really call themselves “patriots”:



Hey kids, the Wheel Of Corruption is back! YAY!!!!!!!!!!! So, Brazil, where do we begin this week? Well the number slot this week – we’re going to do a Top 10 update. Four years ago, humanity was thrown into shambles because of the devastation caused by the COVID-19 lockdowns (1) and we’re going to answer the question that the MAGAs have been asking on social media – “Are you better off than you were 4 years ago?” and the answer is a resounding yes! In the second slot this week is that guy who we inexplicably used to call president (2) – yes, I know this comment is coming from a Trump rally, which we banned coverage of, but considering it even got Biden’s attention, we have to talk about it, and that’s his controversial “bloodbath” comment. And we’re pretty sure he wasn’t referring to the auto industry, despite what the idiots on social media are telling you. In the number 3 slot this week is Congress (3) and there’s apparently a bill that for some reason actually has bipartisan support – that could ban Tik Tok from the US. Is it legal? And could it happen? We’ll examine both sides of the argument! In the number 4 slot this week is the MAGA Qongress (4). Yes, the worst House ever once again attempted to impeach Biden and it blew up in their faces. This is what happens when you let a certain news network do all of your critical thinking for you! And speaking of news network fearmongering, in the number 5 segment is a new edition of We’re All Gonna Die (5) and this week – it’s the reboot nobody asked for, or wanted as Florida is reporting cases of diseases that were previously thought to be eradicated – measles and mumps! Thanks, anti-vaxxers! Also go fuck yourselves! In the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week we’re going to examine claims made by Christian nationalists, and show you that nationalism isn’t just a uniquely American problem, it’s a global problem! Yup, Nazism version 2.0! In the number 7 slot this week is a new Beating A Dead Horse (7) and this week we’re going to examine claims made by the two biggest names in artificial intelligence and see – is there too much diversity? No, there is no such thing! In the number 8 slot this week is of course our weekly venture into the bottomless pit of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner (8) and this week – our old buddy RFK Jr has selected a running mate and it’s… Aaron Rodgers? What the actual fuck??? I wouldn’t trust either of these idiots to run a Waffle House, let alone the White House! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new People Are Dumb, because of course they are! Finally this week it’s time for Stupidest State 2024! And this week we’re live in Sacramento where it’s a battle to see who can go for broke in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference as #1 Ohio takes on #2 Wisconsin, while over in the Family Values Conference, #1 Alabama takes on #2 Tennessee to advance to the quarter finals! The action is heating up! Finally to close things out, we have a live performance from Brazilian heavy metal legends Sepultura! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]COVID-19: The 4th Anniversary
[br] [/font] [br]



Of course you know the rules by now – I spin the wheel and we have to talk about whatever the subject it lands on. Of course if it lands on the guacamole option, you know that it costs $1.50 extra. And the wheel is all new with lots of items on it! I want to preface that we are no longer featuring the A Random Tweet option. Yes, we are actively boycotting content from Elon’s X / Twitter platform. That’s going to be replaced with clips from one of my favorite shows, Curb Your Enthusiasm. So if you see the Larry David option, you know what’s coming! Here’s what is on the wheel this week:

- Guns
- Crime
- Abortion
- Poverty
- Congress
- The Insurrection
- Treason
- Buy A Vowel
- Donald Trump
- Midterm Elections
- Clip Without Context
- 5,000
- Nazi Germany
- Fox News
- ‘Merica
- My Pillow
- Bankrupt
- Chance
- Fox News
- Something Random In The News
- Whammy
- Community Chest
- Death
- Homosexuality
- The US Constitution
- We’re All Gonna Die
- Greed
- Clip Without Context
- Top 10 Investigates
- Beating A Dead Horse
- This Fucking Guy
- Intermission
- Holy Shit
- Larry David
- MAGA Cult Cringe
- Double Whammy
- Buy A Vowel
- Conspiracy Corner
- Random Movie Reference
- Guacamole
- 10,000
- People Are Dumb
- I Need A Drink
- Infowars
- Go Directly To Jail
- Random TV Reference
- T-Shirt Cannon
- Infowars
- People Who Somehow Got Elected
- COVID-19
- Lightning Round
- Bonus Spin

Let’s start by giving the wheel a good strong spin, shall we? And it lands on… wait for it… oh hey it’s one of our patented Clips Without Context!



Uh… fucking what??? Tell me you don’t know anything about immigration without telling me you don’t know anything about immigration. And… fuck you, Chip Roy. Spin it again! And it lands on… COVID-19!

Holy shit. It’s been 4 years. 4 years since not just the USA, not just China, Russia, Europe, Africa, South America, Australia, India… the entire fucking world shut down to deal with a strange new virus that was going to cause 18 months of lockdown pain and destroy the global economy and kill people in the millions. Time flies, doesn’t it? We only knew the virus then as “coronavirus”. Which could mean any number of things. It was later known as COVID-19. You can search Top 10 history back to when we first started covering it too, when it was just a blip on page 4 (see: Idiots #8-5 ). Hell, we even got a warning from the Doomsday Clock that something really terrible was brewing (see: Idiots #8-4 ). You can even relive the year that followed if you like with our 2020 Year In Review edition (see: Idiots #9-19 ). So how do we commemorate the 4th anniversary of the lockdowns? Well, we’re going to answer the question that Trump has been pegging lately – “Are you better off than you were 4 years ago?”. The answer for most people who don’t live in the Murdoch / Fox News bubble 24/7 is a resounding yes. But it seems like MAGA has a collective blank on what actually happened in the year 2020. We don’t!





Yeah seriously… does anybody remember 4 years ago? Does anybody remember having to ration out toilet paper or scrubbing down their groceries? Remember Insta-Cart and having to deal with delivery drivers because we couldn’t leave the house? Or having to do home haircuts? Going to the bar on Zoom night? Their favorite local watering holes and burger and pizza joints going under? Oh yeah those wer fun times! Remember reading about how the economy was tanking? About how refrigerator trucks were being used as makeshift morgues? And these idiots had the nerve to call COVID a hoax and played it off like it was merely a head cold. Oh and let’s not forget the economy! Which right now is doing better than ever despite what Fox News would have you believe!





Seriously, even Fox admitted that the economy is doing well. So they can’t have that to ruin the 2024 election on. And it will be just in time for the next GOP president to take credit for it! But you know, another thing – does anyone else remember just how many people voluntarily sacrificed themselves because they believed the propaganda being passed around on social media instead of listening to the actual experts? Oh yeah, don’t think we’re letting them get away with that one! So while we were waiting for them to “contain” the virus (which didn’t happen), others acted like it was no big deal.





So now the question is – did we learn anything from it? And I’m going to say probably not. Actually, no, that’s not true. We did learn something. We learned that half of the population is utterly psychotic and will not listen to the other half. We also learned a very hard truth – there *WILL* be another pandemic that will be *THAT* much worse than you would ever expect. We haven’t even hit what scientists call “the big one” yet. God help us when that happens! But usually after pandemics, most societies go through an age of enlightenment. We seem to be going in the opposite direction. So are we better off than we were 4 years ago? Yes! Even the RNC head admits it!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

Spin that shit! And it lands on… come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… STOP! It lands on Larry David!



Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh man I’m going to miss that show when it’s over. Spin it again! And it lands on… Donald Trump. Ugh.

Look… you can chastise me all you want, and I know that we’ve put a temporary ban on covering Trump’s insane Nazi rallies which are getting more insane by the day. But when Trump makes what may be the most extreme comment he’s ever made – a comment that got denounced by President Biden himself – we can’t ignore it! Yes, he commented that there will be a “bloodbath” if he doesn’t get reelected in November. But what the fuck does that even mean? And don’t worry, we’ll get to their lame-ass excuse for this comment in a minute. But you know it’s a fucked up week when Trump can say a comment like this and both sides drop and go “LET’S FIGURE IT OUT!!!” and it’s not even the top spot on the list this week! Remember when Trump told the Proud Boys to “stand back and stand by” and then we had a riot at the Capitol which got 5 people including Capitol police? Yeah we’re not stupid, despite that Fox News thinks we are. So here’s more of what that means.





Yeah seriously, what the fuck is he blathering about? Yes, MAGA fuck faces, we’re well aware that his comments were allegedly about the auto industry. We can read the whole article too! But you know what? I’m not going to take advice about cars from a guy who’s never bought or driven a car his entire adult life. Let Trump fuck with Hyundai Financial and see how he likes paying 5% interest on a 60 month loan. Yeah thank you audience! Apologies to Hyundai Financial by the way, I’m sure they are a fine organization. But you can literally use this new thing called Google and see that Trump has a history of making violent comments and threats towards anyone and everyone who he doesn’t agree with.





We certainly can! And yes we know what Trump means when he uses violent code language, it was a favorite tactic of Adolf Hitler. Look, we KNOW that his comments are about the auto industry, but it still doesn’t excuse them. But the question now is – was it literal or not? Well, the question of whether or not it was literal entirely depends again, on what news network you watch. If you watch Fox or Newsmax, you probably saw these headlines. These are real! Why yes, we watch Newsmax so you don’t have to! But if you saw MSNBC or CNN, the headlines will probably look drastically different.





Yeah blah blah blah. Please go kindly fuck right the fuck off. We all know what Trump means when he says super violent shit. But we also know that context matters. And we know that what context it is in entirely depends on what news networks you watch. Was it taken out of context? We’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and say that it’s possible. But don’t think for a minute that we don’t know what Trump’s true motives are. I mean this is the guy who said that he wants to be a dictator “on day one”, and it only takes one day to declare yourself dictator for life! So fuck off with that “it was about the auto industry” bullshit. Any industry should be scared of this guy and the damage he can do!






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[font size="8"]Tik Tok Ban
[br] [/font] [br]

Spin it to win it! And it lands on… come on, no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… STOP! Chance!



Sweet! I’ll just put that away for later! Spin it again! And it lands on… wait for it… Congress!

You know the old saying “Those who are willing to trade freedom for security do not deserve either one”. It’s a quote that’s attributed to founding father Benjamin Franklin. Of course, they didn’t live to see the internet era. Tik Tok is a social media app. You’ve probably heard of it. Well, the controversial surrounding Tik Tok has been in the news a lot lately, and none of it is good. Tik Tok first came under intense scrutiny during the COVID pandemic mainly for its’ parent company. A Chinese company that you might not have heard of called ByteDance. But the arguments for and against Tik Tok are both equally insane. And yes, a lot of it is playing off of internet conspiracy theory hysteria surrounding some very sketchy Chinese policies mainly tied to its’ dictator Xi Jianping. But why are they focusing exclusively on Tik Tok? Well it’s complicated. And if it’s not a full ban, then what is it? Well it’s also complicated.





Yeah… did you read the TOS? We’re going to assume probably not. And it’s insane how many Americans fall for conspiracy theories. If you read the TOS, it’s quite possible that they have things about selling your data in them. But this could be a losing issue for both sides of the debate, not just the MAGA conservatives. And if we’re going to focus on one company specifically for data mining, then why not go after all of them? Facebook, Twitter and Youtube, I’m looking in your direction. Yeah how come my Youtube blocks over 6,000 ads on one video when other pages only block maybe 5 or 10? That seems highly suspect! But if the goal is to protect consumers from Communist China, then why stop there?





But no matter who passes and signs the bill, it could potentially blow up in their faces. Tik Tok is one of the largest and most active social media apps out there. People make posting Tik Tok videos their entire careers. Even American politicians are reaching out for the youth vote on the app. So it’s a lose lose issue no matter who’s doing it. Yes, the problem lies strictly on ByteDance. If they’re getting rich off mining our data, then they should absolutely be scrutinized for it. But it could totally blow up in some faces and empower authoritarians. Neither of which are good things!





Yeah you really don’t want to go there! What’s to stop an empowered Trump administration from banning MSNBC? Or making Fox News state run TV? Those are extremely frightening scenarios and nothing good could come of them! We could be entering uncharted territory here if this bill passes and Biden signs it into law. Even analysts estimate that a Tik Tok sale could take months, which would put it well past the 2024 election and could swing voters. And not only would it affect Tik Tok users but the wrong people will get rich off of it. It’s definitely a damned if you do, damned if you don’t scenario!






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[font size="8"]MAGA Impeachment
[br] [/font] [br]

Now entering the spin cycle! Wheel goes round, wheel goes round, wheel goes round… and it lands on… a random movie reference!



Ha ha ha ha… gotta love the classics! Spin it again! Oh hey… speaking of flamethrowers, it land on… Fox News!

You know how we always say that Fox News is the reason why we can’t have nice things in the United States, right? Yes, most, if not all of our current problems can be traced back to that wretched excuse of a “news network”. Remember when the GOP spent tons of time questioning Hillary Clinton about bullshit conspiracy theories and made her testify for 11 hours straight? Well, it seems like that same cycle is repeating itself again. And really, let’s face it – if Fox News didn’t exist, the GOP would be finished because no one would listen to them otherwise. This whole thing with the MAGA Qongress and Hunter Biden is the stuff of pure insanity. By the way, this is the worst House in US history, am I right about that? Thank you audience! But really after the first 100 times Fox News attempted to impeach Joe Biden, they could have just left him alone, right? Nope, they have to keep beating that dead horse until it’s dead and in the ground.





Seriously, why don’t they just say it? I mean is it really that hard? No it isn’t. In fact it’s much harder to keep this pathetic charade going just to get those precious ratings. Fox News is just attempting to destroy Biden to make way for the next GOP nightmare. What’s really crazy is that even people in Trump’s inner circle are starting to turn on him. But the truth is that nobody should trust any of these idiots to run a Waffle House, let alone the White House. And come on, with friends like these, who needs enemies?





Gee… you think? When they start peddling out convicted felons for the cause, it really is time to think about packing it in. And of course, one of the stupidest people who’s ever been elected to Congress just *HAS* to go there. No, it’s not Marjorie Shit For Brains. I’m talking about Jim Jordan (Q – Batshit), and his insane claims. Do you want to go there, Jim? Do you??? First off, if you want to find out who the DC Pipe Bomber is, you might want to start making inquiries in your own party, but your Fox News masters won’t allow that. Second, we’re “going after” Trump because… wait for it… he’s a fucking criminal who has broken the law repeatedly! So unlike your fake accusations, ours are actually real!





Yeah the current MAGA Qongress is just a big, steaming pile of suck, aren’t they? And come on, how can they keep egging the Dems on and not expect them to fight back? That’s the tactic that schoolyard bullies use. And let’s face it, the GOP is the party that beat you up in high school. At least that’s the impression that I get when I see clips from Sean Hannity’s show. But the thing is, bullies will never learn until we stand up to them. And the head bully himself, that guy who we inexplicably used to call president, will allow the beatings to keep continuing until the moral improves. Get in line! As we’ve said, the GOP bubble hasn’t burst yet, but it is showing signs of leakage!






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[font size="8"]We’re All Gonna Die
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? Wheel goes round… where it stops, nobody really knows! Oh hey! It’s time for one of our patented Clips Without Context!



Well fucking duh! We could have told you that one! Spin it again! Ahhh!!! We’re all gonna die!!



Hey everyone, guess what? We’re all gonna die! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! WOOOOOOOOOO. WOOOO. WOOO. So what’s going to kill us all this week, you might ask? Well this week, anti-vaxxers have managed to successfully revive two deadly diseases that were previously thought to be eradicated! To which we say: good job, assholes! I hope you sleep easier at night knowing how much you put everyone in jeopardy! And how did this happen? Well, the governor of Florida, you may know him as Ron DeSantis (Q – Woke), in his infinite wisdom, appointed a bunch of fucking idiots and social media trolls to run Florida’s medical board. And this is why people need to stop paying attention to Fox News and social media trolls. Because shit like this happens. Anti-vaxxers should have never been given the time of day. Instead they got a megaphone and now we’ve got measles again, happy? Now that I got that off my chest, there’s one guy to blame in Florida and that’s their idiot surgeon general, who should have been shitcanned a long time ago. At least in a competent administration.





Yes people seriously, stop being so stupid!!! Did the brains from Futurama show up and start making everybody really stupid? I mean it’s like we live in a world where up is down, good is bad, day is night, and so on and so forth. Do I really need to explain how vaccines work? I’m pretty sure that I destroyed a keyboard or two attempting to do so in 2020. But yeah if you go to Florida and you’re not vaccinated, you can pretty much expect to come home with a disease or two. This is the fresh hell that internet anti-vaxxer trolls have wrought on society. Do they sleep easier at night? I doubt it.





No, dude, we’re not gonna die. At least not yet. At least measles is treatable and it probably will not kill you. But could this have been prevented? The easy answer is yes – and that prevention is to stop watching that fucking news network! I’m talking about Fox, of course! Yes, that shit is bad for you, so stop watching it! If you don’t watch Fox, you won’t be inclined to vote for fucking idiots like Ron DeSantis who will appoint other idiots to positions they don’t belong in. Yes, this latest bullshit could easily be prevented if people would stop listening to Sean Hannity and start listening to real experts on the subject!



https://miro.medium.com/v2/resize:fit 96/1*QR4R8JydXnlobK5GHnbkMg.gif

No, again, nobody is dying here! While Florida may welcome you with open, sore-covered arms, maybe you should decline the offer, at least until they finally wake up and realize the damage that Ron DeSantis and Fox News are doing to that state. But did we learn nothing from COVID? And again, I can’t stress that I think during the lockdowns, I may have destroyed a keyboard or two attempting to explain how vaccines work, and a guy who reads 30,000 articles is NO expert on anything. He’s just a guy who read 30,000 articles. OK I’m getting off topic here. But needless to say we’ve got to stop electing and listening to idiots on these subjects or next time, it’s going to get worse. If there is a next time!






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Let’s spin it to win it! And it lands on……… wait for it…………… oh hey it’s yet another one of our patented Clips Without Context!



Uh…………….. no it isn’t. Should teachers do the right thing? Yes. Should they try to force religious cultism on their students? Hell no! spin it again! Speaking of religion, hey it’s time for Holy Shit!

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know I’ve been saying for the last year and a half now that we’re currently living in extremely dangerous and dark times. Lately, I’ve been accused of picking squarely on the rise of American nationalism. This is true, but I’m here to tell you that nationalism is a global problem and it’s being led on by American nationalists. And herein lies the problem for which there is no easy solution. That is that social media has given people a megaphone which allows them to say anything and they don’t face any consequences for their actions. These are people who do not worship GAWD! Oh no! These are people who worship the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! Let’s start with claims made by our good friend Jack Hibbs. Yes, you know him as the psycho behind the Chino Hills School Board. Let’s see what he has to say about such matters. And I ask that you hold your boos for a minute!





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! That’s just straight up Nazism there, and if there’s one thing history has taught us to do with Nazis like Mr. Hibbs, it’s throw them in the dumpster and forget about them! But it’s not just the US – it’s worldwide. Even the rise of Hindu nationalism in India is becoming a problem. And you know what would solve this? If websites like Facebook and Twitter started policing their content more, instead of giving literal Nazis a free pass! Because as we always say around here, hate begats hate. But not only are Christian nationalists talking the talk, they’re putting their money where their hateful mouths are and running for office. And winning.





And yes, these people should feel bad about themselves! Nationalism is not a good thing, my fair congregation! It is most certainly EVIL! And they do not have good intentions at hand! They stand for greed, corruption, and dare I say murder! In fact one of the worst “pastors” is a man who is not at the hand of GAWD, he is at the hand of the Almighty Dollar, and that’s Kenneth Copeland! Yes, you probably remember him as this guy. It’s been 4 years, my fair congregation, and that clip still scares the living shit out of me! But if you’re wondering how people continue to support these nationalist cretins, look no further than this!





But yes, people like Mr. Copeland are connected and heavily funded through a network of pastors who are making it their mission to spread… whatever passes for their religion around the globe! So if nationalism comes to your city, beware! Beware! But they can’t keep making claims like our nation’s founding fathers were Biblical men when they clearly weren’t! And there’s tons of evidence and documentation out there that disproves these unfounded theories! But you know, like Josef Stalin, the master of propaganda said, if you repeat the lie long enough, it eventually becomes fact. Yes, my friends, we do live in dark times indeed!





Sigh… this is why we can’t have nice things in this country or the world if we can’t start denouncing these psychopaths! I need several drinks of some very strong holy water after this! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse
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Let’s give the Wheel a good strong spin, shall we? Come on, no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… STOP! Intermission! OK… we can take a break. Go on, grab a beer. Chill out for a couple of minutes. I’ll just watch some amusing clips on Instagram. Ha ha ha ha… that dog is humping its’ owners leg!! Here’s some music.



We’re back! Spin it again! And it lands on… Beating A Dead Horse!



Artificial intelligence is the biggest thing to happen to personal computing since the invention of the CD-ROM drive. And right now, these two men are the biggest names in artificial intelligence. On the right is a man who needs absolutely no introduction and that is Elon Musk. Yes, you know him best as the Tesla / Space X CEO and the world’s biggest Twitter troll. On the left is a man who you may not be familiar with, but if you’re connected to the PC industry in any way, you know who he is, and that’s Jensen Huang. He’s the CEO of the biggest name in computer graphics, NVIDIA. Both men are worth nearly a trillion dollars between them. And both men basically made the same claims about AI and coding. To which those who are in the industry and mainly computing enthusiasts just let out one gigantic collective groan. In fact this is what Mr. Huang had to say about kids and coding. Like seriously… I saw that episode of The Orville, what could possibly go wrong there?





Yeah, so kids shouldn’t learn to code, they should learn to data farm! What could possibly go wrong there? Have the movies taught us nothing? We’ve seen time and time again what happens when AI becomes self-aware – nothing good comes of it! Shit, even Tony Stark saw and lived out the dangers of what happens when two AIs merge – they become one super AI that wants to take on human form and can implode entire cities! Oh wait… that was Avengers: Age Of Ultron. Well, speaking of billionaire CEOs who have gone completely mad with power and off their rocker, Elon Musk has joined the chat, this time attacking Google because – wait for it – diversity in AI has gone too far! So if we extrapolate here, no kids learning to code and no diversity among programmers… yeah literally nothing good can come of this!





Oh come on! Here’s the thing – you’re never going to tackle BIAS, the white supremacist fuckers will just keep moving the goal posts! And come on, are you really going to take the opinions of two white mega billionaires seriously? And if you want to see a world where there’s a complete lack of diversity, just look no further than the New York City backdrop of Friends. Oh come on, it’s there! Do you not remember that controversy from the late 90s when the show was at its’ peak? And why should we take advice about history from people who have been busy actively denying recent events in history? I know, right?





LMAO, what “truth” are they seeking? The truth to be as bigoted as they want to be and not face any consequences for it? Because that’s what seems to be happening here. But the question isn’t whether or not Huang or Musk are right on the subject. The question is – when Google finally implements their technology on every Android phone in the world – will it be ready? And will it please the “anti-woke” idiots who have made people’s lives miserable? Well, for starters, we really shouldn’t care what those idiots think. And maybe… just maybe… this will teach billion dollar companies not to pay attention to social media trolls. Just maybe!






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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Let’s spin it to win it! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… STOP! Go directly to jail? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!



Oh wait, I’ve got that Get Out Of Jail free card! Spin it again… hey it’s time for Conspiracy Corner!



Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! Well, my friends, this week, is yet another sad reminder of why we just can’t have nice things in this country. RFK Jr… a guy who we told to fuck right the fuck off in the primaries, simply won’t go away. In fact he already thinks he’s president. And this week, there were rampant rumors that he was going to pick Green Bay Packers legend Aaron Rodgers as his running mate. Wait, what? You mean noted social media conspiracy theorist troll and Steve Bannon Fascist-Verse regular Aaron Rodgers? That Aaron Rodgers? Well… what are his qualifications? Well he speaks MAGA and sits on every right wing talk show out there. That’s about it.





Yeah obviously! It’s very well known from his numerous appearances on Steve Bannon, Joe Rogan, and Infowars that Mr. Rodgers is a certified grade A lunatic. But then again, so is RFK Jr. Now here’s what makes things even weirder – apparently there was a website registered that would say that Mr. Rodgers was his running mate. And while, let’s face it, no matter who RFK Jr picks, he has absolutely zero chance of beating Biden or Trump in an election. And really, we can all laugh at this spectacle of a campaign because that’s all it is – a spectacle!





Good question! We don’t know! But we do know that, if that shitty and obnoxious Super Bowl advertisement is any indication, that an RFK Jr presidency would be rife with conspiracy theories and falsehoods. Which is why he’ll probably never get elected. But it will steal some votes from most likely Trump, which if that’s true, would be a good thing! Because as we all know, there’s way too much at stake in this election and we can’t let our democracy fall to fascist hands! But apparently after the 24 hour outrage cycle settled, Aaron Rodgers is no longer in the talks to be running mate. Yeah… cue the Price Is Right losing horn! And gee, we wonder why?





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Sandy Hook “truthers” are the lowest form of scum on the earth. Seriously, they’re so terrible that pond scum has a higher favorability rating than they do. Some good news though is that after all this controversy, there’s probably zero chance that RFK Jr will pick Aaron Rodgers as his running mate. There were also plenty of rumors circulating that he was going to pick former Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura, but those were quickly squashed. So who could his real running mate be? Yeah it’s probably going to be the financier of that extremely terrible Super Bowl ad. Whatever. As long as he takes votes from Trump, who cares?






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br]

The spin cycle is currently set to… HIGH! Come on let’s go! And it lands on… wait for it… MAGA cult cringe!



Yes god will judge you… because you did the right thing and sent the MAGA cult packing! Spin it again… hey it’s time for People Are Dumb!

Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb! And I always want to preface by saying exactly what makes a People Are Dumb story. A guy stealing a car? Not a People Are Dumb story. A guy stealing a chicken truck from his place of work and driving it down the interstate and crashing into a McDonalds? That’s a People Are Dumb story! And as always, we omit the names and address from every story we come across. We don’t want to draw negative attention to this program now, do we? OK where do we start? Let’s start with vaccines. Yes, vaccines are in the news a lot, especially since we’re still on the tail end of a major pandemic. But this guy in Germany has taken things to extremes. And well… it’s quite the stuff of insanity. So since the COVID vaccine has been available, this one man has received the vaccine a total of 217 times. That’s like a shot every week and a half or more. So for those of you with a fear of needles… well prepare to flinch! And by the way, listen to experts, OK? Don’t listen to idiots on social media!





Next up – speaking of things you shouldn’t do, we go to Ireland for this story. Man there’s a lot of international idiots this week, aren’t there? Well just like if you’re under indictment for conspiring with Russia… you shouldn’t talk about Russia, OK? And if you’re on a diet trying to lose 100 pounds, maybe you shouldn’t talk about deep fried sundaes. And if you’re seeking claims in an injury case, one thing you definitely shouldn’t do is participate in a Christmas tree throwing competition. And… seriously, a Christmas tree throwing competition is a thing? And we’re just now finding this out? But anyway if you’re on trial for trying to claim a disability, one thing you absolutely should not be doing is going and participating in a Christmas tree throwing competition!





Next up – remember that scene in Office Space where they “fixed the glitch”? Yeah apparently one woman in Lincoln, Nebraska found one in gas pumps of all things, and managed to exploit a loophole that allowed her to walk away with $27,000. And really, after the first $10,000, that’s entirely on the gas station. You know the old saying – fool me once, shame on you. Fool me… you won’t get fooled again! I heard a guy on TV say that once! But yes, the gas station finally caught on to what was happening and they “fixed the glitch”. Yeah where are the Bobs when you need them?





Next up – we of course can’t get out of here without mentioning our favorite state, the Sunshine State, Florida. Yes, Florida. America’s penis. The Sunshine State. Because if there’s one thing that we’ve established that Florida is good at, it’s that the constantly bring us batshit crazy story after batshit crazy story. Seriously, we’ve got 7 years of these that prove it! And I know way more about Florida geography than I would ever care to know! Let’s start with this story out of Fort Lauderdale. Look, if there’s one thing you don’t do in this day and age is fuck with airport security. And not only do you not yell out things like “BOMB!!!” at an airport, well… the excuse makes it even worse!





Finally this week – this is another story where the excuse is even more bizarre than the story itself, and it’s on the level of Homer Simpson’s famous “It’s my first day!!!” defense. Yeah we get it, you just bought this fancy new $60,000 truck that has some amazing off roading capabilities. But you know what you shouldn’t do? Drive it in the ocean! And yeah maybe the tide was low, but that doesn’t excuse it when it gets to be high tide and now you get stuck! I totally love the excuse for this one. It’s one of those excuses the more you hear it the more you laugh. That’s why we love Florida Man!





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"] Stupidest State 2024
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin the wheel one last time this week! And it lands on…….. wait for it….. T-Shirt Cannon! Come on out here! That’s right – everyone in the audience today is getting our new shirt featuring our South American Top 10 logo commemorating our visits to Brazil and Argentina! It will be available in the Top 10 store soon! And plus, our t-shirt cannon has been upgraded to a t-shirt gatling gun!



Spin it again! It’s time for Stupidest State 2024!

16 states will enter, and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



The tournament is off and running, folks! Last week, it was one for the ages as Florida completely annihilated Arizona by a whopping score of 25 to advance to the Elite 8! Meanwhile, Idaho defied expectations in the Gun Nut Conference, but Missouri ultimately prevailed, winning by a score of 5 to advance to the Elite 8. This week it’s a battle of 1s and 2s as #1 Ohio takes on #2 Wisconsin for control of the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, while over in the Family Values Conference, #1 Alabama takes on #2 Tennessee! We’re live at the home of the Sacramento Kings, the Golden 1 Center in Sacramento for all the exciting action! Let’s end the introductions and go to the floor, shall we?

[font size="4"]Fiscal Irresponsibility Quarterfinals: Ohio Vs Wisconsin[/font]

[font size="4"]Ohio: [/font]

Last year, Ohio was in economic peril over the devastating East Palestine train derailment, which saw one of the most bizarre photo opportunities of Trump’s career. Meanwhile, Biden actually risked his life to go to a war zone and there’s crickets from the media. Trump throws out Big Macs like he threw out paper towels to the Puerto Rico victims and the news media treats him like a god. Just… WTF. So one year later, did we learn anything? The answer is… we didn’t learn a damn thing! At least we did learn how psychotic conservatives are. But this is another “fool me once, shame on you” type of deal. Sigh… another reason why we can’t have nice things!





That was a literal trainwreck that was the direct result of 40 years of the GOP’s deregulatory policies and things will only get that much worse if we keep electing these clowns! Which, again, is another result of that news network that keeps making terrible situations that much worse by promoting and electing these clowns! And yes, despite their best efforts to keep this from being newsworthy, Biden will visit East Palestine. And we can only imagine how Sean Hannity is going to spin this one!




[font size="4"]Wisconsin: [/font]

The Badger State is always a favorite of this conference! It’s the home of the University Of Wisconsin, the Green Bay Packers, and the Milwaukee Bucs and Brewers! But the people of Wisconsin keep doing this to themselves by electing people like Ron Johnson. Here’s the thing that you need to know is that billionaires like Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos took all your money during COVID. And their wealth increased exponentially, while yours didn’t. In fact take a look at this Dollar General store where stressed out, minimum wage workers finally had enough. And all of them quit in protest. So yeah we can call this one “Take this job and shove it!”.





But here’s why elections matter. Wisconsin finally had enough after their long time, Fox News installed governor Scott Walker was ruining the state. They replaced him with Tony Evers, who has been doing a great job of turning around Wisconsin’s economy after they got bamboozled by Trump in that whole Foxconn deal. And again this is why elections fucking matter. Because otherwise you get stuck with cretins like Ron Johnson (Q – Russia) that you can’t get rid of no matter how hard you try. So don’t vote for the guy who peddles Russian disinformation, because you’ll get screwed in more ways than just your wallet!





[font size="4"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Ooh man… this is a close one. Currently tied at 93 with 46 seconds left… Wisconsin is all out of time outs. Wisconsin for 3… ooh, a miss there! Ohio now has the ball… 22 seconds left. They take the shot… it’s in!!! 3 pointer… a foul has been called on Ohio. Wisconsin… miss! Second one… hit. And that’s all she wrote! Ohio hangs on… Wisconsin goes home. Final score: 96 – 94.

[font size="4"]Family Values Quarterfinals: Alabama Vs Tennessee:[/font]

[font size="4"]Alabama: [/font]

Alabama absolutely stunned all of the pundits and completely defied expectations to climb their way to the top of the Family Values Conference. How did they do it? They have a young and very healthy team of some absolutely crazy people running that state, led by Fox News installed coach Kay Ivey. From there, they single-handedly issued what may be the most batshit, completely off the rails ruling on abortion since the shocking overturning of Roe V Wade in 2022. In fact the ruling is so insane that we’re still trying to figure out exactly how the fuck MAGA conservatives were able to get away with it, and that other hard red states could be adopting similar measures. Just… what the absolute fuck!





You know that might be the best way to fight back against these clowns. Just start booing and heckling them until they see the error of their ways. But that won’t happen. MAGA conservatives are enabled by talk radio and Fox News and they’re currently drunk with power and completely out of control! But of course as we always say around here, behind every insane ruling, there’s a mega money donor who’s financing this shit. And the Alabama Supreme Court is no exception! Follow the money, people!





[font size="4"]Tennessee: [/font]

Tennessee has long been a favorite of hard right religious insanity. Outside of the major cities – Nashville, Knoxville, and Memphis, the red parts of the state are only getting redder. Especially with a push by Fox News to get hard red conservatives moving out of blue states like California to create a Divided States Of America. But for starters, we don’t get how the most Biblical, holier than thou people in the entire country can embrace a man who is literally the exact opposite of that. Yes, Shitler was in Nashville giving people the pitch on what a second term could bring, and it’s every bit as scary as you would think!





Yes, you suck, Trump, you asshole. And our government is not your church, so get out and stay out! And by the way, Tennessee is still reeling from that horrifying Covenant School shooting, which MAGA lunatics in Congress and the Senate have used as ways to push genocidal rhetoric on trans people in the United States. And it’s horrifying. But we can’t let this shit go is that they’re intentionally stomping on trans people attempting to get health care, all under the guise of “Family Values”. Yeah fuck these lunatics and everything they stand for!





[font size="4"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

There is absolutely no contest here! Alabama once again proves why they’ve been the undisputed #1 this season, and come on at this point, they’re just showing off against poor Tennessee, who is trailing by one of the biggest deficits so far – 35 points. And that’s all she wrote! Alabama moves onto the Elite 8, Tennessee goes home! Final score: 110 – 75!

[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

Next week, it’s Round 1 Week 3! And we’re live in Las Vegas at the home of the UNLV Running Rebels, the Thomas & Mack Center, for all the exciting action! Over in the Batshit Conference, #3 Louisiana takes on #4 Kentucky, while over in the Family Values Conference, #3 Oklahoma takes on #4 North Carolina! Things are getting exciting, folks!



[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Sepultura[/font]

Folks, my next musical guests are Brazilian metal legends Igor & Max Calavera, you know them better as Sepultura! Their latest album is called Quaddro! You can see them on tour in South America through the end of April. Playing their song "Last Time", give it up for Sepultura!



Thank you Sao Paolo! We had a blast here! I want to thank the good people at Visit Brazil who helped make this happen, and also thanks to you guys for selling us out! We’re off to Buenos Aires next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Sepultura appears courtesy of:
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Teatro Municipal, Sao Paolo, Brazil
Special Thanks To: Visit Brazil Tourism Board
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
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Research: Top 10 Research Department
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HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
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Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

March 14, 2024

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #16-5: Do You Want To Build A Straw Man? Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #16-5: Do You Want To Build A Straw Man? Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yoooooooooooooooooooooo!!! What’s up South America? How you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great? Oh shit that’s next week! What’s up Miami, how you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Yeah that’s right, next week we ship off to South America for not one, but two sold out shows! We’re rocking Sao Paulo, that’s in Brazil, don’t you know, and then we’re off to Buenos Aires! I hope it’s OK to make fun of Javier Milei, because man are we going to unload! But as Kramer from Seinfeld says – “Up here, I’m already gone!”. And next week we’re going to be bringing back the famous Wheel Of Corruption! Because what better time to talk about corruption because of what’s going on, am I right? So do we have time for the thing? Because of course we do, it’s my show, I make the rules! First off congratulations to Oppenheimer for winning the 2024 Best Picture Awards. And come on, how could you not include Barbie too? Does anyone remember when they tried to make Barbenheimer a thing? And then later on, they tried to make Saw Patrol a thing? Although to be fair on that one, if I’m going to see a movie about blood, guts, and excessive and brutal torture, it always helps to follow it up with a feel good family kids’ flick. Anyway, I kind of wish I had seen the Oscars because you do miss iconic moments like this, and it definitely helps that Jimmy Kimmel used a between presentation speech to take a shot at Trump. And I’m that he’d absolutely hate it if I showed the clip, so roll tape! Aw…. Poor little egomaniacal war lord! Get your feelings hurt, Donnie? Someone better hide all the ketchup bottles in Mar-A-Lago stat! OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first our good buddy Lewis Black is back and offers some insights into AI:



So where do we begin this week? This week is mainly about two things – the first is the dust settling from Super Tuesday, and the second – Joe Biden’s 3rd State Of The Union! Yes, he is still your president, MAGAs, so go eat the steamiest bag of shit! Thank you Miami! In the first slot this week we take a look at the big winners and losers from Super Tuesday (1) and give you a preview of some of the crazy matchups you can expect in November, including Adam Schiff vs Steve Garvey, and North Carolina somehow managed to find a literal Nazi running for governor! Yeah, I know, right? Taking the second slot this week is the MAGA Supreme Court (3). Yes, don’t think we’re not going a week and letting them get away with anything related to Trump’s “presidential immunity” case and their latest decision will definitely make you want to find the nearest barf bag! In the number 4 slot this week is the GOP (4) and if there’s one thing that we learned from Super Tuesday – it’s that Nikki Haley showed that there’s an increasingly growing number of republicans and hard line conservatives who’ve had enough of Trump and the MAGA cult’s recklessness and extremism and are finally waking up to how dangerous it is! To which we say what the fuck took you so long? In the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”, and if you thought that Alabama’s jaw-droppingly stupid and completely reckless anti-abortion ruling was about god, well… we’re going to introduce you to the people who made it happen, and get your barf bags ready! In the number 7 slot this week, we are proud to introduce our new segment – Capitol Critters (7)! Yes, the segment inspired by a long forgotten ABC cartoon is going to take a look at some of the arrests that have been happening since that terrible day. Taking the number 8 slot this week is our weekly look at the never ending abyss that is internet tin foil hat madness in “Conspiracy Corner” (8), and this week – look, we don’t make fun of murder or death on this program. But we’re wondering what’s up with MAGA’s use of a murder at the University of Georgia to escalate their hatred of immigrants and it's shockingly insane! In the number 9 slot this week, is a new “I Need A Drink” and this week we’re taking a look at a really bizarre exhibit in Glasgow, Scotland called “The Wonka Experience” and we really have to say that it really does capture the spirit of Willy Wonka more than the recent movie does! Finally this week it’s time for Stupidest State! This week it’s Round 1 Week 1 and we are kicking things off at the home of the Anaheim Ducks, Honda Center in Anaheim, California! It’s a battle for Batshit supremacy as #1 Florida takes on #2 Arizona, while over in the Gun Nut Conference, #3 Missouri takes on #4 Idaho! Who will win? Only one way to find out! And to cap things off, we have some live music from Mammoth WVH! Buy their new album Mammoth II or you are no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Super Tuesday Highlights: Meet The Candidates
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YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! The primaries are over!!! Now we got some campaigns to watch! So who won the big dances? Wait. You’re shitting me. Oh crap. You mean we have to put up with more of his shit? There isn’t a bottle of Jack big enough for me to survive yet another election year. Come on cirrhosis! I’m kidding. But now that the dust has settled from the biggest day of the primaries known as Super Tuesday, we have to talk about some of the big matchups that are going to happen this year. And particularly, President Biden scored some huge wins in some states that actually went to Herr Trump in 2020. Which while it’s not an indicator that the MAGA bubble has burst, it’s definitely a sign that it’s showing signs of leakage. But here’s the thing – while he’s making some gains, we cannot under any circumstances let the polls get to us. Because the polls can say anything they want. But you only get one vote. Let’s make that vote count!





OK people, stop your rabbling! Your complaints have been registered and they will be thrown into the “We don’t give a shit” bin. So yeah some polls have Biden and Trump way too close to call, which should fucking terrify anyone who isn’t part of the MAGA cult. But you know what? We don’t want to fearmonger. Instead let’s talk about some key matchups that you’ll be seeing as the months progress at the House and Senate levels. Perhaps one of the more interesting is in my home state of California, where favorite Trump punching bag Adam Schiff is set to go up against former Los Angeles Dodgers legend Steve Garvey. Wait… fucking what??? This is the best they got???





Oh come on, that’s the best you got? And why is this damn race so close? Come on, California, you can do better than that! Well, MAGA certainly can’t but that is par for the course for them. Perhaps the next most interesting matchup comes from West Virginia – where newly it’s currently leaning toss up for Joe Manchin’s newly vacated seat. And right now it’s leaning towards Fox shill Alex Mooney, which would really suck if that happens. But we cannot overlook the state of Montana, where Democratic senator John Tester is hanging on by a thread and could be replaced with a hardline Fox / MAGA bootlicker in Tim Sheehy. And yes, another one of those “MAGA sure knows how to pick ‘em” candidates.





Finally the key senate matchup that is likely the most terrifying of all of them is in my home state’s next door neighbors – Arizona. Yes, it’s the state that most likely holds the key to who controls the Senate in the 2024 election. Because you know that Kristen Synema is retiring, but you know who could likely be her replacement? Kari Lake. Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Yes, the absolutely batshit crazy MAGA election denier who hangs way too much around Mar-A-Shithole is actually running for senator from the Grand Canyon State, and well… it ain’t good. In fact there’s a very real possibility of that seat flipping. We need to do better, people!






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[font size="8"]State Of The Union 2024 Highlights
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We’re going to switch gears for a minute and talk about something positive and bring you some highlights from the 2024 State Of The Union. We don’t want you to think that this program is all about negativity, no sir / madam! Because what kind of hosts would that make us? Not very good ones if you ask us! But Trump and the MAGAs lately have been asking the question “Are you better off than you were 4 years ago?”. Uh… 4 years ago we were all locked in our homes and store shelves were empty, do you not remember that? So for the sake of this piece, why don’t we call it “Do You Want To Build A Straw Man?”… ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! I think that might be the first time in 8 years that we’ve ever made both a Frozen joke and a logical fallacy joke! But really, the answer to that question, MAGAs, is YES! We are better off than we were 4 years ago. And go shove your gas prices up your ass because gas prices were low because of that virus y’all called a hoax. You know we’ll save that for next week. But this week is all about the SOTU. And let’s start with the ratings first. Someone better hide the ketchup bottles at Mar-A-Lago quick!





Thank you Nelson! Yes, President Biden is very popular in the ratings department, which is a whole lot different than what we can say for Orange Asshole! So now… let’s talk some highlights. What does Mr. President have to sell the country on? Well the biggest selling point – despite the fact that the entire world may be on the brink of World War III, and Vladimir Putin may be Adolf Hitler, version 2.0, Biden went on the defensive to push back on some of the things that his opponent, that guy who we inexplicably used to call president, Donald Trump, was selling to his loyal share of idiots. And it was pretty impressive to watch.





Yeah isn’t it insane that there’s a mad man in Moscow who’s out for world domination and like half of the country thinks that it’s no big deal? Not only that, they’re actively egging him on to eliminate the entire nation of Ukraine. That is fucking insane. Think of it like playing a game of Risk, only instead of stopping you from taking over the world, they’re just skipping their turns. I feel like I’m Leonardo DiCaprio in that movie Don’t Look Up where he’s screaming at people about how the world is going to end.



But let’s take a look at the domestic side of things. Yes, things are bad now, and the GOP seems to be owning the inflation talking point as of late. However, we cannot ignore how different things were on March 13th, 2020 and March 13th, 2024. And we’ll definitely get to that next week.





Now that we’ve got the highlights out of the way, let’s talk about the low lights. Yes, Marjorie Shit For Brains made a complete ass of herself as usual. But we’ve got that saved for another entry. Of course she’s seen here looking like she’s the last PTA member who’s late for the school luncheon. But to the most insane thing is that the worst House speaker ever, Mike Johnson, is on record trying to keep the Fox News MAGA House from looking like the assholes they are. Hey MAGAs, this isn’t a win. It’s a fucking embarrassment! Maybe when Joe Biden wins in 2025, you all ought to just stay the fuck home, save yourselves next time.






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[font size="8"]SCOTUS Trial Decision
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Look, look. Look. OK regardless of how you feel about the heavily MAGA favored Supreme Court Of The United States, we need to talk about the current situation here. Yes, it’s truly insane to think that Trump could score a 9 – 0 victory in the Supreme Court over his participation in the insurrection is totally unfathomable. But before we jump to the conclusion that the sky is falling, can we all just take a step back, take a deep breath, and pull our heads out of each other’s asses? Can we do that? Yes, it feels good doesn’t it. So before we go screaming “the sky is falling!!!” in regards to Trump being on the ballot in the 2024 election, let’s do that weird thing called “taking a look at some facts”. Yes, the January 6th insurrection was a nightmare. But Trump has to be convicted first. So what happens if he’s actually convicted of one of the hundreds of lawsuits that he’s currently facing? Well for starters, it would be, to put it in technical terms – a legal clusterfuck.





Oh come on, people! Stop your rabbling! Yeah you probably saw the MAGA dude bros out in full force on social media screaming about how Trump is untouchable. But you know what? We’ll wait until the presidential immunity case is decided before we touch that one. That came out wrong. Or did it? So now you might be asking – what does that do for states’ rights? Well, I answer you – it’s complicated. We should have ended the argument before it started by arresting Trump the day after the insurrection but it's too late to do anything about that! Yet another reason why we can’t have nice things!





OK! We get it! Your complaints have been heard! Hey we don’t want Trump on the ballot, either. So now here’s the thing – there’s still plenty of ways and plenty of time that Trump can get kicked off the ballot for. But because the 14th amendment clearly says that he has to be convicted of a crime, we have to wait for the wheels of justice to turn for that to happen. And right now, the wheels of justice are turning as possible. Can we get some WD-40 on those things? So what could possibly go wrong with a career criminal on the ballot who has 91 felonies against him and tried to overthrow the United States government and murder his own vice president? What’s the worst that could happen? Well we could be entering uncharted territory here.





Yeah so while you may be seeing the MAGA dude bros gloating and pointing their fingers at you on social media, just remember two things. 1 – they didn’t read the article past “9 – 0”. And two – this isn’t over. Not by a long shot. This was just a one-pitch home run on the first shot while we still have 8 excruciatingly long innings to go. And when the dust finally settles from this nightmare shit show, what’s going to happen? Who knows. But while the Fox News MAGA GOP is celebrating this victory lap, just remember – it ain’t over. Get ready for round 2. That will be the deciding factor on whether authoritarianism is on the ballot or not.






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Perhaps the biggest takeaway from the 2024 Super Tuesday primary is not that the 2024 election is going to be a reboot of the 2020 election (worst reboot ever, am I right?), but the fact that’s some tension in the GOP that’s not accurately being reported on. Yes, Nikki Haley is out of the race, but she managed to do the impossible – siphon votes from the GOP front runner. And don’t worry, we won’t be able to report on Trump’s hostile takeover of the RNC yet, that is next week. Yes, we picture it like two AI programs merging to become one super AI program. But that’s neither here nor there. What is here is that there could be some friction in the GOP and it’s aimed squarely at Trump and his Mar-A-Lago cronies and minions. Could it be that even the most hardline conservatives are waking up to the dangers of the brand of authoritarianism that Fox and Putin are trying to push? Well let’s hope so because we have a democracy to protect and right now it’s hanging on by a thread.





Yeah what the fuck????????????? Could it be????????? Are the rumors true???? And where am I going with this line of questioning? Also, why am I talking with an unusually high voice right now? it’s not like I inhaled helium or something. Well tensions are mounting the GOP, and if they can’t unite behind the candidate, well, there could be some trouble. And don’t think for a minute that the GOP bubble has got so big that it’ll eventually burst. We’re far from that point. But the bubble is starting to show signs of leakage. And whatever happens, we’ll take it! We’re not picky!





No… no. We don’t got him yet. We have quite a bit of a way to go before we can call that one. But holy shit, this is fucking Florida we’re talking about here! The state that regularly holds MAGA prayer circles in school boards! The state where Ron DeSantis usurped Disney in a hostile takeover! Even Florida is starting to show signs of fracturing. Holy shit! Again, though, we cannot stress enough how important it is to fucking VOTE in this election! And vote in every ballot, don’t leave any boxes unmarked. Don’t sit out a protest vote either. Because otherwise, the powers that be may decide to do it for you! But one thing’s for certain is that the primaries do look promising.





Yeah what a pathetic loser! Well here’s the thing about the current GOP that you need to know and why those of us who aren’t addicted to the Murdoch bubble 24 hours a day realize. Hanging out with people who should probably be on a registered sex offender list, career criminals, and borderline fucking Nazis is bad, OK? They’re the people your mom told you not to hang around, but you do anyways and it gets you into trouble. Hell, it’s what cost Trump the 2020 election and it will cost him the 2024 election. But how you win elections is getting your base to unite behind you. And splintering the GOP won’t exactly… for lack of a better phrase, get ‘er done.






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[font size="8"]Viktor Orban
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When you look at the rise of hate, fascism, and white supremacy around the world, you really have to wonder what is wrong with people that they’re choosing authoritarianism over freedom. And to look no further, we have the center of the Fascist-verse right here in America. By the way, worst extended universe ever! Am I right? Well to find the center of the Facsist-verse, it’s not in Moscow, it’s in Miami at 1100 Ocean Blvd, the mega mansion known as Mar-A-Lago. Otherwise known as Mar-A-Shithole, mainly due to the complete lack of maintenance at that place that would make most health and safety inspectors absolutely cringe. Well, since losing the presidency in 2020, Trump has turned Mar-A-Shithole into a 24/7 nonstop MAGA party palace for hard right wingers and the wealthy elite. Think of it like a really fucked-up Studio 54, but for insurrectionists and hardcore MAGA Q-ultists. But his latest guest is drawing some truly massive scrutiny from all over the world, and really, hold your boos.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Oh come on, he’s literally praising the super far right Hungarian prime minister. A guy who’s a literal Nazi. Hungarian Nazis? I hate Hungarian Nazis, ladies and gentlemen! So why is Orban’s visit so controversial? Well he’s obviously a part of the Bannon / Murdoch / Putin Fascist-Verse. And what’s really insane is that Hungary was once politically neutral, now they’re so far right, they’re seen as models for how to implement authoritarian politics around the world. Scary times we live in, right? Well even scarier when the guy who could become president again hangs around types like this!





You know here’s the thing about guys like Orban and Trump – they thrive off negative publicity, and the more negative it is, the more it helps placate their massive egos. But here’s the thing that MAGA doesn’t know – autocracy and authoritarian policies aren’t anything to fuck with! If they’re implemented, they’re near impossible to reverse, and that would take a war or two to do that. You don’t want any of these things, trust me! And here’s where all of this is coming to a head. You know how we mention that mad man in Moscow who’s trying to take over the world? Well guess what, folks? He’s not stopping at Ukraine. Oh no, not by any means!





So let’s extrapolate this for a minute and imagine what the world would look like should Trump and the MAGAs slime their way back into the White House. Putin gets a blank check to mow over Ukraine, Belarus and Norway, then what’s to stop him from taking over Western Europe? North America? Looks, MAGAs, you all have your heads up your asses! There’s a guy trying to take over the world and you all are just letting him! So when a buddy of his visits the US, you should absolutely be alarmed! Because it’s not just our freedoms are on the line, yours will be too. And Vladimir Putin being president of the world won’t be the second coming of Jesus. It will be the first coming of Satan. Good evening, everybody!






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! I don’t know if anyone else saw the news, but we’re going to cut the crap and just jump right into it. But oh my god, did you not see that batshit insane Alabama ruling on abortion and in vitro fertilization? And this is one of those rulings where the more I read about it, the angrier I get. Especially considering this is coming from people who claim to be “pro-life”. As the late, great George Carlin once said, you are not pro-life. What you really are is anti-woman. And the sooner that we come to accept that, the better off we’ll be. And these anti-woman psychopaths are not rooted in Jesus, oh no! Instead they worship the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul and disgusting that his name *DARE NOT* be mentioned in my church! But if you think we’re not letting this ruling go without exposing the people who are behind it, you, sir or madam, do not know this program! Because oh yes, we went down the wormhole during our week off and we can tell you it’s not good!





Now let’s make one thing perfectly clear – this ruling is almost certainly EVIL and it is grossly unconstitutional. But the American MAGA Taliban doesn’t really care about that sort of thing, they only see it one way or the other, and the extreme end of both. And it’s already having some very EVIL effects after it was ruled on not even a week later. We also can’t let it go that there’s another group of super far right wing scumbags who are behind this evil shit – the Liberty Counsel. Yes, they’ve been screwing things up for a very long time and this is no exception, my fair congregation!





No it’s just a bunch of bullshit. But here’s the part that I found the most alarming about this ruling is that the word “GOD” appears 42 times in it! You know how many it should appear? ZERO! Yes, thank you my fair congregation! That is the correct number of times! And we’re quite frankly tired of the MAGA Taliban trying to legislate what women can or cannot do with their bodies! Enough. It has nothing to do with Jesus or babies. It has everything to do with you being evil fuckwits! And yes we can swear in my church, as long as it’s never directly at someone. Only with! But don’t you think for a minute that we’re not letting them get away with this one!





I think these people think just a little too much about children for comfort! And it’s quite disturbing there, isn’t it? Well because of that we’ve been wondering where exactly the pro-life movement is going and we’ve got it figured out. Just like Vladimir Putin is out to destroy and dominate the world in his ongoing quest to be supreme overlord of earth, the GOP will not stop at abortion. Roe V Wade was just the beginning, my friends! They are just getting started. And like just about everything else, the cruelty is the point, and their stupidity is really beginning to show! If you thought Alabama was insane about IVF, well… Mississippi is next!





Yeah… think about it! I mean why do they have to be so damn stupid??? I need a drink after this one, my fair congregation! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Capitol Critters
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Welcome to our new segment that tracks all of the participants of the January 6th, 2021 attack on the United States government – Capitol Critters! Yes, we have been getting flooded with requests because the arrests are starting to pour in, and we can’t keep track of all of them. And the best part about all of this is Trump, Marjorie Greene, and the rest of the MAGAs referring to the Jan. 6th prisoners as “hostages”. Yeah oh fuck off with that hyperbole shit! You’re prisoners. And you know why American prisons suck? It’s because the GOP designed them that way. Don’t blame Biden for your terrible prison conditions. Blame the Corrections Corporation Of America. Another product of Late Stage Capitalism. I mean holy shit, these might be some of the dumbest criminals alive. Come on, MAGAs, you can’t tell us “don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time” if you’re not serving for your crimes. And by the way, just like our People Are Dumb segment, we are omitting any names and addresses that pop up in any of the stories we’re featuring. Let’s start with this psycho from my home state of California who went and bragged about it on social media.





Hooooooooooooooooooooooooly shit. OK we’re supposed to feel sorry for these people? I mean seriously what the fuck??? And stop calling them hostages. If you’re aware that our prison system is truly beyond horrifying, then why don’t you do something about it and work to end the CCA? Yeah thank you audience! But again, we can’t emphasize this enough – don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time and that absolutely applies here. Trying to overthrow the government is… *checks notes* still a crime and it’s insane that so many just walked away and not only didn’t face consequences, they got elected to office! And why are we not surprised how many people from Florida came to that Trump rally? I mean I am shocked! Shocked, I tell you!





I’m sensing that there’s a common link between all of these arrests and that common link almost unanimously seems to be social media. And the more someone is devout to the Trump / MAGA cult, the more it seems they are likely to be bragging about their crimes on social media. Which Trump is attempting to make himself a martyr for the cause. “Hey if they can come for me, they will come for you too!!!”. Yeah you know who’s not worried about that? People who didn’t go to the Capitol on January 6th. I didn’t. I am not worried about it. The other common link seems to be church. Why the church crowd loves this guy we’ll never understand.



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Maybe it’s just me… but if I find out that three members of my church got arrested for being at the Capitol on January 6th, I’m going to be finding a new church. And what’s really insane to think that it’s been 3 years and we’re still finding people who went into the Capitol looking to murder half of Congress and their own vice president, and we may be finding these people for YEARS to come. Made even worse because the guy who planned the whole thing continues to get off scot-free and even has a possibility of becoming president AGAIN. Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! It’s insane that Trump gets a free pass on this, but it’s already outrageous enough. Hopefully one day they will all get caught and do the time they deserve.






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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! Before we go any further, I want to preface your long standing policy that we don’t make fun of death on this program. At all, period. But we have to talk about something that our old buddy Marjorie Three Names did during her “look at me” stunt at the State Of The Union. Well this conspiracy surrounding the brutal murder of UGA student Laken Riley is all over conservative MAGA social media. But if you spend any amount of time dissecting MAGA talking points, you know that there is a lot to take in on this one.





OK…. OK. Let’s take a look at the talking points here. Does anyone not get the irony here? That hundreds of deaths from guns occur on campuses each year and that number has been going up and up since Trump was in office and I’m quoting directly – he did NOTHING for gun control. Nothing. Where was the outrage when the Uvalde shooting happened? Oh yeah they smeared the mayor of the town and heckled the victims and said that we need to arm teachers. Yeah just imagine bullets flying in two directions. But here’s where things go off the rails as predicted. The GOP is batshit fucking crazy and they put Biden in a very hard position in the SOTU, and no answer he gives is going to be the right one, as they did with this.





Now here’s the weird part of this whole thing. You know how after a mass shooting, the right wing are the first ones to say “Hey you shouldn’t politicize a tragedy like this!”. Well guess what? They’re very actively politicizing this tragedy. And not only are they politicizing this tragedy, they’re also polarizing it, which makes a terrible situation that much fucking worse. They’re literally framing this as “one migrant committed a murder so they should all be put in jail”. Two things – 1) it doesn’t work that way at all, MAGAs. And 2) we tried that already and it didn’t work. Ask a Japanese person. Yeah that’s insane to think that the right wing wants to go there again. But one thing is for sure is that Rapheal Warnock is absolutely 100% correct in his assumption here!





But here??s where Sen. Warnock is wrong – it’s not that republicans *CAN* save the border, it’s that they don’t actually give a shit. If they actually gave a shit, they would have done it by now. Instead, because there’s no sane republicans left and they’ve all been replaced with Murdoch cultists, they’re just using it as political theater so they can keep their jobs. And Marjorie Three Names using her death to attack Biden during the SOTU was truly despicable and beyond the pale. But god forbid that Fox does the right thing, instead they’re actively making this situation that much worse.






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink: The Wonka Experience
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey everyone, I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!



Of course, you know the idea behind this segment is that we have some drinks, and while we are drinking, we talk about literally anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. Because I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but there’s a lot of really dark shit in the news right now! So we feel that the best course of action is to belly up to the bar, grab a cold one or two, and escape the harsh reality we live in right now. And don’t worry, my sober brothers and sisters, we got you covered too! So just grab a glass of your favorite coffee, tea or energy drink and come get wired with us! Anyway this week, we have to talk about yet another viral tourist attraction, this time out of Glasgow, Scotland. And we always say around here that social media is eventually going to kill us all. So tell me, bartender, what goes well with a story about Willy Wonka? The Oompa Loompa cocktail? What’s in that? Orange schnapps and wheatgrass? Eh… I’ll pass. I’ll just stick to my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels, I call it the Double Jack. But anyway this whole thing is quite the stuff of insanity and here’s more.





Wait a minute… that’s your excuse? It looks good on paper? Well I got news for you – literally anything looks good on paper. Asbestos looks good on paper. Landfill statistics look good on paper. The Dodgers spending a billion dollars on two players looks good on paper. See where I’m going with this? Well here’s the thing, I did love the fact that people were referring to this exhibit as “Meth Lab Willy Wonka”, but it’s probably more accurate than a lot of the movies are. I mean did they read the same book that I did when I was a kid? Do people not know the real story of Charlie & The Chocolate Factory? At least there’s one good thing the Wonka Experience did – it brought the internet together for a few seconds so we could laugh at the insanity, before resuming attacking each other with political memes.





Yeah that’s the weird thing about this exhibit – it was entirely AI generated. And you know what? There is something you should know about AI – it ain’t perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. And here’s the thing, though. First off, even though you use AI for this, you should probably do some research before going through it it. And second, again, it’s probably the most Wonka-esque thing that’s the closet to the story that you could get. I mean I don’t know if you’ve ever actually sat down and read Roald Dahl material, but he’s an author who’s not exactly known for feel good stories, despite what Hollywood may be telling you.





Come on, really? Why do you have to get the cops involved? Making kids cry is part of the Wonka experience. Holy crap watch the movie! YOU GET NOTHING! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY SIR! Oh man Gene Wilder. What a legend. But speaking of movies, do we really need a movie about everything now? I could see this maybe as one of those “what went wrong” kind of documentaries like what happened with the Fyre Festival. But come on, not everything needs a damn movie made after them anymore, stop it already!








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[font size="8"]Stupidest State 2024 Round 1 Week 1
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16 states will enter and only one state will be crowned the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots’ Stupidest State!



Welcome back to our contest where we put 16 states against each other to find the best of the best, the stupidest of the stupid! And only one state will come out on top and win the coveted Delay Trophy. Last week, we introduced the contenders with 16 states representing the four conferences and the four corners of Conservative Idiocy – the Batshit Conference, the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, the Gun Nut Conference, and the Family Values Conference! This week, it’s Round 1 Week 1! And we’re live at the home of the Anaheim Ducks, Honda Center in Anaheim, California for all the action! It’s a battle for Batshit supremacy as #1 Florida takes on #2 Arizona! Meanwhile, over in the Gun Nut Conference, #3 Missouri takes on #4 Idaho! Let’s end the introductions and go to the floor, shall we?

[font size="4"]Batshit Conference [/font]

[font size="4"]Florida: [/font]

Ah Florida. The Sunshine State. Last year’s uncontested champion. Will they repeat this year? Well the Sunshine State has a lot going for it. For one thing it’s led by Ron DeSantis, represented in the Senate by Marco Rubio and Rick Scott, and in the House by an absolutely batshit crazy group of hardline MAGA / Fox bootlickers. Well perhaps the most alarming thing about the Sunshine State is something that you may not see on page 1. Or page 6 for that matter. But the Sunshine State is welcoming back a previously unwanted guest with open… sore covered arms.





WTAF. Yeah BOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Not only was it the wrong thing to do, he deliberately put kids’ lives in danger because of anti-vaxxer garbage on social media. Do you see what happens? We repeatedly say that misinformation kills, and we stand by that statement! But you know how this is an election year and we’re cramming as much information into our short program as humanly possible, well – Ron DeSantis may have somehow found a way to top his ridiculous Disney World stunt – he’s gonna have the same people in charge of elections. In a heavily democratic field. What could possibly go wrong?





[font size="4"]Arizona:[/font]

Well… there’s some strange happenings going on in the desert. Yes, Arizona shocked the country and the world when it went blue in 2020 and even bluer in 2022. Can it continue that trend in 2024? Well there is one obstacle that could be hard for the Grand Canyon State to overcome in this election season and that’s MAGA / Q / Fox election denying nutjob Kari Lake (Q – Election Denier), who is challenging Democrat Ruben Gallego for the seat formerly occupied by Krysten Sinema. Lake has been extremely controversial, bringing election denial abuse and harassment to governor Katie Hobbs at every possible opportunity. So what happens when you fight back? Well…





Well don’t get too comfortable because there’s a very strong possibility that Lake could actually become a senator. And this is someone who I wouldn’t trust to run a Waffle House. I know, shocking. Come on, Arizona, flush these MAGA turds! But here’s where the danger of electing MAGA because it’s what Fox News and AM talk radio wants lies. There is literally a law being proposed that would allow anyone to sue the government over material being taught in school that could somehow be perceived as “Marxist”. What could possibly go wrong?





[font size="4"]And the winner is: [/font]

Oh there’s absolutely no contest here. Florida utterly routes Arizona to the point where they’re not even trying anymore. In fact they’re currently ahead by a score of 25 with one minute to go. No timeouts remain for either team. And that’s all she wrote! Florida moves on, Arizona goes home! Final score: 101 – 76!

[font size="4"]Gun Nut Conference: [/font]

[font size="4"]Missouri: [/font]

The Show Me State has long been a favorite in the Gun Nut Conference. It’s the state that gave us tough guy insurrectionist wannabe Josh Hawley, seen here like he wants to be a member of the cool kids’ club and not being let in. And also these douchebags – the McCloskeys. Remember them from the 2020 George Floyd protests? Yeah. And we can’t even have a celebration in the Show Me State without it ending in tragedy because some nut with a gun had to go shoot it off during the celebration. And no, your thoughts and prayers are useless, and yes, we cannot have nice things in this country! But guns are so revered in the Show Me State that they actually have something called “The 2nd Amendment Preservation Act”. We shit you not!





And in case you’re wondering why we can’t have nice things in this country, well… there was a group in the Show Me State that attempted to get people elected who could actually solve Missouri’s massive gun problem. But gun control is very unpopular in Missouri. And like most great movements, this one literally started out with a bang (ha!) but it very quickly sputtered from being a firecracker into being a sparkler. So yeah expect more mass shootings to happen and more of those “thoughts and prayers” that we’ve come to expect from our MAGA Congress people.





[font size="4"]Idaho: [/font]

The Gem State has long been a favorite of this conference. They have just one major city – the state capitol of Boise, which is the home to Boise State and its’ signature blue field – a field that has actually become a danger to seagulls with the birds mistaking the grass for water. Yeah that’s real. Totally worth a Google. But the Gem State is a state that is ruled by and for the firearm. Outside of Boise, there’s lots of guns and the potato farmers aren’t afraid to use them. One of them happens to be associated with the famous Bundy Militia. Remember them from the early days of the Top 10? Of course you do! Well guess what? Like most trolls they won’t go away!





Uh………. Because republicans? Because Fox News and Sean Hannity? And in case you’re wondering again, why we can’t have nice things in this country, it’s because we have this group called the National Rifle Association that has a stranglehold on half of this country’s elected officials. And when they get called out, well, they retreat to their AM radio and social media hidey holes to complain why they’re getting called out for their terrible behavior. But it’s way past time that people start standing up to the NRA and their evil ways!




[font size="4"]And the winner is: [/font]

Ooh man this is a close one! We have one minute left in the game and the score is tied at 85. Missouri has the ball… it’s in for 3! A foul has been called! Missouri on the line with 15 seconds left. First one is in… YES! 2nd… YES! And that’s all she wrote – Missouri wins by 5 and they move on. Final score: 90 – 85!

[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

It’s Round 1 Week 2 and we are live at the home of the Sacramento Kings, the Golden 1 Center in Sacramento, California! #1 Ohio goes for broke against #2 Wisconsin in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, while over in the Family Values Conference, #3 Oklahoma takes on #4 North Carolina, it’s gonna be a fun one! Be sure to follow us on Mastodon at top10conidiots @mstdn.party for updates!


[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Mammoth WVH[/font]

Folks, my next guest is the son of legendary guitarist Eddie Van Halen, you can see his band Mammoth WVH on tour this May! His new album is called Mammoth II. Playing his song "Another Celebration At The End Of The World", give it up for Mammoth WVH!



Thank you Miami! This was fun! It’s great to be back in the FL again! We’re off to South America and Sao Paulo, Brazil, next with the famous Wheel Of Corruption! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Mammoth WVH Appears Courtesy Of: I Am The Sheriff, LLC
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Miami Improv, Miami, FL
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Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
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Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
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Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Mastodon at: Top10ConIdiots@mstdn.party
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Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

February 29, 2024

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #16-4: It's The End Of Democracy As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #16-4: It’s The End Of Democracy As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) Edition

Ed. Note: Due to a scheduling conflict, the Top 10 is early today! Enjoy!

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yoooooooooooooooooooooo!!! What’s up New York City? How you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! First off, I want to say, we picked the right city because this is my favorite Top 10 of the year! Yes, even more so than our annual Year In Review edition that comes before we sign off for Christmas and New Year’s! Because you know why? It’s Stupidest State Selection Sunday! Yes, we give you all of the states, stats, odds and info that you need to fill those brackets! And it’s going to be a fun one this year, I can feel it! But we’ve got a lot coming down the pike in the next few weeks including our 2 edition South American excursion to Argentina and to Brazil! How cool is that? Yeah yeah, go ahead, make the Brazillian joke. I don’t care! Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do! We may have to go into further detail on this in a future “I Need A Drink” because this is pretty spectacular. You probably heard about something called the “Wonka Experience” based on the recent Wonka film and of course the classic “Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory”. Well, it was an absolute disaster. The idea sounded pretty cool – it was billed as an “immersive experience” into the Wonka Universe. But in reality it was anything but that. It looked cool on paper, but in reality it looked like something out of a horror movie. The scenes look like they were 3-D printed and created by an AI chat bot. And it was so bad that kids were seen crying as they left the warehouse. Yeah that actually sounds closer to the book than a lot of the recent movies were, but you should probably do your research before going, because if sounds like a scam, it probably is! OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to! But first, one of the GOATs, Jon Stewart is back to host the Daily Show, and he schools Tucker Carlson on his disastrous trip to Moscow:



So where do we begin this week? In the number one slot is the State Of Alabama (1). You thought the overturning of Roe V Wade was shockingly evil? Well wait until you see what Alabama’s got cooked up for you, they’re just getting started! In the number two slot this week is the annual look at the never ending abyss of the republican party cultivating in their annual convention known as the Conservative Political Action Conference, or CPAC (2) and it appears that everything from democracy to marriage is on the human rights chopping block and we cannot vote these assholes out soon enough! In the number 3 slot this week is that guy who we inexplicably used to call president (3) and guess what? Historians have come out with their annual ranking of every US president, and guess which one ranks dead last? I’ll give you a hint: it rhymes with FRUMP and it’s that guy who won’t shut the fuck up! In the number 4 slot this week is Chaya Raichik (4). You might know her better as the super-controversial Twitter/X handle “libsoftiktok”, and her rhetoric inspires anti-trans and LGBT hate and violence all over the world. Well now she’s being implicated in the brutal murder of an Oklahoma trans student and it’s not going to end well for her or her employers! In the number 5 slot this week is also that guy who we inexplicably used to call president (5) and now the judge on the trial, Arthur Engoron, is about to lay the smack down on Trump for not paying his mounting legal bills, and it could have serious implications! Taking the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week we’re going to show you an absolutely perfect example of what happens when someone is so brainwashed by propaganda that they take things too far and immediately regret it! Yeah you probably shouldn’t do that! In the number 7 slot this week, with dwindling attendance numbers, a who’s who of insurrectionists and MAGA cultists, and what’s basically turned into just another glorified Trump rally, we’re going to ask – “CPAC – How Is This Still A Thing?” (7). In the number 8 slot is our weekly venture into the seemingly never-ending void of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner (8), and this week, our friends at the Heritage Foundation have revealed new chapters of their shockingly evil Project 2025 at CPAC, and it ain’t good! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new edition of I Need A Drink (9) and this week we’re going to check out a viral tourist attraction that was recently featured on Last Week Tonight – the infamous Chicago “Rat Hole” and this thing is every bit as crazy as it sounds! Finally this week, it’s that time of year again! It’s time for our annual look at the stupidest states in the country with Stupidest State (10)! And this year, we kick off the festivities at the fabulous Yaamava Theater in Highland, CA with all of the states, the stats, the odds and info that you need to fill out those brackets! Plus to cap things off, we have the legendary Red Hot Chili Peppers stopping by! Go buy their latest album Return Of The Dream Canteen or you’re no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]The Alabama Supreme Court
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We haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of how shocking, stunningly bad the decision by the MAGA-skewered Supreme Court, to overturn Roe V Wade has been. And in the abortion debate, the MAGAs have shown that there is absolutely no low they won’t stoop to. There’s no line they will not cross. There’s nothing that’s too taboo or off limits for them. Simply put, they are a bunch of absolutely batshit crazy, psychotic, bloodthirsty lunatics who will stop at nothing in their quest for absolute power and the ability to control the women in this country. That was the grand prize in the 2016 election and they’re reaping the fruits of their ill-gotten and not deserved gains. This latest ruling in Alabama proves that they’re just getting started and they have no plans to stop at just abortion. Everything and anything will be coming on the human rights chopping block, and the overturning of Roe V. Wade opened up the flood gates. And like the psychopaths that they are, you can absolutely bet on their brand of cruelty being the point of this whole thing. And it’s gonna get worse.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Sigh… this country gets increasingly more insane by the day, and yes, we could pinpoint a certain news network as the source of this problem. But instead, we’re going to pin the blame on America’s megachurches. Of which there are thousands to choose from, and you can get a church that custom caters to your level of insanity if you know where to look. And why is church such a problem in this equation? Funny you should ask! Because if you read the ruling, my friends, it cites scripture over 20 fucking times! 1 time is too many! If you guessed that one of the justices who wrote the ruling is a hardline MAGA bootlicker, well, you’re not wrong!





Yeah seriously, what the actual fuck??? This ruling is so fucked up that not only does it totally destroy every GOP talking point on fetuses and embryos, it’s so extreme that even the most hardline rah rah MAGA republican lunatics are attempting to distance themselves from this ruling. And it also puts the spotlight on Christian nationalism, which our segment and spinoff program Holy Shit has been highlighting for the last year and a half. Nationalism is extremism, and extremism is nothing that you want to fuck with! Don’t worry, MAGAs, it will come back to bite you in the ass in November.





Damn right! There’s no telling what will happen from this hideous ruling. One thing we can tell you though is that it’s providing some much needed fuel for the fire for the church and state debate, and we need all on our side that we can get. Because as you may be aware, the separation of church and state is one of the hallmarks of the Constitution of the United States. And America’s religious right are, for lack of a better term, hell bent on tearing those walls down. This country is not religious fascist and it is not meant to be a democracy. The lawsuits overturning this ruling will be very interesting to watch, and believe us, we will not let Alabama hear the end of it!






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[font size="8"]CPAC
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You know it’s a really fucked up week when a speaker at CPAC literally says out loud that they’re here to end democracy as we know it, and it’s not the worst thing on the list this week! And it wasn’t just any CPAC speaker who said it, it’s noted full time professional social media troll and Trump stooge Jack Posobiec. I mean really, that guy is such a tool that if you were to look up the word “tool” in the dictionary, you’d see his picture. No offense to the band Tool, either. Though that is the definition that Maynard says is where the band’s name came from! OK getting off topic here. This is about CPAC, which this year was a truly colossal shit show to watch. It basically completed the merger between what sane republicans are left and full blown MAGA cultists. And did I say “sane republicans”? Oh god am I delirious or what? Sane republicans haven’t existed since 2012, and the last remaining one – Liz Cheney was ousted for hardline cultist Harriet Hageman. But this was maybe one of the most disturbing speeches I’ve ever seen and we’ve been doing this for nearly 8 years now!





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Where’s that cane that yanks cartoon characters off stage when you need it? Come on, sing it with me! It’s the end of democracy as we know it… it’s the end of democracy as we know it… it’s the end of democracy as we know it, and I feel fineeeeeee! But really this country has been fed a steady diet of toxic conservative rhetoric for 45 years now and that’s the kind of shit that we have to put up with. And thanks to Fox News and other hardline conservative outlets, we’re literally an election away from Congress turning into the House Of Representin’ from Idiocracy, and the White House falling to a wannabe authoritarian dictator like Trump. But MAGA extremism is a huge problem for this country and it could get worse as the election approaches.





Yes this most definitely sucks all right. And one thing about CPAC is that you don’t have to look very far to see just how far removed from reality today’s GOP is. It’s quite literally become a melting pot of conservative insanity and far right cultist bootlickers. Remember last year when they had that statue of Trump that was quite literally a golden calf? It’s got that much worse since then! And speaking of rambling lunatics, it’s scary to think how much that the MAGAs are cheering on what happened on January 6th. And it really shows that more of them should be doing hard time for what happened that day.





The United States *IS* a constitutional republic, you morons! How could you think it was anything else, and what is gun nut code for that? Holy shit, could the MAGA morons be any dumber than they are? Oh yeah it’s entirely possible. But if there’s one thing we don’t want – it’s a God first government. We have literally fought entire WARS to keep that from happening. It’s in the Constitution! You’d literally have to change the Constitution to make that happen, and that would probably take a war or two to do. Our constitution isn’t perfect by any means, but it’s the best we got! And speaking of insane lunatics, CPAC has basically just devolved into another stupid Trump rally, and he keeps using words that we’re not sure what they mean.






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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This confirms what we’ve been saying all along. Populist and authoritarian viewpoints aren’t exactly popular outside of… well, populist and authoritarian circles. And the presidency brought to you by that news network that embraces populist and authoritarian points of view, Fox News, wasn’t really that popular at all! And yes, the presidency that was brought to you by and for Fox News viewers – the Trump administration – is now officially the worst presidency of all time! We did it! Success, success, the worst ever ladies and gentlemen! Well, I mean since he’s the worst administration ever, there’s nowhere to go from here but up, is there? Yes, my friends – there is the possibility that it can get so much worse. But there’s also the possibility that it will get better. In fact, according to the poll, Biden is already leaps and bounds ahead of the last guy. But this is a message to Fox News that they really need to stop fucking with our government!





So let’s extrapolate this for a minute. The absolute hallmark of the American presidency is Abraham Lincoln, followed by Franklin Delano Roosevelt. The absolute low mark of the American presidency is… *drum roll* Donald J. Trump. And to think that not only is there now the very real possibility that he could get reelected, but some of his more fervent supporters actually want to make him the dictator for life and give him the ability to kill anyone who stands in his way! Holy shit, you really can’t get much worse than this, can you?





Yeah Trump isn’t just bad – he’s shockingly bad. That’s why we fired his sorry ass in 2020 because of how shitty of a leader and even shitter of a human being he is. And you gotta hand it to our current president – he’s doing what he thinks is best for the country, despite that Fox News and the idiots who watch it have their middle fingers aimed squarely at him. And he’s doing it with class and dignity, which is way more than you can say about the other guy! Of course the usual group of idiots on social media are whining about it like the spoiled toddlers that they are.





Yeah see, MAGAs? We’re not crying hysterically and you’re not “owning us”. You know what we are doing instead? We’re laughing at you! Because of how ridiculously stupid you make yourselves look, and all of the vileness and nastiness you tend to exhibit on a daily basis. So while you’re continuing to exhibit yourself as the extremely low class individuals that you are with your stupid memes and your general shitty behavior, we’re leading like the way real adults should lead. And your news networks and talk shows can’t mask over what a terrible human being Trump is, and a second term would only be that much worse! Let’s do the right thing in November and flush this turd once and for all, OK?






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[font size="8"]libsoftiktok
[br] [/font] [br]

If you’re not familiar with a term called “stochastic terrorism”, you should definitely do some research on the subject. The basic definition of this term is that it is demonization of an opponent to the point where your followers commit acts of violence against the demonized. It’s back in the news right now, because since Elon took over, Twitter / X has a huge stochastic terrorism problem on its’ hands. It’s mainly stemming from one account called “libsoftiktok”. You may have heard of this account. It’s owned by noted stochastic terrorist and open MAGA fan Chaya Raichik, who was an active participant in January 6th. Yeah I know, Elon hates it when I show that photo! Well this particular account is famous for its’ doxxing and harassment treatment of teachers, doctors and other professionals based on LGBT, and especially the T issues. Well did you know that this account has nearly 3 million followers and is heavily promoted by Elon Musk? Yeah that’s what makes this scary. Well, Chaya is under fire because her rhetoric may have gone too far this time and actually got people killed. Hold your boos.





Yeah it’s truly scary the reach and influence of this wretched account. We reported last year that this account was inspiring death and bomb threats against Boston hospitals and the ire has since turned to school boards. But wherever Chaya goes, it seems like violence and chaos follow. This is the kind of person who the Trump / MAGA movement attracts and it’s not a good one. And here’s the thing, depending on what news sources you read, the headline could have entirely different outcomes. One thing we know is clear – Chaya Raichik is one of the biggest stochastic terrorists on the internet, and it’s a shame that Elon Musk is promoting and monetizing this account!





Not even that, she’s just pure evil. But part of the reason why we wanted to bring that up is her influence in the state of Oklahoma. It seems, like most in the MAGA community, wherever Chaya goes, violence, death threats and bomb threats follow. It must take a seriously disturbed person to leave a threat to murder someone they didn’t know, based off a 60 second clip posted on social media that was most likely taken out of context. Which is what Chaya does for a living. And that’s a pretty sad way to make a living. Now we bring this up because Chaya was recently hired by the Superintendent of Oklahoma, Ryan Walters, a Fox News addicted Q Anon lunatic. This makes the murder in question that much worse!





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! This is part of the problem with right wing hate culture is that the bad guys don’t get punished. Instead they get rewarded because they speak the same language of hate as they do! And Ryan Walters is a huge part of the problem in Oklahoma. Quite frankly, we don’t know how the parents are tolerating this shit. Either that or they’re celebrating it. Sigh… Fox News is the reason why we can’t have nice things in this country. And you can’t call out a right wing troll in this country no matter how much death they attract. What’s it going to take? Oh and we can’t forget that Chaya was readily identified as being part of the January 6th mob, so there is that. Yeah boo.






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[font size="8"]The Trump Trial Latest
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Yeah, we know, we get it, OK? Our ban on covering most of the bullshit relating to that guy who we inexplicably used to call president, Donald J. Trump, still stands. But we’re not covering his stupid Nazi rallies. We’re instead covering the ongoing trial of securities fraud against the state of New York, and right now it looks like, last I checked, New York is still winning! That’s because of judge Letitia Thomas, who is not having any of Trump’s bullshit. But this might be my favorite part of the whole trial thus far – we all know that Trump is never going to pay that fine, no matter how large it gets. But Judge Engoron has put up an interest calculator showing just how much interest Trump is accumulating, and as anyone who currently holds a credit card with a major bank will tell you – that’s fucking insane! This brings up a much more interesting question that we think the media should be discussing more – who the fuck is paying Trump’s bills? And who’s financing the fuel needed for his jet to run between his ongoing trials and his ridiculous rallies? That seems like a fact worth knowing! Anyway, while no one really expects him to pay, this is a great way to motivate people.





Well now that happened, today conservatives truly proved that there is no bottom they won’t stoop to because apparently a mysterious envelope filled with white powder showed up to his office. Yeah imagine what kind of depraved soul you have to be to do this. And no doubt they were inspired by Fox News and whatever moron is currently occupying the 8:00 PM slot before Sean Hannity, who is it? Jesse Watters? Oh god! Yeah he’s probably the one to blame for this. Or it could also be of Russian / Saudi origin. Either way, nothing surprises us at this point. The GOP has completely lost any shred of any moral compass they had left.





Yeah get a load of this loser! By the way media, no, we’re not surprised that Don Jr. also received the same white powder in Florida. But it’s totally insane that actual white collar billionaire criminals have a totally different justice system than us average folks. Made even all the more insane because some judges will rule differently if they watch the same talk shows you watch. George Carlin was right – it’s a big club, and we’re not in it! You and I are not in the billionaire right wing club, and we’re also not in the right wing Murdoch fanboy club. I don’t know a lot about the American legal system, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how this sort of thing works.





Damn right! I mean what the actual fuck? He’s only going to pay $100 million of the nearly $500 million fine? It’s not like buying a refrigerator or a phone, you can’t just make monthly payments until you pay it off in full! But I do have to say that I am personally loving Judge Engoron, because he is not having any of Trump’s shit, and he can’t have Sean Hannity bail him out every time. Also, unlike Clarence Thomas, we’re guessing he doesn’t have a billionaire Nazi sugar daddy to bail him out either. And as always, we say that when you’re already in a hole, you should really stop digging!






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know as I keep saying, we do live in some truly dark times right now. But of course, people looking for solace often turn to some very unsavory characters. Case in point. We live in a world that is dominated by a 24 hour a day news cycle. Propaganda is everywhere, whether we want to believe it or not. Well, today we’re going to show you what happens when propaganda goes too far. You may have heard about a Canadian family that packed it all in and moved from Canada to some place more… conservative. And well, guess which country they chose? They chose Russia of all places! Uh… have you seen what’s been going on in the news in this country lately? Of course, they do not support GAWD or JAYSUS! They support the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name dare not be spoken in my church! Now normally we usually bring you a number of different stories all linked, but today we’re going to focus on this one, because there’s a lot to unpack here.





Yes, my good sir, you knew that the idea was dangerous when you first toyed with it! So not only did he actually fall for the propaganda, he flat out decided that enough was enough. But there’s far more to this story than meets the eye, and we’ve been obsessed since first learning about it. It’s what propaganda does, my fair congregation! It fucks with your head just as bad as some of the major drugs do, and just like drugs, getting off of it is a long and scary process! And the thing, my fair congregation, and you know this, you all know this, is that gay people are everywhere! You probably have some in your immediate friends and family circle! So moving to one country won’t escape the problem, which is what our friends found out.





Yes, so let’s explain now why you shouldn’t do this. It’s a lot more than just being able to speak the language. I don’t know if you’ve looked at the requirements in order to be able to move to another country, you got to have that thing called… oh yeah money. And a place to live. You can’t just go there, jump in the deep end, and expect to act like you’ve lived there your whole life. Especially that last part where they said that most people who aren’t in Putin’s inner circle are dirt poor. And even some of those who are in Putin’s circle are well… in the dirt. It’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation! But apparently Russia is still trying to attract that market!





So what’s the moral of the story here, my fair congregation? The moral of the story is: don’t let the propaganda consume you! It’s a drug, it’s a demon drug! It screws with your head and your most primal inhibitions! If you’re thinking about moving to be closer to the unholy Dark One, you’d better think twice about it! Because the family in the story in question didn’t exactly know what they were getting into when they started this thing. And now they immediately regret their decision. Yes if you’re considering this, you might want to think twice, or at least… do your damn research!





So, my fair congregation, I don’t need to remind you – don’t listen to your church’s hate propaganda and don’t let the hate consume you, and cause you to make brash decisions like this! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]How Is This Still A Thing: CPAC
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It’s time once again to ask:



This week, the Conservative Political Action Conference, or CPAC. It’s that annual gathering where people pay large amounts of money for what’s essentially a glorified Trump rally. And to also hear their local representatives barf their brains on whatever subject comes to mind, like they’re auditioning for open mic night at the Chuckle Hut or something. But the diversity of the guest speakers at CPAC is something to behold. There’s racist white guy, racist white guy, there’s this dude who’s hanging out here for some reason. And there’s this… whatever the fuck this is. Imagine basing your whole identity around Trump of all people! And then going and getting a hideous face tattoo to commemorate and publicly display your insanity! But yes, in case you’re wondering, like most activity involving the republican party, CPAC has basically devolved into yet another rally where Trump stands at a podium for an hour and a half and barfs whatever comes to… whatever his excuse for a “brain” is.





Yes so the second Trump administration plans to get swift revenge and it will be extremely painful if they are allowed to go through with it. But in case you are wondering, yes, there were actual Nazis in attendance this year, and Matt Schlapp and the organizers at CPAC basically acted like it was no big deal for them. You know why? Well we say that not all Trump supporters are Nazis, but all literal Nazis are Trump supporters! In fact, they feel enabled and emboldened by his world view, which really says more about him than anything. And come on, where are the Blues Brothers – Jake and Elwood – when you really need them?





Yes, so the Nazis can go fuck off no matter what country they are in. We literally fought an entire war against these psychos! It took ten years and cost millions of lives! They lost! But this year, since the 2024 election is looking more and more like a rematch between Biden and Trump, a rematch that nobody really asked for or wanted, there was a lot of speculation over who Trump’s VP is going to be, and come on, after the way he treated the last guy, does anyone actually *WANT* that job? Guess if you’re his pick now, that means you’re willing to take one for the team.





We’re more curious about who his roommate is going to be at Riker’s Island. Come on, Judge Engoron, please for the love of god, do your thing so he doesn’t get elected! The good news though is that it seems like the attendance numbers for CPAC are way down from where they were at this time back in 2016. It seems like people are waking up to the dangers of conservative populist authoritarian ideals and nobody likes what Trump is selling anymore. And if the empty rooms are any indication, hopefully the democrats will be able to use this in campaign commercials. It’s the thing that CPAC founder Matt Schlapp doesn’t want you to see!





So poor attendance combined with Nazis and glorified Trump rallies. That’s enough to make you ask – The Conservative Political Action Conference:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! Well, my friends, this week, as noted social media troll Jack Posobiec so distinctly said at CPAC, that they’re here to overturn democracy as we know it. Well, we happened to get a hold of their controversial little plan. As you know, they’ve concocted what’s essentially a plan to use the United States Constitution to overturn our most basic election protocols and usher in a new era of neo-fascism and authoritarian viewpoints. It’s called Project 2025 and we briefly talked about last year (see: Idiots #15-13 ). But now we know more about it, and it’s every bit as shockingly evil as we thought.





“Loosen our grip from the radical left”? What the fuck are they talking about? If anything, look at it this way – our school boards and city councils are flipping right wing crazy, Congress was flipped right wing crazy, the Senate and SCOTUS were flipped right wing crazy. If anything, we need to loosen our grip from the right wing crazies! Holy shit these people are off the rails crazy and they’re not coming back to reality anytime soon. And by way, it doesn’t just stop at sex and policing what women can do with their own bodies. Oh no my friends. They got a plan for everything. And in case you’re wondering, yes, they do have a plan for the environment and it ain’t good!





Hooooooooooooooooooooooooooly shit! They’re really going off the deep end, aren’t they? Of course that’s what happens when your party is run by talk show hosts and a megalomaniacal news network that’s out for absolute power. But what about religion, you may ask? Well, I answer you, good sir or madam, remember that talk we’ve been having about the merging between religion and the United States government? Well it’s not so much as a merging, it’s more like a hostile corporate takeover, and an extreme one at that. Well, Project 2025’s got it covered!





So Project 2025 is basically a gift to the hard right, authoritarian types who want to destroy and dismantle our country like some kind of going out of business sale. It was a nice democracy while it lasted, and we would like to use this opportunity to give a hearty “fuck you” to the following people with huge bullet points: Steve Bannon, Donald Trump, the Heritage Foundation, Fox News, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Laura Ingraham, Maria Baritromo, Jesse Watters, Tucker Carlson, and every megachurch pastor in America. You helped create this nightmare. I hope you sleep easy at night knowing you’re responsible for America’s slide into the abyss. If you don’t think this shit is dangerous, well, we’ll let an expert lay it out for you! You’ve been warned.






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink: The Chicago Rat Hole
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Hey everyone, I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!



Of course, you know the idea behind this segment is that we have some drinks, and while we are drinking, we talk about literally anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. Because I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but there’s a lot of really dark shit in the news right now! So we feel that the best course of action is to belly up to the bar, grab a cold one or two, and escape the harsh reality we live in right now. And don’t worry, my sober brothers and sisters, we got you covered too! So just grab a glass of your favorite coffee, tea or energy drink and come get wired with us! Anyway, this week, we have to talk about a viral tourist attraction out of Chicago. It’s the now infamous Chicago Rat Hole – it’s a concrete hole on the sidewalk that looks like a dead rat. And people all over the world are flocking to it! Tell me, bartender, what goes well with a story about a rat hole? Rat Hole IPA? Eh… I think I’ll pass. I’ll stick to my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. I call it the Double Jack! Anyway this tourist attraction is all over the news. In fact you might have seen it on one of our favorite shows, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver!





Yeah so you’re just strolling through a Chicago neighborhood and you come across… holy shit! Is that a hole shaped like a dead rat??? How did it get there? Next thing you upload a post to Tik Tok showing everyone that there’s a hole shaped like a dead rat… and now you’ve got people flocking to this thing like they’re seeing the British royal family for the first time! But there’s one thing the famous rat hole is attracting that the residents don’t like. And that’s some very unwanted attention and a lot of visitors, which means a lot of extra traffic. None of this is particularly what one would call good, especially if you happen to live there!





Oh come on, man! Just because *YOU* don’t like it, doesn’t mean that you have to ruin it for everyone else, save that job for a certain political party! Again, we don’t talk about politics at the bar, so we won’t name which one! We’ll have to let you guess! By the way, I love that the residents have named the Rat Hole “Splatatouille” after the Pixar flick Ratatouille, which is equal parts disgusting, cringy and hilarious if you have a dark sense of humor! And of course, like anything viral these days, anything that becomes popular comes with – you guessed it – cheesy merchandise! Because come on, how else are you going to make money off something?





I don’t think that bottle is big enough! But merchandising, that’s where the real money from the viral tourist attraction is made! However, if you’re interested in going to see the Rat Hole, do it now before it disappears maybe forever! Because while the Rat Hole is bringing in some much needed tourist revenue to Roscoe Street, it’s also attracting some unwanted negative attention from Chicago’s city council, who have been threatening to remove the concrete block for quite some time. Which has both angered residents and internet attractors. So if you want to go see it now, you’d better do so now, because tomorrow may be too late!






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[font size="8"]Stupidest State 2024 Selection Sunday
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16 states will enter, and only one will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Welcome back to the National For Fuck’s Sake Association’s annual Stupidest State Tournament! Yes, the time has come to once again pit all 16 states into a March Madness style tournament to find the best of the best, the stupidest of the stupid! The winner of course will get the coveted DeLay Trophy, named for former Texas hall of fame coach Tom DeLay, who took Texas to an unprecedented 8 titles in a row! We’re here in Highland, California at the foot of Big Bear Mountain and Lake Arrowhead, at the fabulous Yaamava Theater for the kickoff festivities! I’d also like to thank the good people at San Manuel for allowing us to host here! So let’s end the introduction and go to the floor, shall we?

[font size="4"]Statement From The Commissioner: [/font]

Welcome, welcome, welcome! It is so good to be back, and for the seventh year in a row! Wow, can you believe that it’s been 7 years that we’ve been doing this thing? Neither can we! Well we would first like to thank and congratulate last year’s winner, #1 Florida, who absolutely trounced all contenders to take the crown! Florida, you are a shining example of conservative idiocy! Missouri had an absolutely incredible run as well, dominating the Layover League. As you know, we have four distinct conferences – The Batshit Conference – ruled by crazy, The Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference – ruled by unprecedented corporate greed, The Gun Nut Conference – ruled by guns and conspiracy theories, and the Family Values Conference – ruled by Jesus, abortion and LGBT hatred. Now the rules, as you know, the first round consists of 2 matches per round (4 total), then the second round consists of 1 match per round (2 total) then the final four, then the championship. And as always, we do use the single round elimination rules of the NCAA. You lose, you’re out. So enough bantering, let’s get on and introduce our contenders! Let’s do this thing!



[font size="4"]The Batshit Conference [/font]



The Batshit Conference is the oldest and most distinct conference in the league. It’s the conference where the states are ruled by crazy and the people who elect the voters are every bit as crazy as their representatives. Go on and let your MAGA freak flag fly while truck nuts dangle from your oversized pickup’s trailer hitch. You’ll proudly burn your Oreos, shoot at 6 packs of Bud Light, and drive your vehicle through the window of your nearest Target store if it means owning the libs! Who needs sanity when you can listen to 1,000 GOP podcasts a day and repent your frustrations on Fox News and the Sean Hannity show every single night? The Batshit Conference: Proudly representing crazy since 1894!

1. Florida: Once again, the Sunshine State continues its’ epic run sitting atop of the Batshit Conference for the second year in a row! Under coach DeSantis, they are a shining example of America’s march towards authoritarianism and right wing religious insanity. It’s the state where books are banned, public education is heavily policed, the state can take over your business if you don’t repent your sins on Fox News 24/7, and independent thought be damned!
Odds: 2:1. Florida doesn’t rank king among the Batshit Conference for nothing. They were practically undefeated in the regular season and they look to extend that to the finals!
Smoking Gun: Ron DeSantis’ presidential campaign crashed and burned, as expected. He isn’t even the running for Trump’s running mate. You’re stuck with him, Florida!

2. Arizona: The Grand Canyon State shocked the United States when they went for Team Blue in 2020 and even bluer in 2022. Will they continue their trend in 2024? Or will their senate seat be forfeited to a fascist lunatic like Kari Lake? Well, the Grand Canyon State is full of surprises and they will be a fun one to watch going forward in the tournament.
Odds: They have some tough competition with Florida, but as we have seen, the champions are going to have their wits cut out for them if they are to repeat!
Smoking Gun: The Senate has passed a piece of legislation that says that anyone can sue any learning institution if they are teaching any lessons they deem “Marxist”. SMDH.

3. Louisiana: The Bayou State, the home of New Orleans, Bourbon St, and Mardi Gras, is one of the most politically volatile in the entire country, and they are completely full of surprises! While you probably weren’t looking, the MAGAs managed to flip the governor’s position from 2 term John Bel Edwards to new MAGA / Fox bootlicker Jeff Landry, and they’re also the home of current House megachurch pastor, er, speaker Mike Johnson. Which way will Looooooooooooooosiana vote in the 2024 election? Well there’s only one way to find out!
Odds: 8:1, they’ve got some tough competition in the Batshit Conference, but a win could prove to be a massive upset and bust some brackets!
Smoking Gun: Louisiana’s Fox News installed senators are so bad that there’s actually video circulating calling out their madness!

4. Kentucky: The Blue Grass State is always a favorite in this dance, but there’s a lot of talk about Kentucky’s current volatility. Yes, the state that gave us Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul is no stranger to batshit crazy politicians. However, with the impending doom of the 2024 election and Trump’s sinking popularity and increasing radicalism, the way that Kentucky votes could determine how the red states turn out in the 2024 election!
Odds: 10:1, a lot of injures plagued the Wildcats’ regular season, but they still managed to pull a wild card spot. Will they prevail? They could be a huge upset if they play their cards right!
Smoking Gun: Kentucky *FINALLY* catches up with the rest of the country with their first EV charging station, 10 years after electric cars became mainstream!

[font size="4"]The Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference[/font]



Unprecedented corporate greed is the name of the game in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference! You don’t have to screw over the populace if it means adding a few extra zeroes to your already bloated paychecks, but it inflates your ego as well as your bank account! Gulfstream Jets and 10,000 square foot yachts aren’t even the norm in these states. You got to have mansions that are practically their own zip code and private 747s! While your states’ quality of life and average salary are going downhill, your bank account is going up and up and up! And as always, every state in this conference has their representatives bought and paid for by Koch Industries and the Heritage Foundation. The Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference: Proudly Going For Broke since 1952!

1. Ohio: Last year’s number one is also this year’s number one! When we last saw the Buckeye State, they were deeply immersed in the recent train derailment at East Palestine, but while they may be in recovery mode now, they’ve still got a long way to go. Unfortunately, the red swing state got even redder, being represented by JD Vance and Mike DeWine. There is hopefully good news though, is that the Ohio Supreme Court is up for grabs in the 2024 election!
Odds: 5:1 They had some injuries in the regular season. But if they stay healthy they could go very far.
Smoking Gun: Biden is *FINALLY* visiting the site of the train derailment nearly 1 year after the incident happened.

2. Wisconsin: Yes, the Badger State – the state that Trump screwed over in the famous Foxconn deal, is back for another go round! Yes, Wisconsin nearly went blue in 2020 and is only getting bluer, but the state that gave us Ron Johnson still has lots of financial difficulties and isn’t out of the woods yet. The state is still heavily gerrymandered and cases relating to it may show up at the doors of SCOTUS at some point. But don’t rule out the Badger State just yet!
Odds: 5:1 They had a strong showing during the regular season, but an upset against Ohio could prove to be a huge upset!
Smoking Gun:

3. Nevada: Yes, the Silver State is back for another shot at Stupidest State glory! Yes, they went blue in 2020 and blue again in 2022, but the home of the casino and gambling industry in America is facing some new challenges with legalized online gambling. And not to mention that every state in America has its’ fair share of MAGA lunatics, and Nevada is certainly no different. In fact they’re dragging the Silver State down from the inside!
Odds: 8:1 Nevada had some injuries during the regular season. But a healthy squad could catapult them to the Final Four if they play their cards right!
Smoking Gun: One school district in Nevada hired a MAGA attorney and failed gubernatorial candidate to represent them – and was hit with some insane bills!

4. South Dakota: The Mt. Rushmore State is back for their latest attempt at getting to the big dance! The home of the Sturgis Biker Rally is also led by long time, Fox News installed Coach Kristi Noem and has been in a battle with the US government and nearby tribal leaders to have a big fireworks show on July 4th every single year, and they get rejected every single year! You know, fool me once, shame on you! Fool me several times… I guess also shame on you?
Odds: 10:1 They are one of the longest long shots of the tournament, but an upset could see them do some damage to some brackets!
Smoking Gun: Kristi Noem actually got banned from a reservation for her extreme comments about the US – Mexican border!

[font size="4"]The Gun Nut Conference[/font]



Shooting first and asking questions later is the name of the game in the Gun Nut Conference! It’s the state where you get to tell the police that you don’t have a safe full of guns in your garage, and enough ammo to take out a small army, you’re exercising your rights! It’s the states where the debate between concealed carry and open carry can be considered a contact sport! You are an open and proud ammosexual who can’t wait to show off his new submachine gun during a dinner date to the nearest Chipotle! It’s the states where you can proudly claim that you actually do have a gun in your pants, and if it goes off, well, come on! Get your mind out of the gutter! Buy all the guns and ammo that you want and there ain’t nobody stopping you! In fact, if you get the right judge who also watches Fox News on a continuous loop, you too can get away with murder if you frame it as exercising your 2A rights! Come on, it’s your rights and they shall not be infringed! The Gun Nut Conference: Infringing On Your Right To Live since 1896!

1. Texas: You’ve got to hand it to the Lone Star State, they’ve been on an absolutely unprecedented run in the last 5 years, winning the Gun Nut Conference every single time. That #1 seed isn’t there for a reason. Under coach Greg Abbott, Texas has been a shining example of conservative idiocy, currently plagued by the ongoing Fox News sponsored crisis at the border, and Abbott’s willingness to kill and ship migrants at will!
Odds: 2:1 Texas has long been a fan favorite of this tournament. They’ve won two championships and they’ll do it again!
Smoking Gun: Greg Abbott recently said that the only reason why they’re not flat-out shooting migrants at the border is because the Biden administration would charge them with murder!

2. Georgia: If there’s one thing we’ve learned about the Peach State over the years is that they love them some guns! And if there’s one state that isn’t under NRA control more than Georgia, we haven’t found one yet. And lead by coach Brian Kemp, they had a strong showing during the regular season. And Georgia’s representatives like Marjorie Greene do love them some guns and they are not afraid to use them!
Odds: 8:1 They had a decent showing during the regular season and you never know which way they’ll go in an election year. But an upset could bust some brackets!
Smoking Gun: There’s a law on the books in Georgia now that lowers the sales tax on guns and ammo. Load ‘em up, guys!

3. Missouri: The Show Me State is back for their 4th consecutive tournament in a row! Yes, the state that gave us wannabe insurrectionist tough guy Josh Hawley and protest interrupters the McCloskeys, loves them some guns, and they’re not afraid to use them! And yes the Kansas City Chiefs were the winners of the Super Bowl, and their victory parade was the scene of one of America’s latest mass shootings.
Odds: 5:1 – Missouri had a strong showing in the regular season and an upset could potentially bust some brackets!
Smoking Gun: There’s literally a law on the books that would bring back dueling. Hell we called this years ago!

4. Idaho: The Gem State is once again back for another go round! Once you get outside the city of Boise, the farmers and rural communities love them some guns. And they also frown on that thing called “education” that so many of us have. So put the two things together and you’ve got a venerable melting pot of conservative insanity!
Odds: 10:1 Idaho favored decently in the Gun Nut Conference during the regular season and they’re underdogs going in. An upset could prove them to be the Cinderella story of the tournament!
Smoking Gun: Idaho just legalized concealed carry in schools because – wait for it – terrorism. You can’t make this up!


[font size="4"]The Family Values Conference[/font]



All things are about God and Jesus in the Family Values Conference! It’s the conference where you can’t repent your sins fast enough, you godless heathen! These are the states that are run by and for the church. They’ve replaced Red Hot Chili Peppers and Pearl Jam on the radio with Mercy Me and Jars Of Clay. Your TV every night is watching Joel Osteen preach in a massive stadium. It’s the states where the men are the manliest men who’ve ever manned and the only thing that a woman is supposed to do is stay in the kitchen all day and make babies. Independent thought be damned! It’s the states where the Bible Belt is a size 52. Where there’s more churches than Arby’s, and the largest churches are housed in former basketball stadiums. Your preacher doesn’t just need a private jet, he needs a globe-trotting preaching machine! It’s the conference where thoughts and prayers aren’t just a way of expressing sorrow after a mass shooting, only to be followed by no action on gun laws whatsoever, it’s a mandatory way of life! The Family Values Conference: Proudly representing some good old fashioned fire and brimstone since 1896!

1. Alabama: With a young team full of some absolutely batshit crazy players, Alabama utterly trounced all competitors this year to climb their way to the top of the Family Values Conference, stunning all the pundits and fans! Why is that? Well the anti-abortion movement in the Yellowhammer State has reached not only self-aware status but some absolute next level insanity with a recent ruling that suggests that frozen embryos are really babies! WTF.
Odds: 2:1 The Yellowhammers completely stunned the competition on their way to the top and won new fans and detractors alike! Expect them to go very far!
Smoking Gun: Despite all of its’ other problems, Alabama is also facing a literal slave labor crisis. You really can’t make this shit up!

2. Tennessee: Last year, the Volunteer State made some waves when the state representatives, led mostly by Fox News plants, decided to simply fire three of the democratic representatives for simply being there. Not to mention a horrifying mass shooting sparked a wave of violence against LGBT and especially trans people following a mass shooting at a high school. A lot of red voters may be moving to Nashville, so it’s become a melting pot of right wing insanity!
Odds: 5:1 Tennessee’s got some extremely tough competition ahead of them but a win against Alabama would prove to be a massive upset!
Smoking Gun: Things are so bad in Tennessee right now that a woman seeking an abortion literally had to flee the state to avoid charges!

3. Oklahoma: The Sooner State has long been a fan favorite in the Family Values Conference. They’ve made some upgrades to their squad during the regular season, adding Ryan Walters as a coach / advisor. But if you want to know the source of Q Anon book banning insanity, definitely look no further than the Sooner State. Which is a state that’s been overrun with Q Anon MAGA fans at all levels of government.
Odds: 5:1 Some injuries plagued the Sooner States’ chances during the regular season, but a healthy team could wind up doing some damage!
Smoking Gun: OK superintendent Ryan Walters – a Q Anon Fox addicted nutjob, recently hired Chaya Raichik, the owner of the extremely controversial Twitter/X account “libsoftiktok”, an account famous for doxxing and harassing teachers and doctors over LGBT issues, as a top advisor.

4. North Carolina: North Carolina is a fan favorite in this conference, and also very well known for being one of the most politically volatile states in the entire country. You never know which way they’ll go when there’s an election year. One thing’s for certain – they’ve been getting exponentially crazier since Fox News installed Glenn Youngkin, a noted anti-abortionist whackjob, as their governor in the 2022 election. Since then, the Tar Heel State has become a melting pot of right wing insanity!
Odds: 10:1 They were underdogs in the regular season, and they are definitely underdogs in the post season. A win against Oklahoma could definitely bust a bracket or two!
Smoking Gun: MAGA Republicans literally created their own state run police force which would give them unprecedented power to seize documents and property!

[font size="4"]The Schedule [/font]



[font size="4"]The Bracket [/font]



[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

When we come back on March 14th, it’s time for Round 1 Week 1, and we’re live at the home of the Anaheim Ducks, Honda Center in Southern California! It’s a battle for Batshit supremacy as #1 Florida takes on #2 Arizona, while over in the Gun Nut Conference, #3 Missouri takes on #4 Ohio! Be sure to follow us on Mastodon at top10conidiots @mstdn.party for updates!


[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Red Hot Chili Peppers[/font]

Folks, my next guest, their latest album is called Return Of The Dream Canteen. You can see them on tour through March 31st including this Saturday at the Kia Forum. Playing their song Tippa My Tongue, give it up for the Red Hot Chili Peppers!



Thank you New York! It’s great to be back! We’re taking a short break next week, we’ll be back on Thursday, March 14th with a brand new edition live from Miami with live music from Mammoth WVH and Stupidest State Round 1 Week 1! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Red Hot Chili Peppers appear courtesy of: Warner Records, Inc.
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Grammercy Theater, New York City, NY
Special thanks to: Yaamava Resort & Casino At San Manuel, Highland, CA
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
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Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Mastodon at: Top10ConIdiots@mstdn.party
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Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

February 22, 2024

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #16-3: The Not So Fresh Prince Of Bel Air Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #16-3: The Not So Fresh Prince Of Bel Air Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yoooooooooooooooooooooo!!! What’s up Albuqueque? How are you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! It’s been quite a while since we’ve been in the ABQ but it’s good to be back! Yeah I know we were supposed to be doing the Wheel Of Corruption this week but it got pushed back because our server upgrade screwed up this whole season, but now that we've got it back we’re good to go! By the way, you know what next week is? It’s that time of year! Time for our the 6th annual installment of our popular Stupidest State contest! Yes, the NFFSA is back and we can’t wait to bring you what we have in store! Also I know we said we’d debut our new segment Capitol Critters, but that also got pushed back. Expect that in the March 13th edition. Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do! Well we don’t have time for it this week, but next week we absolutely have to talk about the famous Chicago rat hole. Yes, this is a thing. If you haven’t heard about it, it’s a viral tourist attraction that was recently featured on our favorite program, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. It’s been in just about everything, and really it’s just a mysterious hole that looks like a deep fried rat. Can we show that? And trust us when we say that it’s every bit as weird as you might expect! People actually got married there. OK imagine finding that special person you want to spend the rest of your life with, then 9 days before the wedding, you say “Hey let’s get married at that rat shaped hole!”. Yeah… think about it! So yes, you can bet that the next time we’re in Chicago we’re definitely getting our picture taken with that thing! OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first, John Oliver is back and you have to see his solution to stop the extreme corruption coming from the Supreme Court, particularly justice Clarence Thomas:



So where do we begin this week? Sigh… another week another shooting. And this time, what should have been a day of celebration for the Kansas City Chiefs turned instead into another nightmare and another sad reminder of America’s ongoing Gun-O-Cide (1). But if you’re looking for someone to blame, blame the fucking idiots that Missouri continues to elect, like Josh Hawley and Mike Parsons! In the second slot, the worst House of Representative since the Civil War strikes again with their ongoing sham impeachment trial of DHS director Alejandro Mayorkas (2) and it’s turning into yet another infuriating example of how highly partisan politics run by idiots and a hostile, vindictive “news network” is destroying the United States. In the third slot this week is that guy who we inexplicably used to call president (3) and yes, we’ve put a temporary ban on covering every bullshit thing he says, but after his call to ban NATO and let Putin basically take over Europe is particularly alarming. Yeah we’ve seen how this movie ends, and it ain’t good! In the number four slot is the Border Convoy (4). Yes, the brainwashed Fox News addicted idiots who are taking over a small town at the Texas – Mexico border are proving to be unwelcome guests, and their ridiculous convoy is turning into the colossal shit show that we all expected that it would be! Taking the 5th slot this week is of course that guy who we inexplicably used to call president, Donald Trump (5) and he went to Philadelphia to crash a convention and hawk his latest merchandise scheme – a pair of hideous gold sneakers! And it backfired on him pretty spectacularly! And in the number 6 slot is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and if you’re as concerned about the rising tide of fascism in the United States as we are, you will want to check out this new movie from Spinal Tap co-creator Rob Reiner called “God + Country”. We’ll have a preview of what you can expect and tell you more about these scumbags! In the number 7 slot, speaking of insane scumbags, we add Texas’ drug dealing doctor and Trump cognitive test administrator Ronny Jackson (Q – Batshit) to that ever growing list of People Who Somehow Got Elected (7)! Taking the 8th slot this week is a new edition of our segment that delves into the never ending void of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner (8) and this week – is it possible that Putin has deployed a nuclear weapon in space or is it just a bunch of online bullshit? Well we can’t put anything past the Moscow Mad Man but we’re going to say a little from column A, a little from column B. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week, we have a new People Are Dumb (9) because of course they are! Finally this week it’s the conclusion of our 3 part series Road To The Primaries (10) and this week we’re going to finally put an end to the debate that’s been the subject of many prime time talk shows – is Joe Biden too old to run? The answer may surprise you! Plus to close things out, we have the awesome Black Pumas stopping by, and buy their new album “Chronicles Of A Diamond” or you’re no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Super Bowl Shooting
G [br] [/font] [br]

God damn it, America. Cant you go one fucking day without an incident happening? No, of course you can’t. And every time we try to push this country towards admitting that it has a problem, it seems like we take one step forward and then about 15 backwards. What should have been a celebratory time for the Kansas City Chiefs instead turned into a sad reminder of America’s ongoing gun addiction and gun lust, and another raise in the body count for the ongoing gun-o-cide. But we don’t need to remind you that Missouri governor Mike Parsons is one of the NRA’s highest rated gun friendly psycho politicians in the country, and that Missouri passed some of the most pro-gun legislation in the United States. And remember these clowns, the McCloskeys? Yeah they live in Missouri too. But this is also another sad reminder of why this country can’t have nice things, and we personally blame a certain right wing news network for it.





Yeah that’s actually pretty accurate for now. But yes America’s gun nuts are the reason why this country can’t have nice things. Well that and Fox News. And come on, American media, you can’t compare what happened in Kansas City to what happens when the Lakers win and fans set cars on fire, or when the Philadelphia Eagles win and their fans go crazy and punch police horses. Yes that’s a thing. But of course, red flag laws would have prevented such a shooting from happened because then that means a guy who was previously reckless with a gun couldn’t buy a new gun to be reckless with again.





And by the way, Mike Parson, we’re not letting you get off of this one scot-free. This shooting, like most of the others in the Show Me State, is entirely on YOU. You can’t blame “violent crime” for this one, there is only one thing to blame, and that’s the gun. America has more guns than people in this country, and the guns have more rights than the people who get shot with them. And it’s all thanks to batshit, NRA sponsored politicians like Mike Parsons who pass this insane legislation that makes the rest of the world not want to be associated with us. You don’t get to walk away from this one!





Yeah right! Does anyone else hear that? Thoughts and prayers right on cue! But I want to point out something – Parson also noted that there was another shooting at that same area. That’s because mass shootings are such a common occurrence that we’ve almost become numb to the fact that there’s so many happening. But here’s what absolutely sucks about this country – we want to make change in America’s gun laws, but politicians are too afraid to stand up to the NRA, Fox News, and the right wing propaganda machine. They’re the problem in this country. Lather, rinse, repeat. It’s the circle of death and it screws us all!






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[font size="8"]Mayorkas Impeachment Trial

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Well that escalated quickly. I’m of course talking about the ongoing shit show that is the MAGA impeachment trial of DHS director Alejandro Mayorkas, and it’s becoming every bit the clusterfuck that we all knew it would be. And guess who they put in charge of the trial? Well it’s two of the dumbest members of the MAGA Qongress and you don’t have to remind me that there’s a lot of competition for that title! First up is our old buddy Marjorie Shit For Brains, and behind door #2 is another MAGA Q nutjob – Clay Higgins! No seriously, this is like giving the alcoholic the keys to the liquor cabinet and to your car so they can make a beer run! But really this is the best Congress has. And they want to run the White House? I wouldn’t trust these idiots to run a Waffle House! But really, we can expect things to get worse before they get better. And yes I know, with these idiots in charge, things are worse than they’ve ever been. Hopefully not for much longer!





Holy shit, the MAGAs just can’t help but be as vile and awful as possible! And putting these idiots in charge, you know things aren’t going to end well. There is some good news – while the petulant whiny toddlers in the MAGA Qongress fight each other over partisan bullshit, the adults in charge of the Senate will most likely kill the bill. But of course, just like their ongoing 15,000,000 investigations into Hunter Biden, would it be too much for them to just admit that they got nothing and this is all a sham to please their talk show hosts of choice? Who am I kidding? Of course it would!





Yeah someone’s probably getting fired over this. But the people who should be getting fired definitely aren’t the ones that absolutely should lose their jobs. This is what happens when you watch too much Fox News and let that shit go to your head. Seriously all these idiots do is fight with each other, then they retreat to their talk show hidey holes on Fox News or wherever it is that right wingers get their shitty news from these days to complain about how hard it is to actually do their jobs. You know you didn’t have to get elected, MAGAs. You were brainwashed by that stupid news network you guys are glued to 24 hours a day! But now they’ve gone full circle, from “we intend to impeach Mayorkas” to… ??we’ve got nothing, so fuck it.”





Why yes, saying you’re “pre-fired” is probably a better way of putting it. You could tell the MAGA Q nuts and Fox News to shut the fuck up, but that would require them to actually, you know, shut the fuck up, and we all know they’re completely incapable of that. Which is why we always laugh when we see these losers call themselves the “silent majority”. Pro tip: You can’t be the silent majority when you’re the loudest and dumbest assholes in the room! Well we’ll keep an eye on this to see if it goes anywhere, but for now, as always, we’re calling their bluff: they got nothing.








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[font size="8"]Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Tucker Carlson
[br] [/font] [br]

Last week, rejected Fox News primetime host Tucker Carlson blew up right wing social media and his employer Elon Musk’s site X, when he announced that he was going to Russia to interview premiere Russian warlord Vladimir Putin. Well, as we all expected the interview turned out to be a colossal dud and didn’t exactly paint the Mad Man of Moscow in the light that Elon had hoped. Because like we said, you just can’t humanize an inhuman, criminally insane monster with aspirations of world domination and global genocide like Putin. But we can’t overlook the fact that Tucker Carlson, with that insane atrocity of an interview, basically defined the term “useful idiot” for the 21st century. So for this segment we’re going to talk about the aftermath of Tucker’s trip to Moscow and what the MAGAs really want for their vision of America’s future. And to quote one of my favorite podcast hosts, it ain’t good! But this might be the most certifiably insane, batshit crazy thing that was said during that week long interview and tour of Moscow. But hold your boos because it’s gonna get ugly. Apparently it’s OK for political leaders now to just straight murder their opposition. Oh yes, my friends, he went there!





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! No, that’s not how this works! That’s not how any of this works! Now here’s the thing and we pointed this out last week – for YEARS, the GOP was harassing Democratic leaders for even just daring to question the GOP’s ties to Russia. And that was *YEARS* before right wing MAGAs in Congress like Charles Grassley and Steve Scalise visited Moscow. We’re pretty sure now that it was all on Putin’s dime. Now all of a sudden not only did they act like it didn’t happen, but they’re basically waving it in our faces now. Like what the fuck?





Yeah let’s think about this here for a minute. Russian propagandists are very actively celebrating Tucker going over to Moscow to interview Putin. What’s really insane is that Tucker is essentially aiding Putin in his tyrannical quest to conquer Europe. And this is coming from the people who said that we must neve bow down to tyranny! They say that in one breath, but in the next breath, they say that America needs a ruler like Vladimir Putin. I mean which is it? Pick a lane, MAGAs! Well, I will tell you, despite what lane you choose, if you choose the more dangerous path, you do not want what’s coming. Yeah it may be fun for you to fantasize about the execution of your political opponents… and if you do, you’re a violent psychopath who should be seeking professional help, but be careful what you wish for.





Yeah and that’s probably the most understated statement ever! Holy shit indeed! Here’s the thing, MAGAs, if you want to go live in a fascist authoritarian dictatorship, go to Russia. Living in a fantasy land where military tribunals, public executions, and the possibility of martial law ARE NOT GOOD THINGS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! If you want any of these things, for the United States, again, you’re fucked in the head and should seek professional help immediately. But if you want to live in a fascist country, go to Russia. I’m sure Tucker can arrange for your trip over. He now hates the US after visiting… a supermarket. Yes, one trip to the grocery store and that’s it.






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[font size="8"]The Border Convoy
[br] [/font] [br]

So anyone remember not even two years ago, when that insane Trucker Convoy showed up unannounced at the Canadian capitol of Ottawa, and they proceeded to wreck as much havoc as possible over COVID related mask mandates and health restrictions? Yeah we get it, reopening the world after a major pandemic was a bit of a challenge, but these idiots certainly weren’t helping anything and in fact making an already terrible situation that much worse (see: Idiots #12-5 ). Well guess what happens now? We have a new right wing convoy of idiots that are proceeding to wreck as much havoc as possible. And the last few weeks, we’ve been talking about the sheer and completely unjust cruelty inflicted by Texas governor Greg Abbott against migrants coming across the border. It’s seriously, to put it in technical terms, pure fucking evil. In fact, his methods are so extreme that he had to be told NO by the Supreme Court, in a near unanimous decision, and this is the MAGA Supreme Court that Trump created, we might add. But this of course has once again ignited a feud between red states and blue states. And some of the more extremist supporters on the red side have setup a convoy in Texas in a border town that really doesn’t want them. And here’s more.





Oh come on, people! Stop your rabbling! See, here’s where I have a truly massive problem with this whole ordeal. This border hysteria is entirely, 100% the product of Fox News and it’s been amplified by the other heavily republican / MAGA news outlets out there. And the people who watch Fox News 24 hours a day, 7 days a week are unable to tell reality from conspiracy theories. While the rest of the world is watching in sheer horror at Greg Abbott’s unrelenting cruelty towards migrants, these idiots are… cheering them on! What the actual fuck? It’s insane that the GOP is the party of “Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me!”.





Oh come on, go fuck the fuck right off with that “God’s Army” bullshit. You guys are convinced that you’re the Sparta army from 300. But do any of you look like Gerard Butler? I’m going to say the answer is most likely hell no. And by the way in case you’re wondering, why yes, there is a ven diagram showing a cross section between people causing havoc at the border and people who attempted to destroy the Capitol and murder half of Congress on January 6th. The common link? I’m guessing that it’s most likely murder. Come on, FBI! There’s some ripe pickings for your ongoing investigations there!





And by the way, my friends, this border convoy isn’t going away anytime soon. In fact, they’re just getting started! But the question though, 4 weeks into this shit show, is it a bust? And in fact did it really accomplish anything? The answers are as always, no and no. Well, it did answer the question of whether or not there’s a crisis at the border. And the crisis is that there’s a bunch of idiots at the border who were brainwashed by Fox News into cosplaying soldier, which is all the fun of being a soldier without the obligation or rules and regulations of being in the United States Army. But could this escalate? Right now all signs are pointing to: probably. Strap in, because the shit show is going to get that much worse!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

OK look, before we go any further, I don’t want to hear “But Initech!! You said that you were going to ban coverage of Trump’s stupid rallies because they all say the same stupid thing a million times to the same idiots who follow him around!”. To which I say, calm the fuck down and chill the fuck out. We’re making an exception for this one. I’m sure you saw your social media feed of choice blow up last Saturday with news that Trump was going to SneakerCon in Philadelphia. To which we say 1) there’s a SneakerCon? And 2) what the hell was he doing there? *Checks notes* Oh he was hawking more of his shitty merchandise, wasn’t he? That’s why we are doing this entry, folks! Just when we couldn’t get over laughing at his ridiculous line of NFTs, he comes back with some stupid cheap-looking gold high top sneakers with a cheap looking spray painted American flag and a gold T on them. Guess how much they cost? Any takers? Yes, they cost $400!!! We cannot make this shit up, folks! Our 45th president, Donald J. Trump, is literally a real life Krusty The Klown. He just can’t help but hawk cheesy merchandise and he knows his idiot fan base will buy it!



https://i.chzbgr.com/full/11360261/hA1C7658F/

OK… this might be the most ridiculous merchandise he’s hawked yet. And look, MAGAs, we’re not laughing with you. We’re laughing *AT* you. Let’s think about this here for a minute. Remember the old Will Smith comedy series The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air? It’s about a street tough basketball player who gets in with the wrong crowd and is forced to move to be with his wealthy uncle in Beverly Hills. Trump is literally the opposite of that. He’s the wealthy guy who is going to hawk his ridiculous sneakers to Philadelphia sneaker collectors. So let’s call this “The Not So Fresh Prince Of Bel Air”. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! See, that investment in our new server paid off, folks! But you know who isn’t having any of this? Actual sneaker heads. In fact it’s music to my ears. Can we roll that clip?



Oh man that was sweet! Roll it again! And of course you know that they’re going to sell out. I don’t want to hear from his idiot base about “Bidenflation” if they can afford these ugly things.





Sure he’s wanted to do this for a long time. Come on, even the convention organizers had no idea what the fuck was going on when he invited himself. And look of course they’re going to sell out, because his idiots apparently have lots of cash to blow on his cheesy merchandise. But you know the one thing that the media *NEVER* reports on when they do these kinds of stories? Who the fuck is actually *BUYING* this shit! I mean have you ever met someone who owns a Trump tote bag? Or those stupid NFTs that he’s been hawking? Us neither! We do know one buyer actually paid $9,000 at an auction for an autographed pair. Yeah really what the actual fuck?





Yeah that’s what we in the business call “a burn”. So by the way, in case you’re wondering, why yes, someone could actually sue Trump over this atrocity. Which would make yet another lawsuit to add to the ever-growing pile. In fact there’s speculation that Trump did this so he could pay part of his ever-growing legal bills. So if you do the math, that’s 1,000 pairs of sneakers at $399. So that’s $400,000 – not even 1/10th of 1% of the $355 million that he owes. Did he even break even? Who knows. But since we know who’s buying these ridiculous sneakers, we also know who’s *NOT* buying them. And that’s anyone who actually knows anything about sneakers. Trump basically did this to get his name in the news and that’s about it.






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know, if you’ve been following our fine program for the last year and half, you know the imminent danger that our great country, the United States Of America is currently facing. I can attest that our sentiments about the rising tide of religious fascism not only in the USA and around the world are very well known. However, there is one thing that I can tell you. I am just… *checks notes* one man. I don’t have the media reach that a lot of more successful and well-funded programs do. In order to bring down the most EVIL among us, we need some reach. Someone who has an audience. Well, that someone has arrived. That someone is Rob Reiner. You may know him as one of the creative voices behind the legendary comedy This Is Spinal Tap. Well he’s got a new movie coming out called God + Country that aims to expose the rising merger of American Christianity with white supremacist politics in the way that Jesus Camp exposed them nearly 20 years ago! These of course are supporters of the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man who is so foul, so depraved and disgusting, that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! Well here’s what we can expect from this new movie!





So now that you know about this movie, you need to know who’s in it, and what their role is in helping flip America to the side of fascism. A lot of our regular participants are in this, like Greg Locke, Jack Hibbs, Charlie Kirk, Rick Wiles, Lance Wallnau, and Kenneth Copeland. You might remember him as the super creepy televangelist who attempted to “blow away” COVID and asked his congregation for $56 million to buy a new private jet, because his current private jet wasn’t adequate enough! Yes, these are the scumbags we are dealing with here!





Well, you really got to wonder what kind of fucked up god these psychopaths are worshipping. You know, the prime evil known as Adolf Hitler, had his Nazi roots develop from fundamentalist extremist Christianity. And we all know how that movie ended! We cannot under any circumstances allow the unholy Dark One, and his sinful minions, to ascend to the highest ranks of power! My fair congregation, we are literally in a battle for good vs EVIL! And right now, the EVIL known as Christian nationalism is becoming self-aware, and that’s an extremely scary thought!





Wait, they actually want to go there and unleash a civil war? Do they not know how terribly that ended for them the first time? We’re not in a civil war right now. Instead we’re in what may be the world’s longest running circular firing squad. But it’s insane to me what the right wing wants for the future of America and none of it is good! And after all of the talk that we’ve had over the last year and a half about the rise of Christian nationalism in the United States, we can’t help but wonder what its’ natural conclusion is going to be. But we’re glad that Rob Reiner is exposing these scumbags!





I always love when people rattle off random Bible verses and have no idea what their actual context or meaning is! My fair congregation, your homework is to go see this movie God + Country and write a 3 page report on it. Just kidding, you don’t have to do the report if you don’t want to! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]People Who Somehow Got Elected: Ronny Jackson
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Politicians at the state and local levels who are so toxic, you wonder how they’re able to get away with the things they get away with. This is:



This week: Texas’ drug dealing doctor to the Trump administration, Ronny Jackson (Q – Batshit). Yes, you might remember him as being the “doctor” that administered the famous Trump Person Woman Man Camera TV cognitive exam seen around the world (see: Idiots #9-6 ). But of course in the MAGA world it’s all about failing upward. So in case you’re wondering how anyone gets elected in the GOP, the answer is simple. Go on Fox News and repent your sins 40 times a day while kissing the dear leader’s ring enough, and you can be elected to any position you please. Which is also why we can’t get rid of a lot of these clowns no matter how hard we try. Rep. Jackson is just another in a long list of these MAGA clowns who have been infecting Congress and other levels of government. But the Department Of Defense recently issued a major report criticizing the Trump “doctor”. And the drug distribution was was rampant and widespread when he was in charge.





In fact, Jackson’s drug distribution during the Trump administration was so rampant and widespread that he earned the nickname “The Candyman”. He also earned the nickname “Dr. Feelgood” after the Motley Crue song. And of course this is one of those things where the more you dive down the rabbit hole, the weirder it gets. Ronny Jackson did more damage to the White House medical departments than the headlines would have you believe. In fact he makes your favorite TV doctors like Dr. Nick and Dr. Spaceman seem like normal by comparison.





OK this might be our favorite part of this whole thing. Remember 4 years ago during the pandemic when he administered that crazy cognitive test to Trump that we spent the next year and a half mocking him relentlessly for? Well it turns out that some doctors don’t like being compared to Dr. Nick Riviera, the infamous quack doctor from the Simpsons who has become the face of the terrible, Z grade doctors around the country and even the world. And come on, does he have us figured out or something, we mean because we do sit around and spend a lot of time watching The Simpsons. In fact we have 8 years of programs dating back to 2015 that prove this!





In fact, that may be the one thing Dr. Jackson may actually be correct on. But one thing we will point out – if you’re trying to point out to the world that you’re not an insane lunatic, the last place you should be doing that is on the Laura Ingraham show! And here’s another thing that you shouldn’t do when you’re trying to prove to the world that you’re not insane – don’t go peddling conspiracy theories that you hear on the dark corners of the internet. Yes, you’re the doctor who administered Trump’s famous cognitive test heard around the world. But you can’t do that and then go accuse the current president of having a poor memory. It doesn’t work that way, Ronny!





That’s Texas’ drug dealing, test rigging, conspiracy theory peddling doctor and MAGA Q Congressman Ronny Jackson, just another one of the toxic politicians to add to the ever-growing list of:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
[br] [/font] [br]



Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! This week, the MAGA world was abuzz with an absolutely bizarre new conspiracy that premiere Russian warlord Vladimir Putin could launch space nukes. And of course, it got picked up and went viral and people went absolutely batshit crazy over it. Well to find out exactly where it happened, we must first go back to last year, when the 6th branch of the US military – something we still can’t believe is a thing – Space Force, told us that we will soon begin facing threats that did not originate from earth. But here’s the thing – nowhere did they mention that it was aliens that were the threat to the United States. You don’t know, man! You don’t know!





I mean come on, is anyone here questioning the existence of aliens? Anyone at all? No? OK moving on, so that’s what happened last year and we can’t believe that we missed this one. And the people responsible for this have been appropriately sacked. And of course, the usual group of idiots were the ones who were the most vocal about this ridiculous conspiracy unfolding. And for a group that claims to love Vladimir Putin and his brand of far right fascism as they do, it unleashed a rather bizarre chain of phone calls to figure out what the fuck is going on. The guy who we inexplicably call Speaker Of The House certainly didn’t help things.





Ah see, herein lies the problem with social media misinformation – it makes crazy people even crazier, and stupid people even stupider! Put them together and you’ve got one great big melting pot of pure, unfiltered insanity! But, my fair audience, we always love when crazy people get taken down a few pegs, because then they retreat to their social media and Fox News hidey holes, where they complain that liberals are big meanie heads and well, lather, rinse, repeat. It’s the circle of shit and it screws us all! I mean you can’t get much crazier than thinking that everyone’s out to attack you, even some science fiction mumbo jumbo.





Well, to be fair, we don’t either! I guess the name of the game now is make the most ridiculous conspiracy theory, get it out in the open, and have idiots on social media argue about whether or not it’s true until it gets fact checked by Snopes! And even then there will still be some loser like “Hey Snopes isn’t correct!”. Sigh. One thing we can tell you though, is that the increasingly paranoid among us will continue to make excuses, and it’s always the government’s fault. Or it didn’t happen. Or it was a false flag. Or some other bullshit. All we have to say is break out the tin foil hats, grab some popcorn and a favorite beverage of your choice, sit back, and watch the insanity!





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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb! And I always want to start by saying exactly what makes a People Are Dumb story. So someone just robbing a McDonalds does not make a People Are Dumb story. Now someone who steals the supply truck and goes on a joy ride because they got really high and wanted all you can eat chicken nuggets? Now that’s a People Are Dumb story! And also we do want to point out that not every People Are Dumb story is a stupid criminal story, but we do love a good stupid criminal story! Let’s start with this story out of New Jersey, and you know that the writers of this story had to have been cracking themselves up with pizza puns. Because when you vandalize a house with TP, that’s one thing. When you vandalize a house with pepperoni and salami, that’s another story altogether. And hey I bet they had a meat up, later! Ha, see what I did there? We can make puns too!





Next up – there’s a lot of nudity in the news. We have to talk about this story out of Leeds, Alabama where a guy rammed his car through the window of a Bass Pro Shop, then proceeded to strip naked and jump in the store’s giant aquarium. There were multiple accounts of what exactly happened on social media, particularly that he was spouting insane things about trans people and racial conspiracy theories that are floating about. But nevertheless, this kind of story is precisely the thing for People Are Dumb because you really can’t make this stuff up!





Of course, you know it’s not a People Are Dumb segment unless we do our mandatory check in with America’s most penis-shaped state. You of course know which one I’m talking about. Florida. The Sunshine State. And we always talk about Florida on this program because they *NEVER* stop bringing the crazy. Like it never fails. Let’s start with this story coming out of Volusia County, and I have no idea where that is, but this guy drove his car straight into the ocean. And then I love the excuse that he gave the arresting officers. This is seriously classic Florida Man here.





Next up – here’s another classic Florida Man story. If you saw the headline “Florida Man calls 911 in the middle of his arrest to report on the police officers”, you’d click on that story, right? I know for a fact that I would! Well anyway, this is one of those stories that there’s definitely more to than meets the eye, but it also makes us wonder what exactly they put in the water in the Sunshine State. So yeah you can chalk this one up to another classic case of Florida Man stupidity and also insanity.





Finally this week – we don’t normally feature stupid lawmakers on People Are Dumb, but we have to talk about this one! And of course it has to come from the Sunshine State! So does anyone remember that movie last year that was popular for a minute called Cocaine Bear? If you haven’t heard about it, it’s a dark horror comedy based on a true story about a bear that eats a package of cocaine and then goes on a rampage against the people who are trying to retrieve the package of cocaine. Well one lawmaker in Florida took this just a bit too literally. And this is why you don’t vote for crazy people – because you eventually be unable to tell movies from reality! Like this guy!





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Road To The Primaries Pt 3: The End
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Welcome back to our segment that is attempting to put all of the election information you need in one handy place! Now look we’re not officially endorsing any candidates for the election outside of Joe Biden and any democratic senators and reps because I am just… *checks notes* 1 guy. In order to do that, you need people with reach. But look we want to level with you. The election is 9 months away, and the end of the primaries, known as Super Tuesday, is only 2 short weeks away. So what am I getting at, you might ask? That we’ve got to get our shit together! There’s the very real possibility that the United States is teetering on the brink of being taken over by a completely psychotic, murderous religious fascist cabal, led by Agent Orange Asshole himself, with the help of Fox News and Newsmax, and people are still asking the question of whether or not Biden is too old to run! Stop it already!!! Is Biden too old to run? Probably. Should you still vote for him because otherwise with that other guy, he’ll sink the United States into an authoritarian religious dictatorship that will take years to recover from (if ever) and possibly facilitate the US’ break up? Most definitely!





Yeah seriously, it’s time to stop this shit! Should you be worried about Bidens’ age? Well I’m not going to answer that because it’s definitely ageist. But again, don’t let that deter you from voting for the other guy, not voting at all, or voting – dare I say – 3rd party. Because any vote other than a vote for D – Joe Biden on your ballot is a vote for Trump. And we’ve got way too much to lose in this election should that other guy worm his way into the White House again. But look at it this way too – both Biden and Trump are over 75 years old. But if we stop Trump and Fox News from taking over the White House in 2024, we can stop them for good!





Yeah that is a good question! What is wrong with you? The age gap between the two men is literally 3 years! Let that sink in! But why does Biden get hammered for this fact and Trump gets a free pass? So the difference is: the republicans have 3 24 hour a day news networks and they can say literally whatever they want to the idiots that watch and pay for this crap! So you might be asking – how do you choose between these two? Here’s the answer: don’t vote for the guy who has repeatedly said that he wants to be a dictator – and we’re quoting – “on day one”! Or the guy who sucks up to dictators like Putin and Xi. Never, ever vote for that guy!





So yes, we could potentially be entering uncharted territory in this election. Both men are over 75 and the United States is teetering on the edge of becoming a religious fascist dictatorship. So what can be done to stop it, you might ask? Again, we say as the 2024 Super Tuesday is just a mere two weeks away – the solution is VOTING! And vote at every single level for the democratic candidate, no matter what the position is! It’s time to get the adults back in charge of the House. And it’s time to get Fox News out of our government once and for all! So with that, we will show you this – that the age of both candidates is a concern for a growing number of people. But don’t let that stop you from doing the right thing, and don’t let the propaganda stop you!





[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

There is no next week! When we come back in July, it’s time for the ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE! And we’ll probably be using the same graphics! Until then…





[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Black Pumas[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen my next guest has a great new album called “Chronicles Of A Diamond”, you can see them live through April 30th, including a stop in Inglewood performing for Mavis Staples’ 85th birthday party. Playing their song “Angel”, give it up for Black Pumas!




Thank you Albuquerque! This was fun! We’re off to New York City next week for Stupidest State Selection Sunday! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Black Pumas Appear Courtesy Of: ATO Recordings
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Hyenas Comedy Club, Albuquerque, New Mexico
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

February 15, 2024

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #16-2: Mr. Tucker Goes To Moscow Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #16-2: Mr. Tucker Goes To Moscow Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yoooooooooooooooooooooo!!! What’s up, Aspen, how you guys doing? Whew, we made it! We are here! First off, I want to say congratulations to the Kansas City Chiefs on winning their second Super Bowl in a row, and Taylor Swift for winning her first Super Bowl ever! I didn’t even know she was playing! So you might be asking yourself, what the fuck happened the last two weeks? Well, good sir or madam, I will explain. We had been planning a full upgrade of the Top 10 home server for some time now. Unfortunately all the parts we purchased arrived a bit later than we had planned. And the rebuild took way longer than we had originally anticipated. What started as a 1 hour project turned into a 4 hour project, and then into a 4 day project which meant that something got fucked up that we hadn’t anticipated. And of course there were hiccups which required us to take the whole thing to the good folks at nearby Micro Center, which they fixed it good for us. And then on top of that, we had some hiccups with the operating system which required us to purchase a new license, and let’s just say that everything that could go wrong with this operation has, but we’re back now and ready to hit the ground running! And yes this also prevented us from bringing you episode 6 of Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons, and we do assure you, my friends, that is coming! We just don’t know when. OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first the Daily Show is back and Jordan Klepper attempts to solve the border crisis:



So where do we begin this week? In the number one slot this week is the GOP (1) and their continuing onslaught of the southern border with Mexico, and don’t think that this feud isn’t going away any time soon. And the idiots at the border convoy are really proving to be quite the caliber of person that Trump is attracting. In the second slot is Tucker Carlson (2). So the former Fox News and current Twitter / X anchor is going to Moscow to interview Vladimir Putin, because I guess the GOP is now cutting out the middle man and getting their marching orders directly from the Moscow Mad Man himself! In the third slot this week is the MAGA House. So that current shit show that is going on at the Capitol that we used to call the House Of Representatives and currently refer to as a MAGA clown show, is proving that the current GOP implosion that we’re witnessing is nothing short of spectacular. Who needs butter because I’m going to have some fun watching heads literally explode! In the number 4 slot this week is Gina Carano (4). Yes, you know the former “star” (?) of Deadpool that sued Disney because of the insane things she said on social media is back, and you know the age old MAGA adage – if you can’t beat ‘em, sue ‘em! Where’s Saul when you need him? In the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week now that the dust has settled from the Big Game, we’re going to talk about Hobby Lobby’s attempt to proselytize during the commercials with their controversial “He Gets Us” series of advertisements. Yeah no he doesn’t. Speaking of not getting things, in the number 7 slot this week, we’ve got a new Beating A Dead Horse (7) and in light of the tragic passing of country music legend Toby Keith, we thought we’d revisit the man who was single handedly responsible for polarizing and politicizing the genre, and his on again off again feud with the Dixie Chicks. Yeah remember the good ol’ days of conservative idiocy? Tetridge Farm remembers! In the number 8 slot this week is of course our weekly venture into the never ending world of online tin foil hat nuttery with Conspiracy Corner (8) and this week – was the Super Bowl rigged? Even before it started, there were TONS of theories out there suggesting that the Super Bowl was fixed based on the color of the logo, and it’s every bit as weird as you might imagine! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week, we have a new edition of “I Need A Drink” (9) and why are we not in the least bit surprised that Curb Your Enthusiasm star Larry David’s on air altercation with Elmo on “The View” was something we’d absolutely predicted that he would do? And it’s totally on brand for him! Finally this week it’s time for part 2 of our 4 part series Road To The Primaries! And this week with Trump off of the ballot in Nevada, it seems like nobody really gives a shit about the challengers! I’m of course talking about how Nikki Haley basically got laughed out of the ballot box. And to cap things off, we have live music from the legendary Swedish punk group The Hives joining us! Buy their new album “The Death Of Randy Fitzsimmons” or you are no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]MAGA Border Insanity
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In case you haven’t guessed, Texas governor Greg Abbott is a frequent contributor to this program and much of it has to do with the ongoing insanity at the United States – Mexico border. And I think it’s safe to say that our opinion on Gov. Abbott is very well known. He’s an evil, condescending, inhuman, murderous psychopathic monster who should be answering to the Hague and doing jail time for his crimes at the border. And of course we can’t blame the problem without blaming the source of the problem – Fox News. They’re constantly egging on and enabling this shit show every night. But we’re not surprised that the “you can’t tell us what to do, liberals!!!” party is siding with Abbott and his inhuman death traps along the Rio Grande river. But we never thought that we’d see this particular feud unfolding the way that it is. In fact it’s beginning to look a lot like what we think the predicted electoral outcome of the election could look like. Our country is that divided. Should Texas be murdering migrants at the border and shipping them off to other states? HELL NO!





Yeah that’s a good question – what is wrong with these people? It’s as if the United States has completely lost any shred of humanity and decency that it once had. We went from “give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses” to “fuck off and die, illegals!”. And once again, our favorite network is most of the root cause of this! And here’s where it gets weird, because you knew that it was going to, and that’s par for the course with these psychopaths. Conservatives have absolutely no fucking clue what they’re doing at the border and the MAGA clowns in Washington are even thinking they’re too insane. That’s what we’re dealing with.





Yeah that’s pretty much what Greg Abbott is like right now. He’s out for absolute power and he’ll stomp over everyone and everything to get it. The people who are that addicted to power are the very people who shouldn’t have it. In case you’re wondering, why yes, there is a campaign to get Texas to secede from the United States. But you’re not going to like where it’s coming from. And in case you haven’t guessed already – it’s coming from Russia. And it’s the same clowns who attempted a California exit a few years ago. So yeah if you want to leave, Texas, we won’t stop you. And we can add DC as a state and we won’t have to change flags. But we’ll save that for another topic.





Oh go eat the most massive, steamiest bag of rancid dog shit, Medvedev, you murderous psychopathic monster. I’d say what I feel should happen to these psychopaths, but my words are so profound and disgusting that the decorum prohibits me from listing them here. But the Fox News sponsored showdown at the Mexican border isn’t ending anytime soon. Oh no, my friends, it’s just getting started and it’s going to get really ugly really quicky. And this is why we say elections matter. Vote all of these clowns out of office now! Otherwise, Fox News may decide to do it for you. It’s not a game of Risk at this point, it’s more like a deadly game of Red Rover.






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[font size="8"]Tucker Carlson
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I think the Top 10 Conservative Idiots opinion on Vladimir Putin is perfectly clear. We think that he’s an inhuman, disgustingly evil monster who must be destroyed and his minions eradicated from this planet that we live on. He’s a threat to the security and stability of not just the United States, but the entire world at large. But that didn’t stop fired Fox News employee and current Twitter / X commentator and social media troll Tucker Carlson from going to Moscow and interviewing the king troll himself. You can’t humanize an inhuman monster like Putin. That didn’t stop internet conspiracy theorists and TwiXter’s biggest trolls from positively orgasming over this interview. Did it accomplish anything? All it did was draw even more attention to the GOP and MAGA’s ties to Putin and his evil regime. And Putin came off looking like a rambling maniac in the process. Which is pretty much what we’d expect from a guy who’s attempted to recreate Mother Russia. Well let’s get into this interview and for the sake of this piece, why don’t we call it… “Mr. Tucker Goes To Moscow”. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! That’s another great one. Well here’s more.





Oh fuck right the fuck off! We’re not “ill informed”. We know damn well of Putin’s evil intentions to conquer Europe and the damn US media is just sitting back and letting it happen. Hell Fox News is practically salivating at the thought, they’re egging on our Congress people every night to do nothing about what’s happening in Ukraine. And Putin can go fuck himself. And I’m not even going to point out the irony yet. But what is happening is that the most flag waving “patriotic” Americans are now revealing their true colors, and their true colors are red and yellow.





Does anyone see the irony here? Anyone at all? For the entirety of the Trump administration, the MAGA republicans were like “Don’t you fucking dare question our ties to Vladimir Putin!!!”. Now they literally make frequent trips to Moscow and they’re like “Putin’s not such a bad guy after all!”. It’s truly beyond hope right now. At least it feels that way. But who really came off looking like a colossal idiot was Tucker Carlson. And Putin came off looking like the psychopath that we all know he is. This was supposed to be some kind of anti-liberal ownage? Come on, guys. You can do better than that. Or maybe you can’t, maybe this is the best we’re going to get.





And by the way in case you’re wondering, yes, we did find this footage of what Tucker thinks of Putin and it’s not flattering. But you probably knew that already. But the entire thing turned out to be basically just a two hour history lesson of Russia and that’s about it. By the way MAGA conservatives, if you love Putin so much and you’re embarrassed to live in the US, then why don’t you go move to Moscow then? I hear that Vlad is looking for recruits for his volunteer army. But anyway there wasn’t really much accomplished with this interview, other than that the MAGA / Murdoch cult doesn’t want anyone to fuck with them.






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[font size="8"]MAGAs Vs Mayorkas
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Well, we totally called that this is the worst House in United States history. It’s the House that’s brought to you by Fox News, the Heritage Foundation, your local megachurch, and your local batshit crazy AM talk radio host. It’s definitely the reason why we can’t have nice things right now. In case you can’t tell, we have absolutely zero respect for the MAGA lunatics who are currently infecting the House Of Representatives. But this is one of those things that whether or not this is a victory varies greatly depending on who you talk to, and what your talk shows of choice are. If you watched Sean Hannity, he was probably laughing at you. If you’re watching the Daily Show, then of course you know that this was an absolute embarrassment. I mean come on, this is the first time a cabinet member has been fired since the end of the Civil War. And this is including that former administration. How fucking embarrassing is this? And once again – we blame Fox News, the reason why we can’t have nice things, for this massive shit show that we’re currently experiencing. But before we get into this, let’s play a game of “how it started / how’s it going”. Because this isn’t enough to even begin to simplify how batshit crazy this current House is.





OK… OK… you want to play that game? Let’s extrapolate this here for a minute. And we’re calling your bluff now, MAGAs. You don’t care about the border at all. Not unless it involves the senseless murder of innocent migrants who are attempting to cross the border. That’s what it’s coming to. Don’t worry, we didn’t have time to cover the insane border convoy that’s happening in Texas right now, but we will definitely get to that next week! Anyway if you’re wondering how things are going now since those articles were introduced, well, it’s going about as well as we expect. And we certainly hope Alex Jones and Sean Hannity sleep well at night. Ew… I feel so dirty saying that.





Yeah fuck right the fuck off, assholes! OK and here’s where it gets weird and you knew that it was going to. Because that’s the kind of world that Trump and the MAGAs have created. They totally lowered the bar for what constitutes an impeachment. And we all know that this will absolutely fail in the Senate, thank god. So why did they do this? Well it’s what their talk show host bosses want. Yes, the United States government is currently being held hostage by a deranged talk show host and a psychopathic internet conspiracy theorist. The bar is so low at this point that it’s currently hovering somewhere slightly above the bottom of the Marianus Trench. Where’s James Cameron, explorer of the sea, when you need him?





Yeah so the bar very badly needs to be raised right now! This whole insanity surrounding the US – Mexican border has got to stop. Republicans don’t know what they want, because they’re being fed a constant, never ending stream of hate, lies, and misinformation 24 hours a day. Turn that shit off, it’s bad for you! Even though this is currently not the American people’s House, it is the House by and for Fox News viewers, it’s good to know that at least we have some cooler heads at the top right now because imagine what would happen if the other guy were in charge. Yeah we can’t even think about that right now, because it’s too disgusting.






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[font size="8"]Gina Carano
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There’s one thing that absolutely sucks about living in the social media world. And that is that terrible people *NEVER* go away. No matter how many times you tell them they’re terrible. It just makes them that worse of a troll. In fact you could say that they’re terrible like 1,000 times straight to their face, and they’ll respond with some bullshit like “People don’t hate me because I’m terrible! They hate me because I’m a wife, Christian, mother, hunter, and I love Jesus and America!”. The other thing is that it makes crazy people even crazier. This entry is a perfect example of both statements. Gina Carano, you know her as the “star” (?) of Deadpool and Star Wars: The Mandalorian. She was fired because of some statements she made on social media that one might find controversial. Oh that’s right – she compared vaccine mandates to the holocaust. That’s right – the same thing that got our good buddy Robert F. Kennedy Jr in trouble. Although this is a different one because you gotta wonder – why the fuck is Elon Musk footing the bill for this bullshit? Well the king Twitter / X troll obviously has a say about people who shoot their mouth off on social media. So if this lawsuit does go anywhere, it’s probably one of those things that’s sending a “do not fuck with us” kind of message. And if so, that’s an absolutely terrible message to send. Here’s more.





Here’s the thing – YOUR POLITICAL VIEWS ARE TERRIBLE!!! No one wants to see racist Fox News bullshit polluting their feeds. And if you do, well, seek help. You think maybe comparing vaccine mandates to the holocaust was a terrible idea? Duh! And you know who gets to keep their jobs? People who don’t compare vaccine mandates to the holocaust. Look, 2020 was a very fucked up year. We all know it, we lived through it. We have 40 editions of Top 10 Idiots lists to tell you about it. Since taking over Twitter and now calling it X, we know it’s a place for far right trolls to congregate and thrive, but we had no idea it was also a legal arm for the alt right now.





Oh come on, that’s all bullshit and you know it. You’re not being “hunted down”. Fuck off with that victimization crap. You’re saying terrible things and you think you can get away with it, but you’re not going to. You’ll get blocked and reported like everyone else. Like we keep saying, nobody wants to hear your hateful bullshit on social media. Which is part of the reason why we left Twitter / X in the first place since Elon took over. So you might be asking – why is the richest guy in the world, Elon Musk, the CEO for Tesla, Space X, Starlink, and Twitter / X helping her out? What does he expect to gain from this? Well one, he’s framing it as a “free speech” issue (it isn’t) and he wants to be able to have people be as trolling as they want to be. Sigh, why we can’t have nice things!





Now you might be asking what Disney actually thinks of this bogus lawsuit? And the answer comes straight from the head cheese himself – Bob Iger, and the answer is definitely not what we were expecting. And really how do you frame this? Well apparently Gina went in for some “sensitivity training” and declined to do so, which is part of the reason why she got fired in the first place, and well that’s on her. But enough of this “I’m the victim” bullshit that’s the reason for this lawsuit existing in the first place. If you’re a terrible person, that’s on you. And no amount of social media trolling you can do will fix the problem. It will just make things worse.






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[font size="8"]Late Stage Capitalism: In N Out Closes
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“Greed, for lack of a better word, is good.” – Gordon Gekko

When mega corporations have nowhere to go but excessive profits and are trying to squeeze out your every last dollar, there’s extreme greed, and then there’s:



This week we’re going to talk about a product of Late Stage Capitalism – In N Out. Yes, the internationally renowned burger chain that started in Buena Park, California 75 years ago, has never closed a location. This week it’s closing its’ first ever location because of problems created by – you guessed it – late stage capitalism. But we’re from California, In N Out is a part of our diet and a part of our cultural stew. It’s been made famous in tons of movies, music, and TV shows, but most people probably know it from a little film called The Big Lebowski.



But it’s terrible what is happening in cities like Oakland where the rents are skyrocketing to the point where no one can afford to live there, and the homeless population keeps rising. But this is also one of those instances where one thing ruins it for the rest of us. We totally get wanting to keep your customers and employees safe, which is more than can be said for a lot of employers out there.





Now here’s what the bummer is about this – that was Oakland’s only In-N-Out location. And it’s near the airport and was open late, and like the one near LAX, is a perfect stop for those after-flight munchies and it’s also cheap. This is yet another one of those instances where we can’t have nice things because of the people that we elect. But In-N-Out wasn’t the only restaurant near Oakland Airport to close, Denny’s also closed for the exact same reasons. But what’s concerning residents and travelers alike – do they have any evidence for this? Probably and also probably not.





Yes it’s a crime wave. And since the year 2020 – the year everything went to shit because of the COVID pandemic, it seems like things have been getting progressively worse since then. We know that Fox News loves to blame “democrat run cities” as is their mantra, but we all know that the answer is a lot more complex than that. So what do the actual residents of the area where this In N Out is serving think of this decision? Well as you can imagine they’re not happy. Especially when out of all the locations you could pick, that’s the one you choose.





This now begs the question – will anyone want to do business in downtown Oakland in the area near Oakland Airport? Well until things start improving in the crime department, nobody can really tell for sure what’s going to happen. And one thing that won’t solve the problem is more police. What needs to happen is that the police need to be able to do their jobs efficiently. And one thing is for absolute certain is that when you get off that plane in Oakland, you need to be able to get to your hotel or your car safely and they’re taking steps to make sure that happens. One day, we’ll have nice things again.






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: He Gets Us at the Super Bowl
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! So of course you know that the Big Game is now officially over for another year. How did you watch it? Did you enjoy it with family and friends? Did you go to a paryt to watch it? Or maybe a bar? Maybe you actually went to Sin City to watch it in person! Well if you’re the type to watch the advertisements throughout the game, you might be familiar with a series of advertisements called “He Gets Us”, brought to you by our good friends at Hobby Lobby. We have previously covered these advertisements before (see: Idiots #14-6 ). But this time, the Christian nationalists at the helm of everyone’s favorite knick knack store Hobby Lobby, are taking this thing to one of the biggest stages around. Well as we all know, the people behind this ridiculous ad campaign don’t represent GAWD or JAYSUS! No, they represent the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved, so disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! Well… the ads got mixed reviews.





Now look, you can have all of these cutesy slogans about how Jesus was a cool, hip guy but there’s no denying why so many people – particularly young people – are quitting religion. It’s because churches don’t practice what they preach. In fact, many of the largest churches in the country are really just organized hate groups and fronts for republican based political organizations. And people aren’t really standing for that anymore. The people who support the unholy Dark One are desperate to hang onto whatever power they still have, so they’re resorting to things like this. Now that it’s over with, my fair congregation, it’s important to note that we see through their white nationalist bullshit.





Actually I think that might be more effective advertising than the He Gets Us ads are! Yes, my sinners, repent! Repent like you have never repented before!!! JAYSUS commands you! But you know what they could have done with that money besides buy those ridiculous advertisements? Well there’s a hell of a lot they could have done. Let’s extrapolate this for a minute. The ad agency responsible for these atrocities spent $100 MILLION on them. Think about what that kind of money could buy and what it could do for people who you, know, actually need it. But nope, the CEO of Hobby Lobby is on a mission to turn America into a corporate religious fascist plutocracy. Which nobody really asked for, and we certainly don’t want it!





Yeah if there’s anything JAYSUS doesn’t need, it’s a baseless $100 million dollar marketing campaign to teach people false equivalencies! And sorry Hobby Lobby, but we’re not buying into your attempts to convert America to a religious authoritarian state. And we also know what your dark, twisted, sinister agenda really is! It is one that supports SAYTAN and the unholy, ungodly Dark One! But here’s the thing – if you ask real Christian conservatives what they think of these advertising abominations, then you know they have the same opinion that we do! Which is that it’s a big, steaming load of grade A bullshit designed to sell a political agenda!





So $100 million for a foot fetish commercial is $100 million that was very foolishly spent, my fair congregation! And you know what our good book says about those who squander! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Toby Keith Vs Dixie Chicks
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I’m not gonna lie to you guys, country music just isn’t my thing. It’s probably because I live in the heavy metal capitol of the world, Los Angeles. That’s right – we gave the world Metallica, Megadeth, Van Halen, Guns N Roses, Motley Crue, Avenged Sevenfold, Queens Of The Stone Age, Rage Against The Machine… the list goes on and on. But after seeing the very tragic death of country music legend Toby Keith last week, we were wondering how best to pay tribute to the man who’s single-handedly responsible for polarizing and politicizing the genre. Yeah remember the good old days of conservative idiocy when the worst thing we have to worry about was that song about putting a boot up someone’s ass? Yeah these days they’re going full Nazi. And this is neither here nor there. But what is here is that the internet did something that we don’t really want to do on this program and that’s open up old wounds. Let that shit be in the past. But since they did, we got to talk about it. In fact let’s let history explain itself a bit.





Yeah so if you’re one of those people who didn’t exactly become a fan of country music 20 years ago, blame the guy who is almost single handedly responsible for polarizing it. And of course that’s what happens when you become a Fox News cause celeb. Like Roseanne or James Woods. Because the right wing always attracts that level of celebrity to their cause. So here’s the thing with Toby Keith’s death – should we be mourning or ignoring because of his very questionable politics? Well we have a long standing policy on this program that we don’t reopen old wounds – let the past be the past. But since social media did it first, we have to talk about it. So here’s what happened.





Now you might say that 9/11 was the rift in the space time continuum that tore this country a new asshole and made republicans go off the rails batshit crazy. But their madness goes even further than that. So the question of who started the feud – Toby Keith or Natalie Maines – varies greatly depending on who you talk to and what talk shows you watch. And again we’re saying that this is exactly what happens when you decide to become a Fox News cause celeb. And that is that literally all rhyme and reason gets thrown out the window for jingoistic bullshit nonsense. We’re not saying that Toby Keith is the guy that started it all, but he’s a major contributor to that.





So yeah in the wake of Toby Keith’s death we’re not going to make light or fun of his crazy patriotic songs or his late stage Trumperism. But this is an absolutely perfect example of why we don’t use this segment to reopen old wounds. Yeah the feud between Toby Keith and the Dixie Chicks was the stuff of insanity at the time when conservative idiocy had hit an absolute peak. But like most things, conservative idiocy comes in waves and we currently seem to be hitting another peak. So that said, yeah Toby Keith wasn’t exactly the nicest guy and he was a very complicated man. But like we said, let the past be the past.








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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! So my fair audience, I ask you this question – was the Super Bowl fixed? Well now that the dust has settled from Super Bowl LVIII, we have to talk about the conspiracy theories that have been flying the last two weeks. First we’ll tell you about the non-political conspiracy theories, which those were insane enough. And by the way we don’t need to be reminded that this might have been fixed by one of the NFL’s chief conspiracy theorists. We won’t say who yet. But you can probably guess who it is. But this is one of the more ridiculous conspiracies that we’ve seen lately and we’ve seen a lot of ridiculous conspiracy theories lately!





So is the Big Game fixed? That is the question. And the answer… probably not. But that didn’t stop the conspiracy theories from flying about whether or not the rumor was actually true. However, there was one guy who was more vocal than most of the others. And come on, don’t you want to pull off the Scooby Doo mask and find out who they really are? Aaron Rodgers??? And he would have got away with it too if it wasn’t for those meddling liberals! Yes, noted anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist and former Green Bay Packer was busy online trashing Chiefs star and Taylor Swift’s boyfriend Travis Kelce and it was about as cringy as you could expect. So yeah we really don’t care about the vaccine bashing lunatics, they should go to the end of the line at the hospital.





But you know, my fair audience, that there’s two sides to every conspiracy theory. The logo conspiracy was ridiculous enough. Even worse was the pure, unfiltered hatred that the MAGA crew was unleashing left and right. Like OK guys, we get it – you’re sexless losers and Travis Kelce is dating the hottest music star in the entire world right now! You know we’ve made numerous attempts to get Taylor on our little program, but her agents have yet to get back to us. I do have to say that my favorite thing about this Super Bowl was actually seeing MAGA fans root for San Francisco just because! That’s right – the same San Francisco that they’ve been shitting on for the last 15 years. And the same 49ers team that once employed Colin Kaepernick, the guy that caused them to burn their jerseys. You really can’t make this shit up!





Of course it’s a false flag! Everything with these clowns is a false flag. Or it didn’t happen. Or it was Antifa’s fault. Or my personal favorite – it was a government psy op. Yeah come on, like the government actually has time to waste on this shit. OK MAGAs, time to put down whatever it is you’re smoking, because it’s got to be some pretty strong shit! But hey we got to give props to some people who are seeing the light through all of this nonsense. And it looks like former New Jersey governor and Donald Trump stage prop Chris Christie may be one of those people. Look out, Christie! The MAGA Murdoch cult doesn’t like independent thought!






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink: Larry David Vs Elmo
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Hey everyone, I don’t know about you but I could really use a drink!



So of course you know the idea behind this segment is that we have some drinks, and while we are drinking we talk about anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. Because we feel that sometimes the best escape from reality is to belly up to the bar with a couple of cold ones and take a look at the lighter side of things. I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but there’s a lot of really dark shit in the news right now. So come to the bar and take a load off. Only rules we got in this bar – no fightin, n cussin, and no politics! Some mild swearing is OK as long as it’s never at someone. And my sober brothers and sisters, we got you covered too. Just grab a glass of your favorite coffee, tea, or energy drink and come get wired with us! So this week, as you may or may not know, the final season of one of our favorite shows, Curb Your Enthusiasm, is underway. Which means that the cast is out doing the promo rounds, and well, a rare public appearance by the man himself got a little hairy. Tell me bartender, what goes well with a story about a Muppet fight? Muppet Fight IPA? Where’s that beer brewed at? OK I’ll take an extra large glass of that! Hey sometimes you gotta change it up! Well anyway as you can guess it totally went off the rails, and if you know anything about Larry David, you know that it pretty much was expected. Or was it?





Yeah come on who wants a shot? I said who wants a shot??? I do! Now I have many questions here – first off, why is Elmo giving advice on mental health? Is this to promote some charity gig for mental health or something? I mean it’s a good cause, don’t get me wrong. But Larry David snapping over Elmo’s advice on mental health is exactly proving the point they were trying to make. And this is my favorite part about this – he says later that “somebody had to do it”. Really? Somebody had to attack a Muppet about the mental health crisis in this country? If there ever was an advertisement as to why we need mental health support in this country, this is it!





Oh yeah that’s the stuff! But this kind of thing is what this segment was made for! So really what pushed Larry over the edge here? And believe us when we say that this is completely, totally on brand for him if you’ve ever even seen one second of Curb Your Enthusiasm. But yes we can definitely see how annoyed you can get if you were the one being interviewed and the subject kept getting changed. Unlike Tucker Carlson interviewing Vladimir Putin and he just stood there and stared at the walls for an hour and a half. You know, interviews are when two people do the talking! And yes we don’t expect this one to just go away quietly. The first episode aired! There’s 9 more to go!





Now here’s the thing – this altercation literally triggered responses from all around the internet. And probably the angriest response came from former Big Bang Theory actor Wil Wheaton – who’s no stranger to feuds given his long standing feud with Sheldon Cooper. When we saw his response, we decided it was probably best not to make fun of it. But instead probably the most bizarre response came from his longtime wife on the show – Cheryl Hines. Who you also know as the real life wife of notorious internet anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist and failed presidential candidate Robert F Kennedy, Jr., because she definitely gets Larry.






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[font size="8"]Road To The Primaries Pt. 2
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Welcome back to part 2 of our 3 part segment that is attempting to lump all of the coverage surrounding the 2024 election to end all elections into one convenient, mouth sized place – Road To The Primaries! If you follow American elections at any point, you know that the primaries all follow literally the same pattern every cycle. It starts with Iowa and New Hampshire, then proceeds to South Carolina, then heads straight to Super Tuesday which involves a giant boatload of states. Think of it like learning how to swim. You can’t just jump in the deep end first and expect to survive. You got to wade in the shallow end before you go full monty. Well this week we got to talk about my home states’ neighbors and my home away from home the state of Nevada and their primary. This is probably my favorite thing to happen out of the election thus far.





Yeah that’s the really fucked up thing – Trump wasn’t even running in Nevada and his closest challenger still lost to “none of the above”. It seems like the assholes that be want a rematch of Trump and Biden whether we asked for it or not. But what we are noticing and this could be huge is that Biden is making significant gains in a lot of these states. And the one thing we cannot ignore is that the GOP is now the party of Fox News and Trump no matter how much they try to distance themselves from it. Trump owns that party now and will for the foreseeable future. But you know that you’re fucked when you are beaten by the “none of the above” option.





Now you might be wondering why none of these candidates are beating Trump. It’s because none of them want to. And they’re not even close to toppling him in terms of the numbers. It’s no mistake that literally all of these candidates are terrible. Hell, even their audition to be Trump’s vice president failed miserably. Although, after the way that he treated the last guy, who the hell would want that job, am I right? And in case you’re wondering, the AP really did call the Nevada primary for Joe Biden, and it’s no accident. His popularity in the Silver State is growing by a long shot!





This isn’t just student council. This is for the presidency of the United States of America, and well, this election will determine whether America chooses a path of freedom, or it chooses a path of fascist authoritarianism as other countries around the world have. Yeah it’s a scary decision and we really hope that Americans rise up and do the right thing and stomp the Fox brand of authoritarianism out of existence once and for all. But here’s the thing people – Super Tuesday is literally 3 weeks away and we got to get our shit together! Yes, Biden won Nevada by a landslide but the big prize is still a long time away. It’s the first quarter and we just made a 1st down. We have a lot of game left before it’s finally over!





[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

For the final part of our 3 part series, we’re giving you a preview of what to expect from the forthcoming Super Tuesday primary March 5th!



[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]The Hives[/font]

Folks, my next guest has a great new album out called “The Death Of Randy Fitzsimmons”. You can see them right here at our home venue, the Observatory OC in Santa Ana on August 8th and then opening for the Foo Fighters at BMO Stadium on August 9th. Playing their song “Rigor Mortis Radio”, give it up for The Hives!



Thank you Aspen! This was a lot of fun! We’ll be back again soon! We’re off to the ABQ, Albuquerque, New Mexico next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
The Hives appear courtesy of: The Hives AB
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Belly Up Tavern, Aspen, CO
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