February 19, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-7: Bromancing The Stone Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-7: Bromancing The Stone Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up Ann Arbor? How you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! Go Wolverines! It’s always good to be back in Michigan, but it is fucking freezing at the moment. Although we live in an era where people deny that climate change exists, so it’s warm by their standards! And we were just in Florida too, how come we didn’t stay there for the rest of the winter? And it’s supposed to be a short one since Punxatawney Phil saw his shadow, or however that works. Do we have time for the thing? So this is one of my favorite stories of the last week – everyone’s favorite sinking ship metaphor known as the HMS Titanic, was once again, involved in yet another wreck. Yes, the ship has been floating at the bottom of the ocean since it sank on April 15th, 1912. But it was hit again, this time by a US explorer submarine operated by the National Oceanic And Atmospheric Administration (NOAA). Now what’s weird about the incident was that it went unreported for three months. Now it’s presumed that there was a treaty between the US and England about preserving the remains of the HMS Titanic, that was signed back in 2012 on the 100th anniversary of that tragedy, and this could have violated that treaty. But then again, this could have just been sheer stupidity on someone’s part. At the very least it’s a metaphor for a sinking ship. And also at the very least they could have used the Homer Simpson “It’s my first day!!!” defense. OK that’s enough of the intro, we got a lot of idiocy to get to. But first the long awaited return of Last Week Tonight!! And this week John Oliver destroys the Fox talking points on the concept of Medicare For All:

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Holy crap this week was quite the shit show wasn’t it? In the first slot this week, we’re going to do something a bit different. Two years ago, we lost seventeen brave souls in the Valentine’s Day massacre at Marjorie Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. So have things really changed since the survivors took on the most powerful of lobbies in the country? Yes, but we still have a long way to go. In much lighter, but also stranger news, Trump intervened in the trial of hardcore conspiracy theorist Roger Stone (2), and well, things went to absolute shit, as is par for the course. In the number 3 slot is the guy who we currently call president, Donald J. Trump (3) and he went to the Daytona 500 and put on yet another patriotic Americagasm display to end all patriotic displays, and we can’t help but wonder how much the latest America orgy costs. Taking the fourth slot this week, there was a recent audit conducted of Melania Trump’s (4) venerable “Be Best” anti-bullying campaign, and if you guessed that it is having literally the opposite effect, well, you might be right. Taking the 5th slot this week, is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5) and this week an alarming study was done on Southwest Airlines and has produced some absolutely shocking safety violations. You might want to consider a road trip for your next vacation. At slot #6 this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week, the Christian right is hell-bent on putting holy warriors on the bench in every state and local government, and our resident pastor is here to tell you why this is an absolutely terrible idea! At slot #7 is a new edition of “Beating A Dead Horse” (7) and we get it, traveling can be a nightmare, but don’t make it worse for the people around you who also happen to be on the same flight, because that sucks. In slot #8, Vince McMahon’s new MAGA friendly football league, the XFL (8) has taken off – to poor attendance and some strange rules, so we are going to ask “The XFL – How Is This Still A Thing?”. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new People Are Dumb, because of course they are! Finally this week, in the penultimate installment of our 2020 voters’ guide “Keeping Up With The Candidates” (10), now that Bernie Sanders has taken off as the likely front runner in the race to unseat Donald Trump, he commands an internet army known as the Bernie Bros, and we are going to introduce you to them! And the palate cleanser, we’ve got some live music from the man, the myth, the legend that is the great Iggy Pop! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Remembering The Parkland Tragedy
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Two years ago, an unthinkable tragedy happened when a gunman entered the halls of Marjorie Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland Florida and opened fire on unsuspecting students, killing 14 students and 3 teenagers. But this one was different, which is why we at the Top 10 are choosing to remember them this year. Rather than sitting down, the students and parents of Parkland instead began organizing serious change. We covered the tragedy in Top 10 #4-7 and Top 10 #4-12. So what has happened since then? A hell of a lot can happen in two years.





No, see, that’s the kind of humor that will not be used in this segment. See, we at the Top 10 have a long standing policy of not making fun of tragedy so we won’t try. And let’s recap – in the 2 years, David Hogg became an internet celebrity (and was doxed and threatened with murder), Infowars became a dumpster fire, Fred Guttenberg became an anti-gun lobbyist, and the March For Our Lives organization started. Oh, and also, NRATV got cancelled.





Yup, and I love that the NRATV got shut down because it strayed far away from the 2nd amendment message. Gee, ya think? But we still have a long way to go in the fight for gun safety, and it sucks, and people like Mitch McConnell aren’t helping. So who is? Well take groups like Moms Demand Action, for instance, who are actually trying to change gun policy.





Now we aren’t cancelling Moms Demand Action. And in doing my research for this entry, did you know that the NRA had it’s own insurance agency? And that it repeatedly deceived members? I’m shocked! Of course that kind of thing could easily lead to what we’ve seen in Parkland and elsewhere in the last few years. But in case you’re wondering, no, 2 years later, we’re not safer. Just take a look at Top 10 #7-11, where we covered a high school in Michigan that was being developed with mass shootings in mind. Or Top 10 #4-19 where Texas Lt. Gov Dan Patrick suggested that schools have too many exits. But the good news is, some strides are being made!






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[font size="8"]Roger Stone
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George Carlin had a now famous bit on his 2005 special “Life Is Worth Losing” about how rich millionaires and billionaires are all part of a big club and we’re not in it. Can you believe that special is now 15 years old? That’s insane! Well, of course George passed away 12 years ago and he didn’t get to live out the shit show that we’re watching with the Donald J. Trump administration. Because he is making members of the Big Club easier to identify. Unfortunately we won’t be able to get to his pardons and commutes this week, we will have to wait this week. But the shit show that happened with Roger Stone this week was something to behold.





If you're found guilty once, shame on you. If you're found guilty twice, shame on you. If you're found guilty three times, you might be a con manworking for Donald Trump. I'm just saying that it goes with the territory! So what can we expect from Trump’s fixer Bill Barr intervening in the Roger Stone sentencing? Well, he attempted to get the sentence commuted or even thrown out altogether, and failed miserably.





Yes, abandon ship!!! Now when a trial this prolific of a guy this insane happens, something that goes all the way to Trump himself, how are we supposed to take this? Do we take it sitting down or do we take to the streets like Bluto from Animal House? Actually this is more like Romancing The Stone. Or even better. Bromancing The Stone. Adding the “B” totally ruins it doesn’t it? Well, like everything Trump does, it’s dividing people straight down the middle. As if we need further division. Like Trump needs another mob attorney getting involved.





Forget it he’s rolling. I can’t wait for the Animal House style end credits scene of this administration when they start telling where everyone is. Roger Stone – buried under 1,000 pounds of tin foil. Trump – in jail. Pence – his cell mate. Stephen Miller – married 2020. Divorced 2021. See what I did there? Well there is some good news – at least for now we can rest easy knowing that Roger Stone is still going to prison! So yes, Trump, crime does not pay!



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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Did anything happen on Sunday? I know there was a the NBA All Star Game. There was also a PGA Masters qualifier. I did see the LA Wildcats home opener. And there was also a new episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm that was hilarious. I feel like I’m forgetting something. Oh yeah, this Sunday was also the Daytona 500 in which Trump attended the event and in typical Donald J. Trump fashion, he held a patriotic Americagasm spectacular and turned it into of course a MAGA rally. And is it me or did Melania look very tense standing next to him? That aside, the spectacle was just that – it was a spectacle and we’re not sure if it was a spectacular one or not. I’d say not.





I love that movie. Now here’s where it gets weird – because it’s Trump, of course you knew it was going to happen. Way back in 2004, George Bush was the first president to attend the Daytona 500. And if you know how to use Google maps or look at a certain website that posts airplane photos, you know that Daytona Speedway is literally adjacent to the runways of Daytona International Airport, which produces some ridiculous shots, and we got this famous shot. Can we show that?



That’s Air Force One landing behind some temporary bleachers at the Daytona 500. Now if I didn’t tell you that was from 2004, you wouldn’t know it because Trump once again got caught lying with his pants down.





Will Ferrell seems like the kind of guy who would go the extra lengths for comedy by sticking a knife in his leg. But that wasn’t the only high profile event that Trump attended on Sunday. He quickly high tailed it out of the Daytona 500 and headed to… the wedding of his White House policy advisor Stephen Miller. Yes, someone agreed to marry that guy. It’s truly mind blowing isn’t it? And think about the cute little Hitler Youth they will create. Yes, I saw Jojo Rabbit. And for reasons unknown it was held at a Trump International hotel. Hold your boos. Also, hold your booze.





One can only imagine that’s how Stephen Miller, author of the White House border policy, how he was wheeled into the wedding. And I assume that when they removed his straight jacket and mask, it only got more awkward from there. Oh and by the way if you wonder what kind of family dynamic Stephen Miller has, let’s pause and reflect for a moment that this is one of the things he got as a wedding gift.






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[font size="8"]Melania Trump
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Every first lady has a cause that they take up. Michelle Obama’s was physical fitness, Laura Bush’s was history education, Hillary Clinton’s was health care, Barbara Bush’s was promoting literacy, and Nancy Reagan’s was drugs. Now in an unironic twist of fate, Melania Trump’s is cyber bullying. And it’s only ironic because she is married to the biggest cyber bully on the planet! So if you can imagine for a minute that is having a huge effect on the collective psyche of our nation’s children. Now before you scream “Oh won’t somebody please think of the children!!!”, I want you to think about the type of society that having Trump as a president would create. Needless to say, it’s created a nation of dicks.





Now this sort of thing is nothing new. In fact we reported this way back in Idiots #3-1 back in 2017. The only difference is that now the bullies have become self aware, like some really fucked up version of the T-1000 where instead of just simply killing you, Skynet kills you and then calls you a “big stupid fuckface libtard cuck” while you’re dying at the hands of a T-8000 and lying on the ground. In fact, Trump is helping America turn nastier.





Sure, it’s funnier when Bart Simpson does it. It’s a lot less funny when Trump does it. Really, how can you run an anti-bullying campaign when the President of the United States does it on an hourly basis and doesn’t make it any easier? There hasn’t just been one incident since the 2016 election, there’s been thousands. This is a major problem and it’s not going away any time soon.





I really wonder if Nelson Muntz is a Trump supporter? Ah who am I kidding? Of course he probably is, Trump attracts this type of person. But really, what this does is that it says way more about the parents and what they listen to and the effects that it’s having on their kids. Why don’t kids listen to more rock music? That would have a much different effect than listening to Trump’s shit all the time. Jimi Hendrix at least was part of a movement that preached love and peace. Trump on the other hand literally preaches the exact opposite of that.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Southwest Safety Audit
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



Air travel has been in the news a lot this last few weeks, whether it’s related to the super virus out of Wuhan, China, or whether or not someone is punching the back of your seat. But this is one headline that you probably don’t want your flight to be a part of. Due to some errors, someone did something, and some FAA oversight regulations, Southwest Airlines has taken some heat lately for some absolutely egregious safety violations. Southwest is the largest domestic carrier in the country. But after these violations, you might want to consider taking a road trip for your next vacation. If at all possible. So what is in the latest FAA report? A whole lot of absolutely shocking allegations.





So like a certain president who we will not mention, Southwest used power and distraction to get around FAA regulations. So just what did they get around? Well one of the most egregious violations is that Southwest has lied repeatedly about the overall weight of its’ aircraft. Yes, that’s something that you don’t lie to the FAA about under any circumstances. Just watch a recent episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm about this very subject.





Well repeatedly lying about information has got Southwest in a lot of trouble with the FAA, but what about their own employees? One group that you should never piss off under any circumstance is the mechanics. And that doesn’t matter if they’re working on something like an air conditioner, your car, or even the plane that you’re flying on that day. Which it appears that Southwest did. And that is what one would say is no Bueno.





But if Southwest has anything, it has a lot of explaining to do. And on top of that, some major damage control to do. The biggest question is what routes were affected and who knows about it? What can be done to prevent this and what airlines could possibly be involved? Well one thing is clear, if your future travel plans include the tropical paradise that is Hawaii, don’t use Southwest for your inter-island travel because it could be a big risk.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of Ann Arbor! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Thanks to the unholy, ungodly Dark One, creator of all things bad and evil, who is currently sitting in the White House, our brothers and sisters on the religious right have seen a sort of spiritual revival. They are motivated, they are energized to do the good LAWRD’s work. But are they really? They are so steeped in their own hatred and propaganda that they can no longer tell truth from reality. That’s why they worship the unholy Dark One, whose name shall *NOT* be spoken in my church, thank you very much! But before we get into the meat of this week’s sermon, are these the people who you really want in charge of the judiciary?





Well if you think that sending your paycheck to her instead of paying off your crucial bills is wrong, I present to you – what’s behind door #2! Again, something that the good LAWRD JAYSUS would *NOT* approve of! Can I get an amen??? I mean this is a Twitter poll here, they’re useless. And of course, with the way social media is, you just know that a thread like this is going to backfire on them. And boy did it backfire on them!





That is true, oh angel! Now so you have Paula White who can’t stop grifting, and you have Christian lawmakers who can’t handle any sort of online humor. So make no mistake – when super far right Christians say “religious freedom”, what they really mean is “religious discrimination for everyone but straight, white, Christian males”. What are they after? Well, their prize is the courts. Which is why they will put up with any boorish rube as long as he gives them what they want! That is not what JAYSUS had intended, is it?





But just remember, we’re not the ones trying to tell you how to think and who to vote for. We might be the only non political church in the whole country! Then again, that’s a mighty big “might”. And by the way, give it up for our house band, how great are they? Anyway, back on topic, you know what it is they really want? They want to bring about the end of days! Yes, rather than helping their fellow man, which would bring about HAYVAN, they would rather see the world burn! Because, Jesus.





Yeah because he’s doing such a bangup job isn’t he? They need our JAYSUS because he really is a miracle worker! Whatever they’re doing is not working if they want to burn it all down and appoint judges that will help bring it about! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:





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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Seats On The Airplane
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Look, nobody gets it more than we do that traveling can be an absolute nightmare. Especially when you have to charter for a traveling comedy show like ours. And we don’t exactly have the money that a professional sports team or rock band does. But the cardinal rule of traveling is also the same cardinal rule of social media: don’t be a douche. And if you are a douche, you should be aware that everyone on the plane has a cell phone. And those cell phones have cameras. And you can see where I am going with this. Thanks to in flight wifi, those phones are capable of posting video of you being a douche on social media. That’s where this latest video comes in. But no matter which side you fall on the fence on this argument, you can’t help but wonder if the airlines bring this on or not.





Damn it, I specifically requested not to be seated next to Stewie! But here’s the thing – do we really need to get the actual airlines involved in this one? It really is their fault that we’re crammed like sardines on a plane traveling from Dallas to Boca Raton to visit Nana and Pop Pop. Well maybe that’s not all travel but we’re using it for this scenario. And this is where a circular firing squad turns absolutely ridiculous.





And maybe that’s why you don’t fly in vehicles designed by Peter Griffin. Although people, here’s the thing, yeah this guy was a douche. Yeah this woman totally blew this out of proportion. And yes, this sparked a debate that’s really been going on since the invention of the airplane. Sure you could ask the person in the row behind you if it’s OK to recline. But I know airline passengers, they are not like that at all! But you know one thing you should never do? Sue. That’s right, this insane debate is being turned into a legal matter! Because, money.





But here’s the thing – these days airlines are trying to cram as many flights on a plane as possible because, profit. And also greed, but mainly profit. But when it comes to economy class, let’s face it, we’re screwed. If you think the guy punching you in the back of the seat is bad, well, just wait until they can punch you right to your face! Yes, this is one of many insane designs being touted by airplane manufacturers, because if there’s one thing we need, it’s the ability to rotate our seats!






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[font size="8"]The XFL: How Is This Still A Thing?
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It’s time once again to ask:



This week – the XFL: How is this still a thing? Way back in 2018, Vince McMahon, the chairman and CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment, announced that he was bringing back his once-failed NFL rival, the XFL. And this time around it was going to have a more conservative, MAGA friendly approach after the Colin Kaepernick circular firing squad ensued. But let’s focus on one team first: The Los Angeles Wildcats who in their first week, got stomped. Which meant that for their home opener, nobody showed up. Yes, they have abysmal attendance ratings and a poor quarterback to blame for why the team is currently in last place.





Yes, the X is for Xtreme! So the Los Angeles Chargers and the LA Rams are struggling to get fans to attend games, but then come the Wildcats of the XFL and say “hold my beer”! Well, despite the extremely poor attendance, makes things even worse when the Wildcats fired their defensive coordinator literally after the first game. Guess you could say that things are going well for that particular team?





You could say that the LA Wildcats are a dumpster fire of an organization, but that’s the least of this league’s problems. So what is the XFL and why do we need it? There’s plenty of professional and semi-professional leagues around the globe. But this one is gaining the most attention and it has very few teams and even fewer people willing to go see games, especially with its’ pro conservative, MAGA friendly bias. Seriously, even the patron saint of quarterbacks, Tim Tebow, turned down an invitation to the league.






Well so the league has very poor attendance and teams aren’t exactly getting off to what one would call a great start. In fact, things are going so poorly for the XFL in the first two weeks of games that the stand out star of the first week, Matt McGloin of the New York Guardians, slammed his coaches because well, they didn’t exactly know what they were doing.





So calling the XFL a dumpster fire is definitely selling it short. Could it be improved? Yes. Are the between play interviews a good idea? Absolutely not. And are the games expected to improve and draw an audience anytime soon? Well that could happen because the XFL needs fans. Or it could not. But there is one thing you can expect for future games.





So bad quarterbacks, poor attendance, in between play interviews, and on field vomit. That’s enough to make you ask – The XFL:




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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. So who is dumb this week? I love this segment because there are so many stories of people being stupid. And it could easily be me or you in any one of these situations. Well, the Corona Virus is a thing that exists. While we are not mocking the deaths associated with the Corona Virus, we are mocking the media hysteria surrounding this deadly disease. Don’t get me started on anti-vaxxers, either. But really when media hysteria surrounding the super virus is at an all time high, it resorts to people being, well, stupid. We go to Hong Kong for this story.





You literally can’t spare a square if you’re in Hong Kong! Next up – remember the cartoon Popeye, you know the one that inspired one of Robin Williams’ best flicks? And then there was that character who always wanted to pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today. Yes, Wimpy, thank you miss! Chicken!!! I love that clip so much. Well, there’s a guy in Albuquerque who took that concept just a little bit too far.





I love that so much! Wrong Popeye, there. Next up – we go to the Peach State, that’s of course in Georgia, for this one. So here’s the thing people, learn how to read a map. It’s not that hard! Because while Google maps is great, it doesn’t take into account every single thing that goes on in a given terrain, so when you do use their maps, be sure you know, where the roads are!





Yes the blue part is the land. Next up – Florida. We can’t ever have a People Are Dumb segment without mentioning America’s most penis-shaped state, the Sunshine State, Florida. And really if you’re threatening to destroy someone, are turtles really your go-to weapon? Do you know how slow a turtle really is? And the larger the turtle, the slower the turtle. Those things do bite though.





Finally this week – sticking in Florida, we have to talk about this unusually weird story out of Palm Beach where this guy needs some serious kidney dialysis. But he has quite the unusual quirk. Yeah he’s bringing a cardboard cutout of Trump to the dialysis sessions. Which of course the dialysis center in question put the kibosh on. So to recap – cardboard cutout, bad. Family, OK. Here’s more!





By the way I don’t know what’s weird – the story or the fact that the Guardian used as a stock photo, a picture of a cardboard cutout of Trump. I have so many questions! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Keeping Up With The Candidates Ep. 24: Meet The Bernie Bros
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Welcome back to our 2020 voters’ guide Keeping Up With The Candidates! It’s where we keep all of the news, information, and issues about all your favorite candidates in one place! In the last couple of weeks, we talked about the Iowa caucus, the colossal shit show that happened at the Iowa caucus, and now it looks like we might have a front runner and that’s Bernie Sanders. Folks, I don’t think I have to tell you that in order to beat @realDonaldTrump in the general election, you need an army. An army of trolls. And you need the trolliest bunch of trolls that ever trolled. Of all of the 100+ candidates that have thrown their hat into the ring, only one candidate has that army. That man is Bernie Sanders. His trolls can handily take on the MAGAS. How you might ask? Well there’s plenty of ways.





Seriously guys, not cool. Bernie needs to have a running mate and this kind of behavior coming from supporters is going to probably alienate everyone who he is considering for a running mate. So the question on the table is how can Bernie control the chaos? Well, maybe he doesn’t. That’s exactly how people like Mitch McConnell and Jim Jordan keep getting elected. Even Joe Biden is telling Bernie to mind the bros.





Sigh…………….. same shit, different day! So where did the Bernie Bros get their name from? Why do they exist? And why like any group are they full of hardcore extremists and crazy people? Like the MAGAs, the Bernie Bro is such a distinct type of political supporter that they have their own Wikipedia page. But the actual origin of the term “Bernie Bro” gets traced back to an Atlantic article that appeared in 2015.





So are the Bernie Bros a threat to the Democratic party? Or are they a necessary entity in order to beat Donald Trump? Well, I say a little from column A and a little from column B. Now Bernie and Michael Bloomberg have been trading blows in ads, and Bloomberg recently took a shot at the passionate base of fans known as Bernie Bros. How far does this go?





[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

For the final chapter of “Keeping Up With The Candidates”, we’re going to ask the question “Is Michael Bloomberg a racist?”. Spoiler alert! Probably.



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Iggy Pop[/font]

My next guest is an absolutely legendary punk rock performer. In fact you can see him perform at Carnegie Hall in New York City on March 6th. Playing his song “James Bond” from his new album “Free”, give it up for the one, the only Iggy Pop!!!
https://media.pitchfork.com/photos/5d717ce547318e000977d846/1:1/w_320/IggyPop_Free.jpg



Thank you Ann Arbor! This was fun, we’ll be back soon! We are off to Madison, Wisconsin next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: University Of Michigan, Ann Arbor, MI
Special Thanks To: University Of Michigan
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: Inspiration Church Band, Ann Arbor, MI
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Iggy Pop Appears Courtesy Of: Loma Vista Recordings
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
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Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

February 12, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-6: Wheel Of Corruption: Dark Fate Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-6: Wheel Of Corruption: Dark Fate Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Hey websites, please stop asking me to review your updated privacy policy because we both know that ain’t happening. What do you mean my data was sold to a Saudi prince? Damn it, I should have read the privacy policy. What’s up Smashville? Ah, see my nod to the Predators there? How are you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! Happy Valentines Day everybody! Of course Valentine’s Day is this Friday but we’re spreading the love a couple of days early! Because that’s just how we roll. So this is our 4th annual Valentine’s Day special and as always, this one goes out to the lovers in the room! And I’m sure there are many. And if you’re thinking of proposing, oh man have we got a destination wedding for you! It of course takes place in Las Vegas. Now when you think Vegas weddings, you think of the Elvis Chapel at the Aladdin or Chapel Of Flowers. Nope, this wedding happens to take place at Dennys. Yes, the same Dennys where you go to indulge your drunk food fantasies with Moons Over My Hammy, or your Nana and Pop Pop go to take advantage of the $5 senior slam. But you can get married for free on this Valentine’s Day. Yes, free! Of course if you want booze to go with that, they offer $2, $4, $6, and $8 drink specials. And my favorite part, they give you a coupon for a future visit! Or maybe Dennys isn’t your flavor, you prefer something more spicy! Fear not, the Taco Bell Cantina at Miracle Mile will satisfy your craving. For your wedding, you get tacos and margaritas! Yes, that is a thing that exists! 2020 is a great year to be alive isn’t it? OK enough of the intro. We have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first Bill Maher is back and he tears into Mitch McConnell on his latest New Rule:



Hey everyone the Wheel Of Corruption is back! Yay!!! It’s been a while! Holy crap this week was quite the shit show wasn’t it? In the number one slot of course this week is the Impeachment Of Donald J. Trump (1) and he of course was acquitted after Mitch McConnell rigged the trial, but it’s not over! It’s far from over! And man did Trump unload in an absolutely batshit crazy victory speech at the White House. In the second slot is our State Of The Union recap (2) which included Nancy Pelosi ripping up a copy of Trump’s address, while Parkland victim Fred Guttenberg got ejected after questioning Trump’s hard right 2nd amendment stance. In the number 3 slot this week is Rush Limbaugh (3). Yes, he has potentially terminal lung cancer but should we feel remorse for someone who has systematically hated our guts for 30+ years? We will weigh in on this subject. In the #4 slot this week – white nationalists (4) marched on DC while their favorite target, Portland’s Antifa, showed up in downtown and nobody knows exactly WTF happened! Speaking of white nationalists, at slot number 5 this week is of course our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5) and the FBI completed its’ annual survey of domestic terrorism incidents, and the results are way more frightening than you would ever have imagined! Taking the #6 seed of course is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”, and is anyone really surprised that Franklin Graham (6) got dropped from the entirety of his planned UK Crusader tour? Our resident pastor is going to get to the bottom of why the Brits hate the evangelist and his business. In the #7 slot this week, we had a much different “Beating A Dead Horse” planned about Kirk Douglas claims, but instead, we got to talk about the absolutely batshit ramblings coming from Joaquin Phoenix about milk. Yes, he used his speech to attack milk. In the number 8 slot this week, we have a new edition of our segment "NO!!!" in which religious right hate mongerer and fake coach Dave Daubenmire (8) is suing the NFL for an absolutely ridiculous sum of money. And when we say ridiculous we mean just that! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week, is a new “I Need A Drink” and this week we’re going to get drunk and talk celebrity fragrances, and there’s some truly bizarre ones, in case you’re looking for a last minute Valentine’s Day gift for that special someone! Finally this week is a new “Keeping Up With The Candidates” (10). This week we’re going to talk about the aftermath of that colossal SNAFU in Iowa and what to expect as the primaries head to Nevada. And the palate cleanser, we’ve got some live music from The Lumineers! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Impeachment: Trump Vs Romney
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Hey everyone say it with me: It’s time for the WHEEL OF CORRUPTION! YAY!!!!!



Of course you know the rules by now – I spin the wheel and we have to talk about whatever it lands on. Of course if it lands on the guacamole option, you know that it costs $1.50 extra. So here’s what is on the wheel this week:

- Guns
- Abortion
- Crime
- Poverty
- Elections
- Buy A Vowel
- Sex
- Clip Without Context
- Death
- Greed
- Spying
- Walls
- Food
- Elections
- The Border
- Donald Trump
- Clip Without Context
- Chance
- 5,000
- Bankrupt
- Whammy
- Community Chest
- Top 10 Investigates
- A Random Tweet
- Something Random In The News
- ‘Merica!
- Golf
- 10,000
- Morally Bankrupt
- Guacamole
- Clip Without Context
- Talk Shows
- Holy Shit
- Beating A Dead Horse
- This Fucking Guy
- How Is This Still A Thing?
- Intermission
- Double Whammy
- 15,000
- People Are Dumb
- Keeping Up With The Candidates
- I Need A Drink
- Infowars
- Go Directly To Jail
- T-Shirt Cannon
- Lightning Round
- Bonus Spin

Let’s get this going! Spin that shit! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy… STOP!! Oh hey it’s one of our patented clips without context!



Coincidentally, I have the new Prophetess album “Warring Angels With Flaming Swords”, and it is a banger!!! Spin it again! Donald Trump! You know here’s the thing – conservatives have famously tried to claim that they are the party of transparency. Well, you can’t exactly be transparent when you rigged your own trial! And that’s exactly what they did. It’s almost kind of like that old MTV show Celebrity Deathmatch. In this corner, we have, at 239 (?) pounds, Donald Trump! And in this corner, wearing magic underwear, Mitt Romney! And not only that, Trump has not one but two dirty dealers at the helm – Kentucky’s Mitch McConnell (R-Turtle) and Mr. Moneybags prior to impending bankruptcy, Bill Barr. And with friends like these, who needs enemies?





You know, I never thought I would say this, but thank god for Mitt Romney. At least his moral code prevented him from going with the GOP cult. But he’s still siding with the religion where he has to wear magic underwear. But what’s interesting is that even the Mormon Church, which is famously hard right conservative, is starting to take a turn. So where does Mitt Romney stand?





Uh oh, Mitt Romney had an independent thought, it’s bad for the cult! And of course now that Trump has been vindicated, he’s going to go full asshole and get his revenge on the people who he thinks wronged him, starting with Mr. Romney himself. So where does his home state of Utah stand on impeachment? And where do they think Romney voted? Did he vote correctly or not? We will see.





Oh come on, you can stop booing now. So as you know, the way we’ve been polarized has been a thing since the Joseph McCarthy days. But the one person to defect has been Mitt Romney? I can guarantee 100% that I did not have that selected on my Impeachment Bingo card. But I did have “Romney kicked out of future GOP events” on my GOP Bingo card!






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[font size="8"]State Of The Union Recap
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Now entering the spin cycle! And it lands on… come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! No, a whammy!



Spin it again. Donald Trump. Folks, it’s been quite a week since the State Of The Union with Nancy Pelosi getting ripped by the Trump cult over her ripping up of the SOTU speech. That’s how you treat a wannabe tyrant dictator like Trump. Is that you kick him in the ass hard. Of course Trump is a guy who loves him some loyalty. And nothing more loyal than those who were invited to his Mar-A-Lago Super Bowl party or his SOTU in Washington DC. But if you double cross the cult, they will tear you up in the same way that Nancy Pelosi ripped up that speech. Here’s what happened.





Yup, that’s how you do it! But is there really a motive or a sinister underling to what Nancy Pelosi did to Trump? Really, Trump pardoned a guy who posed with the body of a child he killed in Iraq, and this is the hill that they choose to die on? OK fine. Let’s play that game for a minute. But in the 100+ years that the State Of The Union has been a thing, this might be one of the strangest ones ever.





Yeah pretty much. Now let’s switch gears for a minute. I have to talk about this story. I’ve been waiting all week and it’s been pissing me off more and more every day. During the State Of The Union, there was an ejection. While Trump was assuring gun nuts that their precious 2nd amendment wasn’t going anywhere, Parkland victim Fred Guttenberg, who was invited as a guest of Nancy Pelosi, got ejected for speaking out the way that guy shouted “You lie!” at Obama way back when. Hold your boos.




Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Oh and if that’s not enough, this will make your blood boil even further! So after the SOTU, Trump finally allowed Parkland families to go to the White House for a symposium on gun safety. You know who wasn’t invited? Guess who. Yes, now you have my permission to boo even further. And why should Mr. Guttenberg apologize to these assholes? He’s sticking up for what is right.






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[font size="8"]Rush Limbaugh
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Let’s spin it to win it! And it lands on… come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop!!! Something random in the news!





Come on, if you’re going to tell a bunch of beer drinkers their product is crap, at least come back with something better than White Claw. That shit is basically La Croix mixed with alcohol mixed with tap water. Why not just chug some pure grain alcohol like Always Sunny In Philadelphia? Seriously, was Florida Man visiting Brooklyn? Spin it again! Talk shows! Folks, last week it was reported that Rush Limbaugh has potentially terminal lung cancer. Which prompted an outpouring of support from conservatives everywhere while Democrats were asking the question “Should we feel remorse for someone we hate?”. Well the answer to that one is a very complex one. And there’s no easy answer.





Now come on, who knew that Rush had a heart to begin with? Oh now we kid, that’s the kind of joke we actually can make. And here’s one that isn’t. OK so Rush Limbaugh has said an awful lot of shit in the last 30 years. Among his greatest hits, he’s gone on Carr mocked rape victims, trashed disabled war veterans and famously had that beef with Michael J. Fox after his Parkinsons diagnosis. But you know what we don’t do? We don’t wish death on people we don’t agree with, even if they are ugly people both on the outside and inside. Just wait for nature to take its’ course.





Yeah no, we don’t encourage that kind of thing here. And if there’s one thing that you never, ever do, it’s piss off the cult. Because they will hold a grudge against you well into the next century. But here’s one thing that you should never, ever do – don’t ever, EVER celebrate that someone else has cancer, because it’s a shitty disease no matter who has it. And if you’re like the above teacher, really, there’s no time or place for that. Leave it to yourself.






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[font size="8"]Nazis On Parade
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Now entering the spin zone!! And it lands on… wait for it… A Random Tweet!!

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1227040292060180481

You do realize that Larry David was making fun of you right? I mean if you watch the episode he claims that a MAGA hat is a “great people repellent”. I can’t even… . Spin it again! And it lands on… Racism! Now it’s time for *1920s news announcer voice* NAZIS On Parade On Parade! An EKO Initech Productions Newsreel! We go to the nation’s capital of Washington DC, where white nationalists took to the streets to demonstrate… racism? That’s just about all we can think of this latest march. Because what were they marching? And why were they covering their faces? This is one of the latest WTF events in the history like all bad things, it started after the 2016 election when everything started going to shit.





Yeah where’s that guy when you need him? I mean shit this gives new meaning to the phrase “some of those who work forces are the same that burn crosses”. So first we had that insane gun rally in Virginia and now we have actual Nazis covering their faces marching through downtown Washington DC. Isn’t this certifiably insane? Of course we’re ready to go into CPAC and this isn’t helping.





Meanwhile, in Portland, the group that white nationalists hate and Trump fans love to take a shit on – Antifa, is back and up to their usual tricks. So here’s the thing – the Trump fans love to hate Antifa and they constantly refer to them as violent thugs. But really, if you read past the headlines, which they don’t, this was pretty much nothing. But that’s not what you would read if you venture into the conservative blog-o-sphere at all.





So here’s the thing – there’s two groups of protestors. Both wear masks to hide their identities. Both are run by lunatics. And neither side has any idea who the other side is. All that happened was – a war memorial got defaced, and that is not cool. But then again neither is racism. So while both groups waste time, it would be a great idea if before this administration is over, to Scooby Doo these morons and find out who they really are.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: FBI Terror Watch List
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Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? And it lands on… wait for it… Chance!!



Nice! I get a Get Out Of Jail Free card. I will just put that away for later. Spin it again! And it lands on… Top 10 Investigates!



Terrorism is a subject that is no laughing matter. When it comes to terrorism, what is more likely to happen? Are you more likely to die at the hands of an Al Qaeda terrorist, or are you more likely to die at the hands of your hardcore white nationalist cousin who has a safe full of guns and repeatedly makes threats against the government on Facebook? The answer is increasingly more and more likely to be the latter. As world governments are getting turned upside down by extreme disinformation on Facebook, white nationalists are becoming more and more of a threat by the day. As such, the FBI is taking new counter terrorism measures to combat this rising tide of hate and white supremacy all over the globe after completing their annual terror survey.





It’s quite possible that the FBI’s hate crime division is working overtime, the last thing they need is a few more hate crimes tacked on top of that, Homer! So where can you start seeing white nationalists pop up in professions? Well look at the military where troops have said to their superior officers that they have seen instances of white nationalism and hardcore racism pop up in recent weeks prior to the FBI’s annual survey.





Yes it was. But the director of the FBI himself has warned that domestic terrorism is on the rise, and most of the arrests involving hate crimes involve white supremacy. And in a not at all shocking twist, the FBI is promising to actually deal with a lot of the hate crimes that are on the rise. So when Nazis march down the street in your neighborhood, you can rest assured that the FBI is watching them.





Now that the FBI is doing more to fight terrorism, you might want to ask yourself “Why isn’t the FBI doing more to fight white supremacy?”. Well, the answer of course lies in the Rage Against The Machine classic song “Killing In The Name Of” which has the lyric “Some of those who work forces / Are the same that burn crosses”. If that rings true, there is going to be a huge undertaking needed to sort out this mess after the dust has been settled.





That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Let’s spin the wheel shall we? Wheel goes round, wheel goes round, where does it stop? Oh hey it’s yet another Clip Without Context!



Yeah that will work! Let’s pray away a deadly virus! Right. Spin it again! Oh hey it’s time for Holy Shit!

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of Nashville! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation!! Is it OK to cancel someone who you don’t agree with? We live in an era where Nazis are marching in the streets and white supremacists have infiltrated our law enforcement, and pastors are saying extremely homophobic and sexist stuff, and nobody is questioning them on it. Now it could be the poison that is being ingested every day on your social media feeds. There is so much disinformation out there. And of course we don’t need people like Franklin Graham helping things, but I’m going to say that he should be cancelled. Of course, as you know, free speech is an absolute right in these United States, of which, I am free to mock religion as much as these guys are to preach it! And for that I am thankful! But what happens when a guy like Franklin Graham, who supports the unholy Dark One, whose name shall not be spoken in my church, when he takes his show on the road? This happens!





That’s right miss! Oh my GAWD indeed! And this is the same England here? The one that is embracing fascism and dictatorships with their new Brexit model? But then again, homophobia is viewed much more differently abroad than it is in the States! And of course, if you can’t beat them, what is the answer my fair congregation? Sue!!! That’s right, Pastor Graham vows to sue the shit out of the areans that cancelled him!





Maybe don’t call that guy if you’re planning a lawsuit! But that said, Mr. Graham is still insisting on going on his full UK tour. Because let’s face it, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and you must be a supporter of the Unholy Dark One, and the world turning to the Dark Side! But is Franklin Graham really a champion of LGBT rights? I would most certainly think not. And why would people come to listen to him anyways? At least if you come to my church – all are welcome and all are pure in the eyes of the LAWRD JAYSUS!!! Can I get an amen???





Except when there is judgement, good Rev! But even if you are cancelled at every single venue in the UK, can you still go there? Would you defy the Queen? Well apparently the concept of “cancel culture” doesn’t apply to the far right! Apparently you can be cancelled and still go there anyways! Now that’s funny because I don’t remember in the Bible where JAYSUS got cancelled and still went on an arena tour! Maybe that arena tour got reduced to civic centers and golf course country clubs?





So if you see Franklin Graham preaching on that free speech corner in Hyde Park, that might be the only place where he’s allowed to do so in the UK. And he’ll sound just as crazy as the guy next to him! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Got Milk?
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Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? And it lands on… wait for it… oh it’s another one of our patented clips without context!



News Nazis, by the way, that’s the name of my new metalcore band. We’re playing the Troubadour this weekend! Spin it again! Oh hey it’s time for Beating A Dead Hore!



OK I’ll admit that one of my favorite films last year was Joker. Yes, it deserved all the accolades it got and Joaquin Phoenix easily deserved Best Actor. That said, he is one weird fucking dude. Do not give this guy an open mike. Because it really felt like a Joker speech. I kept waiting for him to say “YOU GET WHAT YOU FUCKING DESERVE!!!”. You know what? Before we go any further let’s roll the clip.



Whew, there was a lot to pack in that clip. Now before we go and dissect this whole thing, we got to talk about all the people that Mr. Phoenix pissed off in this clip. So Laura Dern and Brad Pitt both had great speeches and then there was this. So while I’m sure his intentions were good, the message came off weird.





Yeah that escalated quickly. So in one sentence we go from talking about gender rights and equality to talking about artificially inseminating cows, because reasons. And come on, do we really need this guy talking about award speeches that criticize hard working, every day people? Celebrities aren’t like us, they don’t have to deal with credit checks and getting ejected from places and being denied buying something and maxing out credit cards. So Ricky Gervais, you’re not helping.





Dude come on, even the Joker thinks this is full of shit. And I thought my jokes were bad! But here’s the thing – why are people just griping on and on about cancel culture? Have you seen TV lately? Nothing gets cancelled anymore! I mean shit, Arrested Development got cancelled by Fox and they got two extra seasons on Netflix! And if you attempt to cancel something, it will just make people want to do it more, come on, we saw that with the Tomahawk Chip.





Well so thank the other actors and actresses, who might win awards on shows that I am not competing on, OK makes sense! But be careful about who you speak to, Joaquin and Renee, because you could accidentally piss off the wrong people. Except of course for the guy that we call president, and he constantly pisses off the wrong people. Yeah, don’t be like that guy!






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[font size="8"]No! Dave Daubenmire NFL Suit
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Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? And it lands on… wait for it… CHANCE!



Stupid bleeping poor tax!!!! Spin it again. And it lands on… NO!



OK before we go any further, this is a topic that would normally be reserved for a Holy Shit but our resident pastor is tied up with news about Franklin Graham, the shit storm in Virginia, and the National Prayer Breakfast, so by the time he gets around to it, it will be yesterday’s news. That said, this is a big fat “NO!!!” and I really hope that he gets laughed out of court for this one. So our good friend Dave Daubenmire – the hate mongerer who calls himself a “coach” is planning to sue the NFL because they featured Jennifer Lopez and Shakira – two extremely attractive Hispanic singers and dancers, in very tight and revealing clothing. Now don’t boo yet, is the Super Bowl halftime show now a porno show or is it a Pepsi commercial? Let’s find out.





Holy fucking shit!!! $867 trillion??? I’d be fine with $867. Hell, I’d be fine with $86.70. We’re not exactly raking in that sweet advertising revenue. And I like that he’s including his local cable company in the mix because, reasons. It’s like when you sign up for an internet bundle and they try to sweeten the deal by including a land line. Ooh, land line!!!! But here’s my favorite part of this lawsuit. Does Dave even know what a porn show is? Or does he spend way too much time watching Porn Hub?





What is it with creepy looking old white dudes and attractive women? Why are they so weird? Well, Dave is definitely no stranger to that while also demeaning others who aren’t straight white, manliest men of all males. But really the second video tells us way more about Dave Daubenmire’s sexual preferences than we ever cared to know. Ew.





Seriously, Dave, you’re the one with the agenda! And I think we all know how you get your jollies, and I have to say, hard pass. You also know, nobody is forcing a gun to your head to watch the Super Bowl half time show. But who’s going to take up a lawsuit for $867 trillion dollars just because you got a hard on watching J. Lo? Good luck with that, and you’ll probably get laughed out of court at the most.






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? And it lands on… wait for it… Oh hey another clip without context!



No it’s just a bunch of idiots with too much time on their hands jamming the phones. But thanks for playing, Rick! Spin it again! Oh and it’s time for I Need A Drink!



Hey everyone after all the crazy and horrifying news this week, whether it’s conservatives throwing out the rule of law in favor of one party rule, or that conservative trolls were attempting to sabotage the Iowa primaries, or the fact that an uncontrollable super virus from China is most likely going to kill us all, the only remedy is a good strong cocktail. Or a beer. I’ll take either, I’m not picky. But this is the segment where we have some drinks and talk about anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. This week, we’re going to talk fragrances. Sold by celebrities. So tell me, bartender, what goes well with a story about perfume? A plum soaked in perfume served in a hat? Can you even drink that? I’ll just take my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. Well, when it comes to fragrances, we of course look to one of the trend setters, Gwyneth Paltrow, who, with her venerable GOOP brand, helped sell this peculiar product.





2020 is a great year to be alive, isn’t it? I’ll drink to that! I mean really when aliens land on this Earth 200 years from now, they will look back at GOOP and go “WTF! Why hasn’t this species been conquered already by now?”. And really I’ll take medical advice from someone who recommended that women should shove plastic eggs up their vaginal cavities. Come on people, let’s get real here. As if that’s not enough, Erika Badu took Paltrow’s idea and said “hold my incense!”.





Maybe grounded up used panties are the secret ingredient to Sex Panther? Yeah probably. Now here’s the thing guys, you might be thinking “Where’s the This Smells Like My Penis” candle? Well I first off am sad to report that one actually exists. But here’s the thing – even if it does exist, there’s no way, shape or form it has the same impact. Nobody wants a penis candle in their face. Penis Candle, saw them at the Troubadour, by the way, awesome band.





Ahh!!! Damn, did I need that! But here’s the thing – no matter what brand of junk science you subscribe to – whether it’s Paltrow’s GOOP, Alex Jones’ Infowars, or some guy with an anti-vaxxer blog on Facebook, you should be aware of the key word “junk”. Sure, it might be fun to play around with junk science, but when your hair starts falling out and you can’t taste your tongue, don’t say that we didn’t warn you.






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[font size="8"]Keeping Up With The Candidates Ep. 23: WTF Iowa???
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Let’s give the wheel one final spin this week! And it lands on… come on no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop!!! Go to jail? Nooooooooo!!!!



Wait, I’ve got that Get Out Of Jail Free card! Sweet! Spin it again! it’s time for Keeping Up With The Candidates!



Welcome back to our 2020 Voters’ Guide called Keeping Up With The Candidates! Yes, we’re 11 months out so we had better be prepared, damn it!! So to recap, in the last few weeks, we’ve discussed the beef between Tulsi and Hillary, we’ve discussed the infighting among Bernie Bros, and we’ve discussed the dropouts including Julian Castro and Bill DeBlasio. Now that we’re supposed to be heading into the primaries, we may have a clear favorite. Or not. The GOP is still up to their dirty tricks. And they played extremely dirty in Iowa. Who was the winner there, we may never know for sure. On one hand Mayor Pete was winning but then Bernie claimed a surge. The real winner here out of all of this? The voting machines.





Well that’s another issue entirely. But that said maybe I don’t know, actually test out the voting equipment before you deploy it next time? Also, maybe don’t make critical phone numbers public before hand? I mean shit, I’m no cyber security expert and I could have seen this coming! Now that said, in a very “Well duh!!!” tone of voice, this could have some potential setbacks for voting by cell phone app. Gee, ya think???





You know what – if you’re trying to go for a transparent election, maybe don’t buy software from a company called “Shadow Inc”? I’m just saying. That said, what can we expect when the campaign heads to New Hampshire for the next caucus? Well, thanks to the Iowa debacle, you can now expect an Adrian Monk level of phobia when it comes to protecting our vote in the next primary.





Ah that’s the kind of thinking we need here in this election. But how do you prevent what happened in Iowa from happening again? On one hand, we have one extreme in Iowa. And in the other extreme, we have New Hampshire. Can you find a common ground between the two extremes? Can you? Leave it of course to my home state of California to come up with the solution. We think.





[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

Now that Bernie has been gaining momentum in the primaries, we are going to take a look at his ever-growing fan base, called The Bernie Bros, and why are they so angry?



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]The Lumineers[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest has a great new album out called “III”. You can see them on tour this summer coming to stadiums near you. Playing their song “Gloria”, give it up for The Lumineers!
https://img.discogs.com/_ug1cOIqhdclrWp6fd0lWKkanDk=/fit-in/300x300/filters:strip_icc():format(jpeg):mode_rgb():quality(40)/discogs-images/R-14329383-1572346386-1728.jpeg.jpg



Thank you Nashville! We are off to the University Of Michigan next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Vanderbilt University, Nashville, TN
Special Thanks To: Vanderbilt University
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: Vanderbilt Choir Club, Nashville
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Greta Van Fleet Appear Courtesy Of: Republic Records
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
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Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

February 5, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-5: They Came In Like A Wrecking Ball Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-5: They Came In Like A Wrecking Ball Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up Tallahassee? How you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! Hey I think this is our first time in the Florida Panhandle! Really how cool is that? Anyway, congratulations to the Kansas City Chiefs on winning their second Super Bowl in franchise history. San Francisco 49ers, you had a great run and you can rest assured that Trump won’t screw up your geography in a tweet. Yeah that happened. Let’s take a second to remind ourselves of the fact that the President Of The United States doesn’t even have a basic knowledge of geography beyond a second grade level. I will repeat that in a much more angry, Lewis Black-esque tone: HE’S THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!!! And he doesn’t know that Kansas City is in Missouri? Oh yeah let’s take a sharpie over the map and alter it like so… yeah that’s more like it! Because a sharpie makes everything more funny. We learned that last year during the hurricane debacle. I mean this is the kind of thing we’re up against in 2020 – a president who wouldn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground, and a party that is backing his every move with treason. Just how are the Dems not running off that? We should be able to beat the pants off this guy… yeah poor choice of words. Especially considering I hear that he likes that kind of thing. OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first Bill Maher is back and he suggests that Dems play dirty in the next election and even gives them some free advice:



Wow, this entire thing is taking a turn every single day doesn’t it seem like? Well in the first slot this week is of course the guy who we currently call president Donald J. Trump (1) and did he commit sexual assault back in the 90s? Well a new lawsuit aims to, for lack of a better word, expose that situation for the truth, and it’s funny watching Trumpers try to justify this. Pass the popcorn. In the second slot this week, we’re going across the pond to check in with Brexit (2) and this is it people, Brexit is in effect, and it has the potential to make a bad situation even worse, because that’s what conservatives do. In slot #3 is also Donald J. Trump (3), and in a not at all ironic twist of fate, some extreme weather conditions along the California border in Chula Vista are blowing new sections of Trump’s poorly built border fence into Mexico, and there’s a record length tunnel underneath. You can’t make this up. Taking the fourth slot is also Donald Trump (4). He held one of his rah rah MAGA rallies in New Jersey and his supporters left behind a giant pile of trash, and he’s sticking the city of Wildwood with the bill! Hardly shocking, I know. In slot #5 is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5), and this week are former members of the Green Bay Packers running a doomsday prepper cult or is it an innocent fellowship church? After a terrifying incident on Christmas Eve last year, it appears the former and not the latter. And taking the 7th slot this week is “Beating A Dead Horse” – sadly last week we lost Laker legend Koby Bryant in that tragic helicopter crash, but did trashy celebrity tabloid outfit TMZ publish the news of his death before the Bryant family had a chance to be notified? Harvey Levin (7) has some explaining to do! Taking the 8th slot this week is our segment “We’re All Gonna Die” and last week we reported on the deadly Corona Virus originating from Wuhan, China, but it seems that hysteria surrounding the virus has reached epic proportions! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new “People Are Dumb” and since we’re in Florida this week, we’re dedicating it all to Florida Man! And finally this week, we have a new “Keeping Up With The Candidates” – we are going to find out what the fuck happened in Iowa on Monday and the absolute chaos surrounding the Dem primary. And if you are like us and you think that voting by app is a bad idea, well, you're not wrong! And the palate cleanser, we have some live music from our good friends The Dirty Heads! I mean really, buy their new album “Super Moon” or you are no friend of this program. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]





OK now that we got that out of the way, we here at the Top 10 writers’ room spent much time debating how we were going to best approach this subject. Because we don’t want to go there, nor do we want to go into too much detail. But considering we’ve covered both Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, and Brett Kavanaugh, we feel that we have to cover the latest allegations surrounding the guy who we currently call president, Donald J. Trump. And we can’t help but feel a bit of schadenfreude at watching the people who previously trashed Bill Clinton are now trying to actively find ways to justify Trump’s behavior, and it’s not good.





Yes, oh shit indeed! So we have someone who is actively accusing the guy who is, I don’t know, the President Of The United States, of sexual assault! You know who didn’t assault anyone? Obama. There’s that comparison that Trump wanted. So President Goofus is under fire for this and rightfully so, and you don’t just go accusing someone like that of a crime like that. Except when they did it in the 90s to Bill Clinton.





Man it just keeps coming doesn’t it? Of course Trump is going to say that Carroll is lying, but considering it was so long ago, we may never know the whole truth. But if you look on the conservative blog-o-sphere, which we unfortunately spent a lot of time doing last week, their justifications are coming quite insane and furiously. Which they are saying that 31 years is a long time to hang onto an article of clothing. Really? That’s the best you got? Please.





WTF indeed, there’s no way Trump would tweet about this. Though we can certainly picture it – there’s plenty of ways that he could, and I’m sure all of them would end with “SAD!!!”. But of course, like the trash left at one of his MAGA rallies, he’s attempting to throw it out, but also like the trash at a MAGA rally, he’s going to get stuck with it while someone else gets the check.






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[font size="8"]Brexit Begins
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s check in with our good friends across the pond and marvel at the just colossal shit show that is the Brexit election. As an American looking on from abroad, I can’t help but just sit in awe of the sheer insanity that has been Brexit. Just when I think our government can't get any crazier, England comes along and says "Hold my pint of Boddington's!". It started as a social media campaign and was filled with as much disinformation as the 2016 election was. And had the same outcome, which was to topple the government and throw everyone in a tailspin. Now, it’s official. Last Thursday, British conservatives, which you might know as the Tories, celebrated as Boris Johnson’s Brexit became official. The UK is going to leave the EU. But that’s the gist of the headline. They’re in for a hell of fight if people read past the headlines.





Yeah so Boris Johnson and his doppleganger Donald Trump entering into a trade deal while ignoring the rest of the EU? What could possibly go wrong? But British conservatives looking to pop the champagne should probably put the corks back on the bottle. It’s not that easy and it’s definitely not over yet. Oh no, strap in guys, because you’re in it for the long haul.



&t=20s

Yeah no, that might have worked on Animal House, but it doesn’t work in real life. So the question is, are countries celebrating Brexit? Are they telling the UK to go take a hike or are they like the pathetic ex kneeling on your doorstep going “PLEASE TAKE ME BACK!!! PLEASE!!!”. Well, Scotland could be the next great divide in the EU, declaring its’ independence from the UK. And that could make an already ugly situation that much worse.





Yeah so just like a group of cells, England divided from the EU, and Scotland could divide from the UK, which would make this worse. But this is proving that conservatives really are the same no matter what country you’re in. And for British conservatives celebrating this, yeah maybe don’t. Because you should know all the facts before you cut the cord.






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[font size="8"]Trump’s Border Wall
[br] [/font] [br]

This has to be one of my favorite stories of this week or any week. In a not at all ironic or shocking twist of fate, it appears that the only thing going over the border into Mexico appears to be Trump’s border wall itself. I mean the underlying irony of it all. And that’s something that Trump doesn’t even begin to understand, is the concept of irony. This is seriously what happens when you spend a lot of money on something that looks pretty but will break the second you touch it. That’s all this border wall is designed to do – look pretty and that’s about it. Is it effective? No. Can it be cut through? Yes. Can it be tunneled under? Most definitely. Hell, it can’t even stand up to nature.





Seriously, Wile E. Coyote couldn't come up with a more ironic trap than this. And here’s where it gets weird, because this is the Donald J. Trump administration that we are living in. Everything gets weird and awkward. This is an era where you can’t make up the news and it is super weird. But let’s examine what’s going on with the border wall further. If you expand on this, the collapse of the border wall revealed one of the largest smuggling tunnels ever built!





And that’s pretty much the extent of the actual effect of Trump’s wall right now. So Trump claims a lot of things about the wall – like it will stop people from coming over the border. No it wont. Hell, it can’t even stand up to the elements. The wall is even susceptible to flash floods and harsh terrain! Yes, it can be knocked down by winds. Just really, this is quite possibly insane.





Except it’s not the Mongolians, it’s Mother Nature! This is, like I said, this is what happens when you spend a lot of money to make something look pretty when it’s really just a cheap piece of shit. Think of it like those people who put Bentley grills on a 2006 Chrysler 300 to make it more expensive. But the bottom line is, you’re driving a 2006 Chrysler 300, Tom! You’re not fooling anyone! And speaking of expensive, crappy things, how much is this shit gonna cost?






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

When Trump does rallies, they only show the rally. They don’t show the behind the scenes aftermath, of course they wouldn’t. He and the MAGA crowd would just attempt to pass it off as fake news. because that’s exactly what they would do if you showed the MAGA crowd the aftermath. Trump comes into cities like Wildwood, New Jersey and leaves behind a wrecking ball of destruction and trash and unpaid bills, and piles of garbage everywhere. Yeah cue Miley Cyrus… THEY CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BALL!! I mean this is what you get when you elect a clown like Donald Trump. You get the whole damn circus that goes with him. So here’s how it originally went down in Wildwood.





Really? And you couldn’t have done a Google search to see the hours of footage from all the other Trump barfs his brain rallies? But then it takes a turn. Like what happened when they showed the aftermath of the original Woodstock Festival kind of turn. Sure, everyone had a great time, but who cleans up the trash and gets stuck with the bill? Why it’s the city of Wildwood, New Jersey!





Yup, they came in like a wrecking ball all right, and they wrecked the place good! MAGA! So yeah let’s show that photo for a minute. Hold your boos…



Well on the plus side, if I’m in the market for a folding chair, I know where to go! But really, trash should probably stay in the trash. And as for a MAGA rally, like I was saying, you know who gets stuck with the bill after Trump stiffs you on trash cleanup and security? Yup, the city governments, which means you, the taxpayer, get stuck cleaning up his mess!





Good question! And by the way in case you are thinking that this is an isolated incident, boy you are definitely in the wrong place here. Because there was a pro-Trump rally in one of San Francisco’s most progressive neighborhoods that coincided with a rally at a women’s group. And as you can imagine, things got ugly. If you want to know where all this is headed, here’s a sneak peak . And something that I didn’t know existed – MAGA drag. Yes, that’s a thing.







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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Inside The Packers Cult
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



Football is practically a religion in some areas of the country. And then in some areas of the country, religion is defined by football. And then there’s the state of Wisconsin which takes the concept of football and religion to entirely new heights with their worship of the Green Bay Packers. The Packers are one of the only community controlled teams in the entire world, with the other team being Spain’s FC Barcelona. But what happens when they take their love of football and religion too far? Well that’s when you get this. An innocent sounding church in Green Bay, Wisconsin, run by former Packer Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila, goes by the name of Straitway Truth Ministries, has much darker and more sinister after hours that go on behind the scenes. Ultimately leading up to this incident on Christmas Eve of last year.





This incident raises many questions – like who was there? And who knew about the incident ahead of time? And also, what kind of fellowship ministry racks up enough weapons and ammo to take out a small army? Well, apparently Gbaja-Biamila has some friends who are very high ranking members of the church that may or may not have racked up all these weapons and ammo that were carried into the Christmas Eve pageant.





So is Straitway Truth Ministries a Christian church, a fellowship, or is it a scary Doomsday Prepper cult with apocalyptic end times fantasies? It could be one, it could be another, or it could be a combination of all of the above. But the cryptic language that Gbaja-Biamila has been using, and the fact that he’s refusing to cooperate with authorities, is nothing new. In fact this could be a symptom of a much larger problem.





Yeah probably not. But here is where the story simply gets weird. Not only are there reports that a Tennessee branch of this church is supporting them (Ed. Note: A subscription service was preventing us from posting that article) , but he actually went on Youtube to describe his role in the incident in the week following. Not only does this raise more questions than answers, but why go on Youtube to do this? Why not?





Yeah probably. That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of Tallahassee! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! You know we love to talk shit on Liberty University here, and they quite frankly deserve every bit of it. For they are controlled by a very foul and evil supporter of the unholy Dark One, whose name shall *NOT* be mentioned in my church! And does it not say in our Good Book that greed is evil, and those who partake in the greed shall be punished by GAWD? Yes, our GAWD works both ways, does he not? But not the GAWD that Mr. Falwell chooses to worship, because his GAWD chooses greed and fear, and those are things that do not sit well in my church. But his Vexit plan is quite possibly insane. And here’s more.





So that’s it? You don’t like someone you think you can just pack up and leave? Well that doesn’t work in our Good Book, does it not? Can I get an amen??? Well in our Good Book it says to love your fellow man, and you should do that, rather than just secede and go somewhere else! We preach love and tolerance in my church, and not hate and division! And it’s all over your guns? Is that it?



?i

So what are the benefits? What do people expect to gain out of this ungodly and insane plan? Well there’s really only just one person who stands to benefit from this. But let’s sell it under the cause of your gun rights are being taken away. Because I’m sure that’s what the Good LAWRD JAYSUS would want, am I not wrong? Oh no, it’s the opposite of what he would have wanted!





Really, Governor? That’s your best statement? They’re threatening to take whole precincts away from you and Falwell’s words speak for themselves? Falwell is what one might call a “snake oil salesman” – he preaches nothing but a product that doesn’t really exist. He, and only he, will benefit from this proposed atrocity!





So what did we learn this week? We learned that Jerry Falwell Jr is a man that is more concerned with his own business that he will literally shake up the border in Virginia, and pander to the gun nuts to get it. And that is not what our good LAWRD JAYSUS would want, that sounds like something that Satan would want. Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: TMZ & Kobe
[br] [/font] [br]



No matter where you were last Sunday, everyone will remember where they were when they heard the news that LA Lakers legend Kobe Bryant, his daughter Gianna, and seven others were killed in that devastating helicopter crash in Calabasas, California. Me personally? I was in the bathroom and the news alert came up on my phone. I’m just saying it happens. That aside, one man who is getting a lot of shit for reporting the news is Harvey Levin, who is of course the president of everyone’s favorite celebrity tabloid trash TV outlet TMZ. But the question is – how the hell did TMZ get a hold of the news about the helicopter crash before the entire world knew about it?





Ah, now *THIS* is a quid pro quo situation! And I like how non-chalant Harvey is with his suggestion that he “got a tip”. It’s kind of like the Youtube comments section of a popular video when someone just posts “FIRST!!!!” and then leaves, but not before said poster gets bombarded with a million comments that follow and point out that they weren't actually the first poster because there were 15 other comments that were posted 3 minutes after the actual video was posted. Yeah you probably got there before anyone else, but then again just because you could do it doesn’t mean you should. But is anyone really shocked that TMZ got this information that quickly? Even the Chicago PD couldn’t put out a press release that fast!





Seriously, even the guy who was OJ’s arresting officer isn’t surprised that celebrity tabloid journalism gets it first. But come on this is one that is definitely on TMZ here. But at least per the LA County Sheriff office, was it disrespectful of TMZ to do what they did? Was this the work of reporters just doing their jobs or was it the equivalent of the guy on Youtube who posts “FIRST!!!” on a popular channel?





That is a good point sir! But who really was alerted first? Was it the LAPD? Was it the FAA? Was it Kobe’s family? We may never know because there’s so many conflicting reports out there. Seriously, it’s Kobe Bryant, the guy was a legend. And it’s so weird that we’re talking about him in past tense because it happened so suddenly. But does TMZ really need to be cancelled for it? Really?





No calm down, nobody is cancelling anybody yet. But let this be a lesson of how fast news travels in the social media age. The crash happened at approximately 9:00 AM last Sunday. In that half an hour, the police were able to identify who it was, and TMZ got it out there before Kobe’s family was notified of what happened. And no, TMZ is *NOT* where I want to get my news from when something this horrible happens. Thank you.






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[font size="8"]We’re All Gonna Die
[br] [/font] [br]



Hey everyone guess what? We’re all gonna die!!! Woooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! Woooooooo!! Wooo. Woo. Yeah it’s not really that exciting because the latest insanity surrounding the Corona Virus coming from the Wuhan region of China just won’t stop. And the World Health Organization definitely isn’t easing our fears into the latest super virus. But first off, let’s cut through some of the bullshit. Yes, the disease can be passed from person to person. But can you pass it to your pets and vice versa? The answer is a definite no!! Come on, people have at least seen the Wes Anderson flick Isle Of Dogs, am I right? No?





Calm down dude, we’re not gonna die, at least not yet. But that’s what happens when you have a population that doesn’t understand basic science and genetics. Why aren’t those things taught in schools? If only there were someone we could ask about that sort of thing. But the real danger here is cruise ships. Yes, cruise ships. If you’ve been on a cruise ship in the last couple of months you might want to get yourself tested.





Yeah probably. Especially if you live in my home state of California, where a whopping 3 new cases of the virus have been confirmed. Yes, there have been over 17,000 cases confirmed. And three of them are in California. Really, are you people fucking crazy?? You currently have better odds of winning the lottery than you do of catching the Corona Virus.





Hey, again, I said probably! And by the way in case you’re wondering if we live in a period of slow news or not, let’s look to New York, where the insanity is so intense that this was actually a headline. This was in the news! If you’re in New York, you can rest assured that as of this week, there are *NO* confirmed cases of the Corona Virus. But that’s as of this week. Sleep tight everybody!!






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br]

Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. And as such whenever we visit the great state of Florida, we have to do a special all Florida man edition of People Are Dumb. Look, Florida, we kid. But you do bring the crazy extra hard. And before we get into this, I want to give a shout out to the @Floridaman_ Twitter feed that really just goes beyond to keep track of all the crazy happening in the Sunshine State. Let’s start with this story out of Miami. Sigh here’s the thing people, we may hate Trump here and everything that he stands for. But let’s condone any acts of violence against him or his properties or the people in them. That said, this story has some of everything that makes Florida insane and weird.




That’s right, Dude! Next up, we go to the city of Orlando for this one. And here’s the thing, if you don’t have anything creative to write when you’re hammered and you’ve got a can of spray paint, maybe the best thing to do is just walk away. But not for this guy who painted – I shit you not – the word “slur” on the bathroom wall. This is a thing that happened!





Next up, we’re going to stay in the city of Orlando – what’s up with Orlando this week? They’re taking double doses of crazy pills! Anyway, I don’t know much about boating, nor will I claim to know anything about boating, but I’m pretty sure this is not how the gas tank on a boat is supposed to operate. But it’s also probably best not to get the fire department involved in your own stupidity as well.





Unless of course you have it inserted in the wrong hole. Yes, thank you sir! That’s what she said! Finally – we go to South Florida and the city of Fort Lauderdale for this one. So we’ve all been the victims of credit and debit card fraud at some point. Because there’s a lot of sleazebags out there to get their hands on your data. But this next story asks a lot of questions, namely, how does one spend $68 at Little Caesars?





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Keeping Up With The Candidates Ep. 22: The Iowa Caucuses
[br] [/font] [br]



Welcome back to our 2020 voters’ guide Keeping Up With The Candidates! Yes, in this guide we keep all of the news, candidates, issues and polls into one handy place! Last week, we contemplated controversial podcaster Joe Rogan’s endorsement of Bernie Sanders. This week, the Iowa Caucuses are underway! And who won the Iowa Caucuses? The correct answer is that nobody really knows. It’s absolute chaos down there in Des Moines. As of right now – it’s Wednesday at 2:00 PM, yeah it’s still polling at 0%. Bernie’s camp is saying that he won, Mayor Pete’s camp is saying that he won, it could be anyone’s game at this point. So what gives, Iowa? You had one job!





You tell ‘em, Loki! So the fact of the matter is that Iowa reigns in chaos right now and the master of disaster Donald J. Trump rakes in 97% of the republican vote, which is still dwindling in numbers even as we speak. And don’t vote by a fucking app on your smart phone, people. There’s some things that just should not be done by phone, and voting is one of them! Talk about phoning it in, literally in this case!





Yes, literally one job! And people wonder what the hell is going on with the opposition to Donald J. Trump? Well here’s the thing – if you’re going to vote by a smartphone app, you’re gonna get hacked, I’m just saying it happens. And it doesn’t take a doctorate in IT to figure that one out! So how could this have happened? Well, here’s the thing – DON’T VOTE BY APP!!! It’s that fucking simple. If it sounds like a bad idea it probably is!





So with that disaster in mind, who really won Iowa? Well it’s hard to say especially when they’re moving onto Nevada, and with 0% of the vote in, there’s well, every candidate saying that they won the election, but none have been more vocal about it than Mayor Pete Buttigieg, you know, our good friend from South Bend, Indiana. Yeah, I think you might want to wait until we actually have a vote tallied there, Mayor Pete.





[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

Next week, assuming that we sort through this madness, we will tell you the results of the Nevada poll, or we might tell you that voting by app is a bad idea. But probably some of both.



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]The Dirty Heads[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is a really awesome reggae band from Newport Beach, CA, you can see them at the One Love Festival at the Queen Mary on Feb 7th. Playing their song “Fear And Love” from their album “Super Moon”, give it up for the Dirty Heads!




Thank you Tallahassee! This was fun! We are off to Nashville, next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: University Of Central Florida, Tallahassee, FL
Special Thanks To: UCF
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: UCF Choir Club, Tallahassee, FL
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

January 29, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-4: Extremely Loud & Incredibly Angry Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-4: Extremely Loud & Incredibly Angry Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up Miami? How you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! Finally I get to be someplace warm in the winter! We’ve been up north for a while but man has it been cold! OK I got to be honest we had a much different edition planned for this week but Sunday with the tragic passing of Kobe Bryant happening, well, we got to address that. Don’t worry we will get to the conservative idiocy and possibly a few conspiracy theories and Alex Jones maybe calling it a “false flag” – you know he will – next week. But you can’t deny that Kobe was a legend and the way his life ended on Sunday is just an absolute tragedy. And I will tell you that you’re definitely not going to find solace in my bullshit. No, you’re here because you want to find out which politician showed their dick pick or which politician is suing a cow. Or which member of the Democratic party Trump called a derogatory name to in the last five minutes. And yeah it’s that guy in case you were aware. But this week has had such a weird feel to it, like how do you go on and make fun of Devin Nunes suing a Twitter handle that has the same name as his cow? Just where do you go? It’s just one of those things where you can’t find answers, just entertainment. And we hope that we can provide that for you. OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first while Trump screams “READ THE TRANSCRIPT!!!”, Jordan Klepper of the Daily Show asks “Well, have you?”.



The impeachment trial is turning into quite the shit show isn’t it? In the first slot this week we are going to talk about the Impeachment Trial Of Donald J. Trump (1, 2) and in the first slot we're talking about John Bolton's role in this whole shindigl. In the second slot, while Trump is screaming at people to "read the transcript", have people? Have they? Probably not. In the third slot this week is the Doomsday Clock (3), which thanks to religious conservatives, has ticked another few seconds to midnight, where does that end? Also, cue your favorite Iron Maiden song here. In the number 4 slot this week is a new edition of “We’re All Gonna Die” (4), and are you aware that a new supervirus originating in China is being spread through Asia and has landed in the US? Well, we’re all gonna die!!! In the fifth slot this week, is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5) and this week we’re going to investigate a bizarre claim from Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos about his phone getting hacked by the Saudis – how true is it? Spoiler alert! Probably. In the sixth slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and our resident pastor attended the annual March For Life in Washington DC, and he’s got some thoughts about what he saw. In the seventh slot this week is a new “Beating A Dead Horse” (7). So last week we reported the Houston Astros are dirty cheaters who cheat, but the Los Angeles City Council is taking the concept of “sore loser” to brand new heights! Taking the 8th slot this week, is a new “This Fucking Guy” (8) and we are going to profile the CEO of MyPillow – Mike Lindell, who is a conservative, full MAGA, pro life enthusiast. Yeah puke. And in the number 9 (NEIN!!) slot this week, we *had* a new I Need A Drink planned before the Kobe tragedy, but we decided that we couldn’t make fun of the death of Mr. Peanut at this time, so instead we have a new People Are Dumb, because of course they are! And finally this week, in our 2020 voters’ guide “Keeping Up With The Candidates”, Tulsi Gabbard is suing Hillary Clinton for claims that she is a Russian asset, but how true is it? We will find out! Plus the palate cleanser, we have some live music from our good friends Cold War Kids! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Impeachment: Part 1
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Impeachment is all over the news and we got to talk about it. But the specific angle that I want to talk about is everyone’s favorite mustachioed James Bond villain sidekick John Bolton. Yes, Bolton’s testimony could be the final nail in the coffin for the Donald J. Trump administration. But most likely probably not. Really this thing with Bolton is turning out to be quite the shit show. Seriously, even Fox News is turning against Bolton. And what do you have to do being a member of the GOP to get Fox News to turn on you?





So Bolton is defecting! This is quite the interesting turn of events. As the entire world is creeping toward fascism, anti-globalism, and hard right dictatorships. Is this what we really want? I know that I definitely do not want this! Can a guy who was formerly on the inside of the UN be the one to stop this? Quick! To the dictator-mobile! These guys are extremely loud and incredibly angry! Can’t believe I pulled that reference out, did you? Well I’ve got plenty more where that came from!





So let me get this straight – while Trump’s lawyers were arguing that the trial should be over as quickly as possible, Bolton’s book that is coming out may be the very thing that extends it? Get ready everybody because this could be a very long trial. But the good news is – John Bolton may have very well proven Nancy Pelosi’s claims. This would make him the anti-hero hero of the Democratic Party. You know, like Walter White, but without the meth.





No we’re not bringing in the dancing lobsters just yet. This is just a small piece of a very complicated puzzle. You don’t just commit treason against the United States. No sir. You can’t drain the swamp when there’s a turd clogging the drain. And that turd’s name is Donald J. Trump. So what’s the next step as this trial wraps up? What’s the next part of John Bolton’s plan? Well there’s no easy answers, that’s for sure!






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[font size="8"]Impeachment Part 2
[br] [/font] [br]

Yeah so there’s a lot of news and conflicting reports surrounding impeachment coming through the pike and you’re going to be hearing a lot of it. Unfortunately we won’t get to the Trump Barfs His Brain rally in New Jersey this week. Nor will we get to his interview before the Super Bowl. I mean who knew that he could land an interview with Sean Hannity? Really? You really need to know the answer to that question? Because if you have to answer why Sean Hannity is interviewing Trump, you are in the wrong place my friend. It’s been long established on this program that Hannity has his lips super glued to Trump’s ass and not even the strongest crowbar could pry them off.





Hey man I thought the NFL had a policy against showing boobs on TV! Thank you I will take that one, audience! Back to impeachment. We talked about the witnesses in the first entry. For this entry I want to talk about the transcripts. You know Trump, like the broken record that he is, is insisting that we read the transcripts. Which we’re betting that he hasn’t. We’re also betting most of his supporters haven’t either.





Read the transcripts! Read the transcripts! Shut up! There’s no such thing as a “perfect” phone call, Trump. Only in your warped mind could that happen. But then again there’s a lot of things he says that don’t make sense. But come on, is there anything that Trump doesn’t lie about? Is there anything that his increasingly warped supporters won’t lie about?





Damn straight he does! And when it comes to impeachment, it’s not the transcript we’re interested in, and there’s no way that Hunter Biden did what Trump said he did. And how can we read the transcript when it’s being read under lock and key? Yeah no, that transcript it’s already been said and done, it’s this transcript that I’m interested in! Really, shut up, Trump. You’re fired.






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[font size="8"]Doomsday Clock
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We need some music for this one.



Yeah that’s my shit! If you haven’t noticed, the Doomsday Clock has been ticking towards midnight ever so slightly. But lately with the world preferring batshit crazy fascist dictators and the USA having an uncontrollable man child at the helm in charge of our nuclear weapons, is it any wonder why we’ve moved past the proverbial two minutes? Yes, just like in a football game, the 2 minute warning has served as a reminder that we are ever closer to the impending Armageddon that is going to kill us all in a horrible fiery apocalypse. So why is it now moving past the two minute mark? Well we’re mere seconds away from total catastrophe.





Lousy beatniks!! But before you go cueing the “We’re all gonna die” graphics, this isn’t that segment, at least this week! Thanks to global instability, you never know what’s going to happen. But guess what is fueling the fire? Well it’s not Trump, it’s the fact that nuclear arms treaties signed by Russia and the US are set to expire. And with Putin and Trump at the helm, anything can happen. Let’s just sit back and watch the fireworks. Literally.





Well I hope we have the ability to survive an atomic meltdown like Homer does. But he’s an expert at this sort of thing. Us average joes on the other hand, are not. But that said, is it time to stop the Doomsday Clock from ticking forward? And what happens when we get to midnight? And is nuclear war the answer? Tune in next week to find out! Wait, don’t tune in next week to find out.





Well I for one welcome our nuclear squirrel overlords. And Nuclear Squirrel I hear just got added to Coachella. And in case you’re wondering what is fueling the fire moving the Doomsday Clock well guess what? It’s that device that you’re holding in your hand right now. Yeah I’m talking to you. It’s your phone – your Facebook, Twitter, and social media accounts.






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[font size="8"]We’re All Gonna Die
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Hey everyone guess what! We’re all gonna die! Wooooooooooooooo!!!! Woooooooooooo!!! Wooo. Woo. And in case you’re wondering how we’re all gonna die – it’s because there’s a new super virus that is going to kill us all. And I love when the media tacks the word “super” on to anything. Super virus. Super food. Super man. Super monkeys. Yes, there probably are super monkeys out there. That was our planet!!! Damn you all to hell!!! I’m getting carried away here. But we have to talk about the utter insanity surrounding the Corona Virus. Could you get it? Yes. But at this point your odds are about the same as winning the lottery.





That’s right – the Corona Virus may have originated in Southeast Asia, and there have been 4 confirmed cases. Yes, I can literally count the number of cases on one hand. So yes we’re all gonna die!!! Ahhhh!! I mean seriously people let’s lighten up and revel in facts before we let the media get the better of our biggest fears regarding deadly diseases. Oh wait what’s that? Oh cue the horror music!





I love how confident that guy is. So if you go to an airport like Boston Logan coming from Southeast Asia, you will get screened for the Corona Virus. And that’s quite possibly the worst thing you can get screened for, other than if your girlfriend screens your credit before you start dating. What? You will only date guys with a 720 credit score or better? Get out of here!! And don’t think we’re onto you, World Health Organization! Even you can get this wrong!





Yeah probably. But fear not! You know who created this most evil of super viruses that could possibly kill you? I’ll give you a hint – it’s the most evil creature of them all! Yup, we created this virus. It originated in a cave in Thailand, like all horrible things do. But as much as we created this virus epidemic, we alone get to fix it. That’s why we are the worst creatures of them all.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Jeff Bezos Hacked
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



The issue of cyber security is a very complex one. People day in and day out complain about, and are worried about their bank accounts and personal data being bought and sold under very shady circumstances. But this hack claim surrounds just one person. And that person just happens to be the wealthiest man in the world, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos. Even Jeff Bezos is not immune from hacking and phishing scams that have plagued the internet since its’ inception. But just how accurate are the claims that Bezos was hacked by Saudia Arabia via the What’s App application? So who is to blame in this situation?





Yes, there’s a chance Jeff Bezos could have been hacked, but then again he is Jeff Bezos. It’s not like you have to do a search on the black market internet to find out much information about him. Also, it’s the National Fucking Enquirer too, they don’t exactly have the highest journalistic integrity in the journalism industry. But then again, neither do we. But who is to blame for this? Do you blame the Saudis? Or is it the fault of the phone manufacturers?





Yes, you could have been hacked, or someone could have done a Google search. But how it happens and why it happens could apply to just about anybody. But could Saudi Prince Muhammed bin Salman been behind the hack? Yeah probably. But don’t go playing the blame game. Because that’s how they win, and they thrive off this sort of thing. Did Jeff Bezos get hacked or did he not get hacked?





That is a good question. But the question of whether or not Jeff Bezos’ phone was hacked is more of a discussion of power. And both of these men – Jeff Bezos and Muhammed bin Salmon have been in a competition for a quest for power and money for a very long time. Where does it end? That is a question for the ages. But who is more powerful? It might surprise you to learn that neither of them is.





That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of Miami! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! I was in Washing ton DC last week. Of course you know that last week there was an annual event called the “March For Life”. It’s the annual gathering of misogynists and anti-abortion activists from all over the globe. And yes, they are becoming a diverse bunch. But let’s not distract from the issues, because I’m sure that is not what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would have in mind! Am I not right about that? And really, do we need the unholy, ungodly Dark One, whose name shall not be spoken in my church. to lead such a ceremony? Because he is the most ungodly man of them all yet he is being treated like some kind of saint among anti-abortionists!





Why yes he does!!! And he also sits in the Oval Office, and that is why his name shall *NOT* be spoken in my church! Have the Christian right become so deluded that they really thin that he’s the savior when we all know that he is not? I ask you that! I do not believe that it is in the good book, thank you very much sir. But we’re not out to tame the pro-life movement. No. Instead, how do we get them on our side? That’s a question as old as time itself.





No, we can’t reason with these people or even get them to join our side. They are entangled with the Dark One, and they are brainwashed by social media propaganda and the right wing clergy, and 40 years of this isn’t going to end overnight. So I ask you, my fair congregation! What can we do? What’s really bizarre is that they are calling themselves “pro woman” when we all know they are anti and have always been anti! Can I get an amen??





Yes! Jesus facepalms at the fact that the Dark One slams Democrats, because that’s all he does – lie, cheat, name call, and play the GOP blame game! Now I ask you, my fair congregation, why is the youth movement getting involved in anti-abortion politics? Because it’s a movement designed to trick people into voting against their best interests. And no one does it better than anti-abortionists. All I have to say is that if young ladies want to get involved in this movement, well, here’s what they are in for!





But do they have actual knowledge of abortion or just the propaganda that their parents passed onto them? Either way we are in a fight for the unforeseeable future my fair congregation! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: LA City Council Vs Houston Astros
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Last week, we pointed out that the Houston Astros are dirty cheaters that cheat, and Alex Cora is the dirty cheater who lied and got fired for it. But then an interloper had to go and make things worse. That interloper? The Los Angeles City Council. Los Angeles is of course home to the LA Dodgers, who faced both teams managed by Alex Cora in back to back World Series. Now if you’re the city of Los Angeles, what do you do in this situation? Well, you petition the MLB to take back the World Series that were won under shady circumstances and give them to the team that rightfully deserves them. Wait, that doesn’t work in real life does it?





Dammit Mattingly, I thought I told you to get rid of those sideburns!!! But is it the business of the LA City Council to say who can and who cannot win a World Series, or any title game for that matter? Sure, the Houston Astros are dirty cheaters that cheat. But as social media was quick to point out, the fact that the Dodgers didn’t win the World Series is actually the least of their problems.





Yeah come on, LA City Council, you’ve got way more on your plate to deal with, who won the World Series should be the last thing you care about. I mean come on, you have a homeless crisis and people pooping on the sidewalks to deal with. Let’s address that first. Then maybe item number 567 on your list can be figuring out who rightfully won the 2017 World Series. And I mean come on let’s ask the Dodgers what they think should happen. Do they want this?





Eh… not exactly a home run here as the players don’t want it, the fans don’t want it, and really the LA City Council opened up a can of worms that it shouldn’t have. So who exactly wants it? The answer is nobody and this is something that nobody asked for and nobody wanted. Is it a home run? Hell no, it’s a swing and a miss on strike three.






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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Mike Lindell
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This week’s This Fucking Guy is the CEO of My Pillow, Mike Lindell. And for the sake of this piece, I’m going to refer to him as the “My Pillow Guy”. So My Pillow Guy is a rising star in the GOP because he’s somewhat of a minor commercial celebrity. And the GOP loves them some weird celebrities, whether it’s Meat Loaf, Ted Nugent, Jon Voight, or washed up televangelist Jimmy Swaggart. The Dems get all the cool celebrities, the GOP gets a guy who hawks cheap pillows. And he’s something of a minor celebrity because he’s been seen with everything from cardboard cutouts to partying with Trump on New Year’s Eve at Mar-A-Shithole . Yes, that makes him a rising star in the GOP. And well he can pretty much do anything right? Well, what are his qualifications exactly?





That’s right, in the GOP, all you have to do is say what they want to hear, trash dems, and blame everything on abortion, you’ve got it made in the shade, yo! So My Pillow Guy could be the next governor of Minnesota, an esteemed position previously held by fellow GOP celebrity Jesse “The Body” Ventura. You know for a party that claims they loathe celebrities, they sure do elect a lot of celebrities, don’t they? I’ll take that one, thank you! So how good are My Pillows? Let’s ask the experts!





So $80 for a single marginal pillow endorsed by a former crack addict? No thanks, I like my pillows endorsed by Ambien addicts, because if anyone knows sleep, it’s people who will take a drug that will make them do weird shit when they sleep! And in case you’re wondering My Pillow Guy’s GOP street cred, well he’s got plenty of it! He’s even got the same lawyers that they do! And of course if Rudy Guiliani is any indication, the GOP has a great track record there!





Nothing to see here, please disperse! Yup, it’s a good old fashioned GOP circle jerk! Featuring My Pillow Guy and a failed candidate who should probably not quit his day job. Sure, the GOP and the Christian right love this guy because he’s a self-made go getter who overcame addiction and built a global business empire. That’s the American dream right? Well, he’s using the money he made from his day job to finance his weekend job – ending legalized abortion. If you want this guy to be your next governor, Minnesota, you’d better be paying attention to what he’s doing behind the scenes!





That’s My Pillow Guy, this week’s:




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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Ed. note: Due to the Kobe tragedy, our planned “I Need A Drink Piece” on the death of Mr. Peanut will not air at this time. Instead expect to see it in a future “Best Of” edition. So enjoy this People Are Dumb segment instead. Enjoy!

Hit it!



So of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb. Because the crazy never fails and there’s plenty of things that can go wrong in the course of a day. And then there’s people who are just plain dumb. So who is dumb this week? Well I want to start with a very overlooked category of idiots – stupid cops! And this story is an international one, coming all the way from the beautiful country known as Thailand! Really, if you’re setting up a car for a police auction, wouldn’t you think to remember to check the contents of the car first? Because I would think that the people who you sell the car to would like to know that , I don’t know, it’s loaded with drugs!





I think the drugs are probably worth more than the CR-V in this case! Next up, we go to Scotland for this story. Here’s the thing, this is so reminiscent of the “squirrel!!” distraction from the movie UP, or the robbery scene from the movie Big Trouble, that it’s a case where life imitates art. Or does art imitate life in this case? Well, if you rob a bank, maybe don’t stop to pet dogs or run slowly.





Next up – we go closer to home with this one. Look, nobody likes waiting in traffic. And when we do, you got to get creative with ways that you get around traffic. But somehow I would think that if you get pulled over with a fake skeleton in your backseat, that you would have an awful lot of explaining to do to your arresting officer.





Somehow that scene just seems weirder in GIF form! Next up – of course we can’t get out of here without mentioning America’s most penis shaped state, the state of Florida. And this is a great Florida story. So this guy was out and decided that he was going to try to jack someone’s car. Well, he should have thought of that when an undercover cop was driving in the very car he decided to jack.





Finally this week, if you’ve been viral for any reason, maybe don’t commit a crime with the thing that helped you go viral. Because if it’s something easily identifiable, it can get you nailed faster than the cops can slap the handcuffs on you. We go to the great city of Orlando for this story. And by the way where have I seen this sort of thing before?





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Keeping Up With The Candidates Ep.21: Joe & Bernie
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Welcome back to our 2020 voters’ guide Keeping Up With The Candidates! Where we combine all the news, issues, polls, and candidates you care about! We are exactly one month down, we have 11 long, grueling, and fucking insane months to go before we elect the next president of the United States. And we had an entirely different entry planned this week. But over the weekend, Joe Rogan started trending and it was because of his “all-in” support for Vermont Senator and old man trying to send back soup in a deli, Bernie Sanders. Yes, thank George Costanza for that line. But do you welcome a guy into the party who some have called “The Gateway Drug To The Alt Right”? Yes, Joe Rogan commands one of the biggest troll armies in the world and he’s been known to cheat, harass, and slam people online who he doesn’t agree with, and is part of the reason why our culture has become so toxic. So, what’s up?





That is a good point Bernie! So is Joe Rogan a guy who you really want on your side? He’s a bit racist, extremely misogynistic, and commands a troll army that would dwarf the one that is owned by glorious dictator Vladimir Putin. And if you want to know some of Rogan’s greatest hits, well, let’s take this time to go down the wormhole, shall we?





So here’s the thing – do we include Joe Rogan’s die hard fans in the mix or do we not? I mean at one point the guy was called “the gateway drug to the Alt Right”. And that is a label that nobody under any circumstances should be strapped with. But his raunchy behavior and a tendency to ignore rules and all sense of common decency aside, do we include them in the party or not? He could be the key to defeating Trump and sending this administration packing, or not.





Oh come on people stop rabbling! Yeah Joe Rogan has a track record and a history of being a boorish buffoon reminiscent of your average Trump supporter. But let’s face facts – beating Trump should be our number one priority and we can’t keep fighting with ourselves if we’re going to beat him. We must unite damn it! And if we have to include Rogan supporters in the mix, so be it!





[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

Why are people in Iowa protesting outside Joe Biden’s office? We will analyze this and much more coming out of Iowa.



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Cold War Kids[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is a great band from Los Angeles, you can see them on tour though March 21st. Playing their song “Complainer” from the first of a 3 part album series “New Age Norms I”, give it up for Cold War Kids!




Thank you UF-Miami! This was fun! We’re off to Florida State University next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: University Of Florida – Miami, Coral Gables, FL
Special Thanks To: Improv Group
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: UF Miami Choir Club, Coral Gables, FL
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Cold War Kids Appear Courtesy Of: AWAK Records Managment
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
New! Follow The Holy Church Of The Top 10 On Twitter: @churchoftop10
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

January 22, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-3: Viva Lev Parnas Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-3: Viva Lev Parnas Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up Georgetown? How you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! This is our third Top 10 of the new year that is 2020 and our previous stops couldn’t have gone better. So you guys ready for Super Bowl LIV? Hell yeah!! We got the 49ers and the Chiefs! No pesky teams named Patriots that we have to deal with this year. But my favorite part of the Super Bowl is the prop bets. And these are the bets that don’t necessarily have anything to do with the game , so we will run through some of them. Because hey we like to educate as well as entertain! Like you can bet on how many commercials will have dogs in them. Or you can bet on which Anheuser Busch brand of beer will advertise first. My money is on Michelob Ultra. I mean come on it’s the new year, we’re still counting calories, damn it. Or the coin toss. Or the number of the jersey that will score the first touchdown. Or even what color of Gatorade will be dumped on the willing coach. You can also bet on which J. Lo song will be performed at the halftime show. Which, you know I’m surprised that they’re having Jennifer Lopez play the halftime show given her busy schedule of appearing in two award winning TV shows and all the movies that she does. But that said… there’s always time for J.Lo! Ah that felt good! OK that’s enough of the intro. We got a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back, sort of, and he warns us of the dangers of your cell phone’s push notifications.



Man where do we begin this week? In the number one slot is of course the guy who we currently call president and that is Donald J. Trump (1). Did Rachel Maddow uncover the missing link in the Trump – Russia scandal? Please let this be what brings him down! In the second slot this week is Donald Trump’s boss, Vladimir Putin! Yes, Putin is in the hot seat this week after he announces plans to expand his power and the entire Russian government walks out on him! In the number 3 slot this week is Virginia Gun Nuts (3). While the rest of Virginia is supporting sensible gun control laws, Virginia gun nuts are proving that they’re the reason why we can’t have nice things. Taking the fourth slot this week is the Houston Astros (4) and the entire sports world has been rocked with the stunning accusations that the Astros and Alex Cora cheated their way to multiple World Series wins in the last few years. In the number 5 slot is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5), and this week we’re going to talk about sleep. It turns out that sleep apnea machine provider ResMed may have aggressively targeted potential customers, and the entire sleep apnea industry might be suspect! Taking the sixth slot this week, is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”, and this week, our resident pastor is detailing a holy war of sorts brewing in the Catholic Church between new school Pope Francis and old school Pope Bendict. Who will come out on top? Hard to say. Taking the 7th slot this week is a new “Beating A Dead Horse” – and every celebrity from Stephen King to Vince Vaughn is expressing their political opinions, so why are we completely sick of it? We will let you draw your own conclusions! In the number 8 slot this week is a new edition of our segment “NO!” and a longtime favorite band of the show, REM, has finally had enough of Trump using their music in his campaigns and they’re actually doing something about it! In the number 9 (NEIN!!) slot this week is a new “I Need A Drink” (9). This week we’re going to the annual CES in Las Vegas where robots were all the rage and we’ll tell you about everything from bathroom pals to artificial limbs and walkers! Finally this week, in our 2020 voters’ guide Keeping Up With The Candidates (10), we’re a week out from the Iowa Straw Poll and we can tell you what to expect when the field of candidates gets even narrower! Plus the palate cleanser for all of my nonsense, we have some live music for you from Brittany Howard of Alabama Shakes! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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You know, for a party that claims they don’t want a partisan impeachment trial, they really are doing everything they can to make it partisan, am I right? And this whole shit show couldn’t be any crazier than it is right now. Especially when Trump is off to Davos where, the last time, he was all by himself while the rest of our world leaders were networking. But as the impeachment proceedings head to the Senate, things are going to get ugly. And mob boss Mitch McConnell certainly isn’t playing nice. And look at what South Carolina Senator ,and guy who looks like he just won the 2 for 1 Bingo tournament at the local learning annex, Lindsay Graham, and he isn’t playing nice either.



Lindsay smells a rat? I think I know where this mob movie is going but I can't quite put my finger on it...



Come on, Lindsay, you can't out-act Jack Nicholson so don't even try! But that said we got to talk about this Lev Parnas situation. Viva Lev Parnas! Viva Lev Parnas! Viva, Vivaaaaaaa Lev Paraaaaaaaaaas!!! Thank you, that was my Elvis chunk! Thankyouverymuch! Yes, so Lev Parnas may be the missing link in this whole Trump – Russia affair. But of course you know the Trump cult, they will claim no knowledge of ever knowing Parnas.





Holy shit!!! Did he just say that Mike Pence and Rudy Giuliani were possible culprits? Just how deep and connected is this thing? And why does Rudy keep getting invited to things? He’s like the GOP’s Cousin Eddie – he’s such a fuck up that you don’t want to be associated with him, and every time he gets involved, things go very south very quickly!





Have you checked our shitters? So who else does Lev Parnas know and what does he know and how far could this go? These are very pressing questions and they could have some very far reaching implications that could go all the way to Trump himself. This isn’t a reality show, this is a mob movie, but which one? Scarface? Goodfellas? The Godfather? Only time will tell.






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[font size="8"]Vladimir Putin
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**Justice League voice** Meanwhile, in Russia!!!!! You know it’s a weird week when Trump’s boss Vladimir Putin attempts to expand his government powers, causing the entire Russian government to quit, and it’s somehow not the number one story of the week! Yes, that happened. People think that American politics aren’t affected by other countries, well, you’re wrong. Vladimir Putin is, to put it lightly, the devil. And he is attempting to expand his power, despite that most of Russia really, truly hates his guts. Maybe this is the world the gun nuts truly fear, and if so I am with them. At least Dmitry Medvedev had the good sense to quit before things got weird.





Could you imagine Zombie Lenin and Putin going at it? I would honestly pay the $50 Pay Per View fee to watch that! So what happens next? Now that Putin is on his own does he have a backup government ready to go? Or does he go on his own and go full old school Russian Czar on everyone and declare himself to be his own government? Well that could be a number of ways that could go.





Not sure you want to do that, Homer! Especially if things are going the way we think things are going to go there, and it’s not going to end well for anyone involved. Trust me, this is going to get very weird very quickly. And we will continue to monitor the situation as it develops. But do you now see how this could end very badly and why we should be absolutely frightened here that Putin wants to expand his powers past 2024? Another two terms of this crap and there may be no stopping him.





Why does Russia make everything weird? And why do we as a species continue to elect such grossly incompetent leaders and then complain about them? We could elect the other guy and that wouldn’t happen but we choose reactionary. But at least Medvedev had the good sense to send Putin packing.






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[font size="8"]Gun Nuts
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A favorite talking point among America’s super far right gun nutters is “tyranny of the majority” which means that they’re exercising their right to take on a tyrannical government. Well, it should surprise no one that they are the majority (at least they think they are) and they’ve elected the most tyrannical government the US has ever seen. I’m of course talking about the gathering of the gun nuts in Virginia this week in what might be one of the stupidest protests in American history. Most of the time people protest causes that are supposed to benefit people. Climate change. Not wanting to get shot. Those are good causes right? Gun nuts are protesting… not being able to shoot things. And the rally in Virginia was quite the stuff of insanity.





Of course you are, and as to the question as to why gun owners would need something so big… oh fuck it, just go make some penis jokes on your own. I’ll wait. But then of course things got weird. And how did they get weird? Well he showed up. And by him, no, not Trump himself, who was egging on the 2A protestors, but Alex Jones. Who was literally riding around in an armored car. You know for people who hate tyranny, they really are showcasing what a tyrannical government looks like, aren’t they?





Yeah probably. But things could have been way worse. I mean get a bunch of big fat white guys with itchy trigger fingers and some really big guns into a small area? Thank god nothing set them off or this could have gone very badly for them. And guess what? You know how we joke about how they have a false flag equivalency for everything (see: Idiots #5-7 and Idiots #4-13)? Well of course Infowars has to go and float that conspiracy!





No bribes here! But at least the gun nuts showed that they are capable of good clean fun, whatever that may be. Once they are done gulping down buckets of Jim Bakker’s end times prepper food in preps for whatever excuse of a rally that was, at least they cleaned up their mess. Could they clean up the mess caused by their president? I’m guessing probably not.






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[font size="8"]Houston Astros
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I know this isn’t really anything to do with politics but it’s dominating the news and I am OK so there’s no icons for “World Series stealer” or “being a cheating douchebag”. But what I am about to say, I say this as a baseball fan and in particular an AL West fan. Houston Astros, fuck you. Yeah the sooner you realize that the better. Also, Alex Cora - fuck you too. If you’re a sports fan at all the fact that the Houston Astros cheated their way to a World Series and Alex Cora won a world series the following year should both disgust and sicken you. And by the way Alex Cora and Jose Altuve really aren’t helping things. If anything they’re making the situation worse. Come on, MLB, seriously, Pete Rose got banned for less than this.





Oh fuck off. You know who else said that that they’re doing nothing wrong? Donald J. Trump, and you know how well that’s going! So what do actual baseball players think of the latest allegations surrounding the Houston Astros and Alex Cora? Well, behind the scenes the managers and owners are furious about the Astros’ cheating scandal and rightfully so. They pretty much ruined it, and don’t think the Red Sox are immune from this either. Pretty much anyone under the influence of Alex Cora is now highly suspect.





Yeah this whole thing with the Astros really is kind of like Mr. Burns stuffing a beer league team with World Series caliber players. Now the control group for this whole thing - what does an actual Houston Astro think of the sign stealing scandal? Let’s ask OF Josh Reddick, who was actually on the 2017 team that won the World Series, what he thinks of the whole ordeal. And this is coming from someone who was on the inside.





Damn straight it does! And if this was a managerial decision, what does that say about the players and staff who were unwitting pawns? Well let’s take a look at one of the whistleblowers in this whole damn scenario. So the Astros used some James Bond level tech to cheat. Actually they really just used things available at your local Best Buy. But nevertheless, what they did was wrong and they should absolutely be punished for it.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: You Snooze You Lose
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



The science of sleep is a complex and tricky one. And if you cannot sleep, which is a lot of us, there’s many ways that can help that. One of which is a sleep apnea machine. However, if you do use a sleep apnea machine or are heavily considering one, you should be aware that one of the world’s top manufacturers of such devices is currently under fire. You may have been unfairly targeted by ResMed if you are a customer considering a device. And they’re not the only company in the sleep apnea business that is engaging in this practice. If you feel that you were unfairly targeted by some aggressively shady business practices, well, you’re not alone.





But even if you are in the market for a CPAP machine, getting one can be a nightmare for the people who actually need one. Insurance companies don’t make it easy for people to obtain devices like this that they actually need. And if the provider is under fire for aggressively targeting customers, that negates the people who might actually really need a machine like this because a sleeping disorder can affect how they work and live.





So insurance can make or break a claim on a sleep apnea machine. But what if you’re trying to make a claim through your employer and you’re denied? Here’s where it gets highly suspect. Let’s take this case that recently went before SCOTUS where a truck driver attempted to obtain a sleep apnea machine and sued the company to get it. That case went all the way before SCOTUS and they ruled in favor of the company and not of the driver.





But we don’t want you to think this is all doom and gloom for sleep apnea sufferers. There is a cure out there that could alleviate the machine and make it easier for people to obtain a good night’s sleep. This drug is a bit… controversial. Some might say it is even something that would not be good for you if you inhaled too much of it. But it is a drug that is all natural and would be a good alternative to a sleep apnea machine. OK, that drug is weed.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of Amherst! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! You know we talk a lot of crap about super right wing Christian fundamentalists but there’s people like this in every religion. And the war is the same – it’s traditional vs modern. And I say this because there’s a group of let’s say old men, in this country who do not embrace change. Take for instance our good friends in the Catholic Church. Now don’t boo. Don’t boo. The Catholic Church has long looked to overturn this barbaric practice of priests and celibacy. And it’s a fight that goes back centuries. But while they’ve made great strides with Pope Francis, a former pope, Pope Benedict, has stepped in and well, he’s got some thoughts.





Yes, Pope Benedict, you might want to sit this one out. And I’ve seen Spotlight, I know what goes on behind closed confessional booths. So you’re booing me now. Ah, so now the tables have turned, haven’t they? But this war goes deep, my fair congregation. So deep that it could have some devastating long term effects on the Vatican itself.





And by the way in case you’re wondering if the Catholic Church is in full “move along, nothing to see here” mode, whew, oh boy are they ever. But really Pope Benedict, you might want to sit this one out, especially after new allegations are surfacing against priests and abuse. The only real crisis here is that there’s a bunch of abusers and they are showing no remorse for the victims that they abused. Pope Francis is trying to steer the church in a much more modern tradition.





That is a good point Reverend, but we’ll save that for a different sermon. Because I’m sure that’s not what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want! And really by the way, give it up for my choir, how great are they? So if the Catholic Church can’t get it together on priests and marriage, what can they get it together on? Well don’t expect them to come to a conclusion anytime soon.





Yes so if we learned anything during our sermon today, just about everything is a sin, and this might be one of the most egregious of all! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Your Celebrity’s Political Opinions
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Can we be friends with people who may do something even slightly controversial? Yeah that may be a stupid question, but this is the year 2020, where social media freaks out at the slightest mention of a person’s team or vice. I mean just look at BTS fans, shit, they freak out if one of the members so much as gets out of bed in the morning! But take a look at what’s happened the last couple of weeks. Sure, you had Ellen DeGeneres hanging out with George W Bush, and now you have Vince Vaughn hanging out with Donald Trump. I mean what’s a guy like that going to do in that situation? Punch Trump in the face slow motion style? Seriously, can we just take a step back and pull our heads out of each other’s asses and act like civilized adults here? No? Sigh.





Oh come on! Has anyone cared about anything that Vince Vaughn has done since Wedding Crashers? I wonder how many times he gets asked where the meatloaf is? I mean come on, this is rage bait taken to some new extremes. And the funny thing is – conservatives are the ones who are trying to get us to be mad at this, and it’s backfiring on them big time!





So we can add “fake outrage” to the list of things conservatives royally suck at! But Vince Vaughn wasn’t the only celebrity who got hammered over their comments this week. Take a look at what happened to Stephen King. Yes, that Stephen King, the guy who gave us “It” and “The Shining”. So apparently he made some comments about how the Oscars should choose the best movies and not for diversity, and well, once again the internet lost their collective shit, but apparently only white males were the ones who were offended.





No, Ron, that’s not the kind of diversity we’re talking about. But when it comes to who is being triggered, this once again opens up one of the biggest circular firing squads of all time. But really this whole thing is getting really out of hand. Just because your favorite celebrity may hang with people who you consider “the enemy” or they say something that may “offend you”, can we just let it go? Oh wait, this is 2020 we were talking about here. Crap only our 3rd edition of the year and I need to go on vacation.






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[font size="8"]NO! REM Vs Trump Round 3
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One of my favorite things about this current political climate that we live in is when a right wing politician gets caught with their pants down when they use a song without the artists’ approval. It’s happened time and time again. And it seems that no matter what song Trump uses, whether it’s REM’s classic “Everybody Hurts” or it’s the Rolling Stones’ “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” in his rallies, everyone seems to have an opinion. And by the way, You Can’t Always Get What You Want perfectly describes the Trump administration. in fact I’d even say it’s a metaphor. But not everyone is feeling why Trump has been using these songs, and Michael Stipe himself is telling Trump that he can’t do it.





Yes, this feud has been ongoing for quite a while. We previously covered this in Top 10 #6-7. But it’s not going away anytime soon. And – this may *NOT* surprise you but it’s also not the first time that Trump has been caught with his pants down using a song that he didn’t have permission for. This week. And this one doesn’t have anything to do with the artists’ political opinions either.





Eventually it’s going to be down to Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, and that guitar army from Idiocracy. And by the way in case you’re wondering just how effective music is at Trump’s rallies, there’s a very real possibility that this is the linked playlist. It’s really just the same playlist you’d find on the 70s station at your local Starbucks or XM radio channel. The biggest surprise is his use of the Village People’s “Macho Man”. Come on, doesn’t he know the history of the Village People? I guess not.





OK if Trump wants to use music at his rallies, he should at the very least find out whether or not that artist likes him at first. And if he wants his music cred to be known, maybe if you’re trying to go for some live music at your rallies, don’t do this. This might be my favorite part of one of his recent rallies – he hired a band that goes by the name of “Live Music”. Yes, that is their name. And this one I did Google – they actually do exist. No, I’m not talking about the actual band Live, which is a far better 90s alternative rock band, I’m talking about a band called Live Music.






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Hey everyone I don’t know about you but I could really use a drink!



So of course you know the idea behind this is that we have a few drinks and discuss anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. Because you should never combine booze and politics. Well this one may be borderline because we are going to be discussing robots in this segment. So tell me bartender, what goes well with a story about robots? I’m apparently being told that my bartender is being replaced with something called a “Robot Drink Buddy”. OK so tell me Robot Drink Buddy, what do you recommend? A Cadillac margarita already pre-mixed in your blender? OK sure, I will try one of those, easy on the salt. Hmm… not bad. But the reason why I bring this up is because robots were all the rage at CES this year and there’s everything from bathroom pals to robotic prosthetics as seen in Star Wars.





Thankfully we haven’t got to those kinds of robots yet, but seeing as how humans just can’t control their insatiable blood lust, we might get there. But this is my favorite story to come out of CES, and that is coming from everyone’s favorite toilet paper manufacturer Charmin. Yes, the company responsible for those commercials featuring talking bears rapping about how clean their assholes are, is bringing us some bizarre and potentially useful bathroom technology!





Well let’s hope it doesn’t come to that! So Charmin has laid out the future of bathroom technology although we suspect that V.R. Pee will be used more for evil instead of good. But while Charmin has its’ eye on the restroom, Toyota is setting it’s sites on conquering whole cities. Tesla may have pioneered the concept of the electric car but Toyota is taking it a step further. Think Bruce Wayne’s cell phone tech from the Dark Knight.





Could you imagine driving an autonomous car to a restaurant where autonomous robots serve you drinks like our Robot Drink Buddy is doing? I mean I don’t want to think that we’re heading toward a blank planet but it does seem like that’s our future. But then again we could be merging toward more of a Jetsons or Futurama like future where humans and robots co-exist. But if the robots of the future are anything like the humans of today, don’t count on it.






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[font size="8"]Keeping Up With The Candidates Ep. 20: Iowa Straw Poll Preview
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Welcome back to our 2020 voters’ guide “Keeping Up With The Candidates”. Yes, we’re 11 months away from deciding the fate of the future of this country. Will Americans embrace fascism and give us another 4 years of the orange asshole or will freedom prevail and we will kick him out of office? Well the first part of what always seems like a 16 year campaign starts in the January of election year and that is the Iowa Straw Poll. Yes, the 800,000,000 candidates vying to unseat Trump are headed to Iowa in hopes that they will be the 46th president of the United States. Of America. Are you part of the Yang Gang? Or mayor Pete Buttigieg? Or Elizabeth Warren? Or maybe Bernie Sanders is your jam. Anyway Iowa and New Hampshire will be where it all gets narrowed down.





I think I know who Texas guy is voting for but I can’t quite put my finger on it. But the Iowa Straw Poll is a recent tradition. But this is a weird time in American history because we are currently fighting as if the last election never ended. And we can thank endless years of Clinton bashing by the far right that got us to this point. Yes, the government has been at a stand still but for how long?





Maybe that’s why there was such a low voter turnout in 2016, too many people couldn’t fit in the voting booth! By the way if you haven’t seen this week’s Curb Your Enthusiasm, there was a great scene where Larry tries wearing a MAGA hat in a bunch of different situations and finds that it’s a great way to get out of a jam. But sadly the good people of Iowa will be seeing a lot of those on Straw Poll Day.





If you’re in Iowa and you’re planning on voting in the Straw Poll in Des Moines, you’re definitely going to need a good dose of MAGA spray to ward off the trolls. Not to mention all the stupidity surrounding bathroom appliances in another Trump barfs his brain rally. But the Iowa poll can make or break a candidate. Just ask Trump’s lawyer and soccer dad working on his forth Modelo, Rudy Giuliani. He could have been president but totally blew it in Iowa. So don’t get too confident!






[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

Next week we will reveal the winner of the Iowa Straw Poll, the runners up, and what to expect going forward!



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Brittany Howard[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest you know her best as the voice of Alabama Shakes. She is touring behind her new solo album called “Jaime”. Playing her song “History Repeats”, give it up for Brittany Howard!




Thank you El Paso! This was fun! We’re off to San Antonio next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Georgetown University, Washington, DC
Special Thanks To: University Of Georgetown
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: Georgetown Choir Club
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

January 15, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-2: War, What Is It Good For? Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-2: War, What Is It Good For? Edition

Ed. Note: Due to a scheduling conflict at our host venue, the Top 10 is early today! Enjoy!

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up U-Mass? How you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! Congratulations to the LSU Tigers on a perfect season. And the Clemson Tigers, you had a good run and you can sleep easier knowing you don’t have to eat Big Macs with Trump. Also RIP to Neal Peart. He could definitely be a contender for the drumming GOAT, and he was a pretty awesome dude at that. Do we have time for the thing? OK Southwest, I have a great advertisement for you. See, I provide ideas, that’s what I do. Well, anyway the reason I bring that up is that I’m sure you saw this viral clip from the Canadian version of Family Feud over the weekend going viral. So in the Canadian version, they have a sudden death lightning round. And the question that was asked had an extremely obvious answer. Well the woman who was answering had probably one of the dumbest answers in Family Feud history. You know what? Let’s show the clip.



Man they need to borrow a sound bite from a fellow game show and play the Price Is Right losing horn because that was quite the epic fail if there ever was one. Which is why this would make a great advertisement and you wouldn’t even need much, just that clip. Wanna get away? All right that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first Stephen Colbert is back and talks about how Trump nearly got us into World War III:



So Donald J. Trump nearly brought us to the brink of nuclear war and almost kickstarted World War III, and almost kind of dodged a bullet there. In the first slot this week is of course the “ROAD TO WORLD WAR III” (1). And thank god that Congress is introducing legislation to limit Trump’s war powers. In the second slot this week is Donald J. Trump (2) and we’re going to catch you up on the latest in the ongoing impeachment trial. We’re weeks away from it going to the Senate, but Mitch McConnell obviously has his head up his ass and is refusing to play fairly. Taking the third slot this week, we’re going across the pond to tell you some disturbing news is that Boris Johnson’s Brexit (3) has been approved and Jan 31st will be the day that the UK leaves the EU, and it’s going to be an economic disaster. At slot #4 is former member of the People Who Somehow Got Elected club and that’s CA rep Duncan Hunter (4), and he is leaving Congress! Yay!! In the fifth slot this week is our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates (5) and this week, we’re going to ask the question “is your boss a psychopath?”. Do you view the movie “Horrible Bosses” as a comedy or a documentary? We will let you be the judge! And in the sixth slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week our resident pastor is alarmed at an event that took place in Virginia called the “Movement Conference” (make your own jokes) that aims to tear down walls of separation of church and state, and he will take these so-called “Prayer Warriors” to task. In the seventh slot this week is a new “Beating A Dead Horse” (7) – OK so Melania Trump is on an anti-bullying campaign and conservatives and has-been celebrities can’t help but harp on Time Magazine’s person of the year Greta Thunberg. Is it OK? No. And in the 8th slot this week is a segment that originally appeared in our big British edition “What’s Up With The Royal Family?” (8), and Megan and Harry are set to leave the Royals, and head for the States. We will tell you what that means. Taking the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is an all new People Are Dumb, because of course they are! And finally this week, in our 2020 voters’ guide, Keeping Up With The Candidates, just whose side are Andrew Yang fans on? We will analyze the burgeoning candidate and let you find out for yourself! And the palate cleanser for all this, some live music from the awesome Foals! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Here’s the thing – you elect a republican, you’re going to go to war. That’s about as basic of a statement as you’re going to get. Trump and the military industrial complex want a war with Iran, and they’re going to give it to us whether we want it or not. Because why? There’s profit to be made in war, peace is boring and not profitable for weapons manufacturers. Where’s Tony Stark when you need him? He managed to privatize peace. But over New Year’s, Trump nearly brought us to the brink of not just a war with Iran, but with World War III. And it’s having some serious consequences. So just how bad was the killing of Soleimani and what are the consequences of it? Well…

Donald Trump on Saturday drew what may come to be seen as the most significant red line of his presidency in a three-part tweet, vowing specific military action against Iran if it "strikes any Americans, or American assets."

"We have ... targeted 52 Iranian sites (representing the 52 American hostages taken by Iran many years ago), some at a very high level & important to Iran & the Iranian culture" and "if Iran strikes any Americans, or American assets... Iran itself, WILL BE HIT VERY FAST AND VERY HARD," Trump wrote in a series of tweets.

Trump reiterated his warning in a series of tweets early Sunday, saying the United States just spent $2 trillion on military equipment.
"We are the biggest and by far the BEST in the World! If Iran attacks an American Base, or any American, we will be sending some of that brand new beautiful equipment their way...and without hesitation!," he tweeted. "They attacked us, & we hit back. If they attack again, which I would strongly advise them not to do, we will hit them harder than they have ever been hit before!"
https://www.cnn.com/2020/01/04/politics/trump-warning-iran-52-assets/index.html




Man remember the good old days when the mere idea of bombing Iran was just the musings of a creepy old guy singing a Beach Boys song parody?

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Yeah that happened! But now it is not just the musings of a creepy old guy in song format, but it could possibly be a reality, and a reality which we should all be fearful of! Because, that’s our media – fear fear fear fear fear!!! Be afraid!!!





Holy shit!! Yeah he’s going to get a whole bunch of people killed in the process. But remember the terror code list from the Bush era where things were red to green in terms of severity? Well, Trump downgraded the severity of Soleimani’s killing from “imminent threat” to “deterrence”. Despite that the government and citizens of Iran are saying literally the opposite.





I don’t claim to know a lot, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how a red herring works. And now we play the blame game. Who is getting blamed for this? Well since no one reads past the headlines anymore, the US is blaming Iran, and Iran is blaming the US. But Iran doesn’t have a petulant man baby currently holding the highest office in the land. Apparently they haven’t joined the Putin Dictators’ Club yet .I hear there are a few memberships open for that position.





Yeah that’s kind of what the international blame game is like. I would talk more about the horrible plane crash that happened in Baghdad as a result of this, but making fun of that would be beneath us. That said, we can talk about President Man Baby’s revealing of why he killed Soleimani. I mean really this begs the question – did Mar A Lago guests know about the killing before hand? And the other question - WAR! HUH! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR? Absolutely nothing!!! Say it again!!






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[font size="8"]Donald J. Trump
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I’m just going to warn you right now that next week’s Top 10 could have a very different attitude depending on the outcome of the impeachment trial. Right now I’m expecting that the Senate will vote not to go through with impeachment and conviction which means that we will most likely be in a “fuck everything mood”. On the other hand if they surprise us, we will be in a “pop the champagne” mood. So that said, since Trump nearly brought us to the brink of World War III to distract from impeachment, how is that sitting with Congress and most particularly Adam Schiff? Well, let’s find out how well it’s going.





Where is Thanos? Can we just snap with the Infinity Stones and erase the last 3 years? Or can we snap forward 5 years? What? That’s not how it works? The question now is whether or not John Bolton is going to testify at the big senate hearing. The strange thing is that we never, not once ever, thought that Mitt Romney would be the voice of reason when the opposing party has become a dangerous and scary cult.





I don’t know why we’re using Endgame GIFs, but really it does feel like the end of a very long and strange trip doesn’t it? But apparently now Nancy Pelosi says that there’s a new “truckload” of evidence that suggests that Trump did the deed of asking the Ukraine to dig up dirt on Biden even though it’s a completely baseless and bullshit conspiracy theory. How’s that going?





Yeah…well why do we let Russia get away with anything? Since the 1980s, Russia has consistently produced nothing but bad for society. Hell, even before the 80s, it was pretty well known that Russia was the Loki to the USA’s Thor. But you know next week is our Straw Poll Special, and with the Straw Poll happening in Iowa like it always does, how does impeachment fly there?



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[font size="8"]Brexit Goes Through
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Last week while the rest of the world was sleeping and Trump was rage-tweeing whatever his brain barfed while he was on the toilet, his doppleganger, Boris Johnson got to work with the newly elected, ultra conservative British Parliament, and got to work on derailing Europe’s economy. Yes, after the glorious clusterfuck of the last 3 years watching the British government absolutely implode, Brexit is going to be a reality and we have exactly two weeks before it takes effect! So just what can you expect from this latest shit show? Well we’re going to be hearing a lot about it in the last 10 days.





That is a good point, sir. But I’m sensing a pattern here. The people who want Brexit are the same as the people who want Catalan separated from Spain. Who are the same people who are bringing white supremacy back to Italy. Who are the same people who elected Bolsonaro in Brazil and Erdogan in Turkey. And… the same people who want Johnson and Trump! I figured it out! The entire planet is sinking into a right wing hell hole! Sit back and watch the show, boys and girls, it’s gonna get ugly!





Except none of this is good! I mean come on, in 3 and a half years that the planet has been turned upside down and flipped toward the right wing hell hole we’re vast descending into, should anyone be surprised at this? Anyone? Well, just wait until you see how much Brexit is already destroying the British economy – and we’re not even 15 days out from it taking full effect!





Holy shit!!! Hey, I thought conservatives hated wasteful government spending! It’s only a mere $260 billion, that’s what, half an Amazon? But really conservatives are going to keep digging their own holes, and the sad thing is that they will blame this on liberals, because reasons. But let’s listen to actual MEPs who may hold grave warnings about what’s ahead for Europe. But why should they listen?






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[font size="8"]Duncan Hunter
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One of the stupidest political scandals we’ve seen in quite some time come from San Diego’s Duncan Hunter. Remember when he got caught spending ungodly amounts of campaign money for personal expenses (see: Idiots #5-10). And it got to be quite the stuff of insanity especially when he spent $600 transporting his pet rabbit on a Southwest flight. Yeah that’s a thing that happened. Well, Duncan Hunter is no longer going to be an elected representative from California. And we can’t be the first to say “Bye! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!”.





Yes, ha ha indeed! But here’s the weird thing about this – Gov. Newsome hasn’t stated that he wants to hold an election to replace Hunter. And San Diego is a pretty heavily republican district, and we’re really not sure why. We suspect that Mr. Hunter only got elected because not enough people showed up to the election to vote on his replacement. So who is vying to replace him?





Yes, stay classy San Diego, but now that the dust has settled, where does the blame lie? You could probably blame the voters because they fall for the classic textbook definition of insanity. Which as you know is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So why is Hunter’s seat remaining vacant for a year? Well the answers are not as easy as you might think.







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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Really Horrible Bosses
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



You might think that your boss is the worst boss out there. But the idea of bosses being psychopaths is nothing new. Whether it happens in a dark comedy or it happens in real life, the dangers of your boss being a horrible person are not only a much more common occurrence, you could right now be employed by one. And the more likely a person is to be anti-social and reckless with their behavior, the more likely they are to be employed on the higher ranks of the corporate ladder. And the overall statistics are more alarming than you might think. It’s not just your boss, one out of 3 tend to be psychopaths and engage in inappropriate behavior.





But bosses shouldn’t be mocking people for calling their grandmother “gam gam”. However, just like being in an abusive relationship, being in a horrible work relationship may be detrimental to your overall health. Psychopaths, like Donald Trump or Mr. Burns from the Simpsons, for instance, thrive under a certain kind of leadership, and it’s the kind that those of us who aren’t leaders are the ones that everyone else hates.





So you cringing at staying at work a few extra hours late, or doing things that your boss orders you to do, is perfectly normal. It’s your boss who is the one who isn’t. So how do you look for signs that your boss might be a psychopath? Well one of the clues might lie in his e-mails that he sends not only to you but to the whole company. Just watch for certain keywords.





And that is usually the ultimate goal of a CEO is to squash the competition. But just like any movie where the boss is the bad guy, in the end they will all get their just desserts. You may have to answer to your boss, but even your boss has to answer to his boss, and ultimately isn’t that where it all leads in the end?





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.





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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of Amherst! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Are you a “prayer warrior”? Well of course you are, you’re attending my church after all! But the reason why I ask is that there was an event in Virginia last week. We did not attend, instead we watched the live stream. But it was very alarming. The higher ends of this church were alarmed that the Christian right wants to tear down the separation of church and state. That’s the very thing keeping this country from becoming a totalitarian hell hole. These people are determined to break down the things that keep America a free country. The event in question is called the “Movement 2020” conference. Come on, this should be called the “Gathering Of The Deplorables”. These people are organized, they are armed, and they are angry!





Now these are some very dangerous groups who preach where the highest levels of government are present. What are they trying to accomplish? What is their motive? Well when you peel back the layers of this insane event, their motive becomes far more shockingly clear. And if you guessed it’s the opposite of what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want, well, you might be right. Take for instance, one of our favorite groups, One Million Moms, they were there.





Yeah seriously come on!!! They give us shit for being snowflakes but they can’t even hear the word “damn”?? That’s a shocking level of hypocrisy from the Prayer Warrior movement. And that’s certainly not what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want. In fact let’s examine the Prayer Warrior movement a bit further. These people are not on our side. Instead, they worship the unholy, ungodly Dark One, whose name shall not be spoken in my church!





That he does! And his name is someone who I shall not say in my church, because he currently occupies the highest office in the land!! These Prayer Warriors are not out to change America or the world for the better, they’re only making it worse! So much worse! If you want a rundown of some of the attendees in this conference, just look at how their “harvest of souls” even t went, and who was in attendance.





Except that doesn’t have any relevance to what we’re talking about. Or maybe it does. But really “Harvest Of Souls”? “Prayer, praise and prophecy?” Are they starting a religious movement or a heavy metal concert? Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:





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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Conservatives Vs Greta Thunberg
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While we were taking our much needed break during the holidays, we missed Time Magazine naming 16 year old Swedish environmental activist and social media darling Greta Thunberg as their Person Of The Year. And conservatives lost their collective minds over this. Not to mention Trump has his head up his ass on this subject. But the fact that Trump didn’t get the award and lost his shit over it, really shows where Trump’s head is at in 2020. Come on, we’re just 15 days into the year. It’s going to be a really long year, people. So why do conservatives have such a beef with a 16 year old environmental activist? Is it because she’s out there making it happen while they’re sitting on their computers doing absolutely nothing about it but complaining? Sounds about par for the course.





I’ll do anything for loooooooooooooove, but I don’t care about facts! Ah, that doesn’t have the same ring to it doesn’t it? But really Greta, the first thing you should remember in the social media is that this is the era of the troll. And I’m not even going to say what Sebastian Gorka called her, you can Google that one yourself. Because, fuck that guy. Anyway Greta, don’t feed the troll. Just don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it…





Ah you fed the trolls why did you do that??? You can’t win a guy like Meatloaf over with facts. It’s pretty well known that since the Trump train attracts has-been celebrities that he’s a solid contender for a D-list republican. But let’s expand on feeding the trolls a bit. In the social media era, people have been compelled to bully children because reasons. Just ask the Parkland Survivors. It’s a phenomenon that really needs to be addressed.





That is a good question sir! And that is coming from the President Of The United States by the way. Yes, the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES sent an insulting tweet to a teenage climate change activist. And the Trumpsters are apparently OK with that. And children aren’t the only ones who are being targeted, look at someone like Lizzo who had a meltdown last week after some vicious trolling. Can we stop it with this shit already? Just don’t feed the trolls!






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[font size="8"]What’s Up With The Royals?
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Just when you think our government can’t get any crazier, the British come along and say “hold my pint of Boddington’s!”. As American looking to engage in a bit of schadenfreude, you can’t help but marvel at the mystical clusterfuck that is the Royal Family. Mystical Clusterfuck, by the way, just got added to Coachella night #2. Anyway, the last time we explored what the Windsors were up to was in our Big British Edition (see Idiots #5-23. The other baffling thing is that here in America, we laugh and mock the supermarket tabloids mercilessly, because they’re full of ridiculously stupid shit. In England? They have so much power that they control the narrative. And they control the narrative so much that they’re actually manipulating the Royals. Which is why Harry and Meghan just said “fuck it”. And you know what Harry? We don’t blame you one bit.





Damn they have some wacky traditions don’t they? And the weird thing about this story is that the level of bullying from the supermarket tabloids against Meghan and Harry varies depending on who is doing the reporting. But this is never OK under any circumstances and we know how this ends unfortunately, so there is that.





And seriously, wrong wedding by the way. If our British friends happen to be watching, keep in mind that the people responsible for our GIFs in this segment have been sacked. Although I mean could you imagine working for a company like Paribas or Chase or Deloitte and having Harry Sussex being your cube mate? Wouldn’t that be just such a mind blower? But Mr. and Mrs. Sussex may want to take a step back before figuring out their tax situation. See in the UK they take taxes a lot more seriously than we do in the US.





Still not the Royal Family but that will do. But things are getting serious with the Royals and this Megexit strategy. Is it Megexit? Or is it Megharexit? Let’s go with Megexit. But just like the actual Brexit, things are getting serious in Merry Ol’ England. So serious that even Parliament is having a say into why this Meghan and Harry thing needs to be resolved and resolved quickly. But yeah we’re not hearing the end of this anytime soon and we will keep you informed!






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. And I love these stories because we could do 100 of them every single week and they would be all different, and they would be all crazy. So who is dumb this week? Well I want to start with this story out of Bridgeport, Pennsylvania where a guy stole a whole bunch of merchandise from a CVS and then came up with an absolutely bonkers excuse for the police as to why he had all the stolen goods in his pants. But at least he saved a few thousand trees for printing one CVS receipt. Hey, they are that long. Yes, that’s what she said. But let’s hear the guy’s excuse.





I’m going to start using that excuse. “Hey these aren’t my pants!!”. Next up – we are going to Amish country in Michigan. Yes, even the Amish are not immune from stupidity. And we’ve had so many different types of DUIs featured in “People Are Dumb”. We’ve had DUI on a lawnmower, we’ve had DUI on bicycles. We’ve had DUIs on horses, and now we have DUI on a horse-driven carriage. And surprisingly it’s more common than you might thing.





Yes they are! Next up – I think this might be the all drunk edition of People Are Dumb because we’re going to Oklahoma for this next story. But here’s what I want to know – how do you drive a pickup truck with a sleeping passenger and a goat across state lines without the goat making some noise? Goats are assholes when it comes to that sort of thing and they don’t like to be disturbed. So this story raises a whole bunch of questions!



https://imgur.com/gallery/WniV1SM

Yeah that was a goat! Next up of course we can’t get out of here without mentioning America’s most penis-shaped state, the great state of Florida, because Florida never ceases to bring the crazy week after week after week. And this story involves a man and a dog. Except the dog in question happened to be a police dog, and the guy in question happened to be naked and high on meth. Or as they call it in Northern Florida, Tuesday.





Yeah you don’t provoke a police dog under any circumstances. Finally for this week – we go to Louisiana, yes, Looooooooooooooosiana has their fair share of stupid people. Not all of them who live in the Gulf Coast live in Florida. But this might be one of the stupidest drug users that we’ve ever seen here. If the cops pull you over, maybe don’t hide your stash in such an obvious place!





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Keeping Up With The Candidates Ep.
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Welcome back to our 2020 voters’ guide “Keeping Up With The Candidates”! We’re going to keep this up all the way through the election, save for when we start Stupidest State in March. But our voters’ guide is designed to keep all of our information about the 2020 election in one place – whether it’s the candidates or the issues, you can find it here! Last week, we talked about the dropouts and we would discuss the end of Cory Booker’s campaign, but instead we’re going to talk this week about one of the unsung heroes of the 2020 campaign and that is businessman Andrew Yang. But his followers, on the other hand, are almost kind of like a cult. So what are they after? What do they want? We will examine these things.





Well, easy answer to that question is a resounding “NO!”. I mean come on we’re a mere 3 fucking weeks away from Iowa and we have to unseat Trump, and everything is an absolute mess right now. That said, we need a front runner. While Cory Booker ended his campaign, Trump is attacking anyone and everyone who dares to question him. But the “Yang Gang” as they’re called, are ready to fight back! I mean they are hopping mad.





Well let’s hope that it doesn’t come to that. But that’s why Andrew Yang is so popular! His fans want to get paid! And seriously who doesn’t with skyrocketing rent and student loans? We need some dolla dolla bills y’all!!! But there is some good news – as the Yang Gang is getting hot at the right time, they have picked up a celebrity endorsement! And that is from our good friend Childish Gambino!





See that kids? You want to hang with the cool people, vote Dem. You want to hang with white supremacists, sexless losers, doomsday preppers, and angry assholes, vote Trump. So Donald Glover is down with the Yang Gang but his list of celebrity endorsements doesn’t stop there. Trump picks up who? Kid Rock? Ted Nugent? Bill O’Reilly? On the other hand Dem candidates like Andrew Yang can pick up endorsements like these.





[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

Next week we’re one week away from the Iowa Straw Poll and we’ll offer our big preview and what you can expect. The road to the DNC 2020 continues!



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Foals[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen my next guest is an awesome British band, they have a great new double album out called “Everything Not Saved Will Be Lost”, playing their song “Exits”, give it up for Foals!




Thank you U-Mass! We had an awesome time! We are off to Georgetown in fabulous Washington DC next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: University of Massachusetts, Amherst
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: U-Mass Choir Club, Amherst, MA
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
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HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Foals Appear Courtesy Of: Warner Music Group
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
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Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

January 8, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-1: Living In A Mobster's Paradise Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #8-1: Living In A Mobster’s Paradise Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up Syracuse? How you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! It’s a new year, I hope everyone is refreshed from the holidays. And I hope that everyone loses the weight that they gained from eating all the holiday sweets! What? I’m just saying it happens! Miss, give it a chance, I just got up here. For those of you viewing at home there’s people already leaving! We still have an hour! Plus we got some awesome live music to start us off with from Anti-Flag. You know we here at the Top 10 like to provide job opportunities, and we’ve got one for you right now. Yes, we’re channeling our inner job service provider here. What’s the job? Oh only driving the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile as a “brand ambassador”. Now don’t make jokes yet, but it’s easier to get into an Ivy League than it is to drive the Weinermobile,. I’m guessing because it’s a very long vehicle and difficult to drive through tunnels. But you get to be a “brand ambassador”, whatever that is, But you get to drive the country in the Weinermobile, how cool is that? OK yeah my inner 5 year old is cheering this, but whatever. Hey at least you get a job where it pays to travel! OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first Stephen Colbert is back (yay!!!) and dives head first into the possibility of World War III:



I got to be honest here, we had a much different edition planned before the shit show with Iran started taking place. In the first slot this week of course whenever the Top 10 is on an extended break, we always like to catch up on stuff we missed (1), and because our president is such a loose cannon, anything can happen in this topsy-turvy world in which we live. In the second slot this week, did the guy who we currently call president, Donald J. Trump (2) inadvertently start World War III? Well we as a society need to take a step back and collectively pull each other’s heads out of our asses. Taking the third slot this week is also Donald J. Trump (3). And we have to recap his black tie New Year’s Eve at Mar-A-Shithole, and well, it might be the worst red carpet ever. Taking the fourth slot this week is one of our favorite segments on natural and man-made disasters – “We’re All Gonna Die!!!” and for this one we’re going to do a Choose Your Own Adventure style for this one – are we going to die in horrifying fires or nuclear winter? The choice is yours! Taking the fifth slot this week is of course our weekly investigative piece, “Top 10 Investigates” (5), and this week we’re going to take a look at plastic bag bans – do they work and how effective are they? In the #6 slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6), and WTF, people. Our resident pastor is back from vacation and he sees that the insane prophecy among the Trump hardcore known as “Q” has become self-aware, and yeah it’s insane. Taking the 7th slot this week we have a new “Beating A Dead Horse” (7) and this week, there’s some extreme celebrity trolling happing and it’s getting ugly no matter if you’re the troll or you’re getting trolled. At slot #8 this week is a new edition of one of our favorite segments – “This Fucking Guy” and this week’s profile is a guy who is a rising star among conservatives, and that is recently pardoned war hero / criminal Edward Gallagher (8) and if you guessed that he’s a bad guy, well, you’re not wrong. And in the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new People Are Dumb (9) and of course on New Year’s there’s no shortage of incredibly stupid people. Finally this week, our 2020 voters’ guide, Keeping Up With The Candidates, is going to take a look at the latest people to drop out of the 2020 race including Julian Castro and Bill DeBlasio, and you might be wondering who the hell are these guys? Well, so do the rest of us! And what better way to start 2020 than with a band whose new album is called “2020 Vision”? That’s right, our good friends Anti-Flag will be joining us! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Catch Up On Stuff We Missed
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Happy New Year everybody!!! Whew!!! It is good to be back! How was your holidays and New Year’s? I hope they were good. Since we were out for almost a month, whenever the Top 10 is on an extended break, we like to catch up on stuff we missed. Because this is a ridiculous world we live in, fueled by social media, where everything crazy happens on an almost hourly basis, and there’s no off switch, none whatsoever. Which means that we miss some absolutely batshit crazy stuff. Like for instance Trump almost declaring World War III, which we will get to in a minute. Let’s lighten things up a bit, you know, the calm before the storm. Let’s start with the Home Alone 2 outrage. Yeah that was a thing that happened.





Yeah so that happened. Then is there anything that the Trumps don’t make super weird or creepy, I mean anything? Just take a look at Donald Trump Jr.’s Christmas gift. Now don’t boo yet – yes he got an assault rifle that had Hillary’s picture in prison with it. Fitting because he’ll be the one most likely going to prison in the near future. And we’re not going to show it because we don’t want to encourage this kind of behavior. That said…





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! This might be the worst Christmas gift ever. I was going to talk about how Matt Bevin pardoned that rapist, but then again we’re trying to keep things light around here, this is a comedy show after all! I do have to talk about what may be the most Florida conservative of all Florida conservative events – there’s a convention now that women pay good money to go listen to male lecturers man ‘splain stuff to them. Yes that’s a thing that exists!


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Seriously, is 1960s James Bond one of the keynote speakers? The last thing I want to catch up on is Meat Loaf vs Greta Thunberg. Yes, you know Meatloaf as the perfectly sane and rational singer from Celebrity Apprentice.



Yeah whew, I would not want to get on that guy’s bad side, he seems like he could be a future serial killer, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he already has skeletons in his closet. Don’t worry, we’ll expand on this topic in next week’s “Beating A Dead Horse”. But for now there’s this.






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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If there’s one person who we don’t need at the helm of these great United States of ours during a time of potential war, it’s Donald J. Trump. Because when it comes to choices, he doesn’t always pick the one that would cause the least amount of chaos. He’s more like the Joker. He doesn’t have any rhyme or reason to anything he does. He just wants to cause chaos. And that is his specialty. He’s the most unstable individual we’ve ever had serving in the Oval Office, and when it comes to war, as Commander In Chief, Trump will almost always take the most extreme position. It’s as if they gave him 5 choices and he just picked one at random like in the Simpsons Movie.





Holy shit!!! Not only does Trump murder the second in command in Iran, and threatens to attack their country’s cultural sites, he doubles down on that shit! Wouldn’t that be enough to tell the MAGAs that he’s not the right guy for the job? He’s going to get a whole lot of people killed in the process and they may not be limited to just the military. And what the fuck is he talking about? Man, remind the Idiots that we should never take a break that long ever again!





Yeah so it’s going to be kind of like that. Hey everyone we’re all gonna die! And yes we’re going to get to that segment in a few minutes. And come on, if there’s one thing that Trump knows, its’ sizes. And in particular sizes of his male organ… er, army. And he’s warning Iran that if they retaliate against the US, be prepared to suffer the consequences! Holy shit, we really are gonna die aren’t we?





That guy seems awfully confident about that doesn’t he? But we really might need the panicked guy after this because this is no murder, it’s going to have serious consequences that are going to last decades, maybe even centuries. And the last thing the Middle East needs is more instability. You know it takes a lifetime to build a reputation and some jackass with a wrecking ball can come and knock it down in a matter of seconds. Well, Donald J. Trump is just that jackass!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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New Year’s Eve was on a Tuesday this year. Yeah really, what the fuck? I know we can’t change the course of nature, but can New Year’s take place on Fridays every year? Well we’re going to talk about one New Year’s Eve party in particular and that was the huge Mar-A-Lago bash that Trump held in Miami to celebrate the new year that is 2020. And man, does anyone have a happier New Year than Donald J. Trump does? The guy looks like he’s constantly pissed off at everything and anything. Let’s take a look at the guest list for this shindig. This might be the worst red carpet ceremony ever.





Actually you might be wrong. But with guests like these, this is quite the mix. You have gangsters, mobsters, and for some reason Rudy Giuliani keeps getting invited to things.

https://twitter.com/dumptrump33/status/1212392748726267904

Seriously this might be the worst red carpet ever - nothing but mobsters, criminals, and MAGAs. Eh, whatever, we’re just living in a mobster’s paradise. Been spending most our lives living in a mobster’s paradise! Yeah that’s my Coolio chunk, because I know what’s hip and cool, damn it! And I mean come on, let's face it, this is what happens when your fashion designer has the same taste as your interior decorator. Who wore it better - her or the drapes? And then there was this guy.





And that’s why you don’t make deals with the Mafia. Although if you kiss Don Trump’s ass enough you might get an invite to his NYE bash. And come on, who cuts loose more than Donald J. Trump does? He seems like he’s constantly unhappy. I don’t need to remind you of what happened when he went to his first CPAC convention (see: Top 10 #3-5 ). But this might be the craziest part of his NYE – ever feel like there’s people who know more than you when a major event happens? Well Trump may have breached a whole shit ton of government protocols by showing this video to his Mar-A-Lago guests.






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[font size="8"]We’re All Gonna Die
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Hey everyone guess what? We’re all gonna die! Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!! Woooooooooo!!! Wooooooo. Woo. Of course I say this every time that devastating wildfires or impending nuclear Armageddon are in the news, but there’s actually a couple of ways that we could die this week and for that we’re doing this in a “choose your own adventure” style format. Yes, remember those books that you loved as a kid? Well now they’re being used to determine your own death. Yes, sleep tight everybody! So how could you possibly literally die in a fire this week? Well we’re not making fun of the horror in Down Under just yet, instead we’re going to let this play out a bit.





Hey hey hey, we don’t need to give that kid any matches. Though that may be too far off, now before we go any further, do we want to continue with what’s happening in Australia or do we switch to what’s happening in Iran? You’re choosing Iran? Great, let’s run with it. Yes Trump’s gone and screwed the pooch with US – Middle Eastern relations. But guess what? If the fires don’t kill us, a giant fiery nuclear apocalypse might!





Ok so before we go any further, stick with the nuclear apocalypse or do we go back to the Australia fires? Let’s stick with the fires? Great, let’s run with it! Well whenever disaster strikes you can always count on charities ready to help, and scammers to take some of that hard earned money away from legitimate charities. And you can also find creative ways to help get people to donate. Like this!





Well maybe don’t send Homer to Australia anytime soon! So do we talk more about Iran or do we continue with the fires? Fires? So it turns out that people are dicks! You know the reason why Australia is burning? Well after hearing this news, you’ll probably want Iran to accelerate its’ nuclear program because, not only are people dicks, they’re intentional dicks making a mockery of how much our planet is truly fucked. Bring on the apocalypse! Wait, that’s not the official Top 10 position? Fine.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Plastic Bag Ban
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



Plastic bags and Styrofoam containers may soon be history. In fact since California enacted their plastic bag ban, new states have since joined California in that practice. Those states include New York, Massachusetts, Oregon, and New Jersey, and even Mexico City is now joining in the mix. But just how effective are the plastic bag bans? Do they work? Do they not work? In fact here’s how one town in New Jersey is dealing with the effects of a recently enacted plastic bag ban. And that is, you’d better stock up on your reusable shopping bags, or you’re gonna have a bad time. We learned that her e in California the hard way.





That was the movie “American Beauty”. But in reality the plastic bag bans are reshaping how goods are consumed because now consumers have to think how they’re going to get their packaged goods home after shopping. Take a look at what’s happening in Mexico City, it’s not just forcing customers to purchase reusable bags, some are even finding creative ways to think outside of the box, or bag in this case.





Don’t try that at home, we’re not encouraging this sort of thing here. But as far as plastic bag bans go, this is one of those things that helps to know before you go. Because otherwise this could very well end in disaster and people could be using more plastic bags than the bans originally sought. And if you don’t have plastic bags ready the next time you go to the store, you will either pay for it or you will regret it later on.





Well just because everyone does it, well, this is one thing that everyone else does that you should be doing. But what we are saying is be prepared. Because if you don’t that could end very badly for you the next time you’re in the check out line. but going forward this is what we can expect for the new year and ahead in terms of supporting the environment.





That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of Palo Alto! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation!! I am back and rested and ready to go for the new year that is 2020. Now, the question I have on the table for you is that you ever notice that the people who are the ones who tell celebrities that they should stay out of politics are the ones who make everything about politics? I say this as someone who says that the unholy, ungodly Dark One, whose name shall not be spoken in my church, currently occupies the White House! Now when you cross people who don’t get the Bible with people who don’t get the Constitution of these great United States, you get followers of the prophecy known as Q Anon. But what does the almighty GAWD have to do with the Q Anon prophecy? Well let’s let them explain.



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Conspiracy theorists are an odd bunch and they definitely fit right in with religion. But what has the Q prophecy been doing lately to establish their street cred?



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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: World War III….?
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Oh calm the fuck down people, it’s not World War III yet! Yeah sure, Trump may have ordered an airstrike on an Iranian leader and his entourage after he was getting off a flight in Baghdad, but is the proverbial shit about to hit the fan? Is it really? Well this is one of those instances where we really need to take a step back and pull our collective heads out of each other’s asses. War hasn’t been declared, at least not yet. But social media saw this as the second coming of the apocalypse if you believe end times conspiracy theorists. And nobody should believe them. Because really at this point the only other people who believe conspiracy theorists are well, other conspiracy theorists. And that’s where it gets crazy.





Whoa, hey, calm down man! At least let’s consult the guy in charge to see what he thinks about whether or not we started World War III? Well, we didn’t start it, we may have actually prevented it! At least that’s what Commander In Chief Shit-For-Brains has to say about the subject! If it was to prevent a war, then why are we sending troops over to Iraq and why are people suddenly worried about a draft?





Of course there’s travel advisories going into Iraq! I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to vacation in Baghdad right now? Such a great, stable region that is welcoming to outsiders! And come on, visit there and you’ll even be treated to a nightly fireworks show! At your own risk of course! But is it OK to joke about World War III? Sure, the Trump administration is providing plenty of fodder for comedians, but where’s the outrage? Remember the Joker’s speech in the Dark Knight or George Carlin’s monologue about how you can joke about anything? Yeah it’s kind of like that.





OK so let’s recap. In a span of 24 hours, we went from figuring out whether or not we’re going to ignite World War III, to figuring out whether or not we should make jokes about whether or not it’s socially acceptable to joke about World War III. Social media, you got to love it. And speaking of social media, here’s where things get really crazy. you don’t want to fuck with the war machine and the conservative blood lust right now is out of control. Well, all we can say is don’t buy into the hate machine!






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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Edward Gallagher
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This week’s This Fucking Guy is a rising star among the Trump faithful and that’s a guy that he personally pardoned, Edward Gallagher. Whew, this fucking guy. Is it any wonder why he received a Trump pardon? There’s no one who loves getting his ass kissed more than Trump does, and if you write anything flattering about him, he’ll pardon you even for the most horrifying crimes possible. And never mind that when you do receive a pardon, you don’t get off the hook for it! So what did Gallagher do that was so horrible? Well not only did he murder Iraqi children, well, he also posed with the bodies of the deceased. Yeah that’s a bad guy. But apparently a good guy in Trump’s eyes because Trump sees bad as good. Just how horrible is this guy?





Well, obviously. But let’s go over the rules of the pardon. Just because Trump pardoned a guy doesn’t mean that he’s off the hook. And while he could have pardoned Gallagher for one particular crime doesn’t mean that he’s not completely exonerated. But of course Trump fans won’t know that, instead they only see it as Trump can do no wrong. Or can he?





Holy shit this is one evil dude. And I mean really we can’t make any references that would make this funny, so we’re not going to go there. Really, he’s the bad guy. Thank you random audience member, duh! Timing is the key to comedy. But seriously even his superiors that turned him in say that Edward Gallagher is one really bad dude. You really can’t get much more evil than random stabbing, and I’ve seen Barry. But Edward Gallagher is no Barry, Barry has charisma. Edward Gallagher is just an evil asshole with a murderous complex. Which really shows you who the right loves.





Well obviously. So the right loves them some murderers, criminals and crooks. Which makes Edward Gallagher the perfect candidate to join their ranks. But this might be my favorite part of the whole thing – you know what he’s using his newfound fame for? To hawk merchandise! Yes, he’s using his presidential pardon to hawk his lifestyle brand! OMG, this couldn’t get any better!





Woooohooo!!! Got me a presidential pardon, now time to go hawk some t-shirts and crappy nutritional supplements! That’s Edward Gallagher – this week’s This Fucking Guy.




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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Hey everyone it’s our first new People Are Dumb of the year! Of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb. Of course we’ve been off for a few weeks so we missed all the Christmas and New Years fails. I always love People Are Dumb stories and I feel like during the holidays people are extra dumb. Especially on New Year’s when you combine copious amounts of alcohol with people shooting guns wildly in the air. When that happens, you know deep down that something bad and/or stupid is taking place. To start with, let’s start with this weird story out of Oklahoma. I mean seriously? We’re only 4 hours into the calendar year that is 2020 but yeah let’s let the story do the talking!





Oh come on of course things are going to get weird when you get meth and a gun involved. Because we are the country that is dedicated to making sure that idiots get guns. And speaking of idiots with guns, we go to America’s most penis-shaped state, Florida. Yes, Florida never ceases to bring the crazy extra hard and they’re the one state that is making sure that the most idiots get the most guns. Which is when you get stories like this.





Well, definitely compensating for something! Next up, we go to Texas. See, here’s the thing – young boys like to light things on fire. And I say this since I was one at one point. But that said, even if you’re playing with something as innocent as a magnifying glass, you should do so with adult supervision, because if there’s not a fire extinguisher handy, things could end very badly.





Yeah you should probably lead with “no one was injured” next time! Next up – we go back to the Sunshine State, and I love seeing stories of when people go batshit crazy at fast food restaurants. I mean give me a story about a guy who pulls a gun because McDonalds ran out of chicken nuggets and I’m in faster than a McDonalds commercial airs! And this particularly story centers around a guy who took Burger King’s slogan of “have it your way” just a little too literally!





Finally this week – you know sometime we really need to do a special all guns edition of People Are Dumb because there’s a lot of idiots with guns out there. And one place you probably shouldn’t be packing heat? A Victoria’s Secret. I mean unless the thought of guns and hot women in skimpy lingerie turns you on, whatever floats your boat!





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Keeping Up With The Candidates Ep. 18: The Dropouts
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Welcome back to our 2020 Voters’ Guide, Keeping Up With The Candidates! Hey we can’t say that we’re monitoring next year’s election because next year’s election is now this year’s election! Yes, we are moving stead fast into the 2020 election. Iowa is just four weeks away. Holy shit, when I started the Top 10, it was the 2016 election. Never did I think this thing would last a whole presidential term! Anyway, when we left off last year, we were telling you why you should be deeply concerned about the British election results. But the choices of candidates are getting narrower and narrower. This week we’re going to take a look at the two most recent dropouts of the campaign – current New York City mayor Bill DeBlasio and Texas Rep. Julian Castro. But really you were probably asking yourself “Wait – these guys were running?”. And really we don’t have a funny answer for that.





Yeah that may be, it looks like it’s going to be another round of aging white men. Yes, I saw that Adam Sandler sketch from last year. But what is it going to take for us to break out of that mold? We elect one black guy to the presidency and half the damn country loses their minds! And for most of these people, that’s not really much of a stretch. But now that that has been said, what is Julian’s next step?





Woohoo, now we’re talking! Switching gears, we’re going to talk about the mayor of New York, Bill DeBlasio, and why his campaign failed. Was it because he sold out quickly? No. Was it because he was using NYPD officers to provide security? Probably. Or was it because New York City mayors have famously bailed on campaigns going all the way back to the 1920s? Ding ding ding!!!





Oh come on, at the very least we can round up all the city’s trash and hurl it into the sun. So I get all of my solutions from animated shows. Sue me. But let’s go back to that security thing, that is something that could be a problem for Bill down the road. Maybe that’s why he bailed? Because that could be a serious problem for both him and the NYPD down the road.





[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

Next week we’re going to poll some of your favorite candidates and where they stand on a possible war with Iran. Controversy alert!!



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Anti-Flag[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest of 2020 has a new album coming out on Jan. 17th called “2020 Vision”, you can see them on tour through May 30th including a stop at the Punk Rock Bowling festival in Vegas on May 30th. Playing their song “Hate Conquers All”, give it up for Anti-Flag!




Thank you Syracuse! This was fun! We are off to Amherst, MA and the University Of Massachusetts next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Houston Improv, Houston, TX
Special Thanks To: Improv Group
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: UCLA Choir Club, Westwood, CA
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
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Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Anti-Flag Appear Courtesy Of: Universal Music Group
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
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Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

January 2, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots: The Complete 8th Season

Top 10 Conservative Idiots: The Complete 8th Season

Season 7: https://www.democraticunderground.com/100212164633
Season 6: https://www.democraticunderground.com/100211623942
Season 5: https://www.democraticunderground.com/100210720590
Season 4: https://www.democraticunderground.com/100210083764
Season 3: https://www.democraticunderground.com/100210008235
Season 2: https://www.democraticunderground.com/10029078791
Season 1: https://www.democraticunderground.com/1016169212

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! This is our handy guide to each episode and edition of the wacky things that the conservative and religious right are up to every week. Just like the previous seasons, this one will keep an updated look at each edition as they get posted and a brief summary of every entry, and all of our buffoonery and craziness. Plus all of your favorite segments are back like How Is This Still A Thing, This Fucking Guy, Top 10 Investigates, The Trumper Games, Beating A Dead Horse, and we will also be introducing some new segments this year! Also, since this is an even numbered season that means that it runs from January - May and that means that it's the return of our Stupidest State contest! Yes, the NFFSA is back for our fourth season and all your favorites will be there with some newcomers looking to vie for the much coveted DeLay Trophy! This year's contest looks to be even bigger and badder than the last 3 years, and it's an election year so expect that the mud will be flinging even further than normal! New year,, same idiocy! That said, here's our guide to all the editions that will be coming your way through our traditional Memorial Day break. Enjoy! And as always don't forget the key!

Edition #8-1: Living In A Mobster's Paradise Edition (1/8/20)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100212854079

Live from Syracuse! As is tradition, whenever the Top 10 is off for an extended period of time, we like to play catch up on stuff we missed which includes the latest on the impeachment scandal and other conservative lunacy. And 2020 is already two days old and there's talk of World War III after the assassination of Iranian leader Qassem Soleimani prompts blood lust from the right and concern from the left. Trump's New Year's Eve bash at Mar-A-Lago had the usual cabal of criminals and mobsters, and Trump endorsed that guy he pardoned. We also have a new edition of "We're All Gonna Die" which takes a look at the latest on the Australian wildfires and some Christmas earthquakes in California. Yeah we're probably all gonna die. And in our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates, we're going to take a look at plastic bag bans in California and Mexico, and just how effective are they? Plus in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10, our resident pastor is going to take a look at the religious side of the insane prophecy known as Qanon - and yeah, he's got some thoughts on the subject. In "Beating A Dead Horse" - after the assassination of Soleimani, we're going to ask the question - "Is it too soon to heed calls that World War III has started?", to which we answer "NO! Read a damn history book and chill out, people!!". Plus we're going to take a look at the Trump's latest pardon - Navy Seal and *alleged* child murderer Edward Gallagher in a new installment of "This Fucking Guy". P Plus we have a special New Year's Eve edition of "People Are Dumb", because of course they are! And in our 2020 voters' guide "Keeping Up With The Candidates", we're taking a look at the latest dropouts from the campaign which includes Julian Castro and Bill DeBlasio. Wait, he was running?
Live Musical Guest: Anti-Flag

Edition #8-2: War, What Is It Good For? Edition (1/15/20)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100212873444

Live From U-Mass Amherst! So just how close are we to World War III? Congress wants to limit Trump's war powers in the wake of the Suleimani death, while a terrifying plane crash in the Ukraine is terrifying investigators. Back at home, Nancy Pelosi is getting closer and closer to turning the impeachment case over to the Senate, but Mitch McConnell is refusing to play fairly, as par for the course with the GOP. Meanwhile, across the pond, everyone's worst fears are realized as the political and economic disaster known as Brexit is now a reality, and we can tell you what to expect when you travel overseas. Duncan Hunter's reign of terror is finally over as he leaves Congress, so what happens next? And in our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates, we're going to take a look at psychopaths - is your boss one of them? Do you view Horrible Bosses as a comedy or a documentary? We will find out! And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit" - our resident pastor is going to take a look at "prayer warriors" - and he's on the red carpet for the "Movement 2020" conference - which aims to throw all laws of separation of church and state out the window! Be afraid. In "Beating A Dead Horse" - our FLOTUS, Melania Trump says that it's OK for her husband to bully Greta Thunberg because she's a "public figure" so is it open season? Hell no! And we take a look at the latest developments with the Royal Family in our segment "What's Up With The Royals?" as Megan and Harry plan their exit from Buckingham Palace and head for greener pastures. We also have a new People Are Dumb because of course they are! And in our 2020 voters' guide, Keeping Up With The Candidates, we're going to take a look at fans of burgeoning candidate Andrew Yang - whose side are they on? Controversy alert!
Live Musical Guest: Foals

Edition #8-3: Viva Lev Parnas Edition (1/22/20)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100212898319

Live from Georgetown! Did Rachel Maddow uncover the missing link between Donald Trump and Marie Yavanovitch in the Russian scandal? Well Lev Parnas could be the key to unraveling the Russia scandal and there may be a lot more players involved! Meanwhile, in Russia, as Trump's boss Vladimir Putin is on his own after Russia's PM Dimitry Medvedev and nearly the entire Russian government quits as Putin attempts to expand his power! In the Trump world, while the Democratic debate was going on, Trump went to Milwaukee to once again barf his brain and this time he spouted some crazy nonsense about kitchen appliances and light bulbs. The sports world has been rocked by the stunning accusations that the Houston Astros' manager Alex Cora cheated his way to back-to-back World Series wins and the scandal may be more horrible than the headlines would have you believe! In our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates, a new lawsuit against sleep apnea provider ResMed uncovered some really aggressive marketing strategies, but the entire industry might be suspect! And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", our resident pastor has been obsessed with Dave Daubenmire's podcast "Pass The Salt" and he will go through some of the more absolutely insane bits from the show! And in "Beating A Dead Horse", should celebrities be allowed to express political opinions? Everyone from Stephen King to Jon Voight to Vince Vaughn have been expressing theirs, and it's getting insane. And in another edition of "NO!", politicians are once again being asked by musicians not to use their songs for political purposes. This time, the band REM tells Trump that he can't use their song "Everybody Hurts". In our first "I Need A Drink" of 2020, robots were the big thing at this year's Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, and we will go through some of the best / worst of them! Finally in our 2020 voters' guide Keeping Up With The Candidates, we're one week away from the Iowa Straw Poll and this will be the dealbreaker as to who goes to the DNC and who goes home, and we will have everything you can expect!
Live musical guest: Brittany Howard (of Alabama Shakes)

Edition #8-4: Extremely Loud & Incredibly Angry Edition (1/29/20)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100212925717

Live from UF-Miami! The Senate republicans do their best imitation of the Delta House from Animal House as they stage a walkout during the first day of the impeachment trial. Meanwhile, in space, Trump's unveil of the logo design for the 6th branch of the US military known as Space Force is drawing some (not at all) shocking comparisons to Star Trek. Trump Elsewhere, the Doomsday Clock, which monitors how close we are to the apocalypse, has inched another 30 seconds closer to midnight, and we are now *LESS* than 2 minutes to midnight. Cue your favorite Iron Maiden song here. In a new edition of "We're All Gonna Die", a new supervirus that broke out in China is making its' way across Asia and towards the US, and you should absolutely be frightened by this! In our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates, we're going to investigate the claim that Amazon's Jeff Bezos got hacked by the Saudis, but are the claims real? And are the Saudis our friends? Yes and no. And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10, our resident pastor flew to DC and attended the March For Life conference at Capitol One Arena, and he's got some thoughts on what he saw. And in a new edition of "Beating A Dead Horse", the Houston Astros and Boston Red Sox got caught cheating with their pants down, but the LA City Council has opened up a can of worms that nobody asked for, or wanted. We also profile conservative champion Mike Lindell, the CEO of MyPillow, in a new edition of "This Fucking Guy". And there's also a new I Need A Drink, where we get drunk and discuss the death of a beloved advertising mascot, Planters' Mr. Peanut, and yes, he died doing what he loved. And in our 2020 voters' guide "Keeping Up With The Candidates", what is Tulsi Gabbard's beef with Hillary Clinton? We will get to the bottom of whether or not she is a Russian stooge or not.
Live Musical Guest: Cold War Kids

Edition #8-5: They Came In Like A Wrecking Ball Edition (2/5/20)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100212955746

Live from UCF in Tallahassee! In the latest developments in Trumpland, Trump is getting sued for defamation due to allegations that he allegedly raped a woman back in the 1990s, but Trumpers don't know all the details! Across the Pond, conservative Englanders are celebrating the completion of Brexit, and we have what you need to know before it sends the European economy into a tailspin! And thanks to climate change deniers, part of Trump's poorly built border fence in California collapses and - in a not at all ironic twist of fate - ends up in Mexico. In New Jersey, there's a huge pile of trash needing to be collected - and it's not coming from a hurricane, it's coming from Trump's latest MAGA rally! Plus he may or may not have stiffed previous rallies on security, hardly shocking. In our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates, we head to Green Bay, Wisconsin, where we dig up the truth behind what went down at a recent Christmas Eve pageant involving a former Packer, members of his church, and enough ammo to take out a small army. What happened? We will get to the bottom of this mystery! And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", Jerry Falwell Jr is scheming to go behind Virginia Gov Northam's back, and have portions of the state secede, and our resident pastor is going to tell you why his controversial VEXIT plan isn't going to work. In "Beating A Dead Horse", did trashy celebrity journalist outfit TMZ publish news of Kobe's death before the LAPD had a chance to tell his family? It's quite possible, and it's also quite possible that Harvey Levin is going to hell. And in a new edition of "We're All Gonna Die", we recap the latest insanity surrounding the newest super virus coming from China, the Corona Virus, and it's going to get real ugly real quick, and we're all gonna die. We also have a new People Are Dumb, and as is tradition when we visit Florida, we do a special all Florida edition of People Are Dumb! And in our 2020 Voters' Guide, Keeping Up With The Candidates, we will have the results of the Iowa caucuses - what you need to know in order to make your decision in the primaries!
Live Musical Guest: The Dirty Heads

Edition #8-6: Wheel Of Corruption: Dark Fate Edition (2/12/20)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100212982373

Live from Vanderbilt University in Nashville! The impeachment vote in the Senate finally happened and Trump got acquitted, and he's unloading all of his bent up frustration at everyone that opposes him, and it's going to get very ugly. Speaking of which, the aftermath of the SOTU, which saw Parkland Survivor Fred Guttenberg get ejected and Nancy Pelosi ripping up Trump's speech, but that's not all that happened! Meanwhile, it was revealed that notoriously toxic right wing radio host Rush Limbaugh has advanced lung cancer, but should we feel sorry for someone who has spent the last 30 years discussing how much he hates our guts? We will weigh in on the subject! Meanwhile, in Washington DC, a white supremacist group called "Patriot Front" marched with their ARs drawn and their faces covered, and an Antifa group dances in Portland in protest of a planned KKK rally. In our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates, the FBI completed its' annual evaluation of home grown terrorist threats, and the idea that you are more likely to be killed by a white guy with a gun than Al-Qaeda isn't that far off! And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", Franklin Graham had plans to take a crusader tour of the UK, and got dropped from not one, but all seven venues! Our resident pastor gets to the bottom of why the UK lost interest in the Crusader himself and reminds us that we shouldn't take this stuff too seriously! And in "Beating A Dead Horse" - the US dairy industry is understandably pissed at "Joker" star Joaquin Phoenix over his completely insane Oscar acceptance speech. In a new edition of our segment "NO!", everyone's favorite right wing homophobic podcaster, Christian nationalist, and fake coach Dave Daubenmire has launched a lawsuit aimed at Pepsi and the NFL because he saw Jennifer Lopez in skimpy clothing and is suing for a completely insane amount of money. In a new edition of "I Need A Drink", we kick back, indulge in some cocktails, and discuss some truly bizarre new celebrity fragrances, where you can smell like everything from female body parts to used underwear. 2020 is a great time to be alive! Finally in our 2020 voters' guide Keeping Up With The Candidates, we're going to discuss the aftermath of the Iowa SNAFU and tell you what you can expect as the primaries head to Nevada.
Live musical guest: The Lumineers

Edition #8-7: Bromancing The Stone Edition (2/19/20)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100213001900

Live from University Of Michigan! Two years ago, we lost 17 brave souls in the massacre on Valentine's Day at Marjorie Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. We find out how things have changed since then, and well, some victories have been achieved but we still have a long way to go. In the latest in Trump world, the sentencing of hardcore conspiracy theorist Roger Stone takes a turn when Trump asks his fixer, USAG Bill Barr, to intervene in the sentencing and things start going to shit, as is par for the course. Meanwhile, an examination of Melania Trump's venerable "Be Best" campaign aimed at curbing student bullying has had literally the exact opposite effect. In a new segment of "We're All Gonna Die", the quarantined cruise ship off the coast of Japan has begun to let passengers out, but how safe are we from the latest virus of doom? Virus Of Doom, by the way, really awesome band. And in our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates, is your next flight putting you at risk? After a safety audit of Southwest Airlines finds some alarming atrocities, you might want to consider taking a road trip next time. Plus in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", the Christian right is out to remake the judiciary whether we want them to or not, and our resident pastor will get to the bottom of what qualifies as an "activist judge". In the latest edition of "NO!", with February being Black History Month, there are plenty of ways to honor our civil rights activists, past and present, but putting them on a 5% casj back card certainly isn't one of them. Also with the return of the XFL, with low attendance and strange scoring rules, not to mention on field vomit and on air swearing, we ask the question "The XFL - How is this still a thing?". We also have a new People Are Dumb because stupid doesn't take a holiday and neither do we! Finally in our 2020 voters' guide "Keeping Up With The Candidates", now that Bernie is looking more like the front runner in the 2020 race to beat Trump, he commands an internet army called "The Bernie Bros" and we will introduce you to them!
Live Musical Guest: Iggy Pop

Edition #8-8: 4 Pardons & A Penance Edition (2/26/20)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100213019688

Live from University Of Wisconsin! Now that Trump has been vindicated, he feels that he can abuse his pardon powers and let some of his criminal buddies off the hook, most troubling of which is former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich (BLAGO!!). Where is Jon Stewart when you need him? Meanwhile, ex communicated former Congressman Dana Rorhabacher reveals that Julian Assange might have been offered a pardon from Trump in exchange for some extreme election tampering. Elsewhere, Attorney General Bill Barr has been dropping hints that he may resign from the administration due to Trump's incessant tweeting and we may or may not bring back The Trumper Games depending on whether or not that happens. In Alt Right news, a Kent State student who became famous for bringing her AR-15 to her graduation ceremony went to Ohio University and the ensuing shit show that followed varies in insanity depending on who you talk to. And in our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates, why were passengers possibly infected by the Corona Virus allowed on a flight to Kona? And what happened after that? Our crack investigative team will get to the bottom of this mystery and the aftermath! Plus in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", is faith based tourism coming to an end? Our resident pastor takes a look at what is going on at Orlando's "Holy Land Experience" and other Christian based theme parks to see what is going on! We also have the return of our segment "Explaining Jokes To Idiots" - daytime talk show host Wendy Williams is under fire for an extremely tasteless joke about the murder of Drew Carey's ex-fiance, but should she be cancelled over it? Yeah probably. We also profile hard-right Trumper and creator of a faith-based prayer group called "POTUS Shield", Frank Ameida, in a new edition of "This Fucking Guy". We also have a new edition of "I Need A Drink" - and what the fuck are people bringing on planes? There's everything from tents to miniature ponies and we will have some drinks and tell you what's awaiting you on your next trip - whether it's service animals or crazy luggage! And in the very last and final "Keeping Up With The Candidates", we recap the latest Democratic Debate in Las Vegas, where Elizabeth Warren utterly destroyed Michael Bloomberg, and other madness!
Live Musical Guest: Sons Of Apollo

Edition #8-9: Life's A Beach, Then You Die Edition (3/4/20)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100213044761

Live from Wichita State! President "All Is Well" attempts to comfort fears of the deadly Corona Virus by gutting the CDC, trashing the media, and dolling out tons of misinformation on the subject, from mostly far right sources, obviously. Meanwhile, in Washington, the Terminator-esque merger between the Alt Right and far right traditional conservatives is nearly complete at the annual Conservative Political Action Conference, with Infowars taking it to the streets, among other insanity. Trump also went to India as a guest of Hindi nationalist Prime Minister Narjendra Modi, and the resulting shit show that everyone expected happened. In Congress, Congress approved some historic legislation making lynching a federal hate crime, and there were four people who voted against it, not surprisingly Texas' Louis Gohmert was one of the abstaining votes. Shocking, I know! In our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates, our crack investigative team is going to take a new look at some shocking claims about the presidential diet - just what does Trump eat on a daily basis and is it good for you? Easy answer: no. And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", the US State Department is being petitioned to "Make The Family Great Again" and our resident pastor suspects that there might be an ulterior and much more sinister motive lurking underneath. In a new edition of "Beating A Dead Horse", the conservative war on free speech goes to the courts and loses big time when Dennis Prager's controversial Prager U sues Google over getting banned from Youtube and loses big time. And in a new edition of "NO!", MLB spring training has started, and the hate for the cheating douchebag Houston Astros intensifies, and really the more you boo, the more foolish you look. Plus in a new "I Need A Drink", we are going to raise our glasses and bid farewell to resident Flat Earther "Mad" Mike Hughes, who passed away after his homemade rocket crashed in Barstow, California. Shocking, we know. Finally it's that time of the year when we kick off our annual Stupidest State contest! It's Selection Sunday and we have all of the states, stats, odds and info that you need to fill out your bracket!
Live musical guest: 311

**Top 10 takes a week off**

Edition #8-10: Sorry Folks, Humanity Is Closed Edition (3/18/20)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100213124202

Hybrid Best Of / "Live" (from home) Edition The Coronavirus has literally canceled nearly all of humanity. But our show is still going on! So with that in mind we are going to split this edition into a hybrid Best Of / Live Edition to help ease the pain while you are self-isolating during the Coronavirus pandemic. From Idiots #6-1, we recap the time when Trump's bizarre Game Of Thrones obsession was the least of our worries. From Idiots #5-2, we recall the bizarre plan to split California into 3 states that turned out to be a Russian hit job! From Idiots #3-13, Rush Limbaugh mocks a hurricane and well, it doesn't go over well. From Idiots #4-5, we introduce you to a real life Illinois Nazi, Arthur Jones. Where are the Blues Brothers when you need them? From Idiots #5-6, we take a look at how your favorite breakfast cereals could have got contaminated with the Honey Smacks recall. From Idiots #5-21, our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", asks the question "Is CNN Satanic?" (spoiler alert! Probably). From Idiots #7-22, our segment "Unpopular Opinions" asks why does the older generation lose their mind when the younger generation doesn't know their music? Well ask Billie Eilish and Van Halen! From Idiots #8-7, why is the XFL a thing? But sadly it is no longer a thing thanks to Coronavirus. Plus we also have a new edition of "People Are Dumb" because while the world might be ending, we can at least laugh at stupid people, right? And finally it's time for Stupidest State 2020! This week it's Round 1 Week 1 and we have a battle for Batshit Supremacy as #1 Virginia takes on #2 Kentucky, while in the Family Values Conference, last year's champion #1 Alabama takes on red hot conference favorite #2 Oklahoma! Winner takes all, loser goes home!
Musical Guest: Iggy Pop

Edition #8-11: Do The Fauci Facepalm Edition (Mini Edition) (3/25/20)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100213173326

Live From Home (With No Audience) With the whole world shut down from the Great Quarantine, the Top 10 is running at half capacity live from our home base! With the world still reeling from the Virus, Florida is out partying and it took them more than a week to shut down the beaches. With that, we add Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis to the ever-growing list of People Who Somehow Got Elected. Meanwhile, we're going to show you some of the ways the world has been turned upside down and what is going on in "The Upside Of Quarantining". In our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", our resident pastor is going to show you some of the ways that the Christian right has been dealing with this crisis. And it's time for Stupidest State Round 1 Week 2! We're live in Austin, TX at the home of the Texas Longhorns, the Frank C. Irwin Events Center, for all the round 1 action! It's a battle for Fiscal Irresponsibility supremacy as #3 Tennessee takes on #4 Nebraska! Meanwhile, in the Gun Nut Conference, #3 New Mexico takes on #4 Missouri!
Live Musical Guest: None Unfortunately

Edition #8-12: Easter Sunday Bloody Easter Sunday Edition
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100213216285

Live From Home (with no audience) Trump passes the Coronavirus Stimulus bill - we go over what's in it and who voted against it. Plus with the entire world on lock down, we're going to to show you some of the various ways that people are coping with the concept of "social distancing". Plus why are Bernie Bros making a mad claim that Bernie single-handedly saved America from unemployment? We go over some stats and show you why that's not true. We add Mississippi governor Tate Reeves to the ever-growing list of People Who Somehow Got Elected. Plus in our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates, why does California have a lack of qualified registered nurses? And what can be done about it? And then in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", why does the Unholy Dark One want packed churches by Easter? This thing isn't going away anytime soon. And in a new edition of "Beating A Dead Horse", why does Twitter give repeated passes to right wing conspiracy theorist (and failed actor) James Woods? Come on guys, you know this won't end well. We also have a new segment that we're going to be debuting called "Conspiracy Corner"! And we're going to start with a batshit crazy theory coming from Q Anon fans about the drug Adrenochrome. And whew, they crazy. We also have an all Coronavirus edition of "People Are Dumb", because of course they are! And it's time for Stupidest State Round 1 Week 3! We're live from New Orleans where Michigan goes for broke against Pennsylvania in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, while Florida brings their big guns to the dance against Oregon! The Elite 8 is shaping up!
Live Musical Guest: None, It's A Home Show

Edition #8-13: He Went To Jared Edition (4/8/20)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100213253924

Live From Home (with no audience) The Trump led Supreme Court issued a major blow to voting rights by forcing people to vote in person in the middle of a pandemic, effectively throwing out thousands of votes in the process. Trump finally enlists someone to head up the pandemic response team, and it's - wait for it - Jared Kushner! And there aren't enough facepalms in the world for this. Meanwhile, in the US Navy, Captain Crozier, head of the USS Theodore Roosevelt, got fired after sounding the alarm on the virus spreading on his ship. Elsewhere, a group of senators and Congressman have been caught profiting from the pandemic, and we go through the list and decide that no punishment is too good for these crooks. Top 10 Investigates, why is the heartburn drug Zantac on a worldwide recall? We get to the bottom of this mystery. And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", there's a far-right pastor in Pennsylvania who plans to hold a Woodstock like festival in an effort to stick it to stay at home orders, so our resident pastor explains why this is a really bad idea. And in "Beating A Dead Horse", after hardcore band Trapt goes full MAGA and invites tons of parody accounts, is it OK to sue your parody account? Probably. We also have a new edition of Conspiracy Corner - why are conspiracy theorists filming their local hospitals in an attempt to discredit COVID-19 panic? Well, easy answer - they're insane. And in "I Need A Drink", we need some drinks to explain why a string of stunningly stupid crimes has turned New Jersey into the Florida of the north. Plus it's time for Stupidest State Round 1 Week 4! It's a battle for the Batshit Conference as #3 Idaho takes on #4 South Carolina. Meanwhile, over in the Family Values Conference, #3 Ohio takes on #4 Indiana! The Elite 8 is shaping up, folks!
Live Musical Guest: None, it's a home show

Edition #8-14: Wheel Of Corruption: The Phantom Menace Edition (4/22/20)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100213331087

Live From Home (with no audience) Trump leaves the power of reopening the economy to the states, but then tells them that he is the decider on this (where have we heard that before?) while governors like Gavin Newsom are proving to be the cooler heads in the room. Meanwhile, Trump has one of his worst weeks ever when he melts down on TV night after night, causing his approval ratings to drop and he puts into place a reopening team consisting of... no public health officials or doctors. Elsewhere, a series of insane protests against social distancing and other measures put into place because of the pandemic are propping up across the country with predictable results. The latest casualties from the economic fallout from the impact include upscale clothing retailer Neiman Marcus and Vince McMahon's XFL. In our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates, we explore the dangers of Trump's drug of choice, hydroxychloroquine, and the dangers of taking it without medical advice. And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", is COVID 19 the result of a rebellion against God? Our resident pastor explores this topic and the predictable results of the Christian right. In a new "Beating A Dead Horse", Fox News is very actively trying to kill us and they might actually succeed. Plus we profile quack TV doctor Mehmet Oz in a new edition of "This Fucking Guy". We also have a new edition of People Are Dumb, because of course they are! And it's time for Stupidest State Round 2! This time it's the Gun Nut Championship as #2 Florida takes on #3 New Mexico in a showcase shootout!
Live Musical Guest: None, it's a home show

Edition #8-15: Just What Doctor Trump Ordered Edition (4/29/20) (#198)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100213366590

Live From Home (With No Audience) Trump does something ridiculously stupid (shocker) and recommends that people inject bleach as a way to cure the virus, but then walks back his statements and says that he didn't do it. Or did he? We also delve into possible scenarios about how the economy can restart, but Georgia's example is going to backfire on them big time. Meanwhile, it's been learned that the guy who Trump appointed to lead the Coronavirus response team originally was a former breeder of the dog species known as Labradoodle. Yes, no public health experts or doctors necessary. Conservatives are also upping the ante on their game to fire Dr. Fauci after he proves to be the actual adult in the room. In our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates, we take a look at possible vaccines in development for the virus, of which there are over 100, but the most promising looks to be out of Oxford University. And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", there's a holy war against social distancing brewing and we will tell you the religious right's latest plan to spread the virus and further disrupt your way of life. In a new "Beating A Dead Horse", can you get over a celebrity? K-Pop fans are taking their social media wars against every celebrity known to man to a new level and taking the culture wars international! Plus we add Georgia governor Brian Kemp to the ever-growing list of People Who Somehow Got Elected. And in a new "I Need A Drink" - how was a rare and valuable Van Gogh painting swiped from a French art museum when the whole country is supposed to be on lockdown? This is one of the more bizarre mysteries out there. Finally it's time for Stupidest State Round 2 Week 2! It's a Family Values faceoff as the reigning champions #1 Alabama take on heavily favored underdogs in #4 Indiana for a chance to advance to the Final Four!
Live Musical Guest: None, It's A Home Show

Edition #8-16: If This Country's Rocking, Don't Come Knocking Edition (#199!) (5/6/20)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100213400097

Live From Home (with no audience) After Trump hints that Michigan must be liberated, a group of MAGA hat wearing gun nuts storm the Michigan capital attempting to get liberated, and it backfires on them. With fears of a second wave imminent, Trump prematurely declares the pandemic over and we examine just what could possibly go wrong if the country reopens - a second wave of this is practically imminent. Meanwhile, the Pentagon finally confirms something that we've all expected since space exploration began - aliens exist! Please someone better call Tom DeLonge! Plus as Joe Biden inches closer to the democratic nomination, a sexual harassment claim has been filed against him, but is there any traction on this or are they trying to Al Franken him? In our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates, there's many differing theories into the origins of coronavirus, but what's the real story? Is it natural or man made? We will find out! And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", our resident pastor embraces his Jewish side as he examines what's been going on with NYC's Jewish community and well, it's not great. Plus in the latest edition of "Beating A Dead Horse" - really what's the deal with the Land O' Lakes label controversy? If you think removing the iconic character from the label is bad, wait until you hear the real history of Native Americans! After Jesse Ventura announces a bid to run for president, we ask "The Green Party - How Is This Still A Thing?". We also have a new "I Need A Drink" - Universal Studios recently showed that it can bypass traditional movie theaters after Trolls: World Tour made some serious money during quarantine. But theaters aren't having any of it! And finally it's time for Stupidest State Round 2 Week 3! It's the Batshit Conference finals as #1 Virginia takes on #3 Idaho for a spot in the Final Four! We're live from Austin with all the 3rd round action!
Musical guest: None, it's a home show

Edition #8-17: Drop It Like Your Blood Clots Edition (#200!) (5/13/20)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100213433148

Live From Home (With No Audience) We celebrate our 200th edition! COVID comes to the White House, and if you think Trump is dealing with this unwanted guest, well, as the old saying goes, "He who denied it, supplied it.". Trump also manages to escapee the confines of the White House for a tour of a Honeywell plant in Phoenix, and it was quite the shit show. Everyone's favorite joke of a smear artist, Jacob Wohl, is back, and his latest scam to pay someone to setup a sexual harassment suit, well, backfired on him big time. In a new edition of "We're All Gonna Die", if you think COVID is bad, wait until you see the giant insects that Asia is sending our way! In our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates, the state of Mississippi is in big trouble after an audit revealed that state officials wasted millions on some very high end and unnecessary items! Plus in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", are the lockdowns waging war on your religious freedoms? Christians are upping the rhetoric and our resident pastor is here to tell them that they're wrong! In a new edition of "Beating A Dead Horse", are the sexual harassment claims against Joe Biden legit or horseshit? We will find out! We also have a new edition of "Conspiracy Corner" - was Trump justified in his firing of disgraced FBI head honcho James Comey? The Q Anon "experts" are on the trail! We also have a new People Are Dumb, because of course they are! And finally it's time for Stupidest State Round 2 Week 4! It's the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference championship! This time conference favorite #1 Michigan takes on underdog #4 Nebraska!
Musical Guest: The New Rolling Stones song "Living In A Ghost Town"

Edition #8-18: Sometimes You Don't Wanna Go Where Everyone Knows Your Name Edition (5/20/20)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100213463383

Live From Home (With No Audience) After being banned from the Trump administration for doing that thing called "speaking the truth", Dr. Rick Bright informs the world that we were under prepared for COVID, and will be under prepared for when the cures and vaccines come. In Wisconsin, the GOP and the voting public have clearly shown that they don't give a shit about public health and have reopened the state anyways in spite of government orders, because, America. In the latest coming from Trump's batshit fantasy world, he's peddling a new conspiracy theory about Obama that doesn't exist because, well, he's certifiably deranged. Meanwhile, in California, Elon Musk has reopened the Tesla manufacturing plant in Fremont and has shown that he doesn't give a crap about his employees. In our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates, China's got a bamboo shortage that is affecting the world wide panda population, thanks to COVID, so what can be done about it? We will get to the bottom of this. And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", our favorite crackpot, Mark Taylor, is back in the news and well, he failed at being the prophet that everyone thinks he is. Our resident pastor is here to laugh about it. After listening to the restaurant lobby and not public health experts about reopening Wisconsin, we add Wisconsin governor Tony Evers to the growing list of People Who Somehow Got Elected. We also have a new edition of "Conspiracy Corner" and while the talk of a COVID vaccine is ramping up, the disinformation machine is already kicking into high gear! And in "I Need A Drink", do we really need a spinoff of Entourage's hot-headed, anger-challenged Hollywood super agent Ari Gold? Especially given Jeremy Piven's past history? I think I need a few drinks to dissect this possible series that no one needs. Finally it's time for the Stupidest State Final Four! Idaho. Michigan. Florida. Alabama. Two of these teams advance, one wins! It's going to be an epic showdown for the ages!
Musical Guest: New AWOLNATION song "Pacific Coast Highway (In The Movies)"

Edition #8-19: What To Expect When You're Expecting Worse Edition (5/27/20)
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100213493045

Live From Home (With No Audience) Season Finale! In a change of pace, we take a look inside the race to develop a Coronavirus vaccine - what's it going to take to get billions of doses distributed throughout the world? Plus with states easing social distancing rules, are we headed toward the dreaded second wave or are things actually getting better in the long run? Plus we look at the latest in the anti-lockdown protests, which are getting weirder, scarier, and nuttier, and in some cases are actually becoming self-aware. And in the latest edition of "Trump Barfs His Brain", Trump keeps spewing nonsense and is getting advised against his reckless self-medicating with hydroxychloroquine. In our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates, we're going to take a look at the massive effort to discredit the coronavirus vaccine - even before it's fully developed or released! Anti-vaxxers be damned! In our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", are our nation's holy institutions doing the right thing or the wrong thing when it comes to reopening? Our pastor will take a look at several different cases of all faiths! In a new edition of "Beating A Dead Horse", could the Senate get its' first dose of the QAnon cult? We take a look at a campaign out of Oregon that aims to merge fantasy internet conspiracies with real life. And in a new edition of "Conspiracy Corner", why are people destroying 5G cell phone towers before they're installed? It may have something to do with Coronavirus, or it may not. We also have a new "I Need A Drink" in which we're going to get drunk and discuss the latest in the College Admissions Scandal! I don't want your life!! Finally it's time for the Stupidest State Championship! Florida. Michigan. One of these two states will be crowned our Stupidest State! We're at the Banc Of California Stadium in Los Angeles with the champagne on ice!
Musical Guest: An excerpted live performance from King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard's live album "Chunky Shrapnel"

Best Of #12: Season 8 Recap: Shit Really Hits The Fan Edition
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100213575776

Best Of! From Idiots #8-2, Trump brings us to the brink of a possible World War III after a series of diplomatic blunders really cost him some big time points with the UN. From Idiots #8-4, we take on Trump's challenge of whether or not people actually read the impeachment transcript - turns out he didn't either! From Idiots #8-6, after everyone's favorite conservative blowhard Rush Limbaugh announces he has possibly terminal lung cancer, we ponder, should we feel sorry for someone who's spent their entire career telling us to pound sand? Probably. From Idiots #8-9, Trump took a trip to India to party with Modi in a giant stadium full of people who really didn't seem that interested in what either of them had to say. We also have a brand new bonus segment, our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates, takes a look at the Coronavirus disinformation campaign, and there's a lot of it out there, so watch your backs when looking at this information. From Idiots #8-3, our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", takes a look at the feud over the future of the Catholic Church and differing viewpoints from former Pope Benedict and current Pope Francis. From Idiots #8-15, "Beating A Dead Horse", takes a look at how fans of Korean pop are turning the tables on your favorite celebrities by weaponizing social media against them. We also have another new segment, our segment Conspiracy Corner, takes a look at the injustice protests and that if you see some guys wearing Hawaiian shirts carrying large machine guns, they're not there to join hands and sing Kumbaya. From Idiots #8-5, we have a special all Florida edition of "People Are Dumb" which includes some of the craziest Florida Man stories around! And finally from Idiots #8-4, our segment "Keeping Up With The Candidates" , both Joe Rogan and Bernie Sanders command two of the largest troll armies on the internet, so why are they fighting and not joining forces? That should have happened!
Musical Guest: Sons Of Apollo

December 18, 2019

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #7-23: 2019 Year In Review Edition (Season Finale!!!)

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #7-23: 2019 Year In Review Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up UCLA? Has Trump been impeached yet? Well we're waiting! How you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! Well here we are, we are at the end everybody! It’s been a hell of a season touring universities all over the country. And we’re going back for round 2 next year leading up to our 3rd annual Stupidest State contest! Do we have time for the thing? OK so back when we started the Top 10, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens was just about to hit the theaters, and the hype-o-meter was off the charts. Well, this week, the conclusion of that arc of the saga, Star Wars Episode XI: The Rise Of Skywalker, is about to hit theaters. And Burger King, has come up with one of the most bizarre promotions I’ve ever heard of. Would you allow the movie to be spoiled for you for a free sandwich? I mean better yet how much is a spoiler worth to you? Because if I’m letting one of the most anticipated movies of the year be spoiled for me, it’d better be a hell of a lot more than just a damn sandwich! In fact, actual Star Wars fans weren’t having any of it. So apparently people love their science fiction franchises way more than they love their fast food franchises. Go home Burger King, you’re drunk. OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first I have to play Saturday Night Live’s brilliant opener from last week about what happens when things get way too heated at the holiday dinner table:



Happy end of 2019 everybody!!! We survived a 3rd year under president Donald J. Trump! So with that in mind we are doing our 3rd ever Year In Review edition! In the first slot this week is the first two months of the year – January and February (1) when Trump and the entire world was obsessed with the ending of the hit HBO show Game Of Thrones, and Trump thought he was the one who was going to ascend to the Iron Throne because, reasons. In the second slot is the second two months of the year – March and April (2) where there were scandals a plenty which included Patriots owner Robert Kraft getting arrested in a sex sting operation and Paul Manafort being convicted of some pretty serious crimes. Taking the third slot this week is a head first dive into summer with May & June (3) which saw conservatives taking their war on “shadow banning” to new extremes by grilling the head honchos of social media companies on Capitol Hill about anti-conservative bias. In the fourth slot is the meat of summer – July and August (4) – which saw the case against billionaire child molester and human sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstiein come to a head, and the degree of which he was murdered / suicided varies on which media outlet your drug of choice is. In the fifth slot this week is fall – September and October (5) which includes such idiocy as Trump’s Halloween fail, his war on vaping, a whole metric fuck ton of mass shootings, and the Straight Pride Parade in Boston was a colossal fail. Rounding out the year is the winter months – November and December (6) of course, while everyone is figuring out which car commercial is the least annoying, Trump is getting impeached, and the impeachment trial is proving to be the colossal disaster that we all know it was going to be. Now that that’s out of the way, since we like to get you in the holiday spirit, in the number 7 slot, everyone looks forward to Santa’s visit every year, except New York City, which is the home of Santacon (7), and we’re going to ask “SantaCon: How Is This Still A Thing?”. In the number 8 slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and sigh, another round of the circular firing squad that is the militant religious group known as “One Million Moms” and the back and forth between them and the Hallmark Channel is the stuff of pure insanity, and our resident pastor has some thoughts on that! At the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is People Are Dumb, and we’re going to go through and post some of our favorite People Are Dumb stories throughout the year that was 2019. Finally this week, our 2020 voters’ guide, Keeping Up With The Candidates is going to talk 2020 predictions! Yeah it’s earl but you can never be too early! And the palate cleanser for putting up with my bullshit, we have a surprise guest. Oh who am I kidding? It’s the legendary Vampire Weekend! Really buy their new album “Father Of The Bride” or you are no friend of this program. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]January – February: Game Of Groans
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This is always one of the hardest Top 10s of the year to do because the question is how do you cram an entire year’s worth of idiocy into six short entries? Where do you start? Well we have to start at the beginning of the year of course. The Dems have just come off the high of retaking the house out from underneath this corrupt administration. And of course, Dear Leader wasn’t having any of it. For someone who doesn’t quite get pop culture references, for him to see himself as the champion of some bizarre Game Of Thrones contest that no one else was playing was simply stunning.





I think that’s how Trump actually envisions himself. For someone who doesn’t read and doesn’t get pop culture references (he recently failed by comparing himself to Thanos), Game Of Thrones is way too advanced for him! He should start with something easy like the Diary Of A Wimpy Kid series and work his way up! And then the government shut down happened in January and the entire world saw how he greets champion athletes visiting the White House. Remember when that was an honor? Well, he reduced the White House dinner to going to the drive through, because that’s what Trump does. And that’s what he did when the world champion Clemson Tigers visited the White House. Literally everything he touches turns to shit!



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Seriously forget House Of Cards, this is a House Of Carbs! Then we go to February where it’s Valentines Day and we’re coming off the 1 year anniversary of the Parkland Massacre. But that was completely overshadowed because we were introduced to Nicholas Sandmann and the ultra right wing Covington Catholic high school in Covington, Kentucky. Who were just coming off the March For Women wearing MAGA hats (natch) and then stared down Native American war veterans at the Indigenous People’s March, and the resulting shit show was quite spectacular.





Yes, that escalated very quickly. And of course since Trump attracts the assholes, he invited Sandmann and his crew to the White House, and then Sandmann attempted to sue the Washington Post and New York Times for an ungodly sum of money, and that suit will most likely never pass muster. Then one of our favorite controversies, the Blackface controversy, ensued once again in Virginia when some old pictures recently started surfacing of Gov. Ralph Northram.





That’s it for January and February, which brings us to…


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[font size="8"]March – April: Scandals And Animals
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Remember the Q Anon conspiracy theory? You know the one where it said that Trump was going to have “mass arrests” and “military tribunals” aimed at taking down the country’s elite for acts of sexual perversion? Well, the spring season started off with the owner of the Patriots, Robert Kraft, along with a metric fuck ton of celebrities and professionals getting busted for having connections to the alleged Miami Madam that has been a staple of the country’s elite. Well it turns out the table might be on the other foot, as Kraft got taken down with a whole bunch of other celebrities and billionaires, which may or may not include billionaire who lives on a secluded pedo island, Jeffrey Epstein. Well, let the conspiracy theories start flying!





Uh… except that there is everything wrong with that! And speaking of controversies coming back to bite us, Michael Jackson, outside of his singing career, has never been in the news for any particularly good reason, and even 10 years after his death, stories continue to linger over what really happened at Michael Jackson's Hollywood home known as "Neverland Ranch". Especially when the documentary “Leaving Neverland” shed some light on what really happened when kids were invited to stay over at Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch:





The sad thing is that death was probably a good career move for Mr. Jackson. Then, as if the arrest of Robert Kraft wasn’t troubling enough, Trump’s senior campaign manager Paul Manafort went down in a shocking blaze of 16 crimes being committed. You commit 16 crimes, whaddya get? Another day in prison and deeper in debt. Yeah that joke didn’t work the first time, but the subpoenas are still there!





Now this brings us to April where Trump was coming off the high of the Mueller Report being completely redacted and lots of blacked out tape polluting what was actually said in the report, so we may never know what really happened. And how do you celebrate if you’re Donald J. Trump? Well, you celebrate by going to Scotland where you make some shockingly stupid statements about wind power.





Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Come on, put a warning on that thing! If that’s what passes for your hair, no wonder you make those claims about wind power. But at the end of April something really sad happened when we nearly lost the ancient French landmark of the Notre Dame cathedral. But Trump was celebrating Easter in the most Donald J. Trump way possible. Let’s roll the tape on that:

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At that point you almost have to feel sorry for the Easter Bunny, though we probably all know that it was Rudy Giuliani underneath that weird rabbit mask. That’s it for March and April, and the winter and spring season. Now we dive head first into the summer season with…


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[font size="8"]May & June: Conservatives’ War On Social Media
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You know Mark Zuckerberg is a James Bond villain. In fact the scenario that’s playing around the globe right now with the rise in hate and white supremacy and people preferring dictators over freedom, is pretty much the plot of the movie Tomorrow Never Dies. In that movie, Elliot Carver is a media tycoon who is using a nuclear stealth boat to manipulate the headlines to pit two superpowers together with the intent of starting World War III. Sounds plausible right? Well Mark Zuckerberg is nowhere near as charismatic as Elliot Carver was. So thanks to conspiracy theories, conservatives really have it in for social media outlets over “shadow banning” which as we’ve explained many times on this program, is not a thing. Instead… they’re just being hateful dicks. And they still can’t see it even after grilling the head honcho himself. At this point, you almost have to feel sorry for Mark Zuckerberg… but eh, why waste the time and effort?





I’m pretty sure that’s a live look in at what Trump is really thinking. I mean two of his biggest minions got banned from nearly all social media platforms, because, well, they’re colossal dicks. But then one of the biggest bombshells of the administration to date – Trump’s ass is flat broke! Yet, he acts like a billionaire, just like George Bluth acts like a billionaire.





Yes, I don’t care either. And then this might be one of my favorite stories of the year, and we did an entire Top 10 Investigates on it (see: Top 10 #6-18 ). Why are anti vaccination crusaders hanging on to an old episode of the Brady Bunch to describe their feelings toward measles? Oh measles are harmless – it’s just a day off school! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha… fuck you!





Well if you gave someone the measles, they probably wouldn’t be your friends either! Well then June comes and republicans go all out on their feelings about abortion, and as you can guess, is one of the driving factors fueling this wretched administration. People like Pat Robertson have some incredibly warped feeling s on the subject.





Hey I’m intolerant of your intolerance, sir! Good day! But my favorite thing about the summer was the utter implosion of the lobby fueling conservatives known as the National Rifle Association. Yes, after years and years of mass shootings, NRATV finally closed up shop, and may are citing that Parkland may have been the straw that broke the camels’ back. So I say this with all sincerity – a hearty “womp womp”.





That’s it for May and June, now we trod head first into the meat of summer with…


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[font size="8"]July – August: Epstein Gets Suicided
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Summertime, and the livin’s easy. Top 10 is on the microphone to Ras MG. All the people in the dance will agree that we’re well qualified to represent the LBC. G. Me and Louis, we go run to the party, dance to the rhythm, it gets harder… OK I’m no Brad Nowell but that was my Sublime chunk. We are well into the summer and halfway through the year now. Don’t worry, we will get into the Epstein tragedy in a few minutes. But first I want to talk about how Trump don’t know much about anything – biology, history, you name it. Especially history. I don’t want to say that Trump most likely slept through history class, and probably biology class as well. At least that was the case during his July 4th Americagasm Spectacular held at the National Mall





Oh it absolutely was a disaster. But before we get into Jeffrey Epstein, we got to talk about another conservative related tragedy – the Seth Rich conspiracy theory. We found out that the conspiracy peddled by everyone from Alex Jones to Sean Hannity to Rush Limbaugh – that said that DNC staffer Seth Rich was gunned down to cover up evidence of election rigging and profiteering, and it was an intentional hit job – was revealed to be a steaming load of BS. And when Fox News tells you it’s bullshit, it’s bullshit.





Damn right, sir!!! Now that we’ve stalled enough, we got to get through the Jeffrey Epstein mess, which is what happened when he got locked up. The mess was so huge that it caused yet another huge resignation in the Trump camp – Alex Acosta. Which probably marks that as the 1,242,563,659,304th resignation from the Trump camp.





Good point! Then tragedy struck as Jeffrey Epstein killed himself. Now, here’s where the whole thing goes to shit. Conspiracy theorists on both sides are making the claim that he didn’t kill himself – he was murdered. And the degree of suicided varies on which news outlet is doing the reporting, and who gets the blame depends on what your late night or AM radio talk show of choice is.





That is a good point, madame! One thing we don’t have a tolerance for at the Top 10 is bullshit, and there are some serious peddlers of it. Like for instance in Portland, where the famous alt right fight club known as the Proud Boys fight the mysterious, mask wearing protest group known as “Antifa”, even though we have a reason to suspect that Proud Boys founder Gavin McInnes controls both groups and pits them against each other in a fight to the death.




Hey! Stop fighting guys!!! And speaking of fighting, before we close this chapter of the year, we have to delve into one of my other favorite stories of the year not involving Trump. It involves the internet sewer message board known as 4chan. A teenage social media influencer known as Bianca Davis was murdered (we delve into this in Idiots #7-4 ). And 4chan went completely off the wall insane posting her dead body all over the internet, possibly committing multiple felonies in the process. Yeah you don’t want to do that, it makes a bad situation that much worse.





I love that show! That’s it for the summer, now we head straight for fall in…


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[font size="8"]September – October: Vaping Death
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The fall season for idiocy was so insane that I had to name it after a Metallica song because, well, it sounds pretty metal! I mean “Vaping Death” sounds a lot like the Metallica song “Creeping Death” doesn’t it? Well before we get into that, September is of course hurricane season, with Hurricane Dorian raving through the Gulf Coast. But up in the North, there was an insane thing that happened, and we missed a chance to cover it, because our show at Syracuse got cancelled. But that thing is the Straight Pride Parade in Boston, which was needed to be held because, reasons. And of course the usual band of alt right assholes, not only organized it, but showed up at the event and turned it into the shit show we all knew it would devolve into.





Seriously, even the Delta House had a better taste in float decoration than the people attending the Straight Pride Parade did. Maybe they could take some decorating tips from the Queer Eye guys? I’m just saying. But while everyone was still reeling from a string of recent mass shootings, Trump had to go and ban vaping because – shocker – people *MIGHT* die from it. Yeah 6 deaths from vaping vs nearly 80,000 this year alone from guns. Which is more important? Well…





No, don’t smoke to that, it will wreck your lungs! But Vaping Death sounds pretty metal doesn’t it? Then the Trump campaign headed to Michigan where Mike Pence went to a whistle stop in Mackinac Island – a place that famously has not allowed cars since the automobile was invented. And this comes *AFTER* the Trump administration decided that cars “have too much junk on them” (see: Idiots #7-13 ). Cue The Dude – this aggression will not stand, man!





While that’s going on, we also have to tell the tale of the gruesome murder of Jamal Khashoogi and the ensuring mystery surrounding it. Did the Saudis do the dirty deed or didn’t they? This is a conspiracy that goes far deeper than the Jeffrey Epstein murder, and it turns out that the Dear Leader whose name dare not be questioned, Donald J. Trump, may have had a hand in both. Jeffrey Epstein had connections to Trump and Clinton, but Khashoogi was getting to close to the real truth about the brutal Saudi regime.





And speaking of bad people, one of my favorite movies of the year was the Joker, starring Joaquin Phoenix about the origin and rise of the famous Batman villain. And we can’t get out of here without examining the controversy surrounding the movie and whether or not history would repeat itself with a midnight mass shooting (and we covered this controversy in Idiots #7-14 ) , a la The Dark Knight Rises. So what could possibly await people seeing the Joker? Well, they could, but really didn’t.





Yes it is! And we’re almost done here! That brings us to the winter season, and we are ending with…


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[font size="8"]November – December: Impeacment Is The Reason For The Season
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Yay, we’re almost done for the year. What? I still have 5 more entries? I just want to get it over with and see Vampire Weekend. Come on, I can see Ezra and the guys warming up backstage! OK fine, let’s power through this thing. So it’s very likely that Donald J. Trump stole the 2016 election and he will attempt again to steal the 2020 election. At the end of October, Nancy Pelosi dropped the big one and said that Trump can and should be impeached. Well, the biggest losers of this whole shindig easily turned out to be Jim Jordan, Steve Scalise, and Matt Gaetz all three of them R-Obviously. And with friends like these – a guy who’s roped in one of the biggest university sex scandals of all time, a gun shot victim turned full gun fetishist, and a guy who’s been convicted of a whopping 7 DUIs, who needs enemies? But the question is how will it end? Will Trump and those who have aided and abetted him finally get their just desserts? Or will Trump be the guy who gets away with it all like in the 90s classic movie LA Confidential? Either way you know they’re planning to blame the “deep state” which as we’ve discussed, is not really a thing.





So let’s recap – Trump’s biggest supporters are a guy who got shot at a baseball game and continues to support guns, a 7 time DUI champion, a guy who’s been roped in one of the biggest university sexual harassment scandals of all time, and a guy who’s suing a cow. With friends like these, who really needs any enemies? Elsewhere, the Washington Nationals won the World Series and visited the White House, and we learned that Kurt Suzuki and Ryan Zimmerman were both hardcore MAGAs.





Seriously? Baby Shark? That’s how you choose to use the Marine Corp Marching Band? Really? As if that wasn’t weird enough, check out what Trump did to spend his Halloween:

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They can’t even give out Halloween candy without it being weird. And we saw how weird Easter was, at that point, you almost have to feel sorry for the Easter bunny! Getting back to the impeachment trial, one of the highlights so far has been one of the biggest far right conspiracy theorists in the world, Roger Stone, going down in flames. But not before Alex Jones and his merry band of idiots attempted to interfere in the trial and got caught with their pants down:





Hey don’t go full Infowars, never, ever go full Infowars. Because Alex Jones is an insane crazy man, and it was recently revealed that they just make shit up, which is not at all shocking. And if you’re expecting guys like Scalise, Jordan, Nunes, and Gaetz to make complete asses of themselves, you’re correct on that one because they absolutely did!





But that’s not exactly true, Cartman! And by the way, it’s been a while since we checked in with Melania’s “Be Best” campaign, and if you want to see how well that’s going, just look at what Trump’s been tweeting since Greta Thunberg beat him out for Person Of The Year in Time Magazine! And if you want to see how to completely derail an entire campaign in one tweet, look no further than what happened in Baltimore:





Yeah you don’t want to go there, Melania. Maybe go to Alabama, or Mississippi where they still support you. Anyway before we wrap it up, I could point out that Kid Rock got caught saying something racist, or Borat himself claiming that Facebook has gone full Nazi, but one of my favorite things to happen at the end of the year was the completely batshit crazy, off the wall interview with John Schnatter of Papa John’s fame, I’m not even going to show the articles, let’s just play the clip, this is 2019 in a nutshell:



Yeah of course it wont if you eat 40 pizzas in 30 days, I think the meat sweats are coming out of your pores, man. That’s it for our 2019 year in review everybody! I’m out!




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[font size="8"]SantaCon: How Is This Still A Thing
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It’s time once again to ask:



This week: Santa Con, how is this still a thing? You know it’s Christmas time and everyone looks forward to Santa’s visit. Except of course for New York City, during the week before Christmas, thousands of people dressed as Jolly Old St. Nick gather in the Big Apple for a weekend of some hard drinking and debauchery. And the citizens of New York usually don’t want anything to do with the hard partying Santas. In fact these Santas really don’t care if you are naughty or nice. They just want to hang out in New York City and drink, wearing the signature Santa outfits. In fact if these Santas are coming to your door, you probably don’t want leave cookies and milk for them.





Yes that’s pretty much what going to SantaCon is like for New Yorkers. Even the creators of SantaCon don’t want anything to do with SantaCon. In fact actual New Yorkers have been calling on mayor Bill DeBlasio to flat out cancel the Gathering Of The Santas. But there is one thing that all New Yorkers can agree on is that everyone hates SantaCon. No, not SantaCon!





However, while New Yorkers dread the now annual gathering of the Santas and all the drunken, Fireball fueled debauchery that now comes with Christmas, the real party is happening in nearby New Jersey, where the NJ Transit System has actually ordered the Santas to keep their booze off of the Jersey trains and buses. Yes, this is a thing that actually needed to be said.





Well despite all the drunken debauchery that follows when thousands of Santas flood the streets of New York City and nearby New Jersey, SantaCon manages to get away with it because it’s billed as a charity fundraiser, and has actually raised legitimate charity money for legitimate causes. And there was that incident where the Santas helped a guy after getting stabbed on the LIRR, which is likely to happen when you visit New York. But that’s also one of the weirdest scenes to happen in New York lately, but even the police chief of Hoboken is sending an alarm into the “charitable causes” of SantaCon.





So it’s just like Santa, only these Santas don’t care if you’re naughty or nice. That’s enough to make you ask – SantaCon:



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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of UCLA! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! You know this is that time of year when we take an annual look at the conservative culture war that they’ve been waging since the dawn of time, and it’s a war that no one wants to fight. In fact people just flat out don’t care what stores say “Happy Holidays” vs “Merry Christmas” anymore. They are actually, outright, gloating about it. I mean really, was it ever OK to *NOT* say Merry Christmas? I mean America is a land of opportunity, where all races and religions are welcome. Well, at least they used to be before Fox News took over the landscape.





Now here’s where I have a problem with that – we’ve been doing this thing for 3 years now and every year we’ve been doing a Christmas edition! Every year! Nobody is making it a burden on you to say “Merry Christmas” or put up tinsel and Christmas trees, you’re doing that to yourselves! Now contrast that with what happened over the weekend. If you watch the Hallmark Channel at all, well, you might have heard about this controversy.





Yeah so we’ve been putting up with their bullshit for 15 years. They can’t take 15 seconds of a commercial and then they call us the lunatics? Get the hell out of here! Seriously, what’s wrong with them? This is something that the good LAWRD JAYSUS would hate! Can I get an amen?? I mean come on One Million Moms, your schtick is getting old. And even Saturday Night Live was able to see through your bullshit!





Imagine being so petty that you have to hound the network into submission so that way they pull an ad featuring two women in love and they can’t handle it? And somehow we are the snowflakes? Right. Oh and I don’t have to picture that, that man currently sits in the Oval Office! But there is some good news is that the Hallmark Channel reinstated their ties with Zola and resumed the ad. Really, One Million Moms, you can go eat one million bags of shit. Can I get an amen??





That’s because no one wants to do business with these morons, Reverend! That’s it for Holy Shit this year, we will be back on January 8th! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this year for:




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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb. And this is always my favorite People Are Dumb segment of the year because we get to go through an entire year’s worth of epic fails and colossally stupid people throughout the year. Not anyone involved in the government, mind you, no, this is ordinary folks like you and I. So where do we begin this week? Well for the first one, going back to the beginning of the year, I love it when people try to recreate scenes from movies and it winds up ending very bad for them. And one scene you should never try and recreate is the driving scene from the Netflix movie “Bird Box”. It’s, well, it’s just a movie, people!





Well duh! Don’t drive blindfolded I believe is the take away from this story. Next up – remember that episode of Seinfeld where George was riding the subway and he got blindfolded and taken for everything he had by a crazy con artist? Well, this is kind of like that except this guy had a boatload of cash and his own girlfriend was waiting for him in the lobby! This story has everything!





Yeah the bigger question is where was he going with that $10K? I feel like there’s a huge yada yada yada there. Next up – fast food fights! I love a good fast food fight. The thing with fast food – you get your bag of crap, check your order and then leave. And this one took place at a Taco Bell after this guy claimed they made his Mexican Pizza wrong and things went south from there.





Next up – ever try to unclog a toilet by yourself? It’s a maddening job isn’t it? Well, these two guys attempted to try it themselves and things only went south from there. Yeah it’s kind of like the Cousin Eddie toilet scene from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.





God remember when Randy Quaid only played characters like that? Next up I want to talk about an epic car fail story back from July. This is the kind of thing that people hate about marketing, and a promotion gone berserk. If you want to see the full story – it’s quite insane. Just go back to Idiots #7-4 . But a car dealer should not be giving away free guns, along with Bibles and American flags. First off, way to placate the stereotype. Second, that could end very badly for you!




Finally I want to post the Florida Man story to end all Florida Man stories. Especially since it involves one of the biggest Disney flicks of all time, Frozen. Of course now Frozen 2 looks to shatter some box office records. Anyway, people, don’t do this type of thing with an inflatable toy! Meth is a hell of a drug, and good luck explaining that to your children! Just… let it go!





That’s it this year for:




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[font size="8"]Keeping Up With The Candidates Ep. 18: Next Year
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Welcome back to our handy guide to the 2020 election, which we will be entering the cycle in a mere two weeks, Keeping Up With The Candidates! This is where we are keeping our guide to the mother of all elections, the 2020 US presidential election in one place! Last week, we said goodbye to the Kamala Harris for President campaign. This week, we’re going say goodbye to the 2019 year and look forward to what’s happening next year. And next year is a presidential year. Which means that it’s going to be a colossal shit show. And the speculation is already beginning to run rampant. So what can we look forward to in a presidential election? And especially one that could see Trump packing? To do so we’re going to take a look at what happened to our friends across the pond in Brexit – Boris Johnson was just handed a colossal victory and it could potentially rip the EU apart.





This could potentially have some devastating consequences. Now how could this affect the vote here, and many including Trump himself are saying that the UK conservative vote could have a ripple effect here in the States. But while Boris is vowing to get Brexit done, that’s still easier said than done given how much of a disaster the UK Parliament is currently in. Now let’s parallel that with the US Congres.





No so we don’t want that to happen here. Now how could we prevent that from happening? Well there’s several things. We don’t want to be a doom and gloom scenario kind of people, but these things tend to happen. But there is one thing that we have to be vigilant on: bot accounts. The bot accounts are going to come fast and fierce, and they’re coming for your vote. If there’s one thing we need to learn a lesson on from 2016 and last week’s British vote, it’s this.





So what is going to happen? How do we combat the bots? It’s going to take a lot to defeat foreign and outside influence in the next election. And who’s going to come out on top? People, we’ve got 11 months to pick a candidate and we’d better come to a consensus! Someone has to beat Trump and end this nightmare once and for all! But who’s it going to be? WHO????





[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

There is no next week, this is the season finale! See you next year everybody!


[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Vampire Weekend[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, let’s get this post season party started! I am extremely excited to have this next guest on, their latest album is called “Father Of The Bride”. You can see them on tour next July and August, unfortunately no LA dates yet. Playing their song “Harmony Hall”, give it up for Vampire Weekend!




Thank you UCLA! This is the end of Top 10 season 7! I’d like to thank my staff, my crew, all of our travel partners and hosts! The Top 10 returns January 8th with a brand new edition live from Syracuse, New York! See you next year!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Pauley Pavilion, UCLA, CA
Special Thanks To: UCLA
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: UCLA Choir Club, Westwood, CA
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Vampire Weekend Appear Courtesy Of: Columbia Music
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
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Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo