October 31, 2018

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-18: Wheel Of Corruption & The Deathly Hallows Pt 1 Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-18: Wheel Of Corruption & The Deathly Hallows Pt 1 Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! You don’t have to review our privacy policy here because we don’t have one! What’s up Smashville??? Yeah there I said it, oh, and happy fucking Halloween! Whew, after the events of last week, we made it! By the way, I must explain my costume today. See, I am not Donald Trump. Instead, I took my own advice from last week and went out and got the much jankier “Costume Candidate” costume. See how fake my wig is? And my comically oversized tie? It perfectly accentuates my girth! Oh my hat says “Make America Good Always”. Yes, it’s finally Halloween and time for my big Halloween show! So do I really need to congratulate the Red Sox for winning the World Series? No? Good! Because the international symbol of choking should be changed from this – to this. Yeah sorry Dodger fans but it’s true. This is only Boston’s 180th championship in the last 15 years. They win so much I’m sick of it! Do we have time for the thing? So… yeah Post Malone, what are you doing? Our good friend Post Malone is back in the news and I don’t know if you saw this or not but Post has been in the news for spending like a baller! And it’s mainly on the site Postmates. See? Post? Postmates? Get it? Ah! Ah! OK so what did he buy exactly? Just about anything and everything. Tons of booze, tons of fast food. Dude, Post why are you so tired all the time? I don’t know – maybe eat a salad or two instead of $900 worth of Popeye’s chicken. Or maybe drink some water and coffee instead of $4,000 worth of booze. But here’s where it gets weird – he asked Postmates to go to Target and buy the most expensive chess set. Although my favorite thing is that he asked Postmates to bring him… a mariachi band! Yeah you really can’t make this stuff up, though we really question Post’s spending habits at this point. OK enough of the intro. We got a lot of idiocy to get to but first Bill Maher is back and he asks – did we reach Peak Florida?



So where do we begin this week? Well I’ve been teasing this segment for a while now but we got to do it – “What’s Up With Brazil?” because Brazil just elected an ultra far right Trump / Putin stooge as their new president and we’ll tell you all about what you can expect from Jair Bolsonaro (1). In the second slot, unless you’ve been living under a rock we had a terrorist attack from a far right crazy man last week, and we’ll tell you all about the #MAGABomber (2). In the third slot is of course the guy who we currently call president and that’s Donald J. Trump (3). Did you know that China and Russia have been secretly listening in on Trump’s calls that he makes on his unsecured iPhone? I can guarantee that I am not in any way, shape or form shocked at these events. At number 4 this week we’ve got a new installment of “How Is This Still A Thing” and after Megyn Kelly’s revelation about Blackface, we’re going to ask “Blackface – how is this still a thing?”. For the 5th slot this week is of course our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates (5) and this week it’s a week before the midterm election and we’re going to talk voter intimidation. It’s an extremely scary subject. At number 6 is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week our resident pastor is going to tell you, by way of the Christian right – who is god voting for? The answer may (not) surprise you! At number 7 we’ve got a new segment of one of our favorites – “Beating A Dead Horse”. After every attack and shooting, the right and alt right are lightning quick to call these shootings “false flag operations” and they’ve used the term so much that it’s lost all meaning. Taking the 8th slot this week we’ve got a new installment of “This Fucking Guy” and this week we’re going to profile the cohost and co-conspirator of Infowars, Pastor Rodney Howard Brown. Yes, this guy is a pastor! At number 9 (NEIN!!!!) this week is of course our favorite segment, People Are Dumb (9) ,because people are dumb. Finally this week we’ve got the next installment of Deep State Diaries and we’re going to check out how our elections are monitored as we visit the Federal Elections Commission. Yes, we need this one! Plus, for our big Halloween bash, the guy who is synonymous with Halloween – Marilyn Manson is going to be stopping by! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Jair Bolsonaro
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey everyone say it with me: It’s time for the WHEEL OF CORRUPTION! YAY!!!!!



Of course you know the rules by now – I spin the wheel and we have to talk about whatever it lands on. Of course if it lands on the guacamole option, you know that it costs $1.50 extra. So here’s what is on the wheel this week:

- Guns
- Abortion
- Crime
- Poverty
- Election Theft
- Buy A Vowel
- Clip Without Context
- Greed
- Spying
- Food
- Elections
- Donald Trump
- Clip Without Context
- Chance
- 5,000
- Bankrupt
- Community Chest
- Donald Trump
- A Random Tweet
- Something Random In The News
- ‘Merica!
- Golf
- 10,000
- Morally Bankrupt
- Guacamole
- Clip Without Context
- Talk Shows
- Holy Shit
- Beating A Dead Horse
- This Fucking Guy
- How Is This Still A Thing?
- Harry Potter
- 15,000
- People Are Dumb
- Donald Trump
- I Need A Drink
- Infowars
- T-Shirt Cannon
- Lightning Round
- Bonus Spin

So let’s get this shit going! Spin that shit! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! Clip without context!



Really, Jim Bakker’s channel is really just the Home Shopping Network for douchebags. Spin it again! And it lands on… wait for it… elections! And with that it’s time for our new segment:



So what is up with Brazil? You know we did our exhaustive World Tour back in the 3rd season of the Top 10 and we visited Brazil back in Idiots #3-13 and noted how Putin’s far right influence was rearing its’ ugly head in South America’s largest country. Well, last week, Putin scored another victory as Brazil elected a guy who’s essentially a tropical version of Trump.





We can only guess that’s an actual artist rendering from Putin’s reaction watching the Brazilian elections. So guess what? Not even 24 hours in and Bolsonaro is met with some huge protests, hey it’s the Trump election all over again!





Holy shit! He couldn’t be more like Trump if he were cloned! In case you’re wondering where Bolsonaro stands on the issues, well, guess what? Once again he’s just like Trump. Let’s delve into more.





I’d tell him where I would like to stick those thumbs. But really you should be very concerned with the direction that Brazil is heading in as they have joined the ranks of Turkey, the Philippines, China, Japan, in that far right populism and fear and economic anxiety is defeating progress. Yes, we are in for some dark times ahead.





Meet the new boss, WORSE than the old boss! Oh so much worse, right? And if you think that we’ve only just begun with Bolsonaro, think again! because he’s got a new BFF in the White House! Get your gag reflexes ready!






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[font size="8"]MAGABomber
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s give the wheel a nice strong spin shall we? Ooh, that was a good spin there. And it lands on… A Random Tweet!

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1056391795523895296

Really? We had two terrorist attacks in a week and you’re concerned about baseball? Also interesting use of the word “shellacked” there, Trump! Because that’s exactly what is going to happen to you next week! Thank you audience! Spin it again! Donald Trump. And you know this week they caught the MAGABomber, and oh yeah, he’s exactly who you’d expect – a loner weirdo living full of Trump stickers with Trump’s enemies list in crosshairs in a van who got kicked out of his home because his mom was afraid of his support for Trump. So here’s more.





OK let’s go through the list and see if he meets the profile. He’s a creepy homeless guy living in a van covered with Trump bumper stickers and was a stripper. As Bill Maher said – have we reached peak Florida? Probably! And by the way we may need to play a game of “Blame Game Bingo” at some point because the GOP refuses to blame anyone but themselves. But this might be the stupidest justification of the incident:





So if we extrapolate, Clinton was responsible for… inciting violence when Trump constantly has rallies where he screams “LOCK HER UP!!!”??? Are you fucking kidding me? We might need to play a game of Blame Game Bingo next week. Because the excuses coming are far and furious. By the way in case you’re wondering the kind of character Caesar Sayoc is, Michael Moore recently unearthed footage of him at a Trump rally:



And you know what? Skip the meme for this one, we need to show you what his van looks like:



Yes that is fucking insane. You think this guy might be Trump’s #1 fan? Depending on how the trial goes, he’ll either have a cell waiting for him at Supermax or he’ll have a cushy job at Fox News. Sadly, that seems to be the way things are going these days. And by the way, Sayoc’s story started out so innocent – he was just an innocent food blogger who turned to the dark side!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s give the wheel a nice spin shall we? And it lands on… wait for it… Chance!



Eh… unlike Trump and Fox News fans, I am actually fine paying my taxes! Spin it again! And it lands on… spying! OK… Ok… OK…. Here’s my whole thing. Remember back during the campaign when they said Hillary was using e-mail servers illegally? Well guess what. I’ll give you five guesses on what Trump is doing with an iPhone. But I always thought he was an Android guy. Yeah that’s exactly it, sir! Trump got hacked, yo! And guess who’s doing the hacking?





So that happened. And of course the White House is going out of their way to actively deny this is happening. What’s the solution you might ask? How does one keep their phone secure when they’re being spied on 24/7? Well China’s got a solution!





Really? A Huawei? He might as well have a sign on his back that says "hack me!" I mean come on we covered Huawei in the Top 10 before and how they’re probably (read: definitely) spying on you through their crappy phones that nobody wants! But of course Trump’s White House is actively going out of their way to deny this is happening.







I mean come on! It’s absolutely no surprise that Trump fails at understanding how technology works, the guy can barely work an umbrella!



Yeah that happened! So why expect him to be able to work an iPhone?






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[font size="8"]How Is This Still A Thing?
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin the wheel again shall we? Wheel goes ‘round, wheel goes ‘round… And it lands on… A Random Tweet!

https://twitter.com/RightWingWatch/status/1056925151814733824

Worst Social Distortion cover ever, by the way. I don’t remember hearing those lyrics in “Ball And Chain”! Spin it again! Oh hey it’s time for “How Is This Still A Thing”! It’s time once again to ask:



This week: Blackface. How is this still a thing? The idea of applying makeup to your skin to appear of a different race is nothing new, and in fact as old as time itself. But in the era known as 2018, some might think of this practice as… being a bit racist. So why would you? Or why wouldn’t you? Well the reason that Blackface is in the news this week is because of Halloween. And one person in particular – NBC’s Megyn Kelly doesn’t appear to believe that the concept of Blackface is racist.





That’s a good point. You can’t be racist if you hate everyone equally. But here’s the thing Megyn, if you have to ask what is racist? You probably don’t know what is racist! However you can’t say something like that in this day and age and not expect the “backlash machine” come after you.





So how racist is blackface? Well it’s been around since the 1920s. And it *ALWAYS* gains controversy at this time of year, every year. And why do people keep doing it? Well they think it’s funny and they always try to pass it off as a joke. But the people it hurts aren’t the ones who are laughing.





Oh they knew it was racist, they just don’t care. But just because Megyn Kelly said it, that doesn’t make it OK. In fact if you’re in a public profession, don’t do it. Hell, if you are in any profession don’t do it. It just makes you… racist.





So that happened. In fact Blackface is something you shouldn’t do no matter what the cause is. Even former first daughter Jenna Bush was horrified at Megyn Kelly’s insensitivity.





There you have it, when a member of the Bush family calls you out for being racist, that’s pretty damn racist! That’s enough to make you ask – Blackface:




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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Election Tampering
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin it to win it! And it lands on… buy a vowel! OK, I will buy an E. OK that looks good, can I solve the puzzle? Halloween! Yes, happy Halloween everybody! And it’s time to announce the winner of our costume contest – winner will get a Top 10 Halloween t-shirt and tickets to enjoy a future Top 10 live production. And that winner is… Chris from Brentwood! That is an amazing Frankenstein costume, give it up for Chris everybody! Spin it again! And it lands on… Top 10 Investigates!



The 2018 midterm elections are merely a week away. But are you ready? Is your local polling place ready? Have you already voted? These and many other questions are ones that you need to ask. But there’s plenty of reports out there that voters are being harassed and intimidated as they attempt to participate as they go to the polls.





Well that was 2 elections ago. but this election as we have a president who has thrown all sense of common decency and rules and laws regarding ethics out the window. So what can you expect when you go to the polls next week? In fact it’s happening all over the country.





And then there’s places where it gets violent. Because this is 2018 and you can easily come to expect that someone with a gun will be at a place where you can vote. In fact there should be more police present at polling place, shouldn’t there?





That happened. So what can you do about it? What can you do to report problems at the polls? Well here’s how it’s going to work because next week we can expect a lot of these stories coming very fast and furious.





Don’t do that. Instead if you see something, say something. Take the same precautions for voter intimidation that they do at the airport. That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? And it lands on… wait for it… Oh it’s another clip without context!



Whoa, I don’t remember that passage in the Bible! Spin it again! Oh hey it’s time for Holy Shit!

Gather around, my fair brothers and sisters of Nashville, it’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church of the Top 10 has convened and it’s our weekly duty to remind you why the holiest among us are also the most full of:



So my fair congregation, I ask you – who is GAWD voting for in next week’s election? There’s two sides to this debate, and the other side wants to claim GAWD for themselves. But it says right here in the Good Book – “GAWD shall not factor into any election for there is separation of church and state”. I know it might not say that in their book, but it definitely says so in ours! But my fellow zealots are claiming that a vote for the other side is a vote against GAWD himself!





Now see conservatives? How hard it is to vote the way that JAYSUS would actually want? It’s not that hard, is it? But of course it means that you should only vote for the Dark One, whose name shall not be named in my church! But apparently that’s not what GAWD wants! At least not according to these people!





Whoa whoa whoa whoa! Let’s back it up here, Kat! Brett Kavanaugh is not GAWD, he’s just a mere mortal, and GAWD would certainly not approve of Brother Brett’s treatment of women! I can guarantee there’s no passage in the Good Book or the Bible where JAYSUS went boofing and 4F-ing. If you’re wondering the kind of candidate that GAWD would approve of, there’s always this guy!





Yes, see JAYSUS would want everyone to get married regardless of who they choose to be with. For it says in our good book and it also says in the Bible “Judge not lest ye be judged!”. But this might be one of the craziest justifications I’ve seen to vote for the Dark One. Really, does Brother Rick protest too much? Yes, he does and this is not the first time he’s suggested such insanity!





There you have it folks, the Christian right is so concerned with losing power that they think that a real life purge is happening! But we don’t want you dead, we just want you out of power and out of our lives! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: False Flag Conspiracies
[br] [/font] [br]

Spin that shit! Wheel goes round, wheel goes round, wheel goes round… and it lands on… another clip without context!



This is my new favorite thing! I could seriously watch this all day! Spin it again! Hey it’s time for Beating A Dead Horse:



You know there’s nothing conservatives love than a good conspiracy. They love that shit. And their favorite conspiracy – their go to – is the false flag conspiracy. Or maybe it’s a conspiracy involving left wing billionaire George Soros. Or maybe it’s a combination of the two, but either way they are lightning fast to any attack – whether it’s the MAGAbomber or the MAGAshooter, to call it a false flag. But they’ve been calling literally *EVERYTHING* a false flag! So in case you’re wondering what a false flag is, it’s a conspiracy wherein the source of the actual attack is being disguised by someone or someone else. But be warned – these types of theories are everywhere!





Yes, yes it does! And just a matter of fact let’s go through all the times Alex Jones called every mass shooter ever a false flag operation:










And that was just in a short find on Youtube! And you know why they’re quick to call everything a false flag? It’s because they can’t deal with reality! They can’t deal with it!





Nah. See here’s the thing conservatives – you’re the party of Trump now! These freaks are your base. Why not own that shit? I’ll tell you why they don’t – they simply don’t care. And these are *HIGH PROFILE* conservatives shouting this stuff. You can only yell about something for so long before people start to tune it out!





Hoax device? The hoax device is the alt right who continue to not see reality! Everything they do is fake, and everything that Trump does is fake! I mean come on, even Trump himself is buying into the false flag nonsense! Well it makes sense – his hair is fake, his teeth are fake, his weight is fake, why wouldn’t his sense of reality be fake as well?






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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Rodney Howard Brown
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin it to win it! And it lands on… Woohoo, I win 15,000 of something! What that is I don’t know, but still, 15,000! Spin it again! And it lands on… This Fucking Guy!



This week’s “This Fucking Guy” is the resident pastor of Infowars, Rodney Howard Browne. This fucking guy. He’s not only the resident pastor of Infowars, he’s also a co conspirator! Yes, any time Alex Jones is out literally yelling at a pile of shit… no we did not make that up, that footage exists!



Maybe it's Alex Jones, maybe it's a false flag! In fact I think some guys in white coats need to come have a nice chat with Mr. Jones. But anyway I’m getting off topic here, this fucking guy Rodney Howard Browne is the type of crazy that Christian conservatives go to and say “that’s pretty fucking crazy!”. So here’s some of the things Mr. Browne has said:





I can only imagine that it kind of went like that. But that’s not the only thing that Mr. Browne has been saying lately. I mean did you know that the people who rule the planet right now worship Lucifer, drink blood, and perform human sacrifices? Neither did we!





Well that’s actually one of the more sane things that Mr. Browne has said and that’s putting it lightly. Mr. Browne really is that batshit fucking crazy. In fact he’s so insane that he actually said that those who criticize laughter during sermons are straight up going to hell.





But here’s probably the craziest thing that Mr. Browne has said lately. So in addition to admitting to being behind one of the dumbest religious movements in history, he’s also going full Hitler and suggesting that Trump’s political opponents be executed for blah blah blah treason something.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! There you have it, that’s Rodney Howard Browne – this week’s:




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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin that shit! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! Bankrupt? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!



Spin it again. Hey it’s time for People Are Dumb! Hit it!



So of course you know by now people are people and people are dumb. And we can never go one week without seeing some ridiculously dumb people. Who is stupid this week you might ask? Well let’s start with this story from Fresno. Look…. Look…. If you see a spider, I know your first instinct may be to try to kill it, but really, yeah, don’t be like this guy. Can we all agree on that one?





Yeah so maybe spiders and blow torches don’t mix. Although it is Fresno, they elected and continue to support Devin Nunes. Next up – we’re going overseas to the country of Belgium. So here’s the thing about heists – if you’re in one, maybe don’t return to the scene of the crime? Because that’s exactly what these guys did.





This might be the dumbest heist since they bought the wrong masks in Baby Driver! Next up we go to Cleveland, Ohio. I don’t know if anyone saw Always Sunny In Philadelphia last week but Charlie got himself caught in a bear trap while going Home Alone against two burglars. Yeah that scene is clearly not to be imitated!





Next we go to of course America’s penis, the state of Florida for this one. And you know we’re going to Orlando next week! But this might be one of the most Florida Halloween stories ever. So if you are going to a costume party or other Halloween party, and if you see two people fighting on the street dressed in costume, you’re in Florida!





Excuse me a minute! Finally this week we’re also sticking with America’s penis – and also speaking of penises – the Buffalo Bills have a very odd tradition going on with the team everyone loves to hate – the New England Patriots, and well, we question his methods of getting a dildo into a stadium.





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Deep State Diaries Episode 18: The Federal Election Commission
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin the wheel one final time this week! And it lands on… Oh hey Donald Trump!



What? Trump can’t work an umbrella and just leaves it there! I mean I could seriously watch this all day and it’s not getting old! Spin it again. Oh hey it’s time for Deep State Diaries!



It’s time for episode 18 of Deep State Diaries. Yes we’re touring the 24 branches and services that make up the United States government. Everything from the FBI to the IRS to the Pentagon to the CIA to the DPW to the DVA to parks and recreation and all branches and services in between. Of course if you’re here you probably already know more about our government and how it works than your average Fox News loving Trump supporter does. So that’s what this segment is going to address. We are going to do a deep dive into all that makes the United States the United States. Because we here at the Top 10 love to educate as well as entertain. Because we care.

[font size="6"]The Federal Election Commission[/font]


Why are we talking about elections so much? Because there’s a major one happening next week and Trump and his fans and goons are going out of their way to make sure it doesn’t happen. But there’s one agency that can stop them. That is the Federal Elections Commission. You might remember them from such SCOTUS cases as “Citizens United vs Federal Elections Commission” – the infamous case that declared that corporations are people and that they can spend unlimited money on campaigns. So how does the FEC monitor PACs?





But of course with that much money exchanging hands there’s *MASSIVE* potential for fraud. Take a look at what happened when a complaint was filed against a North Carolina candidate:





So then what happens when you see that kind of fraud? It’s way different from polling place fraud and intimidation in that reporting it can get caught up in a very messy and tangled bureaucratic nightmare and can take years to sort out. Look at what happened in this one case from Rep Mia Love in Utah.





[font size="6"]Score Card [/font]

Overall importance: C
How Things Are Going: B
Likely hood To Survive: B+

Overall: A-

[font size="6"]Next Week [/font]

Next week we’re going to check out the biggest governing body of them all, the Department Of Defense!



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Marilyn Manson[/font]

**NOTE: Because of the sensitive nature surrounding Marilyn Manson's personal life, his performance will be edited out of future re-airings of this edition**


Thank you Nashville! This was awesome! I knew I picked the right city for a big Halloween show! We are off to Orlando next for our post election special! That's it! Go out and vote! Get out the vote! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Zanies Comedy Club, Nashville, TN
Special Thanks To: Zanies Management
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: 1st Baptist Choir, Nashville, TN
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Marilyn Manson Appears Live Courtesy Of: Loma Vista Recordings
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

October 27, 2018

Preview For This Week's Top 10 Conservative Idiots

Really? A Huawei? He might as well have a sign on his back that says "hack me!"

*audience laughs and applauds*

This week on the Top 10 it's our big Halloween bash live from Smashville! We delve into the MAGAbomber scandal and he might be the stupidest criminal alive, Trump proves to be a classless jackass, Trump also has an epic cyber security fail, Caitlyn Jenner got conned, and we ask how Blackface is still a thing. Plus we've got a new installments of "This Fucking Guy" where we profile Infowars co-host Rodney Howard Brown, and "Beating A Dead Horse" examines how Trump fans love false flag conspiracies. And in our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates - we're going to show you how your vote is possibly being tampered with a week before the midterms. And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", our resident pastor is going to show you who God might be voting for next week. Plus an all new people are dumb and the next installment of Deep State Diaries is going to check ou the Federal Elections Commisssion! All this plus a live performance from the man synonymous with Halloween - Marilyn Manson!

Top 10 Conservative Idiots: Wednesdays at 2:00 PM /shameless self promotion

October 26, 2018

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Wiki

This is a guide to the blog known as the Top 10 Conservative Idiots. The Top 10 Conservative Idiots is a weekly comedy news blog hosted on Democratic Underground. The current era of the Top 10 began on Dec 6th, 2015 and is currently in its' ninth season. Even numbered seasons run from January - Memorial Day weekend, while odd numbered seasons run from June 1st - December 20th, with the exception of the 1st season which ended shortly before the 2016 election. The "show" is hosted in a format that begins with a monologue about random news, followed by a video from one of the major liberal pundits (John Oliver, Stephen Colbert, Bill Maher, Conan O'Brien, Trevor Noah, or Saturday Night Live), followed by a brief description of each piece in the Top 10, followed by a musical act - usually from a liberal musician (though during the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic, this feature has been temporarily discontinued). The show also has recurring segments on various topics.

Season 1 (Dec 2015 - Nov 2016) : https://www.democraticunderground.com/1016169212
Season 2 (Nov 2016 - May 2017) : https://www.democraticunderground.com/10029078791
Season 3 (Jun 2017 - Dec 2017) : https://www.democraticunderground.com/100210008235
Season 4 (Jan 2018 - May 2018) : https://www.democraticunderground.com/100210083764
Season 5 (Jun 2018 - Dec 2018) : https://www.democraticunderground.com/100210720590
Season 6 (Jan 2019 - May 2019) : https://www.democraticunderground.com/100211623942
Season 7 (Jun 2019 - Dec 2019) : https://www.democraticunderground.com/100212164633
Season 8 (Jan 2020 - May 2020) : https://www.democraticunderground.com/100212831883
Season 9 (Jun 2020 - Dec 2020) : https://www.democraticunderground.com/100213570012
Season 10 (Jan 2021 - Jun 2021) : https://www.democraticunderground.com/100214798830
Season 11 (Jun 2021 - Dec 2021) : https://www.democraticunderground.com/100215586273
Season 12 (Jan 2022 - May 2022) : https://www.democraticunderground.com/100216216353
Season 13: (Jun 2022 - Dec 2022) : https://www.democraticunderground.com/100216941147
Season 14 (Jan. 2023 - May 2023): https://www.democraticunderground.com/100217564760
Season 15 (Jun 2023 - Dec 2023): https://www.democraticunderground.com/100218079280
Season 16 (Jan - May 2024):

Recurring Segments:

- How Is This Still A Thing? - A segment asking about the popular status of current trends, conservative talking points, or items in the news that are gaining traction about things that should be left in the past, but inexplicably aren't.

- People Who Somehow Got Elected - A segment detailing the news centering on one particular politician and how that person either holds an office or continues to hold an office.

- This Fucking Guy - A segment similar to "How Is This Still A Thing" that details one particular person or pundit, usually second or third tier republican commentators or religious personalities.

- Holy Shit - A permanent weekly feature created to mimic all the pomp and circumstance of your Sunday sermon, in which a "pastor" presents religious themed news of the week in the language that the Christian right can understand. This pastor is usually accompanied by a gospel choir, yes men, a Bible-like "Good Book", and a congregation.
NOTE: Starting on October 10th, 2021, Holy Shit will become a stand alone spinoff series from the Top 10 with expanded sermons and additional content including answering your prayers from the Holy Shit prayer line, and introducing new religion themed segments in a bi-weekly format.

- Top 10 Investigates - A permanent weekly feature. Created to poke fun at the ridiculousness of sensationalist prime time network news, this segment features news on a particular topic in an investigative format.
NOTE: As of Edition #11-1, Top 10 Investigates will no longer be a weekly feature. It will be a recurring feature.

- The Trumper Games - When a prominent member of the Trump administration either leaves or is fired, the shakeup prompts the host to show why this "tribute" was eliminated in a Hunger Games style broadcast. This segment is done in the style of the announcement broadcast of the Hunger Games TV show within the movie.

- What's Up With Brazil? - A series designed to poke fun at all of the ridiculous news coming from South America's largest country.

- What's Up With India? - A series designed to poke fun at all of the ridiculous news coming from one of the world's largest countries with the world's largest population.

- What's Up With China? - The world's largest country and home to one of the largest populations in the world is currently going through the darkest period in its' history and we document the latest developments in this segment.

- What's Up With France? - France's Yellow Vest protests are tearing the country apart for a small minority going up against the French government, and this segment covers all the insanity going on in and outside Paris.

- What's Up With Texas? - A special 5 part docuseries filmed during our Texas Roadshow that takes us through the inner workings of the Lone Star State and why people have such a love / hate affair with the largest state in the union.

- What's Up With Brexit? - The British special election that saw a large majority of the voters wanting England to leave the European Union is what one might call a "clusterfuck" and it's their equivalent of having Trump president - each day is an absolute shit show and utterly embarrassing, and we comb through the madness.

- So That Happened - When there's so much crazy stuff that happens in the news that it's impossible to keep up, we put all of it into a blender and hit puree and attempt to figure out what exactly happened.

- Ah, It's Not So Bad - A new segment that attempts to find the silver lining in otherwise extremely horrible news items.

- Top 10 Heroes - These are the shining stars of the Top 10 who we feel deserve their own entry. As the late great David Bowie once said - "If we could be heroes, just for one day."

- People Are Dumb - What's a blog called "Top 10 Conservative Idiots" without a segment about stupid people? This is a random, free floating segment that focuses on stupid people doing stupid things, set to the backdrop music of Depeche Mode's "People Are People".

- I Need A Drink - A segment where we kick back, have some drinks, get drunk, and discuss literally anything in the news as long as it doesn't relate to politics.

- Beating A Dead Horse - When a topic, talking point, or news item has been beaten to death by conservatives or anyone else in the news for that matter, Beating A Dead Horse explains that the topic needs to end because it's been beaten to death already.

- Profiles In #Civility - After California representative Maxine Waters suggesting that the right and left be more civil to each other, this segment documents that it indeed has the opposite effect.

- Explaining Jokes To Idiots - When a movie, documentary, TV show or other news item draws scorn from the media and from reviewers, this segment explains the concept of humor to people who don't quite get it.

- We're All Gonna Die - When there's an item in the news that could signal a worldwide catastrophe (disease, war, pollution, etc), this segment makes fun of the sensationalist way network news predicts that, yeah, we could all potentially die from this.

- Is It Racist? - It's the new game that's sweeping the nation! When a politician or celebrity is accused of dishing out some old school racism, this game will help you decide what's real and what isn't. Oh and yeah it's probably racist.

- This Week In Hate - This segment covers all the horrible things (or thing) that the AM hate radio sphere is talking about this week and mercilessly mocks their horrible talking points.

- Top 10 Movie Vault - When a movie, popular or otherwise, dominates the headlines whether it's good or bad, the Top 10 Movie Vault will dissect all the madness so you can make a choice whether or not to go see it.

- Top 10 Mystery Machine - Channel your inner Scooby Doo and help solve a mystery that might be taking over the headlines! And they would have got away with it too, if not for those meddling kids!

- World Tour - While discontinued, the World Tour featured news and culturally relevant information about the country of the week and followed a format that featured many different countries around the world and graded them on a scale of how likely you are to visit that particular country.

- This Will Work, Fact! - The news may be clueless what to do in a situation where one story dominates the news, but we have solutions, and that's what this segment is for!

- Top 10 For Dummies - Created in the style of the popular series of "For Dummies" how to guides, this feature centers around a lecture series about one particular topic spread through a series of multiple parts.

- Deep State Diaries - A segment created that examines all of the branches and services that make up the United States government and explains what they actually do to conspiracy theorists and grades them on a scale of how likely they are to survive the current administration.

- Red State Diaries - New for season 11! Much like our season 3 World Tour, this tour is going to give a brief introduction of all the states that voted conservative in the 2020 election and just talk about them and find out what is up, then give them a rating based on a four point scale.

- What's Up With Texas? - Our special 5 part series explored the Lone Star State in search of the immigrant crisis, bad times at Chik-Fil-A, gulf coast cleanup, and campus life at rivaling universities.

- #KnowYourMeme - If your friends or relatives are passing around pro-Trump memes on Facebook, Twitter, or your social media platform of choice, this segment will explain in plain English, using facts, that those memes are complete and utter bullshit. Or in Trump's language, fake news.

- Keeping Up With The Candidates - In a hotly contested political season with 24 candidates running, the Top 10 is going to present to you our first ever official voters' guide with a handy way to keep track of all 24 candidates running and some extra bonus content in the election to end all elections!

- Conspiracy Corner - When there's an event that cannot be explained through logic and reason, people turn to conspiracy theories to explain the unexplainable. We turn on our trusty tin foil hats to cut through all the madness surrounding what's real and what's fake!

- The Maskhole Files - 2020 is the year of the coronavirus pandemic and as such, those who refuse to wear masks, which we call appropriately, "Maskholes", are freaking out in public day after day and refusing to abide by CDC guidelines. We put all the best (or worst) tales of this sub genus of humans in this segment.

- Parlerfiles - When alt right trolls get banned from mainstream social media sites, they flock to message appropriate forums like Parler and Gab, where they can be as dangerous and scary as they want to be and free from consequences! This free floating segment complies some of the best (or worst) of the insanity out there.

- Good Guys With Guns - Whenever guns and mass shootings dominate the news, it's always fun to take a look at the lighter side of stupid people with weapons and refute popular NRA talking points. Responsible gun owners? We got plenty of them! And it's never the right time to talk about guns because these people let the guns do their talking for them!

- The Top 10 World Of Sports - Our first ever sports related segment is going to take a look at all kinds of sports whether it's the major leagues or the minor leagues, the big leagues or the most obscure! Everything from baseball to basketball to hockey to rugby to football to soccer to dodgeball, you name it, we'll cover it!

- The Road To The White House - The election of Joseph R. Biden was unprecedented with him ousting incumbent president Donald Trump. This segment, now discontinued, document the journey from the end of the election to the inauguration of President Biden and Vice President Harris and beyond!

- Late Stage Capitalism - When corporate greed reaches unprecedented new heights, corporations begin to siphon your every last dollar in unspeakably horrible new ways! Late Stage Capitalism explores all of the terrible things that the Jeff Bezos' and Richard Bransons and Elon Musks and Mark Zuckerbergs of the world come up with to squeeze your wallets!

- The Pride Files - Our first ever segment dedicated to the LGBT themed news of the day! Whether it's the local pride parade or it's transphobia, or it's a wedding shop that refuses to bake wedding cakes for the billionth time, we're here to cover all of the gay themed news whether it's good or bad!

- The Top 10 World Of Sports - Our sports themed segment covers all the sports news of the world - whether it's an NFL football player shooting his mouth off about vaccines or a soccer player goes streaking, we're there for it!

Stupidest State Contest:

An annual contest that takes 16 states (usually all red states but that could change any time) that centers around the fictional "National For Fuck's Sake Association" and four distinct conferences from two leagues - the Layover League and the Flyover League - in 16 match ups that take course over the season and the championship is held on the season finale. Each conference has a variety of states that all center around one thing that binds them. The conferences are as follows:

- Batshit Conference - The Batshit Conference is the conference that centers around states that the craziest news comes from, and they elect the craziest politicians possible.
States: California, Washington, New York, Rhode Island, Maine, Georgia, Kentucky, Virginia, Vermont, New Hampshire, Texas, North Dakota, South Dakota, Hawaii
- The Gun Nut Conference - The Gun Nut Conference is centered around the states in the country where gun rights are put above human rights, and the senators and representatives elected to Congress have a place on the NRA's fabled A+ list.
States: Arizona, Florida, Idaho, Missouri, New Mexico, Oregon, Montana, Illinois, Maryland,
- The Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference - Generally centering around mid western states, the states in this conference are states where money influences state legislation, and lawmakers are influenced by conservative think tanks like the Heritage Foundation.
States: Kansas, Oklahoma, Nebraska, Tennessee, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Connecticut, Iowa, Wisconsin, Colorado, Alaska
- The Family Values Conference - This conference centers around the states where the churches, Jesus, and God take precedent over judgement and due process.
States: Indiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Arkansas, Ohio, Louisiana, South Carolina, North Carolina,

Wheel Of Corruption:

The Wheel Of Corruption is a Top 10 feature that spans the entire length of the edition. The name of these editions is different from the regular Top 10 in that they make fun of ridiculous movie sequel or franchise titles. A giant wheel with about 50 different options spins and the host must discuss whatever the wheel lands on. Each entry in the Top 10 lands two spins. Common elements include clips without context, guacamole, and t-shirt cannons.

Top 10 Live:

The fifth season of the Top 10 has been going out on the road to comedy clubs across the country.

The Top 10 Twitter Account

The official account for the Top 10 Conservative Idiots is @10Idiots which updates regularly with new Top 10 editions, previews for the next week and tweets relevant information pertaining to the liberal community. Note: As of December 31st, 2022, due to Elon Musk's hostile takeover of the Twitter platform and his gross mishandling of it, the Top 10 Twitter account and the Holy Shit Twitter accounts will both be terminated. New accounts will be setup on Mastodon.social in 2023. An official Top 10 Conservative Idiots Subreddit is also in the works.

The Holy Shit Twitter Account

Pastor Initech has setup the official Twitter account for the Holy Church Of The Top 10. If following all the wacky things the Christian right says and does is your thing, then hit up the official Twitter account at @churchofTop10. You can chat with the good Rev, and get your prayers answered and even suggest new topics and sermons for the church to cover! Note: As of December 31st, 2022, due to Elon Musk's hostile takeover of the Twitter platform and his gross mishandling of it, the Top 10 Twitter account and the Holy Shit Twitter accounts will both be terminated. New accounts will be setup on Mastodon.social in 2023.

The Top 10 Mastodon Accounts

The Top 10 has shut down the official Top 10 Twitter accounts and has setup shop on Mastodon! Now follow the Top 10 at:

- Top 10 Conservative Idiots: Top10ConIdiots@mstdn.party
- Holy Shit: churchoftop10@mstdn.party

Both accounts will be active as of 1/1/23.

The Top 10 G-Mail Account

Another way to get in touch with the Top 10 is through the official G-Mail account which is found at: Top10Idiots@gmail.com, you can e-mail the Top 10 with any questions, comments, concerns, and yes, we even accept hate mail!

Initech Productions

Initech Productions is the company that puts on the Top 10 live production. The home offices for the Top 10 are located close to our main stage, the Observatory OC in Santa Ana, California.

October 24, 2018

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-17: Lock, Stock & Two Smirking Grins Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-17: Lock, Stock & Two Smirking Grins Edition



Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up Philadelphia???? So how about the Eagles? I mean that’s what I would have said last year but this year… eh. Yeah I think most Eagles fans can agree with me on that one, right? But. I got to say it’s good to be back! You know I love a good cheese steak but man did I miss the crab fries! Lord, those are good. Do they put crack in those things? Because I literally could eat an entire order and maybe another one and maybe another one. Do we have time for the thing? Hey advertisers stop attaching your name to things! Nobody is going to call it “Anaheim House Of Blues Presented By Cricket Wireless”. No! They just call it the “House Of Blues”. And I mean have you seen Cricket Wireless stores? They're in shopping centers with bars on the windows! The kind of places where the buses don't run and you feel like you could be stabbed at any minute. And I can't believe any sane person out there actually *WANTS* a Galaxy J7. No! People want the iPhone XR with the 6 inch screen and 512GB of storage. The Galaxy J7 is the phone you get after you're rejected for about 15 other different phones before it including Samsung's Galaxy S9 which I have. The people who are buying Cricket Wireless phones there are not the kind of people who go to concerts at the House Of Blues. But I will tell you what advertisers are not attaching their name to – Halloween costumes! Yes, I saw this on Twitter and could not stop laughing. So there’s a thing where people are posting just the jankiest Halloween costumes you can find. Because you know, licensing rights are expensive! In fact can we show a few of these? Like instead of Harley Quinn, you can dress as Misfit Sidekick! Instead of Neo from the Matrix, you can go as Cyber Man! Yes, it’s the new adventures of Cyber Man! Instead of dressing as Alicia Silverstone from Clueless, you can go as Notionless. Or instead of Mario – there’s Video Game guy! Or the even jankier Mushroom Bros! Instead of Prince, there’s 80s Purple Musician! Instead of Waldo, there’s Where’s The Stripey Dude? Why go as Beatlejuice when you can go as Juice Demon? Or my personal favorite – you can go as the top student from Chogwarts! OK that’s enough of the intro, we got a lot of idiocy to get to. But first Stephen Colbert breaks down Trump’s 180 on Lyin’ Ted Cruz:



Remember last week when I said that we wouldn’t be covering the Khashoggi killing? Well we’re still not doing that but we will cover Mike Pompeo’s (1) trip to Saudi Arabia and it might be the single worst diplomatic mission in US history. In the second slot this week is of course the guy who we still call president, Donald Trump (2) – which has been up to some stunning evil this week including advocating for violence against journalists and possibly erasing the term “transgender” from existence. This is some Hitler-esque shit here. Taking the 3rd slot this week is also Donald Trump (3) – and there’s been some new developments in that infamous Trump Tower meeting before the election and we will tell you all about it. For number 4 this week, is Sheriff Joe (4). Remember him and how he got his ass handed to him in Arizona’s primaries? Well he’s suing the NYT for an ungodly amount of money over an unflattering piece published last week. At number 5, we’ve got a brand new installment of our investigative series Top 10 Investigates (5) and this week we’re going to talk some football – was the move for the Chargers to Los Angeles worth it? The answer, not surprisingly, is no. For the 6th seed this week we have of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week our resident pastor is going to do a deep dive into Portland’s premier fundamentalist Christian fight club for angry white men everywhere – Patriot Prayer! At number 7 this week we have a new installment of one of our favorite series, “This Fucking Guy” and this week we’re going to profile Proud Boys founder and the guy who literally thinks violence is the answer to everything, Gavin McInnes (7). In the number 8 slot we’ve got a new installment of our ongoing segment “What’s Up With India?” because you know India is crazy and we’re going to tell you all about it. Nice knowing everybody! To quote the late, great James Brown – people, it’s bad! At number 9 (NEIN!!!!) this week we’ve got an all new installment of People Are Dumb, because of course people are dumb! Finally this week we’ve got our ongoing series Deep State Diaries and this time we’re going to Arlington, Virginia to visit the FBI! Yes, do your best Ed Wood impression here. Plus we’ve got some awesome music from a great jazz-funk band from the South – St. Paul & The Broken Bones are stopping by! Really buy their new album “Young Sick Camelia” or you’re no friend of the show. And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Mike Pompeo
[br] [/font] [br]

Unless you’ve been living under a rock by now you’ve probably heard of the gruesome disappearance and murder of Jamal Khashoggi, a journalist for the Washington Post who was killed at the hands of the Saudi Consulate in Istanbul. But what happened? What went down? All Trump seems to think about is that $110 billion weapons deal and really – does Saudi Arabia need more weapons at this point? You know they would use them for no good. Especially after this happened.



You know what? Screw the meme! Let’s just show that photo for a second.



For the record, let's call this piece "Lock, Stock, and Two Smirking Grins". You can't get much more evil than this folks! Thank you audience! You know last week we avoided talking about Khashoggi but we got to talk about the evil that’s happened since then since that’s really all we can do. And guess what? They denied it!





Yes, hold it, wait a minute. What the fuck happened? And why did Saudi Arabia pay the US $100 million on the day of Pompeo’s visit? This one makes absolutely no fucking sense!





Yes, quid pro quo! And are we really surprised that the Trump administration is lying their asses off about this whole thing? This whole thing is like an onion – the more you peel back the layers, the more it stinks, and the more you are likely to cry as a result. I mean this is about as fucked up as it gets.





Holy shit! And that’s from a pro-government Turkish newspaper at that! Hey Infowars fans – this is what an actual conspiracy looks like! Yes, real conspiracies and not your made up ones. Because we all know that Erdogan is a Putin stooge and this is about as crazy as it gets.






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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It’s pretty much no secret that the Christian right has been dictating Trump’s policies since he stormed his way into the oval office. Now, what might be one of his most truly evil and stunning policies, one that people would dare call “Nazi-esque” would rear its’ ugly head. Yes, it is time to go there, I mean come on he referred to himself as a “nationalist” at a rally this week. You know who else calls themselves nationalists? Hitler. Stalin. Mussolini. Pol Pot. Pinochet. Putin. Milosevic. Gaddafi. You know – Trump’s people. Now you can add him to the list!





Seriously I think even Hitler is somewhere going “Damn that’s pretty fuckin’ evil!”. But guess what folks – you know what his official stance on this is? He’s doing this for our “protection”. Protection from what? People expressing themselves in their true form?





He’s seriously out of control and the Christian right has gone mad with power. I mean come on, you ever try going mad without power? It’s boring! No one listens to you! But guess what? You can’t erase people with a memo. This isn’t Infinity War and Trump and the Christian right are not Thanos.





Well let’s hope it doesn’t come to that! I mean here’s the fucking irony – aren’t these people supposed to be for smaller government? This is about as big government as it gets. Hell, it’s gigantic government at its’ finest. And really what would happen if it were redefined?






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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So what exactly happened in that infamous Trump Tower meeting that took place in June of 2016 when Trump and his cohorts conspired to steal the election from Hillary Clinton? We may never know what exactly went down since Trump will decry any sort of actual facts as “fake news” or a “Soros conspiracy” because you know, Soros is responsible for all the GOP conspiracy theorists’ woes. But really, there’s been some crazy new developments happening. But here’s the weird thing – did you know that Russia set up a shadow corporation? This is the stuff of conspiracy theories, folks!





Now here’s the really fucked up thing – you know Voldemort, er, Vladimir Putin, has a way of making his enemies and detractors disappear, you know the way a good dictator would. Here’s something crazy that happened this week:





No collusion! No collusion! No collusion! How can they say there’s no collusion when you look around and it’s literally happening everywhere? It’s even happening with the people who were involved with the meeting! Seriously!





You know Vlad is doing that somewhere. Wouldn’t it be great if this were like a video game and Vlad is the final boss but then like a Final Fantasy villain he reveals himself to have far greater powers than you could ever imagine? But he can be defeated!






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[font size="8"]Sheriff Joe
[br] [/font] [br]

You know conservatives are like bad weeds. You use a weed killer and new ones will sprout up just a few minutes later. Just look at Roy Moore who’s failed as a judge but thought he could make it as a senator – and he got spit out the bottom of the conservative barrel. Which brings me to Joe Arpaio – the guy known as Sheriff Joe. Yeah he’s the textbook definition of the movie version of the “villain won’t die” cliché. So he failed as a sheriff and got his ass handed to him in Arizona’s primaries. So what’s a down trodden guy like Sheriff Joe supposed to do?





You know it’s not in the Top 10 policy to kick a man when he’s down but considering Sheriff Joe actually tortured people, exceptions have to be made, damn it! What about the people who filed lawsuits against him? You know he may be paying all those people out!





At least Sheriff Joe isn’t *THAT* clueless with a gun, though we secretly suspect that he is. So you might be asking, what does the New York Times think of the New York Times lawsuit? Well that is a good question and I answer you with:





Yeah you know he’s giving thumbs up for this. But since conservatives have a habit of taking things out of context, let’s take a look at the actual New York Times piece, shall we?






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates
[br] [/font] [br]

Philadelphia it’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



Not even two years ago, the city of Los Angeles was without the NFL. While the rest of the country enjoyed NFL franchises, Los Angeles did not have one. Until last year when the LA Rams finally decided to move from St Louis to LA. But then things got shook up when the San Diego Chargers jumped ship and moved to Los Angeles. The recent death of Chargers owner Alex Spanos sought to answer many questions about the Chargers’ ill-advised move, such as could the city support two NFL franchises? The answer is a not at all shocking no.





So the biggest problem for the fledgling Chargers? Their cross-town rivals, the LA Rams. The Rams have a bigger fanbase, a bigger budget and they’re getting the new stadium before the Chargers could ever get one in San Diego.





Yes, the owners of the Chargers should probably get one of those. But guess what? Despite all the attendance claims and the negative press, the Chargers aren’t leaving. But what happened when the Chargers played San Francisco’s 49ers this week?





Yeah they probably are and you know it’s a bad thing when most of the fans at your stadium are there to cheer for the other team. But apparently like a relative visiting on a holiday they’re staying put for the duration and then some.





So the Chargers may be staying put, but one thing is clear in the fight between the Chargers and the Rams for the title of LA’s team – no matter what happens, the Oakland Raiders are the most popular team in LA.





That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around, my fair brothers and sisters of Philadelphia, it’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church of the Top 10 has convened and it’s our weekly duty to remind you why the holiest among us are also the most full of:



My fair congregation!!! You know that Saturday Night’s All Right For Fighting! I heard someone say something like that once. No it wasn’t Sir Elton, although that would make sense. Thank you sir! And while there’s a non secular fight club on the east coast called the “Proud Boys”, this group has been trying to take over Portland like nobody’s business. And just like that secular group, this group called “Patriot Prayer” is certainly going to take over downtown Portland. Or are they?





You know even the good LAWRD JAYSUS thinks this is ridiculous! I mean really I have read and memorized the Good Book from cover to cover and I don’t remember anywhere where it said that JAYSUS shot first and asked questions later! Thank you! I mean did he pray six times or only five? I don’t remember that passage! Yes, that was from the book of Harry, sir! But once again there were more counter protesters than actual protesters. But of course if you’re going to show up to a Patriot Prayer rally, you’re going to get into a fight! Because that’s how they roll.





Sounds about right. Oh and nobody hates more than Patriot Prayer, they’re the original player haters, and like all horrible things, the group started shortly after the Dark One – whose name shall not be mentioned in my church - assumed power. But unlike that other group, the Patriot Prayer warriors are armed and dangerous, and they’re not afraid to use them!





Yes, even SAYTAN himself condemns this group of prayer warriors to the fiery pits of the darkest regions of HELL! Because that’s where these sinners are going! But guess what? Just like Deadpool they’re taking their fight international! Coming soon to a city near you – this shit!





Well, Joey, you can talk all you want! Doesn’t mean that anyone is going to listen, and you’re probably going to get into a fight or two! By the way, how great is our gospel choir? Give it up for them! Can I get an amen??? But really the take away here is that these guys are dangerous and insane and you can’t get away from them!





There you have it folks! The devil has spoken and it is through Patriot Prayer! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s time for a new edition of:



This week’s “This Fucking Guy” goes to the extremely racist and ultra violent founder of the Alt Right gang known as the Proud Boys, Gavin McInnes. Like all horrible things, the Proud Boys started after Trump won the 2016 election. But if you were to look up the word “psychopath” in the dictionary you’d see pictures of Mr. McInnes. He’s the kind of guy who you wouldn’t take home to mother, and he’s certainly the type of violent psycho who would take candy from a baby and then spit in their faces because hey, there’s no free handouts. But here’s the bizarre thing about the Proud Boys – everywhere they go, Antifa is sure to follow. It’s almost like watching a really fucked up episode of Spy Vs Spy, and you can’t help but wonder if they have synced up drinking schedules or something. So what did the Proud Boys to do “own the libs” this week?





Come on, how do the Proud Boys always attract Antifa whenever they go out drinking? It’s like moths to a bug zapper! How do these guys always meet in the same place at the same time? Seriously it’s almost as if someone is pulling both of their strings. Maybe it’s Mr. McInnes? But attend a Proud Boys rally and no matter which side you’re on, you’re bound to get arrested!





But that wasn’t the only evil thing that the Proud Boys have been up to this week. So by now you may have seen the video going around of Cuban protestors heckling Nancy Pelosi at the Florida DNC offices this week. Well guess who was behind it?





Yup! There he is, the king of Trump douchedom, Gavin McInnes! Right there behind yet another angry tirade directed at liberals, because, reasons. Oh and by the way you know how fucked up and angry the Proud Boys are? They’re so fucking angry that they will show up to rallies that never existed! To paraphrase Bugs Bunny – “What a bunch of maroons!”





Which begs the question – if a bunch of right wing trolls get trolled, who are the real trolls? That’s Gavin McInnes and the Proud Boys – this week’s :




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[font size="8"]What’s Up With India?
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s time to ask:



Yes it’s the segment where we delve into all the batshit crazy news coming out of the former subcontinent which has a population that’s almost 10 times more than the next 15 countries combined and when that happens you’re bound to get some batshit insanity happening. So if you live in a major city like Philadelphia or Los Angeles, you’ve probably seen these assholes lying in giant piles on city streets. Lewis Black even did a bit on it on the Daily Show a couple of weeks ago. Yup – the Bird scooters are coming to Indian streets near you!





Well hey we’ve at least pinpointed the origin of these things, maybe if we shut down the factory we can turn them all off, like in Independence Day! Now if that’s not crazy enough, when there’s a movie that is as popular and original as “Crazy Rich Asians”, wait until you see what happens when the movie premiered in India.





People give the FCC a lot of shit here, but at least we’re allowed to say words like “suck” and “skank”, ah isn’t freedom great? But there is one thing that India is not free from and that is Donald Trump. Damn it, just can one place in the entire world be free from hearing about him? Well, guess what happened to India’s stock market when Trump started attacking it? Well…





And by the way speaking of Trump, you know he’s trying to do away with California’s laws on smog protection. So if that happens, expect what’s happening in India to happen in California and maybe even all around the country as Trump looks to make pollution great again! So if pollution reaches these scary levels, California might want to enforce a fireworks ban:






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hey Philadelphia it’s time for People Are Dumb!



So of course by now you know that people are people and people are dumb. And it’s been two weeks since we last did one of these so there’s a lot of stupid people piling up! So I want to start with this story out of India. People, when you’re on a flight, it’s probably best if you leave the exit doors on the plane alone, especially, if, I don’t know, it’s in flight!





Yeah it was kind of like that. Next up – we go to Iowa for this story. You know it’s one thing to get a friend or relative an intervention. But intervention doesn’t mean “by excessive force”. At least there weren’t soda cans full of wine involved!





Next up – we go to Springfield, Missouri for this one (WOOOOOOOOO!!! Springfield!). So, people… people if you’re under arrest for something, and specifically if you’re under house arrest, maybe don’t post a video on Youtube about how to remove your ankle monitor!





Well hey it’s all well and good until someone tries to remove an ankle monitor! Next up – sigh… do I really need to point how absurdly stupid the idea of the emotional support animal is getting? And by the way, if I board a plane and I see someone who has an “emotional support squirrel”, I am not sitting next to that person!





Oh come on, you’re on Frontier Airlines! This is the airline that has animal tales on all their planes. I think this story would be more ironic if this woman were on the plane that had a squirrel on the tale. And finally for people are dumb, and speaking of airplanes, we have to bring you to bring you this story. You know maybe in this case, imitation really *isn’t* the most sincere form of flattery. And this might be the worst excuse ever, but the guy honestly is not wrong here:





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Deep State Diaries Episode 17: The FBI
[br] [/font] [br]



It’s time for episode 2 of Deep State Diaries. Yes we’re touring the 24 branches and services that make up the United States government. Everything from the FBI to the IRS to the Pentagon to the CIA to the DPW to the DVA to parks and recreation and all branches and services in between. Of course if you’re here you probably already know more about our government and how it works than your average Fox News loving Trump supporter does. So that’s what this segment is going to address. We are going to do a deep dive into all that makes the United States the United States. Because we here at the Top 10 love to educate as well as entertain. Because we care.

[font size="6"]The FBI[/font]


We need some music for this one:



Yes, the truth is out there, folks! So this week we’re heading out to Langley, Virignia to visit the organization known as the Federal Bureau of Investigations. THE FBI!!!!! Whew, that was very well timed, sound effects guy! But the FBI does more than just investigate extra terrestrial activity as their X-Files unit clearly shows. So what makes the FBI the FBI? Why are conservatives so afraid of the FBI and why do they constantly attack it?





Of course they weren’t. Because they don’t exist! Damn Trump and his conspiracy theorist lunatic fanbase – you guys are intentionally wasting the FBI’s time. You want to know what an actual FBI investigation looks like? Here’s one.





Yeah probably. Getting involved with the FBI is no joke. And people make jokes and take pot shots at the FBI all the time. But one thing the FBI is investigating? The Catholic Church. Yes we’ve talked for quite a bit about the Catholic Church’s egregious mishandling of abuse cases, but the FBI may be getting involved in one town.





Yeah there’s no making fun of that so we won’t try. Although there was that awesome episode of South Park a couple of weeks ago where the town gathered at the church every Sunday just so they could make fun of priests abusing kids. But getting back on topic, do you think you have what it takes to join the FBI? There’s an app for that!





[font size="6"]Score Card [/font]

Overall importance: A
How Things Are Going: B
Likely hood To Survive: A+

Overall: A-

[font size="6"]Next Week [/font]

It’s time to visit the organization that handles our mail and precious cargo, the United States Post Office, and do your best Newman impression here!


[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]St. Paul & The Broken Bones[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen my next guest is an awesome jazz funk band from Birmingham, Alabama. You can see them on tour everywhere in February and March of 2019, playing their song “Apollo” from their album Young Sick Camelia give it up for St Paul & The Broken Bones!



Philadelphia, we love you! We’ll be back soon, we promise! We’re off to Nashville next for our big Halloween bash! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Punchline Philly, Philadelphia, PA
Special Thanks To: Punchline Management
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: LaSalle Choir Club, Philadelphia, PA
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
St Paul & The Broken Bones Appear Courtesy Of: 2018 Records
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

October 20, 2018

Preview For This Week's Top 10 Conservative Idiots

For the record, let's call this piece "Lock, Stock, and Two Smirking Grins". You can't get much more evil than this folks!

*audience applauds wildly*

This week on the Top 10 we are live from Philadelphia! We delve into Mike Pompeo's Saudi Arabia trip, Trump goes a step further and suggests a border war, there's some shocking new developments in the Mueller probe, Sheriff Joe sues the New York Times, we profile Gavin McInnes in "This Fucking Guy" and we open up the Top 10 Movie Vault to review Diamond & Silk's stunningly awful new documentary "Dummycrats". Whew. Plus in our weekly investigative piece "Top 10 Investigates" we're going to take a look at football and ask was the Chargers' move to LA worth it? (hint: no). And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", our resident pastor is going to do a deep dive into the alt right Christian fight club known as Patriot Prayer. Forget Saturday Night, it seems Sunday Morning is all right for fighting! Neither did we! And we've got a new installment of "What's Up With India" because they are crazy. Plus an all new people are dumb because people are dumb. And the next installment of our ongoing series Deep State Diaries is going to take us to the FBI (do your best Ed Wood impression here)! All this plus a live performance from St Paul & The Broken Bones!

Top 10 Conservative Idiots: Wednesdays at 2:00 PM /shameless self promotion

October 17, 2018

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-16: The College Dropout Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-16: The College Dropout Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up BOSTON???? Yes I am in Red Sox territory so… how about them? Yeah! But that Patriots – Chiefs game… what the fuck??? Although I will say that I heavily support Tyreek Mill getting a face full of beer and a middle finger, but considering what he did, that dude got off light. But we got to move on, this is a comedy show! Not a horror movie! So I want to start with a heartfelt RIP… to Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande’s relationship. Yes, we need the Sad Hulk Music for this one! But one of my favorite aspects of celebrity relationships is when celebrities get premature tattoos. I’m not a tattoo guy, but I love premature tattoos. Like you know somewhere out there, there’s a Brewers fan out there who got a “Brewers 2018 World Series Champions” tattoo even though they’re only 2 games into the NLCS! And you know there’s a Lakers fan who got a “Lebron MVP” tattoo even though we’re still in preseason! But really, Pete, did you really think that your relationship with Ariana was going to go very far? And how much is tattoo removal? I don’t know, but does anyone have any guesses? How much? And I’m guessing that is going to be quite painful too. Well it’s really his loss. OK that’s enough of the intro, we got a lot of idiocy to get to, but first, John Oliver is back and he delves into the US relationship with Saudi Arabia (currently in the running for the worst country on earth) :



**NOTE: We are *NOT* going to cover the Jamal Khashoogi killing (at least this week) as it is another one of those stories where it would go against the Top 10 policy of making fun of tragedy. Sorry. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.**

In the number one slot this week is a twofer – Kanye West and Donald Trump (1). We got to delve into Kanye’s visit to the White House because, reasons. Taking the second slot this week, Trump’s wife Melania Trump (2) is on a World Deplorable tour of her own and made some absolutely absurd claims about bullying and we are going to examine a few of those. Taking the 3rd slot this week we have Trump’s BFF Alex Jones (3) and he’s literally turning into that episode of Seinfeld where George gets fired and he refuses to leave, we’ll tell you more about that. For the 4th seed this week Stormy Daniels is back and she and Trump (4) exchange jabs at each other after a judge dismisses her lawsuit against the orange president, and no, Stormy, we don’t need further details, thanks! At number 5 is a brand new edition of Top 10 Investigates and this time we’re going to talk about travel, specifically long haul flights, and Singapore Airlines recently launched the world’s longest flight – are you up for it? Taking the 6th slot this week we have of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week our resident pastor is going to talk the end of the world. Just how close are we and what is our brethren on the other side saying about it? Find out! At number 7, last week we asked “What’s Up With India?” and this week we’re going to ask “What’s Up With Brazil?” because their elections are coming and they are about to elect a far right Putin stooge despite that he’s the less popular candidate. Gee, where have I heard that before? At number 8 we have a new installment of “How Is This Still A Thing?” and this week after South Park took a jab at an ongoing controversy involving a character on a competing show, we’re going to ask – “The Simpsons’ Apu: How Is This Still A Thing?”. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week we’ve got a new installment of my favorite segment “I Need A Drink” and we’re going to talk passwords – specifically Kanye’s. Yep, that happened. And finally the next installment of our ongoing series Deep State Diaries, we’re going to hang out with the best of the best – the United States Marine Corps! Plus we’ve got the best dressed band in music – the Mighty Mighty Bosstones are going to be joining us! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Trump Vs Kanye
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Fresh off his recent stint berating the SNL audience and berating the oval office, we got to talk about how batshit insane Kanye has become. And here’s the thing Kanye that you need to realize that no one else will tell you – Trump is using you, man. He’s using you and he’s playing you like a fiddle, like he is with literally every celebrity that’s come out in favor of him. And I mean come on, when Dave Chappelle calls you out and says you went too far, you went too fucking far!





Yeah probably! But there’s a lot of crazy things that happened during that whole visit to the Oval Office last week. And don’t worry – we’ll get to the epic passcode fail in a minute. But for now all you need to know is that Kanye is really the black Trump. He’s the college dropout, don’t you know?





By the way so you know while Melania is on her world deplorable tour (which we will get to in a minute), Kanye imitated Dave Chappelle and went to Africa because… why not?





And by the way this might be the single craziest thing to come out of that whole Kanye and Trump meeting – he proposed a bizarre futuristic looking airplane that he thinks should be made by Apple, because… reasons. Really you can’t make this shit up!






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[font size="8"]Melania Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

OK so we might be at that point in the movie where the team splits and goes their separate ways only to reconvene in the end and be… happy… I guess? Maybe if you were to go the Wes Anderson route. But really, so Melania went to Africa to promote her “#BeBest” campaign, and really, if you’re going to promote a Twitter hashtag, why not promote in countries that don’t really have proper internet access yet?





Because if there’s one thing Africa needs to be reminded of, it’s colonization! I mean really you couldn’t possibly get more insensitive than that. Ah, who am I kidding? This is the Trump administration we’re talking about here. They got elected on their insensitivity! And you want insensitive? Well it doesn’t get more insensitive than this!





To which I respond with “I really don’t care. Do U?”. Thank you audience! And by the way, we might want to cue the world’s tiniest violin straight for her. So is Melania Trump really the most bullied person in the world? Well she’s married to the guy who might be the biggest bully in the world, that’s for damn sure!





Oh womp womp! Yeah that’s the world’s tiniest violin playing just for Melania. Oh and by the way if you want to take a trip to Egypt, maybe the Pyramids are the one place where you don’t put your best fashion foot forward. And by the way Melania, it’s kind of hard to focus on what you do when you don’t do anything.






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[font size="8"]Alex Jones
[br] [/font] [br]

Remember that episode of Seinfeld where George’s boss discovers that he faked being handicapped and attempted to fire George, and George refused to leave, so the boss did everything he could to force George out? Well it’s kind of like that for Infowars, and we may need to get the Sad Hulk Music going for this one. But apparently there’s one outlet that’s still mysteriously keeping Infowars alive and it’s getting really strange. For those of you keeping score at home here’s who has banned Infowars so far. Paypal.





I can imagine that will eventually happen to Infowars. I mean could you imagine that Alex is climbing through the vents at Infowars HQ screaming about the “Deep State”? I’m just laughing just thinking about this scenario – and he’s already red enough! So guess what? Alex is fighting back! He’s suing Paypal because, reasons.





Oh Alex, how many times do we need to tell you? You’re not getting banned because of your political bias, you’re getting banned because you’re a hateful dick! And companies these days don’t want to be associated with hate speech. And I thought you guys hated trial lawyers! Or are you going to represent yourself? And you know what they say about that right?





No, they do have merit. See, we point out time and time again that companies have this thing called a “terms of service agreement” that you probably didn’t read when you signed up, so of course you’re going to scream “wolf”. By the way one of Trump’s favorite punching bags – CNN’s Jim Acosta, nailed it when he described Infowars:






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[font size="8"]Trump Vs Stormy
[br] [/font] [br]

You know the last time we checked in with Stormy Daniels she ruined our collective childhoods in more ways than one. Especially if you happen to be 90s kids like I am (see: Idiots #5-12 ). But this week Trump is hopping mad at Stormy’s latest revelations. And you know what? After the shit show that has been the last two years, I never, *EVER* want to hear about a presidents’ sex life ever again. But it seems Trump picked up a minor victory, even if it is a, for lack of a better word, tiny one.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Of course they did! And really do we honestly need to know any more about Trump’s sex life? I mean honestly Trump is a pig don’t get me wrong, but this just… I can’t even. Well on the plus side this guy has the right reaction to this horror:



So maybe Nathaniel Greene saw the news and that was his reaction to the fact that our president boned a porn star! Of course Trump responds in the most Trump way possible by the angry tweet.





Well, to be fair now, at least he didn’t call her “Horsey McHorseface”! Hey o!!! But really is anyone surprised that Trump is acting this way right now? Trump has lowered the bar so much it’s literally past the lowest point on earth right now. Meanwhile, Stormy herself fired back with the usual allegation that Trump has a tiny penis. And no, Stormy, we do not need any further details!!!





Don’t you put that evil on us, Stormy!!! Don’t you put that evil on us!!! As if things couldn’t get any weirder, and why wouldn’t they at this point? Well…






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Longest Flight Ever
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey Boston it’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



How long is the longest flight you’ve ever flown on? Is it 5 hours? Maybe a 12 hour transcontinental flight from Los Angeles to Sydney or London? But would you spend 17 hours on a flight? This week, the airline widely regarded as one of the world’s best unveiled a flight that smashed a Guinness world record. Using the state of the art Airbus A350, the flight reached a record from Singapore to Newark in no less than 19 hours. So what is life like on the world’s longest flight?





Imagine doing that for 19 hours straight. But at least Singapore gave inaugural customers on the longest flight ever lots of stuff to keep them amused. Like movies, music, food, and champagne – all of which were very plentiful.



?itemid=9389683

Somehow we don’t think they would allow open flames on board an airline. You know, for obvious reasons of course! But Singapore isn’t the only airline out there testing ultra long haul flights with the Airbus A350, others are joining in as well.





So the Airbus A350ULR is capable of some insanely long ranges. It replaced the A340-500 which previously held the long haul record for flights but was found to be unprofitable. So what kind of routes can we expect for the new aircraft?






So don’t expect to use your rewards points to book the ultra long haul destinations. That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Gather around, my fair brothers and sisters of Boston, it’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church of the Top 10 has convened and it’s our weekly duty to remind you why the holiest among us are also the most full of:



My fair congregation! Now that we are in the times where the dark forces of EVILLL are currently running the show we call life. So the Dark One, whose name shall *NOT* be named under any circumstances in my church, has recently been recruiting friends and denouncing his enemies in non kosher ways. Why no, sir, we do not engage in kosher practices here. I am just stating a fact. Of course when you state the facts, they don’t matter to those who support the Dark One!





if I remember correctly, JAYSUS said unto his disciples “attachment to the material is detachment from the spiritual!”. Oh, wait, that was Dr. Strange in “Infinity War”. But the sentiment rings true – and as long as there’s that barrier between church and state we are safe! But that’s not all they are paranoid about!!





Really? The Dark One was chosen by GAWD you say? Well I counter that with a verse from the Good Book – the LAWRD shall not be taken in vein, my fair Kat! For he is the light and the truth! And the way, and all that other good stuff that you do not abide by! He would not have chosen the Dark One, or his minion to serve on the highest court in the land. So how does this tie into the end of the world, you might ask? Apparently DAYMONS are in control of the election! And they will smite you if you do not vote their way!





That’s not how this works!!! By the way, give it up for the gospel choir, how great are they? Can I get an amen??? But this might be my new favorite thing someone on the ultra far Christian right said. Apparently did you know you can command an army of angels in heaven in the billions if you are among GAWD’s chosen few?





That’s not how this works, Kat! That’s not how any of this works! But did you know that those who support the Dark One also support brutal dictators? Yes, I am not making this up! That’s why they want the apocalypse to happen. I mean really this is like watching the Avengers and rooting for Thanos.





So apparently the Christian right loves them some genocidal dictators, and that’s why they love the apocalypse. There you go! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]The Proud Boys
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We need some music for this one:




Yeah! If you were out in New York City or Portland on Saturday you might have run into the real angry mob – the Proud Boys! To use the words of the great Ron Burgundy – “that escalated quickly”. And it did escalate quickly. And why is it that the right wing are the ones that always get into fights? Because they are looking for them! And yes their ring leader Gavin McInnes – seen here one eye patch away from mimicking the famous Bond villain Blofeld, actively encourages this. You can’t be a Proud Boy if you don’t fight the libtards in Antifa, right?





Except I’m not sure you could call that beautiful. But of course it’s your typical Saturday night – starts out great, then drinking is involved, then politics get involved and then the discussion about the stupid cucks rears its’ ugly head, before you know it, you’re in the back of a police car awaiting assault charges. Yes, this is the America we’ve come to expect now – controlled chaos.





Worst flash mob ever by the way! And yes I could totally picture Gavin, a la Tyler Durden, going “We are the all singing all dancing crap of the world”. Yes, I’ve seen that movie way too many times sir! So how could it possibly get any crazier you might ask? Well I answer you – a whole lot crazier!





Well maybe Tyler Durden isn’t really involved here, but Gavin does seem like he’d be good subject fodder for the Fight Club reboot. Oh god, imagine if that movie had been filming during the Trump era! I mean my god think of all the possibilities they could come up with! The possibilities!! Why is my voice so high? But you don’t really need to know what side Gavin is on, do you?






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[font size="8"]How Is This Still A Thing
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s time once again to ask:



This week – the Simpsons character Apu Nahasapeemapetilan. How is this still a thing? Last week, Comedy Central’s hit show South Park took a jab at one of its’ key competitors with an ongoing controversy that has plagued the show for the last two years. Ever since documentary filmmaker Hari Kondabolu asked what the problem with the Simpsons’ Apu is, isn’t it about time that we do the same with such a controversial subject?





So even the shows’ creators have seemed to think that Apu is a non issue, and the character still remains wildly popular. What are the pros and cons of such a controversial character like Apu? One popular argument is that Apu is trying to see the light in a small town as twisted as Springfield.





So even the showrunner and the main producers of the Simpsons don’t seem to think Apu is the problem that he has been made out to be. What about the Fox executives? Maybe they have an answer or is this going to be one of those topics that nobody is going to touch with a pole 100 foot long?





The showrunners don’t want to answer the question. Matt Groening himself doesn’t want to answer the question, nor does Al Jean. So where else can one go for answers about such a subject? Even the show itself maybe?





There you have it – it’s a subject so controversial no one wants to address it head on. That’s enough to make you ask – The Simpsons’ Apu:




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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey Boston, I’m in one of the biggest drinking cities in America, I really need a drink!



So of course you know the idea behind this segment is that we have a few drinks and talk about anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. But this week we’re actually going to break our rule and talk about something in politics. While I generally don’t mix booze and politics I do mix booze and fails. So tell me bartender, what goes well with a story about Kanye? Really? There’s a beer called “Stable Genius”? Why didn’t I think of that? Ah I’ll just have my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. So I’m sure by now you heard that Kanye West was meeting with Trump last week and somebody may have discovered that his passcode is 000000. Even Saturday Night Live made fun of it:



Excuse me a minute… Yeah that happened. So there’s of course more to this story than you might think:





Come on, Kanye! You’ve got an iPhone X! You can unlock the phone with your face, and the fact that Kanye doesn’t do that already to me is beyond baffling. You know that Kim somewhere has her phone setup to unlock by selfie. Of course it’s a bad idea to use 000000. You might as well have a sign on your back that says “hack me”!





Come on Kanye, you’re one of the most famous people in the world. Like I said you might as well invite people to hack you. I’m sure Trump somewhere is going “Come on, my iPhone passcode is 123456, no one can hack me!”. Of course you can. In fact it’s probably illegal.





Does anyone get the irony of this? The guy who travels with a 50 person entourage for security purposes obviously doesn’t give a shit about cyber security! So go on, if someone is dumb enough to give their passcode is 000000, don’t be surprised when you get hacked! And I guess Kim isn’t too concerned either!






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[font size="8"]Deep State Diaries Episode 16: The United States Marine Corps
[br] [/font] [br]



It’s time for episode 16 of Deep State Diaries. Yes we’re touring the 24 branches and services that make up the United States government. Everything from the FBI to the IRS to the Pentagon to the CIA to the DPW to the DVA to parks and recreation and all branches and services in between. Of course if you’re here you probably already know more about our government and how it works than your average Fox News loving Trump supporter does. So that’s what this segment is going to address. We are going to do a deep dive into all that makes the United States the United States. Because we here at the Top 10 love to educate as well as entertain. Because we care.

[font size="6"]The US Marine Corps[/font]


Here we are folks, the few, the proud, the US Marine Corps! So of course you know by now that the US Marine Corps is strictly made of the best of the best. So the last couple of editions we’ve talked about the controversial and extremely expensive F-35 fighter jet. Which is capable of long ranges and can destroy lots of stuff. So how does this jet affect the USMC – we assume the Marines only want the best of the best and we can assume that the US government provides all of that for them, can’t we? Well…





I don’t think we need to vent that hard yet. So what else does the Marine Corps do? Well as the country makes the switch from manned battalions to virtual ones, there’s a huge problem with people who actually know how to fly drones.





Yeah it’s kind of like that. But you know this issue we’ve been delving deep into cyber security (or a complete lack thereof) maybe we should look at the military. But even they aren’t completely immune, and if they aren’t immune, no one is!



?itemid=3546317

Yeah that’s probably why our cyber security is so bad. But is that it? Is that all there is in this entry? Well this might be my new favorite thing about the Marine Corps = their weapons might be going full blown Dr. Evil on us! Yes, there’s a company out there that actually wants to put freaking laser beams on its’ combat vehicles! I am not making this up!





[font size="6"]Score Card [/font]

Overall importance: A
How Things Are Going: B
Likely hood To Survive: A+

Overall: A-

[font size="6"]Next Week [/font]

We’re heading out to Arlington, Virginia as we get into the real Deep State – we’re going to hang out with the FBI!


[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Jack White[/font]

My next guests are the best dressed band in music! You can see them December 28th – 30th at their annual “Hometown Throwdown” festival. Now playing their song “The Constant” from their new album “While We’re At It”, give it up for the Mighty Mighty Bosstones!




Thank you Boston , we love you! We will be back very soon, we promise! We are off to Philadelphia next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Laugh Boston, Boston, MA
Special Thanks To: Laugh Boston Management
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: U Mass Choir Club, Worchester, MA
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Mighty Mighty Bosstones Appear Courtesy Of: Big Rig Records
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

October 14, 2018

Preview For This Week's Top 10 Conservative Idiots

Apparently Nathanael Greene got word of a Trump rally in Georgia and that was his reaction to learning that Trump is the president!

*audience laughs and applauds*

This week on the Top 10 we are live from Boston! Trump and Kanye freestyle in the Oval Office, Melania makes some false claims about bullying, Infowars is almost literally hanging by a thread, we ask how Apu is still a thing, and we want to know whether or not Stephen Miller ate glue as a kid. Plus we've got a new segment - "What's up with Brazil" because they are about to elect an ultra far right Putin stooge as their president and yeah it's bad. And in our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates, Singapore Airlines this week unveiled SQ22 - the longest flight ever and we will show you what a 17 hour flight is like. And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", our resident pastor is going to tell you tales of the apocalypse - mainly batshit crazy rantings coming from the Christian right. And we've got an all new "I Need A Drink" where we're going to get drunk and tell you about Kanye's epic password fail - and there's more to it than you might think! And the next installment of Deep State Diaries is finishing out our tour with the Pentagon and we're hanging out with the best of the best - the United States Marine Corps! Plus the best dressed band in music - the Mighty Mighty Bosstones are stopping by!

Top 10 Conservative Idiots: Wednesdays at 2:00 PM /shameless self promotion

October 10, 2018

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-15: All About That Kav (No Pedo) Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-15: All About That Kav (No Pedo) Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up Lexington???? Yeah how about those Wildcats? I’m not really talking about the Wildcats of UK, I’m just talking about Wildcats in general. I was watching nature documentaries last night. But no seriously how about the Wildcats football team going 5 and 0 right now? Yeah! That is awesome. Do we have time for the thing? Yeah so we got to talk about art for a minute. Now I am definitely *NOT* an artist. You can tell. But Banksy who is one of the most notorious street artists in the entire world, may have pulled off what may be his finest work yet. See, his works are what one would consider to be “rare”. And one of the rarest of all may have sold for over $2 million. But then what did Bansky do at the auction? He only destroyed the painting that was worth $2 million. And how did he do that? He built the frame with a shredder built into it, and the shredder – malfunctioned as it destroyed the painting. But here’s where it gets weird and of course it would – the value of the now destroyed $2 million art piece – went up! Yes, Banksy may have created his best work ever, by destroying his best work ever! Now how many artists can do that? There aren’t a lot that I know of! OK that’s enough of the intro, we got a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and he delves into the Brazillian elections and they are about to elect an ultra far right wing nut job as the country’s new president and it’s insane:



So where do we begin this week? In the first slot this week it’s all about that Kav (1). Yes, after a brief but intense fight, the GOP installed him as the newest justice of the Supreme Court. So what does that mean in the long run? We’ll tell you. In the second slot is GOP Crybabies (2) including Trump and Mitch McConnell who think they are the victim in all of this despite Kavanaugh’s boofing, 4F-ing and Devil’s Triangle. Taking the third slot this week is a brand new installment of “People Who Somehow Got Elected” and this week we’re going to add Maine’s serial flip flopper Susan Collins (3) to the list. At number 4 this week another shakeup in the Trump administration means another installment of the Trumper Games! Yes, Tribute Haley has resigned which means that Trump will be appointing a new UN Ambassador soon! Taking the fifth seed this week is our weekly investigative piece “Top 10 Investigates” and this week we are going to tell you about a shocking new plastic surgery procedure that has the potential to make your butt look beautiful – and also has the potential to kill you! In the number 6 slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week our resident pastor is going to tell you about some of the more batshit crazy conspiracy theories coming from the religious right about our newest justice. At number 7 this week, we have a new installment of “Beating A Dead Horse”. So this week Taylor Swift threw her hat into the political ring and we are going to tell you all about the Neo Nazis’ creepy lust for her. Taking In the number 8 slot this week we’ve got a brand new feature that we’re going to debut for you called “What’s Up With India?” (8). See, there have been some stories in the news this week that point to India potentially killing a whole lot of us, and well, we will put them together and see! And in the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week we’ve got a new People Are Dumb, because, People Are Dumb! And finally this week we’ve of course got the next installment of our ongoing series “Deep State Diaries” and we’re continuing our military tour as we visit the unsung heroes of the military – the US Coast Guard! Plus we’ve got some live music from the legendary southern jam band Umphrey’s McGee! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Brett Kavanaugh
[br] [/font] [br]

Brett Kavanaugh may have won this week by defying the odds against him including the allegations of sexual harassment and misconduct to become the 114th SCOTUS justice in US history. Now for those of you keeping score at home – the New York Times ran some rather interesting statistics on Supreme Court justices. So out of 114 justices total, there are 100 men, 14 women, and 4 minority justices, and that is absolutely insane. And now we can add 2 sexual predators to the list!





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Of course, Fox News, in their infinite wisdom, celebrated the same way that Kavanaugh would approve of – with a kegger and boofing!

https://twitter.com/JKCorden/status/1048422609044393984

Chair goes round, chair goes round, I like beer!!!! Woooooooooooooo!!!!! You know what? This needs some music – It’s all about that Kav, about that Kav, no pedo!, it’s all about that Kav, about that Kav, no pedo! I mean come on in an era where Trump’s minions are trying to pin his political opponents in some bizarre sex trafficking ring, isn’t it weird that they championed a sex criminal to SCOTUS? Thank you audience! I mean come on this is the same week where Trump got toilet paper stuck to his shoe:



But getting back on topic here, this is absolutely insane. I mean this country really stooped to an all time new low this week:





And yes they most certainly do suck. I mean the whole way this thing is completely insane. The GOP was determined, for lack of better phrasing, to jam this thing down our throats whether we wanted it or not. I mean you know, much like the way Kavanaugh treats women!





Yup, America has officially hit rock bottom. And it can only go up from there, right? I mean right??? Yes, well if you’re wondering just how far an FBI probe can go (phrasing!), well, there is this thing called the “statute of limitations” that could prevent the truth about this scumbag from getting out:






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

Oh Mr. President, did you really think you are going to escape this week without us nailing you for thrusting this evil asshole up on a pedestal to judge the highest law in the land? Uh… I’m being told he doesn’t view our nonsense. OK then, we can only pretend that he hate views. Because we know he hate watches SNL. How dare someone else have fun at his expense! Well here’s just how fucking evil this man is.





Except that it wasn’t. He seems to think all hoaxes are like bigfoot and UFOs, but really this one wasn’t, and well, it really shows how fucking evil Trump is. And here’s where things took a turn – Trump actually apologized! Yes, he actually said the words “I’m sorry”. Which we would never thought he would say the entire time he’s president. But even he managed to make an act of apology… evil!





Only in this crazy bizarro world that we live in now could an apology be evil and sexual predators get promoted! Does this mean Bill Cosby has been innocent the whole time? But this is my favorite part of the story – Trump went full Infowars and says that the protestors were paid actors and got stiffed for bad acting!





That one suddenly seems very creepy now doesn’t it? I mean is that the kind of treatment you give sexual harassment victims, Mr. President? Or do you just call them “crisis actors” like you do the protestors? Oh and by the way in case you’re wondering – for those of you keeping score at home, there’s now 3 sexual predators in the highest levels of government and a trash tabloid TV network telling them what to do! Thank you audience! But really this whole thing seems scripted doesn’t it? And by the way, next week we may have to do a list of the things Trump so far has *NOT* apologized for.






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[font size="8"]Susan Collins
[br] [/font] [br]

Politicians at the state, national and local levels who are so toxic that you ever wonder how they were able to get into office, much less stay there. This is:



This week: Maine representative Susan Collins. Now that the dust has settled on one of the worst and most unqualified Supreme Court justice in nearly 50 years has settled, one senator makes a clear standout as to her support of the new justice – Susan Collins. In fact her flip flop on the subject stands out like a punch in the face:





Yes, Susan Collins should feel bad about her vote as it is going to cost her state of Maine badly. And unlike Trump fan boycotts, ours don’t involve the destruction of property. In fact her vote also cost her very dearly as people have already been pouring in donations to fund her future opponent:





Yes this is probably the worst thing to happen to Maine since they ran out of lobster and Stephen King stopped writing novels. Oh wait – neither of those things happened. Yes, this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to Maine, at least recently. But is the donations to her opponent when the race hasn’t even begun really a “quid pro quo”?





No it’s not quid pro quo. It’s just your time is up and people have had enough of your schemes, Senator Collins. But really how can you not believe that Kavanaugh was Dr. Ford’s assailant despite all the evidence literally pointing to the contrary?





Yes Susan you are clearly not helping the situation. But the vote is also so toxic that it literally caused the site hosting the fund drive to crash. That’s how eager the people of Maine are to get rid of Susan Collins.





There you have it, Susan Collins is so toxic people can’t wait to get rid of her. That’s Susan Collins, another in the growing list of:




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[font size="8"]The Trumper Games: Nikki Hayley
[br] [/font] [br]



Ah yes my pretties! I am back!!!! Yes, it has been a while but there is finally a new shakeup in the Trump administration! Another tribute has left the building. Yes, Tribute Halyey from the 5th district has thrown in the towel which means that the President has some actual work to do. You know, as opposed to his usual daily routine of office putting, yelling at Fox News, and eating cheeseburgers in bed. So what happened exactly? And damn it, Charlie, where’s my champagne?





Yeah you work it!!! So what caused Ambassador Hayley from the 5th district to resign? Hey you know don’t ask me how the districts here work, I didn’t create them! But apparently the President has already accepted her resignation!





And that is true here at the Trumper Games! And damn it Charlie, I wanted the good shit! Bring me the Crystal! Wait, what? Why doesn’t our budget cover Crystal? Damn it! I may have to have a discussion with our producer. But it doesn’t stop there, as far as Tribute Hayley is concerned!





Really, Tribute Hayley? Is that why other UN ambassadors and dignitaries were laughing at Trump at the last summit which was a mere few weeks ago? And yes, they were laughing *AT* you, and definitely not with you! But for now, consider Tribute Hayley… ELIMINATED!!!






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Death By Butt Lift!
[br] [/font] [br]

Lexington it’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



The most common phrase to describe what lengths people to go to look “beautiful” is “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”. But the late, great musician Frank Zappa put it best when he said the words “beauty knows no pain”. Such is the case here with a controversial procedure that can not only make you look beautiful, it has the potential to end your life. And no, we are not encouraging you to try this procedure at home, or even with a doctor.





So while your odds of dying from this procedure are very slim – 1 in 3,000 will from the procedure, it’s still dangerous enough that you shouldn’t risk it. But the question must be asked – is it worth risking your life to look “beautiful”? Some might immediately answer “yes” to that question but even doctors are questioning the controversial procedure.





So here’s the thing – fat injections are bad, and too many of them could possibly kill you. Any doctor will tell you that, and that is definitely not the right way to die either. But on the plus side, Susan had a really nice ass.





So the bottom line is that it’s a bad thing to do. In fact it’s called the deadliest of all aesthetic procedures, and really ladies (and some gents) – don’t do it. We are warning you!





That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Gather around, my fair brothers and sisters of Lexington, it’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church of the Top 10 has convened and it’s our weekly duty to remind you why the holiest among us are also the most full of:



You know last week there was something so jaw-dropping, batshit crazy that I was forced to break the only rule I had in my church. Which was that you’re never supposed to mention the evil, ungodly, unjust DAYMON in the White House by his name! You shall call him The Dark One! He is *NEVER* to be mentioned by name in my church! Again! But supporters of the Dark One have shown just how crazy they are in their latest allegations and conspiracy theories!





You are aware that SATAN himself is currently in charge, right, Bryan? For the devil is the one who is currently controlling the dark forces in Russia and therefore they are controlling the Dark One himself, and yes, it is a tangled web that the good LAWRD weaves!





OK I think things just got creepy here didn’t they? And I’m sure that Brother Kav’s boofing and 4F-ing were allowed in heaven, right, Kat? But our old friend Dave Daubenmire who preaches in front of an empty stadium backdrop apparently is repeating the lie that the MEN are the real victims here. Oh PUHLEASE won’t somebody think of the real victims?





Now Brother David, you are, and I say this with all of the heart and soul of a righteous man, a fool, a liar, and a hypocrite! And if I remember correctly, JAYSUS hated the hypocrites! He said “Be not like the hypocrites who preach on street corners!”. That is an actual quote from the Good Book! Can I get an amen??? Now as if things couldn’t get any crazier, apparently the woman who was abused was the “sexual predator”! Come on really!





There you have it folks!!!! They are so insane that they are actually accusing the abused woman of being the predator!! Wow. Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Neo Nazi Taylor Swift Fans
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s time for a new edition of:



This week everyone, it’s official!!! Taylor Swift, aka Tay Tay, has revealed her true political leanings, and guess what? She’s a democrat. Now you might be expecting that in this space we’ll talk about how Trump fans will burn her records and other merchandise. Ah, that’s inevitable. Like Trump calling someone a “stupid loser”, you know it’s going to happen. Instead we’re going to talk about something MUCH different! So while the Alt Right has proclaimed Kanye West as their new ideological celebrity who shares their views, we get Taylor Swift! In Idiots #2-1, I reported that Taylor Swift was a darling of Neo Nazis and that they saw her as an “Aryan Goddess”. Well, she’s about to make some heads explode.





Oh come on, Neo Nazis! Shake it off! Well it’s as if we did find the one flaw – that Neo Nazis love you! In fact the Daily Stormer had often called you an “Aryan Goddess” like they did in several headlines!





Yes even Hitler is facepalming at this one! But won’t someone please think of the poor little racists at 4chan? Really we might need the Sad Hulk Music for this one. They are either in denial, or smoking some Covfefe or something!





Which George Soros immediately handed her a large burlap sack with a dollar sign on it! Because that’s how the economy works in 2018 apparently – George Soros is paying Trump’s opposition large sums of cash to endorse democrats! Then where’s our check? We got a staff to maintain, yo! But the Neo Nazis are in full on denial right now. And it’s really sad when the only guy you could get on your show to justify the Tay Tay backlash is the guy who’s famous for wearing a diaper,






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[font size="8"]What’s Up With India?
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s time for our new feature where we ask:



And yes, this feature is designed to ask the question “What’s Up With India?”. While the entire world is pointing out that the apocalypse is going to happen with Russia, China, the US, and Isreal, there’s one country out there that has the potential to kill a whole lot of us before any of those other guys ever would or could! And that country is India. Yes, India, a country that at one point in history was its’ own continent and has more population per capita than the next 60 countries combined! And when you have that many people, there’s things that can potentially get lost. Add to the fact that they’re led by a brutal, megalomaniacal dictator with global domination intentions – no, not Vladimir Putin, I’m talking about Narendra Modi, a BFF and ally of Putin who has been in power since 2014. So how is India going to kill us this week? Well maybe it’s through STDs!





So really what’s up with these guys that they immediately get on a cruise ship and are just like “ah, fuck it, we’re in international waters, anything goes!!”? I mean were they really that starved for sex? And how are they sneaking people *ONTO* a boat? I have a million questions about this story. But we’ll save those for another time. Maybe it’s that deal with Putin and Modi that could potentially kill us all!





So what’s up with India needing a crazy missile defense system? And who’s to say it won’t turn Skynet on us? Well, you know Skynet wasn’t deployed in a day! But nah, it’s not going to be either of those things that’s going to kill us. You know what’s going to be the cause? Drunken rats! Yes, say hello to the new Black Plague! Black Plague 2: Bigger and Blackerer!





Ah it’s not so bad. Human prohibition may be doing some weird shit to the food chain but it’s created an army of drunk super rats! Maybe the drunk rats of Bahir can party with the drunk birds of Minnesota, it’s a thing, people, and it has the potential to kill a whole lot of that species’ populations!






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. So I want to start with the story that I’m sure you have all heard by now. It’s out of Tuscon, Arizona. And it falls under my favorite category of idiots – “stupid people with guns”. This guy was an ICE agent whose gender reveal party for his newborn started the infamous Sawmill Fire in Arizona. The sheer stupidity of this guy firing a loaded gun at a tank of highly flammable fuel is what “People Are Dumb” is made for!





So… were they having a boy or a girl? We may never know!!! By the way when doing the research on this story I came up with a ton of gender reveal party disasters, and I may have to devote a future edition of "People Are Dumb" to these. Next up, sex robots. We’re entering a time where the machines are going to take over and possibly go Skynet and murder everybody. Yes, you have been warned. But at least the good people of Houston have had the good sense to stop it before it starts! And why Houston? Are they implying that the most red blooded city in America loves them some robot sex?





Damn straight!! Next up – pot! But surprisingly this story doesn’t take place in Florida. Instead we go to Hartford, Michigan for this story. And people if you’re running for homecoming queen, maybe don’t try to win over people’s loyalty by bribing them with pot brownies! Although I’m sure Trump would approve of this story.





Well let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. Next up of course we can’t do People Are Dumb without mentioning America’s most penis shaped state of Florida. But you kind of have to feel bad for the convenience store owner in this story. And, as always this is one of those times where location does matter, people!





Yeah maybe having a liquor store with an easily accessible microwave between two drug testing sites might not be the best thing in the world. Especially if it happens to be in Florida. Finally this week we’re going to end with this bizarre story out of New York. It doesn’t specify where, but you know what? Don’t take more than the recommended dose people!





At least not with that doctor! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Deep State Diaries Episode 15: The United States Coast Guard
[br] [/font] [br]



It’s time for episode 15 of Deep State Diaries. Yes we’re touring the 24 branches and services that make up the United States government. Everything from the FBI to the IRS to the Pentagon to the CIA to the DPW to the DVA to parks and recreation and all branches and services in between. Of course if you’re here you probably already know more about our government and how it works than your average Fox News loving Trump supporter does. So that’s what this segment is going to address. We are going to do a deep dive into all that makes the United States the United States. Because we here at the Top 10 love to educate as well as entertain. Because we care.

[font size="6"]The United States Coast Guard[/font]


So we’ve got 3 of the 5 branches of the US military covered and now we’re on to the 4th branch – the United States Coast Guard! The Coast Guard was founded in 1915 and has been in service for over 103 years guarding the east and west coasts of America. They are also one of the largest employers within the United States government after the Army and Navy. And one of the CG’s missions has dealt with America’s never ending war on drugs, and guess what? When the rest of the world is ending this nonsense, in the backwards Trump administration they are trying to escalate it! Of course, this is where the Coast Guard comes in.





Yes, the Coast Guard has been building a real life version of the super prison from Captain America: Civil War that would make Supermax look like a Ramada. Yes, that is it in a nutshell. But let’s not look at the negatives of the Coast Guard, we like to point out the positive aspects as well!





Because if there’s one thing we need more of, it’s cyber security experts! Especially when you know Putin and his troll army are planning the next attack on us. Or are they?





OK so maybe cyber security while it is important shouldn’t be what they need to focus on right now because there’s far worse threats about to hit our coast, like I don’t know, helping prepare our country’s fishermen.





[font size="6"]Score Card [/font]

Overall importance: A
How Things Are Going: A+
Likely hood To Survive: A+

Overall: A+

[font size="6"]Next Week [/font]

It’s our final stop in the military as we check out the best of the best, the United States Marine Corps!


[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Umphrey’s McGee[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen my next guest is a legendary jam band whose latest album is called “It’s You”, you can see them everywhere this October and a 4 night stay at Atlanta’s Tabernacle Theater on New Year’s Eve. Playing their song “Attachments”, give it up for Umphrey’s McGee!
https://img.discogs.com/ewtoAc6gKI8aj9S3pZODXPg0vqk=/fit-in/300x300/filters:strip_icc():format(jpeg):mode_rgb():quality(40)/discogs-images/R-12068278-1527640859-3705.jpeg.jpg



Lexington, we love you! This was fun! We are shipping off to Boston next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Comedy Off Broadway, Lexington, KY
Special Thanks To: Comedy Off Broadway Management
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: University Of Kentucky Choir Club, Lexington, KY
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Umphrey’s McGee Appear Courtesy Of: Hanging Brains Music
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

October 8, 2018

Preview For This Week's Top 10 Conservative Idiots

https://twitter.com/JKCorden/status/1048422609044393984

Chair goes round, chair goes round, I like beer!!!! Woooooooooooooo!!!!!

*audience laughs and applauds*

This week the Top 10 is back out on the road live from the home of the Wildcats, Lexington, Kentucky! We are going to delve into Brett Kavanaugh's confirmation (or not), Trump goes full MAGA conspiracy theory, Mitch McConnell and Lindsay Graham also go full batshit MAGA, we add Susan Collins to the growing list of People Who Somehow Got Elected, and we ask how the 4 F club is still a thing. Plus in our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates, we are going to talk about a controversial new plastic surgery procedure that could either make you look beautiful - or kill you! And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", our resident pastor is going to go over some of the crazier conspiracies coming from the religious right lately. And we've also got a brand new feature that we can't wait to debut for you called "What's Up With India?" because there have been some stories in the news lately where even India has managed to out crazy the Sunshine State and they have the potential to kill us all. We also have a new People Are Dumb. Because people are dumb. And the next installment of Deep State Diaries, we are going to continue our military tour and hang with the US Coast Guard! All of this plus the legendary jam band Umphrey's McGee will join us!

Top 10 Conservative Idiots: Wednesdays at 2:00 PM /shameless self promotion

October 3, 2018

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-14: Blurred Crimes Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-14: Blurred Crimes Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! 15 minutes with us can save you 15% or more on your car insurance! Hey it’s the first Idiots edition of the month known as Rocktober!!!! Congrats to the Dodgers on winning the NL West! Yeah!!! So we’re going back out on the road next week heading to Lexington, then to Boston, Philly, Nashville for our Halloween bash, and of course, we’re heading to Florida! Oh I can’t wait for that one. Do we have time for the thing? Yeah so I want to talk about Christmas music. Now don’t boo. Or should I call it “happy holidays” music since Trump thinks we made it illegal to say Christmas? See? I said it twice now! But I want to talk Christmas music. And next week of course is the big Foo Fighters headlined Cal Jam festival in LA which features the great Iggy Pop and his Post Pop Depression band. But did you know Iggy is being featured on a Christmas album with William Shatner? Yeah it sounds like we’re making this up. But then you add comedian / musician / world traveler Henry Rollins in the mix and then things get really weird. As if it wasn’t weird enough already, well, we got to play a clip from the song. Can we do that, Jay?



Yeah just stuff that one in your stocking. Who’s the merrier one now Trump? Ha ha. Got to love it when the audience is more of a smart ass than you are. OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to but first we have to play Bill Maher’s brilliant New Rule from last week where he compares the Old Testament God to Trump:



Holy shit! We almost did an all Kavanaugh edition but we may save that for another week. In the top slot this week is of course the guy who we currently call “president”, Donald J. Trump (1) who showed that good old fashioned compassionate conservatism at work by mocking a sexual assault victim. In the second spot is Brett Kavanaugh (2) and we’re going to go over his calendar defense, and it’s shockingly insane. At number 3, Donald Trump’s son Patrick Bateman, er, Donald Trump Jr (3) and either he really needs the #MeToo movement explained to him, or he just doesn’t give a shit. Taking the fourth slot this week we’ve got a new installment of “People Who Somehow Got Elected” and this week we’re adding South Carolina’s own fire and brimstone senator Lindsay Graham (4) to that ever growing list. For the fifth slot this week – we’re going to talk about the one, the only Kanye West. His appearance on SNL last week where he wore a MAGA hat, gave an unhinged speech, and suggested we abolish the 13th amendment – is pure insanity! At number 6 this week is our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates (6) and this week – sigh it’s another week and another retail chain is about to bite the dust, that chain is Sears. But is it going to be another Toys R Us? Probably. Taking the 7th slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”, and did you know that Liberty University’s movie about “Firefighter Prophet” Mark Taylor is getting a sneak preview this week? Well we have our own sneak preview! Taking the 8th slot this week, we have a new installment of “This Fucking Guy” and this week we’re going to profile Trump’s spiritual advisor Robert Jeffress, and yes, he is the worst man for the job! In the number 9 slot this week we’ve got a new edition of I Need A Drink, and I really need a few drinks to explain the madness coming from Lindsay Lohan: Child Snatcher! Ooh man that sounded good didn’t it? And we’re ending with yet another installment of our ongoing series Deep State Diaries and this week we’re flying high as we’re continuing our stay at the Pentagon by hanging out with the US Air Force! Finally this week we’ve got some live music for you from Ohio’s own The National! Really buy their new album “Sleep Well Beast” or you’re no friend of the show. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

Just when you think these assholes couldn’t possibly get any more evil, they stoop even lower than you could imagine. Such is the case with our current president, Donald J. Trump. So while the rest of the world has been shocked and disgusted by the behavior of his SCOTUS justice pick Brett Kavanaugh, Trump has been golfing and hitting the campaign trail like it’s no big deal. In fact just when you think it couldn’t possibly get any lower than this it does.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Do you hear that? That was the day America officially descended into madness. I mean just… how… who… what? Seriously, Donny, and I say this with the upmost respect: FUCK YOU! And here’s the thing – if you’re more concerned for your sons’ safety than your daughters’ safety, you probably shouldn’t be parents of either! In fact that seems to be the consensus here.





Damn right!!! You know you fucked up when Jeff Flake says you fucked up! Flakey!!!!! As the asshole in chief would call him! And really this is an all time new low. Maybe the lowest point our nation has hit yet, and it can only go up from here right?





OK dude, even Mike Erhmantraut thinks you’ve gone too far, and you don’t want to double cross that guy, and I’ve seen all of Breaking Bad! And his crowd cheered him! I don’t think even Hitler went this far… oh wait yeah he did. But this is just a stunning level of evil.







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[font size="8"]Brett Kavanaugh
[br] [/font] [br]

Yeah you know it’s coming! We got to talk about it, of course Brett Kavanaugh isn’t going away and might be our next SCOTUS justice. Well this whole thing has turned into a category 5 shit storm of the highest possible destruction. It’s getting certifiably nuts and we need to break it down for you. Of course you know by now that he really likes beer. I really like beer too. I’m drinking a tall boy of some awesome Stone IPA right now. But you know the difference? I’m not the one who’s going to fucking shape the god damn landscape of the country for a whole generation!





Come on even the dog knows when you’re lying about how much you’ve had to drink! But I love that Trump was “surprised” by the revelation that Kavanaugh was a raging alcoholic. Really? This is why reading is important here, people!





Oh come on… not perfect with respect to alcohol? That’s about the lamest response ever that anyone could come up with. Why don’t you just call it “Blurred Crimes”? Yeah yeah!!! I got these blurred crimes because I drank too much, yeah you drank too much. I can’t remember… All right that’s enough of that, but I could do the whole song if I wanted to. This is my show after all! But of course Trump thinks it’s a good thing that he doesn’t drink, and I’m actually in agreement.





Now that’s someone who loves beer! Brett Kavanaugh may love his beer, but he’s got nothing on Homer Simpson! And by the way if you’re going to play Kavanaugh’s favorite drinking game called “The Devil’s Triangle”, maybe don’t.






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump Jr.
[br] [/font] [br]

Since we’re on the subject of sex crimes, the president’s eldest son, Patrick Bateman, clearly doesn’t get it when the entire country is erring on the side of women victims of sexual assault and abuse these days because the harassers and abusers have been getting away with it for too long. Well, Trump Jr apparently doesn’t get the message that has been coming for a long time now.





See here’s the thing, Chump, if you are more concerned for the safety of your sons than of your daughters, you probably shouldn’t be parents of either! Thank you! And the other thing – if you don’t want to be pegged as a rapist, don’t do rapist things! And it’s funny that the son of a guy who has multiple counts of rape against him is playing the blame game against the victims.





Yeah so there’s reason to be concerned – no one wants to be at the center of a sex scandal, but this is quite possibly the dumbest thing to come out of this movement in the last two years. But guess what? He’s getting some backlash from parents regarding this and it’s well deserved!





Excuse me a minute… And by the way Donny do you really want to say this when your dad has multiple sexual assault counts against him? And when his SCOTUS justice pick is under investigation for sexual assault encounters against him? Like really this is the worst timing possible. Or mayb






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[font size="8"]Lindsay Graham
[br] [/font] [br]

Politicians at the state, national and local levels who are so toxic that you ever wonder how they were able to get into office, much less stay there. This is:



This week: South Carolina’s Lindsay Graham. If the phrase “if looks could kill” was taken literally, Lindsay Graham would be the poster boy for this. In the moments that followed Dr. Christina Ford’s testimony, Graham’s dead stare is the mother of all dead stares! But before we get into current events with Mr. Graham, let’s flash back to 2009 when he grilled then-nominee Sonia Sotomayor on having a temperamental flare:





And that’s an understatement by the way. In fact with most you might say that there is a method to their madness. But Lindsay Graham is purely mad, there is no just plain madness with him.





Yes, Lindsay Graham is a psychopath and the bad guy here, which is why he wants to stop at nothing to nominate a like minded psychopath and abusive alcoholic to judge the highest law in the land. Let that sink in for a minute.





That’s pretty much what it is like when one is blacked out. And if you’ve never had a drink you can’t really say what that is like. But Lindsay Graham is so pig headed that he will do something so absurd as to push through Kavanaugh’s nomination until he actually gets confirmed. So fool us once, shame on you, right? You know the saying – “fool me once, shame on you, fool me, you won’t get fooled again”, we heard a guy say that once.





That’s Lindsay Graham – yet another person to add to the growing list of:





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[font size="8"]Kanye West
[br] [/font] [br]

We’ve given Trump a lot of shit about why he’s not invited places. But now there’s another person who probably should not be invited places, and that’s Kanye West. So Kanye West managed to infiltrate the holy grail of late night comedy – Saturday Night Live, and he made sure that he’ll probably never be invited back. Because after the taping ended, Mr. West went full MAGA, and you never go full MAGA under any circumstances!





Yes and I could have told you that. I mean really even Tracy Jordan’s loose cannon nature was based off how much of a loose cannon Kanye is. And is anyone really that surprised that Kanye is a full blown MAGA Trump supporter? They’re two of the biggest egomaniacs on the planet and you know what they say about judging a person by the company they keep.





It’s about ideas bro!!!!! And information!!! Man I wonder what that car ride must have been like on the way back to the hotel? I can imagine Kim going “Kanye, you know better than to go full MAGA in a place like that”. But it wouldn’t surprise me if they were both MAGA Trump train supporters – they both do love their ratings!





We need to get a dialogue and not a diatribe? Says the guy who literally delivered a diatribe!! And it was forced! See, Kanye, a “dialogue” is when two people talk! A diatribe is when one guy goes off on a batshit crazy rant for fifteen minutes about nothing! Much like a Donald Trump rally. Hey o!!! but here’s







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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Sears Bankruptcy
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



Retail has taken massive hits in the last few years, and we’ve seen a few in the last couple of years alone – which include stores in our malls and stores in our shopping centers. But one store that’s been around since the turn of the century is about to go under. That store is Sears, Roebuck and Company, and they’re about to suffer the same fate as their Toys R Us counterparts. Yes, we will soon live in a world where Toys R Us and Sears no longer exist.





Which begs the question - Are there any new Kenmore appliances being made? That is another area of the bankruptcy that needs to be investigated. So what is Sears’ bankruptcy rescue plan? There’s many angles that we could go to for this. Of course don’t expect their CEO to cut his salary, that is not going to happen.





Sears could potentially sell off $3.25 billion in assets, though the value might be diminished because there was a Sears built on the property. Yeah the name is that toxic right now. But just how toxic is it really?





So is it debt reduction or is it outright theft? We don’t want to say it’s outright theft but yeah it’s probably outright theft.





So there you have it, Sears’ own CEO came up with a plan that’s basically legalized theft. That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Gather around, my fair brothers and sisters, it’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church of the Top 10 has convened and it’s our weekly duty to remind you why the holiest among us are also the most full of:



My friends, my fair congregation! Remember in that movie “The Dark Knight” when Batman only had one rule and that he would never break it for anybody? Well tonight I am actually going to break my one rule. And that rule is that I never mention the unholy, ungodly Dark One by name in my church! But when there’s a movie being made about unforeseen prophecies surrounding the Dark One, as told by a crackpot, I feel that I must break character!





No, Rick, your end goal is to preach to the choir of supporters of the unholy dark one that their batshit crazy theories are justified! And that Dark One’s name? Donald J. Trump. There, I said it! And you know this movie is a direct violation of IRS tax exempt rules. And also apparently it violates Facebook advertising policies!





Because nothing is worse than a bunch of falsehood nonsense told by a crackpot is there? And you guys are mad when you violated Facebook’s rules are you? Well, you have nobody to blame but yourself, for the good LAWRD sayeth “man must not blame others for his own musings.” Yes it says so in my good book here. So was this election GAWD’s plan? Or was it not???





Now I do love that one! So is GAWD just getting started? Or do we need to remind you of the kind of crackpot that Mark Taylor is? And yes, he is a crackpot ladies and gentlemen of my fair congregation, because this is the kind of nonsense you can expect from Mr. Taylor!





Really? This bullshit is still a thing? That’s why you are going to get your asses handed to you in November, and yes, I realized I just violated the IRS rules there! But then again, so did Liberty University, and they should pay dearly for this! But then again, Mark also claims that GAWD confirmed his SCOTUS prophecy with a train horn. Can you spell “crackpot”?





Yes, Mark, even JAYSUS thinks you’re doing it wrong!! For your crackpot theories about the Dark One are just that – crackpot theories! There you go, mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:



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[font size="8"]Robert Jeffress
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s time for a new edition of:



For this week’s “This Fucking Guy” we’re going to profile Trump’s spiritual advisor and the guy who’s hellbent on turning the White House into a church – Robert Jeffress. This fucking guy is literally batshit crazy. You know never mind that America has long had a policy of the separation of church and state, you know, so America doesn’t elect a fascist religious dictator who wants to destroy half the planet like a real life Thanos. Instead, Trump has Robert Jeffress and Paula White – two batshit insane televangelists – literally convincing half the population that he’s God, Jesus, Buddha, and Allah combined! Like look at what he said regarding Brett Kavanaugh:





Well knowing where your mouth has been, I must respectfully decline, sir! But Robert Jeffress is hell bent (and yes I do use that term loosely) on converting the entire city of Washington DC into his own fire and brimstone religion. And you know, Mr. Jeffress, you support Donald Trump! You don’t get to decide what you think is evil – he’s the devil incarnate! But of course Trump’s most hardlined supporters are sticking by their man.





And well he currently sits in the Oval Office! Hey o!!! But as we had previously said that Pastor Jeffress is quite possibly the worst person for the job. And plus, like anyone else in the Trump Administration, Kavanaugh just can’t help but be a little bit racist, he actually used the word “scalp” when referring to treatment of Kavanaugh. That’s pretty strong.





Which is probably true. But Robert – let me ask you this! What about the thousands of actual lives lost through the military industrial complex that you are very much a part of right now? Do they count or are they simply collateral? Think about it. Either you support all life or you don’t. By the way if you want to know just how batshit insane the Christian right are in their never ending lust for power, just look at some of the batshit crazy things Robert Jeffress says.





And Jeffress would probably go for that too. That’s Robert Jeffress, this week’s:




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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
[br] [/font] [br]



Ah it’s time for one of my favorite Top 10 segments. I really need a drink! And of course you know the idea behind this is that we have a few drinks and talk about anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. But we won’t get blackout drunk, we don’t want to get in a fight with Mr. Kavanaugh, do we? Well this one kind of is sort of political. So tell me bartender, what goes well with news about Lindsay Lohan? A Moscow Mule? That actually sounds good, I think I will have one of those! No mint please. But yeah Lindsay Lohan is in some really deep shit. Here’s more.





Oh sure it starts out innocently enough – until it ends with you getting punched in the face! I mean yeah that is what usually happens with most of my outings. Oh wait, that’s never happened. But it gets weirder, because with Lindsay Lohan, of course that will happen!





But of course you can’t have sparks without igniting the outrage machine in 2018! Because you know that’s going to happen. And like most things this is one of those things that’s so serious that it needs its’ own name and theme music. Lindsay Lohan: CHILD SNATCHER!!! DUN DUN DUN!!!!





Of course reasons are the reason why anybody does anything. Reasons are the reason for the season. I mean yeah that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense does it? Of course I’ve had 3 Mules by now so nothing really makes sense. But I’ll take another one please! Of course leave it to the internet to turn something scary into something humorous!






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[font size="8"]Deep State Diaries Episode 14: The United States Air Force
[br] [/font] [br]



It’s time for episode 14 of Deep State Diaries. Yes we’re touring the 24 branches and services that make up the United States government. Everything from the FBI to the IRS to the Pentagon to the CIA to the DPW to the DVA to parks and recreation and all branches and services in between. Of course if you’re here you probably already know more about our government and how it works than your average Fox News loving Trump supporter does. So that’s what this segment is going to address. We are going to do a deep dive into all that makes the United States the United States. Because we here at the Top 10 love to educate as well as entertain. Because we care.

[font size="6"]The United States Air Force[/font]


It’s time to fly high as we explore the United States Air Force! Yes, their headquarters is in Arlington, Virginia, and the United States Air Force Academy is in Colorado Springs, Colorado. So you know the lust for the branch as made popular by movies like Top Gun and yeah you could even count the hilarious 1991 spoof Hot Shots!, but maybe not Hot Shots! Part Deux. So let’s delve into the Air Force and fly high, shall we? So the USAF are getting some new equipment and no it’s not the F15.





So just remember kids, while your teacher has to spend her own money on school supplies and has to work 3 jobs to pay the bills, the US government is spending $400 billion on new planes that nobody needs or wants! Just let that sink in for a moment. Oh but the insanity surrounding the F-35B continues to grow!





Oh it’s only $80 million. So Boeing’s CEO can only buy 5 Rolls Royces instead of 6. Hey he only wanted one of every color! This is where excessive government spending comes into play. Apparently the budget included 77 of these things!





OK yeah now you can boo! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! So let’s do the math on this – 77 F35B jets at $80 million a piece, that equals $6.1 BILLION. Yes, BILLION. On fighter jets that nobody really wants! This is greed and insanity on an entirely new level.





[font size="6"]Score Card [/font]

Overall importance: A
How Things Are Going: A+
Likely hood To Survive: A+

Overall: A+

[font size="6"]Next Week [/font]

We’re continuing our journey through the Pentagon and visiting the unsung heroes of the US military – the US Coast Guard!


[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]The National[/font]

My next guest are an awesome indie rock band out of Cincinnati, Ohio. You can see them October 12th at Austin City Limits and December 7th in Hudson, New York. Playing their song “The System Only Dreams In Total Darkness” from their album “Sleep Well Beast”, give it up for The National!




That’s it for our short homestand! We’re off to Lexington next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: UCB Theater Franklin St, Hollywood, CA
Special Thanks To: UCB Theater Management
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: UCLA Gospel Choir, Westwood
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
The National Appear Courtesy Of: 4AD Records
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo